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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder. If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening to the podcast. Thank you.
Speaker 2:It is 09:30PM on the Monday after the retreat or the symposium, and I've worked very hard to stay awake to go pick up my children from the airport. They are back from Oklahoma, and it's been a little wild. And I'm excited to see them and also excited to go to bed. So I hope everything goes smoothly and and that they are here safely. It's been quite a day.
Speaker 2:It has been an epic twenty four hours. We wrapped up the symposium last night, and it was so hard to say goodbye to everyone. And, also, I think it was a beautiful goodbye. At least the parts I experienced, people stayed to say goodbye. We ended well.
Speaker 2:People were exchanging information and finding ways to connect. Even I had to take a cry break in my office, but I was able to come back out and got to hug people goodbye. And that is a really, really big deal to me, And I absolutely, a % get a gold star for that. I'm just saying. As people, it was kind of an amazing thing to watch people start to connect with each other over the course of the weekend and then even during the goodbyes.
Speaker 2:And so Jules and I just sort of slowly after saying goodbye first, we just sort of slowly faded ourselves out of the conversation and into our offices and then simply closed the door so that they could have privacy to finish their conversations on their own without it needing to be facilitated by us. It was an amazing thing to witness, and I am just as honored as they they're just not words. It was so powerful, and I am so I wanna say proud, but I don't mean it in a patronizing way. Just that people showed up for themselves the way that they did, and it was just an amazing thing. I can't even tell you.
Speaker 2:People even then stayed a long time in the parking lot, and Jules and I, like, literally locked the doors. We kept the boundaries. Like, we said we were gonna close the doors and lock them at the end of the day, and it was so hard to not just stand out there and talk with everyone. And, also, we really wanted to stick that good ending, that healthy ending. So we let people transition into their own friendships as well, and and we closed the doors and stayed behind to clean up after.
Speaker 2:It was really bittersweet walking through our office that we worked so hard on for almost a year to with the painting and finding things at garage sales for decorating and the paintings we did for decoration and just literally the blood, sweat, and tears that went into this office space and all of the hard hard conversations and funny conversations and tender conversations, just the magic of it all that we poured into creating this office space together and the nesting that it is. Like, we cannot nest in real life, but we have been able to nest in our professional life at the office space, and it's just been a beautiful experience. So then to be able to finally open that up to people and invite them to come in and share space with us as we learn and grow and heal together was an amazing thing. We also even got our first leaves up on the trees where I painted the trees and the monkey on the wall. So I'll post pictures of that in the community.
Speaker 2:And, it has just been so, so reflective of the healing and the progress that all of us have made and especially together, but also really on our own as individuals too. I think the most powerful pieces for me were again and holding space in an even healthier way, a boundaried way, and recognizing my own progress in some of the really specific issues. Even if I don't have it all right or all finished. So for example, at the first retreat, one of the biggest themes for me was really some specific trauma and avoidance of littles. And this time, I have learned all of this stuff about attachment wounds and all of this stuff about why it's so hard for me to face the littles.
Speaker 2:For me, really, it has an infanticidal attachment piece that I think is adding to my phobia and the rupture with my first therapist adding to my phobia. And so in the same way, Jules talks about bilateral stimulation with EMDR adding to dissociation phobia if you do the BLS too early, I think for me in a different way, these other things really contributed to little phobia. And so that's really the place I was in at the first retreat was I need to acknowledge that they are there, and, also, am I going to trust my therapist or not? The work that I have done since then for the rest of the year, going to therapy twice a week, really attaching to my therapist in new ways and acknowledging that there are parts there and littles and others that I really need to let participate in therapy and also tend to and respond to in ways that I have not been, that this would be stabilizing for me, healthy for me, healing for me. I am so close, really just on the verge of being able to do these things.
Speaker 2:It's just been so hard. But I am actively talking about it with my therapist, and my tolerance level and comfort level, I had no idea it had changed so much until we were doing the art activities during the symposium and being able to see that reflected. So even though I don't wanna talk about details right now just for my own safety and privacy, I feel like I really came out of the symposium with a very specific plan of kind of where I need to go in caring for littles and starting to do parts work again, which can I say is still absolutely terrifying for sure? And, also, I think it's safe enough, and it's time enough. Enough.
Speaker 2:So, again, Jules and I cleaning up the office after everyone had left the building was so, so bittersweet because we were left with all these very tender memories of having shared this space with people we care so much about and such an intense and emotional weekend. And then also having to sort of do the work to transition back to preparing the office office to function for the rest of our work week when we start seeing clients again and get back to work and other therapists come back to the building. It was just I don't know. I had so many feelings. I had the tender feelings of saying goodbye and letting people return to their homes after the symposium.
Speaker 2:I had the relief that we ended it well. Like, that was visceral and physical for me. I I really was so anxious about that, but we did it so well. Like, everybody who was there did it so well. And then kind of excitement to get back to a normal routine at work, but also this very intense exhaustion.
Speaker 2:We had heard that everyone was going out for pizza, but we were so excited they were building their own friendships. We just sort of let them have that space and respected it as it was. And so we went and got dinner somewhere else. And as soon as we sat down, we were like, we should not have done this. We should have just gotten it on the way or gotten it to go or eaten something at home.
Speaker 2:Because the moment we sat down, our bodies were done. Like, I thought I was gonna fall asleep in my food. It was so funny. We were so worn out for the weekend even though we had done such a great job of sleeping each night and trying to eat nourishing food during the day, like, we worked so hard to care for our bodies, even stretching and all kinds of things, because we knew neurologically a lot was happening. And, also, we were still just spent holding space for so many people and holding space for such intense things and and trying to navigate that with so many people.
Speaker 2:Right? When we are used to doing that when we have just one person in our office, but to do it for a whole room full of people and everybody who was feeling things all at once, it was really a lot to navigate, and we don't want anyone to feel neglected or too overwhelmed. And so by the time we were done, we were spent. When we finished eating and went home, my kids were just getting ready for bed. They had finished treats that we had delivered to them.
Speaker 2:They had eaten. They were ready for bed. We had a quick chat, and I said goodnight to them. And then you all I'm not kidding. I went to my room.
Speaker 2:I brushed my teeth, got in my pajamas, and I am not kidding. It was maybe not even two minutes before I was asleep, and I'm not joking. Unfortunately, that was, like, seven or 08:00. And so by one or two in the morning, my body was like, hey. I'm done sleeping.
Speaker 2:Good morning. And I was like, no. So I worked on editing some podcast a little bit and just getting my brain resettled so I could have my second sleep. Do you guys know what a second sleep is from, like, the middle ages? It's actually only a recent thing that we all sleep all night.
Speaker 2:I don't know if you know that. Anyway, so I had a second sleep. I woke up barely in time to say say good morning to my kids and send them off to school, but I did, so I'm proud of that. And then, y'all, I went back to sleep again. And I think Jules and I did not move all morning until it was time to go to therapy ourselves.
Speaker 2:It was just so much. When Jules had to leave for therapy, I think that's when my own attached cry really, really set in because at the same time, I was getting messages from people who were arriving back home, going to the airport, or landing safely at the airport, all the things. And so at the same time, as I they're all telling me they got home safely, which I appreciated. Jules also leaving to go about her day and return home. And then at the same time and navigating all those goodbyes was so, so emotional.
Speaker 2:And I thought, I am going to drown in this if I am not really intentional and careful, and I need to use all the things I learned this weekend. So I started doing things. I did some laundry. I cleaned the house. I did not rage clean the house, but I cleaned the house.
Speaker 2:And then I also went for a walk. You guys, I cannot tell you how lovely and beautiful this was. It was gorgeous. Like, if there were a perfect fall day, this would have been the perfect fall day. It was amazing.
Speaker 2:And I loved it so much, and it felt good to move my body after sitting still all weekend for the sessions at the symposium. And I cooked dinner for my children. I got them to bed, the ones who stayed here over the weekend. Because it was also fall break here, so some of them went back to Oklahoma for fall break. And then after I got them down, I went to Mandala Monday, the art group in the community, and that was really lovely.
Speaker 2:I missed a couple friends, and so shout out to my friends. I saw you come and go right after I left. It sends me those alerts. And so I was sad to miss you, but, you're so brave for trying, for for showing up, for seeing who's there. And, I also got messages.
Speaker 2:We had hurricanes this week, and so I got messages. Andy's is okay, Andy's group. I got messages from Anne's. They're okay and already in another country, of course, because that's what they do. Our friend Lisa is okay, and I am so glad they are okay.
Speaker 2:And people just checking in in the community after the hurricanes and the flooding. And then also a shout out to who had another surgery, and we're so glad they are okay and appreciate them checking in. Like, it was just I felt so connected, and it has been a long time since I have been able to be that connected in the community in that way, just pragmatically. I just got to the airport, but I still have a few minutes. So it was a really lovely evening.
Speaker 2:And then I listened to and I took a long bath, and I put clean sheets on my bed, and I got all the laundry put away. So everything just felt good. My windows are open because it's such a lovely evening with chosen family and how important and special it is to have those people in your life. And, oh my goodness, I so I'm listening to this. And while I'm walking, I'm listening to this earlier in the evening, and that's the same time I got the the message that Em had joined the Zoom and Becca had joined the Zoom.
Speaker 2:And then but I had missed them because when I finished my sketch, I left the art group to go for a walk. And so I had just missed them, but I was like, these are my people. This is my chosen family. And it was such a powerful moment literally watching the notifications of people showing up for me, people showing up for themselves. These healthy relationships we have all worked so hard on since starting the community, since finding each other, and I thought this is so powerful.
Speaker 2:And it is so sad that it is not easier or more intuitive for us, but that does not mean it's impossible. And if there's anything I learned from the symposium this weekend, it's about how easily we can be connected even when we don't have everything figured out yet. Like, we don't have to be completely healed or perfectly social or know how to do all the things. Guys, we don't know how to do the things because of developmental tasks and experiences we missed because of trauma and deprivation. So, of course, we don't know it all yet, and, of course, we don't feel confident yet.
Speaker 2:So I feel like I guess my point is one of the things I really got out of this weekend was just getting my confidence back. Like, these accurate mirrors of, hey. You also experienced this thing or I tell you about this thing, and you are mirroring back to me the same thing I was feeling, which means what I was feeling was exactly right. It's like that episode when my therapist was talking about right to run. It's like this except it was right to feel, and my feelings have been exactly right.
Speaker 2:So instead of a drowning in them all by myself, what happens if I honor those feelings, hold space for those feelings, whatever that means, but, I mean, like, tolerating them and letting them be? And then out of that, growing new muscles, new skills, new capacity that I've never had before to maintain these friendships. So instead of saying, hey. I had a really hard year, and I didn't have words or know how to talk about it, and just letting everything that I care about slip away from me, like, how to wake myself up and be like, no. This is my life.
Speaker 2:This is a community I helped create that I'm a part of myself, and it's okay to reclaim, redefine, reshape, realign with who I know I am, who I want to be, and what I want my participation in my own life to look like, to feel like, and even to sound like. This is it. Like, I don't wanna miss out on any more life. I wanna enjoy what it is. So whether that's me functioning in my own home, me functioning at work, me functioning in my local community.
Speaker 2:Like, I have gotten myself registered to vote this week, and I have made friends who live here locally this week. That's such a big deal. Or whether it's broader in the community or even in the world. We're going to be speaking at Healing Together next year. We'll be at ISSTD annual conference next year.
Speaker 2:I don't know when the next symposium will be, but we're doing a religious trauma retreat weekend, like another symposium, but religious trauma specific. We're doing that May, if you wanna save that date. And, yes, relationships and friendships are hard because of attachment wounds from memory time. But I am kicking it in therapy. I am working hard in therapy, and it is working.
Speaker 2:It is helping me. I am healing. I am learning the things I need to learn and doing the things I need to do to get better even if that's slow or takes time or whatever that looks like, and friendships are still practice. I don't have to have it figured out yet or know all the things yet. And even if I did, I wouldn't get it right all the time because I'm a human.
Speaker 2:And my friends also are learning, so they also have to say the things and set their own boundaries and deal with their own fireballs. And all of that is hard to navigate. And, yes, it hurts when we step in each other's attachment wounds, but that's not the same as malicious harm. And so holding space or giving room to tolerate and understand and offer grace or whatever is the nonreligious version of that, I need help with that in English if anyone wants to write in and give me language there. But to be able to say, we are in this together.
Speaker 2:I already choose you. We are learning. So, yes, sometimes hard conversations or sometimes renegotiating boundaries or sometimes making some boundaries explicit. And, also, I'm still your friend. And, also, I'm still here.
Speaker 2:And, also, I still care. And, also, I still see you. I still hear you. It has been life changing for me, the potential of this being possible. Is that, like, a present progressive way to hold space, the potential of what is possible?
Speaker 2:While I can acknowledge I don't necessarily have it yet, but it is in process, and I am actively in process of trying to be in process. Like, that's about as present progressive. That's like the meta of the meta of present progressive. I am trying and I'm learning, and it is amazing, and people are worth it. Connection is worth it.
Speaker 2:So me owning my mistakes, learning developmental things I missed out on before, and also allowing myself to heal and move forward even with that as part of acceptance, right, that I don't have to fight other people's fireballs. I can't win that. A friend said that to me this weekend at the symposium. I said, I can't win that, and they said, you don't have to win that. Other people are healing that.
Speaker 2:What I need to focus on are my own fireballs and heal my own stuff. It was such clarity for me, and it has helped me tremendously. I feel after a very, very sad year that this weekend gave me a fresh start in ways I didn't know I needed. I am connected to my therapist. I am connected to my community, and it's time to get connected to myself.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening. Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeak.com. We'll see you there.