Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Mentoring relationships are complicated enough as it is. Being easily offended only adds more complication to that relationship. In this week's episode, Stephen and Zach tackle the topic of taking offense, why it's dangerous in a mentoring relationship, and some practical ways you can work towards practicing thankfulness rather than pessimism in your mentoring relationship.
Show Notes
Mentoring relationships are complicated enough as it is. Being easily offended only adds more complication to that relationship. In this week's episode, Stephen and Zach tackle the topic of taking offense, why it's dangerous in a mentoring relationship, and some practical ways you can work towards practicing thankfulness rather than pessimism in your mentoring relationship.
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
youcanmentor.com
Purchase the You Can Mentor book:
You Can Mentor: How to Impact Your Community, Fulfill the Great Commission, and Break Generational Curses
youcanmentor.com
Creators and Guests
What is You Can Mentor: A Christian Youth Mentoring Podcast?
You Can Mentor is a network that equips and encourages mentors and mentoring leaders through resources and relationships to love God, love others, and make disciples in their own community. We want to see Christian mentors thrive.
We want to hear from you! Send any mentoring questions to hello@youcanmentor.com, and we'll answer them on our podcast. We want to help you become the best possible mentor you can be. Also, if you are a mentoring organization, church, or non-profit, connect with us to join our mentoring network or to be spotlighted on our show.
Please find out more at www.youcanmentor.com or find us on social media. You will find more resources on our website to help equip and encourage mentors. We have downloadable resources, cohort opportunities, and an opportunity to build relationships with other Christian mentoring leaders.
You can mentor is a podcast about the power of building relationships with kids from hard places in the name of Jesus. Every episode will help you overcome common mentoring obstacles and give you the confidence you need to invest in the lives of others. You can mentor.
Speaker 2:Hey. If you didn't know, I, Zach Garza, have teamed up with the Mentoring Alliance. It's our vision to mobilize godly people into the lives of kids and family to do 2 things, provide tangible help and eternal hope. Currently, we are in East Texas and Central Texas, but we want to grow. We have full time jobs available.
Speaker 2:So if you're looking for a job in the mentoring field, please reach out to us. We also have part time staff jobs available. If you're a college student or know of any college students who are looking for summertime jobs, we're doing these summer camps down in East Texas. They're amazing. Come on down to Tyler, spend a summer with us, help kids, get to know our organization, find some friends.
Speaker 2:It's a great thing. So full time jobs for anyone, part time jobs, specifically kind of for college students. But go to our website, thementoringalliance.com. Go to the upper right hand corner, click that working with you tab, and all the information that you need is there. Feel free to reach out to me or go to our website, social media, all that good stuff to learn more about the Mentoring Alliance.
Speaker 2:Thank you very much. You can mentor. Mentors and mentoring leaders, Zach Arce here with the You Can Mentor podcast. I got 3 things that I would like to ask of you today. Number 1, if you are a mentoring organization and you would like like to be on our podcast or learn more about the best practices of mentoring, please reach out to us, www.youcanmentor.com.
Speaker 2:You can send us an email, zach, zach, at you canmentor.com, or stephen, it's with a p h, at you canmentor dot com. Can also find us on social media, give us that DM, and we'll get back to you. We just wanna get to know you and we wanna learn more about what you're doing in your communities to advance mentoring. And we believe that interaction leads to innovation. So let's work together and advance the kingdom through mentoring.
Speaker 2:Number 2, if you know of someone who would benefit from the You Can Mentor podcast, please share our podcast, share our information with them. That would be super helpful. And then lastly, if you could rate our podcast on Apple Podcasts, give us that 5 star. It will help spread the word about mentoring. And, you can mentor podcast.
Speaker 2:Because we really do want every mentoring org in America who is trying to make disciples through mentoring to know about us. We wanna get to know about them so we can learn from them and work together to help kids reach their full potential. So that's what I got. Please do those things. Reach out to us.
Speaker 2:Share and rate. Appreciate you. You can mentor.
Speaker 3:Welcome back to the You Can Mentor podcast. My name is Stephen Murray. I'm sitting here with the one, the only, actually there's 2 of them because he named his son after him. Zachary Garza. How the heck are you?
Speaker 2:Well, I, I, I think I'm doing good. I'm a little bit thrown off by that intro because I was getting real pumped up about me being the one and only, but then you made a great point. Now I'm like, Kinda dejected, maybe. You know? Maybe a little sad.
Speaker 3:Be proud.
Speaker 2:But You
Speaker 3:should be proud. You went for it. You put your name on that.
Speaker 2:Yes. Yes. I did. Is this how we is this how we really wanna start our podcast?
Speaker 3:I don't I don't know. Are you getting offended?
Speaker 2:What a great lead in. Okay. Well, ladies and gentlemen, mentors and mentoring organizations of all ages, but, hopefully, you're old enough to understand what it is that we're about to say. We're gonna talk today about taking offense on the You Can Mentor podcast and why that is just straight up not a good idea. So, Steven, why are we talking about this?
Speaker 3:And this this isn't, like, sports offense. It's offense. It's it's like someone upsets you. They do something that go to you the wrong way. Is that is that a right?
Speaker 3:Is that a good word?
Speaker 2:I it's something that
Speaker 3:Probably shouldn't use a more complicated word to describe another word.
Speaker 2:That makes you upset. Something that makes you angry.
Speaker 3:Well, not only upset, but it, like, it stays with you. Like, you're continually upset. Like, I I feel like anytime you're offended, it's like you don't transition from it unless, I mean, we'll we'll probably talk more about it, but I I think it's it stays with you. Offense offense is a powerful thing.
Speaker 2:It's sticky, kinda like peanut butter. Right?
Speaker 3:There you go. That's a good way to describe it.
Speaker 2:Okay. So today, we're talking about taking offense and mentoring, and honestly, why Steven and I kinda believe that this is one of the main tactics that the enemy can use to really get you off track with your mentee. This also applies in things like friendship, friendship and marriage and things like that. But, today, we're focusing in on mentors and mentee relationships because this is the You Can Mentor podcast. So according to my app on my phone, offense is a violation or breaking of a social or moral rule.
Speaker 2:It's transgression. It's sin. The feeling of resentful displeasure caused. Oh, that's a that's a knockout punch right there. But Steven and I were we actually took this last week and spent it in Nashville, Tennessee, going to a little men's conference that talked about just how to how to how to be a man of God and how to make make disciples and things like that.
Speaker 2:And I feel like this is a topic that Steven and I both were just like, oh, like, yes. Like, this is this is a big deal. And so we decided that we would share that with y'all today on the pod. So so I think I I think I just kinda wanna start out by by confessing, honestly, just my own history of being offended when spending time with my mentee. And just how I I don't know if I've met a mentor who has not had frustration or anger or offense towards their mentee for one, you know, for one reason or another.
Speaker 2:And so, Steven, just, like, tell me about your take on this. Has being offended or being heard, being frustrated ever happened to you before?
Speaker 3:I feel like I've always taken pride in being able to take hits, but there there was a season I don't I I think I may have shared this with you, but I I was literally praying, lord, I want to be unoffendable, and I wanna be difficult to difficult to discourage and unoffendable. And so I was praying that because I had just listened to a Greg Laurie podcast where he said that the measure of a man is how easily he'll become discouraged. And, I mean, obviously, getting offended will just naturally discourage you and bring you down. The day after I started praying that, I had a guy who I was pouring my life into. He he brought 3 guys into my house who ended up stealing a a security box from me that had about $1500 in it, and it had a old driver's license of mine.
Speaker 3:They rented a U Haul truck under my name and wrecked it. And so the next week in Denton, Texas, there was a warrant out for my arrest for stealing a U Haul truck and wrecking it. And I was like, this is the week after I started praying, Lord, may I be a man not easily discouraged and unoffendable? And I think the Lord was like, okay, we're going to see. It was like my job experience.
Speaker 3:I was like, Lord, except I asked for it. Like, Job didn't ask for any of that stuff. And that I mean, super offended. Definitely, like, destroyed my relationship with that guy. And but I I I just that story just kinda stands out to me.
Speaker 3:I was like, the Lord wants to test us to see, okay. Like, can you be a man not easily discouraged and undefendable? And I definitely failed that test again and again and again.
Speaker 2:I've never heard that story. That is that's gold in a terrible way. I'm sorry, buddy.
Speaker 3:It's all good.
Speaker 2:Well, I know for me, just as a mentor I mean, I'm just gonna be super honest with all of you people who are tuning into our podcast, all 7 of y'all. It's not gonna we're gonna meet y'all anyways. But I you know, in my flesh, I really wanna be a good mentor. And, yes, why I mentor kids, why I make disciples is, you know, 90 97% godly. Okay, lord.
Speaker 2:You've called us to this. I wanna do this. But there's still this, like, 3% where I'm just like, yeah. But they're really lucky to have me as a mentor, and I'm gonna change this kid's life. And, man, just wait till I get ahold of him.
Speaker 2:And if you've ever spent time working with, youth, you know that sometimes the things that you want to happen don't necessarily happen. And so and just with people, period, it's it's hard to change people. It's hard to fix people. In fact, I would say it's almost impossible. And so, I would say it is impossible.
Speaker 2:But these are times whenever I've been offended, is whenever I spend time with a mentee, I invest time, I invest energy, I invest myself into them, and they make me look bad. So I just wanna confess that that whether it's I take them someplace and I ask them to introduce themselves or ask them, you know, to to not not share what's going on in their life or just anything like that. Whenever I ask them to do something and they kinda do the opposite, that makes me look bad, and that makes me feel offended whenever they don't succeed. So I'm like, okay. Here's how you make good grades.
Speaker 2:Here's how you get a job. Here's how you do this, this, this. And they kinda don't take your advice, or they do the opposite. You know, that makes me feel offended. Oh my gosh.
Speaker 2:I I spent all this time creating this step 1, step 2, step 3 for you, and you just didn't even look at it, or you didn't even take my advice, or I told you what to do to have success and you just did the opposite. I don't understand why you would do that whenever they miss an appointment with me. So, hey, I'm gonna I'm gonna be at your house at 9 AM. We're gonna go grab breakfast. And I show up, and he's not there.
Speaker 2:And I'm just like, hey, like, didn't we didn't we say that we were gonna do this? Like, do you not know how important I am that I have a calendar filled with a couple things to do each day? Like, just so much offense can take place because I don't feel respected. I don't feel like they honored my time. And so just like those are pretty much the bottom line in regards to me being offended, it comes down to this.
Speaker 2:What I'm saying is, you need to be perfect, and you need to do exactly what I say, or else I won't love you, Or else I won't be there for you, or else I'm gonna get angry with you because you're not perfect. And that kinda sounds to me like the opposite of unconditional love. That sounds to me like like I like my reputation and my identity is based on how someone else performs. Hey, if you perform well, if you do what I say, then I'll be happy. If you don't do what I say, then I'll be mad.
Speaker 2:And I think in a mentor mentee relationship, if that is how you're approaching it, you're just gonna kinda be setting yourself up for for up for hard up for failure. So what do you think about that, Murdock?
Speaker 3:Yeah. I mean, it it reminds me of the podcast we did. It was like all frustration comes from unmet expectations. And and so if you if you come in with the expectation that, okay, because I'm here, because I'm an awesome mentor, you will be awesome. You will be successful.
Speaker 3:You will show up and everything I teach you, you will abide by. It's like, no, but nobody's done that ever before in the history of the earth, except for Jesus. And so, he he's the only one that did exactly what his father said. He's the only one that lived a sinful life. He's the only one that showed up every time.
Speaker 3:He's the only one that obeyed. And that expectation that we put over our mentees not only sets us up for failure, but it sets them up to be crushed by our expectations.
Speaker 2:Yep. And so I I kinda wanna take a step back and just kinda ask the question, why why are we so easily offended? Like, I wanna figure out what the root cause is of that. And so we can kinda go go down deep and figure out how to fix this thing. So I think for me, as I was thinking about this topic, I think it comes down to fear.
Speaker 2:I think my heart and spending time with a mentee is good. I wanna see this child succeed. I wanna see them know Jesus Christ. I wanna, see them reach their full potential. And I'm so fearful that that's not gonna happen.
Speaker 2:I'm so fearful of what happens if that doesn't happen. Oh, if they don't make good grades, and then they're gonna end up not having a job, and they're gonna end up in poverty, then they might end up And and you can just chase that a long time. And so why why am I so easily offended? And the weird thing is my heart is good. It just comes out in this nasty way.
Speaker 2:It just comes out fear based of really just expecting a ton. And then when the first sign of that not happening happens, then I freak out. And so kinda my my timeline on this is kinda I guess timeline's not the right word, but this is my thought process. My mentee does something that I don't like, and I get offended. Okay?
Speaker 2:So they don't show up, and so I get offended. And I'm like, how how dare they not show up? They they're wasting my time. And that leads to bitterness. Like, I I do so much for them, and they can't even show me, you know, the gratitude that I deserve by showing up.
Speaker 2:And in a weird way, that's kind of a sign of me feeling entitled. Like, I deserve for this mentee to do what I say. I deserve for them to show up. I deserve for them to respect me. This might lead to unforgiveness.
Speaker 2:Right? If this happens over and over and over, which it's going to happen over and over and over in a relationship with anyone, but especially a kid who is a teenager who has experienced hardships in their life, who might not even know what it means to show respect or to be on time or things like that, then this might lead to unforgiveness.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And, Steven, you talked about this earlier, but I just don't know if there's anything worse than living a life of unforgiveness. Because whenever unforgiveness comes, soon after, there's division and there's and there is a break in relationship. The Bible talks a lot about unforgiveness, which we will talk about soon. But what do you think about all
Speaker 3:that? Yeah. I mean, I I think that the threshold of, like, what you can put up with is always interesting. Like everyone, everyone can forgive their mentee when they don't show up the first time. It's like, oh, okay.
Speaker 3:Like you're a kid. Like, I'm not gonna make a big deal about this. The second time it happens. You're like, oh, okay. Now I need to come up with like some teaching or we're going to come up with a lesson about how to address this issue.
Speaker 3:The third time it happens. You're like, I don't want to do this anymore. And, and it's like, it's so quick to just, like, jumping off the cliff being like, I am done with this. Like and, I I think that's just so interesting in in us. We all have that place where we get to where it's like, if you go past here, there's no coming back.
Speaker 3:Like, you've you've changed in my mind. You've lost my respect because you didn't give it to me. And and I think that also highlights that we have a tendency to bring needs our own needs into a mentoring relationship when really like a youth mentor should be coming in understanding their job is to meet their mentees needs, not have their own needs met. I mean, we all love hearing a kid say thank you for pouring into your life. We all, we all need those kind of encouragements that usually won't come from the child, which is why, I mean, we just encourage people to join a mentoring organization where you have someone supporting you and really objectively telling you that you're doing a good job, that you are showing up, that you are building them up, that but when when you reach that threshold of no return, it's like we kind of act like God.
Speaker 3:It's like the unforgivable sin. It's like you've cursed the holy spirit or or whatever. And it's like, the kid just didn't show up 3 times. Like, it's it's it's not that big of a deal, but we've made it into a big deal because we we we told them a lesson about it, and we already forgave them once. Like, you expect me to just keep forgiving you for the same thing?
Speaker 2:Well, Anne, there's a couple of things there. 1, very rarely do we communicate that line. You know? Because for you, it might be if they don't show up 3 times. For me, it might be 5 times.
Speaker 2:But we don't know that, first off, and then we don't communicate that, and because it's just not something that we think of. But I think something else that you said, Stephen, is just I think that one of the main things here is the Lord forgives us all day every day, and that is the posture that we should take with our mentee. And so often, it's not about showing up on time. It's about we feel disrespected. We feel like they don't, care about us, or like they're not thankful for us.
Speaker 2:And so the need behind the deed is so often something that is a big deal. Like, not showing up, it's not that big a deal. But feeling disrespected, that's a that's a huge deal. So I'm gonna read what the Bible says about offense, and so just to kinda give us some more, meat on the bone. But Proverbs 1911 says, a good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook in offense.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Proverbs 18/19 says, a man offended is more unyielding than a strong city. And then what about bitterness? Well, talk talk about what you've been what you've been chewing on in regards to to bitterness.
Speaker 3:Well, I was gonna say yeah. I was gonna say an image in my head popped up of, like, Jesus sitting at, I don't know, corner bakery waiting for his mentee to show up. Like, and what is what is his disposition? Like, does he look at his watch, and he's, like, just, you know, like 10 minutes, 15 minutes late? And that scripture where he's like, I stand at the door and knock.
Speaker 3:If anyone would let me in, I would come in and dine with them. And it's like, do we have this image of Jesus as he's knocking, like, becoming more and more impatient? And he's like, let me in and getting angry, or is he just kindly, patiently waiting to be invited in? And and I like I I think that's the that's the heart of a mentor is like, let us not grow bitter when things don't go the way that we want them to go, and the invitation isn't accepted, and the door isn't opened, and they don't show up. We keep showing up, not with bitterness growing up in our our hearts of, like, well, you know what?
Speaker 3:I've I've shown up. Where have you been? It's like we we wait patiently, and, I mean, anytime someone opens that door for Jesus, there's not a angry, upset disposition on his face. He rejoices that he has the opportunity to come in in time with them. And and and and in a very real way, the the place that we're mentoring here in Dallas is very transitory.
Speaker 3:And so you don't know if a kid's gonna be here for a year or a couple of weeks. And so very in a very real way, any opportunity you have to get with a kid, you should rejoice that you get the opportunity to pour in, not not just get frustrated about the times that it didn't work out, but rejoice over the times that you do get to to pour in and invest. And and I think that'll transition us from this bitterness about what's not and and gratitude for what is gratitude for for the opportunities that we get.
Speaker 2:And Steven, that's that's such a good word. I had lunch with a guy this week, and I've been trying to get lunch with him for a long time. And he's a he's a big deal here in my, city of Waco, and we were supposed to have lunch at 11:30, and he didn't show up till, like, 11:50. And do you know how I responded whenever he showed up? Oh, man.
Speaker 2:Not a big deal at all. Don't worry about it. Totally understand. Totally get it. You're a busy man.
Speaker 2:You know, I'm I'm just happy to get some time with you. And I wasn't the least bit offended. But if a kid showed up 20 minutes late, I would have the exact opposite. How dare you? Don't you know who I am?
Speaker 2:You're wasting my time. I have things to do. I have a family that I I could have been spending this, and I just think that that's so interesting that I mean, I think the Bible is pretty clear about how we should treat everyone the same, and we shouldn't treat someone who, you know, society deems more important nor than a kid. And I think that that's convicting. So I think about the fruit of the Holy Spirit, and I think about the Lord sitting there at that table.
Speaker 2:I don't think he'd be at Corner Bakery because let's be honest, Corner Bakery is not that good, but probably be at well, he would be at Chick Fil A because a large
Speaker 3:He was there to redeem it. He was there to redeem it. They've
Speaker 2:got some cinnamon rolls there.
Speaker 3:He hung out with tax collectors. Come on.
Speaker 2:And then Jesus took his corner booth at Corner Bakery and said, I'll have a Southwest scramble. Alright. So the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. If I can have so much love for this mentee that when he shows up, I have joy, and I'm not in a state of, anger, but instead I have peace because I've patiently been waiting to spend time with this beloved child of God. And I show kindness, and I'm generous with my time and with my energy and with my advice and my wisdom.
Speaker 2:I'm faithful to continue showing up and forgiving time after time after time. And whenever I do have to have conversations, I am gentle. I'm not stern because I'm walking in self control. Yeah. And I'm saying, Lord, guide this conversation.
Speaker 2:Lord, have your way. God, give me eyes to see this child how you see them. And I I think of Ephesians 42, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity. How important is unity in a mentor mentee relationship of the spirit in the bond of peace? If if someone sins against you, forgive them 7 times.
Speaker 2:7 times 70. Right? Like, just over and over and over. I think that that's a big deal. That's a good word, Steve.
Speaker 3:Yeah. Well and and it's like, will a mentee want to show up if they feel like they're a disappointment to you? If if what you communicate verbally and non verbally is that you're disappointed or you're not proud of them or everything they hear is a correction. It's kind of like, you can you can actually encourage the thing that is offending you and continue. That gets a vicious cycle, and I I mean, I think always always choosing to operate in the opposite spirit of of those things of, like, what is the how the world would respond to this is, I'm done with you.
Speaker 3:You've shown me no respect. I'm gonna show you no respect. But an opposite spirit is, I'm gonna wash your feet. I'm gonna buy you lunch, and, like, I want to be with you. And I I just think that Jesus is always gonna be the perfect example of that.
Speaker 3:I had in my head, like, I feel like it was Martin Luther King. He was talking about the Good Samaritan at one point, and and how the Good Samaritan was tenderhearted. Like, he saw his brother in difficulty and went out of his way when no one else would and provided for him, and so he he made this point of, like, the Good Samaritan wasn't just tenderhearted, but he was also I I think the word he uses, like, tough minded, was that he was tough minded enough to have enough economic security to actually provide for this guy who was down in the dumps, attacked by thieves. He was tough minded enough to to do the hard thing and to engage, and he was tenderhearted enough to to bind up his wounds. And, and and and I that just stuck with me.
Speaker 3:It's like, how do we have the mental resolve and the tender heart to mentor? And because I think it does take both of those. And the the mental side, I think, will affect the heart, and the heart will affect your your thoughts as well. And those two things are really important.
Speaker 2:And I think a great story in the bible that that paints this picture super well is the story of the prodigal son. I mean, you've got you've got this kid who took his inheritance and went and messed it all up and made terrible decisions and things like that. And then finally, he comes to his senses, and he comes back, and he's so filled with, you know, remorse. And, I mean, he he didn't do the right thing. He didn't follow advice.
Speaker 2:He did everything that his father told him not to do, and he shows up. And what does his father do? Right? I know if my kid did that, I would be beyond offended. I would be walking in bitterness and unforgiveness and so much anger, you know, while he was gone.
Speaker 2:I'm sure that I would have had a ton of fear. And when he returned, I would have been so critical. How come you did this? How come you did that? Where's my money?
Speaker 2:How come you made this? I don't understand why. But that's not how the father responds. Instead, the father, you know, is waiting for him. He runs out to meet him, and he doesn't even say a word about where he was or what he was doing.
Speaker 2:He's just happy to be with him. He embraces him, and he kisses him, and he gives him everything that he has, and then he celebrates.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And in that story, it's almost like he's saying, like, you are more important than me spending time with you, and you as a human being. I care so much more about that than any of the decisions that you made. Yeah, we can talk about that, and we can, you know, as your father, as your mentor, I can try to teach you some things about what you just experienced, but we can do that later. For today, we're just gonna celebrate you. And I think this spirit of offense, really, it looks a lot like the spirit of being super critical.
Speaker 2:And I know I can be that. I can be pretty critical. Steven, you worked for me for 3 years. I can be really critical in the name of excellence or in the name of, let's make progress, or in the name of, let's achieve a goal, let's get you to college, let's help you reach your full potential, let's help you get a job. I can be pretty critical, and I can focus more on the project or the progress than the person.
Speaker 2:And Wow. Our job is not to fix someone. Our job is to love and guide and shepherd. And then it's our job to have the faith that, yeah, there's some things that need work. Yeah.
Speaker 2:There's some things that this mentee can improve on, but I'm gonna trust that the lord's gonna open up that door in his perfect timing, and I'm gonna have faith that he will do that in the right season. And and please don't hear us say that we are not saying, like, you shouldn't rebuke your mentee. You shouldn't guide them and teach them and have hard conversations. We're definitely not saying that. There's a time for that.
Speaker 2:But if that's all you're doing, and if you're doing that while you're being offended, or while you have unforgiveness, or while you're bitter, it's just probably not gonna go well. And so Yeah. So yeah.
Speaker 3:Yeah. I think I think if if that is your operating system, it is going to lead to you valuing progress and over over the person, and it's like it's a different value system. The father of the prodigal son, he loves the son, not what he's done. He he just loves his son, and if we can figure that out because I think we all personally deal with that. We are made up of the things we've done and not done, the things we have and don't have, the things we like and don't like, but we're so much more than that.
Speaker 3:And in the in the same light, we can reinforce that same struggle in the people that we're pouring into if we don't value the truest thing about them, is that they were made in the image of God, and they're they were made to reflect him. They were made to to love him. They were made, for relationship. And if if we don't show through our words and actions that that is the not just the truest thing about them, but the most important thing we see, we're we're going to lead them to to maybe misidentify themselves in the future and identify more with their accomplishments than actually just who God's made them to be. And that that is an interesting deal, because then you get into how you, as a mentor, how your identity is being reflected in the way that you're approaching your your mentee, and that's that's kind of scary.
Speaker 3:It's, like, if I put forward a vision of I'm, hard hearted, critical, and always want more than you can give, how many people in their life are they going to mentor that are gonna have that same spirit? Mhmm. And that that kind of frightens me a little bit. But, like, Ephesians 432, be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ forgave you. It's like, if if we can get our identity from Jesus, he's forgiven us, therefore, we forgive.
Speaker 3:Like, that that's everything for us. Like
Speaker 2:Well, the verse before that, Ephesians 431, let all bitterness and wrath and anger and and clamor and slander be put away from you along with all malice.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:Hebrews 12, see to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God. Are we as mentors giving grace? That no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it, many become defiled? So I think there's an opportunity here for us as mentors to really take a look at our heart and say, lord Jesus, is there any area in my relationship with my mentee that I have unforgiveness, that I have bitterness, that I am being critical, that I'm expecting more than they can give, that I'm always focused on what they didn't do instead of what they did do? Are my expectations causing so much weight that it's crushing my mentee?
Speaker 2:I think there's an opportunity for us to ask ourselves that on a fairly consistent basis. Because the truth of the matter is if we have unforgiveness, if we have bitterness towards our mentee, it's just not gonna it's just not gonna work. Like, you won't be in relationship with that kid for a for a long time. So it's the same thing in your marriage. It's the same thing with your friendships.
Speaker 2:Yeah. As a believer, one of our main calls is to forgive and to give grace and to be humble. It says yeah. I think it's Matthew I don't know what it is. It's the it's the parable of the unmerciful servant where the master forgives him, but he doesn't forgive those who owe him money.
Speaker 2:And it says that they're gonna turn him over to the tormentor because he has so much, bitterness and so much unforgiveness in his heart. But this has been an issue for me just, you know, in the name of excellence. And, honestly, it is very fear based, you know, because I'm so scared of failing or if things not turning out how I want them to, then I'm critical, and then I take offense when it doesn't happen. This has been a big story for me, probably because of my past, growing up without without a dad around. But there's this book that one of one of my board members gave me one time called Unoffendable.
Speaker 2:I'm like, How come my board member gave me a book called Unoffendable? Well, okay. Thanks, buddy. I get the hint. But it's a great book.
Speaker 2:It's by I think this guy's name's Hanson is his is his last name. But it just it just really puts some things into perspective for me. But it says this towards the end, it says, so let's review. Choosing to be unoffendable means choosing to be humble. Not only that, the practice teaches humility.
Speaker 2:Once you've decided you can't control other people, once you've reconciled yourself to the fact that the world and its people are broken, once you've realized your own moral failure failure before god, once you've abandoned the idea that your significance comes from anything other than god, you're growing in humility, and that's exactly where god wants us all to be. It's contrary to seemingly everything in our culture, but the more we divest ourselves of ourselves, the better our lives get. Jesus told us as much. He said, if we give up our lives for his sake, we'd find real life. When we surrender our perceived rights, when we let go of our attempts to manipulate, we find joy.
Speaker 3:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:And, Lord, just pray that you help me not try to control my mentee, that you help me not walk out in fear. Instead, you give me a heart of celebration, a heart of thanksgiving. You know, it is our job as mentors to just like how Jesus sees us, just like how the father took in the prodigal son. Whenever we see our mentee, whenever we're in their presence, we are thankful. And we are thankful, and we are giving grace, and we're celebrating them, and we're making them feel important, and full of value, and full of worth.
Speaker 2:Why? Because that's what Jesus has done with us. And we can't give what we don't have. So our job as mentors, let's be thankful. Let's enter his gates with thanksgiving and praise.
Speaker 2:Let's focus on the good. Because in his presence is fullness of joy, and the joy of the Lord is our strength.
Speaker 3:Come on.
Speaker 2:I just think that we'll go a 1000 times further if we'll pick up our mentee when they fall down instead of kind of pointing the finger while they're on the ground telling them why they fell. I think we'll go further if we focus on the good instead of the bad. If we trust God with the things that need addressing, dear God, would you give me an opportunity to to speak to the things that are causing my mental harm instead of trying to fix it through my own power. And, man, this is where I need so much help. I feel like I'm so stern, and I'm so serious with my mentee.
Speaker 2:And it it causes me to to not smile and laugh. And, man, I know that does my mentee feel like I'm happy to be with them? You know, that's a great question. That's a great question that I'd ask myself. Does, you know, in this, does my wife, do my friends, do my children?
Speaker 2:But, like, I want when people come into my presence, I want them to feel valued, to feel like I care about them, to feel like they're the most important person in the world. And if you can do that with your mentee, I I I just can't help but but think that they're gonna feel encouraged. To encourage us to open up someone's chest and insert courage, and they're gonna see themselves as full of worth and see themselves as full of value. And then they're gonna go have purpose, and they're gonna go have a strong identity, and they're gonna just get one step closer to becoming all that the Lord has for them. Mhmm.
Speaker 2:So, man, I just kinda went off there. Sorry, Steven.
Speaker 3:Come on.
Speaker 2:But
Speaker 3:It's good. Well and I I I like what you said. You'll go a 1,000 times further being grateful, rather than getting offended. And and that is a choice. Yes.
Speaker 3:Getting offended and being grateful, those are both choices. And so getting offended will get you nowhere. Gratitude will take you far. And, I I mean, I just think that's really powerful. Seriousness is not a fruit of the spirit.
Speaker 3:Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control, Those will get you far. And, I mean, that that is really powerful. So it's your choice, mentor. Will will you choose to get offended or you choose to be grateful?
Speaker 2:And here's how I'll end. We can't fix people. We can't change people. We can guide. We can shepherd.
Speaker 2:We can love. We can do all of those things. But I'll tell you what we can do and what I need to do more of what I want to do more of is pray. You know, I might not be able to change the fact that my mentee doesn't take school seriously or that he tries to find tries to get his needs met through girls or through drugs or or sports, but I can pray for the lord to change his heart. I can pray for the Lord to encounter him in a new way.
Speaker 2:I can pray for the Lord to change the desires of his heart. And prayer works. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. And, man, I wish I spent as much time praying as I did trying to fix people. And so that that's it.
Speaker 2:Steven, I think what you said is great. Choose Thanksgiving. Choose celebration. Choose gentleness and joy and trust that the Lord's gonna deal with all the other stuff, and he's gonna open up doors in his timing for you to address that in a kind way when your heart is soft, when your heart is tender, when your heart is pure. And we can only do these things by us first being in relationship with Jesus and having him give us all these things, the fruit of the Holy Spirit.
Speaker 3:Amen.
Speaker 2:Alright. Well, I hope that this episode helped you become a mentor that looks a little bit more like Jesus today. If you liked what you heard, share it. We haven't been real good about social media. And, honestly, Steven and I are both just kinda swamped.
Speaker 2:So we might not release an episode every week, but just know that we're still doing it. But we love you, and we really do believe that every kid in America in the world deserves a mentor who, supports them and loves them and who's encouraging them to become all that the lord has for them and more than anything, to make disciples. We truly wanna see a discipleship movement through mentoring the church, getting to know the kids in their neighborhood. And so we're thankful for you. You can mentor Murdoch.
Speaker 2:Anything else?
Speaker 3:Yes. Grateful for you listeners and and know that we're in this together. Let's choose gratitude. You can mentor.