Ladies Don't Offend. They Overexplain.

In this episode, we unpack why women feel responsible for other people’s comfort, how over-explaining becomes a trauma response, and what it costs your confidence, clarity, and energy.

What is That's Not Very Ladylike?

That’s Not Very Ladylike is the podcast for every woman who was told to be polite, stay calm, or stop being so dramatic, meanwhile her hormones, boundaries, and sanity were quietly falling apart.

Hosted by Tracey Willingham, licensed social worker and the voice behind That Hormone Girl™, each episode starts with one rule: Ladies don’t…and then they do it anyway.

Together, we unpack the unspoken expectations, the emotional labor, the generational BS, and the hormone chaos modern women are carrying and we get honest about what it actually takes to feel like yourself again.

If you’re ready to question the rules, trust your body, and stop shrinking to make everyone else comfortable, you’re in the right place.

Tracey: 00:13

You're listening to That's Not Very Ladylike, the show where every week we start with one rule, ladies don't. And then we do it anyway. I'm Tracy Willingham, and you might know me as that hormone girl. In today's episode, we're staying loud and raising a little hell by talking about ladies don't offend, they overexplain. Welcome to that's not very ladylike.

Tracey: 01:09

We are on episode six my friends and we are talking about ladies don't offend they over explain. I feel like this one's going to trigger a lot of y'all and that's okay. We can handle triggers. We say sorry when someone bumps into us. Right?

Tracey: 01:29

How many of you have done that? We say sorry when we take up space around men. Here's an example. I still am trying to break myself from saying sorry when I'm going down the stairs while a man is coming up them. What is that?

Tracey: 01:50

I'm working on it. We preface opinions with this might sound crazy, but and we wrap honesty and disclaimers like it's bubble wrap because heaven forbid we offend someone with our tone, our truth, or definitely boundaries. So somewhere along the way, being kind turned into being quiet, And we learned that comfort keeps relationships intact even if it costs us. But here's the thing, you can't live authentically and be universally liked. And I'm not saying this from like high up on a pedestal.

Tracey: 02:34

I am still digesting and learning this every day because I'm human. Of course, I want people to like me. I'm fun. I'm funny. I mean, why would you not like me?

Tracey: 02:45

But guess what? I'm not going to be universally liked. So today, let's talk about the art of disappointing people on purpose. So I used to think I was just being professional, you know, like I'm a clear, thoughtful, I'm a good communicator. But somewhere along the way, I let someone convince me that writing an email should be a full blown emotional performance.

Tracey: 03:18

I'm never going to name names on this podcast. But if you know me, I know so many of you are like, I know who you talking about. So I'd spend forty five minutes crafting a three sentence email to my colleagues, making sure there was no tone, that every line dripped, dripped with positivity, and that their needs were being met, even if mine were being completely inconvenienced. And then I'd read it out loud. Oh, that's not soft enough.

Tracey: 03:56

Let's edit for more softness. I'd throw in an exclamation point for warmth. Oh, I want you to know I'm like, hey, girl, let's throw that exclamation point in there. And then you know what else might help? I'm going to mix in a few memes so that it seems silly and lovable.

Tracey: 04:12

And then I'm gonna keep tweaking it like the New York Times is waiting for me to submit this email as my most brilliant work ever. And by the end, guess what happens? It's not on point and it doesn't even sound like me. And what it really sounded like is a customer service chatbot. Maybe even possibly sounding like the chatbot's having a nervous breakdown.

Tracey: 04:36

And after all that, this person would reply with one word, received. And that's when it hit me. I wasn't communicating. I was performing safety. I was not trying to be understood.

Tracey: 04:55

Not at all. I was trying to not be misunderstood because somewhere in my nervous system and in my past life, my past walk, I've learned that clarity had become dangerous. And I learned that directness made people uncomfortable. And that saying no or I kind of disagree, it requires emotional padding. Make sure there's smile emojis, exclamation points, entire paragraphs of context that you really didn't care to know.

Tracey: 05:32

And it wasn't about the email. It was about survival. Because women who offend get labeled difficult. And women who overexplain and cater to others get labeled dependable. And we have been choosing dependability for way too long.

Tracey: 05:57

So let's talk about what really hides under all that overexplaining. We call it being thorough. We call it clear communication. But really, we are doing a preemptive damage control. Because somewhere between use your manners and be a team player, we learned that the worst thing a woman can do is make someone uncomfortable.

Tracey: 06:23

So we over function, we translate cushion and filter, we add emojis for warmth, disclaimers for safety, and then we end every email like we're applying for sainthood. And you know what I mean, because it ends just like this. Hope this helps. Totally understand if not, and hey, no pressure. Right?

Tracey: 06:47

You all have ended an email like that at some point. I know you have. Meanwhile, I'm over here looking at the emails that my male colleagues are sending. And then it sounds like it's like a one line email that I mean, it really reads like a ransom note. Need this Tuesday.

Tracey: 07:09

And guess what? Nobody questions their tone. Nobody says, oh, that was rude. Or Oh, who does he think he is? It's just like, Oh, he needs this by Tuesday.

Tracey: 07:19

But if a woman wrote that, HR would schedule a wellness check. You doing okay? That email seemed a little passive aggressive. We bend our sentences into yoga poses trying to sound likable. We turn no into I wish I could but I have so much going on right now.

Tracey: 07:42

Maybe next week? We turn boundaries into literature. And the wild part? We're not doing it because we're weak. We're doing it because that's how we've been wired for connection.

Tracey: 07:57

And somewhere along the line for so many women connection got confused with compliance. That's not emotional intelligence. It's wrapped as it but that's not emotional intelligence. It is nervous system management. And what I mean by that is we are over explaining.

Tracey: 08:19

It's a fun response. The part of the stress cycle where your body says, if I can just keep everyone happy, I'll be safe. Your pulse quickens while you type. You second guess the wording, and then you hit send, hoping the tone police don't come for you, which guess what? 50% of the time, it does.

Tracey: 08:42

Side note, learned from someone once that said you should read every single email in a voice of joy. Try it sometime. Now, it's hokey and it's funny. But there are times where I'm like, after you read it sounding super joyful, it kind of starts to be like, maybe I am reading into this a little too much. So just a little tip there.

Tracey: 09:07

But what I want us to see is that this is not about communication. It's self protection in a blazer at work. It is self protection in a blazer. And the cost is it's subtle, but it's so brutal. Because every time you soften a sentence that didn't need it, you're chipping away at your own self trust.

Tracey: 09:28

And every time you apologize for clarity, you teach your body that truth is danger. It's dangerous. And then we end up so fluent in niceness. But we are illiterate in speaking our own needs. And it's not just an email.

Tracey: 09:50

I mean, was an easy example. It's everywhere. In the meeting where you start every idea with this might be dumb, but in the relationship where you narrate every boundary like you're on a special TED talk, in a text where you explain why you didn't respond sooner because God forbid someone thinks you're mad because you didn't respond immediately. We are terrified of being the villain in someone else's story. But here's what the cost is, my friend.

Tracey: 10:28

While we're busy while we're busy editing to be likable, to make others comfortable, you daily erase the woman that you are. You begin to erase your story, your presence, and your truth. And at some point, you start to realize the peace you're keeping. It's not peace at all. It's performance.

Tracey: 10:58

And the truth? You can't be authentic and accommodating at the same time. And let me tell y'all, I'm about to learn this. If I get lucky enough that this podcast is successful, and as my business grows, I am going to be stepping every day in the reminder that I can't be authentic and accommodating at the same time. And I'm telling you, I'm just as ladylike as you.

Tracey: 11:26

I'm nervous. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I don't know what that's going to look like. But I know I have to keep reminding myself of this.

Tracey: 11:34

So let's consider this for a second. Who taught you that other people's comfort is your responsibility? Right? Who taught you that other people's comfort is your responsibility? And when did being kind start meaning be quiet?

Tracey: 11:57

So I want you to think back. How many times have you softened a boundary because you didn't wanna sound mean? How often have you rewritten a message not to make it clear or concise, but to make it sound safer? And I want you to think about what if clarity is kindness? What if saying what you mean the first time is actually the most respectful thing you can do?

Tracey: 12:24

And I'm not talking about the most respectful thing for them, the most respectful thing for you. We have been told that offense is failure. But sometimes being offensive is friction. And sometimes friction is the only way that truth finds its way into the light. So you can't build genuine connection on half truths and qualifiers.

Tracey: 12:51

And that is not harmony. That is a hostage negotiation. So I want you to imagine a world where women spoke like they trusted themselves. That when you spoke, it was your truth, no matter what the person across from yours truth, experience, expectations are. Want you to imagine a world where we didn't apologize for tone.

Tracey: 13:19

We trusted the intention behind it. I want you to imagine a world where no does not require a paragraph of proof of why you can say no. You get to say no, period, end of sentence. No one else has required an explanation. And I want you to imagine if we let a little silence hang after some honesty, we didn't try to hurry up and fill it with explanations, and then we were willing to let people deal with their own discomfort.

Tracey: 13:59

Because their reaction, once again, is not your responsibility. The only thing that you're responsible for is regulating your truth, your nervous system, your boundaries. Because this is not about you being rude or reckless. It's about you becoming rooted in your truth, your timing, and your tone, even if it rattles someone else's expectations. So you are not responsible for managing everyone's emotional weather.

Tracey: 14:40

The only thing you're responsible for is keeping your own nervous system out of that storm. So maybe the next time you feel that urge to overexplain, you take a breath. Maybe hit send a little sooner. And trust that the right people won't need a translator. And we'll be talking about this later.

Tracey: 15:03

But we got a lot of work sometimes to do in our relationships as women. We give a lot of room, a lot of space for people that are not the right people. We let a lot of people have access to our table when they should not be having a seat at our table, but we'll be getting to that. So this week, I want you to catch yourself in the moment between impulse and explanation. So that split second before you start softening your no or adding three sentences to justify your boundary.

Tracey: 15:36

I want you to notice what your body does there. I want you to notice that tension in your chest, maybe the breath that you're holding, and that urge to make everyone comfortable except you. Take that pause because that's the moment you get to choose differently. So you are a loud. If you need permission today, let's let it be this.

Tracey: 16:02

You can take a breath and say less. You've got permission. You get permission to let your words stand on their own. Because you can trust that being clear, having clarity, it's not cruel. It's honest.

Tracey: 16:25

And if you spend a lifetime editing yourself, this is going to feel so wrong at first. You are going to feel like you are not ladylike at all. You're just a mean, mean woman. You're going to feel exposed. But I want you to know that this is not being mean.

Tracey: 16:45

What this is doing is actually digging up muscle memory, and you are unlearning servitude. And every time you let silence do the heavy lifting, you are going to build a little more safety inside your own body because the opposite of overexplaining is not rudeness. It's regulation. So let's wrap this up. You don't owe essays to earn empathy.

Tracey: 17:20

You don't need disclaimers to deserve understanding, and you are allowed to speak plainly and trust that truth can land without your supervision. So this week, let's try this. Let's say the thing. Say it once. Let it stand.

Tracey: 17:38

And don't rush to fill the silence. Don't fix the other person's reaction. Let your boundaries breathe and let your nervous system rest and let your words be enough. Because every time you start or that you stop overexplaining, you stop outsourcing your worth. You stop proving and you just simply exist.

Tracey: 18:06

And guess what, my friend? You have the right to just simply exist. You don't have to prove anything. And maybe that's what being unladylike really is, letting your truth take up space without apology. Because I want you to remember this, shrinking is not safety.

Tracey: 18:32

Being clear is not being cruel. And saying less is not indifference, it's integrity. And that's the most unladylike thing of all. Thanks for joining me today for that's not very ladylike. If today's episode lit a fire, pushed your buttons, or called a little BS on the stories we've been sold, share it with another woman who's tired of being told to tone it down, smile more, or play nice.

Tracey: 19:07

And help a girl out by making sure you subscribe, leave a quick review, and catch me on Instagram at that hormone girl. And until next time, keep getting loud, messy, and raising hell because being ladylike is overrated.