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Finding life after loss, Two Dancing Widows dives into the stories of resilience, hope, and transformation. Hosts Toni and Hettie welcome new guests each week, from widowers and life coaches to those battling severe illness, who share their journeys through struggle and their paths back to joy. This podcast is for anyone navigating grief or simply looking for inspiration to live and love deeply again. Tune in for heartfelt conversations that remind us all that healing, while challenging, is a dance worth stepping into.
Coming up on this episode of Two Dancing Widows.
I have a question. I'll ask you a question that she asked me.
She asked me, when did you know that you were in love with dad?
So I'll ask you when did you know that you were in love with Brandy?
So in 2010 my dad got diagnosed with cancer, like cold cancer. He's still around.
He's been treated. He's been treated. He's been treated right now.
But at the time, they were living in California and I wanted to be out there with them.
And so I was leaving Chicago. And I'd always been somebody that could just like pick up and go.
That's how I ended up in Chicago. I realized that it could be that a lot of stuff in Chicago behind.
But I couldn't, I couldn't leave Brandy behind. And so I asked her, I mean, there's a shot in the
dark. I asked her to come with me. And I didn't know what she was going to say.
Like, it was like really, it was kind of like the bravest thing I've ever done.
Because I had no idea what to answer with because usually I want to know what to answer
the question is before I ask. But she said yes. And because I had that was when I had known
that I could't leave her. Like I didn't love her. I want her to come with me.
So that's what I called her. And she said yes. And then she could live in any,
um, that was one of the happiest moments in my life.
Welcome to two dancing widows, the podcast where we explore life after loss.
And the strength we find in each other's stories. In today's episode,
Heady opens up about the heartbreaking loss of her daughter, Brandy, who passed away at just 44
from pancreatic cancer. Together with Brandy's husband, David, we hear a deeply moving conversation
that offers a widower's perspective on grief, love, and what it means to keep moving forward.
So join Heady, Tony, and David as they remind us that even through pain,
there is community, there is resilience, and there is always a way to keep dancing.
Yeah.
We'll have to rentales from a time so bold they share the stories yet I'm told.
Well, hello, we are here once again. We are the two dancing widows. So today we have a very special show.
I know I haven't shared with our listeners yet, but I recently had a loss.
My family was my youngest daughter and very dear and near to my heart, as you all know,
that your daughters would be loved her so. But we decided that, you know, Brandy was 44 years old.
She died from pancreatic cancer, but we decided to have her husband on to talk about his journey
through her loss. Now, he and I will both talk some, but basically, David will do the talking
because we wanted to interview a widower. We've talked a lot about how widows feel. We've had
a few guys on, but not a lot. And we have never, ever had a really young guy on. And David is very
young and early along their journey, they have been married eight years, the time of his loss.
And so we have David with us today. So David, can you just talk a little bit with us about
first of all, how did you guys meet your journey to each other? Your love story.
Hi.
Hey, Eddie.
Yeah, so Brandy and I, we work together at the Safer Foundation here in Chicago.
It's a nonprofit that helps people with criminal records return to society with job training
and housing and stuff. Brandy did policy work, I did communications and marketing.
But the key thing is that we lived a block away from each other in high part,
because we didn't actually work together very much at the office. So one day we were just heading
out of the office together and we were just waiting for the bus. And I was like, hey,
do we work together? And so that's how we got started talking. And then just 45 minutes a day
on the bus heading home. If we could buy us lucky, 45 minutes in the morning, if we were on the same
bus in the morning. And just talking about everything and she made me laugh and she was really
funny, really smart. And just a real, just everything I could have wanted in a friend. And then we
were just really close friends and then just kind of evolved. And we went to the basketball games,
seeing her dad coach hanging out with Eddie and her sister Erica and just kind of getting to
no Brandy along the way. But yeah, it's definitely a CTA love story. So you can chat that one up
to the X28 bus. Yeah, the X28 bus. Jay, that you're a writer. I think that's a great title for a story
is that the CTA love story. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, yeah, if they're on board, if there's a lot,
just the writing the bus is just a lot of things. Just because you can see, I just love writing the
bus because you can see the community go by and you just really felt a part of being a part of
the community on your way to work every day. And just having Brandy there by my side made it
even more fun. So you're just laughing and joking away. So who changed that relationship from
friend to more than that? I mean, this, this would be up for debate. If Brandy was here,
I'm sure she has one version. I have another. So I was like completely oblivious for a while that
she might like me because I mean, I think I was like, tell my friends, she looks like a model.
Like, why would she be into me? So I kind of just like, that's just a cool friend. And they're like,
yeah, what about Brandy? And I'm like, oh, yeah, she's my friend because that's way out of my lead.
Come on, let's be honest. But I don't know what I asked her to the movies or she asked me to the
movies. We ended up going to the movies together. And that was kind of somehow turned into a
defect over state. And then I think a kind of, you know, went from there like, oh, wait,
what makes us such great friends could be the foundation for what makes us, you know, even more than that.
And I know I didn't know you or Brandy really for a long period of time, but I was always so,
I'm very much a romantic. And so I'm always into people's love stories. And I just kind of
want to hear all of that. And I remember thinking about you all the time, is that how supportive
you were of each other. And when she had her, her event at the art gallery and you were there
outside talking on the phone during business, but you had come to make sure everything was set up
and she had all the support she needed. And just the way you were with each other, I could just
tell you both were just really crazy about each other. And I just love that.
Yeah, I mean, I just feel really fortunate to have been able to, because like when you find someone
that sees the world the way you do, and approaches other people the way you do, and you just have
a kind of shared values. And then on top of that, you know, you can make each other laugh. And you're
always having fun together. And then in the talking just, you know, because we just talked all day
every day and never got tired of talking to it. You can just like, we could talk about anything,
or we could eventually just sit in silence and be comfortable with each other. Yes.
Just knowing that that's where it is. And I think it's just kind of the, when you trust somebody,
just implicitly, and you love them unconditionally, then like it just, the world can be really cruel,
you know, and it is especially cruel to black women like Randy and like you guys. And especially
in the work that she was doing, doing civil rights works, she would get a lot of the trail thrown
at her all the time. And, but we didn't, she didn't have to deal a little bit alone. And like,
and like we could do with it together. And it's just kind of like knowing how cruel the world can be
just having like a sidekick there with you that you just can trust and just know that that
person is there. I mean, it, it, I know that a lot of people don't find it. And that's why like, I'm not,
I'm like really grateful that I had that, even though I didn't have it for as long as I wanted to.
I have a question, I'll ask you a question that she asked me. She asked me, when did you know
that you were in love with dad? So I'll ask you when did you know that you were in love with Randy?
So, um, in 2010, my dad got diagnosed with cancer, like a cold cancer. He's still around,
he, he, he, he beat it. Um, and he, he's doing right now. But, um, at the time, like they were living
California and I wanted to be out there with them. And so I was leaving Chicago. And I'd always been
somebody that could just like pick up and go. That's how I ended up in Chicago. Um, you've always been
somebody that always wanted to be somewhere other than where I was. Like I was always like
wanting, I was like, there's gotta be something better, you know, and like just like constantly
seeking that and like, you know, like a bag of bond kind of heart. And um, you know, because like,
like, you know, hit the open road and leave it behind, you know, that kind of thing. But then I,
as it was getting closer and as I was leaving, like, I realized that I could leave a lot of stuff
in Chicago behind. But I, I couldn't, I couldn't leave Brandy behind. And so I asked her, I, I mean,
these are shot in the dark. I asked her to come with me. And, um, I didn't know what she was going to say.
Like it was like really, it was kind of like the, the, the, the bravest thing I've ever done,
because I had no idea what to answer with because usually I want to know what the answer to the
question is before I ask it. Um, but she said, yes. And um, and because I had, that was when I had
known that I can't leave her, like I, I even love with her. And I want her to come with me. So
that's why I told her. And she said, yes. And then she came with me. And um, that was one of the
happiest moments of my life. And that's what you proposed in California, correct? I did. I knew the
answer that time. Yeah. So I took my time as heading notice. But uh, seven whole years later,
we've finally got around to it, um, getting married. Um, but, um, yeah, I mean,
by that point, that was how I wanted to spend my life. So I, I know personally that, uh, it was
right around New Year's that this happened. And so New Year's will always have a,
be sort of a special day, but at the same time, not necessarily a happy day. So can you,
could you tell us about the two times in your life with Brandy when New Year's was, you know,
that important day. And when it was not so, when it was like the worst day, the best day of the
worst day, well fun the same day. Yeah. And honestly, uh, I'm, we're going to pack that a little bit.
I learned that, uh, recently that New Year's is going to be a real trigger for me. So we'll see
how that goes. Um, yeah. So New Year's 2016. So it was only five years of me dragging like the,
I think, five and five plus. I know that some people were wondering if I'd ever get around to it.
But, um, I, uh, I got my grandma's ring. And, um, I was just, it was New Year's in the morning,
out in California. We were in our apartment. And I, uh, so I don't know if you ever seen the movie
Dick Tracy with, with, uh, uh, Warren, baby, he, uh, he, like, at the end of the movie, he proposes
to test spoiler alert. If you haven't seen the movie, that's 30 some years old. The, um,
and he like stands in there and he just like, winked at her and he's like, you're one and a million
kid and he throws her a ring. And then, and that's like how he proposes, like, seeing it,
I was like, I thought that was really cool. I don't, I was never that cool. I was never as cool as
Warren, baby. But, um, uh, but I did that. And I stood in the doorway and I just like tossed
her box and I was like, you're one and a million kid. And then she opened it up and she was like,
because she, like, because she didn't know it was coming. And so, uh, even though, because she
didn't think I'd ever get around to it probably. But, uh, but she said yes. And, and it was just,
it was a truly happy moment. And it was just really, you know, wonderful. We got married
18 months later. So, um, but yeah, then, you know, if you flash forward to, um, I mean, around
this time, so this is October, we're, we're recording this, right, at the end of September,
early October. This is around the time that Brandy was getting kind of having stomach aches and
just minor stuff. And we just thought it was minor stuff. But, um, got progressively worse over
the course of, over the next few months. And, um, yeah, by the time of New Year's, like, she
had already been in the hospital once. She hadn't been eating very well. She had lost a lot of weight.
Um, we went to, um, the emergency room at about 4 p.m. on New Year's Eve.
This John's Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. And, um, we were there for 16 hours in the waiting room.
And, um, that's where we, you know, we saw, you could see this is the Hopkins hospitals on top of
the hill. It's like this, like, palace on the hill, basically, involved more. And like, you can,
so you can see out and I didn't realize from the, from the waiting room, just over the top of
the buildings, you can see the fireworks. So we could see the fireworks from, from the harbor,
where they were celebrating New Year's, but we were in the emergency room waiting room. And Brandy
was like in a lot of pain. She was like, Ben over. They wouldn't give her Thailand over like hours.
And, um, I mean, just kind of sat there and, um, and, uh, just waited. It was 16 hours.
And, um, or 14 hours, 14 hours. And then finally in the morning, we were, we were able to
some really nice nurses and the, in the staff, they, they finally got us back there. And then that's when,
um, they finally got her in bed. And so she could go to sleep. And I had like a plastic chair. So I
just sitting there, still like, I slept in, um, or 40 hours or so. Um, they were, they thought it was
the gallbladder. So they were going to, you know, remove her gallbladder. Um, but they need to do a
MRI first. And then, um, you know, later that evening on the first, uh, New Year's Day, um, the,
the emergency room doctor came in and he's really upset. And, um, any, any was like, you know,
you're going to hear a lot about cancer. And, but I just want you to know that you're in, in the
right place. But I wanted you to know that, you know, we found something on the MRI. There is a,
what we believe to be a tumor in your, um, by your pancreas. And so, you know, over the course of
the next day and a half, a couple days, we didn't get any good news. Um, you know, it was the tumor.
It was, uh, cancerous. Um, there were lesions on the liver. And so it had metastasized already. So
that made it, you know, stage four. So, um, and it's a very, very tough, tough disease. So that was,
that's what the, the most recent New Year's is was that. And so it is very difficult to kind of,
you know, think about how happy I was one and then how sad I was the other. Though I will say that,
um, like I honestly hope nobody has to go through what we had to go through on this New Year's day. But
it's like really odd when you're put in, in a situation like that. And like when your, when your
body is pushed to like its limits, um, and your emotions are afraid, like beyond what a human can
normally do. Like you're awake all the time and you're just running on pure adrenaline and you're,
you're just like wanting to do anything possible to make this pain go away. But like you're, you're like
when you, and it's like horrible, like every moment of it is horrible. But like, when you
sit there and like, and I look back on it and I'm like when, when you love something that much
and like you're just wanting everything, like putting your entire body, like towards that and like
your entire being towards that, like it's not even, it's like way beyond like yourself. I mean,
like that is, I've never felt more alive than I did that this New Year's because it's just like
that is what being alive is, is just like feeling that feeling because I, I found that and I know
that a lot of people do. And so, um, I'm really grateful that, I mean like obviously I'm not
grateful that I went through that, but I mean like it was just like a bond that is just so much stronger
between me and Brandy that, you know, that I'll always stay with me and I know it stayed with her
till the end as well. So, um, yeah, I mean it was the, it was the worst day of my life, like unquestionably.
But um, but it was also a time where I mean like that is, that is the part kind of like that is
what it means to be alive. So, um, yeah, and then I think that's, that's what it means to have a
partnership because I'll have to say that, um, when you get news like that, it's at once devastating,
but at the same time, you find the energy to do the things that you have to do and to get through it.
But I know when you guys call me, I didn't even know what it meant. I really didn't know what it meant.
I just couldn't think about it. I mean, I knew I had had two friends that passed from pancreatic
cancer, but one of them got really, really sick and then she survived for four years before she
passed. And the other one survived for about two or three years. So, I never, ever thought.
That the end would be so soon, even though obviously immediately I began to do all this research
and looking at records and, you know, Eric has the consummate researcher, her sister. So, when I called her,
she's sending me the worst news possible. Everything's saying six months, five months. I'm like,
how you can't just die in five or six months. I mean, I knew she had lost a lot of weight. We had
been in Milan in November. And I was teasing her so much because, you know, like you said,
Granny's always been really bright and she had been invited to this symposium of brilliant people
to think about the, you know, the future for young people. And it was a conference of bright
and smart people. And I said, I tease her and say, well, I thought I was smart, but I never got
invited to anything like this. And we were having a good time when we wanted to go to these
different places and eat, but she couldn't. You know, she would eat, but then she'd be sick. She'd
eat and then she'd be sick. I never thought it was anything more than indigestion. Or, you know,
something like that. And I thought, oh, opera's all, opera's all, or some medicine, or tons, or
something ought to work. So we're applying her with that. And then I saw her when you guys came
before Christmas because she said, mom, you know, we're not going to spend Christmas to you this year.
We're going to spend it with David's family. And she had suddenly lost about 20 pounds. And I thought,
oh, my God, this is drastic. But I still thought she just couldn't eat. So, and I thought, you know,
when they said originally when she thought that it was, you know, something else, I thought, well,
that makes sense. That makes sense, you know, but it is really devastating. It's too hard
to wrap your head around. But at the same time, I felt like you too will pours the in
in that I was able to spend those six months with her. And even though you guys were in Baltimore,
and we were in Chicago, you know, every couple of weeks I came up and we'd stay together at the
hotel during her treatment. And I have to say that I've never seen anyone as dedicated to anyone
as you work to her. I mean, I would come back and tell everybody, remember Tommy? Yes.
David knew everything. It was like he was a doctor. Everybody wanted to know, are you in the
medical field? Because he knew every medicine that she was taking, how much she had taken, he knew
what worked, what didn't work. And when Brandy didn't even have the energy to lift her head, you know,
he kind of proper up or whatever. And he got her going a whole lot of times when she, I knew she
just didn't have the energy to go herself. But so. And I kind of experienced that too, David,
and when you talked about how you feel, I felt so grateful and so blessed as I've after I look
back over Jimmy's illness that I had been almost selected, if you will, to be his special person
because we were like two peas in a pod too. And that I was given the privilege of being with him
and helping him and seeing him through the worst part of his life, which would be the worst part
of his life. And that that was an honor that I was selected to be that person that could be with
him, you know, if you will, till the end. And so that gave me a great deal of comfort when I look
back. But in the in the midst of it, it is beyond. I always, you said you felt, that's when you knew
about being alive. I felt so overwhelmed. I felt like I was living in a different space than
other people because I've also had the butt on the plastic chairs for hours and hours and being in
the emergency room itself for three days behind the curtain. And at the time you're so drained,
you don't think you can make it. I used to feel like I was a little pebble in the field that would
look out like this little pebble that I was just out there. But but I'm glad you got that feeling
of gratitude. Like I, you know, I took care of her the best that I could and I and I had that and
that helped me a lot. I have a question now for you because for me, I mean, I was so,
I should say angry about that because it felt so unfair. It felt like why? And I was not angry at
you or at the doctors. I was actually angry at her dad who, yeah, who had died a few years before
because they had this very, very close relationship. And I knew it was crushing on her when we lost
him as it was for me. But his was unlike hers. We didn't get a diagnosis. He, you know, had some
serious problems in the hospital and just died. So we didn't get that time together to talk about it.
But I kept thinking and I know the sounds weird that he was coming back for her.
You actually said that to me. You said that to me one day. I'll know if you remember. And you said,
I've met at Jimmy Collins. He better not be coming back for my baby. Yeah. Yeah. I mean,
I just thought he's coming for her. How could he do that? How could he come for her? Because I mean,
how could you just get something one day that we know about, I mean, a year before that,
they're traveling, they're doing international stuff. We were in close to rea. I was going to say,
we were having a blast in Costa Rica in October. September. September. September. Yes.
In October, she was doing the the argument at the Gisharga Gallery where David, that she spoke about
where David was so supportive and he was out. Yes. Yes. Even though he was working just to make sure
that she got through that. And I just said so much anger at her dad because I felt like,
how could he do this to me? How could he come and take her like this? And so I guess I would ask you,
did you ever have any anger during that time or how did that feel?
Well, you know, no, actually, I don't think I was ever angry.
Like I know that we got cheated out a lot. Like, you know, that was that was kind of the most
overwhelming thing of it all is me sitting there thinking like, I am 42. I could live another 42
years and Brandy's not going to be there. And like, I was thinking, yeah, I was thinking, you know,
just like the remaining years were kind of like a avalanche, like just hanging over me because it's
like, I'm 42. I could live another 42 years and Brandy's not going to be here. My whole
my whole life, I was completely prepared to just grow over there and that would be that and I was
completely content and satisfied with that. And now all of a sudden, everything that I had planned,
everything we planned together was gone. And like I didn't, but I was never angry. And I was like,
I'm not going to let this make me bitter and I'm not going to let this change who I am. And I'm just
going to try to do right. And I mean, that's kind of been how I've been approaching it.
Like about how I think about myself and how I think about, you know, what I want to do and the
person I want to be going forward. I mean, like Brandy didn't want me to be some bitter,
hateful dude that's walking around just mad at the world. And that's not what I'm going to do.
Because the world gave me Brandy and the world took Brandy from me. But like even as bad as it was,
the first six months of this year and it was bad. I would do it all again if I could still get
the same 15 years I had with her. I just wish there was a lot more time. That's all.
What were your support systems, David? Did you have for emotional support? Did you have?
What did you, I mean, I had Eddie and I had Erica and I had my mom and dad and my sister and
my neighbors and my friends and Brandy's friends. And I mean, like when it happens when you're
kind of in the prime of your life, like you have all these networks still, like my colleagues
are supportive Brandy's colleagues are supportive. Like everybody, you just know so many people.
And like, and like you're all just like everybody stunned and like, I and like,
everybody wants to help. And you want to, you want to like, you know, like my instinct is like,
you know, I got this and whatever, like, you know, it's okay. I don't want you to put you guys out.
But like part of it is you just got to learn to like give people the chance to help.
And then that kind of does feel good. And like, even if even if the help that comes is not
necessarily what you need right now, but just like allowing people to feel that they are helping.
Kind of makes makes them feel better and then seeing how they feel better makes me feel better.
And then it's just kind of a kind of a way that it goes and just kind of like we we we got someone
to help us declutter the house. And that made the house a lot more comfortable. We got
you know, we have we also have the cats that we're always around and it's been very interesting
watching how animals grieve because they do. Yes they do. And and and just like watching
them kind of really try to take care of brandy. And just kind of like, but yeah, I also did something
on social media or the email where people could get information. Yeah, I did the caring bridge.
caring bridge. And and I would I wrote the updates myself and Brandy could write them when
when she was feeling a port too. And and obviously I knew I was this distant second most popular poster
there. Especially since I was especially since I was getting bad news and everybody wanted to hear
from Brandy. But I mean, it was hard. It was hard to update the the caring bridge because like I
knew like when you're in it every day, it just seems like you're the only person in it.
Yes, sometimes yes. And like, but then I knew like as soon as I hit sand on this, like I am
ruining everybody I know today. When they see what happened and what's going on with Brandy.
And like everyone that cares about me, everyone that cares about Brandy.
As soon as I post that, their lives changed. And that's really hard. That that way a lot on me,
but I wanted everybody to know because I knew that they cared about us and I wanted people to know
about it. But and I am a writer. So I should even even in the worst moments. Being at the keyboard is
peace second home. A kind of and and just kind of being able to write it out kind of helped me
process it myself. And sometimes I still go back and read those things and I'm like, you know,
sometimes I had some pretty good pros there. Sometimes I, you know, edited in my mind a little
bit. I said I could have done this a little bit better. But, you know, whatever. I think, you know,
the thing about it to me though that was disheartening not about the caring bridge,
but about the whole process is that there was so many false positives. It's like we kept thinking that
there was going to be this study or that study that she qualified for and then something will happen,
and she didn't get in it or she'd run a fever or she just, you know, whatever. We just we just kept
thinking all the way to the end that something different was going to happen that was going to
save her. And for my part, you know, when you are praying every day that, you know, do Lord,
if you need one of those, take me or I'm telling my husband, you know, listen, I'd spend time with
you up there, but leave her toward, you know, sort of a negotiation with, with whoever, and see
you figure out that even if it's God up there, your arms are too short to box them because it's not
working out and I had to make up in my mind. It's going to be brandy and not me, you know, and I
would tell her all the time, I wish I wish we could trade places and she'd say, Mom, no. But yeah,
because as David said, you know, she had so much in front of her and I had so good old in front of me.
I mean, I think it was a little different for me and brandy, you know, brandy was a realist.
To the core of her. And so she immediately grasped, you know, what, what
and did not, you know, it's not that she didn't have hope, but like we, we as immediately on
New Year's Day, we knew that we were going to get years, decades less than we were going to have.
And so, and it was, it was effectively the end of the life that we had built.
The love story, the future of the story. No, the love story didn't end.
No, yeah. But it was the end of the life that we built. Like because everything, everything,
everything was going to change. Everything that we were building for was gone.
And we were and we were trying to, because I love her, I love her.
Yes. So I died. The love story is never gone. But, but the life was, was done. Like all the
stuff that we wanted to do, we weren't going to go, we weren't going to go to the place.
Yeah, I should ask you though, because she brandy never cried. And I didn't understand that with me.
Did she cry? Yeah, she cried. She did cry. I'm glad to know.
Yes, you had her. Yeah, well, that, that'll be one, that'll be one thing that'll just stay with me.
Okay. You got to go. And like, and like, no, she seems so strong.
She was extremely strong. She was extremely strong.
And she would seem to be, to, to fight her fate. And I was like, you know, aren't you angry or
what? And she's like, what, what, what am I to be angry about?
Yeah, I mean, she, she, she was scared. Like, like, like, like, she didn't know what to,
we were, we were scared. And like,
like, it's, it's very challenging, because like, I just want to say anything I could to make it
better, you know, I do anything to do it, but you can't make it better. And it's just like,
you're just like watching. Like a nightmare unfold, like constantly. And like, you know,
because we like kind of like hid some of the mirrors from her, because she was scared about how,
how she was looking. I mean, obviously, the flip side to that is that I don't get that luxury.
So I have to, I have a front row seat and I have to watch it constantly.
And, and, and, and, and, and, I thought she looked amazing, like, good, most of the time.
She did look at, but she was very scared about how skinny she was.
She did get, she lost a lot of weight. And so, um, and, and, you know,
well, you guys went and got her all new clothes. I know we, she, she was beautiful up until the end.
And, and, and, and it's just,
yeah, I mean, like, it was, like, we, we guys went together to get your pedicure.
We did get pedicures together. I enjoyed that. Uh, I don't know how much the pedicure person
enjoyed working on my feet. Uh, but we had a, we had a good time. Um, but I mean, like, we, we had,
we had the conversations that we needed to have, like, like, like, we knew what was happening.
And, like, like, we, we were able to, you know, talk, talk, um, talk through everything.
And, like, she would, you know, tell me how, how I, what she wanted for me going forward.
That's what I was going to ask. Did she give you instructions? I mean, I, I don't know if they
were instructions as much as they were, like, orders. Okay. Um, and I, that, that had to be obeyed.
Yes. Yes. Like, like, like, her biggest fear was that I was going to be just a lot.
Yes. And, and, and like, and like, she, she would adamant that I couldn't just be alone forever.
So she, and, and she wanted me, she was like, adamant that I have to be happy again.
And, um, and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. I was like, not in the long and like, not seeing
this happening. But like, you know, like, I, I, I didn't think about this a lot because I've
been feeling somewhat better. It's like three months removed. And, and, and like, like, I was
thinking, why do I do I feel better? And like, um, because it's not like, but, and then I realized
that it's like, I don't have any like inward facing demons about this. Like, like, I, I, I know
that I did everything that I could. I know that I, I know that I had an incredibly successful relationship.
I know that, you know, for 15 years for an incredible woman, I was good enough. And like that,
like, I know that I have it in me to do that, you know, and, and I think that,
and I think like, um, yeah, I think that's just a, um, kind of, you know, uh, that gives me the
confidence going forward to know that like, yeah, I can be happy again. Because I did it once before.
And I, and I can do it again. And not only, and like, the moments where I feel better, like,
it's like doubly feeling better because Brandy wanted me to feel better. So like, I'm doing stuff
that I enjoy, but then I also know Brandy would be happy that I am enjoying those things.
Absolutely. Absolutely. Are there, um, do you have anything that you'd like to say to other people
going through situations somewhat like this? Um, I mean, like in terms of like, like that they've
already lost somebody. Or in the, particularly not so much the loss, but just in the midst of it.
Yeah, how did you survive every day and get up and put one foot in front of the other?
I mean, I would like to answer both of those. Okay. But, um, but like, uh, I think, uh, in terms of in the
moment, like, I think like, I don't know, you're just saying, I kind of go into some kind of like
superhuman state. I can't, I can't explain it. It just is like, this is something that needs to be
done. So it will be done. I mean, and I remember I'm working full time. Yes. And I'm, and I'm
caregiving full time. And she's trying to work and I'm helping her. And you know, I'm managing
as much as I can do. And, and like, I, I, I, I, I just kind of like, you know, I, I have these alarms
and they're, they're all like, they still have like a dozen, two dozen alarms in my phone. They're
all for helping brandy. So whenever that alarm gets up, I'm up going to help bring. And it just is like,
it just came so second nature to me. Like, so I mean, my advice going in there is just kind of like,
you know, yeah, you're going to have to put yourself aside for a second because you're going to
be working on something a little bit bigger than yourself, but you're doing, it's not just for her.
It's, it's, or then, right, whatever the other, it's for the, it's for the partnership,
like that you built together, which is bigger than both of you individually. It's, it's you
combine. So like, if you, if you, if you believe in and work in something, service to something
bigger than yourself like that, it can be really empowering to be like, you know, like, this is,
this is what love is, this is what life is. And so like, I'm, I'm, I'm feeling something
that is objectively terrible. And, and like, everyone knows it. And, and then I can just do,
but I mean, like, but like, I'm okay because like, I get up every day and like, I'll get up every day,
I get up tomorrow and I'll do it again. So that's like in the moment afterwards. I guess the
biggest advice is like, there's not really any like moving past this. Like, it's, it's always
going to be with you. Brandy will always be a part of me. The, the, the memories I have with
Brandy don't make me sad. They make me happy because that was just an incredible time in my life.
It was a, it was a chapter in my life that had to close and, but it's always going to be part of the,
one of the best chapters. Yeah. But, but you have to go, but you also, but I have to know like,
why you're not moving past it, which you do move past is the worst parts of it. Yes. And so like,
it's not going to always be me like sobbing on the floor, clutching or sweater. It's not going to
always be, you know, hearing her favorite song and like, losing my mind. I might, I bet that
actually might, it might be that, but they get to remember that you're not defined by the worst
moments and your life is not defined like that. So, so like, while you're, while you're, and you have
to give yourself a grace though to like have those moments and be like, you know, this is part of
being in life, you should not be ashamed to be on the floor sobbing, but like, just know that
you're going to get up at one point. Absolutely. And like, if you go back on the floor sobbing,
again, that's okay. Just get up again. It's been seven and a half years for me, David. And there are
those times I'm still on the floor sobbing. And it just never know what the trigger could be,
could be a beautiful sunny day. But there is a trigger. And it's okay. Because to me, that's just
another demonstration of the love that you have for that person. And you know, it's okay. And
that thing that's very important for our listeners to understand that those moments are part of it.
And it's just part of the love story. Yeah. Well, you don't get those moments without the love.
Yes. And I have to say how grateful I am to you for you loving her. And I know that she loved
you because nobody defined her dad like she did at the beginning of this relationship. But at the
end of it or before the end of it, but at his end, he came to understand why she loved you. And he
came to love you as much maybe a little bit more. You know, it's a it's a bro love, right? It's a
bro love. And I love you too, David. Thank you for sharing your story with us today. Yeah,
I love you too, Eddie. It's been great being part of this family. And as Chris Christofferson says,
loving her was easier than anything I'll ever do again. Thank you. Thank you, David. And with
that, we'll say until next time, when we put your dancing shoes on. And hopefully this broadcast
is giving you the opportunity to realize that YouTube can dance again.
So both they share the stories yet untold.
To dancing with us in the dance of life and brings finding rhythm after 70 and time in space.
With every step a new story unfolds in the journey. The beauty of aging is told.
To dancing with us in the dance of life and brings finding rhythm after all.
With every step a new story unfolds in the journey. The beauty of life is told.
It's true.