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In this episode of 'Woman To Woman,' host Angela Burnette Smith and her daughter Lauren Smith Kenion discuss the vital topic of communication. They delve into the differences and similarities in communication styles between genders, emphasizing how personality, upbringing, and technology influence our ability to connect with others. They explore key insights from the book 'Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus,' examining different emotional needs, stress handling, and the importance of validating each other's feelings. Stay tuned for valuable tips on how to avoid toxic communication styles in relationships.
00:00 Introduction and Hosts Introduction
01:36 The Importance of Communication
02:57 Generational Differences in Communication
06:08 Personal Experiences with Communication
09:06 Communication with Partners
11:29 Gender Differences in Communication
16:05 Examples of Misunderstandings
21:47 Conclusion and Next Steps
Creators & Guests
What is Woman2woman with Angela Smith?
Welcome to Woman2Woman, a unique podcast where women come together to bridge the divides of age and our experiences allowing women to grow in unison and learn from the diverse wisdom each stage of life brings.
Engage in real talk, and expect real answers. Dive deep into conversations that are not only informative and inspirational but also introspective. Whether it's the challenges young women face today, the insights of our elder women, or the collective experiences that bind us together, Woman2Woman covers it all.
Drawing strength from scripture, our discussions also offer Bible-based solutions to modern-day problems, grounding our perspectives in timeless truths. Whether you're a young adult navigating the complexities of the modern world, a middle-aged woman seeking clarity, or an elder wishing to share and imbibe knowledge, Woman2Woman is your space. Join us and be a part of a community where women uplift each other across the ages.
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Angela Burnette Smith: Hello and welcome to Woman To Woman. I'm your host Angela Smith, and joining me today is my lovely daughter [00:01:15] and co-host Lauren Smith, Kenya.
Hello, today we are so excited about the podcast topic because it impacts all, all of us. Um, and so no matter which, you know, [00:01:30] generation you fall into, whether actually whether you're. Female or male. This impacts all of us and we're gonna be talking about communication and how we can enhance our communication skills.
And we want to particularly talk [00:01:45] about ways that we can do that as they relate to the differences between the genders. Because as we continue in our discussion, we will find out that there are definitely some, some differences concerning. Um, [00:02:00] the gender and the way that we communicate men and women will communicate differently.
Now, when you think about communication, communication is really, is an acquired, it's an acquired skill. Or I, I [00:02:15] like to think of it really as kind of a learned, a learned art. It's something that must, must be developed. And so depending on a person's, personality, their environment, you know, their upbringing.
All of those things will impact. An individual's [00:02:30] ability to communicate in the way in which they, they, they do. So, and you also, I think you have to be intentional or purposeful to really be a lifelong student in, in this area. We can always grow and, and that's one of the things that we want to [00:02:45] promote on, on Woman to Woman, is the ways that, that we can, that we can grow, that we can, we can be better.
And, and today communication is really something where a lot of people. Struggle. I think partly because we [00:03:00] have so many different, you know, different outlets in, in my day, you know, coming up for someone, you know, 60 ish, it's different than someone at 30, which is even gonna be different than someone, you know, 20.
So the way we communicated was clearly [00:03:15] clearly different. Than the way the generation today communicates. Um, you get to have information that's disseminated much more quickly. You know, in my day, say if, if you were, when we left school on Friday, [00:03:30] you know, we had, we had a, a phone, but in my case it was long distance to call my classmates that were in another city.
So I really didn't find out anything about the news until of what had happened over the weekend, until the following Monday. As far as you guys, you know, with the social, social [00:03:45] media and, and, and networks that, you know, you can just have in information so, so quickly, um, that it, it, it really, you know, impacts your, your communication.
What, what do you think Lauren in, in that [00:04:00] regard? Um. About your generation?
Lauren Smith Kenion: Well, my generation, we grew up with technology, so I feel like with the influence of social media, that has really impacted our way of communicating in a more negative sense [00:04:15] than a positive sense because people, they rely more on.
Instagram and Facebook and Snapchat and texting each other. Then picking up the phone and having an actual conversation, or even just having a face-to-face conversation. I notice my generation, [00:04:30] they typically avoid those in-person conversations and they like to hide behind a screen. A screen. Right.
And you know, that's really sad for me because I feel like with my age I kind of got both worlds like so before technology [00:04:45] really got to where it is now. I did know how to be, you know, around others and communicate, you know, in a healthy manner. But then growing up in technology, I noticed like a lot of my peers started relying too much on the [00:05:00] technology piece of things.
And so that's kind of hard.
Angela Burnette Smith: I. It's
Lauren Smith Kenion: kind of hard now.
Angela Burnette Smith: Exactly. So in, in, in my day, people would have relied upon maybe receiving a letter. Mm-Hmm. Or a card from someone in, in the mail. Like something
Lauren Smith Kenion: more personal.
Angela Burnette Smith: Right. Now you've got, now you've got [00:05:15] mail, you know, things are right. Are email. We don't even really get, like many people don't send birthday cards or greeting cards.
Mm-Hmm. And things like that anymore. Everything's done, done electronically. And, and so it tends to be more, more shallow, as you said. Mm-Hmm. In, in the, the connections. And [00:05:30] unfortunately because of that, I think people. Are, are not as sensitive Mm-Hmm. Maybe to what they say, right. In their communication because they are not having a face, a face-to-face.
Mm-Hmm. Encounter. And, and so that brings in [00:05:45] that piece where you're talking about it, it tends to be more, more negative Mm-Hmm. That people don't have responsible communication. No. They, they just not at all, you know, feel like, okay, freedom of speech and, you know, Mm-Hmm. I'm just out there with it and no filters.[00:06:00]
And it not really considering the impact, but we wanna talk about today how we can enhance our communication skills. You wanna share anything about you know, just from a personal standpoint as far as [00:06:15] like, you know, your upbringing and, and, and how that piece is huge, you know, concerning the manner in which we communicate with, with others.
Lauren Smith Kenion: Well, yes. I, I personally believe that God knew. [00:06:30] Which family to put me in because I have a heart for people and I love to socialize and I love to talk as you already know this about me. Um, but with my upbringing, I'm really blessed and thankful that [00:06:45] I was born into a family that also, um, valued communication and.
We could sit at the table and discuss like difficult things. Um, not everything that's always on the positive end of the spectrum, right? But like even those really tough conversations [00:07:00] from the spiritual standpoint and even in the natural, we had a good balance of both. And I feel like that really created this amazing foundation for myself, knowing that my gift is.
To serve other people. Right. [00:07:15] I feel like that's why God allowed me to be born in the family that I am, because it created this foundation for me to be able to grow and to know how to effectively communicate, not just like with friends, but even like in the workplace. Um, and I have watched myself [00:07:30] grow because of that foundation, and I've never wavered on that.
I've always valued communication. I've always valued the importance of. Like listening to understand and not listening to just respond. Um, because I really do care about people [00:07:45] and I want to make sure that I understand those that I'm interacting with. So I am very blessed and thankful for that upbringing because.
That has allowed me to be the woman I am now.
Angela Burnette Smith: Amen. And and it also, you know, per [00:08:00] perpetuates the generation to come as we see already in Mm-Hmm. In, in your son, my grandson. Mm-Hmm. Who is a great communicator. He, yes. He meets no strangers, you know, he sees you down the street, he's like, Hey, you know, and, and so he just, Mm-Hmm.
Is, is very, very sensitive, very loving. [00:08:15] Already evangelizing and just communicating with people. So as you said, God makes no mistakes. Mm-hmm. And and that's one thing that we have to be mindful of, that God places us Yes. In, in the family that we have the good, bad and the ugly Yes. Of the families for, you know, for a purpose.
[00:08:30] And, and so even though I recognize that coming up at the time, you know, I did, you know, being born in the sixties. You know, children at that time, there were boundaries. There are definitely more boundaries. And so children were more thought to you to be seen and not hurt. Mm-Hmm. But [00:08:45] yet my family also gave me that, that opportunity to express myself and, and to be able to, to communicate that, that helped me to, to be the person that, that I am and to foster that in me.
And so I'm, I'm thankful [00:09:00] and because of that, you know, being able to, you know, to pass that on, on, on to, to you. So with that said. So let's go into talking about the importance of communicating with partners because that, that is, that is a, a very, a [00:09:15] very hard a hard, place some sometimes. Yes. And, and it's important when we talk about communication with, with our partners, number one, you know, we can't, we can't make, you know assumptions.
Mm-Hmm. That we know what, [00:09:30] you know, someone is thinking. And we need to really, we have to foster, foster an atmosphere. Where people feel comfortable bringing things to the table, like you said. Mm-Hmm. We learned that, you know, we'll just put it on the table. We don't believe in elephants. Elephants shouldn't be [00:09:45] in the room, right?
No. And, and so no offense, we learned that yes, we can bring not just the positivity. But in the difficult matters, no matter how big or, or how small Mm-Hmm. That we need to, to bring those things and, and put 'em on the table. Mm-Hmm. The other thing [00:10:00] that I think is hard in in communicating with our partners or with someone else in general, is that we, we must remember that the things that, um, are, are I important to us, may not be.
Important to someone else, [00:10:15] you know, and vice versa. But we can't dismiss some just because it's not of high priority to us. Mm-hmm. Doesn't mean that we should just dismiss it and, and act as if it's, it's trivial. Mm-Hmm. Because it's not, it, it's not high on our priority list. And, and that's [00:10:30] why I, I think that a lot of relationships struggle because that's really, that's really selfish when we have Mm-Hmm.
The all about me. Yes. Mentality is like, oh, that's, that's really foolish. Or Why, why are we even talking about that? Well, because it's important. Mm-Hmm. To me. [00:10:45] And, and so just right out of the gate, you know, and communicating with our partners, or if we're looking to have a partner, if you're a selfish person, it's all about you and you're inconsiderate.
Not really good marriage material. Right. Just because you, we [00:11:00] really have to, we have to foster that type of atmosphere. Mm-Hmm. And understand the importance of, of being considerate of, of, of others. And, and that's, that's clearly, you know, outlined in scripture how we need to be more mindful of others [00:11:15] than, than ourself.
But we live in a culture and a time that that really tends to promote the all about me. Mm-Hmm. You know, mentality. But, um, we're gonna talk about ways to kind of overcome that today. So. Let's move into [00:11:30] a, a discussion now about the differences in the, you know, the sexes and the way that, that we communicate differently.
And it, it's interesting that there was a book and that gained a lot of, of media attention back in 1992 when, when you were [00:11:45] born. And that book was called Men Are From Mars, and Women Are From, from Venus. It's kinda like, oh, we are on two totally different plans, different here. Woo. And, and it made some, some really, some really good, good points.
[00:12:00] There were five big ideas in, in that book. And one of the, one of the ideas was that there are differences, different communication styles. Um, and, and men and women, they have distinct ways of, of [00:12:15] communicating. So men tend to be more solution oriented. Mm-Hmm. And women, they're more expressive and, and, you know.
Empathetic and the nurturers. Yes, the nurturers. And, and then [00:12:30] secondly, there's a difference in the emotional needs. Mm-Hmm. So, you know, men, they tend to kind of retreat. They, you know, retreat to their cave. Um, you know, and women, they want to seek empathy and, and under [00:12:45] understanding. Um, what about one of the third things that, in, in Gray's book on men or Mars and women from Venus.
Lauren Smith Kenion: The love tank concept. Yes. And Gray introduces this idea of a love tank [00:13:00] suggesting that everyone has an emotional storage that needs to be filled with love and affection. Mm-Hmm. And when a person's love tank is full, they need to secure and they need, they feel secure and happy in their relationship.
Angela Burnette Smith: Right. Right. And so, you know, gray talks [00:13:15] about this is, is, is kind of the. The, you know, the love, the, the love tank. Mm-Hmm. And so it, it's like what fuels fuels us. And, and so because of that innate need to, to feel the love and affection, if that's, if that's a little low, that [00:13:30] can be, you know, problematic on, on either on either side.
Um, you know, gray also talks about, you know, how we handle stress differently. Mm-Hmm. And this kind of relates back to the piece on the emotional needs. Mm-Hmm. You know, men, they tend to like [00:13:45] to, um. To handle their situations in solitude or to be private, um, about that when they're working through, working through their issues.
Women on the other hand, we just, we wanna talk, you know, we wanna talk it out or you know, you know, call up your [00:14:00] best girl. Lemme tell you. Can we talk, can we talk? Um, and then finally, gray mentions the importance of validation and, and a, a appreciation, and that's what we referenced earlier about how we have to validate and [00:14:15] appreciate our partner's feelings and, and their viewpoints, even if they're, even if they are different, you know, different than ours.
But, you know, I, I think. Two, you know, we make the mistake today. We talk a lot about, I think we spend too much time talking about our differences. [00:14:30] Mm-Hmm. And even though this is clearly an issue, I think that there are still many areas where there's similarities. Mm-Hmm. And that there are crossovers and that the differences are, you know, are somewhat, you know, minor.
Um, and, and so, um, but [00:14:45] one thing I I do want us to talk a little more about today. , is in addition to the communication differences is, um, the way in which the message is received? Mm-Hmm. [00:15:00] Because I, I think that that often creates creates you know, problems, you know, whereas, you know, women, they tend to emphasize similarities, you know, about themselves.
They wanna make everybody happy. Whereas men, you know, they seek, you know, more independence and, [00:15:15] and, and you know, competitive. Nature in that regard. I, I found it interesting while we were, um, preparing for, for this podcast, it talked about women tend to have a rapport talk. Mm-Hmm. And, and so that means their skills [00:15:30] are more of like the talking Mm-Hmm.
And the, and the nurturing. Connecting. Yes, yes. Mm-Hmm. And, you know, the emotional expression. Whereas then the men, they have that report talk, show me the facts. Right, right. So you got report talk, and you got report, you know, report the logical
Lauren Smith Kenion: standpoint.
Angela Burnette Smith: [00:15:45] Exactly. And so it's not necessarily a matter of, of right or wrong Mm-Hmm.
But we are just, God created us, us that way, that we're hardwired that way for, for a reason. But I want us to look at a couple of, um, examples that, to see how it plays out in the [00:16:00] way things get communicated or how they're processed differently by, by the by the sexes. So. In this first example of, of misunderstanding.
Okay, so I'm gonna be he and you'll be the, the, she responds. Okay. So [00:16:15] this is the first misunderstanding. So say if he says, you know, oh, I'm really too tired. I have so much work to do, I just, I don't know how I'm going to get it done. Me too. There just aren't enough hours in the day. Oh, and this is his comeback.[00:16:30]
There you go again. You never think about my contributions to this marriage are good enough. And so it may kinda leave her kinda scratching, scratching her head. Mm-Hmm. Because, you know, basically she's trying to [00:16:45] communicate, you know, we have a similar, I'm feeling the same exact way I feel your vein, I feel your pain.
You know, having a, a just a moment where she's trying to, to share. I kind of understand you're not, you're not alone. But for him, he's kinda like, what are you complaining about? Yeah. You know, you [00:17:00] aren't better than I am. Mm-Hmm. And your contributions this marriage aren't, you know, more significant than mine are.
So, again, it's not just what you say, it's a way, but, and, and the way is also important, but still it can be, say, you know, you can [00:17:15] say. Something and it be perceived totally out of the context of what, what you meant.
Lauren Smith Kenion: Well, that's why it's always good to follow up with a question first before you just assume like his response could have been like so.
With the way you responded, it made me feel [00:17:30] like my contributions to this marriage are not good enough. Is that what you mean when you say, oh, me too. There just aren't like, ask a question before you just jump to an assumption thinking that she's not appreciating you.
Angela Burnette Smith: Right. Right. So, you know, kind of getting on the Mm-Hmm.
The [00:17:45] defensive. Mm-Hmm. Instead of what you're suggesting is maybe reflective, kind of reflective listening, making sure. That you understood, understand. Yeah. Because you know, a lot of times, you know people, and we'll talk about this, this a little later, people, but No, that's not, that's not what I, that's not what I meant.
I meant, and, and so people discount it because [00:18:00] Mm-hmm. That was their, not their intent, but you still have to deal with the impact. Mm-Hmm. And so we're seeing, you know, these impacts can be negative if, if the perception. Is off. So, um, let's flip the script with her starting starting
Lauren Smith Kenion: that off in that discussion.
I'm [00:18:15] really tired, I have so much work to do and I don't know how I'm gonna get it done. Well, why don't
Angela Burnette Smith: you take a, a day off and, and rest
Lauren Smith Kenion: I
Angela Burnette Smith: if you're so
Lauren Smith Kenion: tired. Thanks a lot. You think my contribution to this household is, is so trivial that I can do [00:18:30] nothing and the difference won't even be noticed.
Angela Burnette Smith: So here again, so we've basically taken, taking the same scenario, right.
And you know, he's, but he is, is problem focused. Mm-Hmm. So he's kinda like, she's saying she's tired and he [00:18:45] is like, okay, I'm gonna help you, I'm gonna help you. So, yep. You know, go get. Get a, a rest, and, but you know, she's not feeling like he's connecting with her e emotional, you know, emotional side. And so therefore she's not, not feeling she's feeling [00:19:00] frustrated and, and that he's not He's not.
Right. Exactly. Exactly.
Lauren Smith Kenion: So instead, we. His response could have been, how can I help you so that you can get the work that you need done?
Angela Burnette Smith: Yes.
Lauren Smith Kenion: And, and it's not a bad
Angela Burnette Smith: [00:19:15] thing, but you know, often times it's not a bad thing to ask questions and you know your ask questions. Exactly. Your dad and I, we've been married.
For 38 years. And so I have learned over those 38 years. Mm-Hmm. I'll kind of just do this like little disclaimer and say, right, I, you know, I wanna run something by you. I don't, I don't need you to solve it for me. So, [00:19:30] you know, just kind of say what you need up upfront. 'cause that's gonna be, that's gonna be his go-to if I start sharing something, then.
Automatically. Mm. He's gonna think, okay, how I'm supposed to, how correct I'm supposed to solve this. And, and so sometimes we just have to be very candid coming outta the gate to get [00:19:45] Can I, can we talk? I just want, I, I just need to, to share something. I don't really need a solution per se, but listen, I just to listen.
Would you listen? Exactly. Exactly. So, um, sometimes it's just a matter of, of just stating that, stating that up, up, you [00:20:00] know, upfront. Mm-Hmm. Um, '
Lauren Smith Kenion: cause that men are more problem solvers. So a lot of times when you express your feelings to men, their immediate response is, oh, I gotta fix it. Right? Instead of, oh, she just needs the emotional support right [00:20:15] now.
Angela Burnette Smith: Right. And then sometimes in our attempt to, you know, to be, you know, nurturers. Mm-Hmm. And, you know, our empathetic side that can come across as if we are, you know, trying to baby them or like, you know, you're [00:20:30] not my mama. Right. Sort of thing. And, and so it is our role as far as married women. You know, we are to love our husbands, we're to raise our children.
Mm-Hmm. And, and so we have to make sure we don't cross over that and that balance. Yeah, exactly. Crossing over, you know, over that, that line. And so, you know, [00:20:45] basically, you know, some kind of take homes from, from those, you know, those two, those two examples is that, you know, we first have to just understand that differences, differences are, you know, are key Mm-Hmm.
Um, and that, so sometimes if, if. [00:21:00] When we speak, if it's perceived, you know, differently than we at hope, we just have to kind of back up and, and realize, okay, maybe a person is seeing it through a different filter that we've just been, you know, mis, mis, you know, misheard. [00:21:15] And, and to avoid, you know, kind of the, the hurt feelings that, you know, that can follow.
Um, and that, you know, our communication though it needs to, to involve a dialogue. You know, not, you know, not a monologue, not just the one person. Um, I. [00:21:30] That's, that's agreed. That's talking. So just an important point there that I wanted us to talk about as far as those, those differences that were kind of outlined back in that, that that popular book in 1992 about men from Mars and, and [00:21:45] women from, from Venus.
So I think we're definitely, we're definitely off to a great start. I'm gonna pause here just for a moment and then when we come back, I want us to transition to talk a little bit more in depthly about four toxic [00:22:00] communication styles that we can avoid in relationships. So stay tuned and we'll be right back.