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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Hi there, and welcome to an episode of Rise Up Live, joy your way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for taking some time to hang out here with me. So I want you to imagine this. You're in high school or starting college and someone starts texting you. They make you laugh and they send you emojis and they say you're different from everyone else, and it feels super exciting and your phone lights up and you suddenly feel seen and wanted and maybe even special.
But then things shift. They get upset if you don't text back [00:01:00] right away. Or they comment on who you've been hanging out with, or they make a joke about you in a group chat that stings more than it makes you laugh. If they ask for your location or check where you are on snap maps and when you try to pull back, they guilt you with if you really cared, you'd.
Does any of that sound familiar? Relationships in your teens and early adulthood aren't just practice runs. They are laying down the wiring for how you'll experience trust, respect, boundaries, and love in the future, and the patterns you accept. Now, whether good or bad do truly tend to repeat. So today I wanna talk about red flags and green flags in teen and young adult relationships.
Whether you're in one, want to be in one, or you're the parent or educator listening to help young people in your life, this conversation really does matter. The stakes are high because early awareness is everything. When you're younger. Relationships can feel like everything a text can make or break your day.
A breakup can feel like the. End of your world. And because emotions are so strong, it's easy to miss the [00:02:00] early warning signs that something is actually really off and could be potentially dangerous. And ignoring those red flags doesn't just risk heartbreak. It actually risks your emotional and mental health, your self-esteem, your sense of identity, and could be physical, a physical risk as well.
Teens who feel controlled. Humiliated or constantly anxious in a relationship, often carry that into adulthood, believing that that's normal. And on the other hand, experiencing green flags. You know, respect, encouragement, and safety actually builds resilience. And it teaches you what healthy love actually can look like and feel like.
And once you felt it, you're far less likely to settle for less. So let's talk some specifics. Here are some common red flags contextualized for what teens and young adults face every single day. So love bombing through screens. At first, it may feel amazing constant texts and endless compliments over the top declarations like you're my soulmate, maybe even in a week's time.
But when love grows too fast online or over [00:03:00] text, it often is about control. It's less about knowing you, and it's more about actually hooking you and bringing you in possessiveness. They get upset when you spend time with your friends perhaps, or your teammates, or they make comments like, why do you even hang out with them?
They might even suggest that you block certain people off of your social media. So that tends to control an owning they guilt trip. You say no to hanging out or no to a party, or no to something that you're not comfortable with, and suddenly you are the bad guy. And so it's really important to pay attention.
If no always turns into drama, that could be a problem. They ask to see your phone, right? Or they wanna see your phone, your dms, your texts, your streaks, your private snaps. They say, if you have nothing to hide, why can't I look at it? But privacy isn't about hiding. It's actually about trust and respect.
You might notice that they're tracking you. They might check your Snap maps or they might insist that you guys share locations with Find My Friends, or they might want you to be in your life 360 [00:04:00] Circle and they're constantly checking though. Like there's one thing about being in that for a safety perspective, but I'm talking about when you're sharing that and then they're constantly checking up on where you are and then saying like, well, I see you're here, but you're not here.
Or, why did you go here? That constant monitoring is not about trust at that point. It's about control. Uh, another one is public shaming or humiliation. Maybe they make a joke about you in a group chat or they post something embarrassing on social media or they roast you in front of your friends and then brush it off with relax.
It's just a joke. Um, don't take it so seriously. When they're dismissing your feelings, that also is a red flag. Another one, it is social media control. They get mad about who liked your photo or who commented on your post, or they question you about somebody's comment on a post. Or they'll say things like, why haven't you posted about me?
Uh, they might even demand all of your passwords. Again, that's not love. That's surveillance and control. Another one is the silent treatment and ghosting. You know, one day they're texting you nonstop and then [00:05:00] suddenly they vanish trying to punish you, or maybe leaving you on red, for instance. That's manipulation.
And then of course, ultimatums and pressure. If you loved me, you'd fill in the blank with whatever. Um, send me a picture or lie to your parents, or, you know, fill in the blank. Those again are red flags. Another one to pay attention to is hot and cold behavior. One day they're obsessed with you and they're love bombing you, and then the next day they're being very dismissive or distant.
That rollercoaster is instability, and that is also a red flag. So let's talk about what some green flags could be. 'cause I do wanna talk about positives as well, because while it's important to recognize red flags, it's equally important to recognize when things are going well and what healthy relationships look like.
So the first one would be respect for boundaries. You know, when you say no, they accept it. They don't question it. They don't ask you to justify or explain it. They just say, okay, understood. Support for your independence. They actually cheer you [00:06:00] on for your own goals. You know, they, they want you to have your own hobbies and your own friendships and to do your own thing.
Honest communication. They talk about how they feel instead of making you guess or making you jump through hoops. Um, and they listen to your feelings as well. They trust you without constant monitoring. They don't need your passwords. They don't need to track you every second of the day on snap maps.
They just trust what you say because that's what we do in healthy relationships and there is accountability. If they mess up, they own it. There's no twisting it back on you. No, it's your, you know, it's your fault and get mad. It's just true self accountability and there's, you can have conflict without chaos.
You know, you guys can disagree and they can disagree with you without ghosting you or giving you the silent treatment or punishing you, and they wanna talk things through. Another really healthy green flag is consistency. Their words are matching their actions. You don't feel this whiplash. They say one thing, but they do something else and they treat you well in private and in public.
There are no shady comments online and they're not tra tearing you down or they're not. [00:07:00] Being one way in public and then suddenly behind closed doors or treating you a different way. You know when there's consistency, that's a sign of healthy relationship and they give you space to breathe. You don't have to text them 24 7 to prove that you care.
They respect your need for space. They respect your need for your own family time, or to hang out with your own friends. And then also encouragement. They celebrate your wins and comfort you and your losses. They wanna see you thrive. So I want you to think about this. How do I usually feel after hanging out with the person that you're in a relationship with?
Do you feel like you are your real self with them, or do you feel like you have to perform in order to keep them happy? Does this person respect your no. Without making you feel guilty? Are you excited to share good news with them? Or do you kind of hold back because maybe you're a little bit afraid of their reaction?
Do you feel safe with them? Both online and offline. I'm talking about, and if you are a parent or an educator, if you're listening to this and it, I want you to, to just really. Take [00:08:00] away, uh, the fact that teens need our support. They don't need us to tell them something is wrong, because often they will defend their relationship, even the unhealthy ones.
They need us to be willing to be with them and to support them and to hear them and to then reflect back to them so they have the opportunity to have a conversation. We need to sit without judgment. We need to validate their feelings, and we need to work on keeping those lines of communication open because if we.
Close those lines of communication. Our teen and young adults do not have an outlet, and they feel isolated. When they're in these relationships and they recognize that it's toxic, they're gonna need us. And so it is so important that we keep those lines of communication open. We have to create a safe space for our teens and young adults to share.
We need to avoid yelling and ultimatums, or, I told you so that shuts down. Their desire to have honest communication with us, we absolutely need to put a focus on validating their emotions. We might not understand why they feel so [00:09:00] strongly. About somebody. But we need to acknowledge that those feelings are real.
They're real for them. And you know, we are encouraging independence and we need to make them, we need to allow them to make choices, but we also need to allow them to make choices in a safe way. But if we're stripping away that connection, then they're more likely to potentially make unsafe choices. So we reinforce their strengths.
We point out what makes them amazing, instead of tearing them down by their choices. And it is so important to seek professional help if you really need it. You know, therapists and coaches can absolutely help teens and young adults rebuild and recover after Healthy Dynamics. The goal is not to control our teens and young adults.
It's to really help them. Build self-trust, and that's really the core at any age. The heart of all of this is having self-trust. Relationships just aren't about how someone else treats you. We can't really trust someone else until we trust ourself. So it really is about. Building that up first and foremost.
And when you're young, it is so tempting to [00:10:00] think that drama equals passion or that chaos means love, but real love is actually steady and consistent and it leaves you feeling calmer and not more anxious. And the earlier that you learn this, the stronger your relationships are gonna be. Red flags are warning signs.
They're not things to brush off. Green flags are the blueprint for healthy love, and you absolutely deserve relationships now at whatever age you're at. You deserve healthy relationships. You deserve relationships that see you. Now. If you are a teen or young adult and you feel like coaching could be helpful in supporting you either through a difficult relationship or working through the aftermath of one, I encourage you to feel free to reach out to me anytime@coachwithKamini.com.
And if you are a parent or an educator, remember first of all the way that you respond. Is going to build connection and build a relationship between the two of you. So lead with listening, not lecturing because it's so important that we learn to recognize the difference between red flags and green flags.[00:11:00]
And if you are a parent or an educator and wanna discuss how you can help. Teens or young adults in your life, uh, recognize those red and green flags in relationships. Also, feel free to reach out to me at any time. I'm happy to have a conversation about that. And until next time, stay well.