Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest into the lives of others. Find out more at youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You can mentor. Mentors, what's going on?
Speaker 1:We got a new podcast today with my man, Derek Sire. We're talking about race, cultural exposure, the words that you say when talking about your your ment ees, talking about their neighborhoods, their churches, the life that they live. We're talking about having compassion, being curious, facing our own, honestly, just sin and, our farts when it comes to how we see our neighbors. We're talking about white mentors being exposed to black culture, our mentees who are not white being exposed to white culture, how sometimes just we have the best of intentions, but we sometimes unknowingly try to save our mentees and save their kids. Sometimes the words that we use in our perspective are not giving worth and honor and value.
Speaker 1:It's a good podcast. It's it's a great way to start conversations about these really important topics, about culture, about race, about you going into to other people's communities and trying to support them, trying to, help them experience Jesus by way of mentoring. So, yeah, take a listen to the podcast. Share it with your friends. If you're an organization, this is
Speaker 2:a
Speaker 1:great podcast to share with your people and say, let's have a conversation. Tell me your perspective on this. So check out the pod. Share it. Give it a five star.
Speaker 1:And remember, You Mentor. Alright. Welcome to the You Mentor podcast. This is Zach. I'm with my friend Derek.
Speaker 1:Derek, say hello. Hello, governor. Derek all of a sudden moved to London, and he is international mentoring expert.
Speaker 2:I think it's because of this London fog that I'm drinking. Oh. We just opened up a cafe downstairs at Restore. Actually, that's where I'm at right now. You can see all the Restore staff back there.
Speaker 2:Uh-huh. Actually, we probably need to update that picture because I'm not on it. Wow.
Speaker 1:Like so, like, picture looks straight out of 1984. It's like, look. People from different races like each other.
Speaker 2:It's like We have a diverse organization. Look at her.
Speaker 1:Let's all smile. Have our shirts tucked in. It's awesome.
Speaker 2:Oh, that's hilarious. Oh. But, yeah, we have a cafe downstairs. Opened it up in October, and one of the drinks I've been working with our baristo is London Fog. So I'm sipping one right now.
Speaker 1:Okay. So tell so so tell people just one or two sentences, what is Restore OKC?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So Restore OKC is a five and a half acre farm in the middle of the Northeast Side Of Oklahoma City, and we have supportive employment. It's an asset based organization that uses supportive employment to kind of help stabilize people, get them back on their feet, and kind of maintain their honor and dignity in the process. And so we have an adult workforce, we have youth workforce, we had internships, and we're in schools, we do home renovations and repairs, we have a grocery store, micro grocery store, have a farm, a youth led culinary kitchen called the Eastside Eatery. I mean, just kinda got these these ministry arms and these enterprises that we used to kinda help support kids and families.
Speaker 2:So it started with the five and a half acre farm and just grew from there.
Speaker 1:It's awesome, man. Love it.
Speaker 2:Love So it's one of the skeletons, by the way.
Speaker 1:But it was to sneak. I it was good. It was good. Okay. What is asset based?
Speaker 1:Why don't you tell anyone who who hasn't ever heard that term before? It's a very important term.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. You just look around the community, and you see what's there. You see what people are good at. Instead of oftentimes, people, like, they bring things from outside the community in, and they don't ask the people that live there if they want it.
Speaker 2:They just break it because from the outside, it looks like you guys need it. And so asset base is the opposite of that. It looks internally in the community. It sees what's there. It sees what people are good at.
Speaker 2:It sees what people want. They tell us what they need, and then we kinda build around that. And so our grocery stores, because there wasn't one, people said, hey, we wanted a grocery store. And then the people that live over here work in the grocery store. We wanted talking about food sustainability.
Speaker 2:Well, it's like, we started in schools doing these raised beds, east gardens in schools. People wanted them in their homes. It's like, well, let's find a place for people to gather. So we have found some land. We came up on the land from a church, and then from there, we had an outdoor garden.
Speaker 2:Now we had indoor stuff. I mean, we're just kind of looking around and kinda seeing what people need and want, and if they're willing to partner with us, can we partner with them in order to make it happen? So asset based organization is what are the assets in the community, and how can we develop them, not only as people, but enterprise business as well.
Speaker 1:And why is that important, Dirk?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So when you think about having people be a part of the process, it allows them to play a part in their own repair, in their own recovery, in their own success, in their own scalability, in their own wins, instead of people coming from the outside and just handing it to them, which comes oftentimes with, like, a undercurrent of pity. And so when you use the assets in the community to build the community, that community builds itself up versus anybody from the outside coming in and doing the work.
Speaker 1:Which I know from my experience, like, it is it's a great move and one that I wholeheartedly support mostly because once the, quote, unquote, help leaves, the community takes care of itself. Absolutely. So they aren't, you know, having to rely upon someone from the outside who's coming in to kinda help support, but instead, they are essentially changing their community from the inside out. It's really cool. Man, we got deep fast there, didn't we, Derek?
Speaker 1:No. But how's it going today, man? Today's Friday. I mean, we're about to hit Thanksgiving. I mean, how is everything in the world of the great Derek's hiring today?
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. I was talking to somebody earlier. I was like, I have to on my schedule, I have to because it's time available, it doesn't mean I have to fill it, and I haven't quite learned that lesson yet. And so this morning going, I had a 08:30, I had a 09:30 that ended before our connecting at 10:45.
Speaker 2:After this, I have a 12:00, and then I have a 01:00, and then I have a 02:00, and then I have a 03:30, and then I have a 04:00, and then I have a 06:00, and then I go hang hang out with some friends after that. And so this is gonna be a whirlwind of a day, but hopefully, at the end of the day, when I lay in bed and pull my wife close and close my eyes, I can thank the Lord for all the wonderful connections I've made and all the energy that I've had and an opportunity to experience, all the good that I've been able to do and experience, and I can have sweet dreams. That's the hope.
Speaker 1:And you gotta learn how to toss in some of those buffers. Like, hey. I need fifteen minutes here. I need thirty minutes there. Eat lunch.
Speaker 1:You should go work out or something. Go play some golf. I know you're a golfer.
Speaker 2:I am, but I know. I mean, you're you're telling me something that I know I should do. Yeah. It's just I haven't found a way to to say no yet. I just people are like, you wanna grab?
Speaker 2:Yes. You wanna yes. Yes. I can. Yeah.
Speaker 2:You wanna yes. Absolutely. Hang out with Zach. Absolutely. Wanna do it.
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Man, the joy of the Lord is my strength, and you're a joyful man, my friend.
Speaker 2:So I'll take it.
Speaker 1:Okay. So last time we met, we talked about race. We talked about the weird conversation, like, hey. How can we talk about this in a way that's honoring, that's kinda, you know, taking a tough subject but talking about in a way that's that's fun. And so tell me what kind of feedback you have received from our conversation on the pod last month.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. I've had several people reach out after they listen to it, and they wanna have the conversation. They wanna continue the con the conversation. I think one of the the things that I've noticed about a topic like this is, you know, we've talked before, I'm not an agitator, and I I know that agitators have their place.
Speaker 2:And when I say agitated, it's not a negative connotation to it. It's just people that like to, you know, bring the topic back to the front of our minds. They wanna put it at the back the top of your inbox at the top of your you know, they wanna bring it back because it hasn't been addressed yet. And I think there are there's room for people like that. There's a place for people like that.
Speaker 2:But I try to be more of a bridge builder, and I try to approach it from, like, a connected perspective. And so I found that people also want to kinda connect these ideas, and they wanna walk over this bridge of, like, peace, and they wanna be right, and they don't want this they don't wanna say the wrong thing because they want their intentions to speak purely, but a lot of people don't wanna do it on a public platform like this. They wanna do it over a coffee. They wanna, you know, do it over lunch. They wanna do it in ones and twos.
Speaker 2:And so what I found is that having a conversation like this between you and I and putting it on a public platform, it gives people almost the permission to finish it offline or it introduces an idea or a thought that maybe they've had a wrestle with. And now being accessible, people like Zach and Derek, people were they I post it and then they can go in my inbox. They can DM me and say, hey. That's a really cool, delicate conversation. Can we meet and talk about it more?
Speaker 2:Or can you come over to my staff and talk about it more? Or can you do a training about that? I think their response has been, hey. Let's talk about it more instead of, like, Derek, quit being an agitator. So it's been a really positive response.
Speaker 1:And and if if there's a conversation that needs to be had in regards to mentoring, I think it's this one. Like, it's it is such a big deal because and this is what we're gonna talk this is what we will talk about today is just culture. It's just this this isn't two people who have same experiences, same stories, same churches, same schools. No. Like, you you are transcending culture, and you have a different perspective of so many things that you deal with on a consistent basis.
Speaker 1:And so, I don't know, man. It's a big deal. And I think people who say, man, it doesn't matter culture, doesn't matter race. I I don't know if I agree with that. I think it does matter.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. And so
Speaker 2:It's also one of those things of, like, when you and let me know if I'm getting ahead of myself. I know that when people say, they just see people, I just see the blood of Christ. I just see Jesus, you know? It's like, you're you're literally erasing a a large part of who I am. Like, how how fortunate to be able to remove what people see about you and exist and operate in a world based on who you are on the inside.
Speaker 2:I think that's what we all want. Like, look at my heart. Like, you know, look at my soul and my spirit and my intentions. Like, look at how smart I am. And I I don't know that everybody gets that opportunity.
Speaker 2:They don't get that privilege because we all see we all see this first. You see my skin and my my gender, and you see, you know, that I'm a heavy sack guy, you see, you know, all these things about me before you get to see the core of who I am. And so to dismiss that dismisses part of who I it's a large part of who I am. It's a large part of how I exist in the world. It's a large piece of how people engage me initially, not not only initially, but further down the line.
Speaker 2:So for you to dismiss that and not wanna talk about it and not address it is hurtful. It's neglectful almost.
Speaker 1:Man, I can I can remember, Derek, like, being a teacher? So I was a teacher and a coach, you know, at kind of a fun school up in Dallas for about a decade. And I remember one day, you know, I just started out trying to be a mentor, and my school was probably 70%, you know, high society. But then the other kids, right, just kinda came from, quote, unquote, the other side of the tracks and, you know, predominantly Hispanic, African American. And I remembered I got a new kid in my class.
Speaker 1:And this kid came in, and he kinda, you know, had a had a haircut and had on a shirt and had his pants down low and kinda came in with, like, a little bit of a swagger. And I remember seeing him and instinctively thinking to myself, okay, Zach. You can't show weakness because this kid will take advantage of you. Mhmm. And I sat him at the very front of my class Because in my head, I knew, quote, unquote, I knew.
Speaker 1:I was like, I've seen kids like this before, and they're trouble. The very the very next day, a kid comes into my class, and he's dressed up. He's got his shirt tucked in. He's a white kid with the swoop. Right?
Speaker 1:You know? He's wearing the polo. He's got the you know? And I'm like, oh, this kid, man, I can't wait to meet him. He's probably and I sit him in the back by his friends.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And I just remember the Lord kinda, like, stirring it up. He's like, you don't know the kid who came in yesterday, and you don't know this kid who came in today. How come you're treating them differently? And I'm just like, man, like, there's so many things in the bible about paying special attention to someone based upon where they're from or what they wear and their titles and just like, man, I am I am treating this kid differently because of how he looks, where I perceive he comes from.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And that's not right. Like, that's sinful. And yeah, so no. No. No.
Speaker 1:Please. I wanna hear your thoughts on that.
Speaker 2:Yeah. You know, our our brains, they they try to work very efficiently. And the work that our brains, that my brain does, it it works quickly so that I can move on to the next thing. It's like, oh, I know what that is. Like, you know, we could talk about survival and talk about the importance of recognizing something quickly, But how does that that evolution or that learned experience impact the way that we engage people?
Speaker 2:It's like, oh, I've seen I've seen this kid. Not only have I seen this kid, but I have personal experience with this kid. And my brain works to move quickly to categorize that that kid, to equip me or to prepare me on how to engage that human so that I can move to the next level. Right? Okay.
Speaker 2:I know how this kid is. This is how I'm gonna speak. Okay. I know that kid's probably used so I get to do this. And so because our brain is moving so fast, we don't do the work of getting to know people as individuals.
Speaker 2:Right? The work that it takes for me to slow down and to ask questions and to build a completely unique and individualized profile for this human requires work. It requires me to slow down. It requires me to create a brand new box that fits this human uniquely and specifically, and as a teacher specifically, if I have to do that for every single kid, man, am I gonna get to teach? Am I ever gonna get to the current?
Speaker 2:Am I ever gonna So what our brain does, and we have to be conscious of this, what our brain does, is that based on what we see on TV, what we hear in music, movies, lived experience, what we heard other people talk about, other teachers, other mentors, other coaches, other, It's like I'm collecting all this data, and when that person walks through the door, I put that person in a box. I use all this data to calculate, am I gonna have a problem with this kid, or is this kid gonna be one of one of the good ones? How's this kid gonna speak? What is his parents gonna be like? What type of home does he come from?
Speaker 2:Is his dad around? What's his socioeconomic status? Are they spiritual? Are they believers? If they are believers, what type of do they drink?
Speaker 2:Do they smoke? The the what kind of gun history does he have? Is he an athlete? If he is an athlete, what sport does he play? Is he going what's his work ethic?
Speaker 2:Like, all these things that we do in our mind so that we can move to the next moment. And the reason one of the things we do it, I believe, is because we have a certain level of success doing it. If we fail doing that more than we succeed it, then we wouldn't do it as much as we do. But because my success rate is so high in moving quickly and putting that person in a box, I continue to do it more than not. And we gotta slow that process down.
Speaker 1:And we have to slow down, and we have to intentionally do the work because and, Derek, this is what's so crazy. I'm gonna be honest here. Right? Okay. So, like, I have a heart for kids who don't have dads around.
Speaker 1:I was a teacher at a tough school for a long time. Me and my wife adopted a young man, African American kid, great kid. My profession is mentoring, and I still have to catch myself. And so I'm thinking to myself, man, if if I, with and I love Jesus with all my heart, like, I have experience. If me, if I still, after all my experiences, after all my years, then how much more does the guy who has been mentoring a kid for six months?
Speaker 1:And I don't know. And this is what's so crazy, Derek. I don't know if I'm ever going to be, quote, unquote, kinda healed of that. Like, I might be 70 years old, and if I see a kid who has his pants pulled down low, African American kid, has a you know, on, like, a different kind of haircut, driving a certain kind of car, my instinct, my natural sinful reaction is gonna be bad. And that's jacked up.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that that is so messed up, man. And so I for so long, right, like, when when god opened my eyes to this, I took a look around. Was like, oh my gosh.
Speaker 1:Am I making a disciple of Jesus, or am I making a disciple of Zach Garza? Do do I want to remove this kid from his bad, quote, unquote, bad environment and insert him into my, quote, unquote, good environment? Right? And so that's I mean, dude, that that is what I wanna talk about today is this cultural exposure. Yeah.
Speaker 1:And how do we deal with these misnomers? Like, how do we deal with this confirmation bias with I mean, we're talking about money. We're talking about where they live, if they live in a house, if they live in an apartment, if they have a dad. If they don't, we're talking about food, vacations, education. This impacts everything.
Speaker 1:Absolutely. So I wanna hear your thoughts on it.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So one the things that when I do mentor training, I do this initial mentor assessment and it asks some very basic questions like, have you mentored before? If you have, what type of mentoring did you do?
Speaker 2:Do you have, like, a ideal mentee that you would love to connect with, like, you know, gender, age range? You know, do you wanna mentor once a week or once a month? You wanna do group mentorship? Do you wanna do one on one? Do know I'm trying to get all this information because I'm trying to figure out what's the mindset or the commitment level or the involvement or the desire or the willingness of this this person that wants to to mentor.
Speaker 2:And I'm always interested the interesting part of the mentor assessment is when we start getting down to demographics. Okay. So I figured out you have mentor before or maybe you haven't. This is how the frequency this is the location and where you wanna mentor. Alright.
Speaker 2:So let's talk about do you wanna mentor a boy or a girl? Okay. What age? Okay. Do you have a a race preference?
Speaker 2:Like, do you not want to or do you do want to? And no matter what the answer is, I always have the follow-up of, like, oh, why not that? Okay. So you don't wanna you don't wanna mentor black kids. Why not?
Speaker 2:Even if you I don't care who you would've said. Oh, you you only wanna mentor white kids. Oh, why is that? Why not? You know, like, oh, okay.
Speaker 2:Because I'm trying to get down to the the heart of why you want to influence and why you want to guide and teach and help. And the the answer that always gets me the most are the people that are like, you know, and these are we're very specifically talking about white male mentors or that want to mentor young black boys. You know, I just feel like and we go down the the stereotypical list, you know, they don't have a father figure, education, exposure, sports. If they only had this, then they would be able to do this, and all these different things. And I'm like, oh, so you wanna you wanna play Jesus?
Speaker 2:Oh, you wanna come in and save this black kid from their horrible mother, horrible father, horrible family surroundings, horrible And here's the thing, they don't even know that kid. They don't even know the situation. They're just taking all this information that they believe exists because of what they understand about mentorship and who this kid is, and so they're already coming into the situation with some bias, with some prejudice, with some misnobers and some misunderstandings. And so then we backed all the way back out. And so, alright.
Speaker 2:So what we're do? We're not gonna put you with a kid. That's what we're gonna do. What we're gonna do before we put you with a kid is we're gonna have you show up to events. That's what we're gonna have you do.
Speaker 2:And we're gonna get you involved in a group settings. And we're gonna, you know, make you serve hot dogs. That's what you gotta do for the first month. You're gonna serve hot dogs, and you're gonna set up tables and chairs, and you're gonna dump trash. And in the process, we're gonna, you know, help we're gonna let you sit in on an activity, and you get to hear some things, and you get to figure out some things.
Speaker 2:Now here's the here's the lesson that we're trying to get to, is that while maybe some of that while some of that may be true, going in with the expectation or the assumption that it is puts that kid at a disadvantage in the mentoring experience. Let's just say everything that you thought was true. Let's just say it is. When you go into it with that assumption versus confirming or finding out or discovering, what you do is you take an approach that may be the wrong approach and you put that kid at a disservice. It's almost like I I there's a little person that that lived in my neighborhood and I was I I remember asking them this question.
Speaker 2:I used to see them walking around and they, you know, in my mind, and I'm gonna put foot in mouth because I don't know the language, doing normal stuff. And I saw this person get in a car and I was like, what is happening? What are you doing? I'm freaking out. Anyhow, go to this person's car because I was like, surely they can't drive.
Speaker 2:Anyhow, they had this whole car retrofitted. They had like the pedals were up and they had like I was like, Derek, you are an idiot. You're so dumb. You don't know you know, I'm just really I'm beating myself down because I made some assumptions based on what I thought I knew and I really had no idea. And so I addressed that person that way.
Speaker 2:So the reason is this goes into all these different things. We're talking about family construct, side of town that they live in, socioeconomic status, their religion and faith, their educational systems, all these different things. It's because we gotta get to know those things so that we could engage in mentorship appropriately and accurately. Because if we don't, we're doing it based on assumptions that may not be true.
Speaker 1:Man, so, like, there there was a kid in our mentoring program. Great kid. I'm such a good kid. I'm gonna call him e. And then e was just you know, his parents were from The Middle East.
Speaker 1:You know? And his parents were, like, devout kind of Muslim. So I find this out. And in my head, I'm like, man, this mom's not gonna be for us mentoring this kid in the name of Jesus. She's not gonna be for coming to any of our events.
Speaker 1:She's not gonna she's not she's not she's not. And one day, I go up there, and I meet her in her apartment. And when she comes to the door, she gives me the biggest hug that I've ever gotten from a stranger. And she just starts,
Speaker 3:oh, mister Zach, I am so thankful for you. I love you. I'm so thankful that you're investing into e. Here, have
Speaker 1:some food. She, like, brings out food for me. And, bro, for the next five years, like, she came to every event. She championed my wife. She championed us.
Speaker 1:She was, like, the most encouraging person out there. Mhmm. And I felt so bad because the only thing that I thought before I met her was this person's against me. Like, surely this person can't be for me because they believe something differently than me. Right?
Speaker 1:Mhmm. I think it's so so so fascinating how I find myself assuming if a kid's white, I assume that their dad's around. And if I find out that their dad's not around, I'm shocked.
Speaker 2:Like, really?
Speaker 1:If a kid's black, I assume that their dad's not around. And if I find out that their dad is, I'm shocked. Mhmm. And that, like, it kinda goes it kinda goes back to what we were saying earlier. That is an assumption that I don't even know that I'm having.
Speaker 1:Yeah. And I was like, man, how'd that happen? Like, I don't understand how I came to the conclusion. Maybe it's because that's all I see on TV, or maybe that's because that's all I hear on the news, or maybe it's because I don't know, but I know that that's not right. So
Speaker 2:Yeah. You know, even research is is showing now, like, the this idea of the the black father being absent or not around, I think it's it's it's being it's always been misrepresented. When you think about active fathers, right, it's like a I'm gonna put two ideas next to each other. Having a father that's in the home, but not active and present, can sometimes be more negatively impactful than a father who is not in the home but is active and present. And so when we talk about an absent father, oftentimes, we've associated him being in the home as active and present.
Speaker 2:And so a lot of that data that has been shown or being discussed is talking about fathers in the home with the assumption that because the father is in the home, that he's active and present. But if you look at the data, specifically with black dads, even if that father is not in the home, it's shown that black dads are just as, and if not more involved in the children's life, active and present, when they're not in the home. And so now, if we start looking at that data, then the narrative around black fathers begins to change significantly. We wanna talk about prison and jail and drugs and all this other stuff, but we're talking about presence and activity regardless if you're in the home or not. I I know I know white kids that have dads that are are in the home, but they work a ton.
Speaker 2:They're they're working seventy, eighty hours a week. They miss the the soccer games, and they're not coming to parent teacher conferences, and they're not having dentists with their family. But because they aren't living somewhere else and their permanent residence is the home where everybody is, he's considered to be in the home versus another dad that has, you know, a blue collar job that leaves early to make sure he can pick the kids up, take them to football practice, probably actually volunteers as a as a coach or as active. You know what I'm saying? Like, so when we're talking about these misnomers and these prejudices, even the way research is is reported is bias.
Speaker 1:There's a book that I really like. It's called it's called it's called I'm doing the best I can, being a father in the inner city, and it it talks about that. I mean, I can I can remember? So, like, for a long time, our not for profit up in Dallas, we worked for kids who didn't have fathers inside the home. And we called those kids, those kids, they are they are fatherless.
Speaker 1:And after about five years, it kinda came from me because I didn't want people to call me fatherless. You know? I'm like, no. I I have a dad. You know?
Speaker 1:Like, I am not fatherless. I grew up in a home where my father wasn't present. Mhmm. And we changed calling our kids, like, hey. You're not father.
Speaker 1:You just live in a home where you don't have a father figure present. Mhmm. And that small shift actually makes a really big difference. And so, man, like, especially as I grow older I mean, I'm a father. You're a father.
Speaker 1:We've both been married. Being married is hard. Like, I love my wife. I do. I love Jesus.
Speaker 1:It's great. I love my kids. I feel like I'm a good man. It's it's the hardest thing I've ever done is being a good father, being being a good husband. And so, man, instead of seeing these people with judgment, oh, you got divorced.
Speaker 1:Oh, you had sex before marriage, and you guys had a kid out of wedlock. Like, how do I change instead of judgment compassion, instead of judgment grace? Yeah. Because I get it. Right?
Speaker 1:I mean, sometimes bad things happen. Sometimes we mess up. Sometimes things just don't work out. But but I want us as mentors, and I don't know how to do this, so I wanna hear how how do we grow in compassion? How do we grow in grace?
Speaker 1:How how do we overcome this with, you know, a couple action items, Derek?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So empathy, compassion, grace, to me, without curiosity, comes from a place of pity. Without curiosity, grace, compassion, empathy comes from a place of pity of like, oh, like, I I feel this thing of like, oh. Like, when you're curious about people and you can root your empathy, your compassion, and your grace, when you can root that in something that is honorable, that is circumstantial, that is that is salvageable with purpose, like, that's where I believe compassion comes out of a good place. When you root compassion out of, like, this is God's creation, and he has a plan for this person's life, and he is not done with them, that there's redeemable moments throughout time, even though they may have missed them, that God has another plan, that he has another plan, that he's continually to work all things for the good, for those that are called according to his purpose, right, and they believe him.
Speaker 2:So when we apply these things, when they are rooted in something that is life giving, that is honorable, that is salvageable, that is redemptive, instead of instead of pity, then I I think that's where curiosity comes in, and we we can never get there without curiosity. Curiosity makes you ask questions. Curiosity allows you to remember things and connect the dots. Curiosity about a a person makes you curious about that person's surroundings. And so now not only am I curious about you, I can't fully understand you until I become curious about your family.
Speaker 2:And I can't fully understand your family until I understand the environment. And I can't really be curious and compassionate and empathetic and feel grace about you or your family and your environment until I understand systems and how systems have impacted your environment, which has impacted your family, which has impacted you, which is why you appear and interact and engage in this way. And so curiosity, as it attempts to learn, it has to grow roots. It has to be rooted. Curiosity has to be rooted in the fact that this is a human that is created by God, that has a plan and a purpose, and that they are not an object of my pity.
Speaker 1:And they have a story that's worth hearing?
Speaker 2:Absolutely.
Speaker 1:Like, I can remember we were doing a thing for dads, Or no. No. We had a kid who didn't have a father in the home. And one day, we're in our after school program, and his dad shows up. And his dad's kinda mad.
Speaker 1:He was like, hey, man. I heard that you guys think that my kid needs a mentor. And I could tell on his face that, you know, this was gonna be a tough conversation. Yeah. So was like, hey, man.
Speaker 1:Why don't the two of us go in there and have a conversation? And he's hot. But I was just like, hey. Look, man. I'm just gonna tell you my story.
Speaker 1:And so I told him my story, then I asked him his story. And for the next fifty minutes, man, we just had a conversation. And at the end of it, he's like, man, I am just like you. I am just trying to do the best I can. And I love my son, and I'm I'm trying to do the best I can with the hand that I've been dealt.
Speaker 1:Is there any way that you and your you know, you and these people here can can help me connect with my son? Yeah. And I was like, man,
Speaker 2:like, these
Speaker 1:people aren't bad because they're poor. These people aren't bad because they don't like, they're not in the home with their son. Like, life happens, and we have to slow down. We have to do the work. We have to ask the questions Yeah.
Speaker 1:And learn about this this person, this child of God. Because just like you have a purpose, just like I have a purpose, these people have a purpose. And so we have to treat them with honor. We have to see them with as a child of God. Like, God, give give me eyes to see all people, how you see them, that they have worth, that they have value.
Speaker 1:And I I think sometimes we we miss that whenever we're so busy trying to quote unquote kinda save this kid. Mhmm. So
Speaker 2:Yeah. Let me let me chime in on there too. I wanna take the the opposite of that the polar end of that. That dad isn't good because he's in the home. That dad isn't good because he makes a lot of money.
Speaker 2:That dad isn't a good dad because he whatever else. Right? Because on the other end, we have that dad isn't, you know, he's not a bad dad because they're poor or because, you know, whatever else. Well, on the other side, those things on their own don't make you a good dad either. And so when we think about how we should surround kids, I think for somebody for an adult to feel like because my kid needs somebody else, that means that I'm not doing what I'm supposed to do is a false conception.
Speaker 2:That is not true. Right? There's research that shows that one caring adult in a kid's life can change the trajectory of their life. Well, think about having five or 10. Think about having coaches and teachers and counselors and a therapist and pastors and uncles and aunties and grandma and grandpa, like, all these caring adults around a kid, regardless of if you're poor or rich or you stay on either side of town or you're renting or owner, whether you ride the bus or have a car or whether you whoever it is, caring adults, they have a a positive trajectory on the life of kids.
Speaker 2:And just because you're in one situation doesn't make you bad. Just because you're in another doesn't make you good. It's the acclamation. It's the sum of all those things that that that that make you present and make you impactful or not.
Speaker 1:Yep. Okay. So as we kinda try to finish this up, it's like, what are some things that we can take away? What are what are some things that our audiences and our not for profits and our mentors can take away from this conversation? I know one, for me, it's like, man, what would it look like as a not for profit for us to champion all the most important people in our kids' lives?
Speaker 1:So I wanna champion the single mom. I wanna champion the the dad, whether he's inside of the home or not. Mhmm. I wanna champion their school. I wanna champion their neighborhood or their apartment complex.
Speaker 1:Like, I want to change my perspective from this is bad, kinda like to what we talked about at the very first note. This is an asset. Mhmm. And what what does this have that can help our kid fulfill their potential? Because that is the goal.
Speaker 1:The goal is the kid. So how can I champion where they find themselves? I think that that's one thing.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Yeah. I think I think so adding to that, the first thing I I would really encourage mentors when they're establishing themselves in the lives of their mentees, be curious. That fifth I would say, if you're me for an hour, fifty minutes of that should be about that. It's all about the kid.
Speaker 2:It's all about the kid. You our experiences will trickle in, they will, but we gotta be curious about this kid, and what we're genuinely curious, will the appropriate connections in our own life will present themselves to connect and tie to that thing? If that kid loves sports, you're asking what they love about sports, and how long have they been playing sports, and what does sports do for you in your life? And then after I dig into that, I'm gonna be like, know, was a college athlete, and they go to her, what? That's crazy.
Speaker 2:For real? And then I get to talk about myself a little bit, but it's all about them. It's it's all about them, and then I get to find opportunities to add rapport and credibility based on my lived experience, and that's where a relationship comes from. When I ask them questions, when I remember those details, when I dig into who they are, their family, their communities, systems that they exist in, then I can that's an actionable item that that people can walk away from today, that can sustain them the entire life of of of mentoring. The second thing is I think we have to create opportunities for people to connect.
Speaker 2:I think oftentimes, we tell a mentor, we're like, hey. Go go do the thing, and we're just assuming that they're gonna know how to do the thing well. Well, I think as organizations from a from a structural, right, from a systematic perspective, I think when we provide opportunities for mentors and mentees, for families and mentors, from for for, like, people to connect, then we take the brainpower that they're using to do the thing away, and they get to focus only on connecting. This is what I love about, like, going to an event. It's like this is what I love about movies, where a book and not to say that I don't enjoy books, but books, I have to do all the work.
Speaker 2:I have to paint the picture, fill in the colors. I gotta how tall they are, how many muscles they have. I gotta how they move, and I gotta do all that work versus a movie will do the work for me. Well, if I want mentors and mentees to have a good time connecting, if I want mom and dad and I want organization and institution and community to just come together, then I have to I have to do the hard work upfront so that all they have to do is worry about connecting. So one, I think we can be curious.
Speaker 2:I think that drives the relationship. The second thing is is opportunities to connect. And that as as organizations and institutions, we can provide opportunities for mentors and mentees and families in organizations to connect, then takes the brainpower away from them. All they have to do is focus on having fun and connect.
Speaker 1:Yep. I would say one thing to add on to that is learn their stories. So in the interview kind of process at these events, find mom, find the grandma, find aunt, find uncle, find everyone, and just share share your story, ask them their story, and that will help you grow a heart for them, and that will help them grow a heart for you as well. And so there's so much power in in our testimony. Man, I would just say this also just be real careful about your words.
Speaker 1:So, like, probably not a great idea to call a kid fatherless. Probably not a good idea to call a neighborhood the hood or the ghetto. You know? Oh, man. That's ghetto.
Speaker 1:That's this that like, that's someone's home. Like, they're doing the best job that they can. Be real careful when you're comparing normals. Because if your normal is a 4,000 square foot house with five bedrooms and four bathrooms and you go to this, you know, house that's a thousand square feet and there's only one bathroom. And, oh, man.
Speaker 1:That place is dirty. That place is small. That place is this and that. Like, well, that's that is just your opinion. To them, it's normal.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And so yeah. So just, like, be be very careful about the labels you put on people, the how you talk about places, how you talk about where where they spend their time, whether it's their school or their church or their neighborhood. Just be super careful about that.
Speaker 2:That'd We'd to open up a whole another can of worms. We can't even talk about that, man. We've been out here for forty minutes. We can't dive back into that. Zay?
Speaker 1:I know. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Speaker 2:Okay. Oh, wait. I gotta give you I gotta give you one more. I gotta give you one more.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Come here. Don't don't treat people's communities like destinations or field trips. I catch a lot of people in Oklahoma City, it's the East Side Of Oklahoma City, but, hey, we're gonna go eat. Drumroll, on the East Side. And it's like a mic drop, you know, you kinda lean back because you gotta be brave to go to the East Side.
Speaker 2:And you don't ever go to the East Side like and so today oh, Guess where I ate today? On the East Side. Yep. Right over there at you know what they named the restaurant? People are like, what?
Speaker 2:You ate at the East on the East Side? Like, when we
Speaker 1:Man, I heard a gunshot. I heard a gunshot.
Speaker 2:Oh, listen. And and listen. And and nobody got shot. I didn't know where it came from. Police flying down.
Speaker 2:Man, we do this all the time. We treat people, and people live here. People this is where people born and raised generations over here. And when you treat it like that, like, even even the micro I was gonna say a microaggression, I don't wanna make it aggressive. The micro addressing of a community where I live and how you reference it, it seeps into my psyche of even my self identity and the community in which I exist.
Speaker 2:And if I don't watch, if I'm unaware, then I begin to address where I live, how other people see it, instead of how I see it every single day. That's dangerous. Words matter, bro.
Speaker 1:Okay. Words matter. This will be the last thing I say is just as as mentors, we have to be humble enough to accept the fact that we do have these preconceived notions, that we are a little bit judgmental, whether it's racist. Like, we we do whether we know it or not, we do have stereotypes.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:And we need to slow down. We need to do the work. We need to call it what it is. We need to we need to confess and repent. Say, Lord, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:Need to ask for his perspective on people, his perspective on places, his perspective on things, and this is work. So, man, as as mentors, let us slow down. Let us do the work. Let us be humble enough to call it like it is and say, hey. This is an issue that we have.
Speaker 1:And then let us lead with curiosity knowing that these people have a story, these people have worth, these people have value, and it's our job to partner with them to help heaven come down here on earth. So It's good. Alright, brother. Have a great day. Thank you for the pod, man.
Speaker 1:Anything else we got? That's it. We good?
Speaker 2:I love this stuff. I love this stuff. Yeah. Like, if if anybody wants to continue to have the conversation, I mean, I would encourage people to listen to the pod first, share the pod, because sometimes the conversation that happens here so I'll and I'll say this. When you share this when you share this podcast, it it elevates your starting point.
Speaker 2:So instead of having the conversation from zero, it it starts it at a five. Right? And so sharing the pie gets the conversation going before you actually have the conversation. Hey, man. Listen to this.
Speaker 2:Let's talk about it. I think it's a really great way. So for those of you that are interested in talking about mentorship, especially as it pertains around race, I think these these two pots that we've done will start the conversation at five instead of zero and allow you to make a little bit more room for it. So share it. Reach out to us.
Speaker 2:We're willing to have a conversation the same way we're having in here.
Speaker 1:Amen. And remember, you can mentor. Thanks for tuning in to the you can mentor podcast. Our vision is to raise up and invest in mentoring leaders who will launch and grow thriving mentoring ministries. We do that by equipping and encouraging faith based leaders through relational connection, Christ centered resources, and collaborative gatherings.
Speaker 1:Check out our books, come to the National Christian Mentoring Gathering, and engage with our network and cohorts. You can find all this at ukmentor.com or on social media. Please share this episode with a mentoring friend and leave us that five star review. Thank you. You can mentor.