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What About Me (WAM) is a space for healing the inner child, finding your voice, and reclaiming your power. Join host Emma as she shares her journey of self-discovery and invites others to speak up, stand up, and heal from the inside out.
Thank you for joining me today.
This is gonna be very raw and unfiltered.
I had the strong impression
that I need to speak freely . I
need to speak from my heart
. I've had this burning desire to start
a podcast since my life imploded.
I had no idea when this was gonna
happen or what it was gonna look
like, and finally, three years
later, I am at the point where I
think that I am ready to do this.
And I'm not gonna lie, I am freaked out.
I am stressed out.
I am nervous.
I am so concerned about,
what am I gonna say?
What am I gonna tell you
that's gonna make a difference?
How am I gonna impact your life
when the name of my podcast is?
What About Me?
I, is this all about me?
Do you even give a damn about me?
Do you know who I am?
How many people even care?
Life is hard, life is stressful,
and we all have our own journey,
our own path that we must take.
And today, this is my path
and this is my journey.
The first time the thought of starting
a podcast popped in my head was when I
realized how immensely stuck I was in
my hurt, in my pain, in the trauma that
had disrupted, that had derail, that
had totally sink the ship of my life.
I had no idea where I was going
or how I was gonna make it.
I had three people in my life that meant
the world to me, my husband, my son, my
mom, and in the matter of six months,
. The unthinkable happened.
I thought I had a marriage.
I had a son that I had
a relationship with.
I had a mom that I had a relationship
with, one day and none of that existed.
I was alone.
Please understand me.
When I say alone, I'm not talking
about having a few friends here
where I can call and vent to.
I'm not talking about coworkers that I
have this immensely close relationship
with that we go hang out after work.
I am not talking about family members
that I can call and share the pain and
the struggle that I'm dealing with.
I am talking about being completely alone.
There was no one to turn to.
There was no one that I felt safe with.
That was my story three years ago,
and I hoped, and I prayed that
this was some ridiculous mistake.
This was some fluke, that in a few weeks
this would resolve itself and things
would be back to where it was before.
Where I had these three people in my life,
but when I set that boundary with my
husband that said, you have gone too far.
You have disrespected
me one too many times.
I am onto your game of gaslighting.
I am onto your game of all the
emotional and psychological abuse
that you have put me through.
, I am seeing your intermittent.
Treatment of me where we can go from being
so insanely, ridiculously happy and being
as giddy and silly as any happy couple,
and we can go from that to you using.
A family member and I as scapegoat,
where you continue to set us up
against each other and build in this
massive gateway of animosity and
pain and what was loved between us.
You turn that into hate and
you use it as fuel to destroy.
Me and any relationship that
I could have with this person.
And then you turn that around and
accuse me of hating someone that
you have been using as a weapon
to destroy me and deescalate me.
Yes.
I had enough.
You knew who I was.
You have come to learn my heart more
than any human being on this hurt.
And you took that and you used
it as a weapon against me.
But you know what?
The hardest part for me was when the
days, the hours turned into weeks
and months, and instead of me making
any traction, instead of me getting
better, instead of me getting over
this, it was only getting worse.
And my desire for not wanting to
be here only got worse and worse.
And when I see the only child that
I have in this world, this child who
knew that he was conceived based on
one decision and one decision only,
that his mom had this intense intuition
that she was gonna grow old alone.
And so I gained.
All the things that she
should not have done.
She made the decision to have a child
out of wedlock because she hoped and
prayed that a child would always be
there, would always be in her life,
that her child would never in a
million years turn his back on her.
Yes.
I thought that was a fluke.
I thought that this was a momentarily
lapse in my son's feeling.
I thought that he was upset he was
hurt, and that he would've gotten
over it in a few hours, in a few days.
I thought that with all my apology and my
amends that I made to him, that he would.
Most importantly, remember the lifetime
that he spent with his mother, with
just the two of us, and it's been
three years and my son is determined
that he wants nothing to do with me.
And I have to learn to live with
the deception from my partner and
the lost love, the dreams, the goals
that we would grow all together.
The feeling, the everyday experience
that I thought that I had this
amazing relationship and marriage
with my partner that did not exist in
this man's world, but only in mine.
And then the loss of my son.
That was a lot, but I have more.
In the midst of all of this, based on a
very stupid decision my mother made with
regards to her wellbeing, she ended up
being in a extremely hostile, volatile.
Precarious, unhealthy,
almost homeless situation.
And I put my name, my life, my
soul on the line for my mother, the
way I have done for over 15 years.
My dad did this, my dad did that
for my mother up until his death.
And once he died, I took that over and
I made my mother my responsibility.
And I thought that my
mom was my best friend.
I thought that my mom
was everything to me.
I thought that I was
everything to my mother.
And in my worst and my darkest day when
my partner was choosing family over his
marriage and when I share with my mom
that I have had enough of my husband's
disrespect and abuse and that it was over.
And when my mom did not support me,
but treated and sided with my husband
as if this person had done nothing
to harm me the way he had done.
And when I beg and pleaded and
explain and show my mom the facts,
the reality of my situation, which
I didn't need to do since my mother
happened to be living in my home.
So she saw.
The devastation that I was going through
mentally, emotionally, psychologically
losing weight, not eating barely alive,
and my mother decide to treat this
person as if he had done nothing wrong.
She refused to make any kind
of concession for her daughter.
My husband was choosing his family.
My mother choose my husband
while living in my home, a home
that I had just purchased so
I could accommodate my mother.
And so yes, in six months I lost
the three people who I thought
were the anchor in my life.
My mother, my son, my husband,
and three years later I have
still lost those three people.
There has been no reconciliation, no
apology, no amends and no effort that
I have put in, which I will be honest.
I have reached out to
my son several times.
I have reached out to my mom
a couple times, and each time
there is no indication that
there is any level of love loss.
Any level of remorse, any level of
missing me, or that the break in
our relationship is affecting them
in any way, and it is not for me to
say that it is not affecting them.
What I am saying is the minimal
contact that I have had with these
two people who are my family by blood.
And the efforts that I have reached out
to them and they have never offered or
extend or see any of my effort as being a.
Olive branch to reconcile.
And so three years
later, I am still alone.
I am still without those
three relationships.
And you know what?
I have learned so much
in these three years.
I thought I was so ready.
I thought I was so equipped.
I thought that I had spent so much time in
therapy working on myself and my wellbeing
in order to be the best version of myself.
That was what I thought I was when
I met my husband seven years ago.
I did not feel desperate.
When I met my husband.
I did not feel like.
I was willing to compromise.
In fact, I felt I had not compromised.
I was transparent.
I talk about all the important
things, the things that I was
not willing to settle for.
I talk about my boundaries.
I talk about what my goals in life was.
I was not willing to settle
and my husband met me.
On every level, in every area of
every single one of those discussion.
And now that I have done my
research, now that I can function,
now that I can focus 100% on me.
I see.
It is not for me to diagnose anyone,
but I have listened and read this book.
It's called Covert Passive
Aggressive Narcissist.
She had an interview with me.
Every chapter of that book is
my story from the chapters that
pertain to a partner to the
chapters that pertain to a parent.
She's an amazing author.
She scripted and she was able to
transcribe and put in that book, every
experience, every emotion, every pain,
every area, every part of my journey.
Debbie was able to put in that book.
When I read and listened to
things about narcissistic traits
and narcissistic personality and
narcissistic partners, there were so
many of them that just did not fit.
There was a lot that fit, but
there was so much that did not fit.
And I recall pouring up my soul on my
heart on one of these Facebook group,
and an individual responded to my post
and said, you should get this book
Covert, passive aggressive narcissist.
And I was a sponge.
I'm still a sponge.
And so of course I looked that book up.
I have Audible.
I drive a lot, I recall vividly
driving from work when I started
listening to that book, and only
my higher power got me home safely.
I was weeping while I drove home.
There was no way anyone.
Could write the things that
this lady wrote in that book
that could be so identical.
It was my story, it was my interview.
I was those people that she spoke to, I
was that person that lived each of those.
And by the way, Debbie Mercer did
not have an interview with me,
I will repeat.
I did not have an interview
with Debbie Mercer.
It's just that the book is my
life story, and so I just wanna
say thank you for joining me.
I know this was a lot.
It's totally unscripted.
It's 100% from my heart, and
it's what I'm feeling today.
It's what I'm feeling right now.
And I just wanna say for those my friends.
If you are out there and you're
struggling, and you're hurting
and you're confused and your life
doesn't make sense because you spend
a lifetime loving and respecting and
honoring a relationship, a partner,
oh, filled your soul with intermittent.
Little things that they give
you on and off and your entire
marriage or relationship has
been nothing but the state of
constantly waiting and anticipating.
When is it gonna be the next time
when we are laughing and having
the best time of our life, and
when is it gonna be the next time?
When the person that I love is gonna
be a monster and he's gonna treat
me like he just got me at the corner
and he's paying $10 for my service.
I did not sign up for that.
That is not who I am.
And you knew that when we met.
I was different.
But that was Why?
You reigned me in.
You pulled me in because you knew who
you are, and you quickly saw who I was
and the abuse that you reigned on me.
You could not even direct
that to me from yourself.
You actually spend our entire marriage,
and this is new for me, I have not
met anyone whose experience is,
instead of their partner being an
asshole directly to them, he actually
uses someone else as a scapegoat.
To cause us to get into fight and have
disagreements and quarrel and drama,
and unseat me from my role as
a wife, as a human being, as
someone who is intelligent.
And who has choices,
but I do have choices.
That is why I am here today.
Three years later, single I, because
I had choices and I was never stupid.
I loved unconditionally.
I committed with every fiber of my being.
I was honest.
I was true.
I was transparent.
I gave everything that I wanted
for myself, and I thought it
was reciprocated and it was not.
It took a long time for me to
realize that I was not crazy.
I finally learned that there was
something called guest lighting,
and once the flame of curiosity.
Desperation and confusion became too much.
It was not making sense for far too long.
You knew I was gonna get to
the bottom of it, and I did.
And you also knew that the
moment I got to the bottom of it,
that was when we would be over.
Today,
my life is quiet.
My life is peaceful.
My life is calm.
I have no triggers in my home.
I am not unseed in my home.
I am not disrespected in my home.
I have a voice today.
I matter.
Today.
I love myself today.
I say No more.
Trust me.
This is the hardest.
The hardest thing I have ever
done on this earth is to give
up on my dream that it is true.
I will grow old alone, and I would
choose that every day than live
in the last marriage that I was.
Participant in no more will
I allow anyone to let me feel
like I am yesterday's trash.
I deserve more than that.
I deserve a partner who's gonna
stand up for me and who's gonna
set healthy boundaries and who most
importantly, is gonna love me as
intensely and unselfishly as I love him.
And today I am okay with loving me.
I have learned.
That all the things in my soul and in
my being that I have given to everyone
my entire life, I have turned the
faucet off and today when I turn that
faucet on, I am given it all to me.
I am filling my cup, and when that
cup overflows onto my saucer, I share
that wealth with people around me.
I share that wealth in
interactions that I have.
I share the wealth of my
overflowing cup with the world.
And so today I am at peace.
Today I am okay.
Friends,
I am so sorry if you are starting this
journey of separation and brokenness.
I wish I could tell you that you would
feel better tomorrow or next week.
I wish I could tell you that if you
meet someone else, that if you sign
up on the next website or dating app.
And you start going out and doing
all of that, that it will diminish
the pain or it will make you whole.
But I can tell you I did not try,
not this time, but if you take the
shortcut, it will not bode well for you.
If I did not hear anything from the
support that I got on the various
site, that I pour my soul out when
this journey of nightmare started.
If I didn't hear anything,
one thing that I heard very
clearly, very distinctly is that.
I have to go through the pain.
I cannot go around it, that it will
take time, that there is no limit.
That because they reach their peak at
year two or year one or 18 months, that
might not necessarily be my story.
No true statement had ever been made.
I lived when the next day
would feel better, when my life
would feel that it was right.
I am still on that journey, but God,
three years later, I am so further along
on this journey than when I started.
I would not trade any of the.
Detours and the potholes and
the tears and the brokenness
and the not wanting to be here.
I would not trade any of those
experience today because those are what
brought me to my today and my today.
I can honestly say I'm okay.
I am okay.
I'm not great.
Not all the time.
I'm not perfect.
Don't expect to.
I have not reached, I
am not ready to trust.
I have my hangups.
I still struggle, but
gosh, it is so much better.
The safety, the peace that I have in
my home, in my space, not having anyone
walking into my home and disrespecting
me, and I am dumb and unable to speak up.
To stand up for myself.
No more.
No more will I ever be silent.
When anyone disrespect me, when
anyone stepped into my circle, my
safe space, I will not ever be treated
that way again because I have options.
And the first one is to walk away, shut
it down, let it go, and trust myself
that no one is more important than me.
I am not more important than anyone,
but no one is more important than me.
No one get the special treatment
that I do not allow myself to get.
Thank you so much for joining me today,
and if you like any of my content, please
subscribe and we will see you soon.