Streets of Rome

"Ave. What do you have there?"

"I perceived a dire problem with our city streets, my Lord. Poop!"

With great problems come great solutions. A meeting with one of the city's great inventors creates an air of change, of opportunity....of bad puns.

Credits:

Nate Gothard as Caesar                
Hester van der Vyver as Sensus and Cleo’s Mum                
Thomas Taufan as Phatinias, Voice, and Guard                
Linda Chong as Intercom 

Written by Mike Jones and Iley Jones
Produced by Bass Mike Studios and Iris Lantern

What is On the Roman Nose?

Turning back the pages of history, In the yesteryears of time, there once was an empire that was mightier than any before and held land greater than any since. A culture rich in architecture, education and art, but there is so little remaining of the Great Khan's dynasty that we can't make fun of it. So to Ancient Rome instead!

Here we join Lord Caesar and his loyal assistant, confidant and friend, Senator Sensus in the famed marble palace, facing diplomatic issues, comedic characters and the burden of leadership.

From the mixed bag of stories in Getting You Home On Friday, On the Roman Nose is slapstick happy, witty, and full of humour in a collection of short and sweet episodes.

(On the Roman Nose, Episode Eleven, Streets of Rome)

THEME SONG: ROMAN MILITARY STYLE DRUMS WITH A FLOURISH OF HORNS.

VOICE: And now, to Rome!!

THUNDER AND RAIN WHICH CONTINUES IN BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT.

CAESAR: Ah, what a lovely day, Sensus.

SENSUS: Indeed, my lord?

CAESAR: My mother-in-law leaves today.

SENSUS: Cleopatra's mother?

CAESAR: Indeed! Romulus and Remus may well have been raised by a she-wolf but my Gods, I am sure
she was raised by something far more reptilian.

CLEO'S MUM: (DISTANT) I heard that!

CAESAR: (WHISPERING) Damn! Ears like a mule.

SENSUS: She hears well?

CAESAR: That too. Anyway Sensus, what do we have for today?

SENSUS: Your chief scientist craves an audience with you.

CAESAR: Phatinias Intellectus?

SENSUS: Yes my Lord.

CAESAR: Oh no...

SENSUS: Oh yes!

CAESAR: You know how this goes, don't you?

SENSUS: I do, Caesar. He creates something remotely useful and comes up with an appalling name
based loosely, on a very poor pun.

CAESAR: Precisely. Do you remember his last invention?

SENSUS: The water draining toilet.

CAESAR: Yes. He called it "Flushed with Pride".

SENSUS: Hard to forget. Shall I call him?

CAESAR: Oh, very well.

SENSUS: (CALLING OUT) Call Phatinias Intellectus!

GUARD: (DISTANT) Call Phatinias Intellectus!

INTERCOM: (OVER PA) Fat arsed intellect, fat arsed intellect please report to Lord Caesar.

DOOR OPENS, WHEELS AND FOOTSTEPS GETTING CLOSER.

SENSUS: Shall I fix...

CAESAR: No, I quite liked that one.

PHATINIAS: Ave, Caesar!

CAESAR: Ave. What do you have there?

PHATINIAS: I perceived a dire problem with our city streets, my Lord.

CAESAR: They are well cobbled and wide.

PHATINIAS: Poop Caesar!

CAESAR: Off to the lions!

SENSUS: Forgive me, my Lord, but I think he meant excrement on the streets.

CAESAR: Oh, really?

PHATINIAS: Yes, yes, my Lord. Horse poop, to be precise. This machine will clean up our streets,
making the pavements spotless by plucking the poop that many a pony can produce.

SENSUS: Nice alliteration.

CAESAR: Indeed. But it seems like an ordinary chariot, Phatinias.

PHATINIAS: Why thank you, Caesar.

SENSUS: Phatinias, I don't think that was a compliment.

PHATINIAS: Oh yes, yes, right, the difference is that this chariot has several major modifications.

CAESAR: Which are?

PHATINIAS: Yes, yes. I have achieved brushes under here and lowered the axle to be closer to the
event horizon.

SENSUS: He means the road, Caesar.

CAESAR: Ah right. Go on.

PHATINIAS: The brushes spin in such a way as to scoop up whatever is on the road and flick it into
this bag here.

CAESAR: Well, this seems a very useful invention. I hate to ask, but have you come up with a sensible
name for it?

PHATINIAS: Sensible?

CAESAR: Yes Phatinias. I really do like some of your inventions but the names are dreadful.

SENSUS: They are awful puns.

PHATINIAS: (AS IF FOUND OUT) Oh, you know my secret!

CAESAR: So what do you call this new invention of yours?

PHATINIAS: This modified cart that brushes very close to the road?

CAESAR: Oh dear, here it comes.

PHATINIAS: (CHUCKLES) Swing low sweep chariot!

SWING LOW, SWEEP CHARIOT “COMING FOR TO CARRY ME HOME” PLAYS
SOFTLY.

CAESAR: Not bad....

SENSUS: Catchy even... I thought it would be worse.

PHATINUS: Thank you, my Lord!

CAESAR: Well off you go and invent something else.

PHATINIAS: I will! Ave Lord Caesar, Senator Sensus.

CAESAR: Ave.

WHEELS AND FOOTSTEPS, THEN DOOR CLOSING.

CAESAR: Well that went better than expected.

SENSUS: And your mother-in-law leaves today.

CAESAR: Oh, It just keeps getting better.

CLEO'S MUM: (DISTANT) I heard that!

CAESAR: Damn...

THEME OUT.

END

Copyright by Mike Jones and Iley Jones