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🎙️ Episode 82: Is It Ever Okay to Lie to Someone You Love?
Is it ever okay to lie if your intentions are good?
What if your spouse tells the same story over and over again? Do you gently tell them they've already shared it... or pretend it's the first time because you love seeing their excitement?
In this solo episode, Zack Carter explores a surprisingly difficult ethical and relational question inspired by a Reddit post. Along the way, he examines John Gottman's research on bids for connection, discusses Santa Claus, Disney characters, storytelling, and why honesty and love aren't always as simple as they seem.
Ultimately, the conversation leads to a deeper question:
What does the person you love actually want from you?
Instead of assuming, perhaps the healthiest relationships are built by simply asking.
In this episode, you'll learn:
✅ What John Gottman's "bids for connection" reveal about healthy marriages
✅ Why small moments of responsiveness matter more than most couples realize
✅ Whether kindness can ever justify dishonesty
✅ How situations like Santa Claus, Disney characters, and movies differ from deception in close relationships
✅ Why good intentions don't automatically create healthy relationship patterns
✅ A practical question every couple should ask before making assumptions about what their partner wants
📞 Book a Clarity Call
https://escapethecagenow.com/contact/
📘 Get Mark's Free Book
https://escapethecagenow.com/subscribe/
📚 Mark's Books
https://escapethecagenow.com/books/
🦁 Lion Counseling
https://escapethecagenow.com/
💬 Comment below:
Would you rather your spouse tell you that you've already shared a story... or let you tell it again because they enjoy seeing you light up? Where do you draw the line between kindness and honesty?
Click here to watch a video of this episode.’
About the Lion Counseling Podcast
The Lion Counseling Podcast helps high-performing men develop the clarity, resilience, and emotional strength needed to lead well at home, at work, and in life. Through conversations on psychology, relationships, leadership, trauma, faith, and personal growth, Mark Odland and Zack Carter help listeners escape unhealthy patterns and build lives of courage, purpose, and integrity.
New episodes premiere every Tuesday.
Is it ever okay to lie if your intentions are good?
What if your spouse tells the same story over and over again? Do you gently tell them they've already shared it... or pretend it's the first time because you love seeing their excitement?
In this solo episode, Zack Carter explores a surprisingly difficult ethical and relational question inspired by a Reddit post. Along the way, he examines John Gottman's research on bids for connection, discusses Santa Claus, Disney characters, storytelling, and why honesty and love aren't always as simple as they seem.
Ultimately, the conversation leads to a deeper question:
What does the person you love actually want from you?
Instead of assuming, perhaps the healthiest relationships are built by simply asking.
In this episode, you'll learn:
✅ What John Gottman's "bids for connection" reveal about healthy marriages
✅ Why small moments of responsiveness matter more than most couples realize
✅ Whether kindness can ever justify dishonesty
✅ How situations like Santa Claus, Disney characters, and movies differ from deception in close relationships
✅ Why good intentions don't automatically create healthy relationship patterns
✅ A practical question every couple should ask before making assumptions about what their partner wants
📞 Book a Clarity Call
https://escapethecagenow.com/contact/
📘 Get Mark's Free Book
https://escapethecagenow.com/subscribe/
📚 Mark's Books
https://escapethecagenow.com/books/
🦁 Lion Counseling
https://escapethecagenow.com/
💬 Comment below:
Would you rather your spouse tell you that you've already shared a story... or let you tell it again because they enjoy seeing you light up? Where do you draw the line between kindness and honesty?
Click here to watch a video of this episode.’
About the Lion Counseling Podcast
The Lion Counseling Podcast helps high-performing men develop the clarity, resilience, and emotional strength needed to lead well at home, at work, and in life. Through conversations on psychology, relationships, leadership, trauma, faith, and personal growth, Mark Odland and Zack Carter help listeners escape unhealthy patterns and build lives of courage, purpose, and integrity.
New episodes premiere every Tuesday.
Creators and Guests
What is Lion Counseling Podcast?
The Lion Counseling Podcast helps men escape the cages that hold them back and become the Lions they were created to be. It exists to help men obtain success, purpose, happiness, and peace in their career and personal lives. The podcast is hosted by the founder of Lion Counseling, Mark Odland (Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified EMDR Therapist), and Zack Carter (Counselor and Coach with Lion Counseling). In their podcasts, they address a variety of topics relevant to men, including: mental health, relationships, masculinity, faith, success, business, and self-improvement.
Welcome to the Lying Counseling Podcast. Today, we are talking about whether it's okay to lie to those that you love if it's for a good reason. Came across this Reddit post where an interesting situation has arisen in this couple. I have a confession to make. My boyfriend's favorite thing in the world is to tell stories.
Zack Carter:Sometimes when he references one of them, I tell him he's never told me that one before, even if he has. He gets really passionate about it, and I like hearing him. On first glance, I'm like, yeah. Like, she's being sweet. This is a a a bid for connection.
Zack Carter:Gottman talks about bids for connection. And in a lot of relationships, we we miss these bids. I'll show you guys real quick. So Gottman talks about how if someone tries to connect with you, there's a few different ways that we could go about responding to this bid for connection, responding to this person trying to connect with us in this moment. And so we can turn towards the person.
Zack Carter:So if they say, oh, what a what a beautiful blue jay that's out in the back, you can turn towards go say, yeah, that is a beautiful like, take a look. Stop what you're doing. Yeah. That is a blue that is a beautiful blue jay. So you acknowledge.
Zack Carter:His research has found that the people who turn towards, who engage in this bid, they do it about 86 of the time, while those who eventually get divorced only do it about 33% of the time. So this is like a vital part of a relationship is connecting, trying to make the other person feel loved. The other ways that we can do it, we can turn away, so ignore it, they, uh-huh, okay, yeah, that's amazing. And the other person can kind of tell they're not really paying attention to the bluebird or whatever. And then we can turn against, Hey, I'm busy.
Zack Carter:Can you not bother me? So when we're reading this post of this person who is trying to just make their boyfriend feel good, the first initial glance is like, oh, yeah. This is this is pretty good. Most of the people in the comments are like, wow. An actual wholesome post.
Zack Carter:Yeah. That's awesome. It seems like most of the posts I came across were were kinda going along with this. But the more I thought about this, the more I was like, would I want my wife to just lie to me if I'm, like, telling the same story over and over and over? So I got to I got to thinking, and I'm like, I mean, part of me would want her to be honest with me.
Zack Carter:Maybe I still wanna tell a story, but I I I want some honesty. Yeah. Well, should we, like, also lie to kids about Santa? And I know this is a very famous question, a famous problem that comes up with parenting. This post states really well, why do we lie to our children and let them believe in Santa?
Zack Carter:Why do we create a belief and then shatter it for no good reason? Why not just give them gifts ourselves and show them love? Yeah. Because, like, typically, the rule is, like, lying isn't helpful. Lying destroys relationships.
Zack Carter:And so, like, part of me is, ugh. Yeah. I mean, like, but it's Santa. I enjoyed Santa. My parents let me believe in Santa for a bit, and we eventually found out.
Zack Carter:So this got me thinking of my daughter. And this year, she's been obsessed with Moana, and we took her to Disney World. And we're we're we find out Moana is live in person. There's not a line. It's amazing.
Zack Carter:It's I'm, like, carrying her. We're walking up to Moana and from afar, she can see her and she says, oh, Moana. There's this moment where I've got my nieces and nephews and my older brother and my wife and we're all there and she just, in this moment, gets to meet Moana and it's like amazing. And all the nieces and nephews, all the kids are like, oh, this is so cool. This is so fun.
Zack Carter:And, like, technically, that's a lie. Like, there is no person named Moana. And, like, this lady that she's met is just like a stranger that none of us know, and she's pretending to be a character that doesn't even exist. Okay. So is there a difference between the relationships?
Zack Carter:Is it okay to lie if we say we're loving? Because part of me is like, Mo Moana, Santa. I'm, like, lying to my daughter that these people exist when they don't. Do we also lie to ourselves? My wife and I, we're gonna go see the Odyssey.
Zack Carter:We're gonna step into this theater. We are going to be lying to ourselves, and we are going to be pretending as if the story that unfolds in front of us is real, that Odysseus is real, that his journey is real. All these things that we know aren't true, we just kind of pretend that they are true. Is there a way to know the difference between the Reddit couple versus kids versus ourselves. When we talk about this Reddit poster, this lie that she's telling is potentially indefinite.
Zack Carter:As far as we can tell, she has no intention of ever letting him know that he's telling the same stories over and over and over and over. With Santa, with Moana, with The Odyssey, we all know there's an understanding that it's gonna, like, come to an end, that we're gonna, like, come back to reality. Now we can pull from those stories. Good things can come from this. Like, you know, Santa, that it's better to give than to receive.
Zack Carter:That's his whole thing, to serve others. We see in the Redditor post that this is a private relationship habit versus something like Santa or going and seeing movies or Moana at Disney World. These are these are part of the culture that we we understand that we're all kinda participating in this tradition. Some people may argue, hey, it doesn't matter. Like you need to tell the truth 100% of the time.
Zack Carter:I'm not saying that they don't have a point. And so ultimately different people see these kinds of things very differently. And the thing that I would ask if this lady was my client, I'd ask her is, have you asked him, what would you want? Would you want me I know you love telling stories. Sometimes you tell stories that you've already told.
Zack Carter:Do you want me to pretend like I haven't heard it? Do you want me to encourage you and say, hey, you've told it before, but I love this story. Do you mind telling me it again? Do you want me to let you know so that you can not tell the story again? Because sometimes people feel foolish if they've already told something before and now they're like, Oh, I've already said this.
Zack Carter:And so I think the biggest part going back to Gottman's bids for connection, I think the best way to make sure that you're connecting with the person that you love is to ask them, what would you prefer we do in this situation? And then find out. And I think ultimately, that's going to build the relationship even more. While this Redditor, I don't think it's the worst thing that they could be doing. I think there's a lot of sweetness behind it.
Zack Carter:I think there's an opportunity to really get into a deeper, more healthy relationship if they talk to their partner rather than just pretending like they've never heard the story before. I I have a feeling people will have lots of opinions on this that, no, you should never lie. Yes. Sometimes lying is okay. This is a really interesting topic to debate back and forth.
Zack Carter:Please let us know below. As always, reach out to us at escapethecagenow dot com and sign up for a clarity call if you need help with mental health issues, relationship issues, addictions. We have a lot of experience in many different areas in helping clients overcome the issues in their life. That's all I got for you today. Have a great one.