Accounted For

"Her personality lacks somewhat"

"Lacks somewhat? My goodness me, I've had brighter conversations with a mangled mouse. I would prefer to have a tooth extracted"

Lord Caesar may be the Emperor of Rome, but by God he can not be expected to do his own taxes. You know how confusing it is to do it by yourself? And the risk of being audited?! There's only so many ways you can write off Lions off as a work expense before the Senate starts asking questions. 

Credits:

Nate Gothard as Caesar                
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus                
Thomas Taufan as Voice and Guard

Linda Chong as Morose and Intercom 

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Thirteen, Accounted For)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A
FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!

CROWD CHEERING.

CAESAR: Sensus?

SENSUS: Yes, Lord Caesar?

CAESAR: Who is the first to report, today?

SENSUS: Morose the Empire's Chief Accountant.

CAESAR: Oh no, not her.

SENSUS: I am afraid so.

CAESAR: No.

SENSUS: Yes. She is to give an account for the Northern regions.

CAESAR: I have no doubt that she is a very gifted but Sensus, by gods, she could bore the spots off a
leopard.

SENSUS: Indeed, Caesar. Her personality lacks somewhat.

CAESAR: Lacks somewhat? My goodness me, I've had brighter conversations with a mangled mouse. I
would prefer to have a tooth extracted.

SENSUS: Shall I send for her?

CAESAR: (SIGHS) Very well, better to get it over and done with early.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Morose the Chief Accountant!

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Morose the Chief Accountant!

GUARD 2: (MORE DISTANT) Call Morose the Chief Accountant!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA): More Hose for Brief Encounters, More Hose for brief encounters, report to
Lord Caesar.

DOOR OPENING AND VERY SLOW FOOTSTEPS TOWARDS.

CAESAR: Didn't you get that fixed?

SENSUS: Still trying.

CAESAR: Ave Morose.

MOROSE: (COMPLETELY MONOTONE) Ave....... my Lord.

CAESAR: What news do you bring?

MOROSE: Oh… the usual, my Lord. The provinces have all contributed well. In fact the empire has
increased the nett profit by 13.47890876567903567…

SENSUS: Get on with it.

MOROSE: 45701 Percent.

CAESAR: That is excellent.

MOROSE: Seasonally adjusted, the figure is actually 13. 567890934.

CAESAR: We get the idea.

MOROSE: Forgive me, I need to be accurate.

SENSUS: Indeed, you are known for your accuracy.

CAESAR: (ASIDE) Mind numbing accuracy.

MOROSE: Sorry my Lord?

CAESAR: Nothing, go on.

MOROSE: All tributes are in, excepting the Norse province of Snooooo de Vorrrrrr.

CAESAR: Pardon?

SENSUS: The Province of Snooooo de Vorrrrrr is just to the North of the province of Able Crutchly.

CAESAR: Ah, where I get those cod pieces from?

SENSUS: That's it.

CAESAR: Nothing like a delectable cod piece, eh, Morose?

MOROSE: If you say so, my Lord.

SENSUS: Battered of course.

CAESAR: Brings a tear to my eye.

SENSUS: Sorry, my Lord?

CAESAR: Battered cod pieces.

SENSUS: Oh, yes, very good, sir. Anyway, what seems to be the problem?

MOROSE: We sent them a request for a tribute to Rome.

CAESAR: And?

MOROSE: They sent this back.

CAESAR: A letter?

MOROSE: Yes, Caesar.

CAESAR: Read it then.

MOROSE: It says "Lord Caesar has nice nipples".

SENSUS: I fear they misinterpreted the meaning of tribute.

CAESAR: No doubt, but still, I have had worse.

MOROSE: Shall I send out a garrison?

CAESAR: No. I have a meeting later with the Centurion from Able Crutchly, I'll get him to sort it out.

MOROSE: I am sure I can fix it.

CAESAR: No, I think…

MOROSE: I can be very persuasive.

CAESAR: No, don't you worry about a thing.

MOROSE: Please...

CAESAR: No. Now you are the accountant for the Empire and frankly, it is most important that you care
for your books.

MOROSE: Very well.

CAESAR: That's the ticket.

MOROSE: I'll get back to my books.

CAESAR: Good lad.

MOROSE: (SIGHS)

CAESAR: What is wrong now, Morose?

MOROSE: Well, it’s just, I feel that I have been typecast.

CAESAR: Typecast?

SENSUS: I think that Morose, feels that she has more to offer the Empire.

CAESAR: Is that right Morose?

MOROSE: Yes, my Lord.

CAESAR: But you are such a fine accountant.

MOROSE: But I wasn't always an accountant.

CAESAR: Really?

MOROSE: No Caesar, I once was an undertaker.

CAESAR: Interesting. Then why the change to accounting?

MOROSE: My employer said that I didn't have the personality to carry it off.

CAESAR: I see. Well…Ave Morose.

MOROSE: Ave Caesar.

FOOTSTEPS AND DOOR CLOSING.

SENSUS: Well I'm glad that is over. What shall we do with the Norse men?

CAESAR: Send an envoy to explain, I don't think there will be a problem.

SENSUS: And the letter?

CAESAR: Frame it! Nice nipples indeed!

THEME OUT.

END.

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones