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Fathom 4's tithe is logged. Next stop: Scargaris Prime, a salt-flat hive world that hasn't paid taxes in ten thousand years. Lady Abathia Rubania greets them wearing a backpack of her own blood. Her alabaster spire glistens wetly in the sun. Reeb rolls Medicae on the wall — and finds out what the Marble Compact has really been feeding into their architecture. Somewhere beneath it all, a Dark Age Mechanicum outpost is still waiting.
Website: https://www.narrativedeclaration.com
System: WH40K Wrath & Glory
Creators and Guests
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Guest
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What is WarHams - Narrative Declaration?
WarHams! The TTRPG live play show set in the grim dark world of Warhammer 40,000. Follow us @NarrativeDeclaration on all social media!
three two one go welcome welcome everyone to yet another fantastic episode of warhams
i was on it this time i was on the side of this time to help us not destroy the ears and
everything else welcome back everyone i'm so excited to see everyone back happy and everything
and first off before we start anything before we start anything i have important announcements to
make because this is going to show up as a vod and stuff and some people like to click off and
go later on the thing just really important this is really really important you listen to all this
or else you're going to be really confused where things went so i hope everyone can peek their
ears a little bit first off i want to make sure everyone is aware that for one we are now going
to be talking about warhams and i'm going to be talking about warhams and i'm going to be talking
with warhams one of the first things that we decided to do is at our announcement video that
we're like okay cool or is this something people like is this something that people are really
going to enjoy and it seems we've done a good enough job to where we can now legitimize
continuing on with warhams so warhams is now going to be a thing we're going to keep on going with
it until everything crashes and burns uh second thing is that all of the future vods will know
longer be on alpha's channel we decided to shift some things around you know based based on some
discussions and stuff that we've had and looking at some things we're shifting the vods which are
on the youtube channel basically you'll see all the vods still on twitch just fine but you'll all
be shifted over to my channel so just so everyone is aware we are shifting it over don't worry that
we always have have a discussion with this and stuff being alpha sat down kind of went through
all this stuff and we kind of feel for this so he can concentrate i'm doing the animations and
stuff it's the only thing you'll see and i'm going to be doing the animations and stuff so
coming on his channel are animations from the show whenever he gets time to do those
so hopefully you guys can enjoy those but if you want to see what happens after the live stream
basically my youtube channel is where those vods are going to be but the first five episodes will
be freely available right on alpha's channel they're not going anywhere they're not getting
deleted they're going to be purely dominant right there all like episode six not episode five but
episode six is where all that is going to start going this episode five
should be going up on his channel next thing is that all the gate system that we've been trying
to go with is now going to come into effect starting on episode six so basically if you
are a supporter of us on patreon which i hope you guys have uh all the awesome people who've
been contributing is doing an amazing job keeping this going that on patreon we like to we do a kind
of a gated time system so you know if you have no money if you have no way to contribute it's
okay we wanted to structure this so so no one has to pay a dime to see this show so basically
the only thing that really happens is that after like within two weeks or so the vod will then come
out and if you want to catch everything early you can support the patreon and be part of the show
via that we're also potentially brainstorming some ideas to add some new things into it
so still stay tuned to our patreon page here for blog updates and a whole bunch of stuff
because that's where we try to inform everyone we use it as a blog system away as a content channel
so check out the patreon if you haven't already they're going to see all the awesome stuff that
we have going on with it uh further on is yeah so all that will be there also if you have not seen
on my channel so far which one thing i forgot to include episode zero which was the previous the
first episode kind of like the episode zero that we did at the pre-show which is the one that you
saw the animation with uh brain killing on the light bulbs and stuff it is now on my channel
right now so if you want to go in and see it it's right on my channel right now after the show i
encourage you to go see it and all future vods and stuff once more will be over there uh other
other than that if we do hit remember if you do hit a thousand concurrent viewers i we will be
giving away a ninth edition core rulebook i am willing to even put my own money and increase
that up to three core rulebooks in total this is out of my own pot my own wallet that i'm going to
if we hit a thousand concurrent viewers so tell your discord and tell your friends everything else
and additionally now or now that i'm done with all of that all the fun announcement bits let's see
who is going to be suffering with me today starting off with pie brain yes i am speaker d
i am playing pie brain the pernicious guitar
and next up we have
van horn our inquisitorial acolyte played by hello i'm urndo i am still here regrettably i am
the medic and i keep people from dying even if they keep dying a moment later and the captain
of the debt collector captain zedek our rogue trader is played by that would be me hulky crow
i look pretty so you don't have to don't worry i know you appreciate it and i am your host
on the bear i play lawn our sanctioned psyker in quotation marks and the one who will be
torturing us today is our luscious game master hello hi i'm uh thurston hillman aka uncle gm
and uh yeah yeah i'm excited for today i'm gonna i'm gonna make y'all y'all hurt in new ways new
ways you didn't think possible it's gonna be fun we're gonna have fun grim dark future is all about
fun every fiber of my being to not
press the nostalgia critic button i know i appreciate your restraint it was for you
and on how this show works for anybody that is new as i now turn off this overlay you'll see
these dice that are around here so this is a way that we can you can help support the show and kind
of influence the game a little bit and as we said in the past that we we focus on fun first and not
wallet and not wallets so if you don't have any money don't worry you still get the show for free
you're gonna have a good time but if you don't have any money you're gonna have a good time
you want to help contribute to basically help pay for all the awesome art that we get the order
and uh put on the show every single time and just help support us so we don't you know
live in cardboard boxes with an ethernet cord plugged into it this is a good way to basically
do so you can always check out on the desktop version of twitch by looking in our little
donation thing there will be a image there you can click that and it should bring you over to
the thing or the bot if it ever does decide to work at some point in time it'll also bring you
a link there's a link tree and everything down in the info boxes on mobile on the info tab
to where you can find all the relevant links to warhams and everything else but you'll notice
each of the dyes that we have do different things the gold ones which are now disappearing we start
with zero for these these are called glory die basically they allow us to basically kind of buff
up some things add a little bit more damage they're generally just overall helpful but they
don't do a huge amount but it's always good to have a bunch of them the red dyes which over on
the bottom right there of the overlay which are now disappearing to four because our game master
starts with four because we play the system
warhammer 40k wrath and glory by cubicle seven and they and he unfortunately starts with four
you'll also notice the two dice below our portraits you can kind of see lauren's things
lighting up in the case that we're talking here and on the bottom of it you'll see these wrath
die which should be flickering there for you these wrath die are like like say for example
if you played ninth edition or eighth edition uh warhammer 40k you need a re-rolled failed
failed uh failed dice rolls that's kind of what it does for us because this is a d6 system game
so that's how all the dice work and remember i'm going to steal thurston's kind of thing here
if uh remember this is still tabletop rpg games we can get rules wrong things can mess up we might
mess up a rule so please forgive us if we mess up any rules and stuff like that and uh if we do
mess them up please tell us on their twitters and things like that the rules will be horribly
messed up so we can do them better next time sorry for stealing your thing thurston but
i think the floor is now going to be yours so what do we have here we have a lot of dice
today thief i mean i am all right you're a fucking thief okay let's let's get underway
with today's episode session five so quick uh quick recap of our previous session um basically
what happened last session was the pcs enjoyed a trip through the warp on the debt collector
and no chicanery or funnies happened at all uh it was a really just normal trip through the warp
and if you're interested in that go go check out last episode but uh they were on their way
to meet up with minister materatum katcha van nord their superior in the the crusade fleet that
they are a part of and it's part of the officio ambassadorious the pcs are our heroes are making
their way uh having exited the warp now and taking a shuttle to meet katcha van nord on board her
ship the magnum aurum victorium this immense golden barge that the uh the the
small arvis lighter that the players have taken over there uh shrinks as it gets closer to
reaching the docking bay our players are escorted by a group of well-armed naval
armsmen through a crowded and bustling ship now along with this i think uh our players have brought
along some offerings with them for their meeting with katcha van nord so i'm gonna hand things over
to captain zedek as as you're making your way through the warp and i'm going to hand things over to
through the magnum aurum victorium captain zedek can you explain who you have brought along with
you so in line with our mission for our good lady we have brought along a cooking staff as per her
small request uh this cooking staff is of course comprised of the reputable cousin medj medj and
well his wonderfully helpful cook staff totally not
a
more capable and more desirable cook who we have totally not met before
all right so so you are bringing a cousin medj medj and a i'll say probably about six different uh
different ratlings that you have acquired from your your time on fartham for cousin medj medj
has a like a bit of a stoop walk uh he drags behind him a sack that's filled with onions
and then there's a host of other ratlings that are going to be brought along with them
and then there's a host of other ratlings that are going to be brought along with them
who are laden down with kitchen knives skewers and various other implements as their their tiny
tread takes them through the the aurum vessel you find yourselves in there's just this sound of like
metal on metal and the sound of a sack being dragged as the rest of you advance well what
is essentially a slower pace though the the ratlings are doing their best to to hustle run
behind you i mean they do the best they can they can do the best they can they can do the best they
can they can to go frustrate their damned
very verylock so fast is medj medj basically the same face as hedge hedge except he has
a very large bushy mustache uh yes yeah and like a very large bussy bushy mustache uh
at one of his eyes is lazy color scheme is slightly inverted like it's like a huge lighter
it's like slightly flatter colors yeah yeah and and mention you just sort of like it kind
of walks again with this this strange guess birch but you can keep to it you did not find
me especially in the early early key that teaches you to do plain and
grey and weave a lot closer and in a broaderbernate manner for everything quite the books yeah
something other than that they were able folks to solve in this easy tell me what you think
what you could possibly do we just do theuggling of talking a little bit but in holding
up a bottle and when they're adventure that near when we're also able to absolutely
with this this strange gate and he he he's looking up at captain zedek the whole time
where are we going we're going to my wonderful boss's ship and you're going to cook for her
and you're gonna have a great time i promise okay and yeah you you you just continue on
eventually reaching the the stratagem of the magnum orum victorium an immense cathedral-like
area that is multi-tiered with arrays of naval armsmen deckhands uh naval staff and various
built-in servitors and cogitator units there are several floating hololithic displays that are up
on in the uh a raised area in the center which a staircase leads up to the staircase isn't quite
a spiral though it's more like the outer edge of a square like the outer lines of the square
sort of going up at each of the four points before
you reach the top of it when you do you are once again introduced in the flesh space to your
superior minister moderatum catchavan nord who gives you an assessing look as as you appear here
she is dressed in a lovely blue ensemble with the golden uh trim highlights she has a a lovely
necklace of of ruby that is just
huddled with various diamonds of exquisite quality which she she gently fondles with her hands which
are various uh mechadendrite appendages and and she gives sort of a a haughty raise of her head as
you uh reach her on the uh the upper stratagem deck uh hey gm got a question yeah totally i'd
like to i'd like to roll a quick it's like a scanning medicaid if i can okay i'd like to figure
it out yeah absolutely yeah give me a medicaid test is that good structure phones all right
there's that medicaid okay oh yeah um yeah this is probably someone who has spent a lot of time
on board uh like in space and in low gravity environments
yeah like this woman has probably never uh never really left the confines of a ship for a prolonged
period of time so i'd also explain some of like the droop in her facial like um skeletal structure
as well she has a beanpole exactly exactly they don't call them high class for nothing
and she she turns and spreads her her mechadendrites wide and gives gives kind of a
half-flourished bow ah ambassadors welcome uh reeb will do a curtsying bow because he's been
trained to bow he's an inquisitor how it do we have brought you your meat creature for your
disgusting food mouth yeah like three of them are picking their noses one of them scratching their
butt uh another one is running down the stairs for an onion that fell out of the bag
these creatures i am told cook other things other than chlorinated water and soup
her her her mechadendrites come up in
a in a halting motion we must we must not be discussing business yet as the codex familiaris
laid down by the most holy of primarch states there is something we must do first uh oh no
uh can each of you give me a scholar check please i i don't think we need a scholar check
no you all need a scholar check this this this is
nothing from alpha yeah yeah uh my scholar check is a one
because lauren does not know anything about the world all right all right so so the the results
of this to for everyone listening to our show uh reeb has rolled a six uh captain zedek has
rolled a one brain has got a six but with a complication and lauren has got a one so the
difficulty number we were looking for here uh was a
astonishing three so only two of our uh players pass um so those of you uh which would be reeb and
brain both of you know what a hug is and and how to perform it however captain zedek and lauren
the concept of a hug is very foreign to you you've only kind of read about it in in your your
your documentation and you're not exactly sure how it works yeah now uh brain do you have any
suggestions on how your knowledge is complicated like is there a way to do it or is there a way to
you you get the basics of a hug but there's something else that that maybe you get wrong
about it i'm gonna fucking kill her oh my god a hug is a well-known way to subdue an enemy in
battle it is a sort of grapple i see the primarchs are well learned of the methods of war we must be
tested at every angle
um her arms are wide as though to accept like a warm greeting though she's incredibly like
her head is held up high her eyes are closed she's arched her head sort of expecting a regular hug
uh it sounds more to me like you're doing some kind of athletics like tackling maneuver is that
correct uh yeah sure yeah we'll go with like i don't know i don't want a power bomber as funny
as that would be uh fucking suplex
it's probably like i'm like putting her into like like a weird like military hold
like the weak should fear the strong oh gosh okay give me an athletics check let's see what
what what your check ends up having you do oh six okay oh boy i i assume what starts off as a hug
becomes like a pro wrestling maneuver where you manage to pin her on the ground put you in the
camel clutch and to make you humble
all of the arms have been around here immediately turn several of them like raising up their their um
their las guns and a few of them kind of quizzically and you just hear a catch of it
this is quite sufficient quite quite quite are you good are you good are you tapping okay and i
let go does he tap out click click click click it's really hard to hear with all the
slapping on the floor it's kind of like a fish
my brain will destroy her at summer slam
that was an experience uh before you continue before you continue
oh yeah that was supposed to be a player complication oh oh okay um so are you
offering to jump on the uh on the grenade of lorne also complicates with a failure
yeah i will volunteer okay
oh no so with your failure and a complication you have no idea what a hug means so lorne what is
based on your fenrisian upbringing what do you assume a hug means i assume i see like the dog
pile that's happening in front of me yeah yeah and i think it's a mosh pit so i start trying to
like with my old man body going i remember this game i remember this game
almost didn't even rest i just jump in and just grab brain and like just try to like toss it or no
i got one of the other guards who like have as well like join in and i like try to like push
him into the pit or just start tackling somebody i'm just immediately just like just joining in
the melee night this is a hug right lorne lorne this is not blood bowl you don't have
but catch a van nord has long legs you better believe it
right my gutter runners getting there all right uh lorne you you start like going up to a guardsman
i'll i'll have you make an athletics test for me as well just to see how badly this goes
i have a one
so okay i have to paint this picture i have to paint this picture i'm like i'm gonna take the
whole blood bowl thing i'm like ready to tackle like one of the mirrors
like hugs hugs for everyone i'm like trying to like barrel into it but my old man body is just
like just breaking at every like just any impact of this guard and i imagine the guard will then
grab onto me and going i have the block trait and then immediately fuck suplexes me just
destroys me oh you're down yeah yeah yeah i'm down i rolled skull
like you come
running well not even running you come like old man advancing on this guard who who immediately
just tosses down their their last gun and gets you in just this this perfect like choke hold and
puts you down and like you hear the snapping of some of your bones and then the then the
armsman gets back up and kind of dusts himself off no no no no the here she already tapped we won
we won you she already you didn't have to go i was the legal man
reeb reeb you
uh you can go next um medic patches standing up and her arms are slightly wide
like sorry about that ma'am i will reeb is going to do a very cursory hug making sure to do it very
lightly and doesn't like pat on her back oh is this like one of those awkward hugs where you're
like barely touching each other mostly because i'm looking at the ground he's turned into that
he's turned into the guy who had bonitis for you know from a while ago
like his face is just like purple and he's like
on the ground i make it i make it as quick and painless for both her and i as quick as i can
so i can roll a medicaid to fix lauren there there's a a sigh of relief and then you may go
and roll a medicaid to fix up lauren oh god yeah yeah yeah with like a seven you you like knock
those old bones back into their correct position uh but but with that uh that brings us to captain
zedek uh captain zedek there's like a lot of people who are like oh my god i'm so sorry about that
like there's this gaggle off to the side there's there's pie who's kind of doing like a victory lap
around saying he won but catcher van nord has her like arms wide open still and is looking awkwardly
at you but once again you captain zedek have no idea what a hug is why would a rogue trader ever
need to know what a hug is so how do you react just kind of seeing what's happening i'm like
reeb do i do i tackle her do i
figure out man hold your shoulder for a second lauren
i pass out
i come now captain zedek i'll just i'll walk up to lady cassia i'll just
kind of not not sure if i should tackle her if i should gently wrap my arms around her
i'll kind of reach my hand up to her hand and just gently
shake her hand and i'll just shake her hand and i'll just shake her hand and i'll just shake her
hand and i'll just shake it point a finger at her just do a finger gun
very awkwardly and back up i've never taught how to do this my folks never taught me how to do this
as you back off both of her mechadendrite arms surround you like in like a split second of
pulling you inwards and then let go and as she lets go there's almost like a push as they come
back around and she kind of sends you sprawling back and then she kind of lets in this big like
breath and then a sigh of relief of oh it's done good good good
good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good good
welcome friends
now that the primarch mandated big hug is complete
you may inform me of the debriefing of your events on fathom for
wonderful i merely become unconscious to fuck her he's a traitor let's kill
are you referring to to slayer burgo to fucker be the 24th of his name
oh yes he has to be referred to by that okay
you're gonna want to get a 25th sometime soon because the 24th model's bogus we received his
his update remotely when he briefly translated in system before his his uh next appointed mission
his vessel is making its way to the ghoul stars already which is where our fleet is making its
muster towards next oh bloody hell yeah i cannot confirm that probably everything he told you was
like wrong and also stupid and we can prove it well he he had indicated that you had performed
somewhat admirably in recruiting a large swath of the population but that you had otherwise failed
in preventing mass damage to much of the much of the uh the industry there it wasn't so much of
preventing mass damage as they started to become more hedonistic than their minds could handle
crunch crunch as one of the rattlings has said to me i don't know what to do with you i don't know
why you do me no good do me well what is your point
i may
have
where
to
head
to
here
nice
wonderful chef entourage for you as you requested as if on cue like uncle or sorry cousin mejmej is
like trying to pop a pimple on the side of his face and looks up what we assure you that these
people are not to be underestimated and not to judge a book by its admittedly dirty cover and
her eyes go wide as kasha van nord looks over the assembled mass that you have brought again like
many of them scratching in awkward ways uh one of them like bent down with plumber butt into the uh
into the bag in order to like obtain some some goods to snack on and like her eyes go wide as
she looks on this this mass that you have brought to her and then her eyes like still wide with some
form of shock turn towards all of you
they don't look like much i i swear to you i've had the best barbecue i've ever eaten
and her eyes go back and like again one of them is scratching himself uh another one is just sat
down from boredom she looks back at you what what what this is
they're perfect and she turns and rushes towards them
and like starts starts bringing them together in like one big hug with her mecha dendrites
oh oh i've waited so long for a cooking staff who understands the finer things in life
and she she's like let's let her grip down turns kind of
touch herself a little bit yes rest assured this will this will be noted as bonus points for you
oh
i'm again
you know i'm gonna help lauren do his feet so he can better like do a fucking daisy chain dance
i like like i like my body starts coming out like like it feels revitalized by like
the holy psychic minor
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy holy
holy holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
holy
like i'm raising my hands like i was cured
by the saying of bonus points
wait we shall begin and with a wave of her mecha dendrites the the sort of planetary orbs that have been floating on this this raised plinth in the center of the
all blink out and instead they're replaced with like this this scrolling line of text like a like a word document floating in the air made of green hololithic light and you can see
each each of your names underscored under you know the ambassadorial group and it's all of
your names and then there's a total point and and catch a venored look citizens as well let
us find out what you've done first of all have you earned planetary support
yeah yes we yeah totally what form of planetary support have you acquired
well chefs hey everyone huddle huddle team huddle team huddle everybody yes yes of course
the codex familiaris is quite clear on the rules of the team huddle as set down by the primarch
whatever all right i assume everyone gets in a total form yes we the camera cuts to being on
the floor looking up at all of your heads all right guys i i don't know what the fuck
was that
yeah i don't think there's any planetary support we i mean we got the people of you know of
government in one of them's right here so we could technically say that this person is a
representative and possibly tell that person that they are leading the planet but at the same time
we didn't even fucking find out who the fuck rules the planet i don't think anyone does
i got an idea i have idea what's your idea okay well we were able to usurp the
rebellion of the planet and we were able to usurp the rebellion of the planet and we were able to
usurp the rebellion of the planet and we were able to use the imperial life the imperialist
government of the planet that had usurped itself yes which means that the planet for a time was
no longer an imperial planet which means that by deposing them and allowing the ratlings to rule
once more over the disgusting green world we have conquered an entire planet for the imperium
by ourselves oh that's ga uninteresting resources are theirs and even with the fires which were
started by fuckerby dichotomy to bring it off we did improve it to 30 completely clearly and from
this point on we aren't doing a good job yet and as he talks as he does it does he does a good job
did my fucker be don't remember it was his fault we have to bring that up they could use that to
repurpose the world in any way to a horrible agri-world or a beautiful planet of black
buildings and smog and pollution all we have to say is that we just need to plant a uh government
official of our choosing in there and then the entire planet is ours yes and they can do it by
going to that horrible disgusting town with that mare i almost ripped into chicken strips it'll be
great okay okay captain zedek and reeb are you in agreement of this plan i'd say yes but we do have
to we do need to remind you gentlemen we do still have two individuals of whom were part of the
original group that they had i still have the femur of the very legged one but we also have
one awaiting a tribunal and one who is still in very serious critical condition
yeah i'll let you bring that up too they named a holiday after me i think the excuse that we rule
what we essentially brought a planet back into the imperial fold is a really good idea i'll totally
buy it and i have another idea oh no so say for instance they don't have any rulership well
we do have one surviving member of the council that we're not about to throw into a pit of
boiling water
hot lava we have the dead priestess if we reassert her as planetary governors
we have everything all of the points let's assume that we can get her out let's let's let's deal with
that one later let's not include her into the courage plans but uh captain zedek do you under
no like cock brain you're like
zedek are you good to present this plan yes i am 100 on board
worst case scenario we put the fat mayor back in charge surely things will not go to shit again
you first captain i will discuss the um matters of uh two prisoners one i'll let you two take care of
it please do i want the minister of science to pay for what she did okay all right everyone
all right on three all right all right team three two one go all right let's go all right
and we break
and she looks she's and she's got this like
and she's got this like and she's got this like and she's got this like and she's got this like
the the billboard has now been updated with a a line that uh you know simply reads you know
earned planetary support far than four so lady katya we have not just acquired the necessary
firepower for the crusade we have done much more than that what firepower have you acquired we have
really brought into the fold the entirety of far than four's population as we'd soon discover
upon landing there that insurrectionist forces had taken up shop and deposed the local government
installing themselves the head and thus seceding from the imperium away from the emperor's guiding
light we have since deposed these insurgents and radicals and taken one of them prisoner thus
restoring order to the fold of far than four the planet is now firmly in the custody of the
imperium once more good good
good good good good oh well that is let us see and there's like these numbers start spinning beside
and after a few moments they end with 40 000 points
more than six her her mechagendrites then then like go up vanna white style to another line
and text appears discovered and resolved the prior embassy well what what's
even happier
so in regards to the prior embassy of individuals of which there were
four as i recall correct yes yes yes yes well it turns out that the first of their group the
tech priestess she had been more or less put out of action by their actions the three remaining
the lord of the
the
the catachin and the uh confessor were all well they were all convinced that they could take
control of the populace now i'm not entirely sure from whence this notion of glory came though i do
indeed have my assumptions if i could be but we did manage to capture one of the offending
individuals alive the uh carogen or as she now refers to herself and indeed refuses to
divulge her name to us the lord of science
i see i see well i shall have to consider let us see and she raises her mechagendrites up and
suddenly there's like this scrolling again of of numbers 20 000 points hooray yes we are able to
surrender her over to you for a tribunal as she is very very guilty of many things uh there are
some things for which she is not guilty but most of it is because she is guilty of many things and
she is guilty very guilty in fact very very guilty and i surrender her to whatever inquisitorial
needs that need to follow our fleet however we did manage to uh re what is the opposite
zedek brain what is the uh what is the inverse of incapacitate recapacitate capacitate i think
we've close enough she she is in critical condition but is likely to make a recovery
and she is currently stationed aboard our ship and we are attempting to
get her back into operational order so we may again get more information as to what happened
then i should i should trust you with uh with holding on to these individuals for now uh our
my vessel the magnum orum victorium will be very close by on your next assignment i intend to meet
up with you in a just a few weeks time after i provide you your next mission so i will allow you
to keep them on board your vessel rather than i will allow you to keep them on board your vessel
waste time with any transferences at this point lacking a brigade
no comment but what i will say is let us see the results and and so you have now these like your
points have lined up and and what you see is is your your ambassador like emissary score which is
now sitting at a brisk 60 000 points um however underneath that you see another team headed up by
one slaburgo de fuckerby
which is currently sitting at 75 000 points
i raise my hand madam yes servant of the machine god yes i i noticed a small error
it appears as though this other team has more points than us
ah yes well that that is a problem but but and then she turns and once again her eyes go
wide with with avarice as she gazes upon the half squatted group of rattlings oh we forgot about
those my cooks yes i i as minister moderatum am allowed a slight variance of excess points that
i may grant again it should not be a determining factor in any sort of of uh the grand the grand
scheme of of what we are doing however i believe based on the
personal request that you have assisted me with it only seems natural that i can grant you a few
as i had promised bonus points
thus based off the great mission's prime diagram and my own emperor tasked role as arbiter not to
interfere too directly in terms of the point acquisition with these bonus points
i believe that based off of this acquisition the best option would be a bonus of 39 000 points
yes yes at at 99 000 points oh god what a rush
jangling the keys yes fucker be here
he's where we are
well then with that and she waves her mechadendrite and the billboard disappears are we ready to hear
about your next assignment of course yes there's more give me the task well this was simply
recounting your prior assignment lawn now we there is a new mission you must undertake for this
this crusade of the
as you may have heard and she
waves a hand that brings up this hololith of the galactic plane
the crusade is making its way towards the the eastern section known as the ghoul stars
one of the primarchs has demanded an immediate reroute of our resources to that region
and we are making due haste there however along the way there are certain elements that the
primarchs wish us to to be aware of and to make contact with one of these worlds and like one of
her mechadendrites moves to the east and one of her mechadendrites moves to the west and one of her
mechadendrites moves up and taps a small dot on the plane of the galactic which causes it to to blow
up into a star system one of these planets right here is scar garris prime as you can see it is an
old world that was first liberated during the days of the great crusade now due to some form of
error perhaps clerical on the parts of the adeptus administratum it appears the planet has
failed to pay its tithes over the past ten thousand years in fact much of the planet
has been forgotten of and the only reason we know it and it has come through to my desk is that one
of the primarchs blessed be those children of the emperor has reminded us of its presence and its
rest in those days of the great crusade thus scar garris prime here is now a bustling resource rich
hive world with several nearby planets noted as being suitable sites for mining and agri worlds
uh-huh i raised my hand yes servant of the machine god have you met these primarchs
oh not not personally no no no
that that comes through through the great the great chain of command ah is it true that they
are all 12 feet tall and made out of metal what they shoot lightning out of their eyeballs and
can do math without even thinking about it what brain they're they're flesh and blood i don't
think they're a ti-84 how do you know you've never seen one
of great wings of metal and float through the air shooting lightning at people who don't take care of
their machines only only a lord only a lord could quadrum for it is honored and blessed enough to
speak to the holy primarchs and then they disseminate that information down to the
minister magistratus who then devolves it down to me a humble a humble humble
servant is it possible to become one of these lords quadratic
the lord could remember it is is raised based on one score and she once again like points to where
the billboard was and it briefly pops into life i would say you are well on your way
once the primarchs know the name of lemuria much glory will come to me we will get these points tell us of the world
these next few days
the the number of points that are required uh are nine hundred name
ninety-nine thousand nine hundred ninety-nine
that's like
really achievable easily achievable we got this
just just keep saving your bits folks
uh
for us to get to this particular quotient why am i the only one who sees how much effort this is going to
be this is the only one who been able to make this pot of Cuzcera
This is going to be a huge pain in the...
Well, you see, we are servants of the Emperor,
and our life is going to be dedicated to this crusade,
so I suggest we get to it at some point.
Also, did we want to bring up the issue
with the mind manipulation of the population?
Did we even record what happened with that?
We do have that Vox recording.
Mm, wink.
Oh.
Oh, yes.
Yes.
Yes.
Not to take away from these ghoul star adventures
that we will happily go upon,
but you might be interested to know
that Defuckabee caused everything bad
that happened on the planet.
And they did nothing wrong,
because he is a stupid man.
I agree.
Defuckabee is a terrible person who lives up to his name.
He did bring in many resources,
and indentured...
Uh, rattling servants to the crusade.
I...
I will have to review this.
Yeah, he made...
He made them eat each other.
Mm.
And he only did it after we did everything hard.
Well, I will...
I will...
I will take a look into this
in what time I have allocated,
but for now, for now,
do not concern yourself with the actions of other embassies.
No, no.
You must take to the stars on a mission
that is all your own now.
There will be no other embassies,
no other embassy involved in this important task.
Excellent.
And once we get large enough,
we can eat the other emissaries
and gain their points.
That's...
That's not how that works.
What? Anyway, that's, um...
Right.
I don't understand.
What is our next mission?
As I said, Scargeras Prime is this world.
You will travel there,
and once you arrive,
you will establish relations with the leading nobles.
They have always...
already received a slight communication
that a more formal embassy will be arriving.
Once there, you will establish relations with these nobles,
and then you will gauge an appropriate tithe
based off of the 10,000 years of back taxes that they owe.
However,
what choice you make will be important,
for the larger tithe you can extract from the world,
and her mechadendrites suddenly form into a fist somehow,
before letting go and becoming tentacles.
The more points you will obtain.
However,
should you squeeze too much,
and the planet rebels against us,
you will be awarded zero points,
and may the emperor have mercy on your soul.
We cannot allow this to happen!
Now, you will arrive,
and you will have a few days' time,
I'm sure perhaps even a week or two,
to establish these relations
and make your decision on,
the fate of this world and their tithes.
After that point,
the Magnum Orum Victorium and myself
will translate into system,
where we will meet with you,
and I will deploy more standard agents on board my vessel
to complete the formal transition of power.
Well...
Of course.
Making contact with a long-lost settlement of the Imperium of Man.
And, um,
you said we would be, um,
you said we would be, um,
we would be punished if we...
failed to get them on our side
after ten thousand years, ma'am?
They have indicated they are devout servants of the Imperium,
though the point of contention now is
the tithe of which they owe us.
From their conquest in the days of the Great Crusade,
that world agreed to pay the Imperium for its protection,
and so we must obtain that tithe.
Multiply it over ten thousand years.
But!
We are, we are with our...
We are with understanding
that since we have not contacted them in that time,
perhaps a full ten thousand years of tithe would be
too damning to the planet.
Thus, I leave it to you to decide
what the adequate recompense from the world would be.
The Imperium's got a passive look on his face
as though he is trying to think of exactly
how to do the math on that one.
I shall leave it to your good judgment,
but,
with that,
she turns,
once again,
staring at the ratlings.
It's dinner time for me.
She is going to eat them.
And she starts to walk off.
Come now, little ones!
We...
I am eager for you to meet the kitchen.
Just put it all in context.
Just throw them all in a pot.
Oh, God.
On that case, it's good we brought all of them
and not just Uncle Hedge-Hedge.
It's a much more filling meal, I suppose.
Um...
Yeah, and with that, like, Katja Van Noord departs,
uh, taking the-the small ratlings
that you have brought, uh, with her.
Can I, uh...
Can I...
Really quick, can I bump one of them
as they're leaving with Katja Van Noord?
One of the ratlings?
Yeah.
And then I'm gonna try to get attention.
Yeah, I, like, do you want it to be, uh,
Cousin Mej-Mej, even?
Uh, whichever one she's not looking at.
Yeah, yeah, she's not looking at any of them.
She's kind of expecting them to follow in her wake,
so they're all kind of getting their stuff.
But Cousin Mej-Mej is sort of the one that's,
uh, closest as he's packing up his bag.
Okay, my friend.
Do, um, keep an eye out for me,
and if you need to, uh,
call for assistance,
please, by all means, use this frequency.
Can I give him the frequency of the, uh,
the comms to our ship?
What's a frequency?
Oh, fuck.
It's a funny little number on the back of the ship.
This card here, that you can input,
and you can talk to us anywhere in the galaxy.
I'm pretty sure that's how that works anyway.
Do I just say the number
into the air and it lets me talk to you?
No, you have to go up to the machine.
Can I explain?
Can I do a scholar test?
What would I do to explain this to him?
Uh, like, I don't know,
um,
a fellowship or a scholar test.
Sure, one of the two.
Alright, I'll do a scholar because that's way higher.
Yeah, that's fair.
Use hand puppets.
Oh, you got a glory out of it.
We are capped on glory, by the way.
Oh, dear.
Okay, um, well, um,
okay, that sounds good. Okay.
If anything particularly unpleasant
happens, please do let us know
at the earliest convenience. Thank you.
Alright.
How long now?
Come on, come on, gang.
And he turns and all of the rattlings
start following Katja away.
Ah!
I have a bad feeling about that.
I don't feel anything.
Not anymore.
I know, I know.
You don't feel...
Eh.
Captain!
Yes, Reeb?
Shall we, uh, shall we make our way back
to the debt collector so we may begin
our little operation?
I think we should. I am terrified
of what we may have to do with these nobles.
And I fear that it involves
getting you fitted for suits.
Suit?
What is this suit?
And so, with
what is this suit, we, we
cut ahead a few days.
Um, travel through
the warp.
During this time, uh, the, the
debt collector is making its way
with all due haste towards
Gargaris Prime.
All of you have had some, some time
on the ship. A very, very quick
summary. We'll just go through everyone real
quick. Uh, we'll start with Pybrain.
Py, what have you been doing with your,
uh, probably a couple weeks, like
two or three weeks on the debt collector at this point?
I have been frantically fixing
everything on the debt collector.
Um, and then I've been
going into areas to where
the, uh, tech priestess has
done her repairs.
Um, and have I been able to find
just anything, even slightly wrong,
even slightly inefficient, like
even a .1001,
or 0001 point percent
lack of efficiency in that
area of the ship? Give me, give me a
tech test, by the way. Not, not our
not our debilitated one, but
Gamu.
Gamu.
Imagine, fucking, Pybrain is
so fucking petty, he critiques the
work of a comatose tech priestess.
Yeah.
Well, that is six
successions from, from Pybrain's
constant skittering over the
ship. Yeah, Pybrain
uh, you're, you're able to find that
that everything that, that
that is, like, in
everything that's working
or within working parameters
is, is exact, but anything
that's not already has the equivalent
of the space help desk ticket
lodged to Captain Zedek on it.
So every time you go to find, like,
aha, this is out by .1 microns,
there's a report to Captain
Zedek already waiting for it.
So as I'm doing
this, I'm going to be going, I'm
fixing a lot of these. I'm probably not
going to get to everything, but I'm going to the
section that is pretty much mathematically
perfect every so often.
Like, at least once a day.
Finding something, breaking
it, and then I'm going to write a
ticket. Hmm, it seems
as though this is not very operational.
Is this Gryan
workmanship? It looks
like it. Tech priest
brain! And I'm gonna put a
ticket there. And I'm gonna start sending
her-a-list.
I would like to
point out that for a brief
moment, Captain Zedek would have
sent Gamu a
calm back, saying, see, the problems
just fixed themselves. And then several
dozen more tickets continue to
roll in, realizing the problems have not fixed
themselves, but instead have multiplied. Now, before
chat and the comments gets
to me, I also have to ask, are you still
murdering people casually during this?
Um, I mean, it's kind of
like, I have less time for it now.
I used to be able to do it, like, every day.
Now I've kind of taken up a part-time
job, but occasionally I will go
into the lower decks and find those
what have upset my eyes.
You know, it's just a little murdering on the side.
You know, nothing major.
Yeah, I mean, like, occasionally...
It's a simple chaos.
You just want to get burned out on it.
You don't murder competitively anymore.
You just kind of do it on the side to keep your skills
sharp.
Sometimes I just maim casual
hunting. Alright, Reed, what are you
doing with your time?
Reed has instructed
some of the unoccupied
menials to gather up as many
of the corpses of the critters we killed
in the septic tank and bring them
to the surgery ward a good distance
away from the tech priestess so I don't
accidentally, like, do something stupid.
Okay. I cross-contaminate
with the ruptured organs of these dead
sewer creatures, and I go touch the tech
priestess accidentally. Oh no, she's got sepsis.
Oh, whoops.
Okay, okay.
I want to...
autopsy every single critter
that we slew so I can see if we can find
anything useful in them. Mainly also just
because Reed was like, I've never seen these things before.
I wonder what they look like if I flay them open.
Yeah, sure.
I like this. Nothing can go
wrong here. So...
Okay, so there's
two types of creatures. There's
the grubs and the mites.
So, which one did you want your first one
to be for? I'm gonna start with the grubs
because they have softer skin and Reed
likes how they split open when he catches
into them with the mono knife.
Yeah, so you, you, you, like,
are dissecting these grubs and
finding their, their, like, their
internal anatomy makes no sense.
Like, you're finding organs that
don't do anything. You're finding
tumorous growths that actually
like, grow bigger once you
cut them open. Like, the logic
is, logic is, is very,
very, very broken
with these things as you interact with them.
I mean, I'm not...
I'm not looking for logic. He's looking for
fascination. It's like he's, he's like at, uh,
like at one of those science centers for kids
where you just get to, like, poke and there's, like, a whole
bunch of crap that just keeps happening all around you.
It's like, ooh, this makes a noise. That makes a noise.
This is science. That's a science.
This is a funny little horn that goes honk
when you squeeze it. And he's basically doing that
to every single organ to see what they do.
I love it. Can you, and then will you give me
a second check for the mites?
Time to break out the crab claw
cracker. Crab claw,
crab claw. Uh,
let's see. What did you get there? Oh, that's a five.
Uh, yeah, five is, is gonna
get you about the same. Um, the, like,
these are highly corrupted,
probably from, like, some sort of
radioactive basis,
maybe? There's some kind of mutation going
on that you can't pinpoint as to what's going
on. The closest thing you can probably
guess is, is some sort of, like, radiation.
Well, that,
you have, if I have learned that there is a
radiation issue, I would
like to take that some time as I
learn that to forward that to brain.
So that I can let him know that there is a
radiation leak in the septic tanks.
Perfect. And, um,
And then you can go into
the toilet and fix, if you can fix the
fuel rod problem in the toilet.
Dear Tech Priestess Gamu,
there is a radiation leak in
the toilet!
Could you, could you, uh, while you're doing
all of this, Reap, can you give me a
conviction test?
Conviction test? I think that is
not a first, but it's
not done often. Let me do that. It's not, it's not
done very often.
Alright. That is literally
as high as I can roll. That, that's
perfect. Okay. Uh, you, you
suffered, like, no ill
effects from doing a whole bunch of research
on these things, which is good.
Which is good. I mean, it was, it was useless, but
I'm, you know, as Reap's stuffing all
the corpses into the incinerator, he's like,
well, that was fun. You, yeah, and you're, you're
very, like, you know more about this, this
stuff. And please, please, if, if
ever not that something else would
ever come of this in the future,
but if something ever were related
to this type of thing, please call me out
and be like, Thurston, I did research
on these things. Um, it might,
it might come up in the future. I did
research on these things. They're useless.
Yeah. Uh, Lorne, what are you doing
during your time? Are you, uh, are you continuing
the, the investigation?
I'm continuing the investigation of,
uh, you know, just, you know, just finding
drops of blood, taking them on.
This is mixed with oil.
It was started by a wet, oiled
sword, and I'm, like, just rushing down
the hallways, and I see Brain, like,
fixing something, and I'm like, Brain!
Brain! Ah, yes? What, what, what's wrong
with that thing? Oh, well, you
see, I broke it because I hate camo.
Oh, I see, I see.
I, I, I found this, like, test of blood
and stuff. Can you analyze it and see whose oil
this, this is? Oh, yeah, sure!
Okay, okay, cool. I watch
intently. Mm-hmm, this is mine.
Um, do you
have any skills you would like to use as part
of your, your, your test hunt? Wait, wait, wait.
Brain, what did you say?
Uh, this is mine. Oh,
okay, cool. Why is your oil mixed with
that blood? I don't know!
Ah, that's pretty fucking weird!
Okay, thanks! And I continue my hunt.
Alright, bye!
No question asked. Do you, do you have
any skills you want to actually use as
part of this hunt?
Psychic mastery.
You fucker! I like that! Psychic mastery.
Yeah, give me psychic, give me, give me
a sign of science. I roll. I got three. Yeah.
Okay, cool. Uh, it's not the barbarian response,
but except, instead it's just psychic mastery.
Yeah. I psychic caster and caster.
That's all I'm good at, man!
I got, like, one defense,
and, like, no health. I have
no skills. I just
mine motherfuckers to death.
I don't got anything!
Just remember from last
episode, when I allowed weapon
skill to do tracking, and
we all, we all saw how well
that turned out. Um,
okay, perfect, perfect.
Okay, so your psychic mastery is enough to, uh,
to have you detect those, those blood,
those blood pools that you then found
the, the gas mixed in, and then brought
to Pybrain's attention. So that, that
is your, your, the height of your
expeditions during this. Finally, Captain
Zedek, what have you, what have you been doing during
this? All the while, assuming we're
actually going to have diplomatic relations with
some nobility, I'm frantically
looking through my wardrobe for anything I can
use to put together suits for
Pybrain and Loren. Cause I'm
assuming they don't have any nice clothes at all.
But I'm- Oh, yeah. I've been wearing
the same thing since I've existed,
so...
So I'm, I'm futzing around with
the Closetoire, trying to find something,
and it's just decrepit, dark depths,
but all the while, the reports
from Gambu coming in, in my personal
quarters, being shredded by a
server, which is then carried off to the Incinerator.
Never to really pay attention to those again.
Yeah, who needs that? Who needs
that? That's, that's just dumb stuff.
I'm practicing my dance steps, just
trying to like, oh god, am I gonna have to waltz? Am I going to have to
tango? Am I going to have to do the
Watoosi? I don't know!
Okay. I, uh, I run-
I'm running back to Bryn. Bryn!
I have a question! I have a question, I forgot!
Ah, yes? If your- if your
oil is mixed with this blood,
were you attacked by the killer?
Tell me, are you okay?
Were your batsmen turned fixing other things?
I mean- Oh, I'm- I'm
fine, no. I will
say to my bloodlust, upon
the chosen of Grya.
I- I- I check- I kind of give him
a look over, like, are you leaking anywhere?
Like, any oil disappearing?
Am I? Oh my god!
You should check around. I mean, you have droplets of oil
going everywhere. I mean, you might need to double check your
stuff. Yeah. And like, as, like,
uh, Lord is, like, looking around, you know,
I assume, like, some, like, medial, like, walks
up, and he's like, he's like,
with a gun or something, he's like, I'm gonna
kill you! And I'm just like, cut off his
head or something.
What was that about? No, wait, wait,
I see him, like, look out, Bryn! That might be
the killer! And I molten beam him.
Oh!
What's wrong with you?
These poor people!
Poor people!
Don't worry, I think that might be the killer.
Oh, there's no evidence anymore.
Well, that was close! You saved me,
Lorne! Thank you! Ah, you're
quite- well, please be safe. There's
some weird fucking weirdo around
killing people, and I don't know who.
And then I just move off. Be safe!
Um, back to- back
to Captain Zedek. Alright, Captain Zedek.
Sorry, sorry.
Fuck, it's beautiful.
Uh, Captain Zedek, would you like to
give me an influence test in
order to acquire some- some fancy
garb for your, uh, fellowship mates?
I would be happy to.
Here you go. Yeah.
Do it up.
There it is. Oh, boy.
There's a- Remember
to say what your, uh, say what your
rolls were. Yeah, a four, okay. It's gonna be a four and a
complication. Yeah, alright.
So, let's see
here.
Uh, you are able- you are able
to- to get some
really, really nice clothing.
Um.
However, your wealth score
goes down by one.
Oh, no. Zedek, it's
four! Because you invest personal capital
into- into this.
How do you feel about being a peasant?
All to buy all of you Chuckleflex
better clothing. Way to go.
I had a really great image
of, you know, the-
the image of
Lord Farquaad pointing and saying
it's that except it's
Gammu pointing at Zedek saying,
poor.
Damn!
So,
we- we cut to close to the
end of the journey, and as we, uh,
we- we reach this point,
Captain Zedek, you have invited all of your
fellow ambassadors, uh, to
your personal suite where you're showing off
their- their noble attire.
Um, and so what I'm gonna
do for this is, um,
I'm gonna start with Reeb,
and I'm just gonna- Reeb, what does
your noble attire look like that Captain
Zedek has acquired for you? I'm gonna
level with you. I'm surprised my current attire
didn't work, but I suppose it's
mine except the- it's- it's literally what I
had before, except the shoulders
are puffier. And I've got, uh, I've
got, like, uh, I've got a dickie
around my neck, and it's got a bow tie on it.
And I've got- Yeah, and you've got-
Maybe there's, like, a stuffed parrot on my shoulder, and I've
got a bicorn. Who knows?
Uh, I like the stuffed parrot, yeah, it's one of those, like,
things you can slightly control animatronically,
yes. Yeah, it's- it's, like, up
my sleeve so I can, like, twist it and make the head
move. Yeah. And you see this,
how do you react?
Well!
Wasn't quite what I was expecting,
but I do love birds.
Especially stuffed ones. Let me take a look
at that. I'm going to inspect
the stuffed bird on my- Yeah, you
go and start, like, like, looking at the
bird and everything else. Uh, Lorne,
what are- what is your noble attire
that Captain Zedek has acquired you look
like? It's exactly
the same as what I'm currently wearing, but
I'm wearing a bow tie, but it's under my
beard. Aww!
Can your beard be
a bow tie?
Nope. I love this. I love this. It's under the
beard, exactly the same. And how do you-
how does Lorne react to seeing this?
Lorne reacts to
seeing, like, my- my bow tie?
...
I'm confused. Like, what?
How- how does he react to see- to seeing this, like,
this uniform laid out in front of him
that Captain Zedek has- has tirelessly
gone to purchase and now is presented to him? Oh, oh,
I saw it, I was like, here's all your fancy
clothes, Lorne has a fucking bow tie.
I go, oh, okay.
I just put it on under the beard, like,
do I look good? And I- I pose
in front of a mirror, try to, like,
kind of get- get a lay of, you know, my new-
my new digs.
It's- it's exactly the same.
Yeah. Bow tie under your beard.
Yeah.
Uh, finally,
Piebrain, what does
your noble attire look like?
Alright, so Piebrain has
a, um, a- like a
turban, like, on top
of his hood. So he
looks like the world's, like, worst genie.
And, uh,
Oh my. It's like- he's, like,
got some, like, weird, like,
Mardi Gras beads and, like,
glitter all over him.
And then, like- Did you buy this stuff?
His actual- his
actual clothes- this is probably the thing that
actually costs Zedek weight
of wealth- is just, like,
this, like, really
nice, like, kind of, like,
fucking vest
that just has, like, solid gold
bars glued to it all
over. And it looks
awful, and the glue is really cheap.
But there's just, like, gold
bars just kind of glued onto,
uh, onto his very small
vest and, like, the rest of his, like,
metallic turrets.
Good.
At this point, Zedek is just
looking back at the
numerous bottles of liquor that
are by the trash servitor
and wondering, yes,
that is exactly why I made this stylistic
choice. Also, I'm not versed
in fashion. It's in the theater of the mind, honey.
What's- what's Captain Zedek's
noble attire? Is it just his regular
clothing, or is it different?
I- the noble attire
for Captain Zedek is
a pretty standard two-piece suit
under the greatcoat,
very poorly concealing
the power armor that I'm wearing.
You can- it looks
okay from a distance, but as soon as you get up, you realize,
oh, it's- it's like a stuffed pig.
I'm just- you can see the power armor
just bulging out.
Excellent.
Captain! We are
translating out of the warp shortly!
Oh, thank you,
Ransom. Navigator Gibbon reports
that we will make a smooth
translation into the system and
be above Skargaris Prime shortly.
I will have a shuttle ready to take
you down to the capital.
Thank you very much, Ransom.
I- I appreciate the update. I also
have a question for you.
How do we look?
Do we look noble enough? Do you think we can pull
this off?
And, like, his eyes
keep going back to Pye Brain.
I- I
want- I want to be, like,
in his vision, like, behind somebody.
And I'm just- I just look at him,
like, slowly shaking my head, no.
Just, no.
Just don't do it.
Do not worry. My outfit is optimized
for performance.
I have faith in the Emperor.
Good day, sir. I have duties to attend to.
And he just walks off.
Way to bail, coward!
It is okay.
He is just jealous of my
cool turbin. If you- if you
don't like my fashion choices,
you could go in the terrifying flesh
cabinet and find a better choice of outfit.
You have a flesh cabinet?
You should get rid
of that. No, and hence all my
clothes. I will not get rid of the
Closetoir. I love him dearly.
It. I- I don't actually know. It's terrifying.
Oh, God.
Just kind of in the dark
corner of the room is this- The shadow
over the Closetoir.
It's- it's like a lap
It's laughing slightly.
Compliance.
Christ.
Uh, yeah, and with that
you- you manage to emerge from the warp
over
over the planet
of Skargaris Prime,
which is a, like,
purplish white
world that
seems to be devoid of
many oceans, and those few that you see
seem to be, like, highly
salinated to the point of almost
looking like salt flats.
Uh, and there's this constant smog
over sections of the world
from the vast hive cities that dot
its, uh, surface.
What a quaint little world.
They don't even have any oceans.
I thought you would like
that. No,
Lemuria is a city of great
industry built beneath the waves.
But I suppose
it's better than green hell.
Oh, green is
a good color. Jungles are great
colors for planets. Green-
Please board the Arvis
Lighter. Oh,
fine. Oh, right, we have to
get a new one since we lost one in
the previous encounter.
Lucky for you- Lucky for you, I bet-
Yeah, I think we do, do we?
Greetings,
Tech Priest Gamu
2-4, 2-2-4.
I could have just bet-
Okay.
Well, you won't have to be listening to that.
Give me an attack roll.
Sure.
Declaration, I kill him.
Damn!
I narratively declare
I win PvP, fucker.
That's right.
All of our glory. Jesus, okay.
Uh, you- you managed to, like,
like, immediately decapitate him.
Decapitate this- this poor servitor with a
seven to hit. Like, your power sword's just gonna
clean through this. And, like, the last thing that
happens when its head rolls on the floor is
it just lets out its identification.
Strom 12
B.
And then it dies.
You fought well, friend.
He didn't fight at all!
Greetings, Captain Zedek!
I am Servitor Yant 13,
dispatched automatically
from Tech Priest Gamu
with an addended message saying
I can do this all day.
I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY!
I presume I am held back by the others.
I'm just gonna karate chop him in the back of the head.
Like, oh yeah, like
Venutian Aikido style and just knock
him down.
I like- I have the imagination
that she just- that Gamu just has, like,
our, like, list of patrons and there's a
button and it makes one to deploy.
Yeah, and tell that little
skitari fucker to fuck off!
Boop! And then it just- it just
deploys from a wall.
And then it's just kind of like,
hello, shitface.
And then it dies.
Thanks to all our patrons for giving us
these names for Gamu 4224 to use.
Um, yeah, so
yeah, I'll say, uh, narratively
declaring a Venutian Aikido chop
to the back of a
pie brain, which causes him to momentarily
fall down long enough for you to get
in the Arvus lighter, which takes off
with Servitor Yant 13.
I'm mad
because, like, now I'm stuck with the
thought of re-leaning back
and then doing, judo chop!
Judo chop!
Yeah, it's probably a little sore for
just, like, karate chopping a metal
pillar.
Um, and
so we, like, kind of cut ahead
just a little bit to, to
um, brain systems
rebooting after being judo
chopped. And, like, we see
it's clearly inside the back of the
Arvus that is going through some atmosphere
as everyone else is strapped in.
Uh, we see outside, there's, like,
heavy, heavy cloud cover,
uh, and the Servitor Yant 13
approaching
Hive Zahkanin.
Yeah!
Well, I hope we survive
this one. Let's just hope there's no
tomatoes or anything to destroy us on the
entrance thing. Hey, Kempa,
you're doing great!
Just keep my flying brain plate
and just make sure he, make sure this one
doesn't try to kill us this time.
Loren, I'm certain that even though it's cloudy,
there is no chance of any meatballs flying at us.
I, are you sure about that?
And with that, with that, the, the
cloud cover parts, and
you're, you're traded to this, this
gray sky, and then from,
from down below, um, you see
a second layer of clouds
farther down from where you are.
That's, like, this grayish black
smog that seems to rise
out of almost, like,
dark crimson
industry at the base of
what can only be described as a
alabaster spire
that pierces the heavens.
And as you, you approach
this, this immense hive
spire, each of you can see
that it has this, like,
creamy texture to
it, and the way that the sunlight piercing
the clouds hit, hits it, it has
like this almost, like, glistening
moist appearance
as you get closer and closer.
Uh,
it's just like home.
Can, uh, can I
do, like, a check to see what, because, I mean,
we've already passed through the clouds. Yeah.
Is the, is the general atmosphere
under the clouds basically
the same as what we saw coming down? It's, like,
purple and hazy?
A purple haze, if you will?
Uh, you can see that the ground space
is primarily, like,
a dull purplish color,
but the, the buildings of
industry are all red, the, the spire
is, is, um, this white,
and you can tell that, like, it looks almost like
cratered landscape from what
little patches of the actual surface
you can see. Can I
do a scholar to, like,
check our systems to see why the
fuck this planet is purple?
Um, yeah, scholar
seems, scholar seems appropriate.
Hey Brain.
Hey Ron.
Why do you think this place is purple?
I think it is
purple on account of
all of the purple people
on it, maybe. Okay, um,
so with your, your check of five,
Reeb, what you would know is
that this looks like a planet that
has just gobbled
up its natural resources.
Like, it has,
it has sucked everything
out of the soil. It is, like,
there, the fact that the lakes are,
and seas are all, and oceans
are all just salt now,
and the fact that the ground
itself looks almost cratered compared
to the reports you had that indicated that this
was a lush and fertile world.
Uh,
Reeb's gonna lean over to Zedek.
Captain,
I believe I have, uh,
formulated a way we, uh,
to get a tithe, because
after all, what good are
cooks for an entire
station without a little bit of salt?
That's not
a bad idea.
I like the way you smart.
Approaching landing
position.
And you can see now
that you've reached very close to this,
this white spire, and
again, the sunlight kind of hits it on the
side, and it seems almost like it's,
it's moving in some way.
Like, the outer texture of
this spire, especially at its
highest points, undulates
slightly, and the, the
feeling quickly passes as you hit
this landing pad that's marked off.
It's often made of more of a traditional
ceramite compound with, uh,
little markings on
it in yellow script
that allow the Arvus to
land down, and as you, you
see this land down, there's an entourage
that awaits you.
Oh, not again.
Alright, this time, let's not
cause them to have a heart attack.
I slowly put away
the pistol I was going to shoot.
Please do not reach the
facility. We have landed, opening
your hatch.
Reba's pointing at Brain.
You keep that thing sheathed, or we're going
to have trouble.
I'll only take it out sometimes,
I promise. Sometimes it's
fine. All the time is not.
Just don't, don't say this stuff in public.
I begin to walk down the ramp.
I will quickly try to
put myself in front of Lorne, to be the
first ones to meet her.
We start, we start, like, racing
as he goes, like,
but then I let you win.
Lorne, please stop.
We're just power walking.
They're like, nah, I'm gonna win, I'm gonna win.
I get past you on the ramp, and then I
let you go. All the while, these dignitaries are
just thinking, man, these are really
fitness-minded ambassadors.
Yeah, and so
you, you come out onto the, um,
onto the landing platform,
and immediately
you hear this snap of attention
as you see these, uh,
these soldiers that are all in, like,
impressive
environment suits,
uh, holding these, these
intricate rifles, and they look
almost like, like, deep-sea diving
suits formed into armor.
Um, and they all come to attention.
Uh, they're, they're sort of
alabaster and golden armor
glistening in the, uh, in the sun.
And behind them are these,
these, uh, two figures that have
veils over their faces, also
in sort of this, this deep
white, though they have black embellishment.
And they stand farther to the
back. And then at the front of this
military host, there is
this, like, gaggle
of various dignitaries
all in, in similarly,
like, white and yellow
and black, uh, embellished, uh,
attire. And one of them,
she steps forward to
greet you. And I'm just gonna show
this part to you
here. Wa-bam!
I got really upset for a moment, Thurston,
because you described the environment suits, and I'm like,
did we forget that this, was there,
were we supposed to wear an environment suit?
Nope! Uh, the, the, the
atmosphere here is, is quite breathable
and such. Um, but as this, this
figure approaches, you see that all of the,
all of the, the sort of noble
dignitaries have these immense
sacks on their back.
And these sacks just,
like, have the consistency of, like,
very light
plastic. And inside you see, like,
dark crimson
liquid with bubbles slightly
sloshing around. And you can see
tendrils from these, these, uh,
this immense, like,
I guess you could say, bloody
backpack that snake into
the skin of this woman
at, uh, at regular points on her
body as she approaches
and sort of
waves her hands out in
greetings.
Thanks, Alpha.
I, I, I, I, Al Bozenek,
you're on.
Uh, oh, yes.
Well, hello. Allow me to
make my acquaintance.
Uh, we are
representing the Ufficio Ambassadorium.
I am Captain Zedek
of the Debt Collector. It's a pleasure
and an honor to meet you, Lady,
uh...
Why, hello there. My name
is Abathia Rubania.
And I am
so gracious to
receive those of you from
the Slimporium of the Big
Slimping.
I did... Oh, no.
Space rednecks.
Uh...
An honor to
meet you, Lady Rubania.
It has been some time
since we have seen some
come from the service of the
Great Big Slimping to our world.
Great Big Slimping.
The Big Slimping. Okay, okay.
Yes, it has been a
number of
millenniums since an imperial
has set foot here from the
Greater Imperium, and we...
Ah, yes, the Slimporium has
sent its ambassadors, and I
see even with you, you have
one from the Rowboat
Makinis.
The what?
The Rowboat Makinis!
And she takes her arms and sort of
pushes them in the direction of
Pybrain. Hello,
I am of the Adeptus Mechanicus
of Forgeworld Lemuria,
the Greatest Forgeworld.
Oh, I see that much
has changed in the Slimporium!
Yes, a lot has changed
in the last ten thousand millennium.
We can tell!
Your world is
bustling with culture,
and we would be delighted
to reacquaint you
with the wider imperial
flavor.
Oh, of course!
We are so glad that you
come from the Slimporium!
From the Great Big Slimporium!
We have prepared a feast, we have!
Can I, uh, GM?
Yes? I know I keep
doing this. Can I please call Medicaid
to see what the fuck is wrong with her back?
I like to assume that
Reeb's silence is just intense
study of this. Yeah, absolutely!
Give me a Medicaid check.
I'm distracting her with the parrot
on my shoulder while I'm trying to look
at the giant. Absolutely!
Pump. Absolutely!
Oh, terrific!
And you, so what did you get?
I got the, uh,
complication. Okay, okay.
What number is it? Remember to say your number
and what you got and all that. You got a five
and a complication. Five and a complication.
Okay, so you're gonna have a
general understanding, but I think
the complication will be probably
some kind of social faux pas
that you perform. Um,
can I, I wanna
suggest something. Okay. Since I was listening to you,
I wanted the parrot to distract her. Yes.
Does she think that the parrot is me?
What?
Good job puppeteering the parrot
that she doesn't really
register Reeb as Reeb,
but rather the parrot as Reeb.
Oh, oh, okay, okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what, let's go with that.
I like that too. Um, so I'll tell
you, you're like, like, identifying
this and, uh,
what you gather from the equipment
on her back is it's, it's some
kind of, like, blood filtration
system. Like, it's just
taking all of the blood
out of her system and storing
it on her back. Uh,
Oh, excuse me.
Um, and it's basically filtering
out any of the
Ah, I'm sneezing. Um, it's filtering
out any of, like, the, the
particularly,
um, I guess, like, useless
bits in her body as
well, but it seems to be taking
out a lot of blood. Like,
keeping it so that
she's just not
having the blood she should have in her
body.
What?
Alright, well, that's, that's a
problem for the future of me.
So you're saying if, if you punch her
in the back, you can literally punch
out all her blood?
Don't. I beg you.
I'm not, I'm not going
to. I'm just, I'm, I'm positing
And as you're watching this, Reeb,
you just say, well, how she
is, you're the cutest little one
as this, this mass of blood
sloshes towards you. And you're not even
looking at this woman, Amalthea
Rubania. Instead, you're looking at
this pack on her back. And as she
kind of trundles towards you,
you just are seeing the blood
inside slosh and little, like,
bubbles of movement happening.
You're just so focused on that.
You are so precious.
Oh, do you have a name?
And, and she starts stroking the parent.
Uh,
do I have to make, like, a roll to
get what's happening, or is Reeb kind of
aware of it? Because I, I have an idea, but
You, you run with your idea.
This is, this is your complication.
Uh,
Reeb's gonna, like, mime
out of the corner of his mouth.
Reeb Benhart!
Give me, give me a deception
check. Oh my god.
Okay, I,
I, I want to help him.
I, I, I want to help. Oh my god.
Okay. You're not, you're not
helping. You are not helping.
That's what someone
says just before he stops instead of
helping.
I want to cast Phantom Grip
on the bird.
And I want to try to help
puppet it for him
to where he can kind of, like, flap around
a little bit more and kind of, like, even, like,
leave his shoulder and be
more animated. Like, I'm, like, in the background,
like, whispering Gandalf style.
And I'm just, I'm making the bird, it's a
live as possible to
kind of help Reeb with his deception.
You want to, you want to go first with
that?
Yeah.
Yeah, sure, let's, let's do
that.
I want, and just to
make sure it happens so we can use his glory,
uh, guys, can I use four glory
die with this? Oh, remember, you
use the glory after you roll it, so roll it
then decide, yeah. Alright, Phantom Grip.
Yep. Okay.
I, I still want to use four to make it an
absolute success for everyone.
Absolutely.
Okay, and then, do, do, do, do,
alright, down four.
Okay, roll it up.
And I will roll the additional
four, I'm going to do this weird one, two,
three, four.
And that is going to be a
Wow, one extra. Nope, nope, yes, and just one
extra. So I got a five
total, which, for
the thing that I usually need, a difficulty
number, I needed a four, so I
succeed. Yeah.
So, how, how much of a
bonus has that given me, uh, GM?
Okay, um,
so,
uh, real quick,
I just gotta do one other thing here,
rolling the, rolling dice, okay.
That's a complication. So, no,
no, yeah,
um, luckily this one doesn't
complicate, but, uh, Lorne, as you're
doing this, like, you manage to, to
pull it off and perform the Psychic Grip, but you also
notice that there's
something pushing against your mind as you're
trying to do it. Like, something
is trying to perfect you from
casting.
Uh, but then you
manage to get it. But I feel a resistance.
There, there is something, some, some
kind of denial of service attack
happening. Uh, uh, Reeb, yeah,
uh, give me, give me your deception check, and
I will give you a bonus two
dice to it, based on, uh, Lorne's
chicanery. So I will
add two dice to my deception roll.
Yep. Direct denial of
sorcery. Peanut? Yeah.
Ah, for goodness sake.
Oh, so you're for deception. Chat
just gave us a whole bunch of glory, so we are back
up at full. So if you want to spend some of that.
Yeah, um, I'd like to, cause I don't think
three is going to be a sufficient roll, so I'm gonna
do it. Do five. Increase your chances.
Five? Are you sure? I'm okay with you doing five.
Alright.
This is a really important
bird. This is really important
that I convince this woman that I am a
parrot. Well, yeah.
This is of dire importance. Roll
it. Do it up.
Holy shit!
That's one, two, three, four,
five. So a total of
eight. Alright, yeah.
Oh!
This is such a majestic beast.
Uh, have
they been making these in the
Slimporium?
Ah, yes.
I'm, like, mimicking the entire time,
perfectly in sync with the talking beak.
Look at you, Luma.
You talk like a regular
hergaman does.
Bop!
Eggman!
Uh, I'm
hesitant to ask, but as this is all going
on, Pybrain, what are you
doing?
How?
How has Reed become a parrot?
Oh, it worked on him too good,
then.
How has this happened?
Are you taking, like, any notes of the
equipment? Oh, yes, I am,
actually. I'm quickly coming
out of my fucking trance.
As I look at the bird, I want to take note of
this diving equipment. And, you know, this
looks somewhat similar to some of the
things on my home world.
Might I roll tech to learn
more about this? You
absolutely may.
Yes.
Alright, so taking out my combi
tool, I'm analyzing what I see
before my eyes, and oh god.
Well, would you like to
wrath that? I will be wrathin' that.
Okay. We also have four
glory now, so.
Yeah, you can toss some glory in there if you want.
You might need, it's gonna be a DN5,
so you're gonna need one more success to get.
Okay. You're gonna spend, like, three glory
for it? Yeah. You know what, I'm gonna spend four
because I think this is more important than the stupid.
Okay.
Wow, okay.
Damn.
Alright. You got
one, two, three, four.
Yeah, you got all four of them.
So you're actually able to identify
this. The weapons that
we're using are very, like,
old, tried-and-tested-and-true
variant of a
las rifle. They are,
like, at least the majority
stock here, they look like a
Calabrax
5-1 pattern las rifle.
Which
is something that dates back to
the age of the Great
Crusade.
Oh, these are ancient
rifles I see before me.
And the armor is
like, it looks very,
like, diving-esque,
but you recognize it now
as a type of
carapace armor
that, like,
generally went by the title of
solar pattern void armor.
That was meant for, like,
humans to fight in basically any
environment.
This was back when the
Astra Militarum was
furnished with good gear.
Hmm.
Oh, this is incredible.
Miss Rubiania?
Why,
yes?
I cannot help but notice that you have
the utmost skill in your
creative gear. It seems as
though your forces are prepared to face
combat in any environment.
Well,
when, when,
when we were blessed back,
back long ago,
when, when the Golem Kings
descended from the skyline and
liberated our world, they granted
us the gifts of the great big
Slempik.
And you can still
produce them?
After so long?
Well, we, we, we have
many, many relics from, from
ages past. We, we produce very,
very few of these, uh,
these great marvels. Many of them
are simply the relics of, of
our, of our esteemed
marble compact.
But, but I...
Like, there's a pause.
She kind of ignores you and carries on.
But I assure you that, that we,
that we are able to
create when we need to.
We are not quite as
devout as you of the robot
makinis.
We of the makinis are
quite interested in your capacity
to create
these objects.
Well, ah, enough business talk.
We must go and eat.
Wait, no, wait. She says, and like, come now, come now.
And she turns her back, the big, like,
blood pack sloshing.
Come, we have such good
delectables for you to partake in.
I'm, I'm quite hungry, Brain.
Let's, let's discuss all this over dinner.
Well, okay, but we're
gonna talk about, uh, during dinner,
we just talk about this.
Maybe, maybe.
No, I grab, I grab, Zedek.
No maybes.
And you, and you, like, walk through the line of these,
these, um, immensely
armored, uh,
figures, and then, Lorne, as you
kind of take up the back, you get
this, like, slight pressure on you, on
your head as you pass the two figures with
the white veils over their faces.
And their heads sort of
just turn and watch you as you, uh,
as you pass by them.
You can tell they are looking at you.
I give them, like, I see you eye thing, like,
I point at my eyes, look at their non-existent seeing eyes.
Yeah. Absolutely.
If this planet wasn't Alabama,
it'd be really cool.
.
.
.
Damn.
Jesus.
.
It's not Alabama, it's alabaster.
.
.
.
As we move on.
Yeah, so you, you carry on
inside, and you go through,
uh, like, massive chambers
filled with, um,
filled with gold
and chairs that are made
of the finest silks, and as
you're carrying on through, you see more of these,
these marble walls and white,
like, stone, and
some of it seems to have the, again,
that undulating appearance to it,
like, shining under any
light source, and, and
Amalthea leads you, um,
eventually bringing you
to, to a great dining hall
where she waves her hands,
and, sit, sit!
Um, she kind of beckons you all to
sit down.
I will sit.
I will sit down at the table.
I will uncharacteristically sit next to Brain.
So about
this, uh, solar pattern void,
um, I'd very much like to
I do sit down here, here, and
have Zarkhan, and we do not discuss
business before we enjoy
some pleasure. Now,
I will have the first meals come
out, and, like, the, the servitors begin
to walk out. They're, they're gold,
clad, uh, servitors
with trays. Their skin,
not the gray standard you've
seen of servitors before, but
instead this, this pale
white skin.
Uh, and as, as they, they
sort of enter in, they
drop trays onto the
table, um, and it's a
variety of different foods.
You see, uh, white rices.
You see white sauces
in saucepans. You see
pastas of white.
Every food type that is being
dropped off is white.
Oh no, they follow the zone theory.
White.
Please eat.
White, please eat.
Yeah!
While all the food certainly
looks delectable,
is there a reason it's so
monochrome?
Wh-wh-wh-whatever
do you mean?
Well, as someone who has
lived the breadth of their life
in the wider Imperium, typically
we're used to food that is,
well, multivariate, multivariate
in color, but
we are, we are surprised,
but only pleasantly so, that the food
is so...
white.
We pay homage to the golem
kings from beyond the skyline
who came to our world
when they, they of the
blood wolves descended on this
world and brought us the world
of the great big slempig.
Okay, I lost.
I'll leave another read
going, I don't know
what the fuck's going on anymore.
Yeah, this summer, great rice pie says
putting it in a spoon and pretending to eat it.
You just kink, kink,
kink. It's like it's the same
spoonful, he just takes it out, puts
it back in, takes it out, puts it back in,
waits for her to look away, throws it on the ground.
Yeah, yes, GM Anthony.
Uh, can I
roll a Medicaid to see why the pasta is
so fucking white? Yeah,
absolutely.
I mean, can I do it on something that's actually supposed
to be like, neat, that's white?
Instead of the pasta, I did that mainly as a joke.
Yeah, you can like, you can
just analyze the food here, absolutely.
Do it very
easily, distractively.
You even get a glory point from this,
because as you start analyzing, you
realize that this is just excessively
well-cultivated food. Like,
they intentionally grow
all of this stuff. They only
eat white foodstuffs here.
Oh, that's bad.
Oh. And Lauren goes,
eh, what the hell? And I
immediately take a, take a
spoonful of some meat and eat it.
Oh, yeah. Can I quickly grab
Lauren's hand and just whisper to him,
Lauren, GMOs.
I kinda, I look him dead in the
face and still angle the other way, I go,
ahhhh. There's a,
there's a slightly, uh, rotund
man who's by Amalthea's side
who has, again, one of these similar
blood packs on his back, and
he, he takes a,
takes a look up
as, as you're sort of investigating
the food, uh, Reeb.
Well
then, sir,
you liking the food on this
here planet?
Uh, parrot time.
Ah, yes!
I'm still helping out.
Moving the bird, the bird's cutting,
I see what's hopping on the table,
and I'm just still, like, as I'm eating with one
hand, the other hand is kinda like, like, doing
psychic bullshit, and just like,
and just moving the
parrot around. Reeb's just
holding the phone. I'm, I'm just impressed
at all of you folk.
You look like you're strong
servants of the Slimporium.
It's been so long since
we had some servants of the Slimporium
come here. I even
noticed that two of your number are
equipped with sforags of
cut.
What?
Bird looks up expectively.
Well, that one
points to Piebrain, the, the
robo machinis,
and, and that one with the hair
points to Captain Zedek. Both
of them, I see at their hips when they
walked in here, they got the sforags
of cut.
Sforags
of cut. I
take out the, uh,
power sword.
God damn it!
Yeah, that's the one!
Yes, the
sforags of cut.
On my world,
we call them power swords.
Well, that looks like
much has changed in the past years
since the Slimporium blessed
us with the golden kings.
Put it back in.
Now, uh,
yes, and your planet, it is
much more purple than we expected.
It is beautiful.
Uh, by the way, lots of
great big craters.
Very purple.
And a mafia kind of thing. Why, yes,
you see, what we have done is we've taken all
the resources from the planet and put
them in the hands of the people,
namely us.
Ah, valuable call.
You seem like very
nice people.
Why, why, thank you. We try
to provide the best hospitality
we can.
Yes, and might I
say that the
accoutrements
are
exquisite mon
capitaux. And I'm like looking at Zedek's
etiquette book that I brought with me.
And it's clearly
called Etiquette by Captain Zedek.
No, it's called Zedekit.
I will spend my
Mark me down.
You want to spend
a wrath to do that?
Yes, please.
Okay, I make a narrative declaration with my wrath
point to make it Zedekit.
It's my wrath die.
It's Zedekit, and it's clearly
just you on the front in your heroic
pose with your hands on your hips.
Written by me.
I got one better.
Salad fork in his hand
and then like the soup spoon
in the other. Yes.
It's the standard
picture we have of him with the
arc pistol and the power sword. Just replace
the two.
Get on that Photoshop.
Okay.
So yeah, you start like pulling it out and reading.
I'm
hoping that our food meets up
to your standards. We are
very unsure of how things
are going in the
great Slimperum.
Oh, everything is great.
It's so good.
Are us here, man?
Still the, uh, the
dominant species in the
universe? Yes.
Except for all of the
other ones, but we are bigger.
That's good. That's what the great big
Slympic promised us.
Yes, the Omnissiah and the
Slympic are in agreement.
I kinda, I elbow
Captain Zedek and Eleanor.
Should we, uh,
should we begin the negotiations
at this point?
Yeah, at this point most of you are finishing up your food.
Fucking white
pasta. I put my hand on
Zedek's shoulder and I start to crunch.
Too tight, too tight!
Oh, sorry. And I put it right back on
and I start crunching again. These people
These people are sitting on
a secret that could aid
the quest for knowledge.
The Omnissiah who has chosen you
as one of his two
champions on this ship requires
that knowledge.
We must do everything
we can to make sure their
secrets are not lost.
I'm aware that
they have very valuable technology,
Brain. And we'll get to that.
That could be part of the time.
Could you please stop
breaking my clavicle? Oh, I see that
you've finished your meal. Excellent,
excellent. Now it is time for us
to go. We will take
you to your apartments where you may rest
for the evening and we will begin
formal negotiations
tomorrow. Okay,
that sounds so good. Um, can
before that, can I see where
you produce the, um,
the solar pattern
Voidama? Brain, Brain,
not right now. There must be
business tomorrow. You must first
enjoy our hospitality
tonight. Come.
Some of our troops will escort you to
your apartment.
I do declare that
sounds like a spring
chicken. I say
Closing Zetiquette before putting it
back into my... Closing
Zetiquette, goddammit!
Yeah, um, and she
turns and like the blood bag on her back
sloshes a bit and then
some of those solar-armored
white alabaster soldiers come
out and they motion
for you to follow and holding their
las rifles they walk you down
a series of corridors
to an elevator. The elevator
comes to activation as you go inside
it. Uh, the guards stay outside
and they, they just sort of nod. It will
take you to the apartment.
And there's a second and then
the elevator closes,
stops and it opens up into
a hallway
and you can see that it's
a maybe
ten foot wide hallway
and there's doors open to the
to the right and the left
and through like just like exploring
the immediate area it seems you've been
finished with an entire floor
on this spire, uh, that includes
like a small medical room
with three beds on it
uh, several, two offices
uh, two joint
communal sleeping rooms
you know, lavatory
and yeah, a large conference room as well.
The fuck? Wow, they uh
they went all out, I guess.
I like these people, except for all the parts
when they open their mouths and then I hate
them. But I do like
their culture of having nice
things.
You know, Brain, I can't say I disagree
with you. For once.
This is remarkably
well furnished. I'm not
used to this level of opulence.
Where's all the hard edges? Where are the skulls?
It doesn't have to be all macabre and
It's entirely non-Gothic too.
Like, now that you've got a much
better look at their interior,
they do not have that Gothic
aesthetic.
I have seen rooms like this only
once before, in the inner
sanctums of the Forge world.
It is pretty
dope.
I haven't seen an apartment
this nice since we were in the
Upper Spires many, many years ago.
I'd like to point out that they decided
to call this an apartment, but not a
luxury suite for their esteemed
guests.
It seems
they can't afford
higher luxuries for
people of our stature, but
we will make do. Did they give us
room keys?
What is that noise?
You hear what sounds like the breaking
of glass? Like, you're all in this conference
room, and from the other side
you hear what sounds like glass breaking.
Who was that?
I was hearing footsteps
and this dragging sound
approaching. I'm going to go
look after where the source of this dragging
noise is coming from.
Yeah, I'll be going with Brain.
Oh, sorry, was that Reeb?
Reeb is just looking around.
He's just going to mutter to himself.
I'm going to follow along and see what's up.
Okay, so Reeb, you kind of stay
back a little bit, and then the rest of you
start advancing towards
the noise.
As you do
so, you're
quickly stopped as a
group of figures
stands right
in the sort of stairs
leading down into the conference room
that you found yourselves in.
And we're going to switch to
this scene real quick,
but then we're going to take our first
break of the evening as a
trio of creatures
hunchback, like
crimson-stained human-
like figures with massive
boils all over their bodies
look up at you, one of them
holding what clearly is a spear with a
syringe at the end, others holding
like lasguns, some of
them just aped over with boils
covering eyes, and they just
sort of look at you with these wide
eyes. And this is where we're
going to take our first break.
Before that,
I would like to say thanks, Alpha.
Good, good.
As they're sliding up towards
us, I'm like, nice to
meet you, and I'm like, I'm going to blow
a point at those and go, what the fuck?
What the fuck are those?
And I'm immediately casting
something.
Oh, what are you casting?
Molten beam.
Wait, wait, wait.
We don't know of the enemies!
I'm going to try to take his hands down.
You literally see my hand go,
and you hear just some Iron Man
pooooooo.
These people
could be bio-freaks.
Okay.
Well, they could be bio-friends.
Slightly.
Slightly goes down.
And the group of them kind of approaches up
towards you, getting
fairly close.
And, yeah, you can
see there's probably
four of them in the
immediate area, sort of
two of them coming down the steps, and then
another two behind.
One of them with sort of beady eyes and holding
a lasgun in the front just sort of looks
and goes,
you're here and
you need to
check your blood.
What?
What?
We need to check your blood.
Now you don't.
No.
We need to check your blood.
Tim's going to do it.
And he points back to the guy holding the syringe stick
that sort of thumps it on the ground.
That's the syringe of retrieval
and we're just going to give you a little
poke with it to make sure your blood's good.
And then we'll be on our way.
Does anyone else have like a gun? Any of them?
Oh yeah, like two of them have lasguns
in the front.
What pattern?
More standard
variety, like a mass produced
pattern. Older, like still an
older type, but clearly like a mass
produced.
Hey, GM.
Can you guess what I'm going to
ask?
Can you medicate them?
Can I do a medicate to
see what the fuck their problem is?
Absolutely.
You can give me a medicate.
What the fuck?
I want to medicate Alpha's brain.
Okay, yeah.
We're now matched on Glory with that role.
Glory seems to be a common role
for me today with medicate.
Alright, so yeah, you can definitely
yeah, this GM's such a
tyrant. I see how it is.
Okay, so
you were able to tell that these
are baseline humans.
But they have received modifications
or intentionally
basically updated
themselves with
like to keep as much
blood in their body as possible.
Like they are literally
walking
like blood sacks to
an extreme. Like these boils on
them are meant to contain as much
blood in them as possible.
Is there a point to
that? Can I discern a point or are we
just going with because... That's you.
You can't discern
any social reasons without
asking them, but that's what they're
medically doing.
Can I
as a... These guys don't
look like doctors. I don't feel like I'm going to have
any sway and I don't think my... Again, my
inquisitorial emblem means absolutely... You know
you're taking your time there, but
we gotta poke you with the... Tim's got the stick
there and he wants to poke you.
Can I ask why?
Well, what do you mean why?
It's not common for us
in the Slimperium
to have this
done to us. Oh, good, so you're from
the Slimperium. Good, that makes things easier.
Well, you see, we're the blood-backed.
We're the followers of the bloody
ones, the...
the Golem Kings from beyond the skyline
and, well, we think that
you being here is a return of
the Golem Kings, but in order to make sure
you're the right return, we need to make sure you possess
the correct amount of blood. So
just to make that work, Tim's gonna give you
a little poke, we're gonna make sure that the blood
is good, and then we'll be on our way.
One thing before
we submit to a blood poke,
and because we definitely
will... I guess I'll deception on that.
Okay. Oh my god, it's a four.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
They seem to be buying a little bit of what you're saying.
We definitely will submit to this,
but just for
curiosity's sake, not saying
we will, of course, but suppose that
we do not meet the check, what is your
then next course of action? Just so
we can be clear on things.
Well, we gotta make sure that
you make the check, otherwise we're just gonna
have to take all your blood for ourselves, cause
that's what we do. Gotta make
sure that, you know, that
we can get as much blood as possible
so the Golem Kings will be happy with us.
There's a lot that we
try to take, but the heretics of
foul suckage, they just, they try to
keep us down. I lean over
to Reeb going, cannon's ready.
Keep it ready,
I don't like this. So, um,
hmm,
I'll tell you what.
Okay.
Uh,
for the moment I'm looking
through my
Oh, um,
so I know this, I know I have absolutely
no idea what this'll do.
Okay. At least in terms of these guys.
But I would like to have
Reeb go forward, but
if I may, may I
stealthily brandish a
syringe of Stim?
Just hidden in
my cufflink somewhere.
Give me a stealth check for that, sure.
Oh, good. Uh, now there's only
a meter separating Lorne and
Pybrain from these things, like
they appeared right at the doorway. Oh my goodness,
four glory. There's another glory.
We're capped out.
So many glories, good gravy.
Yeah, so you're like right
in front of this guy with your syringe.
But it's, is it hidden?
Oh yeah, yeah, they don't seem to, they seem
more interested in you, like, oh good, you're coming
up here now, we can have Tim give you the poke
and we'll check.
Can I give
Tim the
jab of the Stim syringe, please?
Tim is further back, he's holding it,
and there's like two of them in front of you in the doorway.
So here, I'll give you a
view of the tactical situation.
Oh, shite.
Right here.
Right, good.
Uh, so I would like
to give...
Who's the one talking
to us? Is the one talking to us, was it Tim?
This one right here. No, this one right here.
Yeah.
So, again, just cause I have no
idea what this is going to do, but there's so much
blood in them that it's gonna do something.
I'm gonna give him the Stim jab.
Oh, okay, so you're gonna
like surprise him and
Well, I'm gonna, if I can sneakily
jab him, I'd like to do that.
I wanna sneakily
syringe him. Okay, give me a weapon skill test.
Alright. Uh, gentlemen,
can I take, uh, two of our
dice? Absolutely. Go ahead.
Gotta go.
Yep, here we go.
So here's the weapon skill test. Normally,
I mean, that's still pretty damn base. Nice.
And then two more. Yeah.
Uh, one. Nothing else.
But, uh, still, still more than enough
to hit, so, yeah, you
you smash into this thing. What are
you, uh...
So you're just like loading him up with Stims?
My, my intention is...
Well, I'm
going to reveal my plot now. Reeb was doing this
because he wanted to see what would happen.
Uh, but I'm going, I'm assuming
that because Stim is like a really
like, it's a very
hyperactive kind of drug, like it makes you
very active,
I'm really not sure what effect
this'll have on a giant
man filled with blood.
Let's find out.
Let's have him make a
toughness test.
Oh.
Ooh, that's a one.
Ooh.
What happens now?
Well then, I, uh,
it's alright. I think, I think
it's a good day to, uh, oh,
don't you know, uh, Tim, you gotta
poke this one. You think he's got good blood in him?
Oh yeah, you should go poke him.
Move out of the way there, uh,
Tim, you go up. Hold
on a second! And Tim, like,
looks at you with these, like, wide eyes
holding the syringe. Uh,
now with this done, since, is he
like, actually tweaking like crazy?
Uh, yeah. Oh yeah.
Can I, I'm gonna
do one last deception,
if that's, if that's, if that's allowed?
Okay, sure.
Uh, what do you mean, take our blood?
You already did it, my friend.
Oh god, okay.
You're going a bit too fast,
my friend. We've already had our blood checked.
Okay, gimme, gimme a check.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
It's a four. Uh,
what do I need? Do you wanna
spend more? Uh, I would say that this
is a bit more difficult. This would require a five.
Can I assist him? We have four
glory left. He can spend, like, three.
Let's save one just in case. I will,
I will pull,
I'm gonna be careful
and pull two.
Okay.
2d6.
Not enough!
Can I
wrath that?
I will allow you to click the re-roll,
sure. It doesn't re-roll the glory,
but I'll, I'll be beneficent and let you
re-roll the one fail.
Oh!
So total six.
Oh, I guess we did, didn't we, Tim?
Did we?
I don't think we did.
What about this one? And he kind of, like, points
the syringe towards Pi Brain.
This one's blood.
He's got red cloak.
It means he has bitter blood.
You are an idiot.
I will tell you this.
Two things, and then
if you touch me, there will be bad
things that happen. Okay.
Number one. Are you working
with the, what was her name?
Uh, Ruber, what was the,
what was the lady's name? Ruber?
Ruber.
Lorna.
Lorna.
Or no, not Lorna.
I was like, yes, Lorna!
That was her name. Oh god.
What the hell was that creature?
Rubania!
Rubania. Are you involved with
Lady Rubania, or opposed
to Lady Rubania?
Oh, you're talking about,
uh, here takes a foul suckage.
We don't, we don't deal with them. They're our enemies.
Oh yeah, they're your enemies. Why?
Well, because,
because they take the holy blood out of them
because they believe in the other substance.
What is the other substance?
The other substance.
Well, yeah, the other substance.
The white?
The white.
Well, they take the blood out of them
so that they got more of the white in them.
It's anemia.
They worship anemia.
Yeah.
So, why, uh, are you
opposed? Why can't you live in harmony?
Well, because
we, we believe
in the old
bloody ones, don't you know?
What are some of the old bloody ones?
Well, they were, they were
the big golem kings that came from the skyline.
And they wore red, and they,
they told us to appreciate the blood.
I see. But...
But you see, they, they, they worship
the other side of them. The marble
compact. They, they believe in the white.
And what is the white?
Well, all, all,
all the haughty and
think they're so noble and so smart
like they can rule over everyone.
I see.
Then it appears
to me that I must be the one
to bridge your gap.
What do you mean?
For I am not one of
red blood, nor am I
one of white. I
come bringing the word of
the Omnissiah, and I
unscrew my hand with black
blood, and I let oil drip
onto the floor. Reem's gonna step
out of the way.
I will, uh... Marn gets in position.
I am the one
who will bring peace to your
lands.
And there's like this shout, and Tim
reaches back with the syringe and goes to stab
it at you. Like, just this
absolute heresy that you have
undone on him. Uh, do any of you
want to spend a glory to act in
the surprise round as he goes
to stab?
Can I at least make a check?
Doing the hand sign for Lorne to do his thing.
Lorne immediately wants, I wanna
immediately spend a glory point.
Yeah, sure.
Lorne, go ahead and make some black pudding.
Okay, I got it.
Alright, what is...
So here's... I didn't switch the thing.
Um, what is the blast
template that I need
for my beam?
Okay, so that's a
medium blast,
and since we aren't using the
like, ridiculous
rules of giant templates
because my god, um,
it has a radius of three
squares. For fuck's sake.
Yes, so you would, like,
in a close quarter area, if you
are intending to use it,
you would, like, have to, like,
basically put it, like, there.
You would have to target it here.
So everything is in a line,
and... No, no, no, it's a line
that goes out and then explodes
in a blast. So it's
basically like D&D
Fireball. You
shoot out the little P and then it explodes.
In this case, it's a line,
um, but if
the line hits anything,
um,
targets struck by the
beam, um,
blah blah blah blah blah
Yeah, it's like, beam instantly travels across
a straight line for ten meters in the direction you choose.
Striking targets using a medium blast.
Yeah. Yeah.
You know what I want to do.
You want to navigate it here
so it, like,
hits all of them. Okay.
Are you, are you, uh, overpowering
this, or are you just making a basic, like,
psychic test for this?
Hmm...
That's the...
That's the thing, isn't it?
I had...
Does it pass through? Does the impact
explode? It...
It, um...
Theoretically, I think it, like,
impacts and
explodes... Like, travels along for ten
meters, striking targets using
a medium blast. So I think it lands at the
point and then blows up. So...
We're gonna go with that for now, and then we'll
figure life out later. So...
And I will not be
overpowering myself, cause, just
in case, and I'm pretty sure this thing will do enough
damage to just annihilate things.
So, first off, I need to
basically go against their...
Their defense, which...
Yeah. Which is, I'm going to
spend a wrath, which Chat was
able to give me one, just to re-roll
all of that stuff. Sure.
Give me a six. Okay. So I should be
able to do
very well on that. That will hit.
I was hoping to boost some more,
but... Don't have any...
Any exalted dice, so you can't shift
anything. No. But I do nineteen damage
total for the blast.
Yeah. Yeah.
So you're... You're just... You just,
like, cook all of these.
They all, like... There's
this blast of energy that goes out
and it pops in the air, and then they
all, like, melt into these puddles
of steaming, uh, steaming
blood that... That curdle on the
floor. I kind of...
I tie off my, uh...
You know, kind of wipe off some possible
blood dust off of me. And, um...
Hold on. Nooooo!
And then
one of them comes out from behind the cover.
And, like, looks up and
sees, like, Lorne's hand with the psychic
energy. Nooooo! And takes a shot at
you, Lorne. Oh, of course he will.
He's north of us, by the way.
But where is he being?
Do you and Alice want to spend a
glory point to stop him from killing me?
I'll spend a glory point. I'd like to suit up. Thanks.
Uh, I'm just gonna
take a big ol' shot with my arc pistol.
Uh, so you... Yeah, yeah,
yeah, okay. So, yeah, spend a glory point. Okay.
So you see him run in. I'll allow
you to, uh, to take a shot with your arc pistol.
Overwatch. Yeah.
Glory overwatch.
Gloverwatch. You wanna spend
a wrath die to reroll it, just in case?
I...
Yeah, I do. Okay.
Good. Oh! Or not!
Oh, okay. I assume you still hit him.
You'll still hit. You'll still hit.
Roll damage.
Boom. That's 14
damage. Minus one AP.
Um...
I'll knock
off... Actually, a determination roll.
That's what I'll do.
Let's see here. That's just a toughness
test.
Will he survive?
Minus
four! So he takes
three, so he's up... He still has
two left.
And then he...
I did what I could! He shoots you!
He shoots you, Loren! Oh, actually...
Okay, okay. Yeah, go ahead.
He shoots you with the lasgun.
Pew. Mm-hmm.
Will three hit you? So that...
That'll also be a complication.
Thanks to chat. God damn you,
chat.
Alright, I'm gonna... A three will
hit. Okay, I'm gonna roll...
I'm gonna roll damage real quick, just to see
what happens there. See how I die.
I'll do nine points of damage to you.
Cool, so...
Nine is three, and I now have to
go ahead and make myself a determination
thing, in hopes...
To see how much damage. To see how much
I'm going to just fall to the ground.
And I make none
of them, so I take full three damage.
As this, like,
lasbolt sears on you, and then I
get a 23 for my combat
complication, which is out of
ammo. So he comes out, fires his
lasgun in this, like, blast
of red, like, flashlight
energy, and then clicks again, and it
just makes this click-click sound as he looks
down at it. It's a flit-lat.
A flit-laz.
He starts taking more lasers
and starts putting it in the barrel and
stuffing it in. Oh no!
Oh no, that not good!
Um, and then,
in the final part of the surprise round,
another
one comes out.
Dear Pybrain...
Dear Pybrain...
I like how you're like,
doesn't shoot me, why would it ever shoot
Lorne? It does shoot Pybrain.
Excellent.
Wow, don't be, don't be
too...
Holy shit!
Holy shit! Shirts you with a
six! Um, so
I believe that also allows
me to shift one, which I will do for
bonus damage dice. Though I'm
pretty sure this won't do anything to you.
But let's find out. Uh, no, it does
eight points, which I think just bounces harmlessly
off of you. Yeah, just
Yeah, but, but we still
get the critical effect, so
uh, let's see what my critical is
with this lasgun that hits you.
These are not troops, by
the way. I'm, I'm treating them as higher
so they can crit you. Um...
Uh, so that is
ooh, vicious vivisection.
Uh, the flurry of blows causes horrific pain.
So dissecting pieces of
the foe's body in a scene of carnage.
Alright, so what happens is this one comes out and
manages to shoot just as you've taken off your
arm and have the, the oil
going out, and the flashlight
hits right in there.
Um, and you
take
1d3 mortal wounds.
Also, that one also needs
to be a complication. Oh my gosh!
I hate you people! I mean, I love the people
where you have to please me. There's two of them queued up,
man. That's great. Wait, if it was a
complication, then it wouldn't have been
a critical hit.
Uh, I think
we should allow the critical hit, just
because... Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, great. I would
take a complication so Thurston never crits.
That's right, that's right.
Um, okay, so you'll take 1 mortal
wound, and then the next thing I do will be a complication
guaranteed. But you guys get to go now. Regular initiative.
Now, can I, uh, can I roll to soak
a mortal wound or no? Uh, no.
Uh, only demons can do that. You're not a
demon.
Only demons can do that, shithead.
These people are
demons. Fuck you, peasant!
As he, like, stands over the
charred remains of, uh,
of his friends, like,
the blood boiling in the air. He also,
as he shoots at you, he just inhales
the bloody vapors, like,
Ooh, Dirty Scootney!
I will bring
peace to you, peace of
the grave!
Who would like to go first?
Yeah, I already went with my glory.
We're into, that was the surprise
round, because you had two Jekylls gloried.
So now it's anyone can act whenever.
I thought Exotic should go!
Like, I can begin
the cast, but, uh, Reeb hasn't
got to do a thing, or, uh,
or Hobbits. I vote for those two to
go first. I'd like
to let Pie go, because I just did, like, a
barrage of checks to try and get us out of
the situation that ultimately failed.
Sure! Because Pie's trying to pee
on them. Do I see anybody
here? Uh, so you're gonna move up to there?
Yeah. Uh, so as you do,
you do go through a, uh, a
threatened area,
and it takes a stab at you with bayonet,
which is gonna do nothing, just
watch.
What? No, it's
four, but it's gonna complicate,
so... Yeah, it does
have defenses for him.
Yeah, it will hit.
Oh, that's right, yeah, in combat it's
five, because you're friggin' weird, but
43.
So, that's, uh, that's
no good, so in combat of 43
is, uh, his
weapon gets stuck, so his lasgun, he
goes to stab you and, like, embeds it
in the side of the ground, like, at the start of the
steps, and he's like, oh no, it's stuck in the ground!
Alright,
do I see any other ones of these
creatures? Nope.
Alright, then.
Well, then, time to
get cooking! I'm going
to start cutting this mantle
to ribbons!
Give me an attack roll.
With
five, do I do it?
Uh, a five is
more than enough to do it, and you don't even
have to roll, well, actually roll damage, you could
terribly fail, I suppose. Yeah, so I'm
going to roll up with a
putting my foot down on the blade that came
down, bringing my
arm around to 13 damage
at AP minus three across this man's
midsection. Uh, he just dies.
He just dies.
I'm stuck.
Oh, also, uh, mark me down a rune
point, I forgot when I used determination
on this one. Ah, yes, yeah.
Yeah, uh, okay, cool, so that's your
go, I will go with the other one, who
will spend a move action to
reload, uh,
then shoots at Captain Zedek,
because Captain Zedek shot
him.
It was merely a morning shot, it just
happened to hit him.
Uh, two doesn't hit you, does it?
Uh... Your defense is two.
Yes, correct. Ah, but would you count it?
As being in cover from the table?
No, because I didn't count the bloodbath
as being in cover from the arch-pistol.
Well, that sucks for you, Zedek.
Pew-pew! And then I do eight
points of damage to you, which I
think is, like, your resilience, so
you take one shock.
Cool. And that's, that's him.
Uh, I would like to return fire on
him and fry him to death.
Please, please roll your attack.
With gusto.
Oh my god!
He's going to die! Would you like to
shift two of those to more damage?
Sure!
I think he's going to die either way, but why not?
Captain Zedek rolled a seven, and two of those
dies were sixes, which means he can now bring this up
to additional damage.
Or he will roll
no bonus dice.
You'll kill him.
You hit him with the
arch-pistol to chest, and he staggers back
the energy blast
like sizzling off
and popping some of his bloody
pustules as he falls down dead.
Give the man
a heart attack.
Nice.
I think we're
now ready.
Excellent job, everyone. Uh, Reeb,
can I, uh, get a little help here?
Ah, yes, of
course. Reeb
is just kind of eyeing the, the body
of the big bulbous red man
as he strides over to, uh,
Lauren to medicate him. Sure.
Well, yeah, well, watch this be the one
that's complicated.
Or you'll roll an 11.
Wow!
Uh, yeah, yeah, Lauren, you're back to full.
Nice.
Once again, it's like old man cracking
limbs, and, yeah,
you're golden.
I guess I'll walk over to Pybrane
and see if I can help him put his hand back on.
I'm just kind of
screwing it back before I
blow out, like, the little fires that started
going up.
I was so happy! I wanted to bring
peace to these awful people,
and maybe get them to stop being
so awful and fleshy
and disgusting.
But I suppose we'll just have to
kill them all. Oh, Brain,
peace is the greatest lie of all.
You said it.
Can I put that on a t-shirt?
Okay, um,
yeah.
You can find that in chapter 12.
God damn it.
So with that, with that
lovely lie, we, we
have a brief fade to black,
and we cut to shortly
thereafter when our heroes
have met up with Amalthea
again in sort of the noble quarter,
having
approached her after being attacked
by whatever those things were.
She is greeting you in a
large open balcony that
leans over the side of the alabaster
hive spires.
High stakes billiard
negotiations, huh?
Why, hello there.
Um, I've heard that there has been some
trouble transpiring in your apartment.
I, I do apologize.
Yes, we were
attacked by some pernicious
pustules who wanted to take our blood.
Oh! Do not
incorrectly associate
pus with those foul
bloodbats!
Eh? What?
Okay.
Uh, she
kind of like, tuts and breathes. I apologize.
I apologize. Dude, the
bloodbats are a problem. They are
a pest and a menace on this world
with their incorrect beliefs.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
You have
nothing but pus inside of you,
and you've kept that in,
and you've extracted your blood
back onto your back.
Obviously.
We, we
espoused the great belief
of, of the blood
wolves who came here in
the, the Golem Kings in their
shining white armor.
We, we attempt to be like
them. I roll the
termination.
Blurgh!
Blurgh!
It's like Lauren
vomits somewhere.
So? Well,
you guys are at least
lucky to know that because of my Medicaid check
that I rolled on the food, that it's not
pus, it's just food that's been cultivated
to look white.
Very good.
This is...
But I believe now is the time for negotiations,
now that you have dispatched the
foul blood back.
Yes.
So, touching
back to the matter at hand,
you've
are no doubt aware that you have
fell behind on your ties to the
Imperium for the last, oh,
ten thousand years?
I do believe
there is a matter of some
owing to the great Slimporium, that is
correct.
You are the, you are very astute, you are
very knowledgeable.
I am the representative of
the great Marble Compact, the
lords over half Zarkennan and
all halves on this world.
Well, I can see
why they chose you. Such a
robust and charming,
uh, how do they say,
uh,
burug,
frog, yes, it's a very
high Gothic word. Are you familiar with the term?
Well, I'm not familiar with
many of your, your new-fangled
terms in your modern
Slimporium, but I
trust that the Slympic has sent you here?
Yes. Yes, he has.
Why must you say so?
In fact, we are direct,
under direct orders from the, uh,
Slympic to
bring you back into the fold, and
after seeing what your world has to
offer, we must
of course talk the manner of that
said very same debt.
Now, granted that it has
been well over ten millennia
since you've contributed to the
Imperial cause,
certainly that,
that recompense is
astronomical by most means,
but it is likewise
on our part for not reaching out sooner
like the good neighbors across
these myriad stars that we should have
been. As such, we're willing
to look past the level
of debt
per se that you are owing us.
Well, that is very
kind of you, great ambassadors
of the Slimporium, because
we have nothing left.
What do you mean, you have
nothing left? Well, you see,
after the first millennium
since the Slimporium contacted
us, we used most of our
natural resources to build our
great hive cities in the
honor of the great Slimpig.
But after that, well,
we had to keep growing up, because
that is what we were told by the Slimporium.
So our cities kept
growing higher and higher, and then
well, we of the Marble Compact
realized that those spires,
the tops of those spires, must be
marble and white in the
great honor and tradition
of the Blood Wolves, Golem
Kings. So we decided
that we would find other means
of resource management
and gathering.
And what
are those means? Do tell,
Lady Rubenia.
Well, we have gathered
resources from wherever we can.
We have taken from
everything from this world, and
well, once we were done with this world,
the only way we could get
the resources necessary for these
great walls, and she's like, taps
the white wall, like the alabaster
white undulating wall. Well, we had
to take from our people in small
doses over these millennia to
build up this great, great capital.
Zedek's kind of parsing what she's
meaning by this, and...
Yes? Yes, Reeve?
Would you like to Medicaid
the walls?
As a, as a, um,
as a, as a, you know,
totally, totally
non-permissive GM, I will allow this.
I'm sorry,
Hulki, by the way.
I need this dispelled fast, or
I'm going to have a problem.
Oh, no, don't worry, I am right there with you.
Just keep distracting
her while Reeve goes off and etches a little bit
of the wall off so he can look at it.
With his, uh,
with his, no doubt,
impending complication, or an 11-4
against 11!
Alright, we'll get,
we'll, let's, let's put a,
let's put a little cap in this, everyone.
Reeve goes off to the side to study the walls.
Um, Zedek, you're
continuing negotiation. Pi and Lorne,
are you, like, backing Zedek up in these
talks? What are the two of you doing? We'll start with
Pi, what are you doing? Pi is
just analyzing things.
He is taking this
all in, and he is
thinking to himself of a strategy.
But he is waiting for
there to be a appropriate time for him
to pull Zedek aside, or to interject.
Okay, absolutely.
Absolutely. Um,
Reeve? Oh, sorry, no, Reeve. Lorne?
What are, what are you doing during this?
I'm playing on my Voxboy, just not
paying attention.
All this
politicking stuff is boring!
I'm multitasking
several things right now, but it's like, that's pretty much
what I'm doing. And I'm like, yeah, whatever, just tell me when
I need to blow something up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, um, so yeah,
Zedek, yeah, she's,
she sort of, like, looks at you and
continues her conversation.
So, as I say, we do not
have much. We can offer
a paltry sum of
soldiers, but our material
is much depleted.
Most of what we have left
now is enough to barely support
this world, I dare say.
I raise my hand.
Remember the salt.
Why, yes, divine servant of robot
machinies!
Hmph.
I am an emissary
of the Golem Lords.
Well, uh, um, yes, if you
serve the great Slimperium. We do.
And I'm here to tell you that
you have done a really great
job, but now it is bad.
You
must change your ways
as the Slimperium
has changed.
As you
change, you change.
Look.
Shut up. You need to
stop this horseshit. No one
cares. And I point at the spires.
And instead,
you need to become
normal.
Because this is
crazy, dude.
Whatever do you
mean normal? Yeah, shit's fucked.
I go back to playing. I
unscrew my hand
and I reveal
the oil.
She looks at him.
Oh, uh,
I suppose you truly are
servant of the robot
machinies. I am a
servant of the Omnissiah.
And I tell you
this. You have much to offer
the Imperium.
So few people have
access to the weapons of war you
have reserved from the great
Tyrian before. You may
offer them to us as a great
boon against your payment.
But it
becomes clear to me that
over your centuries of
survival, you
have done goofed, ma'am.
Well,
I think
that we have done fairly well
for ourselves in keeping Hubsar
Cannon and then this world. It is a great
place, but now it is stupid
and it must be changed.
What he means by that
is that your ways,
although they are cultural
and wonderful and traditional,
are outdated
by Imperial standards.
Such is your
resource plight. But
as he said, you still
have much you can offer the
wider Imperium and
the Slimper
himself.
Your world, though dry and desolate,
is filled with
salt and machinery that has been
lost to the eons.
Surely, if you are planning
to leave this world to the beasts
as it is, you could afford
to forego that or yield
your secrets and technology unto
us so that we may
enrich the human cause
and forestall your
extinction.
I suppose there's
one small thing that may be of
interest to you that might be worth something
to the Slimperium.
What?
Um, well,
there once
was an outpost
of the rowboat
machinies
in the lower levels of Havzak
Hannon. A small
outpost where they had
some of their agents working.
They went by some
different name back in those times,
some kind of Mechanius.
Mechanium! That's it!
It's the Mechanium!
DM,
do I need to roll
Scholar to know anything about
the Mechanium?
Um, you can give me a Scholar test,
absolutely. Okay.
Because I feel like Pi
is probably more knowledgeable than the average
person. I just don't know what
precisely he knows.
Uh, and with that
roll, that's three successes!
I mean, you'd know enough,
like, enough basic history of the
Adeptus Mechanicus to know
prior to that, during the ages of
the Great Crusade, they were known
as the Mechanicum, which sounds an
awful lot like this, which means
this would be some kind of installation
from 10,000 years ago
of the
Mechanicum, which would mean
the tech would be pretty impressive.
Yes, that would be
great, Boone.
All that information and
knowledge from the era
of the Mechanicum.
Yes. But there is
still the small issue of your awful
stupid culture, and your
dumb, stupid brain.
Brain?
I pull him back, like,
look, brain,
Voxboy. Like a Voxboy?
Yeah, beat this level for me.
I will
re-enter the conversation. We
will have to discuss the nature of
your riven society at some
point, as well as the
circumstance of your
bio-augmentations, as
they may not necessarily... Tiny bit closer to your mic.
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just dumb.
We will have to discuss the nature of your
bio-augmentations and your
clearly divided society
and your planet being
virtually dead already at some point,
but I assure you,
look into the
vast,
deliciously salty resources you have
available, and we may consider that as part of the
tithe while we investigate
the mecanium
in the lower levels of the hive.
Amalthea claps her
hands together. Oh, well, that sounds
absolutely charming. I will
let you go off. I will provide you
the coordinates into the lower half
of this installation, and you may
go and you may investigate, and I
will prepare quotas
of salt tithes
to satiate any needs.
Wonderful.
Also, could you look into the
technology that you have,
such as the
effluent
sacs on your backs, as well as
the weaponry that your guards were using?
I'm sure our
robonium
companion would greatly
appreciate that. Yeah, I
need to know how you're making that stuff.
Oh, of course, I will
leave this up to
you. I
will go speak with our
biologians, and, uh,
this is an excellent day. I'm glad
we can come to an agreeable
settlement. And she kind of claps
and walks off, leaving you
in this balcony to have some time
alone to talk.
Holy crap, guys.
We're sitting on a motherload here.
We need to fix this planet and make it
grow sideways.
Brain, I'm gonna level with you. I think this
planet's basically kaput.
I wouldn't be surprised once we get those resources
if we could just
bulldoze it and use the parts to
rebuild another planet. You fools,
Eddick! If we
ruin the planet, then we will get zero
point. It'll be like we've never here.
But if we can grant this
bountiful mechanical
technology and preserve at least
a few minds that know how to produce it,
we could create a powerhouse of
industry, a new forge world,
and restore more knowledge
to my glorious quest
for knowledge. Yes, these things must be
done. Your glorious quest for
knowledge? The glorious
quest for knowledge of the Mechanicum.
As a tech priest of the Mechanicum,
it is my sworn duty to bring knowledge
back to the light of the Omnissiah.
Now then...
I put a hand on Brain's
shoulder and I'm like,
You're not a tech priest yet.
I am a tech priest!
You're not a tech priest yet. You gotta stop this.
Says Brain. I'm a tech priest!
I grab his arms and I shake him.
You're not a tech priest yet! You gotta let it go!
You have to let it go!
I am!
And I grab Lorne. I was given
the rank of honorary tech priest
by Forgeworld Lemuria. It is
my duty to see to it that my duties
are fulfilled. Are you lifting me up?
Like, I grab you because I'm an old mannequin,
but then you grab me back and you lift me up?
Yeah, yeah.
Is it like troll physics where you're lifting each other
into the air?
Higher and higher.
Please come down.
Okay, and I come
down. But,
I may not be a full
tech priest, but I am still an honorary
explorator. And if
I prove my worth to the Forgeworld,
I could be so much more.
In so doing, we will do it here.
And we must write a new compact. Not
one of this horrible parts of the horrible blood, but
one of machine.
The Compact of Black.
Don? Yes?
Shall we make
our way to the office later so we may go
to the distant
outpost that was
mentioned?
I believe it's in the lower levels
of this hive. I'm not sure if the Arvis
can take us there.
But you have been provided
information that indicates how you can
get down into there through
taking the industrial elevators
they have. The sooner we can
be done with this place, the better.
We
are in the midst
of a biohazard.
You're saying what I think you're saying.
Aren't you? So what about
his medic check over there?
Oh, he knows.
Okay, okay, okay.
It is being very intentionally quiet.
Gentlemen, I believe it's time to move on.
Let's go to the elevators
then. Let's not be
in this worse place.
I hope there's metal below and not this.
Metal? I
remember the last time we've been on a planet
with that.
Alright, so.
You make your way down
into the Underhive.
As you do so,
the sights of industry
are all around you.
The oppressive din of metal
and machine all over
and around. The gantries and
clacking, grated floors
that stand precipitously
above impossible
drops into utter blackness.
The occasional sounds of forge
implements. The humming of machines.
All of this surrounds you as you
exit the elevator and make your way to
the coordinates presented by
Amalthea Rubania.
Any of you doing anything
particularly special during this little walk?
I got my combi tool out.
I'm just putting shit in. I'm like,
what is this? What is this?
I'm gonna level with you, Thurston.
Erndl's checked out.
Okay.
So
what exactly
are you looking to do?
Like, just with your combi tool.
Oh, I'm trying to get
analysis of all of these
areas. I'm trying to
understand what sort of
power went into
all of this. I'm trying to
track
kind of just anything of interest to my tiny
little...
Yeah, absolutely. So give me a tech check.
Okay, absolutely.
Tech check.
Tech check.
Tech check.
It's a complication.
Yeah, so I'm gonna tell you what the complication is.
So you are
going around, and as you are
checking the various devices and various
cogitator units,
there is a slight moment
where when you
hit one of the
cogitators, you manage to
just activate
a subroutine that causes no
alarm to start going off.
It looks like the device was just entirely
a trap device
intended to produce
that kind of noise.
I need a machine
that screams.
And as that's going on,
all of you start hearing the tread of
footsteps, running footsteps on grading.
Probably a dozen or so.
Should we take cover?
I think we've
crept in a lot around everyone.
Yeah, I immediately take cover.
Yeah, I'm gonna get into cover.
I will do the same.
Who's out there? Who's out there?
You're in the Lower Toads territory.
We're the Bigger Toads.
What's up to you?
Bigger Toads?
I ain't heard of you.
Are you some new people?
Yeah, we some new people. We're here to help out
the Little Toads beat up all the other
not-toads that are
not us.
Really? Yeah.
Guns down, boys!
Hi! Oh my god!
Hi!
I'm Demetra!
You're what?
I'm Demetra!
I'm Lauren. Nice to meet you.
Um...
Come on, come on!
And she, like, waves, and you can see, like,
a bunch of people, like, holding, like,
low-quality auto guns and auto
pistols and just, like,
very grody weapons that they put
more at, like, ease, and they walk up
and this lady sort of,
like, waves her hand. She's like,
Hi! Hi!
We're here to beat up those other
other
stupid gangs and whatnot.
We hear they have, like, some
tech that we want to be interested in,
you know, for the boss,
which is me. And I, like,
flare out my coat a little bit.
Like, yeah! We actually want
to get some of that cool tech to kind of help
dominate this section.
You in? You here for the
the rowboat room?
Yeah!
It's over there.
She kind of points to this, like,
immense sealed square chamber
that has an immense cog
mechanicus on it.
None of us can get in there.
We tried.
If you can get in there, that'd be great.
Just cover our
backs, you see, because
we gotta do some work on that. If we can't get
through, awesome. If we can't, we're gonna look around
the way to figure that out. You got it?
Okay, yeah, sure.
Boys, come on, get in position.
I give them a wink, and I go, alright, let's go, boys.
Yeah.
And you just, like, walk on past.
Oh my god. Alright.
Thanks a lot.
You are
a diplomat!
Tribes for life!
They keep going.
Yeah, and you get to the door,
which is sealed and has, like, a small cogitator
unit beside it.
This is the rowboat room.
Alright, Tech Priest, get on it.
Yes, yes.
Reeb!
Yes?
You are one of the more intelligent ones
of my compeers. Might I
ask for your assistance in this most
delicate of matters?
Reeb will approach the object
that Pi is having
difficulty with, again noting
the comedic notion of the medic
having higher tech.
Yes.
I still intend to make
the tech roll, I just want some assistance.
That's fine, I will assist as best I can.
Give me a tech
check brain first.
Okay, sure thing.
I can help if you want.
Five is actually just enough,
and you realize that these are older
codes, but you're able to
access it with, you know, like you have stored
codes for a whole bunch of different
Mechanicus outposts, especially as a
Skitarii, you have a lot of codes that
are built in knowing you might end up in a
situation where you find some old
outpost or whatnot.
The security clearance on this is
old, but it's not particularly
like high security, so it just
crackles open and the door opens to
reveal a room that's just lined with
cogitators and cogitator screens.
Hmm.
Cogitators,
yes. I will
go up to examine one of these cogitators.
I want to find out what information is on it.
And you don't have to make any more checks.
As you go up and you start examining,
you can see what this is. This is a data
relay point. It's
stored a lot of data, particularly
sending signals via
the satellites in orbit
of this planet to the moon.
And on the
moon of Skargaris Prime,
you see notations for
a full-scale
Mechanicum outpost.
Is there any way for me
to contact them?
It looks like they've stopped
sending transmissions here.
Though everything that's happened
has been through automated cogitators.
So whilst there's been no back-and-forth
transmissions to this installation,
what you do see is that
it's done check-ins, and the
cogitators on the moon outpost have
checked back, indicating
the outpost is still active,
but there may just be no one
manning it anymore.
Can I perhaps make a check
to modify the cogitator to be able to
send out a signal, a communication
that it picked up could be rendered in
to some kind? You could tell you could actually
just activate that system
without any type of skill check.
That's one of the things you can do here.
Alright. I'm very quickly going to take this cogitator
and I'm going to relay a message
in binary code.
This is Tech
Priest Explorator
Pi Brain of Forgeworld
Lemuria. Respond
any and all survivors of
a Mechanicus outpost
upon... what's this moon
sign? Whatever the moon
is called.
This is urgent.
Any
survivors, please respond.
And as you said that, I think that's what we're going to
call today's episode.
There you go.
Yeah!
Thank you so much, Thurston,
for an awesome session.
Hooray!
And I would like to say thank you
to our skitari,
Mr. Pi Brain.
Ah, yes,
thank you. If you want to follow me on my
social media, I am on Twitter
at at SuperSnakeKick.
I'm also on YouTube as SpeakerD,
where at some point, perhaps,
a video was posted.
And I would also thank
our Inquisitorial
acolyte for being here today.
Ah, yep, that is
me, Erndil, playing Reap Van Horn.
You can meet me on, or meet me, follow me,
on Twitter at Erndilio.
And that is all I have to say at the moment.
You're up next.
And I'd like to thank our
Captain or Rogue Trader of the
party. That's me,
HulkyCrow. Thank you guys
for coming out today. You can find me
on at, or not at,
HulkyCrow on Twitter. That's
pretty much the only social I keep up to date with. If you find me on
some other platforms, by all means, drop me a
DM. I'd be happy to respond to you.
And I'd like to thank our Game
Master for running an excellent session.
Today.
Come back next time when we go
to the moon!
The moon!
And I have
and I have been your host, Zoran
the Bear. I've been playing Loan,
the Saints from Sakura. And just as a
reminder, as a blanket, just kind of a reminder
for everyone who kind of came in here
late and didn't see the beginning announcements, which are
very important. First off,
all future VODs, episode 5, which
is this one, will be up on AlphaBoost's
channel as a VOD. But all
future ones, let me get rid of this other
thing, all future ones will be
on my channel, which is youtube.com
4 slash Zoran the Bear. So
episode 6 in all
throughout until we change something again or whatever,
that's where all the rest of the VODs are going to be.
So I guarantee if you want to see
the rest of the VODs after episode 5,
then that's where you'll find them all.
Additionally, you can also help support the
show on Patreon, where
we like to use this as a way to kind of
update you all on what's going on.
Patreon is a fantastic way to kind of
keep in contact with you all. We also
will be establishing how
things, because we're also going to a
gated system now, so if you want to watch these VODs
early, because we kept the first five
episodes basically like as quick as
we could kind of deal, and no
kind of preview stuff or whatever. Now it's on a
gated system. So
basically we, like say for example, what
happens, like once this VOD is now
done for episode 6, not
this one, for episode 6, they're
now going to subscriber only for Twitch,
and then you'll see the VODs maybe two
weeks after the show premieres.
So just so you are aware,
that's how it is. And just as Chad also said,
episode 0, which was kind of like our
episode like before we started
doing this, that is also up on my
channel as well. So
and it will still be going bi-weekly,
so every other Saturday, remember,
every
other Saturday
we stream.
So remember, every other Saturday until
we basically do it. Does it include live? No, no, no.
Live just happens automatically. You don't have
to do whatever for live. That's just
for VODs. Just VODs and the
podcast version. That's it. Just to kind of
help with the confusion. On Patreon, we literally
have a step-by-step
guide on how all this
executes. So just check the blog post
there, and the post we made there to get
explained more. If people are still confused,
I'll make another one. So yeah.
Streams happen
just normal. Just normal and everything
else just so you're all aware. So basically, next
episode will be on September
5th. I hope you guys
can make it there, and please
stay tuned to our Twitter and everything that's
at WarhamShow, just
in case we have to delay a thing.
Just so you're aware.
So with that, everybody, thank you all
so much for being
here. We greatly appreciate
your awesome support. You guys
came in like just
an absolute team,
and we greatly appreciate it.
And one of the final things I want to
say for those of you who've been super
active with the show and really want to help
be part of it even more,
we're starting to basically include
some extra stuff in the future
where we want you as a community to influence
the game. Not just basically with
donating and stuff like that, but
just by playing games.
You know, just by playing
Warhammer 40k or even
Warhammer Fantasy maybe in the future.
Just basically stuff in general.
So I encourage you to join my Discord
to where we want you guys
as potential tribes
of the debt collector
to come together
and fight each other to influence
what's going through.
So we all want you to start playing
games, finding people to play with
on the Discord, start reporting what you're doing
sometime in the future. But for now,
join the Discord, see if you can
make some friends there, start learning how to play
your games, and once we get a system
set up, you might be able to inflict
or influence Warhams in some way.
So with that, I think we're done
everybody.
Thank you guys so much for being here.
I think we shall now
be leaving. Thank you all
so much.
We will see you all next time.
Thank you all, beautiful people.