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What if you could get more of what you want in life? But not through pushing, forcing, or pressure.
You can.
When it comes to money, time, and energy, no one’s gonna turn away more.
And Kate Northrup, Bestselling Author of Money: A Love Story and Do Less and host of Plenty, is here to help you expand your capacity to receive all of the best.
As a Money Empowerment OG who’s been at it for nearly 2 decades, Kate’s the abundance-oriented best friend you may not even know you’ve always needed.
Pull up a chair every week with top thought leaders, luminaries, and adventurers to learn how to have more abundance with ease.
Do people change? Absolutely. Can you change them? No. The only way you might be able to inspire change in another human being, be it a family, a friend, your romantic partner, your child is through modeling.
Kate Northrup:Welcome to Plenty. I'm your host Kate Northrup, and together we are going on a journey to help you have an incredible relationship with money, time, and energy, and to have abundance on every possible level. Every week, we're gonna dive in with experts and insights to help you unlock a life of plenty. Let's go fill our cups. I get some version of the following question all the time, and that is, what do I do if I'm, like, all committed to this abundant stuff and I'm in expansion, and I believe in the energy of money, and I'm really committed to expanding in this way, except that I'm partnered with or married to someone who is deeply rooted in lack and scarcity.
Kate Northrup:So this happens all the time. I'll be perfectly honest. It's kind of like my parents. And so I know this one really intimately. And I think for all partnerships, we tend to gravitate towards people who are our opposite.
Kate Northrup:And that's beautiful. Right? Like, I think about oysters and how the agitation of having sand in an oyster over time creates a pearl. Or I think about how friction creates fire or how pressure creates a diamond. So there can be absolutely beautiful things that come from pression pressure, friction, irritation, and that opposite.
Kate Northrup:I will also say that I think that we can all teach each other things. And sometimes when we are partnered with someone who's more grounded in the tangible, what we can see and feel, when we are more into the intangible five d reality of manifestation or energy, actually, it can be beautifully grounding for us if we would allow ourselves to receive the medicine that our partner is bringing. So first up, what I would say is that, in general, when our partner is rooted in scarcity, when we are working on rewiring ourselves for abundance, we can frame that as this is happening for me, for my own growth, because if it's happening, it means I can learn something from it. So as opposed to automatically going to this is a problem, we can ask ourselves, okay. How is this here to teach me?
Kate Northrup:How can I expand from this experience? And my friend, Maura Moynihan, who I know I've I've talked about on the podcast before, she her question is so powerful, and she says, what if this wasn't a problem? Right? So let's start there. Like, if we if we say, what if this wasn't a problem?
Kate Northrup:A whole host of possibilities open up. There's a softening. There's, an opening for us to be able to see ways of relating or see lessons or gems that we couldn't see before when we were relating to our partner's relationship with abundance as a problem? In fact, what if it is a possibility? Right?
Kate Northrup:So just let's start there. The second thing that I would say is I really frequently see, and this is especially with women, especially in heterosexual couples, but I I'm sure it happens everywhere. I see women using their husband's scarcity programming as an excuse for why they can't have what they want. And I will say that is very sneaky, and it is an unconscious way to get out of the courageous work it takes to expand into abundance. So making your partner the problem is a very sneaky way of getting yourself off the hook.
Kate Northrup:Just see if that one lands for you. Because if we make our partner the problem, then we don't actually have to look at ourselves. So I would ask, for each of us, is there any way in which my partner's commitment to scarcity is mirroring or reflecting or an invitation for me to look at any of my own scarcity in myself? Like, is there any way that my partner is reflecting, mirroring something that I need to look at myself? Because nearly every single time we want something in the external world, the best way to receive it is to give it to ourselves first.
Kate Northrup:So, for example, if your partner let me think of a good example here. Okay. So maybe you really like to go out to nice dinners, and your partner says it's too expensive and that you both need to eat all your meals at home. So you might say, well, it's my partner is the problem. I want this thing.
Kate Northrup:They're saying I can't have it, but I want this thing. I would ask yourself, how can I experience, how can I create for myself the experience I long for of having an elegant meal, perhaps where someone else serves it to me? Right? And you could even be playful with it and even say to your partner, okay. Cool.
Kate Northrup:We're gonna eat at home. My desire is every now and again to have a delicious elegant meal that is cooked by someone else, that is served by someone else, where someone else cleans up. Is that an experience that you would be willing to create, perhaps, instead of us going out for a meal since you don't wanna spend the money. Right? So that you could actually create an opening of possibility for how you could get what you want through another avenue where you both win.
Kate Northrup:And maybe that's something you could trade off and on while still aligning with your family's spending plan. I don't know. It's a possibility. Or maybe it's that you trade, delicious, elegant meals with another family or with a girlfriend or whatever. But there's always a way, even if it's a small way, to give ourselves what we want in exactly the way our lives are set up right now.
Kate Northrup:And the act of giving yourself permission to have what you want with your life exactly the way it is right now always creates an opening for you to have even more of that experience. Why? Because it wires your neural pathways to have the receptor sites literally, for that experience. And when you repeat that over and over and over again, you can't help but have more experiences that match with it because our external world is always a match for our internal environment. Okay.
Kate Northrup:So that was another thing. When your partner is rooted in scarcity, it is very frequently due to their own money story. And that's why it's really important in relationships to understand our partner's money stories. What was it like for them growing up? What did they experience around money?
Kate Northrup:Do they have any, emotional hangovers around money? Any financial traumas? What did they learn about money? How did their parents talk about money? What was modeled to them explicitly, implicitly?
Kate Northrup:Because they are walking around with that programming. You have to understand you're not only partnering with your person, you're also partnering with their lineage. And we need to ask ourselves, certainly, if you're in the dating realm of your life, I would really ask yourself, when you meet your partner's family, you might wanna ask yourself, is this a lineage that I am willing to engage with? Because that those lineage patterns are going to be part of your life. Whether your partner is working on healing those lineage patterns or not, you are going to be coming face to face with those patterns over and over and over again.
Kate Northrup:So choose wisely. Now I do believe that we choose our partners to heal particular childhood wounds that they exacerbate. Right? So in Mike and my relationship, I've talked about this before. We've talked about it a lot.
Kate Northrup:I have this deep wounding around not feeling supported, and he has deep wounding around not feeling enough. So the less supported I feel, the less he feels like he's enough. And the less he feels like he's enough, the less I feel I'm supported. Right? So we get into these loops where our childhood wounding is just out here doing a dance together, and we might be, you know, grown ass adults in our forties with kids, but we are essentially two hurt little kids playing stuff out together.
Kate Northrup:And because we've done a lot of therapy, because we've been willing to tell each other our stories, because we've been willing to hold space for each other, and and listen compassionately to what's coming up for the other person and to really deeply understand that the content of any particular disagreement or argument we're having is not actually about the content itself. It is 99.9% of the time, us bringing old stuff to the table and something in the content of our interaction getting activated. Right? So many years ago, Mike and I got in a fight about, who was making this particular stuffed peppers dish for dinner. And I can't even remember the details of the conflict, but I know it was about stuff stuffed peppers externally.
Kate Northrup:Right? We were fighting about stuffed peppers, which, you know, now is ridiculous. And, again, I cannot remember what happened, but I do know it was one of our first huge fights. And I was asking myself in that moment, oh my god. Did I marry the wrong person?
Kate Northrup:I mean, it was that bad. No. Of course, I for sure married the right person. We've done so much healing since then. This was in, like, 02/2016.
Kate Northrup:I think it was a long time ago. But, ultimately, like, we're fighting about stuffed peppers, but it was about our deep, deep, deep stuff. When it comes to money, money brings up our deep, deep, deep stuff, especially our feelings around security and freedom. And some people over couple money and love, I certainly have had patterns of that in the past. So especially in romantic partnership, we can get really deep into the quagmire when it comes to money and partnership and possibility and safety and security and values and all of that stuff.
Kate Northrup:So all I'm saying here is understanding your partner's money story is critical. And if you choose to join our Relax Money program, you can actually join with your partner, with your romantic partner for the price of one person because I believe so deeply in healing money difficulty, healing money stories in partnership. It can set relationships free. And when I think about the intergenerational healing, the lineage clearing, and the possibility that opens up when two people heal their money stuff together, it is so powerful how much it can change possibilities for families, for intergenerational wealth, for intergenerational joy, for intergenerational freedom. And so, this is some of the work that we do in our program.
Kate Northrup:Okay. So you gotta know your your your partner's money story because their triggers are gonna come up, and your triggers are gonna come up. And it's so much easier to stay open hearted with your partner when you understand the landscape of their psyche because they will unconsciously bring stuff to the conversation around money that doesn't actually have to do with money or the present day situation, but they're bringing it. And if you know that, then you won't get so hooked by the content, and one or the other of you can help to bring the conversation to what it really is about, which is nine times out of 10, our deeper childhood conditioning as it relates to money, safety, security, and love. So it's like really big stuff here.
Kate Northrup:At the end of the day, your abundance is your own responsibility. And the only time this is my friend Chris Carr says, the only time you can change someone else is when they are in diapers. Okay? So whoever your partner is is who your partner is, and you are not going to change them. Do people change?
Kate Northrup:Absolutely. Can you change them? No. The only way you might be able to inspire change in another human being, be it a family, a friend, your romantic partner, your child, is through modeling. So, your job is to stay committed to your own financial healing journey.
Kate Northrup:That's it. Keep your eyes on your own paper. I promise you, you will get hooked. You will want everyone else to come with you. You will feel like, oh, I can't do this unless my husband or my partner comes along.
Kate Northrup:And I promise you, you are wrong. You can absolutely do this with your own sovereignty, with your own level of commitment. Would it be wonderful if they came with you? Yes. And guess what?
Kate Northrup:You can invite them in a lovely, loving, delicious way. What ends up happening is for so many years, women in particular have been disappointed. And I'm not pointing fingers at men right now. I'm just saying this is a dynamic that I see where women are perpetually disappointed. And so when it comes to inviting their partner into a new possibility, they're already in deep disapproval and crankiness.
Kate Northrup:Okay? So the invitation is not very appealing. And so what I would do is find your approval muscle. Right? So how does your partner show up in ways that delight you?
Kate Northrup:How are they already contributing to the incredible abundance in your life? Even if it's not what you think it should be or what you wish it were, what is actually working? My friend Regina, mama Gina, says, the sooner you can get into approval about what is, the sooner what's next will fall into your lap. So you want to get into agreement with what is. So what is in your relationship?
Kate Northrup:Maybe your partner is deeply grounded in three d reality. How wonderful. Maybe they make you feel so safe because they're so good at taking care of the tactile logistical details of living here on planet Earth. How wonderful. Can you find a place within you that can be grateful for that, that can approve of them for all the ways they are showing up?
Kate Northrup:And then from that place, could you flirtatiously, seductively, or at least lovingly invite them into a new possibility. And if you can do that from a place of approval, they are much more likely to come along than if you are bringing with you decades of resentment. So I hope this was helpful. I promise you, you get to have abundance no matter what. Don't let anyone hold you back.
Kate Northrup:Keep your eyes on your own paper and keep moving forward because this is absolutely your birthright. And, also, we have hundreds and hundreds of stories of financial healing within couples. So I am going to just keep that light on that you can be the next one. Thanks so much for listening, and I'll see you next time. Thanks for listening to this episode of Plenty.
Kate Northrup:If you enjoyed it, make sure you subscribe, leave a rating, leave a review. That's one of the best ways that you can ensure to spread the abundance of plenty with others. You can even text it to a friend and tell them to listen in. And if you want even more support to expand your abundance, head over to katenorthrop.com/breakthroughs, where you can grab my free money breakthrough guide that details the biggest money breakthroughs from some of the top earning women I know, plus a mini lesson accompanying it with my own biggest money breakthroughs and a nervous system healing tool for you to expand your abundance. Again, that's over at katenorthrup.com/breakthroughs.
Kate Northrup:See you next time.