Closet of Past Selves

Episode explores the strange experience of cleaning out a closet before a major life transition and realizing it holds a timeline of identity, growth, reinvention, and survival. From unrefined beginnings to a carefully curated sense of self, this piece reflects on style, memory, womanhood, loss, and returning to self after years of trying to fit into spaces that never truly fit back.

A reflection on the versions of ourselves we outgrow, the pieces we keep, and the realization that our essence was never in the clothes to begin with.

What is My Inner Musings?

My Inner Musings is a space for the thoughts we often keep to ourselves.
I talk out loud about life, relationships, change, and the patterns we notice as we grow.
These are real reflections from a lived life, shared with honesty, humour, and curiosity.
Nothing is polished. Nothing is solved.
Just honest musings, spoken in real time.

 I cleaned out my closet today and saw how many versions of myself I got to meet again.

As I stood at the intersection of who I was, how far I've come, and how I got here versus who I'm becoming.

Life offered up an opportunity. One that will test my identity and shed many of the layers temporarily.

The closet was a good space.

All the memories and pieces I was holding onto for possible future outcomes. That one dinner, that date that may come. The other pieces that have stood the test of times through COVID and all the other things through the constant life purges, but that felt. Important enough to keep.

Now I'm on the precipice of something that's going to be stripping me of my clothing identity for the most part.

It's curious to think of which one of these pieces that I'm going to keep, which ones are still going to be part of me when I return. There's an was an interesting feeling going through all the pieces that created this version of me that currently exists. I saw the girl. When I moved in here, didn't have much of a refined style.

Over time. She slowly curated pieces. Well, some of them served her well. Some of those shoes remained in boxes. She never wore them, but held on. Other times I evolved as my style kept changing.

I have friends that'll tell you that when they met me, I couldn't really do makeup. It didn't have too much style, and now the woman I've become has a very distinct sense of style and who she is now displayed in a timeline that is sitting in my closet that I'm getting to revisit, wondering if I would return to fit in the same old.

Each one of those versions was built lair upon lair life, gave her the canvas to play. Dress up again and define her identity. Some of those pieces are timeless. Others were phases from various parts of my life and roles. I played various interests that no longer align with the version of who I am. While I suspect, as I'm quite classic in my tastes, I'll slide back in mostly on a physical level and taste level.

Mentally having grown that version will be somewhat of a mystery.

No matter what, she always had a unique eye for style, a little bit of an edge, and she's kept that and refined it, built it over time, and took something that was part of her amusing and whimsy and turned it into something timeless that is her signature. I stared at the shoes today, which became part of my signature.

Some for more extravagant outings, which I don't see much of in these parts anymore. My life of travel in other cities allowed me to explore that identity. Some of them came with, remember when others were waiting for their moment to shine. Some were steadfast and old standbys, which will be a forever favorite.

I looked at the seasons and phases. The pieces I had accumulate when trying to adapt to certain parts of my life with new interests or surroundings.

One thing stood out in that my timeless taste and unique eye will serve me well in the future, or as my son would say, future me will. Thank you for saving those.

My closet became a bit of a curated room where I could play dress up as I didn't. When I didn't know how as a child to explore the pieces of me that I wanted to try on, but never fully embraced.

Thank God for some of that. Who doesn't love a nineties grad dress? Right?

I got rid of that a long time ago.

Over the years, I've purged as my needs as a person and also in life. For example, COVID left little room to be fashionable, living in a small town with nowhere to go.

Others I held onto as my identity and weight fluctuated. We all have those pieces, right? Some were reminders of how I had let myself down over the last two years.

I'd given up my identity to fit someone else's mold.

I was incredibly unhappy and felt as though I had let myself go.

Today as I stood here. Neither of those things. I had made a full return to self, embraced my unique fancy style, and continued to enjoy the woman and the wardrobe. I had spent years curating now to pack it up in boxes, sell the remainder, and give it all up to explore a different side.

I had struggled with part of this at some point. Keeping a little bit of my essence while remaining neutral in uniform territory, then a friend candidly reminded me, your essence is you, and you'll carry it with you no matter where you go.

Closet emptied, neutral, wardrobe intact. What version of myself will I meet in six months when I return to these pieces?

I know she will keep her keen eye, unique taste that has followed her everywhere.

Will any of this really matter when she returns, as I believe this is the stepping stone to a much greater long-term journey, and the beginning is leaving room for her to strip away most of these layers so she can expand her horizons later.

The closet was a reminder of how much she had grown. How far she's come in her identity, and also that they're just things.

As I leave the remainder of her identity in suitcases and boxes.

Knowing I've been preparing for this journey over a lifetime, I can't wait to see how the new version fits, when she returns,

The knowledge and wisdom she possesses can't be put in the pocket of a jacket.