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It's a classic tale. A lone detective, a dark town, and a victim with a cod piece stuck in their ear. It's the sort of murder that could turn one to drink, to shun society and start a jazz band in his mother's basement. But not Dick. A man who's not quite Poirot, Sherlock, or Jake Peralta, but a man whose very much...well, Dick. Accompanied by a pallet of colourful characters, sharp tongues, wit and humour, we follow Dick and co on a bizarre journey to find truth, justice, and just how long a telephone cord really is.
(Dick Clever, Episode Fourteen, Patriots Syndrome)
THEME / JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:
DICK: 9:55 and a mist rolled in from the lounge room as we were
questioning the enormous character of Cecil Lardbottom. He was the
only man known to have had a lag time between laughing and coming
to a complete rest measured in days.
THEME OUT.
So you don't deny wearing a thong supplied by Pierre?
LARDBOTTOM: And why should I?
DICK: So you don't deny it?
LARDBOTTOM: Not at all. In fact, I am proud of my underwear. Here, have a look.
FLAG-LOWERING FOLLOWD BY A SCREAM.
So what do you think?
DICK: I'm never going to eat sago pudding again.
LARDBOTTOM: Petra, feel free to inspect this model of true masculinity.
DICK: She can't.
LARDBOTTOM: And why not?
DICK: She's in the foetal position in the corner.
LARDBOTTOM: Ha ha! I can have that effect on people.
PETRA: So much, just so much…where does it end? Where does it begin?
DICK: Okay, you’ve had your fun. Pull them back up, please.
FLAG RAISING AND ZIPPER BEING DRAWN UP.
Thank you. Now come on Petra, it’s all over now.
PETRA: But, it was huge and…
DICK: Yes, it seemed to have a life force of its own.
LARDBOTTOM: So, have I answered your questions?
DICK: And possibly a few more on how the universe was created.
LARDBOTTOM: Ohhh good, I do like to be educational. Wouldn't you like to see my
corset? Pierre had it done specially.
DICK: I think we’re good.
LARDBOTTOM: Come on, you don’t appreciate his work until…
DICK: Run Petra!
FEET RUNNING AWAY. THEN JAZZ HORN PLAYING UNDERNEATH:
So Pierre had little to hide and what he did hide was of interest,
especially to Petra, and Lardbottom had nothing to hide and should've
hidden it all. To my dying day, that vision is etched onto the back of
my eyeballs and no amount of drinking was going to take it away.
JAZZ HORN OUT.
10:20 and we made it back to the office deeply scarred, emotionally.
Petra, we have a hand full of nothings but fish fingers and a morgue
full of dead people.
PETRA: That is a little redundant.
DICK: What?
PETRA: Well a morgue full of dead people is redundant because that is what
a morgue usually has. So if you said you had a full morgue or a
morgue full of living people then there is no redundancy.
DICK: I hadn't thought of that, but you're right. Okay, we have no leads that
add up. What would you do?
PETRA: I really think that Pierre needs a good frisking.
DICK: There is a common thread that is entwined all the way
through this tapestry of lies and deceit. A common thread that if
pulled would bring down the trousers of the murderer like a deck of
cards on a windy day.
PETRA: I wouldn't really know where to begin with correcting that one.
DICK: We need to speak again with a few people. Come on Petra, we’re
getting close.
PETRA: Not too close.
DICK: Sorry, I meant to the answers.
PETRA: Right.
JAZZ HORN PLAYS UNDERNEATH:
DICK: It all started to make sense. But we needed to speak with Constable
Adhere. He had been at every scene quicker than anyone else. He had
the keys to the evidence room and he, and only he had a glow-in-the-
dark nightstick. This didn't tie in with the murders, but it was strange.
MENACING CHORD.
DICK: Adhere, you here?
ADHERE: Ah yes. Dick, I'll be right with you. I just need to file this here file.
DICK: Which file?
ADHERE: That it is.
DICK: Which?
ADHERE: That's right.
DICK: A file....
ADHERE: On the witchcraft case.
DICK: Ah yes. What did you file it under?
ADHERE: B.
DICK: B?
ADHERE: B from break.
DICK: For the Witchcraft?
ADHERE: Well a break is when you take a spell, ain't it?
JAZZ HORN.
DICK: His logic was bewildering which he would say had something to do
with wildebeest.
JAZZ HORN OUT.
ADHERE: Right, well Dick, what can I help you with?
DICK: You were first to the scene of the Red Tinkles murder, Urologist to the
Stars.
ADHERE: That’s right.
DICK: Now Adhere, think carefully. Was the fish finger….
ADHERE: In the right nostril.
DICK: Yes. But think carefully. Was it inserted from this direction, or this
direction?
ADHERE: Ohhh. Dick. That's a hard one. I think it was, yes I'm sure it was put in
this way.
DICK: Ahah! Right. And when you found the body, was he smiling.
ADHERE: My goodness, Dick however did you know?
DICK: And more than this, you were wearing a black thong.
ADHERE: Oh my goodness, I am so ashamed.
DICK: Why?
ADHERE: I should've been wearing the red one, it was happy hour.
DICK: No, that's not the reason. The reason you were the first to the scene, was that you were on your
way to see Red Tinkles.
ADHERE: Alright I admit it.
GENTLE SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC TINKLING ON A PIANO.
DICK: But you didn't kill him, did you?
ADHERE: (BREAKING DOWN) No, no I didn't. It's was just that I have this problem.
DICK: And what problem is that?
ADHERE: I have Patriot's syndrome.
DICK: Patriot's syndrome?
ADHERE: It's a rare condition where you pee in red, white and blue.
MENACING CHORD AND THEN THEME IN AND OUT.
END
Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones