Let Them Figure It Out: Why Withholding the Answer Is a Gift

Show Notes

The teacher who gave you every answer to every question didn't help you learn anything. The one who sat with you while you struggled through the problem — who gave you the question instead of the solution, and let you know they'd be there when you had your own questions — that's the one who actually built something in you. That distinction is where this week's thread lands. Refusing to grab someone else's hammer and chisel isn't indifference. It's a statement that their growth matters more than your momentary comfort in having solved something.

Brian uses the shoe-tying example to make it concrete. A parent who ties the laces every time because there's no time to wait doesn't just create a teenager who can't tie their shoes. They create a pattern of dependency — and then feel resentment about it. The same dynamic runs through adult relationships: friendships, mentorships, lodge work, family. Every time you take over the work that belongs to someone else, you get a short burst of ego satisfaction and they get a little less capable. Over time, you're both worse off.

The upside, though, is real. When you hold the space instead of filling it, you get to be present for the actual growth. You get a deeper relationship, a more honest conversation, and the particular joy of watching someone develop capacity they'll carry everywhere. That mirrors your own growth. It builds the kind of lodge — or family, or friend group — where people aren't just collecting answers from a central source. They're becoming people who can work their own stone.

• The teacher analogy: giving the question versus giving the answer
• Shoe-tying as a model for how dependency develops across any relationship
• The difference between following instructions and actually learning a skill
• The long-term rewards of presence over problem-solving: deeper trust, stronger relationships
• Celebrating the development of agency in others as a reflection of your own growth
• How to name what you need when you're the one struggling and don't want the problem solved

The lodge, the family, the friendship worth having isn't built by the person with all the answers — it's built by the person willing to stay present while others find their own.

Free Lodge Resource: Download the A Mason's Work Discussion Guide - a free, printable discussion guide for your lodge education night. No signup required.

Ready to go deeper? A Mason's Work - the operative method in full. Or bring Brian to your lodge: Virtual Lodge Education Session - $250.

Thanks to our monthly supporters

• Tim Dedman
• Jorge

★ Support this podcast on Patreon ★

Creators and Guests

Host

Brian Mattocks

Host and Founder of A Mason's Work - a podcast designed to help you use symbolism to grow. He's been working in the craft for over a decade and served as WM, trustee, and sat in every appointed chair in a lodge - at least once :D

What is A Mason's Work?

In this show we discuss the practical applications of masonic symbolism and how the working tools can be used to better yourself, your family, your lodge, and your community. We help good freemasons become better men through honest self development. We talk quite a bit about mental health and men's issues related to emotional and intellectual growth as well.

[00:00] So imagine this, right? Go back to school, go back to your high school. And I know for a lot
[00:05] of you, that's like a horrible thing to try and do memory wise, but imagine just for a second,
[00:10] you were back in school and, uh, you were confronted with the, the math test, right?
[00:18] Now, what would happen on the math test if the teacher just gave you every answer? Yeah. Answer
[00:26] to question one is 28. The answer to question two is 35. If you went through life and every teacher
[00:36] in your life was like that, where would you be right now? You might have A's or whatever,
[00:46] but you wouldn't know how to do any of the things.
[00:54] The teachers that made a difference in your life didn't give you the answer.
[01:02] They gave you the question. They gave you the process. They gave you space to figure it out.
[01:11] They sat while you struggled to figure out how to solve the problems you were facing.
[01:20] And they let you know that if you had questions yourself related to how they might, how you might
[01:28] go around solving the problem, you had somebody here sitting beside you the whole way.
[01:34] This is kind of where we've been going all week. When you refuse to grab somebody else's hammer and
[01:43] chisel, you are actually protecting their work and your own. You're suggesting that it is important
[01:52] to you that you can be with them while they struggle.
[01:57] And even better, you can be there to take joy with them, not in the quick fix of solving the problem,
[02:11] which is a short but not sustainable pleasure for your ego, but the long-term joy
[02:18] of being with them while they learn something useful that they can then take back to their everyday life.
[02:27] And so one of the ways that this really, you can kind of see through this entire problem
[02:34] is if we break it down to maybe even a more obvious thing. And so I've been a scout leader
[02:43] for a portion of my life. And one of the things that you get to see as a scout leader is all sorts
[02:51] of different kinds of parents solving problems. So we'll take it back to watching or helping a child
[03:01] learn how to tie their shoes. Now imagine what would happen if every time the child needed their
[03:10] shoes tied, you were just like, no, we don't have time for this. And you tied them anyway.
[03:16] What's going to happen over time, right? You're going to get upset that they never learned how to tie their shoes,
[03:21] but you never created space for them to do that. So what do you get? You get somebody who's perpetually
[03:27] dependent on you. You know, now that child's a teenager ready to go off to school, never had to figure out
[03:33] how to tie their shoes. And where are you at? Right. You didn't help build that skill.
[03:40] Well, we can say it's the shoe tying thing. You want to grab those, grab those laces and do the work
[03:46] and all that kind of stuff. You can tell them, you can point and say, do this, do that, do this.
[03:51] And maybe they'll successfully follow your instructions, but that's not the same as
[03:54] them learning how to do it. Right. When, when we really allow for agency to develop, where we allow,
[04:02] where we can allow to create space or allow space to create this opportunity to rise to the occasion,
[04:10] and do so in a way that's appropriate. Now, again, to be very clear, because there's some
[04:16] folks out there right now who's going, yes, well, I want to learn quantum physics and I have no idea
[04:20] how to get started. Awesome. Right. That's not kind of what we're talking about here. We're talking
[04:24] about, uh, helping develop problem solving skills, you know, responding to the emotional discomforts
[04:32] that come up in everyday life. If you're academically looking to pursue a subject, by all means, go get a
[04:36] book. Somebody else has already learned the basics and will happily teach it to you.
[04:40] But in the context of this kind of knowledge, this emotional response of being frustrated that you
[04:46] don't have agency in a situation where you'd like to have it, this approach makes the most sense.
[04:54] Don't solve the problem for them, be with them. And you get this huge, huge upside.
[05:02] You get a stronger relationship. You get a deeper and more meaningful ability to converse about the
[05:11] problems that people have. You get to build and celebrate as agency develops in other people.
[05:20] You get a sense of gratitude. You get a sense of gratitude. And you enjoy the process of them
[05:27] learning and growing as a process that mirrors your own learning and growth.
[05:33] That brings you together with other people in a way that creates a lodge or a family or a friend group.
[05:43] It's not having all the answers. It's not being the smartest guy in the room.
[05:50] It's not doing all of the work. And when you find a brother or you find somebody in your life who
[05:58] tries to lean in to that role, let them know. If you find yourself in an emotional situation
[06:07] and you don't know what to do, start the conversation with, I don't want you to solve this problem,
[06:14] but I'd like to talk about it some more. Maybe you can see some things or help me, in a way, share this load.