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“Know Your Children with Rav Shlomo Katz” is a series about the everyday holy work of raising children with heart, patience, and honesty. Join Rav Shlomo in learning from the sefer Da Et Yeladecha by Rav Itamar Shwartz, author of Bilvavi Mishkan Evneh, and explore how Torah and Chazal guide us in building a healthy, loving connection between parent and child.
This isn’t about perfect techniques or quick fixes. It’s about creating a foundation of truth, learning to really listen, and finding the right “funnel” so that what we want to give actually reaches our children. Each shiur is meant to be practical, gentle, and encouraging, and something you can take home and live with.
Good morning everybody and Shavua Tov. Month of Shvat is sponsored by the Aaron family לעילוי נשמת לוי בן יוסף, by the Silvers לעילוי נשמת בתיה פייגא בת ישראל, by the Pollaks לעילוי נשמת שמאי בן משה, Tzvi ben Mordechai, שירה רחמה בת אלתר נתן נטע, anonymously sponsored for the refuah sheleima of שרה בת רחל פייגא, ביילא עלקא בת פערל, שושנה יונה בת אלול, Hilla bas Ilana, and Yisroel ben Adina. This week is sponsored by Nate and Ami Davidovitch in memory of their daughter Shira Davidovitch Pransky zichrona l'vracha. May we merit to continue spreading the bracha and emunah of her life.
Amen. Those that had the privilege of knowing her know that that's a very big bracha. That's a very big big beautiful bracha. Okay, let's flip these pages.
Today we are going to be speaking about the three levushim, the three garments of the nefesh, the three garments of the soul. This is how this building of what we're doing is found clearly in the writings of the Alter Rebbe and in the Arizal as well where we know that the soul gets expressed through three different ways: machshava, dibbur, and ma'aseh. That the way the soul expresses itself in this world is through these three things: machshava, dibbur, and ma'aseh. Sometimes a person can have a thought, but until that thought finds its way to its mouth could be forever.
And then from there, from the thought that originated here to come into fruition through the mouth and then get expressed through an action could take even longer. The whole building of the way that we conduct ourselves in this world is through these three layers. Again, so the nefesh gets expressed through machshava, dibbur, and ma'aseh. Very simple.
This morning, those of you that are here had a thought to come to a shiur. Maybe you had to say it out to yourselves to get here, I am going to go to learn, or maybe you told someone you're going to learn. And then you came and the ma'aseh is that you actually came to learn. This is like this in all three in three realms, in three levels.
We're going to see how that plays a role in how we are in relationships with our children as well, machshava, dibbur, and ma'aseh. And it's pretty straightforward today, it's very chazak and I think we're going to see the beginning of this next mahalakh of this sefer touching upon something that I know I know for sure that everyone wants to be better at. That's for sure. Thank you.
ברוך אתה ה' אלקינו מלך העולם שהכל נהיה בדברו. Amen. Daf chaf-chet. Daf chaf-chet.
שלושה אופנים של גילויי אהבה. There are three ways of expressing and revealing love between parents and children bichlal, in the world, but obviously this shiur is focused on our expression to our children.
על מנת שהקשר בין ההורים לילדים יהיה בנוי בצורה נכונה, so in order for the connection between parents and children to be built in the right way, נתאר תחילה את המבנה של נפש האדם. First we're going to describe how our souls are constructed.
What's the mivne? What's the building? What's the structure of our souls?
ומכאן נבין שדברינו אינם בגדר רעיונות חדשניים בחינוך הילדים. We're not becoming innovative here in chinuch. These are not necessarily crazy chidushim what we're going to be saying, but they'll help us understand ourselves and what we want and our ratzon. And what we're saying here these are not chidushim אלא הם מיוסדים על דברי רבותינו זכרונם לברכה.
As the mechaber has done through this whole sefer and every sefer of his, he will show that the approach that he's showing to us and the area where he's pushing us towards are all built upon Chazal. These are not stam thoughts, this is all built upon Chazal.
ועל המבנה הברור של נפש האדם. And the clear structure of man's soul.
נשמתו של כל אדם עטופה בשלושה לבושים. Every person's soul is wrapped with three by three garments: ma'aseh, dibbur, vemachshava. He did it. He did the order here opposite, but it's still the same thing.
Obviously nothing originates first in ma'aseh. Everything originates first in machshava and then it goes to dibur and then ma'aseh. It doesn't originate in ma'aseh. But these are the three garments: machshava, dibur, and ma'aseh.
ומעתה ברור הדבר שעל ההורים מוטל להשקיע ולהעניק לילדיהם אהבה באמצעות שלושת החלקים הללו על מנת שכל לבושי הנשמה שלהם יהיו מפותחים אצלם כדבעי. Which means what's clear is that where do parents need to invest and to give their children love through these three aspects, through these three levushim, in order so that all the garments of our soul can be developed properly. Not just our soul, but that our children's souls can be developed properly. Machshava, dibur, and ma'aseh.
And this is very important that I believe, unless again this could always be that I'm missing it, obviously it's not the first time and won't be the last time that I misunderstood what one of the tzadikim are saying, but I think the way that I learned it is that when we learn how to develop the three garments of our souls and they're being expressed of a gilui ahava properly, it gives our children the kelim to also develop the three garments of their souls as well. Machshava, dibur, and ma'aseh. How often do we tell our children, "Think before you speak," or "Speak about something before you want to act"? Right? So there's all these things over here that if you just tell your child, "Think before you speak," the kid could be sitting there and saying, "Are you talking to me or are you talking to you?" Right? And the answer is yes. Right.
You know, yesh bishneihem. It's clearly, clearly both. Now we already saw before that maybe on an action level we're pretty good with like, like we said was it last week or the week before where like we're saying I wake up every morning early in the morning, I make you sandwiches, I make sure you have the clothes that you need, vechulu. On the level of ma'aseh, most of the time that gets done.
Those things that on the level of action get done. So dibur, what about speech? Does that get done? So we spoke about the need to always work on expressing love verbally, not just believing that your kid will pick up on how much you love them because you provide them sandwiches. Even though in your mind it's coming from love, I mean what else could they think, where else could they think this is originating from, you know? But dibur is not as easy to express verbally the love. But what about machshava? What about machshava? What does that mean that my machshava is expressed also through love? That my thoughts, thinking about my children, has a bituy of love in it? That's really the ikar of what we're going to be dealing with today and next week.
You may think to yourself, well what does it matter? It's not something that it comes out like if I have more thoughts of love does that like my kids do I have to like develop a telepathic relationship with my children? Well the truth is you don't have to, it already is there. It's there. Sometimes we hate it that it's there. Sometimes we really wish it wasn't so telepathic.
The telepathic back and forth is shamma. It's there. Can I work on my machshavas? Is it something that I could actually work on? Right. So if the answer was no we'd be doomed, we'd be in a bad place, it would be a very difficult thing.
But most people say, "I can't control my thoughts." I can't control my thoughts, thoughts are coming in and out all the time. I was telling the chevra on shabbos, I was by the Baal Shem Tov last week, the torah that kept on coming up by the Baal Shem Tov was, and it's not even though new age psychology has picked up on this very strongly, you are where your thought is. You know how many books have been written with that variation of title and sold millions. You are where your thoughts are.
The Baal Shem Tov says this: במקום שנמצאת מחשבתו של אדם שם הוא. Okay. So the Baal Shem Tov then says, machshava is the same letters as the word anybody? If you rearrange those letters? Besimcha. So the Baal Shem Tov says if you are going to be where your thoughts are, so to speak, if that's naturally just where a person finds themselves and Then there must then that's the avoda that's the avoda and it's not doesn't come for most people naturally they're naturally in a happy state.
For many of us those are the people we want to throw off a bridge chas v'shalom right? I can't stand those people that they're naturally right always b'simcha. Why can't I stand them? It's like I can't stand people that I see jogging too because it's things that obviously in me I'm sorry you know what I mean I meaning like in me the things that I really want right so I on a machshava like obviously wouldn't I want to be that person that when I if I see something in somebody I'm like I can't stand those people why? Because I wish that was my machshava which would lead which would then lead to a dibbur which would then lead to a maaseh right? This is this is the seder hadvarim. Seder hadvarim. We're gonna yeah.
Is there a question? Does the leiv play a part in this though? Does the heart play a role okay. I'm so tempted to answer you right now and I'm not going to. No I'll tell you why and I'll explain briefly why. Where does the where does the leiv like if we just say machshava dibbur and maaseh where would you say the leiv would fall in in these three categories? If you had to choose one of them where would the leiv fall in? Somewhere before machshava.
Before machshava. Ah you're that's why I justify my decision to not answer you because you're you are opening the whole Tanya right now. Okay which we we could do that also and and I there have been shiurim on on that also but that's a whole sugya. For now I'm just gonna answer like this.
The machshava the to have a good thought which would lead to a positive word which would then lead to a positive action is basically the flow of the blood that's flowing from the heart into each of the areas that allow us to then go out and do things. Ela mai what's the problem? What causes a heart attack לא עלינו רחמנא ליצלן? When what gets clogged? The artery. Then that means that what what's not flowing through? Life force. Hadom ki nefesh dom l'adam hadom hu hanefesh.
So when things aren't flowing the way that they are that means there's a clog coming from the heart not in the machshava not in the dibbur not in the maaseh actually that which feeds life to all three areas to the moach to the faculties of the mouth and of course to our hands and everything else that we do. So the leiv is infinitely part of this whole structure. Obviously without it ein sikuy to do any of the things that you actually want to do when it comes to expressing love. When it comes to actions there are people that can be that can build huge things in the world and not use their heart.
Unfortunately sadly sadly sadly enough there are also people that can attempt to give over the word of Hashem and teach Torah without using the leiv either. These are these are very I'll share with you I was once somewhere that I was in the room and there was a Rav there that was teaching and he he he didn't mean bad and he called me afterwards and apologized right away. But he was kind of like he's not used to that that kind of talk so he kind of said okay chevre you ready now to go forward are you ready to open your hearts? And they were like you know like a giggle in the crowd because obviously mimicking the way that I that I not only talk but I believe in with all my heart and soul. So there was a giggle and then because there's head learning and learning's head you have to learn something you have to understand something and that's how you build upon something.
My Rebbe only never said chevre I want you to open your minds. He never said I want you to open your brains. For that you go to a you know for biology class you need to open your brain and figure out how things add up. For Torah for dvar Hashem for the things that's Hashem expressing his love for us you have to open your heart.
You know what the biggest problem is with that? What's the biggest problem with opening your heart? Huh? Breaking. Well yeah but what's the problem what prevents us from doing it? The brain or that no one knows even what that means. What does that even mean to open your heart? What does that even mean? End tangent. Going back inside now.
Seder hayom. No because obviously this stuff for me I can go on you know. K'fi she-hudgash la'el. Sorry but not sorry.
K'fi she-hudgash la'el. As as we mentioned before last week right?
אצל רוב ההורים החלק של המעשה אכן מתנהל כראוי. All right? Our children either the ones that are if you don't have children All the ma'asim are... we have it, יש לנו את זה.
והם משתדלים להשקיע בילדים חלק של עשייה רוב מאמציהם. Where do we put most of our energy when it comes to parenting? On the level of ma'aseh. That's the way we're trained. That's the way that we could also, like we said last week, measure, meaning we could know if we fulfilled this thing or not.
What? Parental obligations on the level of action. We could know: I did it or I didn't do it. I could know that. So something that's measurable is easier for me to do.
And also fills me with more satisfaction. I'm not saying we do it for that reason, but I feel responsible.
אני מרגיש שאני עומד בהתחייבויות שלי. I feel like I'm living with my obligations and my responsibilities.
The thing is is that that's just a third of the neshama. That's just a third. That's the ma'aseh. What about machshava and dibbur? Well let's go to dibbur.
Dibbur we spoke about last week. Le'umat zot, ברוב המקרים החלק של הדיבור טעון שיפור. We could always be better with the way that we express verbal love to our children. I mean any parent that says I tell my children I love them enough is missing something.
Even though we spoke about it last week, we have the children that cringe every time they say love you. Chalila you should say it in front of one of their friends, that's the worst thing in the world. But you know, it took me a many kids to understand that one. It took me a lot of kids to figure out that in certain cases to show extra love in front of other friends is not always the smartest thing.
We're talking about when it's not davka in front of other people, but in general.
אבל החלק של מחשבה כמעט אינו קיים ברוב הבתים. This is amazing. But in most homes, investment in thoughts of love for our children is almost non-existent in most homes.
What is he talking about? It's not existent in most homes. Ma zeh? Ma hakavana? Well, let me ask you a question. Can I measure those things? So I bikhlal can't measure it, right? Ma'asim again, I can check the box. With dibbur, can I check a box? What do you think? With dibbur, with speech, with verbal expression of love, can I check a box? Yes, no, I think machshava is...
I think ma'aseh you can check the box very well. Yeah, so with dibbur more or less, and with machshava not at all. Machshava is almost... machshava is almost impossible.
And one of the reasons as well, and this may seem like... I mean, here it's less weird, but in certain places maybe weird. What does it matter? Like expression of love through words and action matters. Those things matter.
Sitting down and thinking love about my children, be'emet, does that matter? Does that actually do anything? It affects everything else. Sorry? It affects everything else, it kind of snowballs it. Yafeh, yafeh. Like if I'm thinking she pissed me off this morning, when she gets home I'm not speaking very nice.
Right. So meaning, nachon, it has hashpa'ah on those other two things that I'm more or less aware of. Definitely. What about if things are...
and you went to a negative thing. I'm saying think a positive thing. What happens? Your child was sent off, barukh Hashem, got a nice hug, I believe in you, smile, they go off to school happily. They have everything they need.
And I'm not saying that those things don't happen, they do happen, barukh Hashem, and they should keep on happening more and more. What about is there a need for me then to spend any part of my day thinking how much I love my children? Or is that just a nice bonus if you have it? I would think that the thinking part would relate very much to tefillah. Whereas like tefillah has a huge hashpa'ah. And you're thinking, it's like I think that when I'm thinking it's between me and Hashem.
So it's as if I'm davening on them all day long, so of course it would... in terms of relationship, closer. Anything, no, like the fact that you always... like they're in your mind.
And you're like, Ribbono shel Olam, you're like, they should be successful, they should be healthy, they should be... like whatever it is, it's a machshava and it comes out also as tefillah. Okay, Ilana, you're up. No pressure.
No pressure. But lay, lay it on like chazak. The most important one sentence that I think sums it all up is a child's inner voice, you would think that the end of that sentence is what I say to my child and it's not. A child's inner voice is what I think about my child.
I need chazara and Rashi. A child's inner voice, meaning what they think about themselves, you would assume that that would be what I say to my child, all the things that I'm saying to them, so if I say positive things to them then they'll think positive, but it's not even the case. A child's inner voice is what I think about my child. Mah levavenu? Our emotional baseline is baked in our children's emotional baseline.
Right. One of the things is not only the things that I have to do to my child, right, spending time thinking positively about my child. So right, right, right, no that's what he said and I and this is mamash he's pro- we're going to go into this very deeply but of course we got there's a preemptive strike here not a strike, a bakasha to understand this deeper, you said, but how do they know? That's what you just said, right? No? I think so. I mean right, children's copy what their children think, what? Our children know us better than we know ourselves.
They walk into a room and they know. Meaning the, so the telepathic connection? Yeah. You walk into a room, your kids know before you even know you're in a bad mood, your kids are like what happened? Even if you're smiling. Yeah, right, right, right, not just if you walk in be-simcha, like even right, right, right, you don't even know you're in a bad mood.
Zot omeret, so wait, so say it again, their inner voice is what we think, not what we say or do. Shows you how much the level of- that's why machshava is the first, that's why I'm a little- I have to- I have to ask him a lot of questions. But one of them I would ask him about the order of the words that he said it over here, maaseh dibur machshava, in the writings of the Baal HaTanya, and of course in all the sefarim that deal with levushei hanefesh, which means the garments of the soul, machshava is always, always, always first because, because dibur and maaseh originate from machshava. Dibur and maaseh originate from machshava, so therefore it has to be what we would call in Hebrew paskol, which means the soundtrack of what they're- sorry, what they're saying to themselves, of what they're saying to themselves.
Yeah. Maybe it's because maaseh is something that we actually can attain, just like you were saying, the physical needs as an ima or an abba, that's natural for us to give, and so that's the easiest one to start off with, maaseh. Right, right, maaseh, yeah. Yeah, right, so and you could say okay, I've fulfilled my child's needs, it's not enough, it's a third, it's part of the beginning, and dibur, dibur I can also kind of say- it's a progression of like attainable maybe, attainable bidiyuk.
Machshava is- and that's where you need to start off, nachon. Machshava is, machshava is like, okay, so now I- it's like people don't understand that if the investment in machshava was done ke-hilchato and with so much kochos, dibur and maaseh would not just flow smoother, but that which you really want to give over to your child in the- in your heart of hearts would actually be most effective. Like if my kids thought that- if they heard that I'm thinking tov on them, then even if the dibur and the maaseh are not as great as it could be, that overrides those things that are measurable and tangible. Yeah, Sarah.
I'm just thinking the difference between like davening, which is like check like I daven, and hisbodedus, which is like thoughts sort of because you're not really talking to anybody physically, like it's not dibur to a person, it's more like thoughts to Hashem, right? Which is much harder to attain, nachon, nachon. Well, in hisbodedus, in hisbodedus this is very, very deep. In hisbodedus one of the ways of understanding the point of it is not just to- to refine your machshava, it's to figure out what are you- what am I even thinking about most of the time. Like Rebbe Nachman says when a person does hisbodedus the purpose is לפרש שיחתו לפני בוראו, to give a perush to his sichas, meaning to give a perush to the chatterbox that's happening anyway all day long, but for it to actually come out in a way that I can do something.
thing with it. And these are not things that are tangible, these are not measurable. These are me'al zeh. These are me'al zeh.
There's so much to say on this top, there's so many ways to go over with this topic. It's such a fascinating one. Let's see how he takes us on this. Let's go.
Let's go back inside.
המחשבה אודות אהבת הילדים.
בשלב זה איננו עוסקים עדיין בחלק של המחשבה. He's saying we're just doing hakdama.
אולם נבאר זאת בקצרה. We're not going full into this, but let's just think about this a little bit.
מאחר שנפש האדם בנויה מעשיה דיבור ומחשבה. Since the soul of a person is is constructed through action, speech, and thought.
לכן כאשר ההורים מעוניינים לפתח ולגלות את האהבה לילדיהם שקיימת בתוככי נשמתם, הם צריכים לגלות אותה בכל שלושת הרבדים הללו, ברובד המעשי, ברובד הדיבורי וברובד השכלי במחשבה. He's saying over here very simple. This is what we're made out of. When parents really, really want to make sure that they're developing and revealing the love that they know they have deep down inside of them.
Ein davar kazei, I don't buy it that some parents just don't have it. I believe every parent has this thing naturally embedded within them, even though it may come out in very strange ways. There is a hundred percent this concept of real love that each of us have inside of us. I have to, in order for it to come out, I need to do whatever I can to invest in all three revadim.
Revadim is layers. All the all the rovad that we've said before. Hava nisbonen.
כאשר ישנם שני אנשים שאוהבים אחד את השני ויש ביניהם מרחק פיזי.
People that love each other but they're one they're in two different sides, corners of the world.
האם כאשר כל אחד מהם יחשוב על כך שהשני אוהב אותו? If each of them just think that this person loves me, right?
יהיה לו תענוג מכך? Will you get any pleasure from that? Right? Will you get any pleasure if you're on one corner of the world and that person you love is in another corner of the world and you stop for a second and you say, wow, thinking about the fact that this person loves me. Does that derive, do you derive any pleasure for such from such a thing? A one million percent. One million percent.
Now it's so gevalt here that he's going to prove this in the Rambam. I love when they do this.
ודאי. התשובה היא ברורה: בוודאי.
ודבר זה מפורש בדברי הרמב"ם: מדרך האוהבים. How do people that love each other act?
שהם חושבים באהבה הזו. That they spend time thinking about the love that they have. That's miderech ha'ohavim.
That's an amazing thing that the Rambam's saying. Rambam is really saying there is this concept called love in the world. And that is not limited to anything. Dibur is limited to phone and in person, meaning when it can be transmitted.
Ma'aseh of course is constricted to like actually doing something for someone. Machshava has no end. Machshava has no end. You know sometimes when we when we realize that someone was thinking about us the whole time when we thought maybe they forgot about us, what does that fill what area does that fill in us? You know, what does that fill? It it does something so amazing.
Like when I find out that someone that I haven't spoken to in a long time was somewhere and I came up in their heart and they tell me you know I thought about you at that moment, what does that do to me? It creates a connection. It fills me in a way that any dibur or ma'aseh couldn't do it for me, right? So something is happening by when I when I give time to thoughts. Yeah. I was just thinking when you're saying that that's what so many of the hostages say when they came out, the fact that they knew they were being prayed for and thought of, it's just because they thought they were forgotten, they don't care about you anymore.
Right, so we see here that koach hamachshava, its effect is unbelievable. It has many different ways of of affecting the actual metzius. But we don't for some reason when it comes to parenting, we neglect this area the most, because of the obvious reasons of feeling like responsible parents provide, provide. And that's and that's also true.
Zos omeres... I'm not saying neglect the providing and just focus on machshava. That won't work either. Imagine this: a kid wakes up in the morning, listen, today I don't have anything to put in your tik, and you figure out if you find something in the laundry, if it's a little dirty, just figure it out.
But you want to know something? The second you leave the house, I'm going to, I can't imagine, you can't even imagine how much I'm going to think about you the whole day today. That's also shtuyot. That's not, you know, it's like don't think about me, give me food and tell me where my clothes are. Like that's what the answer, that's what the obvious answer would be.
However, there are so many kids that have all the ma'aseh for sure. They have some of the dibbur take place. But like you were saying, they know if there hasn't been any machshava about them. You know, when I had my first kid, sorry, when we had two kids, we had two little girls, we just started learning in the back of Kapot Marim.
It was before we had the shul. It was before we had Beit Stone, I think, actually. We were just a few chevre that realized like, hey, we're here, let's start learning. We were learning Rav Kook's Orot Hateshuva.
So I was still in that period of, it's just two children and it's like, gevalt, like, so I asked the chevre, I said, tell me, do you spend any time thinking about your children after you, after you drop them off at gan? Because I said like, I had this attack that I, I sometimes find myself walking up to the gan where one of my kids are, at the, it was beneath Zait Ra'anan, there's those two ganim. I don't know if they still function as ganim. But one of my girls was at that gan beneath Zait Ra'anan. And sometimes, and like, I'm so, I feel so pathetic because I can't even imagine doing this today.
But it says a lot, maybe I, maybe it's good mussar. I still have a kid in gan and a kid in Ma'on, but I can't see them from Ma'on, but in gan I probably could. Do you ever, like, I'd find myself just walking, taking a walk davka to pass by, just to, just to see them, just to think about them, right? So I went around the circle with parents that have, men that have kids, more kids and older kids, and the answer was, the second I drop them off, I know, see you at two or three, zehu. Then Abba needs Abba time to make sure that I can make as much money as I can in order for you to have everything that you need when you get home.
Okay, maybe that's more of a male energy, I don't know, but it's there. It's there, meaning in the name of sanity, I'm not going to be thinking about you too much because I'll get too caught up in all the things that I should still need to be doing v'chulu. I need to just be a ma'aseh person. Be'emet she'ha'emet, children that have parents that think love, not just think about them, but that think thoughts of love while they're not with them, when they come home or when you pick them up, they're meeting there, they're meeting a beautiful picture of a machshava, dibbur, ma'aseh relationship.
Yes? This just sounds like a reframing opportunity. Like you can still be thinking about all the things you need to be doing, but from a place of love. Like I'm going to the grocery store, I'm going to make dinner, I'm going to but adding that element of, no, I'm doing this from a place of love, not just just to get things done, to get to that point where they're going to. Nachon, so that's one layer.
Now, what's a deeper layer of reframing thoughts? What's a deeper layer? Because you're onto it, it's clear. That's still attached to the action, so I'm like putting more intention behind the action. What are we saying when we're saying, and by the way, that needs to happen. Like a parent, that's what we were saying last week, we must do that.
We must go back more and more into remembering why we're doing it and enhance the experience that it should be clear to us more and more and then when it's presented to the child, it's clear it's more from love and not just obligation and responsibility. A million percent. The next layer that we're speaking about is, it's not about what I have to do for them. It's thinking about their existence.
That's a geshmak level. Like that's some. Our children are not like the word the word in Hebrew the bitui that I that I feel most connected to is lo muvan me'elav. Now what does lo muvan me'elav? Lo muvan me'elav means it's not a given that that we have them.
That's one, that's the outer layer of lo muvan me'elav. The inner layer of lo muvan me'elav... It's not a given that this character came out the exact way that they did.
זה לא מובן מאליו.
ze lo stam. And I think love, I think thoughts of love just about everything that makes them who they are. Everything that makes them who they are. So you may say, "Do you think I have, what's it called, like the network bandwidth?" "What?" "Mental load?" "Yeah, like, do I can can I do I have the space to start and putting time into that?" So here I want to say like this.
The Alter Rebbe says in the Tanya, he says no, not in the Tanya, I mean I'm sure also in the Tanya you could derive it, but he says it in a piece in Likutey Torah that I once learned by Reb Sholom Brodt in Tzfat that there are two types of thoughts in the world. There are thoughts that the more you think them, the more your brain gets clogged and you have less space. There are thoughts that the more you think them, it sounds crazy, it produces more space. It you actually have more...
it's like there are certain breaths you take that make you feel more breathless.
תקנו אותי אם אני טועה. And then there are places when you learn how to breathe in a way with love, you actually have more space to breathe. It's such a wild thing.
So with thoughts that we're speaking about, we're talking about the type of thoughts of love that don't add on to your load, afuch. It doesn't add on to your load. You don't feel more, "Like and now and this also and now this. I just want to catch up on my binge watching.
la-azov oti. I have those two hours in the morning. For my child's mental health, I need to just watch that next episode. I don't need to spend time thinking about love." You know how many more episodes you could watch benachat if there was time invested if that's what your thing is, if thoughts of love were something that we're dedicated to every single day, right? Yeah, Eva.
I just think it's so interesting that we really struggle with the machshava piece because really you could look at it as like a total like freebie. Right. Right. You don't have to do anything.
You don't have to stand up, you don't have to run around, you don't have to like you don't have to do anything. Could you imagine if somebody said, "Oh you're going to be such a great whatever you are, accountant, just just think about it." You'd be like, "Okay, like amazing, like this is amazing." But we really struggle with it, like just I think like part of it is maybe like a muda'ut issue that like even to be aware that it's something to do that is beneficial. But I it's just like sitting here thinking about it and thinking that it's just a funny thing that we're struggling with it when it should feel something that you're like "Really? I could sit in my car, like I got this, I can think. I know how to do that." You know.
But it's just like having to have that awareness and like channel it to that specific thing that maybe makes it more challenging. But like I think maybe if we reframe it again and look at it as like a gift and like this is sort of like a freebie of a way to be a great parent then maybe we'll be more inclined to like take advantage of it. Nachon. So why don't we, if it...
what's that? Unaware. Unaware, vulnerability. I think also negativity bias. Sorry? Negativity bias.
What does that mean? Our brains are, it's the way Hashem made us, our brains automatically because we love them so much, we're just worrying about them and wanting them to be so amazing, you just automatically go to the things that you need to take care of, the things that you need to worry about, the things that are on your list, the things that you need to fix and then you just forget to work the muscle. Right so the question I'm going to sharpen the question, why is it that we don't believe that that place of machshava can be totally, solely focused on, based on what they need which is just thinking how much we just love them, detached from the needs? Yeah. I think also there's like the scary thought of like what if I sit down to have this like loving thought towards my child and that's not what comes up? Like you know about other things and then you have to like that demands work from you to like get to the place of love. Like you said it's a muscle.
It's amazing because everything that we're saying here is mamash aligned with my thoughts on Hashem. It's like the same exact thing as everyone saying what they're saying, it's the same thing. Like, do I ever stop and think that when Hashem thinks about me, he has, the first thought is love? Or is the first, second, third, and fourth thought you should really be doing that? And I love you. And I love you.
And it mirrors, it mirrors, it's mamash incredible. It's incredible. And I think that the whole point of the Baal Shem Tov was to actually train that muscle, that the default of going into that place is besimcha. It's just about the actual etzem of the relationship.
You know how many bereaved parents lo aleinu would do anything in the world, anything in the world to be able to have these kind of thoughts that would lead to maiseh. Right? So we get stuck in this, it's a ma'arbolet. It's a very, it's a pretty wild ride and we don't, we should never need to go to a funeral for, to awaken this, you know? But it's just the way we're designed. It's the way we're designed.
So in this shiur, what we're doing today and next week is understanding the importance of this, and hopefully also the how of this as well. Because it's very important. And just to go back to what Aliza said, I think that that is an ikkar nekuda that we have to explore. Why is it that if I actually, if I said I'm going to, I'm just going to think about my child, what could be stronger than the love that I have for them that can get away and block that precious time and clog that precious time, which should just be about that? Like how could it be?
איך זה יכול להיות? There's so much to say on these things, it's unbelievable.
There's so much, yeah. And there's many elephants in this whole idea of loving children. There's, children mirror they might be like struggling with something that you're struggling with so there's mirroring going on. Or the exact opposite, that I don't relate to my kid at all.
That they're struggling with things I never struggled with, I have no idea what they're talking about. See if kids struggle with things that I struggled with, it may touch a nerve, but I could actually feel closer to that kid. What about when my kid is going through something that I, that just wasn't my inyan? That's also an elephant. Judgment comes in like what, why is this so hard for you? I never had that, like it's not so easy to approach, oh I love my child so much, oh I love my children.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a second. You see what you just did? No, no, that's exactly the nekuda what just happened right now. My heart center. No, no, I'm not trying to go all, you know, like let's pull out the candles and, I'm saying that, that's exactly the nekuda that the Sitra Achra comes and says it's so hard to love my child, but of course I love my child.
No, we're talking about the of course I love my child first. All that other stuff is not part of the machshavos that we're speaking about. Nachon, granted. I know, I know, I know.
It's there. That's the block. It's not even verbalized. I know, but isn't it amazing how fast you shifted from talking about why it's hard to love your child and then the clarity of but of course, but of course I love my child? That's what we're speaking about over here.
Yeah. But I think also like you were bringing up and Sarah was saying what they pointed to it. Like this especially our relationship with our children touches on all of our other relationships, like how we feel about ourselves and how we feel about our parents and how we feel, you know, between us and Hashem and like it pulls on every single aspect of like who we are and how we relate to ourselves and how we relate to people. So like of course it's hard and of course all of these things are going to come up and all of these, you know, tensions that we're touching on.
It's like everything's in this. Nachon. That's why it's most, that's why it's the hardest one, that's why it needs most investment because of what you just said. Yeah.
And there's also a piece, at least for me, of what you had said about the, the maiseh of like you could check a box. Like you know if you made a sandwich or you didn't make a sandwich. You made it or you didn't make it. Right.
With the machshava, I feel like there's also this idea of like did I do it enough? Was it like a beautiful enough thought? Was it long enough? Was it Right it's not as quantifiable as you know did I make the sandwich or did I not and I think as humans we thrive on that like tangible success you know a goal that we set out to do like this being not tangible and not really measurable because it's different for every child in every family and it's different for every parent in their family and you know vis-a-vis each of their children so it's much harder to feel I did a good job we got this like for sure 100% that's what makes this avodah that much more challenging but worthwhile because that's what we want 100% everything that everyone's saying is just פשוט מוסיף על הקדושה של העניין. If something wasn't that holy and that important it wouldn't be that complicated as holy as sandwiches are for kids it's not again this what we're talking about over here is the roved of the nefesh in its core in its origin it's the layer it's the levush of the nefesh in its origin we believe in neshamos we believe in relationships with souls this is the soul relationship you know I was saying this over and over again man Hashem should forgive me if I'm completely off but it seems like this is it I Ukraine is soulless there I did not see any I mamash could not believe how many people that look like human beings didn't feel like they had any souls I know this is sounding pretty insane but those of you that have been there know what I'm talking about actually Alsmach what can you say such a thing about another person? I know I know I know Alsmach the six million and the millions of other Jews that are buried throughout that whole country sorry I thought you were relating to what you saw last week so what did I what do you mean last week when you were in Ukraine? Yeah yeah yeah I'm saying no no I'm saying that I was asking myself the whole time like why is it that over here everywhere I go I mamash feel there's no soul and it the only way I could explain my experience is that it's absolutely because the country is drenched it doesn't get that much focus because it's not Germany or Poland but over there the amount of killing of Yidden was unbelievable one guy even admitted to us that his grandfather that's what he was doing like mamash like this so you see like it's when you feel like there's soulless energy there's not much you could work with at all so the relationships with the drivers or people working on the streets it's like very limited and where we are people of the soul we are anshei neshama that that that's what defines us that's our whole thing and the and the strongest like the deepest place in the core of the neshama is the machshava and only afterwards is dibur and ma'aseh therefore the other side the dark side will give its greatest fight over trying to not give you access to the place of machshava because when you get access to the place of machshava your child will experience a life more or less of gan eden in this world which is what the other side doesn't want and that's why this avodah is the hardest one so far okay bottom paragraph we'll just do this bottom paragraph הרי שהמושג לחשוב באהבה thinking in love eino mechudash it's not a new thing vekayam bedivrei raboseinu this is something that we have in the words of Chazal ונפסק ברמב"ם להלכה בעניין אהבת הבורא what did he what did he just say here? That if you ask the Rambam how are you how are you yotzei yedei chova the mitzvah of loving Hashem? Most people would tell you what how are you yotzei yedei the mitzvah ma'asim or or dibburim davening. According to the Rambam how are you yotzei yedei the mitzvah of ahavas Hashem of loving God thinking about the love that you have for Hashem those which will then lead to dibbur and ma'aseh וכשם שהוא קיים באהבת הבורא and just like it exists with the love that you have for Hakadosh Baruch Hu kach. It also has to be the way that it is about, we have to understand this, the one of, like an essential piece of this whole world of parenting has got to be wrapping our heads around how much loving thoughts am I thinking about my child throughout the day.
And to also Aliza, it's very good what you said, and to detect, to call out those moments that I do try and see why are these other, and actually what you were saying too, zot omeret, why is it that when I do think about my children, all these other, that's not the, that's not the point, like why do all these other thoughts about how good of a parent I am or how shvach of a kid they are, why is that taking the time, why is that polesh, how do you say polesh? Invading this precious, this precious, holy sacred place. And how could we work on tools legaresh, to expel those, those mamash evil thoughts that are supposed, that are hovering over a moment, hopefully accumulation of many moments, where this is the holiest thing that I could really provide for the rest of my child's future and definitely their, the rest of their day today. So as you saw, we didn't even get to the next page, but this is going to be what we're going to be spending a little bit of time on to develop this further. And pay attention, pay a lot of attention to this area this week and then come back, we'll come back next week, beezrat hashem we'll continue.
Okay?