Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
This is episode 16. And today I'm talking with Brittany Hochstetler. Brittany is an ADHD Brain Health Coach, cohost of the Brain Health Journey podcast, and a homeschooling mom of three. Today we talk about people pleasing, what it's like raising ADHD kids with more knowledge than our parents had, and a whole lot more.
Show Notes
Guest
Brittany S Hochstetler
Brittany S Hochstetler
Sponsor
Links and show notes
Creators and Guests
What is ADHD Nerds?
ADHD Nerds is the podcast for Adults with ADHD to learn more about their unique brain through the stories of others. Learn tips and strategies for managing or hacking your ADHD brain and have some fun along the way.
ADHD Nerds is hosted by Jesse J. Anderson, an ADHD Creative with a passion for writing, teaching, and raising awareness about ADHD. In 2017, he was diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 36, and has made it his mission to help others better understand what ADHD really is.
This podcast is a great place to learn more about Adult ADHD, whether you're officially diagnosed, self-diagnosed, stuck on a waiting list, or just want to know more about how your loved one's brain works.
Brittany Hochstetler: My earliest
memory of someone telling me, it
was a classmate saying like, why do
you, why do you apologize so much?
Like, why are you sorry that there's
no reason to be sorry for this?
And I think I was in, um, second grade.
at lunch and I think I
dropped something of my own.
It was my own food.
And I, I dropped it and for some reason
I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And, this girl like next to me,
she's like, why are you sorry?
Like that doesn't, there's
nothing to apologize about.
You say sorry so much.
Jesse J. Anderson: Hey,
my name is Jesse J.
Anderson, host of the ADHD Nerds podcast.
The show where we talk about living with
ADHD, and have some fun along the way.
This is episode 16.
And today I'm talking
with Brittany Hochstetler.
Brittany is an ADHD Brain Health Coach,
cohost of the Brain Health Journey
podcast, and a homeschooling mom of three.
Today we talk about people pleasing,
what it's like raising ADHD kids
with more knowledge than our
parents had, and a whole lot more.
But first I'd like to thank
our sponsor, Llama Life.
Say goodbye to never-ending
lists and hello to daily bliss.
Llama Life is a perfect tool for
managing time boxed working sessions.
You can whiz through your monstrous
to do list, finish your work on
time, and get the things done
that you said you would do.
To get your free trial, go to
adhdnerds.com/llama that's L
L A M A and get started today.
And you can save 20% by using
the coupon code JESSELLAMA20.
That's J E S S E L L A M A 2 0.
Now let's get to the show.
Brittany, thank you so
much for being here.
It's uh, great to have you here today.
Brittany Hochstetler: Yes.
Thank you for having me, Jesse.
I appreciate it.
Jesse J. Anderson: Yeah, absolutely.
So I love to start the show going into
people's ADHD story, sort of your origin
story, how you found out that you had
ADHD when you were diagnosed, all of that.
So yeah, where does your ADHD story begin?
Brittany Hochstetler: Well, it is
kind of fuzzy, but I was diagnosed
around 11 or 12 years old, and I
think it was just some of the common
things that a lot of girls go through.
Not that girls can't be hyperactive, but
for the most part it seems like girls go
through the daydreaming and inattention.
Maybe having to read the same
thing over and over again.
You know, that sort of thing.
I was not a hyperactive kid.
It's more internalized, but it's not
something where I was very disruptive
in class or anything like that.
And I don't actually remember getting
the diagnosis itself, so I can't really
go into anything about the assessment
or evaluation, but I just know it was
around 11 or 12 years old, and I remember.
I don't know what prompted it exactly
or even why they bothered doing it.
Because I remember my mom telling me,
Well, you know, I don't, I don't think
we're gonna put you on medication.
You know, I think it's okay
the way you are sometimes.
This is what happens if you're
reading something or if you forget
something and you know, sometimes
you know it happens and it's okay.
And.
It's not that she was against western
medicine or medication, but I think what
it was, I think she was afraid of passing
the message on to me that, Hey, there's
something wrong and there's something
going on, and we need you to be like all
the other kids, so you're gonna take this
pill so that you can do A, B, C, X, Y, Z.
I think she was trying so hard to make.
I guess accept myself while, and I
don't know if that makes a lot of
sense, but I think she was just afraid
of passing on the message that like,
Okay, my mom thinks I'm a problem and
now I have these things to fix because
it's a problem for my family or in the
classroom, or something along those lines.
Now I will say that she, she did help
me through, The school years, Like if I
didn't understand something, I remember.
I mean, there would be certain books we
would read in class and I just, there
was some material I could not understand.
I was not processing it.
It was difficult.
I would read something and
I'm just, I wasn't getting it.
And I remember her just, I mean, sitting
there and reading with me and reading
through it, just trying to help me.
And she never made me feel bad.
She never, I mean, if I got like a c.
Whatever grade on something,
she never made me feel bad.
She never made me feel
like I wasn't enough.
So I will say that she, she was
amazing in that part of it where she
really tried to help me accept myself
while also I guess, trying to help me
through the school years in general.
Um, I think she did the best with what
she knew, if that makes any sense.
Um, because, you know, we
have a lot more education now.
You know, back when we were kids
and I, I even think with our parents
without the internet, that would've
been, that would've been pretty hard.
I mean, I can see where she was coming
from, I guess is what I'm saying.
So I went years, I guess it was just
kind of like in the back of my mind,
like, okay, I ha yeah, I have ADHD, but
I always just thought of it as well.
Sometimes I have a hard time
focusing and sometimes I have a hard.
Paying attention or I'm forgetful.
And that's, that's
literally what I thought.
And that's about as far as it got.
And I didn't think much of it until
maybe my early twenties or mid twenties.
And that was when I started to think,
gosh, it would be really nice if maybe
there was some kind of treatment, because
I do feel like it gets in the way and
it's so like, it's such a struggle.
But I didn't like, I did not, I
did not address it with my doctor.
I didn't, I didn't say anything for
so long, like I would say something
to my husband, but I was afraid that
if I said something to my doctor that
they would think I was drug seeking.
Like, Oh, you're, you just want
stimulant medication, You know?
What are you doing just now
trying to get something?
So, I mean, yeah, I went through most
of my adult life until last summer
where I finally just had enough and I'm
like, I'm just gonna talk to my doctor.
Maybe we just need another
assessment or evaluation, which
I was totally open to doing.
Um, and then kind of go from there.
So had the assessments and the evaluation
done and talked through it with him,
and definitely, definitely ADHD.
So
Jesse J. Anderson: Was there
anything in particular that like.
Re sparked that, you know, kind
of made you say that, Okay, I
should really look into this and
reevaluate and kind of look into it.
Like what sort of brought that about.
I know a lot of people just going
through the pandemic, that really
changed a lot of people's routines,
which caused a lot of things to crop up.
Was that sort of the same for you?
Brittany Hochstetler: You know,
that's a really good point about
the pandemic, and I didn't really, I
didn't take that into consideration.
I don't know.
I'm sure that had a factor, maybe
something that I wasn't thinking about.
I think what really did it was just
realizing some of my own struggles that
I was going through for a long time.
Like especially as a mother with ADHD and
just some of the things that would happen
that would affect my family and it nothing
like severe or too drastic, but you know,
it, it's little things like forgetting.
Oh my gosh.
Like you have basketball practice
in 20 minutes and I forgot like
we have to, like, we have to
get around and go right now.
you know, that kind of stuff.
Or forgetting that there was a
bill coming up, let's say, and my
husband kind of controls all of
that, which is fine because it's
hard for me to state organized in
that way, but it's, I think little
things like that added up over time.
I just felt bad for certain things
affecting other people and it, I
mean, affecting myself as well.
It just, I guess it just kind of got
to that point where I thought, Gosh, it
would be really nice if I knew what to do.
you know, I even questioned,
do I even have ADHD?
Do I really have it?
I don't know.
And so it was kind of questioning myself
and kind of wanting that confirmation.
So,
Jesse J. Anderson: Yeah, I think,
I think a lot of people at ADHD
have that when they first are
seeking diagnosis or considering it.
There's, there's, I think because
of our history of hearing, you know,
growing up, you're often hearing
that things are your own fault, that
you just need, you know, you need to
reach your potential or you need to.
You know, have more willpower
and things like that.
We're used to feeling like we're
falling short a little bit.
And so it almost, I think
people sometimes feel like ADHD
almost sounds too convenient.
Like that I, I don't deserve, uh,
to have this diagnosis that explains
things cuz it's really just my fault.
But I really am just like, applying those
negative labels to ourselves, which makes
it, uh, I think difficult for a lot of
people to realize that hey, actually
you've been struggling with this thing
for so long and there's a reason for
it and it's not all your fault despite
what you know, authority figures in your
life, were probably telling you and kind
of like what you said with your mom,
like my parents kind of did some of that
negative stuff when I was growing up,
but it's cuz they didn't know any better.
They're, the education just
kind of wasn't really there.
And like, I think my parents
did the best they could and they
just didn't know what to do.
With, you know, I, we didn't know
about ADHD, but they didn't know
what to do with me and they didn't
know that there was a thing that
sort of, uh, described all of this.
So, yeah, so I think that's
a pretty common struggle.
Brittany Hochstetler: I think
that a lot of us, we feel like
we've overcompensated for so long
that we don't know any different.
We don't know what it's
like to not do that.
And so maybe we think, well,
maybe everybody's like this and
maybe this is just the way it is.
And I think that's part of
where the questioning comes
into play for us sometimes.
Jesse J. Anderson: Mm.
Mm-hmm.
Brittany Hochstetler: I
mean, that's just my thought.
I think we're just used to
overcompensating so much that
we just question ourselves.
Like Is everybody, Is
everybody else like this too?
And yeah, it can be.
It can be hard.
Jesse J. Anderson: Yeah, totally.
I think, uh, one thing we, you know,
before the show, we talked about
maybe diving into a little bit about
people pleasing, which is really
common, kind of in line with that.
A lot of people with ADHD really
lean into people pleasing.
Um, and part of that is with
emotional dysregulation.
Like we're, we're afraid of these
negative emotions and so we like try
to protect ourselves and kind of put
up barriers and really, uh, yeah, lean
into people pleasing, just to like
avoid any sort of scenario where those
negative emotions, uh, would come around.
Uh, what's your experience
been with, uh, people pleasing?
Brittany Hochstetler: So I am
definitely one to people please.
Like it's very hard for me to say
no, even with the smallest things,
and it can add up over time.
And maybe I'll regret saying yes
to some things and it adds up.
And then when you feel
like the other person.
Maybe they're kind of not giving
you back that same energy.
Not that I would want them to say yes
when they really mean no, but after a
while it can kind of make you feel used.
And I'm sure you probably have felt used
on occasion where you're being asked
all these things and then you know, it
doesn't happen the other way around.
It can be really frustrating.
I try to pinpoint where it came from.
I don't believe my parents
ever made me feel like I had
to apologize for everything or
that I was a burden in some way.
I don't recall anything that they've
done or anything that they said that
would make me feel that way, but my
earliest memory of someone telling me,
It was a classmate saying like, why
do you, why do you apologize so much?
Like, why are you sorry that there's
no reason to be sorry for this?
And I think I was in, um, second grade.
I was in second grade at lunch and I
think I dropped something of my own.
It was my own food.
And I, I dropped it and for some reason
I was like, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And, this girl like next to me,
she's like, why are you sorry?
Like that doesn't, there's
nothing to apologize about.
You say sorry so much.
And that's honestly my earliest
memory of someone like, Hey, what
are you doing apologizing all the
time when you don't even need to.
And I mean, that was in second grade.
I was, I was seven.
So I know for some people they feel
like with the people pleasing, there
was a lot of negative messages from
maybe family coming in, you know,
they, they feel like a burden or they
always felt like they were making
mistakes and had to apologize for it.
And sometimes these messages can be
overwhelming and then you feel like
you have to apologize all the time.
I don't, I don't feel
like that was my case.
So it's really hard for me to pinpoint
why I've always been that way.
And it's, like I said, it's
as far back as I can remember.
So I, I don't know.
Our daughter is like that too,
and I try to, I'm trying to not do
that myself anymore because I don't
want that rubbing off onto her.
And
I'm trying to explain to
her like, there's, you don't
need to apologize for this.
There, there's no reason to.
It's okay.
And I think she realizes that
once I tell her, you know, but
it's, it's just like a habit.
She just does it.
Once I say something, she's
like, Oh, I know, I know.
And she'll kind of realize it, but
it's, I don't wanna say it's a terrible
habit, but it, it, it can, it can
build and be overwhelming over time.
Jesse J. Anderson: Yeah.
And it's, it's hard to break that too,
cuz you, like you said, like it starts,
it often starts so young, it just sort
of becomes part of like your default
response or your default like mode that
you're just used to leaning that way and
kind of responding in that certain way.
And it's really hard, uh, it's
really hard to change those kind
of like core tendencies that
happen so early, uh, in our lives.
Uh, you mentioned like Trying to, uh, help
your daughter with your own tendencies.
And I kind of have that too,
you know, finding out that I had
ADHD just, you know, when I was,
uh, I was 36 years old and we
currently, we've got three kids and.
it's such an interesting, cuz now
I have like all this knowledge that
my parents didn't have about it.
And now I'm like trying to figure out
like, how, what can I do different?
Like what can I do to best set them up
to be able to kind of embrace their brain
for what it is and embrace themselves
for who they are, and also be able
to kind of overcome some of these,
uh, tendencies and things like that.
Uh, yeah, parenting is hard but I, I'm,
I feel extremely blessed that it's like
I didn't have this knowledge growing
up, so I'm gonna do everything I can
to help empower my kids so that they're
better informed on how their brain works.
Brittany Hochstetler: Absolutely, and
I think that is what is exciting about
all the education and information and
research coming out now, is that we know
so much more about ADHD, and I think that
we've only hit the tip of the iceberg.
I think there is research studies
being published every single day.
More and more information coming out
and I just, sometimes I think, Wow,
what we are doing for our kids, this
generation, I don't know, think about
like maybe what they are gonna do for
the next generation that's coming.
And so think about it and I, it's
exciting and I do think things
are going to change for the better
once we get that education out.
And once people understand a
little more of what ADHD really
is, because there's still this,
there's still this stigma behind it.
There's a lot of people that still
don't even think it's, it's a real
thing, which is, which is a shame.
And I suppose that's a whole nother topic,
but it, it is really exciting to know
like what we are doing for this generat.
Jesse J. Anderson: Yeah, I agree.
Like those myths are still out there,
but I, I think more and more minds
are being kind of, uh, opened to
what ADHD really is like every day.
I feel like I get comments so
often on different posts and
stuff that are like, Wait, what?
Like, that's what ADHD is.
That is not at all.
What I thought it was, which is
the same experience I had six years
ago when I first looked into it.
I was like, I don't have ADHD
because I have no problem focusing
on things that are interesting to me.
Uh, which is hilarious in retrospect
because then I learned about hyperfocus
and like, Oh yeah, that's, People
with ADHD have no problem focusing on
things that are interesting to them.
That's like part of, uh, what it is.
And I think that's still, that's
happening every single day.
More and more people kind of having
that realization of realizing what
ADHD, uh, truly is, which is great.
And yeah, I I, it's so hard to not look
back once you're diagnosed with ADHD.
It's so hard to like not look back and.
If I had the information I have now,
like how different my life could
have been and things like that.
Um, and so yeah, I'm super excited to
see what, um, what my kids are able
to do with having this information
and with knowing like, yeah,
there's like a lot of difficulties.
You know, we're in a neurotypical
world, so there's a lot of difficulty.
Difficulties with having
a neuro divergent brain.
But there's strengths too if you learn
to, uh, you know, lean into them and
kind of knowing how to, uh, I dunno,
compensate isn't the right word, but,
you know, just sort of like knowing where
your difficulties lie and working with
them and then just leaning into what, uh,
makes it great and it's been cool to see.
Like seeing my daughter kind of
explain her own ADHD to other people
and just be like, ah, she gets it.
She gets that her brain
isn't broken or bad.
It's, it's different.
And that has pros and cons with it.
And uh, yeah, it's super fulfilling
but also terrifying Cause you're
like, I hope I'm doing this right.
I mean, all parenting is like
that, but I feel like there's
like an extra stress, which is
like, I hope I'm doing this right.
I hope I'm really helping.
them to understand what, you know,
how their brain works and how they
can really, uh, succeed in life.
Yeah,
Brittany Hochstetler: Sure.
I, I totally empathize with that.
I feel like I go through similar
things when it comes to raising our
children too, and we just so badly.
Well, like you said, we
look back and we think.
What if and maybe could it
have been done differently?
And we want our kids, we want it to
be different for our own children.
And we know some of the risks
that are behind ADHD in general.
And especially if it's not treated
at all, like being a higher risk
for just all kinds of things.
It's, it's pretty scary.
So yeah, I agree with you.
It can be that extra, that extra added
layer where, you know, parenting is hard
in general, but then when you're talking
about adding that layer, you just think
like, gosh, am I, am I doing this right?
Am I doing it right?
Am I, But it sounds like you are, and I
think one of the best things we can do is
to explain, like you said, I mean like how
the neuro divergent, um, ADHD brain works
and what is happening with the brain and
how it manifests into certain behaviors.
What they can do to help themselves
in some way, and that they
also have their strengths that
they can absolutely thrive in.
Because, I mean, I'm sure your kid, they
are really, really, really good at like
something very specific and they just like
blow others like right out of the water.
Whether it's like knowing a certain topic
or maybe just being really good at a
sport that they, they can't stop playing.
Like they, they just cannot stop playing.
I, it goes back to the hyper-focusing,
which it sounds like a total contradiction
with inattention and then hyper-focusing.
But I'll tell you what, that
hyper-focusing it, it can, it can
get in the way for sure, and I'm sure
you know that, but it can really,
it can really be in your favor too.
Jesse J. Anderson: Yeah, absolutely.
Uh, cool.
I think that is a, uh, great place
to transition to, uh, wrapping up
the show with shiny objects and, uh,
shiny objects is just a time to where
we can kind of share a shiny object
that has been interesting to you
lately or, uh, grabbed your attention.
So maybe it's a show or some
music or a hobby, or maybe
it's just your new fidget toys.
So what is a, uh, shiny object
that, uh, you're enjoying lately?
Brittany Hochstetler: It's been history.
It's, and I never thought in a
million years that it, I would
ever be interested in history.
I remember just looking back and
thinking, Why do we have to learn this?
I don't wanna learn it.
I hate it.
I, I did not.
I did not like it at all.
And for the last, I wanna say
a couple years, I don't know.
I've been really interested in
history and especially World War ii.
I don't know what makes
that so intriguing.
But I feel like I've been listening
to YouTube videos and reading and
listening to podcasts, and it's
really interesting just to kind of
look back and kind of apply certain
things today in the current world.
So it's, it's, it's been history.
Jesse J. Anderson: That's awesome.
I love that.
It's, I think it's, it's so telling that
I feel like most, if not all, people
with ADHD really seem to love learning.
But many of us really like
struggled in school and so it's
kind of like frustrating how
there's that weird, strange kind of
dynamic there, or almost paradox.
Same with me, like you said,
with history specifically.
I hated history in school cause it was
all about like memorizing what year
things happened and stuff like that.
And it was never very interesting.
But now that I'm older, I, it's
like history is so fascinating.
There's so many really interesting
stories that you can find
there and like lessons learned.
Through all the sort of different
stuff that happened, um, recently.
I, um, I'm actually I'll, I'll go
ahead and change my shiny object to,
uh, there's a podcast, a Hardcore
History, and specifically there's um,
there's a series that, uh, they do on
World War I, which I'm a huge World
War II buff, but the series it did on
World War One was really fascinating.
Cause I
Brittany Hochstetler: to learn War I.
Sorry to interrupt, but I do
need to learn more about War I.
I don't know much about it, so
I'm gonna have to look into that.
Jesse J. Anderson: Yeah, absolutely.
That was the same with me.
I think I, my knowledge of World
War, like World War II really
overshadowed World War I for, uh,
in a lot of ways for a good reason.
But because of that, like you
said, like I really didn't know
very much about World War I.
Um, and so I really found
this podcast, uh, fascinating.
Just finding out kind of all the history
and how it was, I mean, it, it's a
little kind of disturbing learning
some of the stuff that happened.
Cause it was like the.
Real war where they were like discovering
like trench warfare and stuff like that.
But it was really interesting watching,
uh, hearing all the stories of it
unfolding and yeah, there's so many
like, fascinating just little micro
stories happening throughout the thing.
So yeah, I, I love history too.
Um, especially when told well and
Hardcore History does, uh, that episode,
I'll link that in the show notes,
does a really great job with that.
Cool.
Well, awesome.
Thank you so much for, uh,
being here today, Brittany.
Uh, where can people go if they
wanna follow, uh, some of the
stuff that you're doing online?
Brittany Hochstetler: Um, you can
find me on Instagram @adhdbrainhealth.
Jesse J. Anderson: Awesome.
Cool.
I'll put that in the show notes and yeah,
So you do that, uh, podcast with Tish, who
is a previous guest, and you record that
like every week on, I believe every week
on uh, Instagram Live, which is really fun
how you do a live version of that where
people can kind of comment and then you
can respond to, uh, people's questions.
So for any of the listeners that
are on Instagram, I definitely
recommend, uh, checking that out.
That's a great kind of fun way to
interact, live with, uh, that podcast.
Um, and yeah, thanks
again for, uh, being here.
This is great.
Brittany Hochstetler: Yes, thank you.
And that is the Brain
Health Journey podcast.
I did for, I meant to
mention that and I forgot it.
So the Brain Health Journey
podcast, it's across many platforms.
Jesse J. Anderson: Awesome.
Thank you so much.
Brittany Hochstetler: All right.
Thank you, Jesse.
Jesse J. Anderson: That's our show,
thank you so much for listening.
I especially want to thank our
VIP patrons, Alex Magaña, Charise
Carlson, Dan Ott, Luce Carter,
Richard Stephens, and Todd Barnett.
Your support helps make it possible
for me to do the work that I do.
If you want to support the show,
you can go to patreon.com/jessej
or you can also help the show by
leaving a review on Apple Podcasts
or the podcast player of your choice.
Full show notes and transcripts
are available at adhdnerds.com.