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Welcome to Flip the Script with Vic, your weekly pep talk to expand and shift your perspective. I’m your host, Victoria Nielsen. Together, we’ll unwind all the things you thought you knew, and awaken to what’s truly possible when you flip the script on your reality and take control of your own life.
Speaker A [00:00:00]:
Hi, loves. Welcome to another episode of flip the script with Vic. I'm your host, Victoria Nielsen. Today's episode is a somber one. I did not expect to be sharing about this this week, but it's what's on my heart. And I recorded an episode last night, actually, after I learned the news yesterday, but after having slept on it. And, yeah, it feels better to kind of rerecord and re release this episode with a little bit more perspective and clarity, perhaps. And I just want to share a trigger warning that this episode, if you can't already tell by the title, is about infant and pregnancy loss.
Speaker A [00:00:41]:
And I'll be sharing what's occurring right now as it's happening, but also a little bit more about my previous miscarriage in 2018. So I am currently experiencing a miscarriage. I found out in January that we were pregnant with our third beautiful baby. And if you've been following me, you know the journey of my spirit babies and how connected I am to the soul of this little girl that I have been with in many lifetimes. And in December of last year, my husband and I were kind of like, okay, let's get started. We were trying, but not really trying in the sense that I knew when my ovulation windows were, and we were like, okay, just let it happen when it happens. And then it happened very quickly, and it surprised me, and we were super excited, of course. But now that I'm sitting with this, everything happens for a reason.
Speaker A [00:01:49]:
And of course, I'm upset. I've been crying on and off since I found out the news yesterday. But I think it's even more important to share some of the misconceptions around miscarriage, because both of my miscarriages now have been not anomalies by any means, but are not what I would have thought. The typical miscarriage experience was based on what you see in movies and television. Right? So both of my miscarriages were silent miscarriages in the sense that there was no bleeding, there was no distress of any kind. Things just stopped evolving because our bodies are so intelligent and they know when something is wrong, whether the chromosomes aren't coming together correctly, or just something is happening in the biological process that maybe shouldn't be happening. And so our bodies stop it from completing, which is a really beautiful thing, if you think about it, because it's just so wise to know that, okay, something's going on, and we're going to stop this process from happening so that this child isn't born with defects or deformities or anything. That could potentially hinder them in this lifetime.
Speaker A [00:03:00]:
Right? And maybe even be something that was going to affect me. And so I feel like I do have a sense of peace and a sense of calmness because of how connected I am to this little spirit. I had a dream, actually, before I went in for the ultrasound yesterday that was, like, so vivid that I literally felt her little hand touch my body, and it woke me up from a deep sleep. And so I know that she's here, I know that she's going to come, and that gives me a deep sense of peace. And this miscarriage feels different for a couple of reasons. So the first miscarriage in 2018, there just was no heartbeat. We went in for an ultrasound, and there was no heartbeat. And again, I feel like that's not what I thought a miscarriage was.
Speaker A [00:03:50]:
And going in, I didn't even think about the probability of miscarriage. As a new mom, one in four women will experience miscarriage in their lifetime, and it's actually super common, and it has nothing to do with you and your body or the things that you did or didn't do. And I really believe that this time around, the first time I experienced it, I definitely felt a lot of shame and guilt and felt like my body had betrayed me and like I had done something wrong. And that's simply not true. And this time around, I don't feel that. I actually feel really grateful for my body, for protecting me and doing what it does. And I'm in awe of how easily we were able to get pregnant, even if it wasn't a viable pregnancy. And maybe the difference to me is that in this miscarriage, it's called a blighted ovum, where the egg was fertilized by the sperm.
Speaker A [00:04:49]:
It did its thing, it implanted in the uterine wall, but then nothing happened. So there are no fetal cells detected that they can see. I'm going to go back for another ultrasound next week just to triple check, but it's highly unlikely that anything will change because I had two different ultrasounds, and there was really no change between the two. I just want to, for my peace of mind, really make sure, before we move through with what has to happen next. And I didn't know that this was a thing. And apparently 50% of miscarriages are blighted ovums, where the fetal cells just don't develop. And I don't think that's talked about at all. I mean, it's literally not talked about at all.
Speaker A [00:05:36]:
I didn't even know it was a thing. And I'd had a miscarriage before. And so, again, it has nothing to do with you or your body. And I really believe we're not meant to know everything, and we really want to. Right when this happened, I started planning everything around it. It was like, okay, the baby will be born in October. I had gotten signs from the akashic records that that was, like, the timing, and it was scary a little bit, because I was like, oh, shit, I can barely handle two kids and I really want this third. But now I'm faced with this actual reality of our life changing and of us having to rearrange things.
Speaker A [00:06:22]:
And again, not that I'm not grateful, but now that I'm sitting here with a little bit of perspective, I do find a little bit of relief, which is really surprising to me. And again, I think it's because I know this baby is coming no matter what. Right. But I do find a little bit of that. Like, okay, I have a little bit more time to figure out the finances that I was worried about, to figure out work situation, and also to let my boys have a little bit more time. Like, Rocky is just starting to enter the terrible toddlerhood. He'll be two in June, and he's been a great baby, but now all of a sudden, it's like he's really asserting his independence and having, like, full blown tantrums. And he isn't sleeping well because he's teething.
Speaker A [00:07:16]:
And so the lack of sleep already is getting to me. And so you throw a newborn into the mix, and I really don't know how we were going to do it or are going to do it when the time, you know, Sebastian is Sebastian and I love him, but he has a lot of big things. I truly believe things are always working for our highest good. And so I have to believe that's what's happening in this case, that the timing is just off for some reason. And again, we're not supposed to know everything we want to know, but we can't. And even with tools like the Akashic records, which if you don't know what the Akashic records are, they're a tool of healing and empowerment that I used to really help me move through my last miscarriage, and I'm using them again to move through this one. But they're just an energetic frequency that anyone can access to ask guidance and questions of the ascended masters and teachers and any of your loved ones that want to come through. And their guidance is not absolute, it is not faded, it is not exactly what's going to happen.
Speaker A [00:08:25]:
It is the guidance that you need to hear in the moment, and it is what's true in the moment. So when I heard that the baby was coming in October, that was true in the moment, but now that's changed. And it doesn't mean that what was shared previously is false. It just means that reality has shifted. And so the records have adjusted according to that, because we have free will, right? And I like to think of all of the threads of fate that get snipped and grow based on our decisions. I read a lot of young adult, kind of not Sci-Fi but like fantasy books with fairies and vampires and all kinds of shit like that. And actually, the book I'm reading right now, it talks about the threads of fate and how they go in infinite directions, and they change and shift based on the free will of the person. And every decision that you make creates a new thread or potentially cuts off another thread.
Speaker A [00:09:25]:
And it's really beautiful that we as humans have that capability to choose for ourselves and to make decisions. But we'll never know 100% what's going to happen based on those decisions. And that's part of what it means to be human, and that's part of what it means to get to experience these spectrum of emotions, is that nothing is forever and nothing is going to stay the same or exactly as it is. And so I think I'm better able to flow with this because of all of my spiritual practices and of how connected I am to myself, to my higher self, to my guides and my angels. I don't feel abandoned. I don't feel like I'm angry at God, or source or universe or any of that. I feel like there was something in me that maybe wasn't 100% ready. And not that that is what caused this miscarriage by any means, but that there is a silver lining, and that there's a blessing in this that I get to now ground even more into myself and into my practices, and really make space and make myself ready.
Speaker A [00:10:34]:
I've been so tired that I haven't been the most present mom to the current children that I actually have. I have just been floating through life the last couple of weeks, like, trying to survive. And if there's a chance that I can do that differently this next time around, I really want to take that. I think these things are, of course, wake up calls, right? But there's some unfinished business here, perhaps from the first miscarriage, something I didn't learn, that needs to be learned now with this one maybe it's completely different. And I have new lessons that need to be learned. But there are always opportunities and lessons that can be shown to you through situations like this. And it doesn't mean that I'm not sad. Like, I've been crying on and off since yesterday.
Speaker A [00:11:25]:
I'm sure I will continue to cry on and off, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with anything that I'm feeling or any of the emotions that I'm having or the fact that I don't want to do anything these next couple of days. And I'm going to give myself as much space as I can to do that, because I deserve that, because I didn't do anything wrong. And so if you're listening and you have experienced a miscarriage, I really hope that you hear this message that you didn't do anything wrong and that whatever emotions you're experiencing are 100% valid. And if you are not fully healed from your previous miscarriage, that's okay. It is something that stays with you and changes you. And I fully believe that many of those babies come back to us. Rocky, for example, I know, is the baby that first came through in my 2018 miscarriage, and he came back.
Speaker A [00:12:27]:
And we have to be willing to flow with how things are going because we're not in control, and we were never in control. And sometimes I think we get a false sense of control because we're super connected to our higher selves and spiritual guidance, and we're like, okay, yeah, this is it. No. Even when you're getting spiritual guidance about non pregnancy related things, it's always up for your interpretation, and it's always up to your free will, and it's always up to all of the things that are ever evolving around you. And so even in those situations, you can never be 100% sure of something or of a message. Right? Because we don't really know what they're trying to say to us. I don't know what that little baby in the dream was trying to say. If she was trying to say that she's here and she's coming or that.
Speaker A [00:13:23]:
Hold on another week, because actually these fetal cells are going to grow even though the timing is off. I don't know. I just have to have faith and trust, and I do. I've cultivated that faith and that trust in myself and in the universe over and over and over again since 2018. And that is what I'm going to lean on during this. So, yeah, I wanted to rerecord this episode to be a bit more empowered. I think last night. I know last night when I was recording this, I was feeling a bit empty.
Speaker A [00:13:56]:
And I definitely know that everything is going to be okay. And I believe that wholeheartedly. But I really just wanted to shed light on this experience and the fact that there's so much of it that's not talked about. And it is super normal and super common to have miscarriages. And for me, in this instance, I do believe that maybe I'm feeling a little bit better about it all because there was never actually a baby. It's very different when you can see or hear the heartbeat and then get told that it's no longer there. So I don't even want to think of this as a miscarriage, even though it is technically. But it doesn't feel like her soul ever inhabited my womb just yet.
Speaker A [00:14:52]:
That she's still here, but she just hasn't planted herself in that place. And so I would like to think that's probably why I feel a little bit differently about this and why I'm sad, but not as all consuming as I was with the first miscarriage. And again, it doesn't mean that tomorrow I won't completely 180 on that and feel very differently. But in this moment, what is true for me is that everything is going to be okay. And that there is a blessing and a silver lining in this. And I have gratitude for my body for knowing that something wasn't 100% right. And so things shouldn't have moved forward. And I'm grateful for the two beautiful little boys that I already have, that this, to me, is a sign of I've got to continue to work on them and giving to them, because it felt not unfair that I was already pregnant again, but it was a lot.
Speaker A [00:16:01]:
And I am excited to be pregnant again at some point. But I'm not rushing it. I think it's going to happen when it's meant to. And I would like to feel a little bit more prepared and like I'm being a good mom to the two children that I already have. Because I feel like I had a short temper these last couple of weeks. I feel like I had no energy, and I feel like I could have done a better job of supporting myself so that I could be there for them in equal measure. Because just because you bring another child into the world, you have to continue to give wholeheartedly to the ones that you already have. And I wasn't raised with siblings.
Speaker A [00:16:42]:
I have two half siblings that are like, 20 years younger than me. So I honestly don't know what it's like to have a parent who has to split their time between siblings. And so I am learning that just as much as they are. We're all learning at the same time, because I have never been a mother to two before, and I have never been a mother to three before when that happens. And so you've got to give yourself grace in these moments as well, because no one knows what the fuck they're doing, and we're all learning together. So, yeah, that's where I'm at. If you've experienced miscarriage, I hope you'll check out the book that I wrote last year that talks a little bit more about my 2018 miscarriage. But it also includes all of the poems and practices that helped me move through that grief.
Speaker A [00:17:32]:
I wrote every single day, whatever was on my heart. And then I used things like the Akashic records and breath work and journaling and movement to help me move through that time. So you can find that book on Amazon. It's called find your way home. Moving through miscarriage poems and practices to reclaim your light after loss. I want you to know that I'm here for you. If you've experienced this as well, you're not alone. And whatever you are feeling again is valid and, okay.
Speaker A [00:18:04]:
There's no right or wrong way to do this. And it's okay if you feel relief, if you feel sadness, if you feel grief, if you feel overwhelmed, if you feel stuck. Any of this is totally normal. And I'm here if you need someone to talk to about it. So, with that, I will sign off. I love you guys so much. Thanks for being on this journey with me. I'll see you next week.
Speaker A [00:18:29]:
Be good to one another.