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In this episode, Dani talks about her experience in college within the US education system, as well as what that experience taught her about learning. She discusses what and how she's learned since graduating and where it's gotten her today.
For links & recommendations, see full episode notes.
Dani is honest and refreshing in her takes on the world and society. Listen as she explains how she’s come to understand the world through kindness, both towards ourselves and everything else.
[0:00] Hi there friends! Welcome to Understanding Kindness, I’m your host, Dani! Today we’ll be wrapping up this little series I’m doing on my experience with the US education system and learning. If you haven’t listened to the previous 2 episodes, go ahead and catch up on those first, then come back and continue on with this one. In today’s episode, I’ll be taking you through my college years and my life up until this point in time. College is a lot about learning lessons, inside and outside of the classroom, so we’ve got more social/emotional stuff for today. We’ll end with discussion about what and how I’ve learned outside of school. So without further ado, welcome to this episode of Understanding Kindness.
[0:45] (Theme).
[0:51] We’re talking about a podcast called This Land today for our Native segment. This Land chronicles a Supreme Court case that “could result in the largest restoration of tribal land in US history.” Told in a true crime podcast series style, Rebecca Nagle, citizen of Cherokee Nation and journalist, tells us the story of an assassination of a Cherokee leader in 1839 and a small town murder in 1999. Nagle weaves these stories together to tell us of the Supreme Court case that will, ultimately, “decide the fate of one man and nearly half of the land in Oklahoma.” We learn of how this 1999 homicide “opened up investigation into the treaty rights of five Native American tribes.” The episode that sparked my desire to discuss this podcast on here today was episode 2 titled “The Tribe”. While I’d definitely recommend listening to the first episode as well, and I will be continuing to listen to the entire series, episode 2 teaches us some imperative facts. In the episode we hear about terms such as federally recognized tribe, tribal jurisdictions, and allotment. We learn how these play into the real lives of Native peoples and their land today. My favorite part though, is the look into the US’s history with making and breaking treaties. The episode ends on a bit of a cliff hanger with a teaser about this big part of US history, that we seldom hear about in the US education system, and how it pertains to this case specifically. We get a small glimpse of this in this episode, but it’s suggested that we’ll dive even deeper into this subject in the next episode. Given what I’ve listened to thus far, I’m excited to hear how Rebecca covers this topic. Don’t be surprised if you hear about this podcast again here. For now, if you’d like to listen to the first two episodes of This Land and get a little intro in some terms and history, I’ll link them both in the show notes.
[3:00] {Singing} *Shooouuuuut-Ooooouuuutttttsssssss*
Hello my beautiful patrons! It’s great to be recognizing you today! Thank you both, I am eternally grateful!
Aaaand, off we go!
[3:16] Okay, now into college. I start my freshman year at Northern Illinois Univeristy in the fall of 2013, the same year of my high school graduation. I decided to live in a dorm on campus because, ya know the whole college experience thing, and my friends who already lived out there already had signed leases. My boyfriend at the time was actually attending a community college off campus so he wasn’t living in the area. During my college years I was still working at Medieval Times, as a server now, on the weekends I’d drive from DeKalb to Schaumburg, Illinois (about an hour or so). Since my boyfriend’s (and my) friends were all living out in DeKalb, my boyfriend would drive out on Thursdays and we’d party during the weekends, waking up early the next day to drive back to Schaumburg for work. Most of the time we’d drive back and forth every day just so we could party after work. Funnily enough, even though my friends were out there, I didn’t spend much time with them during the week. I didn’t like my roommate, and didn’t put much effort into getting to know any of the others on my floor either. So, during the week, I’d wake up, get ready for class, spend pretty much the whole day in classes, then come home, eat, do my homework, then spend the rest of the night watching tv. I really had no social life outside of my weekends when my boyfriend would come over and we’d party with our friends. My classes were pretty boring because most of them were general education courses. My approach to them was pretty similar to my approach in high school: Do the bare minimum and just get by. But the psychology classes I got to choose were really interesting and fun for me. I finally felt like I was getting to learn things that I was passionate about.
[5:02] I kept taking really interesting psychology courses in my sophomore year (starting in 2014), and began taking a few more electives, like sociology, which was really interesting too. This year my best friend, Jennifer (not her real name), transferred to NIU and a few of us friends decided to get a townhouse together. This place was awesome! It was three floors and I had the entire basement to myself because no one wanted to be in the basement alone. That was fine with me though, I loved it! I had a blast at that place! I loved living with some of my best friends and getting to spend lots of quality time with them. I continued working at Medieval Times throughout this time and kept up the same routine of driving back and forth on the weekends to and from school and work. Luckily there were a few of us that still worked there so we were able to carpool frequently. This year I began thinking about what I’d like to do with a psychology degree after I graduated. I really wasn’t sure what I wanted to do as a career still. Since I was so free floating in my thoughts on my future career during this time I was looking for anything that might show me the way. I got pushed into thinking that I needed to make a lot of money and the way to make the most money with a psychology degree is by becoming a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor and, at the time, the only therapist that could prescribe medicines to people. They are paid the highest in the route of psychology that I was looking towards. I wanted to work directly with patients, helping them through their struggles. And I thought I needed to make lots of money. So, with all this in mind, I talked to a guidance counselor and began on a route that would lead me to medical school after graduation. This meant that I had to enroll in lots of math and science courses, not my strong suit generally. These courses were really difficult for me. I couldn’t ever really keep up in the lectures or in the labs, and it made the year not much fun academically. I did make up for that with the partying and time spent with my friends and roommates, so overall, this year was great!
[7:12] After that difficult course load from the previous year, I learned that I did not want to go to med school. Instead I decided that I’d focus on going to graduate school after college and finding something in psychology to do while there. I put a lot of effort into my psychology classes in my junior year (beginning in 2015). I had a few classes with my best friend Jennifer and we studied together often. This was the first time that I really put effort into studying for exams and reviewing the material and it paid off big time. I was able to walk into the exams and ace them. The material was so interesting to me and it all seemed to click that the exams were a piece of cake. I moved into a different house with my boyfriend and a few of our friends this year. My boyfriend and I were not on the best of footing the summer before I moved in, but against my real desire, we moved in together. I was feeling like I wanted to move on from the relationship, but couldn’t figure out why so I couldn’t see a reason to leave. I thought we’d be able to work through it. So we moved in together with some of our friends into a rental house. Our relationship stuck together for the most part, not without hiccups though. I was really struggling to figure out what was off in the relationship and in my life during this point. I wasn’t sure where to go or how to get there. I just knew I wanted something to change but I couldn’t figure out what. I kept going along with the flow of things, hanging out with our friends, going to class, studying, going to work, partying on the weekends. For the most part, all went well this year.
[8:52] Then into my final year of college, starting in 2016. My friends, boyfriend, and I decided to not resign the lease. Some of us graduated, my best friend and I decided to move back into our parents’ houses, and my boyfriend decided to stay in DeKalb. We stayed together during this year and I traveled back and forth between my mom’s townhome and my boyfriend’s studio in DeKalb. So I spent this year commuting. I applied the same strategy that I’d learned the previous year to studying and learning in my courses. I had an internship my final semester and worked in a convalescent center for a few hours each week for a couple months. This meant that I was balancing school, my part-time serving job at Medieval Times, and a part-time internship during my spring semester. It all worked out pretty well because I set up my school schedule so that I didn’t have to go out there every day, and I also stopped partying as much. I wasn’t as invested in my relationship with my boyfriend at the time either, but this was still something that weighed heavily on me. We stayed together through each of our graduations and throughout the summer. At the end of the summer, after a festival that we went to with our friends, I decided that I needed to end the relationship. It wasn’t fair to either of us to keep sticking with each other when I knew that I wasn’t fully in it. So, despite not knowing what I would do, what would happen to my relationships with our mutual friends, or who I was as an individual, I ended the relationship.
[10:23] As I’ve mentioned before this was really difficult for me. I entered into a deep depression. I wasn’t hanging out with any of our friends anymore. I was stuck in this place for a few months before I realized I needed help to get myself out of this depression. Once I began seeing a therapist regularly I began building back confidence and energy. I put effort into making myself better. I had the support of my mom and some friends and I was determined to create a lifestyle that allowed me to be happy. We’re into early 2019 at this point. I was stuggling still to figure out what I was going to do as a career. Finally, after having tried to get into corporate HR and beginning a job as a therapist for autistic kids, I decided that I wanted to go back to school to get my PsyD, which is the psychology equivalent of a PhD, less research, more hands-on experience. I slowly began doing research on what I needed to do to get into graduate school.
[11:23] I was constantly bombarded by rhetoric that the jobs I was working during this time, working part-time as a server at Medieval Times and part-time as a therapist, were not “real jobs”. I was constantly told that I needed a 9-5 job and I needed to earn lots of money. So, again, this is where going back to school, and accruing astronomical amounts of debt, came in. I thought that the only way I was going to live a happy life was if I got into lots of debt for an education to hopefully make lots of money in the future. I began studying for the graduate requisite exam little by little. I continued on this path for the rest of 2019.
[12:05] Some time during this year, my partner Jorge and I started dating and he began opening my mind as to different ways to live and be happy. He’s been doing a few jobs and pursuing different passions, while never having worked a 40 hour work week in his life. He was still living well and happily, despite living a lifestyle contrary to the one everyone was pushing on each other. That was very appealing to me and I loved being around people who lived the same way. Despite being around this environment so frequently though, I still thought I needed to go to graduate school so I kept studying slowly but surely, and I was miserable doing it!
[12:44] I continued with these part-time jobs and studying to enter school into 2020, into when the quarantine hit. I continued thinking that I needed to do this and couldn’t see any other path, even though I was so miserable. Something that I started during this time was reading a lot. I began reading books that I’d put on a to-read list and never got to. These books were ones that I was really interested in. I realized that non-fiction books were just as real and legitimate as fiction books. So, I began reading lots of non-fiction. I’m not sure what book I started with, but I remember that The Story of Stuff was one that really showed me how I could enjoy reading non-fiction, and learn so much! So, I kept reading at least a little bit each day, and suddenly one day while taking a walk and listening to a podcast I realized that I wanted to start my own podcast. I stopped studying for the GRE immediately. I think I knew the whole time that this was not what I should be doing and just needed an excuse to leave that path behind. I began reading more and more. I wasn’t devoting my precious time to studying for an exam that was teaching me nothing, so I could devote time to learning things that interested me.
[14:08] I had so much free time on my hands at this point because I was laid off from Medieval Times due to the pandemic, I was taking a personal leave of absence from my therapy job, and I was no longer wasting my time studying for the GRE. I read a lot during this time. I still wasn’t the most focused and I still tried to read for speed, but I was beginning to learn that there was no reason for me to read for speed. What mattered was that I understood what I was reading, so I slowed down. A lot. I began reading things over and over again until I was sure that I understood what the author was saying. Sometimes that I meant I read a sentence once or twice, and sometimes that meant I reread just a part of a sentence seven, eight, nine, ten times until I knew what the author was trying to tell me. I’ve since realized that when this happens it’s usually because I’m having trouble focusing and continuing to reread the same line helps me refocus, which tends to allow me to comprehend more of the material quicker as I continue to read. I still struggle with this at times and continue practicing mindfulness to help with this.
[15:22] Since the time in quarantine, since I decided I wanted to create a podcast, I’ve continued reading more than I ever have before. My to-read list is ever-growing and I’m enjoying just about every book I’m reading. Last year I read 30 books. That’s the most I’ve ever read in a single year, and honestly, I learned more in this past year than I learned in my entire time in the US education system. Almost none of the topics that I read about now, including in all of the books that I’ve recommended on here so far, are ones that I’ve learned about in school. SO much of what I discuss on this podcast is from reading books that interest me. I take that knowledge and my experiences and apply them to my life.
[16:11] The way that continuing to gather knowledge works in your brain is incredible and, I think, very empowering. The following is a very brief and crude synopsis. Our brains create these little pathways called neurons. Neurons connect to each other through little gaps between them called synapses. One neuron can connect to multiple other neurons this way. When we learn new information a new neuron is formed. This neuron can connect to an already existing neuron, essentially just building on knowledge that you already have. So, for example, when you can connect something that you learned tasted good in one recipe to how it would help another dish taste just as yummy, that’s an example of your neurons forming pathways to connect knowledge together. When we gather more and more knowledge, whether it be from reading, listening to podcasts, watching videos, or experience, our brains are forming new neurons and connections. Doing this over and over again, continuing to gather knowledge, allows the process to happen with more ease. When we continue to go over the knowledge, ie studying or teaching someone about something we learned, the repetition allows easier access to that information. The pathway becomes well-worn and well-known. I personally find myself connecting two seemingly disparate topics quite frequently because I’m learning about a wide variety of topics and actively trying to connect them in some way to discuss topics or fix a certain issue.
[17:56] What I’ve learned the most this past year or so is that I am capable of anything. Social stigmas and cultural scripts are just those, stigmas and scripts. They are not inherent, tangible things in this world. They’re concepts that everyone chooses to live by, and stigmatize each other by. Now, yes, choice is a tricky word here because all of us that grew up in this culture and society were bring told these things since birth. We were purposefully not taught other ways of living to perserve this culture and society. But this culture and society breeds depression, anxiety, and death. Why are we constantly second guessing ourselves? Things that seem inherent in our very beings, we’re told that they’re wrong and punishable by capture and jailing or, sometimes, especially historically, by death. Anyone who dissents from these cultural and societal norms, historically, has been genocided, and today can be fined and locked up. Think about the laws of the land you inhabit, now and in the past. Should anyone be able to control or take another’s life? Should someone be told that they cannot express themselves however they please? Should we not be able to love whoever we want to love? Should we not be able to be whoever we are?
[19:39] These are big topics and questions to end this series on, I know. So, I think the most fitting thing to do here is to give a few recommendations of books that really helped me think about things differently. The first is Ishmael by Daniel Quinn. I believe I’ve mentioned this one before and cannot recommend it enough. It’s a quick read and fascinating. The next is one that I’m currently reading, almost done, is called Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, & What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. This one is a deep anthropological dive into our “inherent agressive, possessive nature” proposed by theorists like Charles Darwin. Learn about how modern discoveries and just a little extra critical thinking debunk the ignorant narrative of our inherent nature that we’ve been told about ourselves for far too long. I haven’t finished this one yet, but it’s so good so far that I’m giving it a high recommendation as well. The Story of Stuff: The Impact of Overconsumption of the Planet, Our Communities, and Our Health- And How We Can Make It Better by Annie Leonard is a classic here on Understanding Kindness. It exposes a lot that has been hidden from us about how all of our stuff is made and where it goes when we’re done with it. Another high recommendation. And finally, a novel, 1984 by George Orwell. I think back to this one a lot when I see examples of oppression or sensor-ship in our society today. We follow the protagonist through a dystopian future of survalence, sensor-ship, and destruction to see what will become of us in such a future. If you’ve never read it, I’d suggest giving it a read.
[21:33] These 4 books alone, I believe, can help expand the mind as to what’s possible. We’re all living in our own bubbles, thinking “if they knew what I knew, they’d understand”. We’re all doing the best we can with the knowledge that we have, most of which has been given to us. Take ownership of your life and all that you’re capable of learning. School is not when learning should end, the US education system lets far too many of us fall through the cracks without even a notice. I’ve learned more about myself and in general in the past year than I have during my entire time in the US education system. Considering much of what I was taught about history and our past as a species was either false or a large stretch of the truth, that’s not all that difficult to believe. Think about how much you as an individual has yet to learn. Think about all the opportunity for learning that is around you. Once I began to see everything in life and this world as a source of learning, my life changed. Everything is more interesting. Nothing is a requirement that someone will assign me and then assess. I’m on my own timeline. Anything I want to learn, I can, and I can take however long is necessary. It doesn’t matter how quickly I learn the information, it matters how well I understand it and how well I can apply it.
[23:06] Overall, if there’s anything that I learned from the US education system it’s that it doesn’t work for most of us. There is always something that doesn’t work for someone and when that occurs they tend to slip through the cracks. There are too few teachers for all of our children who are ready and eager to learn. The standard of what is taught in the US education system doesn’t work for everyone and many of us need more individualized learning and attention. The information we’re taught in the US education system is biased, and often erases the experiences of those who’ve been conquered by the system, either historically in general or presently within schools. I want to learn the truth of those who I haven’t heard from my entire life, I want to learn about how I can best live this life on this Earth with all these beautiful beings here with me. I want to learn how to be happy and how to have a full life, not how to make money and have a full closet. I want to learn to how be content with what I have, instead of always wanting more. I learned none of this in the US education system, but I’m beginning to learn it in life and by listening to the world.
[24:27] {Singing} *Recommendaaaationsssss*
Alright, for our recommendations today we’ve got a few books to start. First off, there’s Ishmael by Daniel Quinn which answers the question: How did things come to be this way? Fantastic read. Next, there’s Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, & What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá which details the evolution of human sexuality and mating. This one reveals much which has been obscured from the mainstream focus and questions why that may be. Another great one! Then there’s The Story of Stuff: The Impact of Overconsumption of the Planet, Our Communities, and Our Health- And How We Can Make It Better by Annie Leonard. I’ve mentioned this one plenty of times and can’t recommend it enough. For our last book rec, we’ve got 1984 by George Orwell. Fall into this page-turner and you’ll begin to see the world through a completely different lense.
[25:32] Lastly today, I’m recommending the podcast This Land. This Land chronicles the Supreme Court case that relates a 1999 homicide to the current treaty rights of Native American tribes. I’ve personally only listened to the first two episodes [E1 “The Case” & E2 “The Tribe”], but cannot suggest them enough. I’ll be continuing to listen to the whole series.
All of these recommendations, as you know I’m sure, will be linked in the episode notes.
[25:58] If you enjoyed this episode, help support the podcast! All this content is free and I’d love to make it my job one day, so if you’re financially able join our patreon or send a one-time or recurring donation through paypal! You can also share an episode with family or friends, and give UK a kind rating and review!
Check out UnderstandingKindness.com for all episodes, transcripts, and blog posts. And why not take a listen to my other podcast, Better When Awkward, co-hosted by my childhood best friend Jasmine!
Get in touch with me by emailing UnderstandingKindness@protonmail.com, or through social media. You can find all links in the episode notes.
For now, be kind, be compassionate, be understanding, and question everything. I’ll be here. Thank you for listening to this episode of Understanding Kindness. [End transcript]