Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques

Why being true to yourself enables you to show up better for others.

From the way you communicate, to the way you build your life and career, Graham Weaver, MBA ’99, says it’s about “giving yourself permission to fully be yourself. You can never go wrong when you’re saying your truth.”

Weaver is a lecturer in management, a GSB alum, and the founder and a partner of Alpine Investors. He stresses the importance of direct communication, highlighting how avoiding it can lead to wasted time, energy, and even financial losses. Reflecting on his own experiences in private equity, Weaver admits to struggling with being conflict-averse and not speaking his truth directly, which resulted in getting into bad deals and big losses for his company. “People think that by being indirect, they’re being kind, but all they're doing is creating confusion,” he says. “Clarity is compassionate. Even if it's not what they want to hear, the more direct and clear you can be, the more compassionate that is for the other person.”

In this Rethinks episode of Think Fast, Talk Smart, Weaver and host Matt Abrahams explore how being true to oneself not only fosters personal fulfillment but also enables us to show up better for others. Authenticity and self-belief lay the foundation for effective communication, leadership, and ultimately, success.

Episode Reference Links:
Connect:

Chapters:

  • (00:00) - Introduction
  • (04:14) - Direct Communication & Limiting Beliefs
  • (07:24) - The Internal Game
  • (08:29) - An Asymmetrical Life
  • (13:41) - Taylor Swift & Grit
  • (16:35) - Pursuing Enlightenment
  • (22:44) - The Final Three Questions
  • (29:41) - Conclusion

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Creators and Guests

Host
Matt Abrahams
Lecturer Stanford University Graduate School of Business | Think Fast Talk Smart podcast host
Guest
Graham Weaver
Partner, Alpine Investors

What is Think Fast Talk Smart: Communication Techniques?

One of the most essential ingredients to success in business and life is effective communication.

Join Matt Abrahams, best-selling author and Strategic Communication lecturer at Stanford Graduate School of Business, as he interviews experts to provide actionable insights that help you communicate with clarity, confidence, and impact. From handling impromptu questions to crafting compelling messages, Matt explores practical strategies for real-world communication challenges.

Whether you’re navigating a high-stakes presentation, perfecting your email tone, or speaking off the cuff, Think Fast, Talk Smart equips you with the tools, techniques, and best practices to express yourself effectively in any situation. Enhance your communication skills to elevate your career and build stronger professional relationships.

Tune in every Tuesday for new episodes. Subscribe now to unlock your potential as a thoughtful, impactful communicator. Learn more and sign up for our eNewsletter at fastersmarter.io.

Matt Abrahams: Authenticity is
a key ingredient in successful

communication, but what is
authenticity and how do we find it?

My name is Matt Abrahams and I
teach strategic communication at

Stanford Graduate School of Business.

Welcome to this Rethinks episode of
Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast.

We're opening up our vault and resharing
a really insightful conversation I had

with fellow GSB lecturer Graham Weaver.

Graham suggests that effective
leadership and communication

excellence are impossible without
first mastering self-awareness

in overcoming personal barriers.

Take a listen to more of his ideas
in this enlightening discussion.

Today I look forward to
speaking with Graham Weaver.

Graham is a lecturer in management
at the GSB as well as a GSB alum.

He teaches managing growing
enterprises and managerial skills.

Graham is a very popular teacher and has
been invited multiple times to present

in the graduation last lecture series.

Graham, thanks for being here.

Graham Weaver: Thanks so
much for having me, Matt.

Matt Abrahams: I look
forward to the conversation.

Are you ready to get started?

Graham Weaver: Let's do this.

Matt Abrahams: Alright.

You teach managing growing enterprises,
what are two takeaways from your class

that would help our listeners and their
companies as they seek to grow and scale?

Graham Weaver: So number one would be
the power of really direct communication.

So this sounds so cliché that I even hate
to say it, but people just waste time

and energy and money by being indirect.

They think that by, uh, being
indirect they're being kind, but all

they're doing is creating confusion.

So, I'll give you an example for
us at Alpine, you know, I had

I really struggled with this.

I'm very conflict averse.

I don't like, you know, saying
something that's gonna upset someone.

So for a lot of times I would dance
around things and, and it led us

to do some bad deals because I just
was kinda like, what do you think?

Are you sure you think
this is a good deal?

You know, kinda like that, when what I
was really saying is, I hate this deal.

I just couldn't be that direct and
literally, I am that direct now.

And that cost us, you know, millions
of dollars in the early years where I

just wasn't comfortable saying my truth.

And so in this class, we just do this
over and over again, where we get students

in the habit of saying your truth.

You can never go wrong when
you're saying what is true.

And then we talk about how to do
that in a way where people can

feel safe and, and valued, but you
still got to lead with that truth.

So that's probably the biggest.

The second one is gonna
be completely different.

And so what, what I started teaching this
class for a number of years, I would teach

this class on entrepreneurship, and then I
realized that people would learn all these

tools about entrepreneurship, but no one
would actually go become an entrepreneur,

even though that's their vision.

That's what they wrote on their
essay, that's what they wanted to do.

So I realized there's another part
of this class, which is, hey, what

is gonna stand in the way of you
actually going and pursuing your dream?

And so I added this entire component
to the class, which is two things.

First is, let's spend time and energy
with students on really getting them

to understand what their dream is.

What would they do if they
knew they wouldn't fail?

What are, what are their superpowers?

What is the thing that is easy for
them that's hard for other people.

Or that feels like play for them,
that's work for others or you

know, like we spend a lot of time
helping them really understand it.

And a lot of times it's, it's not
the, it's not the standard, you

know, thing that is pitched here.

Like the, it's not the consulting job.

It's something very, very different.

So getting 'em really clear on that,
and then this is really critical

is, is they get flooded then
with all these limiting beliefs.

Not me, not now, I don't have
enough experience, I might

fail, how do I raise money?

How do I pay off my loans?

I can't do this.

My roommate's brother
tried this and failed.

All these things flood
in almost immediately.

And we actually take, we
have a whole class where we

take those limiting beliefs.

We put 'em down, we look at
them in the cold light of day,

and we start dealing with them.

Because if you, we gotta name 'em because
limiting beliefs is really fear and

it, it has more power when it's just in
the recesses of your subconscious mind.

So we get it down, we look at
it and we try to overcome it.

So those are two things that, very
different, direct communication and

then, you know, figuring out your
limiting beliefs and overcoming

those that, that might help people.

Matt Abrahams: I find it really
interesting that in a class about

enterprises, what you're really
talking about are interpersonal

skills and intrapersonal information.

I think that for everybody to think
for a moment, what would you do

if failure wasn't limiting you?

I think that's a wonderful way to get
people to reframe what they're doing.

And I love that you are taking time
to have people call up those limiting

beliefs because you can't address
things you're not consciously aware of.

Graham Weaver: So I'm, I'm 51 now and
I've been in private equity 29 years.

I've gone, you know, I went
to Stanford at, I teach here.

And the longer that life goes on for
me, the more I realize that most of

this game we're playing is really an
internal game, first and foremost.

And it presents itself as this
external game where, you know, we

have to do all these things and pay
off debt and all this, but it really

starts with being an internal game.

And, and the more you can master
that first, you know, the, the more

your success you're gonna have.

And almost no matter what you do
externally, at some point you're gonna

have to master that internal game.

Matt Abrahams: Absolutely.

And I think I, I see
that in the work I do.

You know, we, a lot of what we do is focus
on how you message things externally,

but it really starts with what's going
on in your own head, in your own mind.

You recently delivered a GSB Last
Lecture on living an asymmetrical

life, and congrats, by the way.

It's quite an honor to
speak at a Last Lecture.

What do you mean by an asymmetrical
life and how can we achieve that?

Graham Weaver: Well, I use the analogy of
investing after being a, a professional

investor for 29 years, you end up
with these wildly asymmetric outcomes.

So you, you don't end up with like a whole
bunch of, you know, two or three X deals.

You end up with some okay ones and
then some just gargantuan home runs.

If you look at Warren Buffet for
example, I think through 1988, he had

half of his public market gains that,
in his whole history, were from two

stocks, GEICO and Washington Post.

So you end up with these wildly asymmetric
outcomes, which you can explain when you

say, okay, you got this criteria right.

You had the right market, the right
management team, a big enough TAM,

high returns on invested capital.

You figured out a way to buy companies.

You have a playbook, you know, and
each time you stack another one of

those, you're, you're creating like
logarithmic type outcomes, not linear.

And the more you stack on, the
more logarithmic it becomes.

So then I started looking at my own
life and, and kind of looking at

it through that lens of what could
create asymmetric outcomes in life.

And I came up with four things.

So the first one is do hard things.

And that, that, the reason that's
on there is that the thing that is

keeping you where you are, from your
next plateau, is something that you

either don't wanna do or you fear.

So that's why you're stuck
where you are right now.

It's one of those two things.

Maybe both.

Probably both.

And if you go after that thing,
generally speaking, your life

is gonna get worse first.

So if your thing, for example,
is that you need to end a

relationship that's not going well.

You know, if you just woke
up tomorrow and stayed in the

relationship everything's fine.

But if, but five years from
now, it's gonna be worse.

But if you wake up tomorrow
instead and do the hard thing, have

the hard conversation, have the
breakup, you're gonna be lonely.

You're gonna have to, you know, have
that difficulty, but then you're gonna

emerge and get to that next plateau.

So that applies to everything.

And I had this quote that I, I like to
say, which is, everything you want in this

life is on the other side of worse first.

And the second one is, so,
number one is do hard things.

Number two is do your thing.

And so you're not gonna be amazing at this
life, trying to live someone else's life.

And when you find that thing that
you are really excited about,

you just show up differently.

I worked at a, at a job, you know, I took
the safe job when I graduated from school.

I just felt a part of me die.

And if you'd asked me at the
time when I was in that job, what

percent of your potential are
you unleashing right now, Graham?

I probably would've
said like, oh, 60, 70%.

Now that I'm actually doing the
thing I wanna be doing, I look back

and I'd say, no, it's more like 4%.

And so when you're doing something
you're excited about, that's your thing.

You're just gonna show up differently.

And importantly, you're gonna stay
with it for a lot longer, which

is really the key, which is point
three, which is do it for decades.

Do your thing for a long time, like
the, you're, if you are getting a

little, even a little bit better,
we have CEOs who have been running

their company for 15 years and they're
better in year 15 than they were in

14, better in 14 than they were in 13.

And, you know, 15 years in when you're
improving, you could be the best in

the world at something, but you have,
but it goes doing hard things, doing

your thing, and then you will be more
likely to do it for, for decades.

And the fourth one, which kind of sits on
top of everything, is write your story.

So, what most people do, if you ask them
to write, uh, a book about their life,

they would look back and they would kind
of start talking about these events,

almost like the, the events happened
to them, and then this happened, and

then this happened and this happened.

We have managers, by the way, who do this.

Oh yeah.

How'd your quarter go?

Well, this happened and then
this happened and this happened.

It's like, well, what if you
just did it the other way around?

What if you write the story first
that you want to have happen?

Why don't you just do that?

Like, just starting today from wherever
you are, write your story about what

you want the story to be for the
next 5, 10, 15, 20, or your life.

You know, write that story and
then make that story happen.

And the magical thing happens is the
more clear you can get on that story,

the more likely it's gonna be to happen.

So those are the four things that
I, I feel like if you stack those

on top of each other, you can
have, you know, basically anything

that you want in this life.

Matt Abrahams: I love that it's a
playbook, and I love that it's all about

initiative and willing to go through
the hard stuff to get to the good stuff.

And plotting a course in advance of
actually doing it to sort of focus

you, but also set expectations.

And in what you said, I heard
a lot of just get to it.

Don't, don't waste time.

And, and I love this idea of an
asymmetrical life, and I hope everybody

listening thinks about those four steps
and considers, you know, addressing them.

Maybe not in that order.

Maybe, maybe not right away, but
put yourself on a path to do that.

Graham Weaver: Any one of those steps
will improve your life dramatically.

Any of those four.

If you just do hard things, if you
just do your thing, if you just write

your story, any one of those will make
a dramatic difference in your life.

But if you run the table on all
four, that's what I'm saying, you can

unlock just about anything you want.

Matt Abrahams: I, I love your passion.

I love your ideas, and, and
I see that in your blogs.

I enjoy reading your blogs.

It's a lot of fun.

You're a very engaging writer, and
I, I learn a lot from them, as I'm

learning from our conversation.

I have to say, I was struck by one
of your blogs that was all about you

attending a Taylor Swift concert,
and I'm really curious to have you

share with our audience the lessons
you learned while you were grooving

and shaking it off with Taylor Swift.

Graham Weaver: That's my
favorite song actually.

Shake It Off by, by Taylor Swift.

So in 2018, Taylor Swift
was snubbed for the Grammys.

You know, she wasn't nominated and there's
this, this video of her where she is

on the phone with her agent and she is
just crest falling and like you can just

watch all the energy drain from her face.

And then right after that she goes
through this really tough public,

uh, disaster with Kanye West and Kim
Kardashian about, you know, can she

use lyrics or can they use her lyrics
on the song and did she approve it?

And, and they're, and the, the number
one trending hashtag on Twitter,

number one, was Taylor Swift is over.

Can you imagine being her at that point?

You're, you're like in your twenties
and the number one trending hashtag

in the world is your demise.

That's how much people
are, have this venom.

And so what does she do?

Okay.

She, you know, what would most people do?

They'd probably go, you know, they'd
probably have this thing, I'm a victim.

I have, you know, I'm gonna
blame, you know, Kanye West

and, you know, this, woe is me.

And, and she probably had moments
where she felt some of that.

I'm sure she did.

But instead she, she said, you know what?

I just need to make a better record.

That's what she said.

She says that on film.

I, I, I guess I need to
make a better record.

And so between 2018 and 2022,
um, she made, she put out more

songs than she ever did in her
whole life, on the back of that.

And I'm, I guarantee you, there were days
when she just had the covers over her.

Didn't wanna get outta bed, but she
put her helmet on, goes to work, and

just put one foot in front of the other
and did it again and again and again.

And then she won more awards for the
work she did in that time period than

any other time she's had in her life.

And I think, you know,
people don't see that.

They just see her in her concert and
it's a billion dollar concert, and here's

all these lights, and wow, what a great
dancer and she's got so much music.

But my all time favorite quote, I write
quotes on my board every day in class.

I'm a huge collector of quotes.

I post them almost every
day on social media.

My all time favorite quote, Michelangelo,
you know, uh, sculpted the David, paints

the Sistine Chapel and he says, if
people knew how hard I worked to gain my

mastery, it wouldn't seem so wonderful.

And I think people see Taylor
Swift's mastery, but they don't see

all the stuff that went into it.

So I just, anyway, I'm inspired
by everything she does, but I

just thought that one story of her
is really just a story of grit.

It's not about talent or her
music or anything, it's just about

like her just, and her resolve.

Anyway, she's one of my heroes.

Matt Abrahams: I think that notion, uh,
well, one, I think it's great that, that

you, you take a lesson beyond just the
fun and enjoyment of her music, but the,

the tenacity and the belief in yourself
and just hunkering down in doing it, I

think there's a lesson for all of us.

And the point about mastery
is really fascinating.

We've, we had a whole episode about
mastery and, and really what goes into

it, and, and it's a lot of work and it's
a lot of things that people don't see.

You write a lot about your desire
to continue growing and improving.

What's one thing that
you're working on right now?

Graham Weaver: So, yeah, great question.

So, uh, I had this really interesting
conversation with my a friend of mine a

couple years ago, and we were just kind
of having banter and, and she asked me,

she said, you know, if you, if you could
have one superpower, what would that be?

And so I was kinda like, oh, that'd
be kind of cool to read someone's

mind or, you know, whatever.

And I was playing, and then, and then
all of a sudden it got a little bit

deeper and I said, well, what is actually
a superpower I could really develop.

And what I came up with, the word I came
up with was, you know, enlightenment.

You know, what if, what if I were
just more enlightened, you know?

'Cause what I started to realize,
and, and I think this is true for

everybody is, you know, your whole
life is unfolding as, externally, and

there's events and there's situations.

And then that life goes through
a filter, which is your mind.

And then, and then what you're processing
is your interpretation of those events.

So this, this thing happened.

Is this good?

Is this bad?

Is this consistent with what
I thought was gonna happen?

Am I upset about this?

You know, do I feel good about this?

You know, what, what's the story I have
about how my life is supposed to go?

What's the story I have about
what's, you know, what's, what's

gonna make me happy or successful?

Or what's the story I have about
other people think about me?

And like, I just started to realize like
all of that story I'm creating myself.

And that filter is like pretty much
a hundred percent in my control.

And so, a lot more of my life
is in my control than I realize.

So I started going on this
journey, which has been amazing.

So I've been studying a lot of Buddhism.

I've been going on meditation retreats,
doing journaling and coaching.

I've been meditating a
lot more than I ever did.

And it's, it is, it is the best journey,
I think probably, maybe the most

important journey that anyone could go on.

So I'm, I'm not, I'm not there.

I'm not a enlightened individual.

I don't know if I ever will be, but I
definitely am at least getting closer than

maybe I was before I started this journey.

Matt Abrahams: I appreciate you sharing
that because that, that for many people,

that's a very personal quest and, and
the tools that you're using are tools

that, that I personally do a lot of
meditating and, and reflecting and,

and I find there is a lot of value.

And, and I think in a world that we live
in and a place that we live in, we can get

very distracted by lots of shiny objects
and ideas, and to really ground ourselves.

I like that.

Graham Weaver: You know, it's kind of
like, for me at least, it's kind of

like brushing your teeth, you know?

You can't just brush your teeth for
8 hours on January 1st and then say,

I'm good for the year, you know?

So it's like, it's like almost like
I start over every single morning and

have to kind of reprogram and, you
know, meditate, take a cold shower,

you know, write in the journal.

Do, do it again, but it, but it does,
it has made a, a huge difference.

Matt Abrahams: Before we end, Graham,
I'd like to ask you some questions.

The first question I'm gonna make up
specifically for you, and then the others

are, are common questions I ask everybody.

You up for that?

Graham Weaver: Let's do it.

Matt Abrahams: So, number
one, uh, you're a leader.

You teach new leaders and work with many.

What differentiates an exceptional
leader from just an average leader?

Graham Weaver: I would say
ultimately when you get past all

the tactical things, the very, very
exceptional leaders give themselves

permission to fully be themselves.

So I'll give you a very
simple example in my own life.

So I started, I was asked to teach at
Stanford Business School, and so my

first couple of years I went and watched
all the amazing professors here and

learned and wrote notes and everything.

And for the first few years
I really tried to mimic them.

And you know, Irv Grousbeck
was a mentor of mine.

And so I tried to do everything that he
did and I, I didn't do very well at all.

And at some point I had this conversation
with my executive coach who said, you

know, Graham, you are gonna be a C plus
version of Irv Grousbeck, but you can

be an A plus version of Graham Weaver.

And that's enough.

I think it was the, that's enough part
that I didn't believe, which is why

I was trying to mimic someone else.

And so I think, you know, if
you're in a leadership role,

you're there for a reason.

You know, you are an incredibly
special person and you're different

than anyone else, and those
differences are what make you amazing.

And giving yourself permission to fully
be yourself is going to be where you're

this incredible light and you're gonna
do something different than someone has,

you know, someone has never done before.

And so I think it is that permission
and it is realizing like that's enough.

Matt Abrahams: That's really powerful,
that we just need to be ourselves and

through being ourselves, we can succeed
in teaching and leadership and lots of

other areas, but we get in our own way.

Uh, question number two.

Who is a communicator
that you admire and why?

Graham Weaver: I'll go with um,
Irv Grousbeck who teaches here.

So Irv, I think he's been teaching
here for 35, 40 years and he was a very

successful businessman before that.

Probably best known for owning
the Celtics or being one of the

owners of the Boston Celtics.

Anyway, he was my professor here.

I was a case guest in his class
for 12 years, and he was also

the one who got me into teaching.

In terms of his communication, he just
models exactly what I would want to teach

others and what I wanna do for myself.

He's super direct, he's clear,
he's authentic, he's himself.

And, and then, and then like when you're
in his presence, you just feel like you're

the most important person in the world and
that you're the only person in the world.

For that period of time when you're with
him he just makes you feel that way.

And he's always been the voice of you
can, you can do this and I believe in

you, and that, that might sound cliché,
but when there's someone like that that

you admire in your early twenties and
trying to start a business and it's not

going that well, you know, having someone
like that just kind of keep you grounded

and reminding you that you got this, you
know, he's, he's just been unbelievable.

So he would be the person I'd pick.

Matt Abrahams: Yeah, so Irv has got quite
the reputation around here, and many

people say, and share exactly what you
did, is when you're speaking with him,

you are in that spotlight and feel that it
is just you and him in that conversation.

And, and that's a, that, that's a very
powerful thing to, to feel like you

have somebody's full attention and
that they're really there for you.

Final question.

What are the first three ingredients that
go into a successful communication recipe?

Graham Weaver: So the, the first one
would be understanding what is your truth?

What is, what is your, what is your truth?

What do you wanna say
about this situation?

And getting clear on that.

Giving yourself a little bit of
space where you're not reacting,

but you're, you're kind of realizing
what is your highest value and what

is the thing you wanna say, and
then speak that truth is number one.

Two would be create safety.

You know, people are gonna hear
that feedback when they're safe.

And you know, the, the opposite of
that would be they're not gonna hear

anything if they feel attacked or
they feel belittled or something.

So focus on, you know, Matt, the
reason I wanna address this with

you is I really care about our
relationship and I wanna see what's

coming for a long period of time.

You know, that, that's
what I mean by safety.

And then third is be clear
on what you're asking.

So like, we're having a
conversation, so what, you know?

What is the specific thing
that I am asking of you?

Or what are the next action items?

People forget that and they leave
thinking they had this whole conversation.

The other person's like, oh yeah, that was
lovely, but they missed the whole point.

So I think those are,
those would be the three.

And I, I think, I think
clarity is compassionate.

So the more clear, even if it's not what
they want to hear, the more direct and

clear you can be, the more compassionate
that is for the other person.

Matt Abrahams: I love that idea
of clarity leads to compassion.

It's, it's operationalized,
uh, compassion in some way.

Uh, as you have alluded to in
many of your responses, it's

really about introspection.

First, what's your truth?

What needs to be done?

And, and that is striking and I wanna
make sure everybody hears that, that you

are better with others when you are first
true to yourself and know what that is.

And then being clear and creating safe
space for you to have those conversations.

Graham, this has been fantastic.

I, I really appreciate the
opportunity to chat with you.

The idea that we have to look
within before we, we manage people

externally really makes sense.

I love your energy.

I love that you both meditate
and love Taylor Swift and

that you can learn from both.

So thank you for your time and
thank you for your insight.

Graham Weaver: Thanks for having me, Matt.

It was a lot of fun.

Matt Abrahams: Thank you for joining
us for a special Rethinks episode of

Think Fast Talk Smart, the podcast.

This episode was produced by Katherine
Reed, Ryan Campos, and me, Matt Abrahams.

Our music is from Floyd Wonder.

With special thanks to
Podium Podcast Company.

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