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Binge eating and emotional eating keep millions of people from living their best lives. If you're one of them, this podcast is for you. Hosts Georgie Fear and Maryclaire Brescia share insights and key lessons from their wildly successful Breaking Up With Binge Eating Coaching Program. Their methods integrate Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, nutritional science and change psychology -- but what you'll notice is that it works and feels good. Step off the merry go round of dieting and binge eating and into a healthier, happier body and mind.
[00:00:00] I wasn't perfect on my trip. For example, I said I wasn't going to drink wine every day. And I did drink wine every day, said Cara. But even I can recognize it was so much better than I used to be. I was really pleased that she said that, because like many of my clients, Cara is one who can be really hard on herself when she falls short of her intentions.
I'm not gonna beat myself up, she said. But something in her voice told me, But I'm really tempted to beat myself up. Have you ever found yourself in this interim space where you don't want to berate yourself, but at the same time you're hesitant to be too kind to yourself? And if you always say, that's okay, that's okay, when you overeat or have more dessert than intended, you fear you'll excuse yourself for making all sorts of decisions that will mean not reaching your goals.
So how does a person navigate being kind to themselves while still achieving great things that we know require discipline? That's what [00:01:00] today's episode is all about.
Georgie: This is the Breaking Up with Binge Eating Podcast where every listen moves you one step closer to Complete Food Freedom, hosted by me, Georgie Fear, and my co-coach, Mary Claire Brescia.
When I hear a client being hard on themselves or calling themselves names, I often point it out. Oh yeah, I'm really mean to myself, or I'm too hard on myself, they'll say, or I beat myself up. Like, yes, I have brown eyes. I like Star Trek and I'm super hard on myself. They really seem to think it's no big deal, like a personality quirk.
But imagine if I pointed out, wow, You're really mean to other people, or you criticize your kids too harshly. You sort of verbally beat them up. And you [00:02:00] agreed with me? I mean, those are much more upsetting confessions. The sort of realizations that are hard to stomach and painful to admit. I can't imagine these kind people sitting across from me admitting so readily that, yeah, I'm really mean to other people.
But somehow, when I point out that somebody is being mean to themselves, they don't seem very bothered by it. Clearly, it's not in the same category. Of course, this is the crux of the problem. The double standard so many of us have between how we treat ourselves and how we treat others. But before we can correct how we treat ourselves, we have to pause for a second or a minute or a month and decide that that's really what we want to do. Because if you sometimes feel like losing weight, and sometimes don't really care, you probably won't make major progress. If you sometimes feel like you want to quit smoking, but other times you don't really feel like smoking's a problem, you probably [00:03:00] won't make major progress.
And if you sometimes feel like it's acceptable to be mean to yourself, if it makes you work harder, you probably won't make major progress in getting rid of it.
So, peel back the layers of what everyone else on the planet thinks about you. For one moment, be as honest as you can. It's just you and me. Do you want to be a mean person? Odds are, it's probably not one of your aspirations. I've never met anyone who said they liked meanness in others, or aspired to be more mean.
Yet, they don't mind if someone notices they're unkind to themselves. Something inside many of us says, it's okay to be mean to yourself. As long as you aren't mean to other people. Why? Something in our minds can justify it as, well, as long as your meanness stays internal, no one gets hurt. Obviously, this is wrong.
When you beat yourself up, call yourself [00:04:00] stupid or a failure, or someone who will never fit in. You get hurt. The type of hurt that is caused by cruelty doesn't only harm the target. If your dog or your child were hit by a car, it sure would impact you in a negative way, wouldn't it? Why? Because you would see your animal or child hurting, and you would hurt too.
You feel their pain. You see their unhappiness. They're not smiling or laughing. Your dog wouldn't be wagging their tail. You would see them being quiet. A hurting child or animal withholds their personality. There's no playfulness. They probably engage with you less while they're healing, taking more time to themselves, not really feeling up to doing anything new.
And when you beat yourself up, and you think that it doesn't show on the outside, that no one else is impacted negatively, you're mistaken. It might be as simple [00:05:00] as lacking playfulness, playing it safe, not wanting to try new things. Or you may be more prone to want to be alone. We engage less with others when we're wounded.
Creativity and energy are sapped, and we're all around less joyful. This can happen in a short term sense, maybe over the course of hours or days, or it can impact decades of our lives. I'm not surprised when someone is trying to heal from thrashings that they've been giving themselves for a lifetime.
You might not even know how much more joyful and energetic you would be and how much more you could get done without nursing this constant self inflicted injury. Wait, what? I could get more done? A lot of people who listened to that last sentence just glossed over blah blah be happier But the idea of getting more done now, that jumped out as important.
After all, if you ask many people Why are they so mean to [00:06:00] themselves, or why do you beat yourself up, or why don't you want to seem to change that? It's because they feel that it brings with it high achievement. The unhappiness that it causes seems like not a bad price to pay, especially if they've gotten used to feeling uneasy, pressured, and anxious or depressed.
That feeling is just... normal. And so we strive and strive to achieve more in hopes that someone will notice, someone will say, you are incredible. You do such good things. I'm so glad you came into my life. You have made a positive difference in the world. You have a good heart. You are lovable. You are loved.
We want to hear and feel and see these things so fundamentally, that every day becomes an opportunity to excel more, do more, achieve more, and it never feels like enough. When we [00:07:00] receive kindness and recognition and that support from others, it feels amazing. It feels like life giving air to a suffocating soul.
But it only lasts a short time. The applauding crowd goes home, or the supportive friend isn't by your side every moment. And so we want more of this precious love that we felt, and since this came from achievement, we'll be able to get more love from more achievement. How ironic that this pursuit of feeling loved is what perpetuates and fuels so much unkindness in people's inner dialogues.
In the name of achievement, we dial up criticism and belittling of ourselves. But why? Because we want to receive the kindness we expect from achieving great things. We devalue ourselves in our quest to feel truly valuable. This makes me really sad.
And I don't say that as someone high on my perch [00:08:00] of enlightenment. Oh, you pitiful people being mean to yourselves. I say it as someone who falls into the trap of being my own worst enemy on a frequent basis. It makes me sad that I had to live into my fourth decade before realizing I had any other option but being mean to myself all the time.
That had been my normal. I thought it was actually helping me. In fact... As I write this, it's like someone's looking over my shoulder saying, um, you're a dietitian. How about you stick to your lane and talk about nutrition, huh? You're not a philosopher. You're not a psychologist. But guess what? 41 year old me is still learning new tricks.
So when my mind is giving me all sorts of scathing, who do you think you are memos, focusing on all the things I am not, I can interject with all of the things I am. I'm actually someone who has been through hell and back with my own mental health, physical health, and disordered eating. I'm someone who has learned [00:09:00] valuable things, and I'm someone who shares what I find valuable.
So, inner mean girl, go eat a carrot, enjoy the beta carotene, and let me write. And truthfully, nobody even contends with me, or they haven't yet, that the relationship we have with ourselves is irrelevant when it comes to eating behavior.
And truthfully, no one has yet tried to contend with me that the relationship with ourselves is irrelevant when it comes to eating behavior. It's obvious that disordered eating and maladaptive eating leading to obesity occur within the context of a person's life and often, as a result of that context. Like an animal species adapts to its environment. A fox growing a thicker fur coat in colder climates, for example. People adapt to life by binge eating, overeating, restricting, or simply becoming preoccupied with dieting and weight. Like coping with cold weather, these behaviors insulate us from our fears, [00:10:00] providing a layer of protection from threat.
I already described how beating ourselves up can be perpetuated by a fear of not achieving enough to feel lovable or valuable. Before I move on to solutions, I wanna briefly touch on some of the other reasons I believe people develop the habit of being overly critical of themselves and why they actually resist being nicer.
Number one, we think this criticism will prevent us from being hurt by surprise. If I tell myself I'm ugly before I leave the house and every time I look in the mirror, if someone else says, hey, you're ugly. At least I won't be surprised. If I tell myself I'm bound to be fired because I'm stupid, then if I get fired, I won't be surprised.
I called it. Unfortunately, this is like punching myself in the face every day, just so it won't hurt if someone else punches me in the face. But, truth is, it still would hurt if someone else punched me in [00:11:00] the face. All I'm doing is guaranteeing that I get punched in the face more frequently, where it might never even happen otherwise.
The number two reason why people are overly critical of themselves and resist being nicer. It gives us the illusion of control. Let's say I'm interviewed for a position I really want, but I don't get it. Or I go on a first date with someone who never calls me again. I may beat myself up endlessly over what I wore, the way I answered their questions, my choice of words.
Maybe I laughed too hard at someone's little joke and they thought I was a phony. Or maybe I didn't smile enough and I came across as grouchy. By assuming that I am solely responsible and at fault, it gives me the illusion that I can do something different next time and prevent this from happening again.
So I beat myself up over it, because that can be easier to take than the fact that not everyone will choose me, [00:12:00] and sometimes I will be hurt by other people. Three. We think that it makes us change and improve. The prime time for self criticism to flare is when we've been imperfect. That was so stupid, I cannot believe I asked that rude question.
Why did I just keep eating the damned cookies? I'm totally hopeless at handling my emotions. I should have done a better job at that presentation. It was disjointed and I looked like a fool. These sort of personal attacks are not actually great at helping us change. They create shame. Shame makes us hide, quit, withdraw, shrink our presence, and isolate.
It's immobilizing and interferes with the learning process. Want a student to learn absolutely nothing? Call them names every time you try and teach them something. Yet. When people are faced with a moment where they want to modify or improve their behavior, it can seem like there [00:13:00] were only two options.
Scorched earth, or it's okay, that's perfectly fine. The latter of which is actually denying that anything's wrong at all. If you have done something contrary to your goals or values, it's okay, that's fine, is not going to help you improve. But you can do so much better than calling yourself an idiot, hopeless, or failure.
Beating yourself up makes you the problem. So you're more likely to try and remove yourself from future situations instead of actually modifying your behavior, specifically. Beating ourselves up leads to, I just need to keep my mouth shut since I always say dumb things, or I just can't be in the house with sweets.
Obviously I have no self control or I should just go find a job where I don't give presentations because I'm going to embarrass myself every time. To do better and feel better. Try looking instead at specific actions, words, or choices that you would like to make differently next time. [00:14:00] Then, focus on helping yourself do that.
This can change your feelings about what happened, bypassing judgment of yourself and focusing on the actions, choices, or words that actually are in your control and can be changed for a better outcome in the future. And for all of the emotional reasons That I want you to stop being mean to yourself, here's a purely practical one. And if all else fails, I hope this convinces you. The fastest way to improve is to learn from our mistakes and to draw lessons from our wins. If you refuse to see, or cannot see, the things that you have done well, you're denying yourself a huge resource of experience that shows you what is worth repeating and what strengths you can draw upon in the future to increase your success.
And the number four reason why people are overly critical of themselves and resist being nicer. We've seen it modeled. We learned it as our first way of [00:15:00] being. You may have witnessed mom or dad being critical of themselves, and they may have chastised you when you expressed being happy with something you had made or done.
I remember very little from my childhood. Most of it's a blank, but one memory I have is being in first grade. I had made some kind of arts and crafts thing, and I was showing it to the other kids. And one little girl said, That's called fishing for compliments, and that's bad. I was so struck by this revelation that I stopped showing other people my arts and crafts for years because I was so worried that I was fishing for compliments, and as my classmate said, that was bad.
I loved art, but every time I made something, I would just leave it somewhere, like on the playground, or even put it in the trash, because I thought if I showed it to people, then I was showing off. And that was undesirable behavior. Many of us were taught, formally or informally, that [00:16:00] pride, or even self acceptance, is a bad thing.
Pride is among the seven deadly sins, and according to Christian religion, unequivocally a no no. However, according to historian Spencer McDaniel, historically, the word pride referred to a feeling of extreme arrogance and haughtiness. Pride wasn't just feeling good about yourself, it was believing that you were better than everyone else, that you deserved things you did not really deserve, and that your personal needs and desires mattered more than those of others.
Pride was more than just feeling like you had accomplished something. It was believing that you were a god, and that you were above all conventional laws of morality. This is a far cry from a first grader being happy with the picture she drew. I'm not condoning hubris or promoting that you adopt a mindset that you are flawless and above all other humans, but there's a lot of room between that extreme [00:17:00] and the extreme of being completely unable to acknowledge when you've done something well.
It's not healthy to have a sense of self so inflated that you can't see your own flaws. But it's equally pathological, and more tragic, to wear blinders your entire life to your qualities. So if I want to help you be nicer to yourself, and I do, I know that the biggest thing you need isn't really directions or a recipe for how to do it, As much as a rationale.
You probably know a lot about how to be a nice person. You say things like, It's okay, that was an accident. Or, that's not your fault, don't take it personally. You recognize positive attributes in people and express appreciation for them. You do this by saying things like, You were really patient with that woman, or that was so thoughtful of you.
I know you worked really hard on that, even though it didn't turn out perfectly. I want you to know, it's not only [00:18:00] safe to start being nice to yourself, It's going to help you thrive in a way that beating yourself up never will. You don't have to settle for feeling affection and love in gasping little bursts given to you by other people.
You'll be able to make more improvements when you aren't nasty to yourself all the time. You can be a supporter and friend to yourself. When nobody else is there, in the middle of the night, when nobody's watching. Imagine how your life would feel different if everywhere you went, and with each challenge you undertook, you weren't linked to someone constantly commenting, well that was a stupid thing to say.
Your shoes don't match your outfit. Your hips are too big. That secretary sure thinks you're obnoxious. If instead you had someone who recognized your efforts and encouraged you to keep it up, reminded you of what you're good at and where you're succeeding, and didn't turn on you when you made a mistake. This friend would still be kind to you when you screwed [00:19:00] up.
They'd say, let's think of how we could do better next time. Maybe we should practice reading the slides the night before. They would give you tips like, remember, keep office conversation about work topics. Personal politics is a minefield. And they'd remind you of lessons you've learned. That time we looked at the menus in advance was a huge stress saver.
We should do that before this trip. You can be a huge source of support, comfort, and compassion for yourself. Literally a 24 7, 365, lifelong resource. But to do that, you have to decide that you want to change. I encourage you to not settle for being a mean person. And I encourage you to take a stand when anyone calls you names, insults you, or refuses to see the good in you, no matter who they are. [00:20:00]