Mr. Potato Hat

Celebrate Halloween with a couple of hollow wieners as Kevin and Harley trick and treat you to terrifying tales! Plus: Oo, la la, Zajur!

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What is Beardless, D*ckless Me?

For 25 years, Kevin Smith has tried to make his beardless, dickless twin of a daughter Harley laugh in real life. Now he does it every week on a podcast.

00:00:25
Speaker 1: Welcome back, boo, back to a spoogie Halloween edition of Beardless, Dickless, Bootless Dickless Me.

00:00:37
Speaker 2: Yeah, that was quite an entrance.

00:00:41
Speaker 3: You said, make it a Halloween episode. I'm your one of your hosts, Kevin.

00:00:45
Speaker 2: Smith, and I am Harley Quinn Smith, the other host.

00:00:49
Speaker 3: I really feel like we're going to turn your volume up. But Will has not said anything about it. But it's now we have to start over and lose.

00:00:58
Speaker 2: We're not starting off talk now.

00:01:00
Speaker 3: We're committed. At this point. For everyone listening to the show, they're like, what the fuck happened? But if you see the show as you can only do exclusively that Kevin Smith Club join right now, you would watch the kid be like and not because I goofily talked about Halloween because she's goofy or Halloween today is your favorite holiday of the.

00:01:28
Speaker 2: Entire year, hollow day.

00:01:32
Speaker 4: Yes, it's the most wonderful time.

00:01:38
Speaker 5: It's the ghost wonderful Time movie.

00:01:44
Speaker 6: I remember when you were dancing earlier on FaceTime and I was like, Okay.

00:01:48
Speaker 2: He's gonna get it. He's gonna get it, He's gonna get it.

00:01:52
Speaker 3: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

00:01:53
Speaker 5: Yeah, what is uh why Halloween is supposed to like everything else, because I'm you figure like a Wednesday Thursday Adams.

00:02:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, I guess you could say, what's uh?

00:02:08
Speaker 3: What the glasses? Man? Are you getting a job in the sixties and a fucking madman firm? You look like one of those cats. All you're missing is the string that goes around the I have one of those, do you really?

00:02:20
Speaker 5: Yeah?

00:02:21
Speaker 2: My friend made it for me, So why.

00:02:22
Speaker 3: Don't you bring it over and give it to your fucking mother because she needs one? I do too. Why those things aren't going anywhere? They look like they are firmly affixed in a kind of missus potato head fashion, Not that you are the missus potato head, but now it's.

00:02:39
Speaker 2: For all those listening. You just heard that right now.

00:02:42
Speaker 3: I wasn't calling you.

00:02:44
Speaker 2: My dad called me mister potato head.

00:02:46
Speaker 3: I said missus number one. That was very specific, But I was saying more how the glasses stick on to you? They're not going anywhere, like mister potato fuck?

00:03:01
Speaker 2: Is your is your hat attached?

00:03:05
Speaker 3: Look? I would I wouldn't bump into it at all. If you were like, hey, miss potato Head, I'd be like, oh, Harley's got a new nickname.

00:03:11
Speaker 7: For me.

00:03:11
Speaker 2: Do you have a potato hat? Mister potato head.

00:03:15
Speaker 3: Bro, mister potato hat might be my new fucking sobriquete going forward.

00:03:21
Speaker 2: Potato.

00:03:21
Speaker 3: Guess what the title of this episode is, mister Potato. Oh my god, I want a little cartoon draw on me. Well, this is the beautiful thing about there's.

00:03:31
Speaker 2: Literally a potato in the other room.

00:03:34
Speaker 3: What do you mean. Oh, that's right, they've done.

00:03:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, I've seen it.

00:03:38
Speaker 3: I guess all my dreams have already come true.

00:03:41
Speaker 2: Oh no, so spooky.

00:03:46
Speaker 3: From all I was about to get so excited about the prospect of mister potato hat a new character of mine.

00:03:53
Speaker 2: Well that that potato I.

00:03:55
Speaker 3: Used to wear the Bob Hawks jersey and ship. Yeah. Now the new insignia could be potato hat, which is my my head as a potato with the hat on top of potato with the hat on top.

00:04:06
Speaker 2: What a notion? Oh wow, inventive as fuck.

00:04:12
Speaker 3: You never know what's going to capture a potatot someone, you know, imagination where they're like, oh my god, that speaks to me. I am a potato and a fucking hat. You are you speak for me? Run for office at least an Idaho with that kind of thing.

00:04:30
Speaker 2: Oh my god, yeah, you should be like a a representative in the potato state.

00:04:37
Speaker 3: Right really sees that. Oh my god, Yeah, your film career is not really working out. Why don't you go to Idaho for thirty movies? Nice? But think go anywhere good Idaho? Idaho? You could be the king of the Potatoland.

00:04:53
Speaker 2: I love potatoes. You love potatoes. I yeah, we fucking love potatoes.

00:04:58
Speaker 3: There is a time where I love them lot. And then I went on after.

00:05:01
Speaker 2: The stroke stroke, Oh my god, knock on.

00:05:07
Speaker 3: The heart attack. After I had heart attacked, I went on an all potato diet and I was like, what this is? You know, Pendulette hooked me up with the dude Ray Cronius his name was, and he does a like a health site balled just sides. I think it was meaning like vegetables just so. Penn was like, you know, I read Penn's book and listened to it because he's fun to listen to, got a great voice. And he talked about doing this potato diet where it was like ten days and all he ate was potatoes. It wasn't At the time. I was like, you know, especially coming off the heart attack and whatnot. And I was like, well, I gotta do something, and you were like, oh, vecan And I was like all right, and so I was like, how do I fucking do that? And I was like, well, potato, I don't know IF's the vegetable. It's more of a tuber but it counts as not being an animal.

00:06:09
Speaker 2: I heard that.

00:06:11
Speaker 3: I mean, I hope I'm not given after let me see a legume.

00:06:15
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's what I was thinking that. But as you see, you always say, well what if we just what? What's that annoying thing you always say when I like.

00:06:29
Speaker 3: Set it up like that.

00:06:31
Speaker 2: When I'm wondering something, and then you make like.

00:06:34
Speaker 3: Some Oh God, wouldn't it be great if we had some magic box?

00:06:37
Speaker 2: Yeah? Yeah.

00:06:39
Speaker 3: The potato Salanum tuberosum is a starchy root vegetable. It's a vegetable that is a staple food in many parts of the world. Potatoes are tubers of the plant Salanum tuberosum, a perennial in the night shade family. They're witchy potatoes on the Potatoes are a good source of potassium, which is an electrolynte that helps the heart, muscles, and nervous system. Potatoes is also good dain Vitamin C, which prevents scurvy.

00:07:13
Speaker 2: Oh well, thank god, it's really.

00:07:15
Speaker 3: Nothing we think about these days. But hey, but hey, I don't want it to come back.

00:07:18
Speaker 2: I'll take it.

00:07:19
Speaker 3: Nobody fucking thinks about scurvy until it's back, and they're like, fucking so true, won't you fucking wash? And it's like, don't come from that? Come from then not eat enough potatoes? How the fuck does this country have any scurvy? Good point, that's right. America might be the capital of non existent.

00:07:37
Speaker 2: Scurvy because of potatoes.

00:07:40
Speaker 3: I don't know anybody. Don't eat potatoes in this world. Vitamin C, which prevents scurvy previously established, and fiber, which is important to the digestive health. This is what are like, did they really just look up what a potato is? What people from another planet trying to cognize our culture?

00:08:00
Speaker 2: A beard listickless me if you would like to learn more about potatoes.

00:08:03
Speaker 3: There are other vegetables you'd like to learn about. Click like and subscribe. Smash that like and subscribe button. We're on our way to one hundred followers. Talking about tubers dad and daughter.

00:08:19
Speaker 2: Next week we can look up carrots.

00:08:23
Speaker 3: Fuck that. Anyway, back to the point. I went on this potato diet and I was like, I fucking love potato. This is gonna be easy, be a cake walk. This is like somebody being like, all right, if you in order to save the world, you're gonna have to masturbate every day. I'm like, oh, I got this, and the problem I had, what the fuck?

00:08:45
Speaker 6: What?

00:08:45
Speaker 3: But why?

00:08:46
Speaker 2: But why?

00:08:47
Speaker 3: Sometimes you gotta write good ev you know. Ray's like, well, you can't use oil to cook him, and you can't put salt on them. You can't put anything on and you can just bake them, boil them, broil them, but you can't use anything. Just that flat out tuber the vegetable itself. And I was like, I'm on it. Fucking this's gonna be a cake walk. By the end of day two, I was like, I fucking hate potato. I never liked him. I liked mashed potatoes with means, I like milk and potter.

00:09:24
Speaker 8: Mamma, oh my please.

00:09:27
Speaker 2: I thought this was gonna be da free. That's my cat movement in case. I was just ting.

00:09:33
Speaker 3: Like, why did you go to that voice ship? Does he fucking insulting the half the country, the southern part of the country. That's the dumb ass cat's fucking voice. I'm sorry, let me rephrase that, that's her cat's dumb ass voice. I'm mumma. He revealed the truth in him words.

00:09:55
Speaker 4: Mamma, Grandpappy hate had Bobby keyboard, simmil tongue.

00:10:08
Speaker 3: Okay, okay.

00:10:11
Speaker 2: When goes on steroids and becomes the whole have you put them on asroid yet?

00:10:15
Speaker 3: No?

00:10:16
Speaker 2: For those who are wondering what the is going on, my cat has asthma. One of my fur cats has asthma.

00:10:25
Speaker 3: And what was the lesson the harsh lesson you learned today for the last night or whatever.

00:10:30
Speaker 2: I'm not talking about it, but you.

00:10:32
Speaker 3: Learned that, Like without going into detail.

00:10:35
Speaker 2: Don't.

00:10:37
Speaker 3: He bro.

00:10:39
Speaker 2: Put me on the spot. Let me tell you about all the things you.

00:10:42
Speaker 3: Did wrong about I was giving you a runway so you could take off and be like, thank you for building this father. You're a piece of ship, Joe Shiit Essentially that's therapy, isn't it. Like at the end of the day of the therapist, when I went to the fucking to the stir the bet you. They were constantly trying to get at my parents so like, what did Momily do to you?

00:11:04
Speaker 2: I was like, it all goes back to the parents, it really does.

00:11:08
Speaker 3: I I a month, I withstood there fucking torture, and I never broke to be like it was fucking Momily, but it was Mommily. It was so many or everything have to do with Momily and I have a I've always had a great relationship, but much better relationship I feel, from Clerks forward. Yeah, but that was tough for Momily because that was like having to cut the apron strings. And she was like, but I and she had me long, like, yeah, like some kind of loser. I lived at home till I was twenty three.

00:11:48
Speaker 2: Literally, what the fuck is happening? Are you trying to fight today?

00:11:53
Speaker 3: That doesn't show you how like wonderfully similar we are. We both lived at home until we were both losers, losers, aly fucking nuts.

00:12:01
Speaker 2: Like you just said that.

00:12:04
Speaker 3: Because that's what people used to say about motherfuckers who like stayed home and ship. Now it's all different, the paradigm is different. Your generation changed that stuff because none of you kids won't leave the house. Apparently you did. Yeah, you're like, but most kids are like a problem. Most adults I guess I've heard or I've read online. I had the other problem where they're like, my kid won't move out and ship. I'm like, oh man, I wish that was my problem. I do have a fantasy that everybody comes back to live in the house. What it may take.

00:12:38
Speaker 2: My house. You love my house. You love my house. You always say such nice things about it. Just kidding. He's so mean about my eyes.

00:12:47
Speaker 3: Her house is love lying adorable for her. But like you know, I'm not even a tall man. But when I'm in her house, I'm scraping my head on the ceiling.

00:12:53
Speaker 2: And you sound like a privilege. Fuck you sound like a privileged house.

00:12:59
Speaker 3: No, the privilege is to go to Hobbiton and see how Bilbo back lives.

00:13:07
Speaker 6: I just I'm so glad that this is a podcast and that it's recorded in that everyone can hear.

00:13:12
Speaker 3: You know what it is.

00:13:13
Speaker 2: He's saying fighting words today, throwing fighting words out there.

00:13:17
Speaker 3: If you watch the show, I must be really pushing it hard, like go to that if you see the show, and you could probably hear it too, because Danil, our producer, is always like, can you bring the ceiling down. I've now accustomed to a home I've lived in for twenty two years. Very high ceilings.

00:13:36
Speaker 2: Yeah, it's like twice the size of a normal home.

00:13:39
Speaker 3: Cathedral ceilings if you will. It allows for ridiculously large art as you can see behind me. Stuff. That being said, when you go to places that you know where the ceiling is normal height than others because they're well, I think I think your ceiling might be a little lower than those.

00:13:56
Speaker 2: My ceiling is lower than.

00:13:58
Speaker 3: The twenty one Jackson Street ceiling that I grew up with.

00:14:01
Speaker 2: Well, you were shorter then because you were a child.

00:14:04
Speaker 3: It's just about Zach.

00:14:05
Speaker 2: I could never touch that, maybe because you were five.

00:14:13
Speaker 3: I'm just glad you pre figured it out for me because I was about to go down a path and you were like, I see it in his eyes. No, Father, you were a child then, so of course you wouldn't be able to reach it. You're right today.

00:14:25
Speaker 2: Momily said on the phone that you were quiet when I was a kid.

00:14:29
Speaker 3: Yeah, I buy that.

00:14:31
Speaker 2: Rose Murray said that too.

00:14:32
Speaker 3: I buy that.

00:14:33
Speaker 6: And then I was like, I wonder because Rose Murray was like, she was saying that you were always observing hm, and I was like, oh, this makes sense.

00:14:46
Speaker 3: He was I I was observing as much as plotting, and I was like, which one can I step on to get to my future in? And all about eve fashion, and I was like, they all better buckle up. This is going to be a bumpy round.

00:14:57
Speaker 2: Literally.

00:15:00
Speaker 3: I my sister tells me that too. You're a Virginia, my sister Virginia shall be like you were quiet. You were a quiet kid. You weren't like this when you were a kid.

00:15:12
Speaker 2: You're still quiet.

00:15:15
Speaker 3: Now. No, I'm kidding. I could at home, I could be very quiet.

00:15:22
Speaker 2: No, you're always doing a little bit.

00:15:24
Speaker 3: You're likes always doing a little bit. Look at his da looking at a two step and always.

00:15:34
Speaker 2: Throwing fighting words out and always doing.

00:15:39
Speaker 3: Please give me your laughs and your love. Acknowledge. It was more than an acknowledgment. I don't know why I was a quiet kid. Honestly, I think it's because everyone wasn't grown up. Like the closest person to me in age was Donald, but he's four years old. They're always my older brother, And I'm not saying that, like what a shitty fucking ride. Like, thank god there was that guy. He was my older brother. He's excellent, but you know, he was still closer to Virginia's age, and so those two paled around like thick as thieves. They were like Lucky and Birdie, Like they went to school together. They fucking in high school. Everyone was like you dating each other because they were always like around each other. Really, yeah, little did they know that Uncle Don was not into Virginia Virginia whatsoever. But yeah, they were. They were closer than I was. But I shared the room with Don, and I had like a closeness with my brother because he was a boy. And that's gonna sound so fucking sad and gross, but you'll have to forget me. It was the seventies, like my sister Virginia like tells me now about like you don't remember, but you would be like, Virginia, you can't come in here because you're a girl.

00:16:56
Speaker 9: But that's you know, I was just I feel bad because my sister rude as fuck, but I was, you know what it was was I didn't know a whole behavior as.

00:17:07
Speaker 3: Well, but you were.

00:17:09
Speaker 2: But that's that's classic brothers sister's stuff.

00:17:12
Speaker 3: Maybe how would you know? You don't you don't you wouldn't let us bring a brother or a sister in the house. You would always ask Carl, like, do your brothers?

00:17:25
Speaker 2: I threatened to run away.

00:17:26
Speaker 3: She did it.

00:17:28
Speaker 8: It was no joke.

00:17:30
Speaker 3: You really shape the family, Like, thank god we didn't accidentally have another kid, because she might have been over the knife. De wont like.

00:17:39
Speaker 6: I literally recall being like, I'm so serious, and I was probably like five, what do you think it was?

00:17:45
Speaker 2: I'm so serious. If you have another kid, I will run away. I remember being I remember being like that.

00:17:53
Speaker 3: Now I'm gonna present something here, and I know you know I didn't have the same like issues as you. I didn't have a choice. I was the third kid, so I couldn't be like, why are these other two here? And get rid of them. I fucking crashed their party. You did, like, I'm sure you know. Virginia, she didn't have long enough without Donald because fucking Pompaly would not leave Mumbley alone was really in the marriage. So she's just like, so they're within a year of each other, so she didn't really have any time to be like, hey man, this life without somebody else's. But both of them had enough time to be like, all right, fucking wear human beings and we're on the planet.

00:18:41
Speaker 2: We had a long the parents so pissed. If I were them and you came along four years later.

00:18:48
Speaker 3: Not only not only did I come along three years later, but I was like, hell, the show begins, whereas Virginia says, like the Kevin Show.

00:18:59
Speaker 6: Also on Uncle Don's birthday, if I was Uncle Don, I would low cay hate you.

00:19:04
Speaker 3: But I am believing, like honestly, like my secret nightmares, like I'm convinced my brother loves me as much as I love my brother. But sometimes in the in the wee small hours in the morning, when like you know, there's no one around to tell you otherwise, and all you could do is just wind up in your head and start fucking relitigating everything, even things that don't need relitigating. From time to time, I'm like, I wonder if Donald liked me as much as he says he doeserve secretly Donald doesn't like me at all, And then I think it's made me so upset. I got Cassie.

00:19:40
Speaker 2: Beardlessless me. Listeners are like what the fuck is this?

00:19:44
Speaker 3: Like, hey, Manny burp, drink, that's the drinking game. They were like so demure.

00:19:51
Speaker 2: He called his Celsius Bridge.

00:19:53
Speaker 3: So I I think, uh, those cats early on. I had to oh no, here's my thesis. Ready.

00:20:05
Speaker 2: Wait, Remember when you told Austin, Austin will lead with you interrupted.

00:20:11
Speaker 3: Him because he was he was like a little labidor retriever. He was like and I was trying to lead with your thesiss. I didn't.

00:20:22
Speaker 2: I didn't bark, but I was like, this is you know, he fucking focused, not lead with your thesis.

00:20:30
Speaker 3: Here's my thesis. You I didn't want others like other brothers, sister, because you were like, hey, man, like fucking this is good. Like they're focused on me, Like I'm the focus here on the competition.

00:20:47
Speaker 2: What you think?

00:20:48
Speaker 3: I don't know?

00:20:49
Speaker 2: You tell me, I don't think I can say the answer.

00:20:55
Speaker 3: That bad? Yeah, because saying this ship, you were like two three yeah, oh yeah. From the gant as soon as you could talk. You were like, no siblings. I was like, holy ship, who taught her that whols and who taught her how to run her finger across her throat in a menacing fashion. Kids to have your first words. Weren't like mama or data. We just look no siblings. You were. You were part of the course. It was your brand from an early age. So regardless of whatever develops throughout the course of your life, maybe strengthen the don't get the Turby picture.

00:21:42
Speaker 2: Oh my god, I'm so sorry making.

00:21:44
Speaker 3: Any more of these the all right, hey, focus my I know when I was a kid that I and just in the example I gave you with with Virginia, it wasn't so much like I don't like girls because I fucking loved my mother and she's a girl. I only knew this is gonna sound weird, but I only knew how to handle one person at a time, Like I don't know how to do crowds. I still don't know how to do crowds. That's why I get up on a stage and I do all the talking because I was actually at a party. I don't know how to do that.

00:22:22
Speaker 2: I actually feel that a lot for me or for you, for me.

00:22:27
Speaker 3: Similar I relate to that. I can't.

00:22:29
Speaker 6: I can like tell if, like if we're at a convention or something, I'm talking to somebody, I'm like, even if people are like doing stuff, I have to be like dialed into laser person, yeah, laser focused to because I want to give that person my attention, but also because I literally if I let anything else beyond that person like into my into my brain. I immediately my brain explodes. I can't handle multiple things going on at once.

00:22:59
Speaker 3: Which fair, I'll take that, But what you live in a house where first you lived in a house where it was just you and Austin. And by the way, I just did a whole round of press for in England because the movie came out over there digitally, but it came out. Everyone said the beautiful things about your boyfriend's performance. But there was one guy who was just like, before we go, can I ask you a question. I'm not gonna try to do the accident ship. They were all British, use your imagination, but I was like yeah yeah, and he goes, I just want to make sure is it you're still doing? Sorry, well I have to is it yeah? Because he is this Jure or zig and I was like, Austin, oh Zager yeah. And he was like, oh, thank you because he didn't want to be in the internet. He was like the performance by as says you, if motherfucker been known as Austin z Azure, we open at number one, that's so true because that's like Timothy Shallowy type name. You tell him to start being azure.

00:24:11
Speaker 2: It sounds so fancy. You really get from that?

00:24:14
Speaker 3: Laius so true? Do you know what that is.

00:24:20
Speaker 2: Deep down somewhere? Yeah, I don't know if you could deep down somewhere.

00:24:24
Speaker 3: It was from a Jeens commercial in the eighties. I was like, what the are you a traveler? This commercial was ooh la la cessong La laessong. So nobody remembers it. So now he could literally have his own fucking little song, Zesu. That's how he should slate all of his fucking you know. Was it called selfie no self tape?

00:24:52
Speaker 2: Self tapes? Yeah, when you have to do your human.

00:24:55
Speaker 3: Instead of like, Hi'm Austin's ager, I'm fucking twenty nine or whatever, talking him four ft.

00:25:02
Speaker 8: Whatever.

00:25:05
Speaker 3: I didn't mean him specifically, I could do that. Do you have to don't? Yeah, don't. I was just that was not you were for me? I did not. No, I didn't mean it like he's short. I meant just like, don't you have to provide?

00:25:25
Speaker 2: Yes you have to, Yeah, but I like how you threw his age out there.

00:25:29
Speaker 3: But you're like, but he's for Yes, I feel pretty smart. And also you would let me finish my little sketch instead of doing all that bullshit. He starts to self date by being like winks and then listening he does this ship where he puts his hand in front of his face to like the Zen mask, and then he's like, lion.

00:25:56
Speaker 6: Limit, that's so, that's so embarrassing, we should do that before we do the podcastle face.

00:26:06
Speaker 3: Ben and Matt did that, and Jane Silmbob Shark Back in the movie or Yeah, when they're playing themselves in the movie. At one point we're watching before the take, they're like, all right, let's get ready. Lyon Faceing goes, yeah, lion face.

00:26:21
Speaker 2: I was like, they did that to prepare for.

00:26:25
Speaker 3: Once in their lives. They did that to prepare. But by the time in two thousand and one we were making janes Son Bob Shark Back, they were long enough in their careers, but they're like, let's make fun of that thing we used to always do. So it was an acting exercise that they once took seriously, but now that they were movie stars, they're like, huh. Now one of them was like the other guys, it's like no, no, no, lion face. Lemon face is a necessary part of the tool to get to the craft, which.

00:26:52
Speaker 2: One Ben said that to Matt. Matt said that to Bed.

00:27:00
Speaker 3: If anybody said that, I assure you it would be bad.

00:27:05
Speaker 5: Yeah.

00:27:05
Speaker 3: Ben wouldn't give that. Ben would not give Kevin Smith movie. I just I don't mean to.

00:27:12
Speaker 2: He is my best friend.

00:27:15
Speaker 3: Sorry, I dropped the name so hard the table almost broke. But yeah, and drop off these names. Yeah. No, Matt's even on a Kevin Smith movie. Would like give the Craft thought, whereas Ben would be like, no, just tell me how to say it. Let's move the funk on. That's right, say I gotta get the old one out of my head, la la, let me see if I can find that here for me. If we spend time looking up and.

00:27:57
Speaker 8: Reading, but thought it was like a night shade, that's true.

00:28:03
Speaker 3: That would have brought us back to fucking Halloween. We didn't let it, no, but it could bring us back to Witchcraft real quick. And as much as like I, while I was sick, I had enough time to fuck with Agatha all along, and I watched the first two episodes. I was like, Yeah, Then I watched all of them and ship and episode six and seven are really fucking strong, but seven is absolute fucking fire.

00:28:25
Speaker 2: But special feelings they Oh my god.

00:28:27
Speaker 3: I rewatched one part of it like ten fucking times over and over. It's beautiful. You don't even have to like Marvel things to like just see to watch it an amazing, just a great sequence. And Patty LuPone is at the center of it, and she's just fucking a legend. So in any event in the episode, I don't know is that episode or the episode before, but Sashier's Amata who we worked with, and yogos dropping off names. She is referencing like she's the potions expert, so she has to put shit together. So she's trying to put together a cauldron, which is a sink in the you know, fucking kitchen sink, a cauldron all the ingredients, but one of the ingredients for she calls for Eye of Newt and I but it was and I it was something stupid like mustard seed, okay or something like that, where it's like, that's Eye of Newt And I looked it up online and it is really so all these years, fifty four fucking years, whenever I heard some witchy thing be like the guy of Newt was they gotta fucking catch a Newton eye out? Literally, it's just another name for like coriander.

00:29:40
Speaker 2: Truly, it's just like a mustard seed.

00:29:42
Speaker 3: I mean where now? This is why I told your mom was like Harley got out here and she went upstairs to Sai hid to gen and then when we came down to record the show Queen of Fomo upstairs, it was like, okay, bye, I don't what will I do now? And I was like, why don't you come downstairs and just do the show? And she's like no. I was like, you could be the person on the show that we're like, look that up. And that's when she turns and goes, fuck you, I don't work for your buddy's. So she could have been looking both of these things up when I was coming to the Yeah, let me look up that's the only thing. But then what's the other one I will looking at?

00:30:23
Speaker 2: I have new Yes, thank you.

00:30:25
Speaker 3: Don't let me forget that? Why because I want to look it up? Why? Oh bro, get ready to be taken there.

00:30:34
Speaker 2: I'm ready.

00:30:51
Speaker 3: And this ain't even the commercial I'm talking about. I'm gonna find the one that is kind.

00:30:54
Speaker 6: Of more you know what?

00:30:56
Speaker 2: It sounds like Jim.

00:30:58
Speaker 3: From the same error. I don't even either, but they were committed to the lass song.

00:31:10
Speaker 2: Once again, the beardless stickles. The audience is like, what the fuck is this?

00:31:17
Speaker 7: There it is?

00:31:28
Speaker 2: Oh wow, the visual is even better.

00:31:30
Speaker 3: It's the New York Rangers singing along from nineteen seventy nine. Then La La, then your la la there that Yeah, that does sent me. Man. The kids say what used to say? I'm sorry? And then I have Newt? Fuck? Wait what we gotta we gotta we gotta close all the loops I of Newt.

00:31:59
Speaker 2: Okay, yeah, look it up.

00:32:00
Speaker 3: See she would have been so helpful sitting here.

00:32:02
Speaker 2: Read the definition of a potato again. Please please?

00:32:07
Speaker 3: I have Newts mustard seed. The witch is seen in Shakespeare's Macbeth, describes a concoction that consists of eye of newt and toe of frog, wool of bat, and tongue of dog. Luckily, these terms refer to plants, not actual animal parts. I of Newt is a pseudonym for mustard seed. They did their research on that's really cool. They got that Disney money so they could pay somebody and be like, look that up, look that up.

00:32:33
Speaker 8: Meanwhile, I asked somebody to do it for free.

00:32:37
Speaker 3: You can't be bothered.

00:32:39
Speaker 2: Oh my god, Canoredlla.

00:32:43
Speaker 3: Thanks a lot.

00:32:48
Speaker 2: O la la, thanks for fucking nothing. Wait, I have a Halloween question.

00:32:56
Speaker 8: Okays, the internet will have an answer for you.

00:33:00
Speaker 2: Favorite horror movie.

00:33:01
Speaker 3: My favorite horror movie. Yeah, I think we've talked about this. I mean, like, you know, there are fucking all time classics like the Shining and stuff, But the one flick that I find incredibly unnerving and terrifying as a Texas chainsawm ask for two. Two One is hard, hard, one goes hard and plays like a documentary, so it's terrifying in its own right. But two to me is like the height of madness. And every time I try to make something that's like edgy or whatever, like a Tusk or Red State or something like that, that is my model, like always, just still captures my imagination to this day. I think it came out in nineteen eighty six, Oh yes, the year of Austin Zizure in the four to thirty movie movie. But I know while I was doing press, because there was a point I was telling about doing fucking press. Was was it? I thought that came afterwards? No, that was the press, but they did ask about them on the interview. I think there was something else. I think I was bringing up doing the press because like why because I was sitting there and I was saying something, you know, I was doing something something that was hardly When she was kid, Harley would tell stories like you kept your imagination by like, you know, telling her stories about like I I found this email that Nana printed up that I sent while I was away. Nana would sit there with Harley and write emails like I miss you Dad, where are you? Blah blah blah, and I would.

00:34:45
Speaker 2: Write back, I miss you, where are you? I need my dad.

00:34:53
Speaker 3: Here's a funny story about the dogs driving a car. That's what I did. I would write like, I miss you, but I a song Scully and Moulder. I saw Scully and Molder like driving a car. They were driving through the city, and so I'll tell this little story about the dogs driving a car. And so Harley would constantly write her version of the story, which she's like one time Molder and Scully took a car and then they ate something, pleaved something to the end. I was like, you know what, three x structure, it's all there, writing legend, writing legend. The other morning I woke up to ten pages. How much it was that feels like it was a solid ten because at first I was like ten pages the fu And then I was like, you know what I did tell her to write? Yeah, what the fuck?

00:35:45
Speaker 2: This man literally is constantly like your destiny. It is your destiny to the writer.

00:35:51
Speaker 3: I'll tell him.

00:35:52
Speaker 2: You would never.

00:35:53
Speaker 6: Assume from the way I speak, because I speak like a yet but but yeah, I guess.

00:36:02
Speaker 3: Oh, I've been saying it for years. I was like, you've got to write. It's a new at your destiny to write. And I was proven right by the fact that she sent me ten pages that I was like, Wow, this is really good, and not in a way of like, oh, I'm proud of my kid. I can divorce myself from that shit really easy and whatnot, especially when it comes to like, you know, fucking amen, I no story and I never read scripts like people ask me to reach it. I hate that and whatnot.

00:36:27
Speaker 2: I'm from gem yeah remember.

00:36:30
Speaker 3: Yeah, fucking yeah. But uh I read these, man, and I'd like I woke up. It was like four or four thirty in the morning, so I was sitting there reading them, and I was so fucking delighted. So I'm like, I'm not pumping your tires, just pump your tires. But I was duly fucking impressed where I was like, and then I fell smart because I was like I knew it, like I knew she could write, like there were definitely three moments, if not four moments in those dumb pages where I was like, nice, like she's doing she's calling from real life, and she's creating moments in a scene that fucking anyone could like cling on to identify it like it was good.

00:37:12
Speaker 5: It was.

00:37:13
Speaker 3: I was very, very fucking impressed. And it was a far cry from somebody eating something and playing with somebody. Oh yeah, you would have been thinking about it if you were still in that story mode, you'd have been done in one page, eating.

00:37:27
Speaker 2: Something, playing with something. Walked so that I have we well we have.

00:37:39
Speaker 3: Oh my god, I must have got it from you.

00:37:40
Speaker 2: I used that. I say that all the time because I think it's funny.

00:37:44
Speaker 3: I think I must still because I put up there was a the Catholic Church announced they have a new symbol like that they're adding and it's just crazy. I only know about it because the Internet that still remembers who the fuck I am, which.

00:37:57
Speaker 2: Is a lot.

00:38:00
Speaker 3: Scent scent and forwarded me because I saw a comment from some fucker today online in the comments section of a YouTube fucking clip of a video I put up where he was just like, gen X makes me so sad if they think anyone still watches these movies.

00:38:17
Speaker 2: Okay, if you've got to hype yourself, pipe yourself on.

00:38:20
Speaker 3: In that moment, I was dressing that one cat period, probably never going to listen to the show. But side note, there are a lot of people in that comment section who are like the comment section I put up because I put up that little short film that I showed you on the So there were a bunch of people going like, I've been waiting to hear this since I see it, since I heard it. I beardlesstick was literally ten comments I saw in the first hour said that now it stands to reason listen to us.

00:38:47
Speaker 2: We have no idea.

00:38:49
Speaker 3: I mean, don't the real dark Man.

00:38:53
Speaker 2: Someone else runs this for us, so we really don't know.

00:38:57
Speaker 3: No, So I was delighted. I was like, somebody's heard the show.

00:39:00
Speaker 2: Really, Actually, I wonder how many people listen to the show. Aren't you curious?

00:39:04
Speaker 3: Based on those comments, We're on our way smashed that leggings of skry but on our way to eleven kids. But anyway, the Catholic Church, like this is legit came up with a little like doll that is their new symbol. Oh it's crazy cross, yes, yeah, well the little dolls wearing a cross. But bro, it's nuts because it very closely parallels dogm So here it is Catholic TV. The Vatican has unveiled the official mascot of the Holy Year twenty twenty five. The mascot's name is loose Italian like Lucifer. Yeah, because Lucifer. The name of Lucifer is a light bringer loose light if for bringer. So he was the light bringer before he was a devil, before he was.

00:39:56
Speaker 2: You know, yeah, we know.

00:39:58
Speaker 3: Now we've covered listen to previous episode. Archbishop Ficiela says the mascot was inspired by the Church's desire to quote to live even within the pop culture so beloved by our youth. Now I'm gonna show you the image.

00:40:18
Speaker 2: Coraline.

00:40:20
Speaker 8: What online said that they're like.

00:40:23
Speaker 3: That Coraline Catholic cornline literally with an old man priest next to her.

00:40:31
Speaker 2: That's literally Coraline.

00:40:33
Speaker 3: So it's a little for if you're not watching and you're listening. It's a little I think it's a girl, I don't know, in a raincoat. She's wearing a crucifix around her neck, and she's got what looks like a you know, a fork that like Shepherd's.

00:40:45
Speaker 2: Yeah, but only it has one side.

00:40:48
Speaker 3: She's also wearing, so maybe it's just a walking stick. She's also wearing like, you know, Jay's jacket from one of the movies Yellow.

00:40:57
Speaker 2: Oh, are there seashells in her?

00:41:01
Speaker 3: No? There, it's you know, honestly, it looks like seashells and eyes, but it's the reflection meant to be a reflection. So in any event, this I'm you know, you're not way familiar with Dogma. But George Carlin as Cardinal Glick in the beginning of the movie says like, you know, the Catholic Church is gonna get rid of the crucifix because it's depressing it. So they were replacing it with this brand new symbol, and that's the Buddy Christ. That's where the Buddy Christ comes from, pointing and thumbs up, which is if you want to see it in real life. Jane sound Abop secret stash in Red Bank, New Jersey now that was twenty five years ago in a movie. It was ridiculous. It was satire. It was like, oh, you know, Jesus, that points something cute because they think the crucifix is depressing, it'll never happen. And fucking twenty twenty four Fellow was like, hold my fucking beer, Oh my god, and they came out with loose and it made me like core line, it's crazy. It made me the like for twenty four hours. People were like, bro, like the Simpsons, you had a Simpsons moment where you predicted the future.

00:42:09
Speaker 2: And I was like, pretty cool.

00:42:10
Speaker 3: I did have a Simpsons moment. Loose, bro loose, loose bro loose? Who is a little child? Which I don't know if you know the optics, but fucking Catholic church and kids the scoreboard don't look real good. They could have gone with anything, but they went with loose.

00:42:30
Speaker 2: Hey, remember when you read the definition of a potato?

00:42:33
Speaker 3: Yeah, there's a highlight of fucking really, I would say, not just podcasts, but communication in general, the first written language. And then there's did you know a potato? You know what? How many people have ever stopped to read the definition? For granted, even you didn't know all those things we learned ship on beard li stickless me.

00:43:05
Speaker 2: You're welcome, La, La, You're welcome.

00:43:08
Speaker 3: I'm coming at you from mister potato hat himself.

00:43:15
Speaker 8: Hey you can't, mister potato hat.

00:43:18
Speaker 3: Did you know what potatoes? Why is that any more than loose? In fact, I would like to speak to the Catholic church, mister potato hat.

00:43:34
Speaker 8: Mister potato hat, Jesus died for your sins.

00:43:38
Speaker 2: Actually yeah, I like that.

00:43:39
Speaker 3: People. What's the what does the potato have to do with Jesus?

00:43:43
Speaker 8: Well, what does loose have to.

00:43:44
Speaker 3: Do with Jesus? Like you got us there?

00:43:46
Speaker 2: You put on you have a cross, that's.

00:43:49
Speaker 3: Right, he's wearing across around his neck and the potato and that hat is forward, not like my backwards. We got to the top.

00:43:57
Speaker 2: It's a top hat.

00:43:58
Speaker 3: No, because then then the plants people are on the phone going like Catherine or not, your fucker's getting suited.

00:44:03
Speaker 2: I forgot about that peanut that's.

00:44:05
Speaker 3: Right, the most famous.

00:44:07
Speaker 8: So we got to catch up.

00:44:08
Speaker 3: That fucker's had one hundred years ahead of fucking mister potato hat.

00:44:12
Speaker 8: So we got to pick the right chapeau. That's gonna make all the difference.

00:44:15
Speaker 2: Peanut is so sassy looking.

00:44:18
Speaker 3: He's so sassy looking that Robert Downey Junior voiced him a few years ago. Really, he never had a voice all that time. And then one day they were like, you know who the voice is, probably Jr. I was like, that's sassy, so demure, you love it, you love so we can't be that hat.

00:44:35
Speaker 2: It has to be your hat. It wouldn't make sense if if if you were mister potato hut.

00:44:39
Speaker 3: Now we're branching. Well, I'm doing the voice, but I don't have to look like you are the costume and Shrek, you could do a voice and.

00:44:46
Speaker 2: That look like, oh, you're wearing the costume.

00:44:47
Speaker 3: This is this is like they're gonna make animation? What did they call that? In Disney? When you wear the face character or face character is like Bell? Who is the costume mascot? What do they when you wear the cars? Oh? Yeah, how do you know? How do you not know the Disney term?

00:45:08
Speaker 2: When you're let me let me think back to let me think back to Freshman.

00:45:14
Speaker 3: Look at you accessing information. You're digging into your pensive. This is like a moment out of Harry Potter, but the America.

00:45:23
Speaker 8: But no magic whatsoever.

00:45:26
Speaker 2: But I'm just stupid.

00:45:28
Speaker 3: It really just comes down. You have glasses like Harry Potter.

00:45:32
Speaker 2: Why can't I I've said it before. It's the weed.

00:45:37
Speaker 3: Oh god, it could be. That's where it all starts going away, slipping away.

00:45:46
Speaker 2: Wait, I'm so bothered.

00:45:49
Speaker 3: I mean, if only there was some mission, I could tell us information we're missing. And once again, I'm just gonna blend this out. She's not here to hear it. But this is the third time. Would have been super really abuse my mother. All Right, what am I looking at? What do they call Disney costume characters?

00:46:11
Speaker 8: Don't let the show go dark?

00:46:13
Speaker 3: You got sorry? I'm sorry.

00:46:15
Speaker 2: I was still trying. I was my mind was racing.

00:46:17
Speaker 3: Somebody's gonna eat something.

00:46:20
Speaker 2: So there were these dogs, then they something.

00:46:28
Speaker 3: Disney costume characters, also known as costumed performers. That's it. That's what you were struggling to remember. One, I think you're okay. One they interact with guests and yeah, blah blah blah. That's it. They just create. So there's costume.

00:46:42
Speaker 2: I think there is like a fresh bake like term.

00:46:46
Speaker 3: But I'll just I'll just like, what's it like to work as a costumed character Disney Amusement parks Man. We just fell down the rabbit hole of that. So what was the point of that? So if I'm playing the guy, you're right, he should be wearing a baseball capital. Yeah, but I can't be back. If it's backwards, then people know the guy.

00:47:06
Speaker 2: You know what you don't?

00:47:07
Speaker 3: Why am I letting it go? I gotta hold on a piece of this.

00:47:10
Speaker 2: Yeah, why why do you not want people to know you are mister potato Hot?

00:47:13
Speaker 3: Good fucking point. I wasn't thinking because I was.

00:47:15
Speaker 6: Because fucking Hannah Montana, you're mister potato Hot. That's true, mister potatot Potato.

00:47:21
Speaker 3: Yes, that's right. It don't have to be the best of both worlds.

00:47:24
Speaker 2: It's one the world, the best of mister potato.

00:47:28
Speaker 3: I could be the adult Anna Montana who's not hiding a secret, who's just living openly. On the opposite of Hannama alter ego is a potato with a hat.

00:47:37
Speaker 8: I'm Spiderhoe Idaho. I got the best the world.

00:47:50
Speaker 10: Because life ain't always a dead I got the best of both worlds because I've got a hat on the Yes.

00:48:01
Speaker 2: I was like, you did not just say dudd and are not going to rhyme.

00:48:04
Speaker 3: It was would I would kids believe me. I was gonna eat something and play with something. In the end, I was gonna take you there.

00:48:11
Speaker 2: Hey, put some fucking respect on that name. That's how I got.

00:48:14
Speaker 3: Strong, writing strong, Thank you strong, my beginnings. Yes, one day when you're accepting an Oscar for your screenplay, Yes, you could be like my whole career guided. Number one, I hate of siblings. I would never have never do telling a story that's me.

00:48:30
Speaker 7: Number two my dad never I would thank my father for being away on the road where Nana and I had to write him emails where he would say something somewhat amusing back, but not really cover the fact.

00:48:42
Speaker 3: That I was alone, alone, so alone. I'll never be alone again because I have this. Why you want me to do your real voice? This isn't even I'm up here accepting this. I would also like to remind others in the audience that this is Suffice as an award. I appreciate it. But I did play John Proctor once and that was a little something like that.

00:49:13
Speaker 8: You can't.

00:49:17
Speaker 3: Like she okay, did she even really win?

00:49:24
Speaker 2: It's actually plastic. I brought it from all I wasn't.

00:49:36
Speaker 3: Uh Half half of the Beautiless Stickless podcast walked down to the Oscars stage tonight and what is the most shocking moment of the Academy Awards since the infamous slap. She accepted a Screamplip award and talked about.

00:49:54
Speaker 2: Her child childhood trauma.

00:49:57
Speaker 3: And she is.

00:50:00
Speaker 6: Wearing a shirt that's his mister Potato Hot on it and her father is outside dressed as a potato Leave me out of this.

00:50:09
Speaker 3: I'm on stage. I was just watching. The moment was crazy.

00:50:12
Speaker 2: We're confused by the statement he's making with the Potato Hot costume.

00:50:16
Speaker 3: Like and now we go live to the Hollywood Hills where her father is standing by for comment. Look, we're very proud of her for everything, even.

00:50:27
Speaker 1: Though yeah, you know what, especially this. You know, my kid has a gaty warned. You know why you ship don't understand art. That's the problem here.

00:50:41
Speaker 11: That's art and that whole fucking ceremonious bought and soul, and my kid came up here and broke the system. So horrah for Harley Quinn Smith, daughter of Kevin uh DoD Kevinsmith dot com.

00:50:55
Speaker 3: If you want to watch us on our podcast listenlets.

00:50:59
Speaker 8: Yeah again, and then you close the door.

00:51:04
Speaker 3: What the fuck was that? They turned back to the camera. A family of scammerasis this reporting back to even the studio. In the studio like shocking and sad, so shocking, so sad, A family unmoored.

00:51:33
Speaker 2: You open the door for a crack and throw out a mister Potato hot shirt.

00:51:38
Speaker 8: Hold hold on, we're.

00:51:39
Speaker 3: Hearing back from live on scene, Maria, what's going on? You missed it? He opened the door, crack, went to throw the shirt out, hit his knuckles on the door frame, said oh funk a few more times, then through a blood his shirt out us. I saw where he slammed the doors. He scraped the skin, knuckle, the knuckle out of skin, and.

00:52:10
Speaker 2: His phone is now exposed.

00:52:12
Speaker 3: It's I think if we wait here for a few more minutes, he's going to be coming out to go to the emergency. I'm pretty sure I'm.

00:52:20
Speaker 2: Right, and I hear an ambulance approaching.

00:52:23
Speaker 3: I'll throw it back to you, Okay, thank you. We'll be ready to go back if anything further develops. Shocking incident. What we're back.

00:52:36
Speaker 6: Knuckles and he's now running out and blood is gushing out of his knuckles once.

00:52:45
Speaker 3: The all words spoke spokesperson of gen X now now sat.

00:52:56
Speaker 2: With minor injuries, wearing up potato hot.

00:53:00
Speaker 3: You or someone you love is acting this.

00:53:02
Speaker 2: Way, Please please, we beg you don't let you.

00:53:09
Speaker 3: Please take them home, Sit them on the couch, tell them the story about somebody eating something and playing with something. The end. That's all I can handle.

00:53:20
Speaker 2: It's really all all they can handle it.

00:53:28
Speaker 3: Look, you permission to storm the Oscar stage and take what you were saying. You know what, Thanks, I got backed that place.

00:53:36
Speaker 2: I've been waiting for you to say that.

00:53:38
Speaker 3: My whole life, I've been waiting to say it took to this moment. You know what, It's weird my whole life. I knew I was gonna say it when I was a child, when I was good. I was like, one day, I'm gonna say this, And I don't know why.

00:53:48
Speaker 2: One time you tried to tell me that you could see the future.

00:53:52
Speaker 3: You doubt me. Yep, you should. Nobody could prognosticate. But there have been weird happens to it is which, when lined up one could make mean something more.

00:54:05
Speaker 2: I see, well, yeah, for sure, for sure.

00:54:08
Speaker 3: Believe in that.

00:54:09
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that brings us back to hall.

00:54:18
Speaker 3: So very witchy. Kids go out and fucking eat your Halloween candy or eat someone else's Halloween candy. Make sure make sure it's begin Halloween is a time for dads and daughters, and so that's that's how I should have started the episode. Halloween is the time for Yeah, you take the kid out or treating, and then the kids like, leave my brother home. I hate him. That would have been me. I was like, you leave Virginia home. It's just me and Donald going trigger treat.

00:54:50
Speaker 2: I would have killed it.

00:54:51
Speaker 3: Going back to that point, I'm going to close that point. I think I can only handle people one at a time. I was very like that with my mom. I was like, like everyone stay away. It's I'm like, I'm like, fucking Bertie. That's why I got a lot of like sympathy for Bertie. Where Bertie like gets in between me and Walkie and she's like no, no me, yeah, oh my god, no me. Me and Bertie have a lot in common.

00:55:11
Speaker 2: She's right here wearing her Halloween pajamas.

00:55:13
Speaker 3: Same thing. So am I look at me? There it is kids, ok, And there's your beardless nicolos for Halloween. Halloween, the first Danuel Halloween.

00:55:24
Speaker 2: Oh my god, the literally wow, happy freaking do you know my favorite horror movie?

00:55:30
Speaker 3: Your favorite horror movie? Silence of Lambs. Wow, I've been paying attention. Oh my god, the fucking camera went like, way, of course, what is there?

00:55:41
Speaker 5: It is?

00:55:41
Speaker 3: Kids. If you want to see beardless stickless me, go to that Kevin Smith dot club, that Kevinsmith club dot com and uh dot club and join up. Man, you can actually watch the fucking show.

00:55:54
Speaker 2: You can see us be this crazy or just.

00:55:57
Speaker 3: Keep sticking it in your ears. Siate, y'all listen. Yeah when I read people who are there, yeah, I'll tend you what eleven just signed up. I love when people talk about the show and they invariably there's always a review that's like it reminds me of old smartcast.

00:56:16
Speaker 2: I see a lot of Rose.

00:56:18
Speaker 3: I like that because that essentially, that's a code for like Kevin's having a good time. You having a good time. That's having a good time. We make having a good ten. We makey because she got no siblings. I didn't have them because I wouldn't know what to do. I was like, well, you got to get out. We're doing a podcast together.

00:56:38
Speaker 2: Oh my god, can you imagine that'd be so awkward?

00:56:40
Speaker 3: I know, I.

00:56:43
Speaker 2: Look, I'd be like, get out, dad loves me more.

00:56:46
Speaker 3: He totally would be like that one cat He's like.

00:56:48
Speaker 2: I'd probably be a bad.

00:56:49
Speaker 3: And your brother would be like, boom, whoa, whoa horribly. Let me be on the Paul Kyles please.

00:56:58
Speaker 2: As more.

00:57:00
Speaker 3: Just give me my shop moment. That's that's Halloween move, Bob. Have a special spooky Halloween kids for beardless. I'm Kevin Smith Smith the Beardless Halloween. This has been a podcast production, some podcast podcast using our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey kids, did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what. We've got tons more, man thousands of hours of podcasts waiting for you at that Kevinsmith club dot com. Go sign up now