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Diagnosed with Complex Trauma and a Dissociative Disorder, Emma and her system share what they learn along the way about complex trauma, dissociation (CPTSD, OSDD, DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality), etc.), and mental health. Educational, supportive, inclusive, and inspiring, System Speak documents her healing journey through the best and worst of life in recovery through insights, conversations, and collaborations.
Welcome to the System Speak podcast, a podcast about dissociative identity disorder.
Speaker 2:If you are new to the podcast, we recommend starting at the beginning episodes and listen in order to hear our story and what we have learned through this endeavor. Current episodes may be more applicable to longtime listeners and are likely to contain more advanced topics, emotional or other triggering content, and or reference earlier episodes that provide more context to what we are currently learning and experiencing. As always, please care for yourself during and after listening
Speaker 1:to the podcast. Thank you. Man. You guys, I got some things to say. But first, let me pull this.
Speaker 1:I don't even know how to tell you about this. First of all, first of all, I I don't even know what to say. First of all, well, we are at the new office, and we are painting. And I think it's a bad idea. I thought I know what I'm doing.
Speaker 1:But it turns out roll, roll, roll, drip, drip, drip, drip. Okay. One more good. Slap, slap, slap. Man.
Speaker 1:So hold on. I gotta get in the edges. Okay. So here's the problem. I'm the problem, miss me, because I thought I've done this before.
Speaker 1:This is easy peasy. Nope. Pain is hard work for one thing. For another thing, there's a lot of rooms. And for another thing, these rooms are the ugliest rooms you ever saw in your whole life.
Speaker 1:That's why we're painting. They are ugly red and ugly gray. Like, we're cheering for the redskins, and we're not, and that's racist. So we're painting over it. Well, I'm not good enough for painting, so I am the boss of primer.
Speaker 1:Primer means primer means paint over it for making the bad go away. But Jules is the boss of adding the good at this new place. Where we're gonna be painting, and I'm covered in it. See, I I put this roller up pretty good, get paint up pretty fast. I mind it.
Speaker 1:Pretty good at that. Mostly. And also, do you know what color I'm just? Gentle one. Gentle one.
Speaker 1:Gentle one, gentle one, gentle one, gentle one, gentle one, gentle one, gentle one, Gentle one. Gentle one. Gentle one. Aging. Aging.
Speaker 1:Smooth it. Smooth it. Smooth it. Smooth it. Okay.
Speaker 1:That one is above the door so he's a hard one. But what I gotta tell you is that, well, This these red walls are both ugly and creepy. That's like two for one sale. Got the edges. Wait for it.
Speaker 1:Wait for it. Don't miss it. Oh, no. You got this. Come on, buddy.
Speaker 1:Almost there. Oh, yeah. Okay. Another one. Another.
Speaker 1:Oh, that's cold cold that one. Oh, two gloves. Oh, nailed it, man. Never mind. I've got the door good.
Speaker 1:That's bad. If I get the door, I'll wipe it off with my shirt. That's why my shirt is covered in paint. You wanna know? But I thought you might wanna paint with me if I just talk while I'm going.
Speaker 1:We have a good time together. Be like, remember that day we paint in the office? And I'll be like, yeah. I do. You'll be like, that's why we're friends.
Speaker 1:So Jules said, just paint around the outlets. Like that. And she can get really close to them because she's working some magic. I am working a mess. That's what the truth is about that.
Speaker 1:So I'm trying to follow directions. And also, my paint is not cooperating. So I'm mostly, so far, good at making a mess. We had some talks about that. If they say, stay on your blanket, that is trauma.
Speaker 1:If they say, keep the paint on your plastic dropper sheet, that's just wisdom. That's the difference there. So Me it is working. I am just rolling, only allowed rolling Because turns out some people are good at painting walls, and some people are good at painting paintings. And I am not the skill set of painting walls as it turned out.
Speaker 1:So I can be a helper by only doing primer so I don't get grounded. And Jules is very brave. Let me help. Well, she might not know, I'm hoping. She wouldn't know if she was here, but right now, she's at her other office.
Speaker 1:So I'm talking to myself and talking to you. Man, my wall look thirsty. I think that wall thirsty. I just soak it right up. But red walls are both ugly and creepy unless I'm not tryna send you if you like red and get a pretty red.
Speaker 1:But I'm telling you, this red is dog ugly. Nobody wants therapy in that. We gonna have therapy? What are you gonna do? You gonna say, man, I was feeling bad till I got here and saw the color of your walls.
Speaker 1:Now I feel better about my life. That's what you're gonna do to people? I don't think that's a good idea. So here we are painting off the red so it don't look like blood on the walls or scariness. We got good, healthy, nice, safe colors we're putting up.
Speaker 1:There's a whole surprise. I'm not allowed to say it. Don't even ask me any more clues. And already, just with this primer on it looking better, Oh, man. I rolled right out of that tray.
Speaker 1:I thought I would like this because I was excited to try some new tools. But Turns out not every tool is made for every person, or it might be not every person is made for every tool, Or maybe I am a tool. I heard that once. I think it means something, but I don't know. Not supposed to use a word, but I don't know what does it mean.
Speaker 1:But, also, I did use a word on accident because I learned about the f word. Learned about it from Courtney. She said we gotta use it, not be shiny happy. But does not seem that good manners. And so am I gonna do it and am I not gonna do it?
Speaker 1:What is my choice? But then I shine a cape and I got rolling down good enough, like safe enough, but good enough, not perfect. I'm all over the ceiling in this place, and I wasn't even supposed to go that high. And Jules just said, it's okay, love. I'll take care of it, love.
Speaker 1:Don't worry, love. Sometimes I think when she says that, it just means I forgive you. She's not gonna kick me out. I'm making a mistake, but spare foster care, I guess. But I figure, no matter how bad I mess up these walls, it's not gonna be ugly as they were when we started.
Speaker 1:So can't mess up too much, can I? Until I think about that. Then other times, I think, oh, I just proved myself wrong because because turns out not my skill set. You know what is my skill set? The wheelhouse of nachos.
Speaker 1:So here we are. Naughty Nachos. Well, I ain't. Do you know something? I really like nachos.
Speaker 1:And do you know what? We're about go Texas. And when we go Texas, I'm pretty much gonna be excited about that because you know what they have there? Queso. Know who else they go up there besides queso?
Speaker 1:More queso. I'm a have queso every day. Every day my whole life in Texas. I say hello, Texas. I'm here for the night shows.
Speaker 1:Yes, a vacation? Not now. What will we get you there? Besides boring stuff. And you know what Jules told me?
Speaker 1:Jules told me that Jules told me Jules said, our hotel at the swimming pool at the hotel in Texas. Guess what you can see from the pool? Told me all about it. We can see Cowboy's Practice Field. Now don't make fun of me.
Speaker 1:I already heard you roll your eyes. But listen to me. I didn't tell you about this. When I was not just a wee thing, cowboys were pretty good. So I really liked them.
Speaker 1:If you could be stuck watching football they were the ones to watch. But then guess what happened next? Next, Olvin went to jail. That's it for my boy Troy. And then guess what happened next?
Speaker 1:Next, we moved to Kansas City anyway, and now we are on top of the world. Oh, man. I've got the window. Oh, scrape it. Man, Jules, I'm sorry.
Speaker 1:I tried to hope. I tried and I got a blister, but now I know. Move my hands around a little bit. You come to this office and you say and you see paint on the window? I'm really sorry.
Speaker 1:Now it's probably me. But, anyway, I'm also excited about seeing the cowboys practice field. But if I can see the cowboys practice field, I will know, say no to drugs or you go to jail. So life lessons from football. You get a girlfriend and say no to drugs.
Speaker 1:So I learned from Kansas City and from Dallas, Cowboys. Don't get the carpet. I'm telling you. So that is my story about that. But and now I got permission.
Speaker 1:Oh, man. I drip it, but that was on the drop cloths. Dripping drops. Dripping drops. Guys, don't lick the paint.
Speaker 1:It's not ice cream. Hold on. This part's the tricky part. Don't mess it up. You can do it.
Speaker 1:Come on, buddy. You got this. Oh, man. What I got is that outlet. Man.
Speaker 1:What the Try not to electrocute myself. That's one of the rules Jules has. She said, don't stick your fingers in this. And I said, okay. Then There I go doing it.
Speaker 1:Probably explains what happened to my hair. Okay. You gotta work together. We can't both fight over it. Alright.
Speaker 1:So yep. I'm this part is hard over the window. I'm so scared. Come on. You can do it.
Speaker 1:You got this. You got this painting. I'm just doing primer. I'm not doing a painting part. Jules is gonna do the painting part.
Speaker 1:But I did the primering. Well, I did the middle of the walls. I did not do the edges of the walls around the windows and things because that, my friend, is its own kind of problem. Hold on. Let me get this tricky part.
Speaker 1:So I'm just closing the window. Gentle. Gentle. Got it. So I'm just rolling walls, and it's not kid appropriate activity, but I I'm learning pretty good.
Speaker 1:I can roller because I wanna make all this red on the walls go wet. I do not like it, Sam. I am. And I did try we tried to be brave and do some edges because I like tools. And I thought I can learn this.
Speaker 1:I can do this. That's what I thought. I was a fool. And that is how that girl child in the other room watching movie, how she heard me say Kourtney's f bomb. That's what's called the f bomb.
Speaker 1:Do you know that? Maybe you already know it for a fan of the f bomb or a friend of the f bomb. Maybe at the community, we can take a poll. Do you love it or do you hate it? What is your vote on the f bomb?
Speaker 1:Because I said it on accident, but you know why? Because Courtney talked to me for one thing, but I will take my own responsibility of my own behavior. And because that edgers I'm stranger to edgers because I wanna learn that tool, and we really, really, really wanna help Jules. So I try to learn the edger. You guys, it was such a bad idea.
Speaker 1:I got paint on the ceiling. I got paint on the floor. I got paint on the carpet. I was so mad. I stepped back and I stepped into the paint.
Speaker 1:And then I looked up and I saw the paint on the ceiling, and my ear fell off my head and fell into the paint. Then I had to put my whole hand in the paint to get my ear out, and then I didn't have any choice but wipe it off on my shirt. And then I wiped my hands on my pants, save the ear. My ears are working, but that's how the f bomb happen. And then I text Jules, and I say, listen up, buddy.
Speaker 1:Listen up. Me and the edger, we are not friends, and I'm not doing that no more. I withdraw my consent, but I'm pretty good at rollering. So here I am rolling her up. Thousand victims did.
Speaker 1:And I wanna help also because when the girls are only helping, All they're doing are listening to that talk for Texas. They record it, and they just listen to it over and over to get ready. But listen, I gotta say something about that. You're ready. Stop listening to it.
Speaker 1:It's boring, and I'm done with it. It means we can't even listen to music because they just listen to that over and over. Guys, it's so long. It put me to sleep. And just think whatever you're trying to say, what are we trying to do?
Speaker 1:Just be quick about it. You just say what you wanna say. Get in. Get out. Be done.
Speaker 1:Nachos. Just like that. That's all I think. But I'm not the boss of it, and doing that talk is how I'm gonna pay for nachos. So I gotta let them, but I'm not fan.
Speaker 1:And we can take another poll. A vote. It's voting year. A poll is like a vote unless you're painting with the poll. That's what I'm doing.
Speaker 1:And we can take a voting poll. Is she gonna say the f bomb in her talk or not since we learn a new word from Courtney and Taylor. But I don't know. I think that's just good manners and not about shiny happy if you do not say the words. Some words, it's really important you go therapy and you learn how to say your things.
Speaker 1:Other words, it's really important you do not say them. That's what I think about that man. I'm Tucker. I'm Tucker out. Okay.
Speaker 1:So we got cooperate. That's the thing. Because that's how we pay for nachos. Look. We get to fly with Jules, and we get to sit next to Jules and have snacks with Jules.
Speaker 1:You know what Jules got us because we saw it and we laughed so hard? You know those cups that she likes? She likes them cups with the straw. She found a new lid for the cups that is a plate with sections like a bowl but with sections. And you can put your snacks in each section and she got them and we're gonna take them to Texas for carry around our snacks.
Speaker 1:How funny is that? She cracked me up. That girl crack me up. Man, she does. I like them.
Speaker 1:I like them. I like them a lot. You know one thing I really like, though? We talk about it at therapy today because I gotta tell you that story too. We had had some problems this year.
Speaker 1:Hard things and listen to old podcast. And I thought, man, no man. I was just a baby back then. I'm pretty cool kid now. But, yes.
Speaker 1:One more wall go. Jules has the double dot dare to not have the office perfect before letting people come here. So I'm here to serve. I'm making sure I do a bad job so it's not perfect. Just kidding.
Speaker 1:That's a joke. I'm just good at not doing it perfect, but here we are. Okay. Let's get this side of the door. And so don't get it.
Speaker 1:Don't get it. Oh, yep. Good job. Good job, buddy. Thank you.
Speaker 1:Thank you very much. So here we are. Pinin' rollering, cussin'. Not edging, no more edging. We're covering up these ugly walls so it will be paint.
Speaker 1:So when you come and visit us, it will feel safe and calm and lovely. Not man, what happened in here? These walls before us, I think they were painted by some angry, depressed men. That's what happened here. But now it's just getting painted by fun, happy people.
Speaker 1:That's different than shiny happy because we learn in therapy well, to be shiny happy. I said get off your blanket. She like a soldier. She's smart though. She knows she doing it.
Speaker 1:I gotta play at the sand tray, but then they made us do telehealth after that. So I didn't get a chance, but it's alright. It's alright, I reckon. It's looking pretty good in here. Getting kinda dizzy small in this stuff.
Speaker 1:But so what did I tell you is this, that at therapy, we talk about how we've been doing old podcast. And listen up, a lot of stuff went down and a lot of stuff happened and how we understand things about what happened with our first one that we called Kelly. And understand that better, understanding it made my fingers stuck together. That was weird. And at first at first, first, first one, That is why therapists have boundaries.
Speaker 1:So they don't do things like that. Do you? So we talk about that, and we talked about how we had a lot of questions for a while about what are we wanting, what are we not wanting, what are we like, what are we not like. Don't worry. I did that on purpose.
Speaker 1:I'll go get more paint again. Okay. Don't drop my phone in the paint. All that pouring. So we had a lot of questions, a really long time.
Speaker 1:But the good thing about questions whoops. I poured too much paint. Man, I'm not gifted at this. I don't even know which cuss word for using all that. You pour too much paint, which word is that?
Speaker 1:But The best thing about questions is that you find answers. And our question is, what kind of loving do we want? What kind of living do we want? What is okay with us? What is not okay with us?
Speaker 1:Everybody talking about all these things. And also, what how do you know if it's healthy or not healthy? And I said, I don't know about that, but I know that I do not like everybody always leaving, everybody changing their mind even if you have to get answers. So one thing I'm trying to tell you that I told my therapist that we like about Jules is that she stays, And that's my vote for her for staying. And we talk about leaving when when I wiggle that poem out of the pole.
Speaker 1:We talk about leaving when it's like let me think. Oh, I just splat myself right in the face. Splatter splatter. Okay. That's a whole run you did with me.
Speaker 1:Gonna sit down and rest a wrecking. I'll keep talking to you if you want. It's okay if you don't want. Man, that looks better than red. Like, better than dead.
Speaker 1:Better than red. Do you get it? So what I gotta say about it is that well, first, I need to tell you, I'm here with just one child who cannot hear me because they're watching a movie in the other room. There's no people here. I wanna say, I wanna tell you that I know about not recording a podcast when people are around or when you are bothering or when you have privacy or don't have privacy.
Speaker 1:When, I mean, when other people need privacy or you don't have privacy, that is do not record, d n r. Do not record. So I know about that. I know about that. Just so just so you know.
Speaker 1:But I'm by myself in another room, so I'm a tell you about it. And no one else is here. No work is happening because the only work happening was rowing, and I finished it, didn't I? Because I am not a edger. Do you know it's also called edges on the girl's hair?
Speaker 1:They got edges on their hair. We gotta take good care of those edges and make them wavy. Em can do that. I don't know how to do that. I don't know much about hair.
Speaker 1:But what I wanna say is sometimes leaving is hard. Like, my first therapist, that's hard leaving because words and and things are not matching for some really good things I learned, some really good helping I got. And also and also a little a little shiny happy for me. And I knew it was wrong, and I knew it was not okay. And then other problems.
Speaker 1:So I was crying about my nachos and not having a dog and I heard that again and I was a little embarrassed. And also, I was telling the truth. I know that I didn't know we was almost done there. I know I was crying because I knew it wasn't working and it feels like foster care. Other times, people leave because they don't like when you have a decision.
Speaker 1:Like, if they say, do you like ice cream And you say, not really. And they say, I'm not gonna be your friend no more. Well, that's not even nice. Why were you pretending to be someone care about me if you only want it your way? That's not nice.
Speaker 1:If you don't like nachos, I'm still your friend. You're not you're not gonna hurt my feelings. Deb says my friend and Deb's only me. I just do sometimes. Faced with nachos, I will.
Speaker 1:Or some fish. Sometimes. So I like chicken. I like also, I also like burger. Sometimes.
Speaker 1:Yeah. I'm pretty good with meat. Sorry sorry for that. Sorry for that, cow. I'm oh, that's just I like chicken even when I had chickens.
Speaker 1:That's called holding both. You you can hold a chicken and you can eat a chicken. That's called that's from therapy when you grow up. It's called holding both. Hold two chickens, One for playing and one for eating.
Speaker 1:Yep. Don't I hope Debs is not hear that? Sorry, Debs, about those chickens. I do love them. But if the fox is gonna get them, I'd rather I'd rather, you know, you know.
Speaker 1:Sorry, chickens. It's a very good echo in here. We should play a song in here before it's filled out with furniture. You can say bird. Bird.
Speaker 1:Bird. Bird. And, also, and, also, sometimes you gotta leave when it's not safe or comfortable or not what you like or need, and that's called saying no or boundaries. So when dad is not helping me at therapy, I say no thank you, and then I cry all the way home, but I know it start to make me sicker and not better. And we wanna get better.
Speaker 1:So we talk about that in therapy, but with Jules, it's about saying yes because we talk a long time about things well, we talk a long time and a lot of conversations, all they're doing is talking all the time unless there's hanky panky. But all the hard conversations and all the talking and all the thoughts and feelings, what do you need? What do I need? What do you want? What do I want?
Speaker 1:What are you thinking? What am I thinking? What are you feeling? What am I feeling? It just put me to sleep every time all that talking.
Speaker 1:Sometimes we take turns reading stories. Sometimes we play Lego or with dolls. Sometimes I'm I painted myself to the drop cloth. I done stuck myself good. It's like a Doctor Who episode with plastics.
Speaker 1:I mean, so we talk about all the things, and that's different. That's different from people who will not talk about all the things. And, also, sometimes you talk about all the things and it's still leaving. For, like, my movie and snack buddies, Nathan. The kids call him papa.
Speaker 1:Well, that's a hard leaving, but, also, it's not hard anymore because we left a long time ago. He left a long time ago. So I think it's going okay. It's been a lot of years. I think five years.
Speaker 1:And we talk about it and the kids talk about it and what do we need and just let it go? Let it go. Let it go. I can't go to Oklahoma anymore. I thought it would be sad, but I find out I am not actually very sad because I already felt all my sad.
Speaker 1:And because I know that we're still buddies, I still would not like him to pick the movies because he picks the weird movies. But that's okay. I like Nacho's. He likes weird movies. That's how it goes.
Speaker 1:But, also, also, I know she said we can't keep going in therapy, staying in the same situation. And talking about leaving, what does that mean for church? What does that mean for paperwork of not being together? And so I know that's a leaving that's healthy and safe and good, not a leaving of why are you being mean to me if you said you weren't my buddy. That does not happen.
Speaker 1:So even if we are also leaving and being a happier life, like painting new colors on the wall for a new beginning, Well, it's all good leaving. So now leaving is bad leaving. Some leaving is good leaving. Just like I didn't tear down the walls just because they were ugly. I did not jewels would not like that.
Speaker 1:It was not proof for tearing down any wolf. But painting painting's a good idea. So maybe if you are stuck and not feeling happy, maybe you just need new paint. Maybe you actually have more choices than you think. Maybe you can choose what feels good instead of trying so hard at what does not feel good.
Speaker 1:I think it's what we decided, and I think we did decide it. So they talked to Nathan about it because they already been talking for lots of years and years and years of it and said, it's time to do it on paper. So we're doing it on paper now. It's gonna happen, I think. I'm a little scared, but it's not like being a kid in court as a grown up with attorneys for helping you not testify nothing because nothing is unsafe except not having a choice.
Speaker 1:So we gotta defend our right to have a choice. And if we're gonna have choice, it's like new color on the walls. We pick out ourselves for what feels right to us and what feels good to us, like your own ice cream flavors. Like, if you like nachos or not, if you like the f bomb or not. What what what what does what does feel good at your body or not?
Speaker 1:What what you want your life to look like or not. And sometimes, there does not be leaving. Like, Jules have hard conversations stuck to that paper, but they are good conversations. And for growing like a flower or something, like like something growing out of the ground, and for a long time, you know it's in there, but you can't find it still till it starts peeking out of the ground and says, hello, springtime. And then it starts to feel good with the sun on your face.
Speaker 1:And to to be happy even if sometimes the days are rainy, I don't know. But I know one thing, even primer is better than those ugly colors. And I know another thing, having a fresh start feels pretty good. And I know one more thing, and that's nachos and queso are gonna feel even better. Thank you for listening.
Speaker 1:Your support of the podcast, the workbooks, and the community means so much to us as we try to create something together that's never been done before, not like this. Connection brings healing, and you can join us on the community at www.systemspeed.com. We'll see you there.