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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time to hang out here with me today, uh, in today's conversation. I wanna talk about something that's not exactly easy to talk about, but I think it's something that is really important to bring into the discussions that we're having, and that is narcissistic manipulation, specifically the way that narcissists spend the truth.
Shuffle facts, twist reality until you [00:01:00] start to doubt your own memory. And even your own mind. And then self-doubt takes over. If you've ever walked away from an argument or a conversation feeling nervous or agitated, or even furious, and yet somehow you're questioning whether you misunderstood everything.
This might be an episode for you to kind of tune in and pay attention to. 'cause I wanna explore how narcissistic manipulation works, why it impacts us so deeply, and most importantly, how you can start to reclaim your own voice, your own memory, and your own self-trust rather than living in someone else's distorted truth.
Now it's important to start with narcissistic manipulation rarely looks obvious. It doesn't usually come with this flashing bright light that says This is abuse. Instead, it creeps in quietly. It. Sometimes looks like someone telling you that's not what I said, when you're sure that's what they said, or someone insisting you're remembering that wrong, even when you know your memory feels really pretty clear as to what [00:02:00] happened.
Someone taking bits of truth just enough to make their argument sound convincing and then rearranging them so that the story shifts in their favor and in their narrative. And at first you may push back and you feel confident in your version of the events, but over time. The repetition wears you down, the constant insistence that you're wrong or you're confused, or you're being too sensitive.
It starts to chip away at that confidence of yours. And before long you start to actually second guess yourself. And you begin to wonder, maybe I did mishear. Maybe I am overreacting. You start to wonder if maybe, maybe I really can't trust my own memory or trust myself, and that honestly is how the cycle of self-doubt begins and how the whole manipulation starts to take hold.
So why is this tactic so effective? And why do intelligent, capable, high achieving people find themselves questioning their own reality in the presence of a narcissist? It's because narcissists understand something about human psychology. When you're in a close relationship, whether it's romantic, whether it's familial or even a professional workplace [00:03:00] relationship, you want to believe.
The other person. Trust is a foundation of connection. So when someone you care about says that didn't happen, your brain doesn't immediately go to, they're lying. Instead, it goes to wait. Maybe I did get that wrong, or maybe I am misremembering that. And the more you lean on their version of events, and the less you lean on your own over time, your internal compass, that inner voice, you start to lose trust in yourself.
That inner voice gets hijacked. And it's not because you're weak, it's not because you're stupid. It's not. Any of those things, it's because you're human and humans are wired for connection. That's just how we're all wired to connect with other people. And the fallout of this manipulation is huge. You start to feel agitated because your nervous system knows that something is off.
And then there's this nervousness that takes over because you no longer can trust how a conversation's gonna unfold with this person. And you might even start to feel a little bit angry or furious because deep down you know that your truth is being erased. But then here's. The most cruel [00:04:00] part, the narcissist often frames your agitation as proof that you're unstable or we irrational.
They'll say things like, look how emotional you are, or, see, you can't handle conflict, or This is why I can't talk to you, or you know, you're raging at me. You're getting so angry. So now not only are you doubting your memory, but you're doubting your emotions too. And this is how manipulation then becomes an attack on your identity.
And it's not just about winning an argument, it's about controlling your sense of reality. We have a name for this. It's called gaslighting, which many of you have probably heard, but gaslighting is when someone makes you question your reality. They make you question your reality so much so that you stop trusting yourself.
And it's so dangerous because once you stop trusting yourself, stop trusting your memory, stop trusting your feelings or your instincts, you become easier to control because instead of standing in your truth. You're leaning on their truth and over time you find yourself apologizing for things you didn't even do.
You may even feel anxious all the time waiting for the next conflict. You may [00:05:00] even lose your sense of identity because you know who, who you are is getting defined by how they frame you. And this really isn't a small thing. It's not just an argument. It's actually psychological warfare if you really think about it.
So I wanna pause here just for a second and name something for anyone who is listening to this right now. If you are doubting yourself. Your memory, your feelings, your sense of reality, it doesn't mean you're broken. It quite frankly may mean that you have been manipulated and your ability to see that clearly is still there.
It may feel clouded, but it didn't disappear. The shame you feel, how did I let this happen, is not yours. To carry. What you're experiencing is the result of intentional distortion, and it is not a personal failure. So how do you know if this is happening to you? Some signs that you know might be that this might be something that you need to take a look at.
You walk into conversations confident, and then you walk out very confused. You start writing [00:06:00] things down to double check your own memory. You often will find yourself apologizing even if you're completely. Unaware, unsure of what you did. You feel like you can't, you can't win. No matter what you say, whatever you say is gonna be the wrong thing.
You're constantly walking in eggshells, afraid of being wrong or constantly measuring what it is that you're about to say. If any of this resonates, it could be a sign that you reality is being manipulated. And when you're in this dynamic, silence or compliance often becomes your survival strategy, which.
Let me just say completely valid because in an emotionally abusive relationship, speaking up can feel extraordinarily unsafe. You learn to minimize conflict and just go along in order to keep the peace at all costs because survival, you're in survival mode. You're not thriving, you're just trying to stay alive.
Thriving means instead that you're reclaiming your voice and your sense of self, and you need support to get there. The cost of staying [00:07:00] silent in these dynamics is extraordinarily high because you lose your ability to fully express yourself. You begin to disconnect from your own intuition, and you start to self abandon.
Uh, and self abandonment is one of the most painful, painful consequences of narcissistic manipulation because once you stop trusting yourself, you stop really being yourself. You stop showing up as how you actually. Want to show up. And when you feel that confusion rising, you know, it's really important to pause and affirm to yourself that like your, your memory matters.
Your feelings matter, your feelings are valid, your instincts are here. And even if you don't feel fully confident, it is about taking the steps to start rewiring your brain. So it's important that if you're in an environment where your truth is constantly being distorted. It is okay to write things down, keep a journal, save texts or emails.
It's not about obsessing over evidence, but it is reminding yourself later that your memory is trustworthy [00:08:00] and, and it's important also if you can, to talk to people who can validate your reality. Friends, therapists, coaches, support groups. Somebody who can remind you that you're not crazy that this really did happen or is happening.
Sometimes hearing someone reflect back to you, your truth really helps you start to reclaim it for yourself. Setting boundaries is so important. You don't owe access to someone who manipulates you. Boundaries might mean limiting conversations or ending those circular arguments or even choosing distance, if that's what protects your emotional and mental health.
And then you gotta work on rebuilding that self trust. And it might even mean that you start. Really small, but following through even on little commitments to yourself. Notice when your instincts are right about even the smallest things and every day and over time, you start rebuilding that muscle of self-trust.
Now if you've already left a relationship with a narcissist, the residue of manipulation may still absolutely linger. Just because you left doesn't mean on the snap hat. All of that's gone. You may still see yourself second [00:09:00] guessing your decisions. You may still feel anxious speaking up. You may even hear their voice in your head questioning you.
Now healing means gentle replacing of that voice with your own. Every time you affirm your memory and validate your feelings or trust your instincts, you are starting to reclaim those parts of yourself that were taken away from you. And I want you to hear this. They can distort the story, but they cannot erase your truth.
You know what your truth is. So here are some prompts that I wanna just offer you up. Where in my life do I feel most confident in my truth? Where do I find myself second guessing and doubting my memory? Whose voice am I hearing when I start to question myself? What practices do help me feel grounded and connected back to myself and my reality, and who in my life reflects my truth back to me with compassion and with clarity?
Take some time to journal [00:10:00] those. Taking time in the act of actually pen to paper, writing down your truth in your own words is a really powerful way to anchor yourself back into reality, but also anchor yourself back to yourself. I want you to know this. If this is something you've experienced, you are not crazy, you are not broken.
You are not too sensitive. If someone has twisted your words, manipulated your memories, or left you questioning yourself, that says more about them than it does about you, your reality absolutely matters. Your voice matters, and you are so capable of reclaiming both of those. Healing is not about going back to who you were before, the manipulation.
It's about becoming stronger and clearer and more rooted in your own truth and your own values than you ever have been before. Narcissists twist the truth. It's not just about control, it is about confusion, but. The thing is, is that clarity is always possible. You can reclaim your memory, you can trust yourself again, and you can rebuild your own self [00:11:00] knowing.
So if you've been living in someone else's distorted version, I invite you to pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that your truth is still here. Your voice is still here. You matter, and you're not defined by their manipulation. If this was helpful for you and or you know, somebody that this could be helpful for, please feel free to share this episode with them.
And until next time, stay well.