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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder.
Speaker 2:If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening
Speaker 1:to the podcast. Thank you. Back in December, I wrote this. This week has been intense, though I don't know a week that isn't. There are all the normal life things, work, parenting, what on earth to do with relationships.
Speaker 1:And there's grieving, always grieving, so much to grieve, memory time grief, now time grief. For me, right now, it is a tangled mess of grief, and everything seems to lead to something else, and my heart just feels broken most of the time. I think that getting the new website edited and up and working helped me with functioning. It gave me a puzzle to play with instead of drowning in grief. Preparing for the retreat gave me connection when reaching out was hard.
Speaker 1:Delightful moments with the children gave me a way to smile, enough to come up for air. Last Tuesday, we had to drive my son to the school at six in the evening for him to run-in for dress rehearsal, for the choir concert. Parents and families weren't supposed to go in until seven, so we just waited in the parking lot in the van. The girls were bundled up and had new books because they blinked their eyes and somehow got their presents early. And, also, I brought a book for me, except I wasn't reading.
Speaker 1:I was sitting there, trying to breathe, fighting off a panic attack with tears streaming down my face, even though I wasn't even crying. Except I was because tears. I know all the things, square breathing, finger breathing, vagal hold, music in the Bluetooth to my brain, all the things. My hands were still trembling when it was time to go in, and getting through the concert was a blur. There was a person somehow there, a shirt, apart, one of us somehow, to smile with the girls and wave at my son and cheer him on and take all the pictures.
Speaker 1:I don't remember how we navigated the crowds before or after. And somehow, we got home and celebrated him with chocolate cake and sang songs and got everyone tucked into bed. But by the time I made it back to my own room, I was shaking and sobbing again. It was hard to go to bed, hard to sleep, and hard to get up in the morning. Except getting the children off to school is something that is high priority for us, which helps it happen.
Speaker 1:It gets high priority because it's good for them and it's good for us. They get breakfast and lunch for free, plus school and social time, and we get about five hours without parenting. When they were all in the same school, it was eight or nine hours, no parenting. But now, they're all in different schools, and they leave and come home at different times. So we only have about 9AM to 2PM without any children.
Speaker 1:That's our go time, and we have to get everything done possible that we can squeeze into those hours anything that has to be done without interruption because focus and any live sessions with clients because privacy. And then we work again at night after they've gone to bed. It was also the only time we can truly fall apart, which obviously interferes with functioning. This is why we're still in therapy. Lucky for us, that day was therapy day, and making it those few hours to our appointment felt like torture.
Speaker 1:It was also slippery, like time jumping, and so that's scary because it feels like we might miss it. Except we didn't miss it because something happened. Someone had asked a question about workbooks and we had responded, and then there was some discussion with someone who had not read our workbook or knew about it, not knowing what it was and assuming all workbooks were bad. And for the first time, I stood up for myself and held my own and defended my workbook and why it's different. I was really proud of this, but it was hard and terrifying.
Speaker 1:I also don't know how it happened. I have thought about it since, trying to figure it out. Who was that? Or was that a blending? Regardless, the speaking up for myself directly connected with the memory time trigger or activation that was going on, and so it gave me ovaries for therapy too because I needed to go to therapy that day.
Speaker 1:I, without escaping into shirts, needed to do therapy myself. I don't have good words to explain this. My understanding of DID right now is that all of us are people, parts, shirts, altars, and that it is not me who has people, parts, shirts, or altars. I am one of them, a part, a people, a shirt, an altar, just like they are, allegedly. That's weird, and it's hard to explain.
Speaker 1:Except also, I am something new, but not new, and not yet, except all of me included, except not exactly. I don't think there are words for me yet. I just knew what we needed to do, which was to be present in therapy. I needed to dip my toes into memory time while staying in now time. I needed to say what there was to say without getting lost in what I experience when it comes back to me.
Speaker 1:I needed to explain the outline of a specific story, which required also finally talking to my therapist directly about what life was like when I was little without becoming little. Not that being little is bad. It just wasn't what I needed that day. I needed to do all of that gently without pushing myself too much, too far, too fast, even though also it was pushing myself. I needed to do that because I was ready and wanted to and choosing to because I felt safe to, not because of my therapist's expectations or request and not because of pressure on myself to perform therapy.
Speaker 1:I needed to do it because it was time. It was specifically a day when the time leading up to therapy and the recovery time and space after therapy all aligned to even be able to do it. And it was absolutely terrifying, but also amazing. I'm not sharing the details of the story itself here right now because it was my stuff, and I haven't talked about it on the podcast yet because I'm still trying to find words and decide which bits to share because it was so specific. But the process of what happened was a first for me and so powerful, and I can't even explain how proud I am of myself for that session.
Speaker 1:Like, seriously, I blew myself away. I did therapy. And in slow motion, at the very end, when I was trying to get the hardest bit out before we ran out of time, so that meant some pushing. And the words tumbled out, even if simply, and even if not processing yet, just getting it out loud. There was this moment, this moment when it was done and on the metaphorical table between me and my therapist, and it felt like stepping back, like leaning back, even relaxing into my own body, like suddenly aware of inside and outside at the same time in a way I haven't been since my first therapist, like, for years now.
Speaker 1:Right? And you know what I felt? It was like they, the others inside, some of them, were there in awe of me, the same way I was in awe of myself, like they were there in a circle around me watching, cheering me on, smiling, like I don't even know how to describe what happened. And it wasn't something my therapist did to me. It wasn't something Nathan suggested.
Speaker 1:It was something I did for myself, and it was amazing. This story happened the week of the beginning of my trauma anniversary season. It was powerful in therapy, but one of the hardest sessions I've ever done thus far. And when it was done, I didn't record about it right away or share about it right away because it was so powerful, and I needed to keep it to myself that I walked through the timeline of a specific trauma story and introduce the characters, not of myself, but of my family to my therapist, trying to explain context enough to open up space in which I can hold myself when I try to tell my stories, when I finally start talking to her, except that was talking to her. Then when I was ready to share or connect or try to explain what happened, that's when Jules' dog died.
Speaker 1:That same week, my trauma anniversaries became her trauma anniversary, and it was heartbreaking. And both of us were grieving separately and together and separately. And then she got COVID. And because my daughter, she couldn't come around for two weeks after testing negative again. And then her family was in town for the holidays.
Speaker 1:And then the boys were here, and I was finishing the book. And then the children had snow days. And then it was time for the retreat. And it was in that context, both of us deeply wounded, but not by each other, that the retreat happened with us disconnected and hurting while also asking ourselves to be present and vulnerable with others. It was rough, the experience, even if it was also beautiful, it was so hard.
Speaker 1:And setting boundaries to be healthy and not rescue each other, we had to be so intentional and strong to let what we call fireballs stay where they are. Your fireball is your fireball, and I can't rescue you from it. And when you pass it to me, I have to pass it back. When I pass it to her, she has to pass it back. And it's hard.
Speaker 1:It makes people around us uncomfortable because we're not smooth at it yet and it's awkward, except that it's healthy. We can, of course, as we get better at those boundaries, as I continue learning to not be codependent, it smooths out that process of tending to myself and others, which is not the same as neglecting myself and rescuing others. All of this comes in the context of the year of religious trauma after the year of seasons and sexuality. And so it was brutal timing, all of it, with trauma anniversaries and the retreat happening the weekend of the deaths of my parents, thinking it would be good to have connection instead of being alone, but not yet having capacity to express that directly, and not yet knowing that I would learn from them. I need to care for myself differently.
Speaker 1:And you know what I know about what triggers fight or flight? It's always fear or love. And at the retreat, we experienced both. Being vulnerable is scary. Feeling activated is frightening.
Speaker 1:Being loved and cared for intended to as overwhelming because we all felt afraid, and we all felt love. The repair that has come in the weeks following has been powerful beyond what I have words. I don't mean that friendships are easy. I don't mean that connection is smooth. I mean that having a safe space in which to try, both socially and in therapy, is something unlike anything else.
Speaker 1:And beautiful things are coming from it out of these months of pain and struggle. We have a new book about psychodynamic therapy and trauma. The problems of complex trauma therapy, it's called. The link is on the website, but hopefully, it will help people understand therapy better and help clinicians do therapy better. And we've gotten the first two steps done in becoming a five zero one c three because you all have somehow convinced me that the podcast counts as a body of work and is valid and safe and good and has something to offer the world, and that the community and peer support we have developed so carefully together is something good and powerful and has something to offer the world, And that getting it established enables us to be dedicated to it full time.
Speaker 1:There's so much more we wanna do in the community, But so many of us as survivors are struggling to even feed ourselves, much less pay for services. So adding something on top of that, like peer support groups. So many of us don't even have the resources for that and we have tried for so long to get sponsorships and donations so that anyone who wants one can have a workbook, so that anyone who wants to can come to the community. And, also, if we could get it supported differently so that everyone can just be there, so that I could be there without also losing time to life sessions or other work projects that take me away from where my heart is. That's a powerful gift, not just to me, but to the world, to all of us together.
Speaker 1:It has given me hope. Hope that we can make it sustainable. Hope that we can find a way to make it work well for more people and offer more ideas that people have asked for, that we have tried to offer to help me be more present. Because what I learned from the retreat is that you don't leave the party, not when you invited people to come. So I need to be there, and I need to feed the children.
Speaker 1:So we're working on that. And I hope that if you're out there and need the community, even if you can't pay the fees to be in group, We can get those sponsored, and we can help. It's not meant to be exclusionary. It's meant to be safe. We don't need trolls, and we don't need bots, but people are welcome.
Speaker 1:And we've learned that we can only heal together in connection with each other safely. But the hardest part of that is believing that maybe the podcast meant something, not just in history, not just recording the voices and stories of the pioneers in our field, but also even my own voice, my own vulnerability, my own trying to document the process, both for myself and for better therapy. Untangling my truths, discovering them, honoring them, using my voice like I never had before, not when I was silenced or spoken metaphor or paintings or try to express myself through music. My words, my experience, my truth, my voice. So in the beginning, the podcast needed to be something because there wasn't anything else.
Speaker 1:And in the beginning, I needed to practice listening and speaking. And in the beginning, I didn't know where this was going or that anyone would listen or that it would become a thing. But always all along, it has been sharing what I'm learning, sharing what I'm experiencing, trying to bridge the gap between clinician and people, trying to connect with others who maybe can only hear this so that they know they're not alone. We see this more even now. As in the community, we open up new forums for different countries.
Speaker 1:We have a forum for Poland, a forum for French speaking countries, a forum for Spanish speaking countries, a forum for The Netherlands, a forum for Canada. We could do any forum we want if you need a safe place to gather. We're here. Just a voice in the dark. Not anyone special.
Speaker 1:I don't mean that disparaging. I mean, I mean, I'm just human. What we share on the podcast isn't just a parade of shirts or people or altars. They're not fancy videos with fancy edits. They're not trendy or cool.
Speaker 1:Almost always, I'm offending someone somewhere. It's messy just being yourself. But for me, that's enough. That's all I'm needing is simply to use my own voice. So, yeah, there are times people know better than me, and I learn wisdom by experience as I go.
Speaker 1:And, also, I study and learn and validly know a lot and maybe have something to contribute. And, also, deaf culture isn't great with tact. And, also, there's a lot of developmental and social skills I'm still catching up on. But what I want more than anything is to use my own voice and to connect with you. So those times that I have messed up feel hard, and it hits my core trauma because I am the danger.
Speaker 1:That's not true. But it's the social contract That it's all my fault. That's the contract in my family. So when something goes wrong, I've already been warned. I'm entirely responsible, and there's no repair.
Speaker 1:That's my experience in the past, and it's devastating every time. And I think this time with the retreat, it felt so big not because my feelings were being ignored. It felt so big because it was devastating personally and professionally, and I wasn't sure what was left. And I care so much and don't wanna cause harm. And when it felt like I was the problem and it felt that deep and pervasive that there was nothing left good in me, I could not even jump to cognitive because that part of me was responsible for the retreat and had failed.
Speaker 1:It felt like there was nothing left of me and that the only good I had to offer the world had been ruined, destroyed, burned to the ground. And that was in the context of how I had been vulnerable with the group. That's what came up for me already, those memories, and what I was wrestling with in therapy. And when memory time and now time clashed into one great fire, it set off a spark that I had caused. And that was the end of me, or so I thought or so I feared.
Speaker 1:And that's why I checked in again at the hospital. I didn't try to do anything. I didn't want to do anything, but that was the point. Right? That's why we have safety plans.
Speaker 1:When you get to this place, it's too big to do by yourself safely. And so I did what I was supposed to do, and it was a hard and unpleasant week. But with that and staying connected to my therapist instead of giving up, and the group from the retreat, repairing with each other and even holding space for me, that created a new spark, something else, where it is not someone holding my hands forcing me to light a match, to set off destruction like so many of us who were abused in ways that included abusing others. And we don't have to talk about that today. I don't wanna talk about that ever.
Speaker 1:That it's the first time I was able to hold space inside of myself For the fact that them making me do something is not the same as me doing something, And them not offering care is not the same as me having the resources and safety and nurture that I needed to do life well. So, yeah, there's lots of times I mess up, and this one was a big one. And I feel really bad about it. And, also, I did the things I could to repair. I went back to the house as soon as I knew something was wrong.
Speaker 1:I sat there and listened to their thoughts and feelings, and they were brave enough to share them. I felt my own feelings after I cried all night, and I grieved, and I felt all the things. We got through the next day of saying goodbye, and I went and checked in and followed my safety plan. I stayed in touch with too many emails to my therapist that probably were still not enough, And I didn't run away from my friends. We kept talking.
Speaker 1:We kept repairing. And in the weeks and weeks since, it has grown into something beautiful, even if still vulnerable. That's different than the very first groups I was in when I tried to use my voice and was shut down. And I thought, we need safer spaces than this. And that's the whole reason I started the community.
Speaker 1:Because experiences like healing together are so powerful and so needed and yet not enough. How do we stay connected in the year between? How do we find something that is more than safe places, safe enough spaces? I was in a meeting with people in New York, and they were talking about brave spaces. That safe places are catered to specific issues or specific people, and not everyone fits that.
Speaker 1:So any safe space is still only safe for some. But if we together create brave spaces where we are being brave enough to show up, brave enough to stay, and brave enough to be compassionate for other people, and brave enough to learn and experience and grow from and through differences, there's healing in that, and there's something that matters about that, externally with other people and internally with ourselves. This is maybe the first time where I've made a mistake. And instead of only going full Dante and being really good at punishing myself? I said, you know what?
Speaker 1:Good job, Dante. Good job pointing out a mistake because we don't want to harm people, and that's an appropriate thing to be concerned about. And, also, what these people need is care, and what I need is care. So if that was my first time to not Dante Dante, to not be the perpetrator against myself. And that is a whole different kind of choosing to alive myself, of choosing to awaken to connection, of choosing to commit to relationships instead of avoiding them.
Speaker 1:And it means I want things to be different in our community as it grows. I want it to be a brave space. I want my community, my internal world inside myself, all of me that I have been trying to include. I want those to be brave spaces inside. I want therapy to be a brave space.
Speaker 1:I want to create brave spaces in my relationships. I want my voice on the podcast to be a brave space even when I get it wrong. The community is where I want to be. The community is what I want to do. The community is what I have to offer.
Speaker 1:The podcast being part of that. If you are listening to this, you are already part of the community. The community of those of us wrestling with these issues, learning how to be human. It's not even about dissociation. The only thing we're dissociating from is that we matter, that we exist, that we have a right to change our social contracts, that we can write new social contracts, that just like we can have chosen family, we can have chosen contracts.
Speaker 1:So maybe in some kind of fated way, whatever your spirituality is, whatever your philosophy is, maybe in some way, I am by default someone who has to set off sparks. But you know what? My sparks are gonna mean something. Maybe it's just a onetime thing in memory time that as it has tried to surface, it has reenacted in metaphorical ways in now time? Or maybe this is vision.
Speaker 1:Maybe this is a spark of something good. Maybe maybe when we strike that match, it's just to be light in the dark so we're not alone? What if it grows something? What if instead of destroying everything, my voice could just grow something? I don't wanna die.
Speaker 1:I just sometimes get tired of fighting so hard to be alive. And I know I'm not alone in that. And that's why we have hard conversations, and that's why we bring things full circle, and that's why we repair, and that's why we move forward. That's why we find words. That's why we feel the feelings and say them out loud.
Speaker 1:My voice matters. Your voice matters. And in the brave space we have created together, That's created something in which the world may not always be safe and sometimes is safe enough, but we are brave enough. So plural, Swifties, this is a new era. We're starting brave enough time.
Speaker 1:The era when we stay, the era when we're brave enough, and the era when we use our own voice to create our own sparks. For light and protection and warmth and nourishment. That's what happens when we are brave enough with our own voice. Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this.
Speaker 1:Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeakcommunity.com. We'll see you there.