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Where the sexual and spiritual come together. Sex and relationship coach and vaginal weight lifter Kim Anami gives you the sex education and orgasms you never had. www.kimanami.com
How important is chemistry?
Chemistry beckons you to come closer.
And come harder.
Lately, I’ve heard some people say that chemistry is DANGEROUS! TOXIC! Run away!
So let’s talk about this.
For starters, what is chemistry?
Chemistry is the weak-in-the-knees, tingle-in-your-loins, lighting up that takes place in you when you are drawn to someone or something.
Chemistry says: Hey! I have something for you. Right over here.
Carl Jung says:
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
Chemistry is the reaction. The friction, the spark.
You need it in order to create any kind of growth.
“Meh” isn’t chemistry and “meh” isn’t going to change your life.
If you’ve chosen “meh” then you’ve chosen to play it safe.
You say that you and your partner are “such good buddies” and “there is more to relationships than just sex!!” and try to convince yourself that it’s okay you haven’t had sex in a month, a year or eight years.
I’m not buying it.
Deep down, neither are you.
Which is why you now say that you have a “low libido” or there are cysts growing on your ovaries or you prematurely ejaculate.
You’re all avoiding the big bang.
The life-changing, transformative power of deep, intense, passionate chemistry.
Chemistry lets you know that on a cellular, karmic level, you have a connection with someone.
You have shit to work out.
We are all here to grow and evolve.
We are attracted to the people who will draw the impurities—and the purities—out of us so that we can face them and become better versions of ourselves.
We self-realize.
Chemistry is the ignition to get there.
But.
And here is the big but:
This only works though if you have an agreement to use your intimate relationship as a vessel for growth.
If you don’t have this, and you’re just operating on auto-pilot, you’ll just repeat the same patterns over and over again in relationships, and wonder why.
I’ve seen people these days try to say that “chemistry” is toxic.
That calm companionship is better than “intense” passion.
Sexless marriage, I see you!
This is like the orgasm deniers who go around trying to say that clitoral orgasms are THE BEST when in reality, they’ve never had a vaginal orgasm and have no idea how to.
We see you too.
Agreed: intense, passionate attraction and chemistry is not for the faint of heart or genitals.
In the last episode, I shared a story of a couple who met and on the same night, decided to get married and then did 30 days later.
30 YEARS later, they’re still married and happy and passionate as ever.
The man in the couple said that for the first month of them being together, he wanted to throw up every day.
The bigness of it all.
It made me think of how pregnant women get morning sickness in the initial stages.
Their system is adjusting to this massive change to their whole world and body.
A deep identity transformation.
*
The best relationships have both:
Something about them sets you on fire.
You want to eat them up.
Lick every ounce of their sweat and come.
It’s electric and wild and palpable and even them saying your name gets you wet or hard.
And, them saying your name and cooing in your ear also soothes you to your depths.
Hearing their voice is like music and balm and their touch and their come calm you and make you feel like everything is right in the world.
It’s both.
It’s always both.
When people say that “chemistry” and “intensity” are toxic, what they really mean is that most people simply DO NOT have the tools to employ when the going gets tough.
Which it will.
At some point.
This IS the entire purpose of intimate relationship.
That it provokes, it draws out of us that which needs to be healed.
So yes, we get triggered.
We’re raw, vulnerable and anxious at times as these old, unhealed wounds get uncovered.
As hidden parts of us start to emerge.
The only way we survive—and thrive and grow—through this with the understanding and agreement that our relationship is a vessel for conscious growth.
Meaning, we fully expect that shit will come up.
And we will train and learn and study how to best address it, illuminate our dark places in each other so we can heal them.
To take our pain and trauma and karma and alchemize it into wisdom.
WE understand that the deepest purpose and value in intimate relationship is to do this for—and WITH—each other.
The most powerful—and I’d say the ONLY worthwhile—relationships are where we use each other as crucibles for growth.
Here’s the definition of a crucible:
“A container in which metals or other substances are subjected to very high temperatures.
A situation of severe trial on in which different elements interact, leading two the creation of something new.
What was the original quote I mentioned from Jung on chemistry?
“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”
Chemistry.
It’s the key, essential, NON-negotiable ingredient for transformation.
You have to have it.
So when these so-called teachers talk about “chemistry” being “toxic” or when people are attracted to unresolved family dynamics in the other person—yeah fuckin right they are.
Of course you are.
Because on a soul level, you are drawn to heal this.
You intuit that this person, that this union, has something important for you.
And look, when you’re weak in the knees, fainting and heart pounding and vomiting for a month, the signs really aren’t that subtle.
They’re punching you in the face.
This person hold the matching puzzle piece for you to blast through whatever impasses you collectively hold.
But that won’t happen IF you do not BOTH agree that the entire purpose of your relationship is to grow.
Together.
If you don’t think this and you think that love and partnership are convenient parking spaces you sidle up to in your lifetimes to hang out and pass the time together, then you’re fucked.
Except that you most likely are NOT fucking.
And you will implode.
Because that’s just a cop out. It’s hiding.
It’s picking people where you have no chance of being hurt because you don’t really care about them that much.
They’re safe that way. You’ll never really be exposed,
But you will erode yourself out of boredom and the absolute soul torture of never being seen.
Never really being understood at the deepest level.
Never actually experiencing intimacy: into-me-see with another person.
It eats you from the inside.
And in the language of grow or die—because you aren’t growing here—you will die.
This is where people start to manifest all kinds of things like growths on their bodies—an outward projection of all the shit they aren’t dealing with.
And autoimmune issues.
And reproductive issues.
Their bodies grow heavy with the weight of all the shit they don’t deal with.
THAT pile grows.
BUT.
When we have this wild and palpable chemistry where you are fluttery, weak in the knees, and massively attracted.
You want to devour them.
Eat them up.
They light up all your cells and your genitals and your heart.
THIS is your greatest tool for alchemizing all that lays between you and in you.
You come together and in the deep surrender and letting go—you surrender all of this other stuff too:
Your faults, your patterns, your wounds, your personality flaws.
They all get tossed into the fire.
And you fuck them out of your system.
Out of each other’s systems.
There is truth in the adage that we “fuck the shit out of each other”.
A good fucking does that to you.
It’s soul cleansing.
It reaches into other dimensions and other bodies and it extracts the dark.
And infuses it with light.
If you can’t fuck your partner like this, if you are surface-duty fucking the platonic brother or sister “we’re such good buddies!” you chose to marry, this won’t happen for you.
There is no alchemy.
Only artifice.
This is when you reach for the lube and the Viagra and the antidepressants and the false hormones.
Because your bodies aren’t producing these things.
You believe the lie that “maybe they aren’t supposed to?” and that drugs are the answer.
They aren’t.
They just perpetuate the rationalizations you both told each other and yourselves way back when that a “safe” partner was the way to go.
Anyone saying that chemistry is a red flag just doesn’t have the tools or understand that this is the whole point.
And look, if you have intense chemistry AND you have no tools, you probably WILL destroy each other.
You’ll come out of that situation—if you even do—battered and bruised, because you opened up Pandora’s Box and all hell broke loose.
And you were powerless to do anything about it but have your ass handed to you.
But.
But.
If you open the box and you both commit to taking on whatever comes out of the box together, not only do you weather the storm, but you slay your demons TOGETHER and becomes the hero and heroines of your stories.
You become the most evolved versions of yourselves.
Your intimate relationship is the ULTIMATE crucible and arena.