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This podcast advocates for living a life fuelled by intuitive, and intellectual insight. It’s perspective, at times, can be awkwardly brilliant.
Each episode brings a wealth of valuable advice inspiring growth, and expansion. It explores conversations most humans are afraid to touch. You’ll listen to change-catalysts, culture-shifters, heart renderers, and a few troublemakers whose focus is on personal innovation, creativity, and new ways to live.
Inspiration will entice you to put down your screens, and listen to folks figuring out how to live ecstatic, health riddled, and more present lives. Guests will share how they’ve enabled themselves to be their truest reflections, and pursue a life with abandon, and love.
You’ll learn to live lighter and braver, more free, and less alone. You’ll explore you, and learn new ways to create and embody the world you want.
These conversations will reveal the deeply human part of who you are, so that you can live, love, be in relationship, and walk within your life braver having connected to what podcast host, Thomas Kevin Dolan, calls your HeartMind.
Hey, it's great to have you with me. This is Thomas. My pronouns are he and him. This podcast is being recorded in Honolulu, Hawaii. Acknowledged that the Ancita Aina,
or land on which I live, called Kākākau, is part of the larger territory recognized by Kanaka Maui, or Indigenous Hawaiians. I'm honored and grateful to be a guest of the Hawaiian Kingdom.
As I walked into 2024, one of my intention was to begin a practice of gratitude. It was my intention to write out ten things per day that I was grateful for.
I set a daily reminder for early evening to sit and write my list. It didn't work. I was frustrated. I made up this arrogant story that because I study creating new habits in my life,
hell I'm a professional coach for this stuff. This should be easy for me. Notice how I should all over myself. January felt easy,
yet at times I didn't feel like writing anything. Beber wave belt, and I find it easy. catch -up in my gratitude journal because I wanted to record a string of consecutive days.
That's the perfectionist in me rearing its ugly head. The entries didn't feel authentic, and in March, the practice dwindled more, so I stopped.
So, I thought I'd gently acknowledge that my gratitude practice was a bust, an end. the practice. I felt there was something to learn. So in this podcast, I'll chat about why everybody's always going on about how we should practice gratitude in life.
And while I agree that it's good to be grateful for the good things you have in life, I discovered it's not exactly the game changer. People claim it is.
In fact, it's not the game changer. positivity and doesn't make you feel all that great. Amuse about why having a gratitude practice may not actually do much for you.
I'll share 10 thoughts about my concerns over a practice that just might be a tad overrated and I'll wrap up the podcast by online.
some steps you can take that helped me upon discovering gratitude journaling was hard. And I'll add a few other suggestions that might help you get back on track if that's what you want.
So here's my take on gratitude and how I fell off the wagon. Number one, there were many times that writing out my 10 things I'm great for ended up feeling more forced and inauthentic.
Sometimes practicing gratitude can feel like you're just going through the motions. That certainly at times was how I felt. If you're not really feeling thankful,
but you try to force it, you're being fake and it's kind of hard. You're saying thanks because you feel like you have to,
not because you actually mean it. No wonder it did absolutely nothing to lift my spirits. Sometimes you don't feel grateful for much, especially when times are tough.
That's okay, pretending otherwise is a fool's errand. Number two. you might end up ignoring your actual problems. If you're going through tough times,
being told to just be grateful for what you have can feel dismissive. And if you're the one dismissing your feelings, that really sucks. Obviously,
putting things in perspective is really important, but pretending like nothing is wrong. and life is grand when it's actually pretty crappy isn't going to help anything.
Instead of actively seeking solutions to problems you have, you end up glossing over them and absolutely nothing gets done. That's not exactly mood boosting.
I had to check myself for toxic positivity. especially when I hadn't completed several days of gratitude journaling. Number three, the issue of toxic positivity.
It can be ridiculously draining. And let me define what toxic, toxic positivity, let me define what that is. It's also known as excessive positivity, or positive toxicity.
It's a dysfunctional way of managing emotions. that avoids acknowledging negative emotions, especially anger and sadness. And of course, it can involve denying your own emotions,
denying somebody else's emotions, insisting on positive thinking instead, and then forcing a cheerful front. Folks love to pretend that simply thinking positive will magically erase any negative emotions.
fear, anxiety, depression or other negative feelings you have and make the world a wonderful rainbow land of fun. That doesn't work.
Being pushed to be positive when life sucks or you're feeling anything but sunny is really not helpful in any way. Allow yourself to be upset.
Allow yourself to feel anger or just down in the dump sometimes. It's vital to feel our feelings. That's called being human. Forcing yourself to be grateful ends up doing more harm than good.
I know when I attempted forcing myself, I actually didn't feel much of anything, but I ignored those signs and I kept journaling. Number four,
I noticed that journaling was creating unrealistic expectations for myself. So here's the thing, as a life coach, I'm super careful to advise setting up a gratitude practice in order for someone to feel better about themselves and their life.
Because if it doesn't work for them, they can end up feeling like they're doing it wrong. or in some way that they're deficient. They can end feeling just as bad or maybe worse than they did before starting the practice.
The expectation of something as simple as gratitude being a game changer can be a serious downer. When in fact it doesn't, it doesn't pan out.
So to that I'd say no thanks. Number five, when you end up comparing yourself to other people, you can bump into some issues for yourself.
People love to share, particularly in this age that we live in, this social media drenched age. People love to share every nitty gritty detail of their lives on social media.
And they're big on showcasing how much they love. practicing gratitude for the incredible gifts they have. Expensive cars, vacations, clothes, houses,
you name it. When you realize that what you have to be grateful for isn't quite as fancy, it can start to feel a bit soul -destroying.
Doesn't that kind of negate the purpose? Number six, gratitude for me. It begins. to feel like a chore. If you're doing gratitude exercises because you feel like you have to,
it can start to feel like another chore on your to -do list. It's like when you were a kid and had to write thank you notes for every birthday present that you got.
That sucked. I never liked that. In fact, I hated it. When it turns into just another task, it loses its meaning and you don't get any benefit from it.
You're better off skipping a practice until you find you're in a better head or heart space and actually naturally feel grateful for something. Number seven and some caution with this dynamic.
Gratitude as a route practice can kind of ignore the fact that there might be other stuff going on Practicing gratitude is great,
but it's not meant as a cure -all If you're going through deeper issues like anxiety depression or other personal struggles Simply being thankful on the surface won't fix them It might cover up things from the outside by layering gratitude over the symptoms,
but it doesn't actually fix what's happening within. Sure, you can be grateful for your therapist, your psychologist, or your coach,
but simply trying to awk yourself out of some issues and perhaps some mental health issues is actually not going to work. So stop the gratitude journaling and consider getting some professional support.
Number eight, not sticking to the practice can make you feel guilty in a lot of ways. Sometimes when you try to practice gratitude and can't seem to feel it,
which is really important. You might end up feeling guilty. That certainly was the case on several occasions. That's what I felt I felt guilt. I thought,
I have so much to be grateful for. Why can't I just write out 10 things? And of course, that would just actually make me feel worse, not better. You end up getting caught in a weird cycle of not feeling grateful,
and then feeling bad. for not feeling grateful and then feeling ungrateful. You get the picture? It won't let your spirits. That's for sure. Number nine,
I can see now I ended up missing out on authentic experiences. If you're too focused on finding things to be grateful for for the sake of finding things to be grateful for.
you might miss out on living in the moment and experiencing things authentically. It's like you're constantly searching for the next thing to add to your gratitude list, instead of just experiencing life as it happens and being grateful for a moment that's actually come to you.
You have to be present in the moment and let things happen as they will. Well, being too caught up in your head. takes you out of the moment and ends up making you feel isolated and alone.
Number 10, I ended up not allowing myself to feel the feeling of gratitude and that practice not working for me, right?
I ended up not allowing myself to feel the feeling that it wasn't working. And of course, I felt. I wasn't allowed to complain. I even wondered if I would find the courage and vulnerability to actually share with you,
right? That this near 20 year experienced life coach couldn't create a practice of gratitude. And I'm glad I was able to let that go and step forward. Because if this is an experience that you're having or you've had,
we can relate. So some folks who advocate practicing gratitude make you feel like you're never allowed to not be grateful. Is there somebody in your life that pops into your mind or heart when you think about that?
It's like there's an unwritten rule that you always have to be thankful and positive, which of course isn't realistic. You bet it's healthy to vent and express your unhappiness sometimes.
It doesn't mean you're ungrateful. It just means you're expressing your feelings and that's totally okay. It makes your actual gratitude more meaningful.
Have you had that occasion when you could authentically lean into and share with somebody else or even just with yourself what was going on for you? Did the light go on for you?
Did you feel a little bit of ease? by being able to do that? With so many benefits gratitude might seem like it's something We should be doing 24 hours seven days a week But sometimes it doesn't seem to work We don't feel like being grateful Hounding our blessings can be annoying and We beat ourselves up because we're taking things for granted.
It happens. So let me share a few tips and perhaps tricks on how to deal with moments. If you have a gratitude practice that seem simply not to be clicking for you.
If this gratitude practice isn't clicking. See if some of this might help a little bit. Here's the first. If your gratitude practice is a chore,
if you feel like it's a chore, I bumped into some research suggesting that gratitude journaling every day may actually be counterproductive for the average person. Instead, try twice weekly or even every other day.
So Washington University researcher, his name is Robert Collinger. He found that people who work out new... experiences have better health, friendships,
and emotional stability. This is what he shared. You can also vary the type of gratitude exercise you do. Try journaling some days, counting your blessings in your head on other days,
or even trying to identify ungrateful thoughts and replace them with gratitude. For example, as you may begrudgingly begrudgingly going to the gym, try to change your attitude by thinking,
I'm grateful for this fancy gym equipment, or I'm grateful I've got two legs to run on. If the lack of click for gratitude for you is centered around your mood,
you're not in the mood. This would be number two, you're not in the mood. Some days, I'm sure you have them, I certainly do, life disappoints us.
Nothing's going our way and we focus on what's missing or going wrong, and there seems to be little to be grateful for. Looking at upsetting experiences through the lens of gratitude,
helps us find more meaning in them, including how we've grown and learned. I read a psychology today article. and in it,
this gentleman, his name is Tom Bernhardt and he lives a life challenge with chronic fatigue. He made this suggestion around not being able to muster gratitude for the bigger things in life.
He said this, "When you're feeling down or grumpy, it might be time to go through the emotions in quotation marks. Express gratitude or write down a few positive things even if it's difficult.
Saying thank you, writing gratitude letters, and counting your blessings can help inspire grateful feelings in the long run, even if you don't feel grateful yet.
That notion of I'm trying to think of the expression, fake it till you make it. I'm not espousing that, not at all. If you're not feeling something. I would encourage you to not feel that something.
This reminded me of a conference I was at in Calgary 100 years ago, and it connects to a football coach. He used to say this,
"If you're not feeling enthusiastic, act like you are, and in moments you become enthusiastic." I'm sharing a rare bit of wisdom from my football days.
And I spelled days D, A, Z or Z depending on the country we live in, E, a bit of wisdom from my football days. A third,
a third suggestion, when you don't remember to be grateful. In our hectic modern lives, sometimes our packed schedule is the biggest obstacle to gratitude.
I set a daily reminder for gratitude on iPhone. You could change your computer passwords to "I'm grateful," the number four,
I -M -G -R -A -T -E -F -U -L, and the number four. Or set your desktop wallpaper to something that's inspirational that might inspire. gratitude for you.
Number four, when you're taking things for granted, first off, don't feel bad if you're taking things for granted. From moment to moment, we can actually try a few tricks to combat it.
Here's the first. Take someone else's perspective. Invite a friend over for dinner or have a family member visit. They may be able to take it for granted. see things.
Their reflective perspective, can jolt you back to reality, reminds you how good you have it. Or on the other side, affirm how shitty it actually is really for you.
But their perspective might create some relief for you. So a different perspective. This isn't true. I like this,
actually, when it came through me. This idea of thinking about endings. When something positive is about to end, we tend to appreciate it more.
A James Madison University study found that college students who think about graduation happening soon versus far away, even though it's the same objective time away, they have a higher well -being.
and actually get more involved in all these activities. So think about endings. Number three, and this thought is very Thomas -like.
Think about death. It might sound a tad morbid, but reminding yourself of your mortality actually decreases unhappiness. and increases gratitude.
Probably by giving us a little perspective. I'm sure you've heard the stories of near -death experiences where people come through with a fresh new appreciation for life. And of course,
this is related to the tips I shared with you thinking about endings. It's related to the tips about that because ultimately what's the biggest ending for us? It would be death.
Imagine, imagine absence. Think about what life would be like if you never met your partner. You didn't find your beautiful home.
You hadn't created that dream job for yourself. How would things be different? I like to think of this as a powerful, imaginative exercise that can actually shift perspective as well.
[BLANK _AUDIO] kind of cute. Curl up and watch a depressing movie. Oddly enough, sad movies make us feel more joyous and grateful than comedies do.
And this might seem a little strange. Reflect on bad times. By remembering some of the low points in our life. So currently my book,
"Little Bag, A Journey of Self -acceptance and Healing," I certainly reflect on a lot of bad times. By remembering those in my life, I reminded myself that I survived or I thrived,
and that because of all those experiences, all of those bad times, my life is much better today. So let me, let me do my something with you.
A way to give this a whirl. Complete this sentence, right, in your own mind, or you can write it down. So there are four words that precede what is it you're going to answer.
And the question is this, complete the sentence, I'm glad I'm not. I'm glad I'm not. What did you write down?
What came up for you? Here's one for me. I'm glad I'm not married to a woman anymore. I can notice the joy.
I can certainly reflect on this amazing life I have, not to suggest that if I stayed in that married relationship, life wouldn't be amazing. But I'm glad I'm not married anymore. I'm much more satisfied with my life.
Did you notice feelings of perhaps more satisfaction depending on how you answer that question? Remember this, negative memories tend to fade, so it's important to review them from time to time.
And in the end, it's important to remember that gratitude isn't a cure, all I've mentioned before. There are some situations or circumstances where gratitude isn't even appropriate,
like when someone has really harmed you, or in a power dynamic, perhaps a boss and you, perhaps a circumstance or somebody in your family,
right, gratitude wouldn't be appropriate. Thank you. course, on top of that, it's completely natural if we don't feel gratitude when the giver exerted no effort or is motivated by the desire for praise and thanks.
So take someone else's perspective. Think about endings. Think about death. Imagine absence. watch a pressing movie and reflect on bad times.
So let me close with six quick tips when your gratitude practice is stalled. You can tell because I came into this conversation my gratitude practice was stalled and there's a few things I thought about doing and I want to share them with you.
Number one, before looking for solutions, identify the problem. When you're clear on whatever it is that's currently causing you to feel uncomfortable,
when you're clear on whatever it is that's currently causing you to feel uncomfortable, or at least, unexcited about practicing gratitude, then you can begin to figure out why exactly you want to do it.
gratitude practice in place in the first place. Number two, determine why a gratitude practice is important to you. Imagine what feels right to you about incorporating gratitude into your life and use that as a jumping -off point to get started or to readjust your sales.
Number three, live in the moment. One of the purest ways to express your appreciation is to simply live in the moment and notice the things around you that you're thankful for.
My husband and I took a meditation course through Sounds True, and the gentleman that taught it is known as Michael, but he calls himself Mikey,
a really interesting, kind of hippie -like guy, but really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, circumstances and things that come to us. And his suggestion was this,
do not take a picture of that sunset. He said, see it through your eyes and notice when you do and you experience it through your eyes,
how much more powerful that is for you than actually trying to record it on a phone. And my husband and I living in Honolulu, we're blessed, our line,
the balcony that we have faces the ocean and during the summertime, the sun sets over the water all the time. And we sit in awe. And sure, there's lots of times we take pictures,
but we purposely take Mikey suggestion and we take it in. We take that sunset in in a way that has us really be grateful for the impact of that.
So live in the moment, right? Notice the things around you that you're thankful for and while they're happening it could possibly create more gratitude for you. Number four,
sneak it in, sneak gratitude into your daily routines. It's kind of like the fourth episode I talked about. glimmers, this notion of being able to find glimmers throughout your day.
Number five, approach gratitude visually. So you may not be a writer. Perhaps you want to take snapshots or videos of things you're grateful for.
A visual approach always allows room for more creativity. If you're not so much a photographer or videographer, how about drawing?
What about painting? Or what about making a collage or what makes you feel joy? Number six, meditate to find gratitude. Meditation can also work as part of a gratitude practice.
Whatever puts you in your meditative state, while focusing on positive thoughts and feeling grateful, is really a lovely foundation to launch gratitude from.
Right? So the six tips are really easy. Number one, before looking for solutions, identify the problem. Number two, determine why a gratitude practice is important to you. Number three,
live in the moment. Number four, sneak gratitude in during your day. Number five, approach. gratitude visually. And number six,
meditate to find gratitude. And finally, and I share this with all seriousness. If it doesn't work for you, if gratitude, a gratitude practice doesn't work for you,
give it up. If that gratitude practice still doesn't bring you joy. kick it to the curb. There's no need to force yourself to fit into a mold that doesn't work for you.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to acknowledge every moment that makes you grateful. Instead, live. Live in every moment, like Mikey suggested for us.
Take chances. Be spontaneous. Great routines that actually work for you. What could be better than that? This wisdom in the form of a quote from the Dalai Lama came to me as I literally was kicking and screaming that I should be practicing gratitude.
The roots of all goodness lie in the soil of appreciation. And for the record, acknowledging that there's a part of me that wants to bullsh-- you that I return to a gratitude during practice,
but I have not. Instead, what I do, as I close out my day while lying in bed, as I allow the feelings and emotions connected to something that caused me to feel gratitude during the day,
I allow them to come to me. And sometimes there aren't any, and that's completely okay. And then with a gentle bit of grace, I joyfully recite in my head that single or sometimes multiple memory of gratitude,
I allow it to float into my consciousness. It actually feels really lovely and in that moment gratitude is the energy that feels alive for me.
I was listening to a podcast some time ago and I couldn't I couldn't quite find it when I was doing my research with But I think it was Mark Manson, the art of not giving a fuck.
I think that's his book. And he said, gratitude doesn't work for a lot of folks because while they're recording what they're grateful for, they're actually not feeling great. They're not feeling gratitude.
So that inspired me and had me realize that when I was writing 10 things, I wasn't feeling gratitude for probably many of those 10 things that I was listening.
And I realized that when I created this opportunity to lie in bed and have that energy of gratitude in that day come as a reminder for me or not,
it's what's really inspired me to feel the energy of gratitude. And of course, for the times that I didn't write gratitude and I would go back into this little journal that I had and realize there were days that had zero gratitude statements,
I literally, right back to the perfectionist in me, I literally probably made up or drummed up what I thought my gratitude was for that day and I successively pinned them.
And at times I would write out over five days, 50 things that was great before. And when I scanned the list, I didn't feel much gratitude. So I love now as I recite and remember what I'm grateful for today and those single or multiple memories of gratitude float into my consciousness.
Gratitude is an energy that feels alive for me. So even with all my baggage around a gratitude practice or lack of gratitude practice, I'm super grateful you spent this time with me.
Thank you.