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Proverbs 15:1, 15:28, 17:14, 14:29, 16:32, 19:11, 24:29, 25:21-22
15:1 A soft answer turns away wrath,
but a harsh word stirs up anger.
(ESV)
28 The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer,
but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things.
(ESV)
14 The beginning of strife is like letting out water,
so quit before the quarrel breaks out.
(ESV)
29 Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding,
but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly.
(ESV)
32 Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty,
and he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city.
(ESV)
11 Good sense makes one slow to anger,
and it is his glory to overlook an offense.
(ESV)
29 Do not say, “I will do to him as he has done to me;
I will pay the man back for what he has done.”
(ESV)
21 If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat,
and if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,
22 for you will heap burning coals on his head,
and the LORD will reward you.
(ESV)
Redeemer exists to celebrate and declare the gospel of God as we grow in knowing and following Jesus Christ.
If you have a Bible, I invite you to turn to Proverbs. We're gonna be all over the place, so it actually might be easier if you just have your worship guide that has all of these proverbs before you. A number of years ago, I was, reprioritizing my job description, and I decided I would go to the, pastoral epistles for help. And so I wrote down every command in the pastoral epistles, and I said the top three commands are gonna be what I prioritize in my job description. The first two, there were no real surprises.
Joel Brooks:Paul mentions like 13, 14 times, preach, teach. The second most often, command he has was to be an example, to be a model. The 3rd, most repeated command did surprise me. And I found it to be the most helpful command I have had over the last 2 to 3 years. He said, avoid foolish controversies.
Joel Brooks:He actually says that 7 times, in the pastoral epistles, to avoid foolish controversies. And can you think of anything that is any better piece of advice, that you could have over the last couple of years? I took that as just stay off of social media. Ignore what's out there. That advice or really command has served me well.
Joel Brooks:But what do you do when you can't avoid it? You can't avoid a controversy, and it's not foolish. What if a controversy comes to you as a conflict? Somebody comes to you angry? What if somebody comes to you and offends you?
Joel Brooks:Wrongs you? Sends against you? When a family member keeps saying passive aggressive statements all the time around you. When you get that accusatory email. What do you do when somebody comes to you just looking for a fight?
Joel Brooks:That's what we're gonna look at this morning. Proverbs is immensely practical when talking to us about how to deal with an offense. And what we're gonna find as we read through this, is that we're to have a soft answer, a slow anger, and we must redefine winning. But let me read to you some of these Proverbs. Proverbs 15:1.
Joel Brooks:A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 1528. The heart of the righteous ponders how to answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. 17/14. The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.
Joel Brooks:14/29. Whoever slow to anger has great understanding, but he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. 16:32. Whoever is slow to anger is better than the mighty. And he who rules his spirit, better than he who takes a city.
Joel Brooks:1911. Good sense makes one slow to anger. And His glory, it is His glory to overlook an offense. 2429. Do not say, I will do to him as he has done to me.
Joel Brooks:I will pay the man back for what he has done. 25 verses 21 through 22. If your enemy is hungry, give him bread to eat. And if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. For you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.
Joel Brooks:This is the word of the Lord. Pray with me. Father, we pray that you would open up your word to us, that you would show us your heart for how you have responded when you were wrong. And I pray that we would reflect that same heart. Show us how we can deal with an offense.
Joel Brooks:I pray that my words would fall to the ground and blow away and not be remembered anymore. But, Lord, may Your words remain, and may they change us. We pray this in the strong name of Jesus. Amen. So what do we do in those times when conflict is unavoidable?
Joel Brooks:These proverbs, they tell us that we're to have a soft answer, a slow anger, and we must redefine what it means to win. And I want us to look at each one of these things. 1st, we wanna look at a soft answer. 15 verse 1. His soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Joel Brooks:The picture that the author Proverbs gives us here is is one where you're minding your own business. You're literally you're just walking down a path, and wrath is coming for you. You didn't go looking for wrath. Wrath is there in the path. It's got you in its sights, and wrath is coming for you.
Joel Brooks:So you're not looking for a fight, but it's looking it for you. So what do you do? This is when you, you know, you open up that email, and it just catches you off guard with its explosive content. Or you receive that text, and you just you can't believe somebody would would say that to you. Or maybe somebody comes up to you in person.
Joel Brooks:It's a friend or it's a coworker, and they just explode all over you. In that moment, as you're preparing your response, what do you need? You need softness. You need to have a soft answer in order to turn away the wrath that is in your path. A soft answer is a kind answer.
Joel Brooks:A controlled answer. It's an answer that seeks to turn down the volume of the situation, to to deescalate the anger that's rising. The soft anger is like a pillow. Pillows don't fight back. Pillows can take a hit and not be hurt and will not hurt the other person.
Joel Brooks:That's what a soft answer does. It's not ignoring the other person or ignoring the offense. Often ignoring someone escalates the anger. If you just ignore that email, if you just don't respond to that text, often that can make a person angrier. Years ago, I had a very angry man come to my house.
Joel Brooks:And I was actually in our backyard. I was having lunch with my girls, and he walked in the backyard, and he goes, you, front yard away from the kids. That's how the conversation began. I knew it was gonna go really well. And, and so I went into the front yard.
Joel Brooks:He got right in my face, and he screamed every profanity you could imagine. This went on for a long time. He's about 2 inches away from my face. I had his spit going all down my face as he was doing this, and I felt my fist getting in a ball, because he was looking for a fight. And I was thinking, Joel, this is why you've been going to the gym all these years.
Jeffrey Heine:I mean,
Joel Brooks:I really I was having these thoughts. It's like, it's for this opportunity. Like, it's one hit. Deck this guy. And then I remembered Proverbs 15:1.
Joel Brooks:Can I confess I hated that I remembered it? A soft answer turns away wrath. And I knew the moment that came up was like, I have to obey it. I didn't want to, but I had to. And so I was just very gentle with this guy.
Joel Brooks:I just took his hits. I let him speak his mind. And and I I kept trying to give this soft gentle reply, not overlooking his offense, but saying, I really disagree with you on this. I really think you're wrong, but we don't have to can we sit down? I said, I'm happy to sit down with you later, and let's just talk about this.
Joel Brooks:And I realized I lied. I wasn't happy, but, you know, I had adrenaline pumping. I probably should have just said, I'll be willing to sit down with you later and talk about this. But it deescalated, and he eventually, he finally calmed down enough to where he left. The issues weren't resolved.
Joel Brooks:My kids were scarred for life because they came and they saw the whole thing, but it could have been so much worse. Wrath was avoided. What's crazy about this is I actually think I did a really good job with this with this person. I did a great job with a crazy man coming to my house screaming and just spit all over me, but I can absolutely lose it if my kids just do a little roll of the eye. Or you know, they they give you the tone.
Joel Brooks:It's not even what they said, it's just to a certain tone, and and and you match the tone, and you turn up the volume a notch. How is it that I could do so well with the crazy man, but with the people I love around me, it could take like the slightest little turn of the knob, and I respond with a harsh word, and I escalate the situation. Proverbs says, soft answer. Soft answer. Be calm.
Joel Brooks:Verse 28 tells us how to come up with that soft answers. Says the heart of the righteous ponders how to answer. But the mouth of the wicked pours out evil things. This proverb talks about the speed in which we respond. Do you pour out a response when you are offended, Or do you ponder?
Joel Brooks:Yeah. Any of you ever send out an email that you regretted Or that text that you regretted? I'm not talking about sending a text to the wrong person. I mean, we've all done that. My wife is in my phone as a wifey.
Joel Brooks:That's how she's programmed in there. It's not because I have many wives. She's just one of them. It's, it's because I I didn't know way back in the time how I did, you know, the favorites, contacts, or whatever. This just put her at the top of my contacts.
Joel Brooks:She is a wifey. And so I always know right there, it's instant. I can respond to her, which also means I need to apologize to a couple of you Aarons out here who may have received some text from me over the years, and I do love you just not in that way. We've all sent out accidental text to people. That's not what I'm talking about.
Joel Brooks:I'm talking about the intentional text. The intentional emails that you sent to people and you regretted it. Now, let me ask you. When you wrote that email, were you pondering or were you pouring? You poured.
Joel Brooks:I mean, you're you're like, it never felt so good. You're typing away, you're like, and you did this and you did this. I bet you've never thought about this and you're just I mean, it is flowing. You've never written something so easily. It's pouring out of you.
Joel Brooks:And what was pouring out of you was wickedness. You know when you go to the doctor and you get a physical and they get that little, rubber mallet out and they hit your knee, you know, right below it and your knee just kinda, you know, it involuntarily, it just goes out. You can't control it. It it just has that reaction and it goes out. It's called a knee jerk reaction.
Joel Brooks:Our knee jerk reaction is wickedness. A core sign in the book of Proverbs that you actually have understanding or you have wisdom is that you recognize your own natural inclination towards evil. If you actually recognize, if I just act without thinking, it will most likely be evil. Because I'll be acting according to my nature, and that will be my knee jerk reaction. This proverb tells us slow down.
Joel Brooks:Do not do what comes natural to you. Don't have that knee jerk reaction. Think. Pray. Sit on that email for a few hours.
Joel Brooks:Let the last thing you fill out be the, the address to whom it goes. And if you're going to pour out anything, pour out your heart to God. I I mean, that's what all the Psalms are about. The Psalms, they instead of pouring out anger towards another, they pour out all their anger towards God. And then over the course of that Psalm, you see how God begins to turn that anger into praise.
Joel Brooks:How quick we are to just pour out our thoughts, pour out our anger on social media, or by an email, or just going to somebody and telling them exactly what we think. Pour out your heart to God, but ponder. Slow down and ponder your response here. So when dealing with a an offense, have a soft answer. Next we read that we're to have a slow anger.
Joel Brooks:14 verse 29. Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding, But he who has a hasty temper exalts folly. Okay. I want you to think of the last time you erupted in anger. Think about it.
Joel Brooks:Not a rhetorical question. I want you to to get that in your mind. Maybe it was you erupted in anger to a spouse, or to a child or a neighbor or a coworker or a parent. Perhaps it was to some random Facebook post. You don't even know the person, but you wanted them to know your thoughts.
Joel Brooks:Whoever it was, they did or they said something and you had that knee jerk reaction and you erupted in anger. Now let me ask you this. When you erupted in anger, if that had been videotaped and we were to play it right here for everyone, how would you feel about that? It'd be pretty embarrassing to watch yourself as you erupt in anger. I mean, waving arms around, yelling, maybe smashing things, maybe leaving the room, saying a bunch of irrational claims, you would think, I'm looking at a crazy person.
Joel Brooks:And you would be right, because anger does make you temporarily insane. Most of us actually, we would rather have a if there was a video out there of of us being under the influence of something or You You do not act rationally when you're angry. It it produces this temporary insanity in us. It clouds our judgment. It distorts our view of reality.
Joel Brooks:It causes us to exaggerate the flaws in others. We begin to say things like you always are so critical of me. You always are judging me. You are always late. You never listen to me.
Joel Brooks:You never pick up your clothes. And of course, those things are not true. They don't always do these things. They don't never do these things. But in anger, it distorts our view of reality, and we become irrational.
Joel Brooks:Just as irrational as if we took any drug. And yet anger itself is not the problem. Anger is not evil. It's actually a God given emotion. Paul in Ephesians 4 commands us to be angry, actually.
Joel Brooks:Be angry and don't sin. There are times you need to be angry, but you don't need to let that anger turn to sin. The key for that to happen is for you to have a slow anger. There are many ways to define anger. For me, my go to definition over the years is this.
Joel Brooks:Anger is the emotion we feel when something we love is threatened. Anger is the emotion we feel when something we love is threatened. It's a God given emotion in order to protect that love. But the reason it needs to be done slowly is because you need to ask yourself, what exactly is it that I love that is being threatened in this moment? Before responding in anger, you need to understand exactly why you are angry.
Joel Brooks:That's why, you know, what Proverbs 14 29 is getting at. Whoever is slow to anger has great understanding. A person who is slow to anger is thinking about their anger. They're asking why am I angry? What exactly do I love that's being threatened in this moment?
Joel Brooks:Am I angry because of what this person asked me to do? Or am I angry because I don't like being told what to do, period? Am I angry because of this injustice? Or am I angry because I'm just not getting my way? Every parent at one point has felt anger towards a child, often for not finding their shoes.
Joel Brooks:Or maybe a jacket. Somehow they just they can't find, the clothes at the time you need them to find their clothes. I don't know what it is about kids. I I came when my kids were little. I could hide a Pringles can, in the laundry room, in a cabinet up high.
Joel Brooks:They would find it. But they couldn't find the shoes they wore every day. There's something about the kids, and so normally when, you know, you tell your child, hey, can you go get your shoes? And they're like, I don't know where it is. They are.
Joel Brooks:They're like, okay. Well, think of the last place you left them. You're calm with them, but you erupt in anger when you're late for something. At that moment, you're like, why did he always look and you know, forget where your shoes are? Why can't you ever find them?
Joel Brooks:You erupt in anger. Why are you angry? Is it because they can't find their shoes? No. Because you've responded gently in the past.
Joel Brooks:You're angry because you don't wanna be embarrassed for being late. Your pride is gonna take a hit. That's what you love. Anger gives us this unique window into our own soul, and often it reveals our own issues, our hidden idols. The wise person takes time to understand their anger.
Joel Brooks:And when you do this, you might gain insight into another person's sin, but often, you'll find your own idols being exposed. And so God uses anger to reveal those things. So you're to give a soft answer. You're to be slow to anger, and you're also to redefine winning. So what is your goal when you're entering into a conflict?
Joel Brooks:Is it to win? Is it to prove a point? Is it to make the other person hurt in such way in some way? Pay them back. You know, whether it's through the silent treatment, ending a relationship, or lashing out at them, embarrassing them.
Joel Brooks:What what is your goal when entering a conflict? Once again, I want you to think back to the last conflict you have had, and let me ask you this question. Did the death and resurrection of Jesus matter? Did it matter to you in that moment and how you responded? Or if Jesus had never died and rose again, would it have changed anything about the way you handled that conflict?
Joel Brooks:Did you respond to that offense by giving law or by giving grace? We need to redefine what it means to win in a conflict. The gospel completely gives us a new lens as to what winning looks like. The resurrection, death and resurrection of Jesus profoundly changes the way that we deal with conflict. Because our goal isn't to win at all costs.
Joel Brooks:Our goal is to restore relationship and to point people to Jesus. Glorifying Jesus is the goal we should have in every conflict. If you think about it, conflict is a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate the gospel. The gospel is actually hard to show someone in the absence of conflict. It's hard, harder to show somebody the gospel in the absence of conflict, but the moment there is a conflict, you've been given a tremendous opportunity to actually live out and to show the gospel to them.
Joel Brooks:And we could do this by showing that my goal in this conflict is to restore relationship and to show you that Jesus is glorious. And one of the ways we do this is by turning the other cheek. We looked at this when we were going through Romans. Jesus tells us to turn the other cheek. In 1st century Jewish culture, you know, they would greet one another by you kiss both cheeks.
Joel Brooks:And some cultures still do this. It's it's how you show, show affection to a friend. How you welcome them even in a public place. You kiss both of their cheeks. So when Jesus talks about getting hit on the cheek or slapped on the cheek, He's referring to the place where you think there's gonna be a welcome.
Joel Brooks:When you've offered the person a good relationship, a loving relationship, and instead of receiving that, you are slapped there. He tells you how to respond to that. He says, you turn the other cheek. And that can mean a number of of different things there, but one of the things it most certainly means is this. You don't walk away, but you're offering the person, once again, another opportunity for relationship.
Joel Brooks:It's not just turning the other cheek to receive another blow. You're offering, is this I'm making myself vulnerable again. I want this relationship. Will you kiss me or will you hit me? But we don't just walk away.
Joel Brooks:Restoration of a relationship is our goal. But it does mean at times you take a hit. This could be taking an insult. It'd be taking a financial hit. We could take a hit so many different ways, but we absorb the blows.
Joel Brooks:Proverbs 1911 says, good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Oh, there's more time than we, less time. We don't have enough time to go through this. There's so many illusions to Exodus there. When God reveals his glory to Moses, what does he say?
Joel Brooks:I am the Lord slow to anger. Our slowness to anger and glory are linked together. That word to to overlook literally is to pass over. It's to pass over an offense. When we're slow to anger, when we pass over an offense, we're like God Himself.
Joel Brooks:Proverbs 17:9 says, whoever covers an offense seeks love. Now to cover an offense doesn't mean you just pretend an offense didn't happen. To cover an offense is is like covering a payment. You know, when you go out with friends, let's say you're all out at a restaurant and the bill comes, if you were to say, it's okay, I'll cover this. What are you saying in that moment?
Joel Brooks:You're not saying, everybody run. Let's not pay. Saying, I'll pay the bill. I've got it covered. I'll take the hit.
Joel Brooks:Covering an offense seeks love. Turning the other cheek, taking the hit, not responding insult with insult, not lashing back. This shows people the gospel. This is what Jesus did for us when we sinned against Him. He didn't make us pay for our sins.
Joel Brooks:He covered them. Not by ignoring them or saying they never existed. He covered them by paying for our sins with his own blood. And this radically changes the way now we deal with others when we have been offended. We seek to restore the relationship, and we seek to cover their offense.
Joel Brooks:So when we are offended, we have this amazing opportunity to show people just how glorious Jesus is and what He has done for us. Let me pray for us. Father, we thank you that you are a God who's merciful, compassionate, and slow to anger. And father, when we have those qualities, we show that you are glorious. So I pray that you would make those prevalent in our lives.
Joel Brooks:We'd be marked by that character. Lord, I pray that you would have us to, slow down, To not repay evil for evil, but to see every conflict that comes our way. Every offense that we find in our path is an opportunity to show the gospel. Jesus, thank you for your forgiveness of us. Thank you that you took the hit.
Joel Brooks:You covered the expense. You paid the debt we could never pay. We remember that in this moment, and we sing our praise to you, Jesus. It's in your name we pray. Amen.