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We share stories of how the blood of Jesus has transformed ours and others' lives.
Hey everybody. Welcome to red ledger. I've got Aaron Dorsey with the red circle project and Tyler Bell joining me today. We are going to talk about oversharing because we find that it's really fun to do, but really unhealthy. I shouldn't say we, I'm going to go ahead and speak for myself. Um, it is a problem within my life and.
I can see how it's become a problem, but Aaron had some really interesting information and wisdom on why it's not really a good idea. And she's going to educate us. And if you cry, it's okay. Well, we were talking about, which I thought this was an interesting perspective. So oversharing, like sharing your emotion, your whole life story, which I try not to do anymore since I know that it's a bad idea, but I did do this to you yesterday because I just felt like you could relate.
I loved it. It was so unhealthy. And then I felt like bad and dirty later. No, I, I noticed it now that I've worked on not doing it. I also notice when I do it, which is actually, I think a good sign, you know, because I think if I was still doing it all the time, I wouldn't be noticing it. You know what I mean?
I did feel a little like, and I apologize to you, like that's a lot to lay on a human being. Sure. It's okay though. Yeah, but it's not. I, I mean, yes, yes and no, but it's also like normal for me. So I'm not sitting there like. Wow, I've never experienced this before. You know what I mean? But I agree that like, it's a very common thing, especially within American culture.
I can't necessarily speak for other cultures, but I've heard, um, there are two girls in my Bible study that were telling me, I forget from where in South America they are, but they were just saying the most shocking part of like coming over to America was how much We overshare, um, about our emotions, about our day, about our life.
And they were saying it in their country where they're from. They don't do that because it's not safe. It's not even that it's just like, oh, we don't do that as a culture. I mean, that's probably a piece of it too, but it was like a safety thing. And it actually makes sense. I mean, even if you think about other socioeconomic differences, like if you're in a more impoverished society where it's like, It's also not as safe.
You're not going to be just opening up to random strangers, hopefully, you know. So there's lots of different situations where it's like, you definitely would not want to do that from a safety standpoint. So they, if they're new to America, do they think it's weird how much we overshare? Yeah. And they don't do it.
You know, like, but they've noticed that it's harder to make friends because they don't do it because they standoffish. Yeah, they come off. They feel like people interpreted as them being like apathetic or not caring. But we just engage in dialogue in a completely different way than they do. So I'm sure they feel that difference all the time.
But, um, just because something again, just because something's normal, doesn't necessarily mean that it's like safe and maybe the best option. But yeah, I mean, I know that I was kind of indoctrinated into oversharing. I mean, again, it's an American normal, but I also know that when I was talking to the predator that I was talking to, that was very much like encouraged.
And I think a lot of like predatory dating that I've experienced, it's pushed. Like they ask very invasive questions. They try to assess my vulnerabilities very early on, like now that I'm more aware of it and I've gone on dates where it's happening, I notice it more where they're the questions that they're asking me.
I'm like, that's very inappropriate to actually be asking me that on a first date. Like that's none of your business. You know what I mean? You should be feeling weird about asking that question. I shouldn't be feeling weird about not answering it. And I've gotten a lot better. about having that boundary and saying, you can choose to ask a question, but that doesn't mean I have to answer it.
Like, you know. And for those of you who don't know, um, we are going to have another podcast that should be live any, probably before you see this one. And Erin discusses how she was digitally trafficked and into porn and subsequently assaulted. So part of the oversharing conversation that we had is I think it happens a lot in people who have been through a situation or trauma, right?
And You can almost see where this is a great tool for the narcissist or the sociopath or the psychopath, which they are amongst us. Yeah Um who don't mind exploiting us But you they need to so they can find your vulnerabilities and your weakness so they can exploit them And they're looking for indicators and tells behavioral tells and the greatest behavioral tell is me asking you a question That's inappropriate and you have no problem answering it, you know, like and not only do you share You If you think about yourself like a house, you know, like, let's say there's house burglars out there, and you're a house, they're trying to figure out how to get inside your house, which is essentially like your mind, and they're going to be casing that house, looking for what windows are kind of loose to crawl through, maybe if there isn't a security system in place, things like that, well, can you imagine if this person like walked up to your door and knocked on it and said, Hey, can you tell me What's wrong with your just some random stranger who don't know at all just starts asking you all these questions about your house You know what?
I mean? Like what's wrong with your windows? Do you have windows that have issues? You know all these things you'd be like, why are you asking me all this stuff about my house? Because we're protective of the objects that we own but we're not normally protective of ourselves If we come through abuse and stuff like that, so just looking at it from that standpoint.
I think it's very similar They're looking for the weaknesses inside of you and then they typically will take on me roles to cater to those weak areas to cause you to become reliant on them or to weaken those areas further To cause you to become reliant on them I'm curious Is it like a subconscious behavior of that or is it a conniving thing that they know that that you're doing?
I have two theories about this one is through child development. You know, if a child, children learn how to be manipulative at like a very young age. And if you learn those skills and then no one combats those skills, you only become better and better and better and better at them. So I understand that piece of the child development, like that aspect to it.
I personally also think some of this is spiritually given to us because there's no like predator school, there's no predator class. And yet they all I think one reason my videos resonate with people is because it's literally the same patterns and the same steps being taken every single time and that's almost weird, you know what I mean?
So, yeah. So your girlfriend, Um, or fiancee is from Romania. Yeah. And she's really good about not oversharing and not just going in. And I think that irritated her maybe even about me when we first met. Cause I'm just blah. Over, I overshare, over apologize, over, I over everything. Yeah. When you guys first met.
Yeah. Well, I get that from you. Apologies. Apologies. But. It, she is also from a different culture and her family is, even though she lives here in the U. S., she's very surrounded by, um, the Romanian culture. Yeah, yeah. And they are very private in that way. Yeah, it's interesting. So like, is it, I didn't know what it was like to be around like a, a foreign culture like that.
It's like my big Greek wedding, a little bit, my big Greek wedding. Oh, cool. So like during like the engagement party, you can kind of really see like, Who was there and, and, and how, how they operate in this very, sometimes it comes off as standoffish to me, who is very like, ah, you know what I mean? Here's my whole life and every dirty, dark secret you can hear, you know what I mean?
I'm better at it now. I think I'm just being vulnerable and authentic and we're going to be friends now. Yeah. I'm better at it now. I apparently am not. How do you see them connect conversationally? Did you, did you notice a pattern at all at how they approached conversations? I feel like it's very just.
cordial and appropriate and I think it takes a long time for them to like feel comfortable to open up about certain things. But I do think that there might be a level that it might not be that they're opening up enough about certain things as well. So I think it is like a balance and a dance. Do you um, so we just went to your engagement party and there were only a couple Americans there.
Yeah, and it was pretty cool though. It was what was interesting about it to me is Is there honesty? And we talked about this last night is I said to her mother, I said, were you okay that, you know, she's marrying an American. And she said, well, we would have preferred he, you know, was Romanian, but we love Tyler, which I love.
It wasn't like. You know, everyone's so super offended these days that might be, but I kind of did love that. She's just yes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There's an honest Abruptness that I kind of dig. Yeah, she's not gonna dance around the situation. This is what it is I'm not gonna make it all pretty for you. Yeah, I do see they're pretty direct people Um, for the most part.
Yeah. I don't know. Not everything is about gender, but have you experienced oversharing work to your detriment at all? Yeah. You have. Yeah. Like, so when I was working at a restaurant, I, it was just natural for me to do it. I was, you know, dating people that I was working with or, um, I didn't understand about like my, Past experiences that were probably a little more intimate that I shouldn't be sharing and my quick telltale sign was like, Oh, they're uncomfortable.
And I'm kind of confused. Why? Yeah, like they're not responding like I thought they would. And I'm like, uh, something wrong. Is this something wrong? And I didn't really Clicked too much until I heard you kind of talking more about how you have an oversharing problem I was like, oh, that's a prop like that could be a problem Yeah More than like a I'm a intimate like I want to get to know you so fast because I love you How that can be a dangerous thing?
I didn't understand the danger in it. That is what you were modeled Mm hmm So you and I probably brought a lot of unhealthy people into our lives because that's what I was modeling and I noticed You on the healthier people that would come into contact with me before they ran at that time would be shocked about the information.
And I was like, Oh, well, this is interesting to them. But no, they were like, um, this feels dangerous and volatile. And I don't know if I should be around it. It's really what I think the reaction was just recently. So, uh, my cousin, her friend, we just met her friends, um, from church. And, like, they're, they're pretty good.
I think one of like a couple of them can be like a little innocent in a certain way, which is like, cool. Cause like, you know, like the child, like childlike mind, like we're called to have that. Um, but I noticed that like, like, um, I can be a little, like a little more sick, uh, have a little more, a little bit of character in a certain way that comes off probably as a little inappropriate.
I think I, you know, I swear sometimes, or I've lived a certain life beforehand that maybe they weren't entirely privy to that. You know, I opened up probably a little too quickly about that life that I have lived beforehand and I could tell that they were like, Oh, for real? Like, you did that? For healthier people, that's like a red flag.
Yeah. Yeah, for me I was like, maybe if I'm honest, it might help them feel comfortable and have better understanding of where I'm at. Which kind of did, but maybe in a part where, you know, nobody can really see the full of you like when they first see you. You know, for me, it's kind of like, I'm throwing my hands up just so you can feel safe.
You know what I mean? I'm letting you know, so you feel safe, you know, I trauma bonding was also so normal for me. I only really knew, at least with women, I only knew how to connect and form friendships through trauma bonding. So like, if we aren't. Oversharing and giving away our deepest, darkest secrets to each other.
I don't know what else to talk to you about. Like I didn't have any cultivated muscle for small talk or for how to talk about anything else other than like trauma and the deep, dark secrets, you know? So that was another piece of it where, and the, the main thing about that, I mean, I think it's obvious why trauma bonding isn't super healthy, but.
The other reason is because, like, I would give all these things away to someone without really knowing them. And then if we had a fight and they chose after that fight to not still be my friend, it was heartbreaking for me, you know, to be like, Oh, I thought we had connected in this really deep way. And now that's like.
Gone, you know, versus taking it slower, learning about their nature and their character, just like in dating and then after it doesn't have to be after your first fight, but typically there's some sort of mild disagreement that comes up or bubbles up in some form within the first few months. And if I haven't given my entire heart to them.
And they choose to not to want to, which doesn't like really ever happen that often, but if they choose that, they don't want to be my friend after that, it doesn't feel like I've shared my entire soul with this person and give it, you know what I mean? Like, so I think that's another kind of aspect to it as well.
It's pretty familiar to casual sex in today's society, huh? Yeah. Very, very interesting. So, and I, I really related to what you said and I'm thinking about The relationships that I'm just giving all of myself to and they're not really reciprocating because it's weird, right? or Um, I can't remember what I was gonna say about that Do you feel like you have experienced that where you?
Gave a lot of yourself away and then eventually they were like, oh, I don't I don't know. I think, I think that like maybe a healthier person might've just slowly moved away. Cause this is scary. Cause I'm too much. Cause I'm kind of an intense person anyway. I mean, I'm intense. So I don't sense it like at all.
I just don't. I really had to learn how to make small talk. And I feel like I still struggle with that actually. Like there are times where I'm in a room with people and I'm just like, I don't really want to talk about the weather or anything else, but I also shouldn't. overshare necessarily. So I have no idea what to talk about right now.
You know, I almost kind of like frame it. Like if we're not talking about real deep issues or like things about who I am, it's not real. It's not like it's not intimate. Why? Why even have it? Cause it's not worth it. And I feel like also that's kind of like a pressure in modern society. Cause like, I want to talk about aliens and conspiracy.
If not, we're not, you know, you're shallow. I love about your fiancee is. For whatever reason, the first time in my life, I didn't take offense to her slowness to warm up to me. I kind of liked it. And it really taught me, oh, this is kind of how this goes too. Yeah. This is what that looks like. in practicality.
You know, I knew it, like that's how it was supposed to be. But I, um, I probably for a few years before then, I've just kind of separated myself because I knew I didn't have the strength to form really good boundaries. And I just kind of probably started in when you met her. And so for me, it was almost a relief.
Like I don't have to be on for you. And Yeah, she didn't want me to be, and she was very direct about letting me know if I was like, um, that's kind of oversharing. You only have to apologize once. Like, she was very direct in, like, what irritated her. And with kindness, too. Like, a lot of the time, she would phrase it pretty well, too, I feel like.
Yes. I mean, I'm giving you the sum of it, but it wasn't, it wasn't, It was received and given well in a way that I could learn from her. I feel like also as we do, and this is a blanket statement, it's not true for everyone, but, um, especially after COVID people sometimes stopped doing less stuff, less activities, less things together.
So all you have left is like your words and your online life, which is very, it's very words based as well. You're uploading photos and videos, but it's all very like words based. So. When you're doing things with people, you know, activities, having fun, whatever, connecting through mutual hobbies, groups, things like that.
You don't have to necessarily, you're connecting in a different way through that as well. And you're learning about them in a different way as well through action. Um, so that's another thing I became aware of. Because I was so addicted to men and relationships and drugs and alcohol for a substantial period of time.
I didn't have hobbies. I didn't have like things that I did for fun that I felt fulfillment out of because none of those things got me as high as all this other stuff. And so having friends who don't necessarily have trauma in their, their background, they've really showed me the importance of like hobbies and getting out and like doing life with people and not just sitting around and just like, trauma bonding and stuff, you know, I was just going to ask you because I'm looking at my journey.
Mine was just separation for a while till I could work through God, God, through some of these things. Um, but I was going to ask you for some practical points on how you stopped oversharing so much. And I think part of that is what you just said. Yeah. Pretty much hobbies. Yeah. And do you ever get comfortable with the small talk, the chitchat?
That is still really hard for me. It just is, you know, like, I mean, I wasn't good at it for about 27 to 28 years of my life, you know, yeah, it's, it's a long time to fake to me. It is. There's a bit of a turnoff. And, you know, this is the other thing I've thought about. And this is almost how I gauge this, how I gauge other stuff too.
But, um, It's a new habit. So it sucks energy out of me. It's draining to do. It is. It's a new muscle I'm building. So it's easy for me versus other people who are used to, and there can be obviously too much small talk is also unhealthy. You know, never going deep is also unhealthy. Um, but But people who are used to taking things slower, they're drained from the deep net, the depth, you know what I mean?
But it is draining for me to do small talk because it is, it's a new muscle that I'm utilizing and there are days where I'm like, I am just. not in the mood to go to the gym. I do it to an extreme some points and I try not to do this anymore. He made me aware of this where sometimes on a business call, I don't do any nicety.
I'm just like, okay, hello, this is what we need to do. Interesting. And then when we get off the phone, I'm like, okay, I got to go. Bye. That's so American. And he's like, they, they joke with me. Do you want to know how my day was? I was kind of curious about yours, but I guess not. I just did it to my husband last night because we were talking about business at 11 o'clock at night and I looked at my watch and I'm like, I'm too tired for this dress.
I go, I got to go buy. And he goes, you do not get to do that to me because everyone teases me about it. And I didn't even realize I was doing it. Like, it's so funny. Every time we go hang up on the phone, I'm like, okay, bye. Okay. Bye. Okay. Bye. But we're ready to go. It's so funny. So I think, yeah, there's some place for the niceties for the, yeah.
I do like the, the hobbies thing though. Like it's even like, you know, for men like watching sports and having something like that to talk to. I think, so we just, um, had your engagement party and your brother came in to town and your dad, and they just had so much bro time. And we haven't all been together for such a long time that I could just see Like the bonding happening.
And I think that's important. Like actual bonding over fun, laughing, those kinds of things in a family. Because like, it gives you something to talk about in the process. Like sometimes even when it's like a skill like that, I feel like you can focus on like, okay, get the golf swing right. You know what I mean?
For sure. Yes. We're not focused on, because you know, we've had stuff happen and you're not focused on that conversation anymore because we, at some point you got to move forward. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, 100%. Yeah, it's easy to dwell. Well, and you can't trauma bond forever either. That's the other thing with those friendships.
Like the small talk comes, I don't even know if small talks the right term, but like, Eventually you have to talk about other things, you know, you can sit there what I call it the metaphorical grave and like talk about what you're seeing at your graves for a while, but like eventually have to get up from the grave and go back to life.
And with people that I have trauma bonded with, that's also where you can kind of tell if a real friendship is going to be able to form or not because they either care about the mundane things going on in your life or they don't. And to be a good friend. It's also about caring about the mundanity and the tiny things going on with each other.
It is, you know, like, it is the real life present experience we're going through right now. Like we're sitting down watching a show together. Reminder to be a good friend. We do need to care about the mundane things of others. And I was just reflecting like, Do I do that? Hmm. I don't know that I do that.
Great. So many of my friends are moms, you know, their hard day is I had to change a bunch of diapers. I didn't get to really speak English with adults all day long. You know what I mean? Like it wouldn't sound crazy, horrible and dramatic and exciting as a story, but like they need to talk to someone about that.
And also just to chit chat, you know, like just to talk about your day with someone. So yeah, that's something I've become more intentional about because I didn't care for a long time. Like I didn't create a space for that. Yeah. What I learned from this is we need to be better friends and listen to people and maybe not so harsh on the phone, on and off the phone.
And just you have, have, have more asking how my day was more activities. Yeah. Yeah. And yes, because you're right. The trauma bonding is what it's, what it is, and you want somebody to bond with you and relate to you. And I think I may have participated in that yesterday. Um, what should I say? Participate.
That was trying to take the weight off me. We were both doing it. I was trying to take the weight off me. Yeah. And you can get a little bit of a buzz from it. You know what I mean? I'm just saying like when you're sharing like deep. Information like that. Like I like learning. I like learning about people You know what I mean?
I like processing things like i'm not even saying this is necessarily a bad thing I just mean like obviously that that feels more stimulating sometimes in the mundane aspects that you know But was it even that bad though? Like it could have been just like a conversation that was just like where you got there because that's just the topics that we're interested In for sure and what we focus on talking about and we have that in common And to take the weight off us a little bit You We were having this discussion about our lives, about how we got to this place with being assaulted by a man.
And a lot of it does, it could, I mean, and you did say this while yesterday, it, you can't raise the perfect child in the perfect house and do the perfect thing, but we did have some interesting similarities that. I don't know, it was exciting to me because I rarely meet people in my real life that have such similar backgrounds.
And I think now, instead of, I think this is also the main point I would make. Now, if I choose to overshare, it's a choice. Yes. It's not this unconscious habit that I have where I'm just doing it all the time, not aware of how it's potentially a safety issue. They're like, you know, I chose to have those conversations with you yesterday.
I was aware of what I was doing. I don't even think it was necessarily a bad thing. And I chose to do it. I was aware and I chose, you know what I mean? Not. Oh, okay. And I was just so excited. And then I did feel some guilt and shame that night that I laid so much on you because it was a heavy day already because it's emotionally draining to do this and share your story, which you did.
And then I was thinking, Oh my goodness. And then I laid that on top of that, which it just brings up stuff when you share those intimate parts of your life. Sure. Yeah. So apologies, but I do love you. I still say it was great to come down here and like, hang out with you guys. And it's been awesome. The kids this morning said, does it feel like she's been like in our life?
Like she's a cousin of ours and she's always been here. It feels like you're like a part of the family and the kids love it. Yeah. We love you, but anyway, thank you. Maybe because we all overshared. I mean, maybe, I don't know. I guess we trauma bonded. It worked. It worked. You're one of us now. Now we're gonna get really good at the chit chat.
Football! And I think there's more, but I do like the idea of activities and I think people should try to incorporate that. And also maybe if, My suggestion to you is if you are oversharing and vomiting all the personal details of all of your trauma in your life, maybe look into why you might be doing that.
Correct. Yeah. Just learning more about yourself, you know, and like, is this something you do all the time? Do you feel like you could utilize and approach conversations differently if you wanted to? If not, do you want to work on that? You know what I mean? Like, just not so much about guilt and shame. Right.
Just looking at yourself and trying to learn about yourself a little bit. guys once again for watching us, but Aaron has a great story. Watch our other podcast with her, but also go to her channel, Aaron's journal, and she shares a lot of her story and her lessons along the way that really are inspiring.
I've watched all of it twice, which is so crazy. It was good. It's good information. It really is. And also she is part of the red circle project. That's her nonprofit. You do want to share about that a little bit? Yeah. I created, um, an organization called the not. The red circle project and basically the reason I created red circle project is because I noticed that for people who are survivors of Grooming or long term abuse, which is essentially abusive brainwashing For people who are coming out of situations like that there tend to be cycles of abuse not just one instance because We have been indoctrinated into very unsafe ways of living and also have become addicted to abuse oftentimes So there's usually multiple relationships, not just one incident, and there's a lot of shame and secretness, secretiveness involved in that.
So, um, oftentimes survivors aren't talking about that to people, they're trying to hide it, they're trying to pretend that it isn't happening. And the point of Red Circle Project is to, to try to end those cycles of abuse through education and also just to help, uh, relieve those feelings of guilt and shame.
Because it's unfortunately just very normal and there is a reason that that's going on. So red circle project. com. We look forward to seeing you on the next podcast. I think we have coming up. We're going to talk about porn addiction and how it affects men and women so differently. And basically we're going to share your story a little bit, though you've already story and your thoughts on how it affects women.
And your thoughts on how men might be participating in it. Sure. Yeah. Don't forget to like and subscribe. Thank you. We love it. Bye. See ya