French Connection

With Regina about to spill the beans, the ham and several different condiments, the case was finally getting the lead it deserved. Or needed. Or something. She had seen the Urologist to the Stars, Red Tinkles, the day before his brutal murder. And in that very office, there was a packet from a fish finger, from the renowned gourmet chef, Pierre Pousson. Would he spill the beans? Or clam up? Wave the white flag or see red at such accusations? There was only one way to find out. And it did not involve making mad passionate love. Much to the disappointment of pretty much everyone.

What is Dick Clever?

It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.

(Dick Clever, Episode Ten, French Connection)

THEME / JAZZ HORN BLOWING PLAYING UNDERNEATH:

DICK: So, there we were, with Regina about to spill the beans, the ham and
several different condiments. She had seen the Urologist to the Stars,
Red Tinkles the day before his brutal murder. And in the urologist’s
office we had found an empty fish finger packet from the renowned
gourmet chef, Pierre Pousson.

REGINA: I’m sure it has something to do with Pierre. Did you see the tongs?

DICK: It all clicked, the tongs. The ones that Larry the Lemming had told me
to look at carefully.

REGINA: There is something about them that is unusual. But Dick?

DICK: Yes Regina?

REGINA: Be quick, for I fear another murder.

DICK: Who?

REGINA: Oh, no one. It was a nonspecific, type of fear.

DICK: Okay Regina. Sit tight and lock your doors.

REGINA: After my appointment with the urologist sitting tight isn't a problem.

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:

DICK: So, 10:20 Petra and I made our way back to the precinct office and
down to the evidence room to have another look at those tongs.

BELL RINGING, COUNTERTOP TYPE.

ADHERE: I'm on me way!

DICK: Adhere?

ADHERE: Ah, I am sure it is me, in the very flesh.

DICK: Put some clothes on and then get me the tongs in the Mercutio
Murder Case.

ADHERE: Okay, hold on a tad.

LONG ZIPPER.

Right, you'll be wanting those tongs now, wouldn't you?

DICK: Thank you, Adhere.

FOOTSTEPS LEAVING AND SHUFFLING, BOXES.

ADHERE: Ah, (SINGING)

“One night and one more time,
Tongs for the memories
Even though they weren’t so clean”

DICK: C'mon Adhere, stick to the task at hand.

ADHERE: Oh, yes here they are.

RUSTLE OF A PLASTIC BAG.

DICK: No, Adhere, these are the Mercutios of the Tong Murder.

ADHERE: Ah I am sorry. Let me get that.

ADHERE SKIPPING AWAY.

PETRA: Sir, what was that about the Tong murder?

DICK: Tong was a triad member out of Hong Kong.

PETRA: Chinese?

DICK: No, his surname was Van Der Hoogan Bard.

PETRA: Dutch?

DICK: No, he was Peruvian.

PETRA: And his Mercutios?

DICK: They were knocked off just before he was murdered.

PETRA: By whom?

DICK: The Swedish Mafia.

PETRA: Swedish Mafia?

DICK: They didn't last long as so very few people took their accents
seriously. In fact, there is a theory that Tong wasn't murdered but
laughed himself to death when they threatened "skär hans mage med
dotterns ben."

PETRA: What does that mean?

DICK: We're not sure but you've got to admit it sounds kind of funny.

SKIPPING BACK AND PLASTIC.

ADHERE: Well here it is, Dick. The very tongs in question.

DICK: Just as I thought.

PETRA: What?

DICK: These are the tongs in question.

PETRA: Look, what is that, just beneath the clasp?

DICK: It looks like the crumbs...

DICK AND PETRA: From a fish finger!

JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDER:

DICK: So all along, the Mercutio Murder was the very first of the Cod Piece
Murders. Now it was making sense. When they found the body there
was no sign of a fish finger, but no doubt some deep fried junky
couldn't resist a free meal.

MENACING CHORD.

So it was coming together. But one part of the jigsaw needed looking
at, and when I say a good looking at I mean a thorough comb over and
when I say a thorough comb over I mean a nitpicking that would
shame an obsessive compulsive gorilla.

WALKING UP STAIRS.

We made our way to the kitchens of the famed Chef Pierre Pousson. A
legend in batter.

DOOR OPENS.

DICK: This is it. Ring the bell Petra.

BIG BEN

(PAUSE)

VERY DISTANT FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AND GETTING CLOSER.

PIERRE: (DISTANT) Un moment, please be patient, I am on my way.

FOOTSTEPS AND THEN A THUD.

Ooh, that will leave ze bruise.

DICK: Pierre Pousson?

DOOR OPENS.

PIERRE: Yes, zis is moi.

DICK: My name's Detective Dick Clever and this is Probationary Constable
Petra Pattinson.

PIERRE: I am charmed, I am sure.

DICK: Where were you last night between the hours of 12 and 4 am?

PIERRE: I was making mad, passionate love to ze wife.

DICK: Can your wife confirm this?

PIERRE: I hope not.

DICK: Pardon me?

PIERRE: I said I was making made passionate love to ze wife. The wife of the
Mayor.

MENACING CHORD.

(SNORT/CHUCKLES) Not my wife, oh no, no, no.

PETRA: For four hours?

PIERRE: Well I don't like to brag, but I have ze staying power non?

(PAUSE)

What is zis?

PETRA: My contact details.

PIERRE: Bon!

DICK: Well what do you have to say about this?

PACKET BEING HANDLED AND MENACING CHORD.

PIERRE: Zat looks like one of my fish finger packets.

DICK: Correct.

THEME SONG UP AND OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones