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Tap to send me your reflections ♡ I can’t take credit for today’s title - it came from Anton, as he was listening to me reflect on something from my past. (He’s good with words!) The concept of SYSTEMIC behaviours, beliefs, attitudes etc is part of my training. They're something I look for to support clients in understanding what’s informing their experience of the life they live. Through coaching we can gain sight of the SYSTEMS we’ve been part of in the past / are still part of. And we ...
Tap to send me your reflections ♡
I can’t take credit for today’s title - it came from Anton, as he was listening to me reflect on something from my past. (He’s good with words!)
The concept of SYSTEMIC behaviours, beliefs, attitudes etc is part of my training. They're something I look for to support clients in understanding what’s informing their experience of the life they live.
Through coaching we can gain sight of the SYSTEMS we’ve been part of in the past / are still part of. And we can support ourselves in disentangling from the threads that bind us to the patterns we’ve adopted, inherited or adapted to - so we can make the changes we desire.
This is a theme you may have noticed runs through many of these podcast episodes - overtly and discretely - so today, in the last of this series, I thought we’d spend a little time exploring the idea of the systems AND, specifically what Systemic Rebellion may mean to you.
To join the Affirmation Practice event on 11 November 2022 3pm-4.15pm (GMT)
https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/affirmation-practice-tickets-445311246927
***
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Henny shares insights from her own life, alongside practices that help us connect with our inner wisdom, explore our relationship with change and find a greater sense of flow. Henny believes we all hold our own answers, so there are no one-size-fits-all solutions here. This is a space to be with what’s true for you, and to grow from there.
If you’re drawn to slowing down, listening in, and exploring what it means to live with greater authenticity, this podcast is for you. Guided by psychology, mindfulness, therapeutic coaching, flow journaling, and everyday compassion, we explore ideas that help us step further into our inner worlds, in order to shape the changes we seek in our outer worlds.
Henny Flynn: I can't take the
credit for today's title. It
actually came from Anton, as he
was listening to me reflect on
something from my past. And I'm
going to share that story with
you. Anton is very good with
words, I just want to call that
out and honour it. So this idea
of the systemic rebellion.
Before I kind of dive into that,
just to talk a little bit about
the kind of systemic behaviours,
it's part of my training. It's
something that I look for to
support clients in understanding
what's driving their behaviours
and beliefs, and attitudes and
mindset and motivations and
desires and all of those things.
And through coaching, we can
gain sight of the systems that
we've been part of in the past.
And I'm going to talk a bit more
about how we can notice these,
and the systems that we're still
part of. And through this
practice of coaching, certainly
one of the things that I find
with my clients is that through
coaching together, we can
disentangle ourselves from the
threads that bind us to the
patterns that we've adopted,
inherited or adapted to, through
the course of our life. And
often, of course, they begin
very, very young age. So this
idea of systemic behaviours,
it's a theme. And you might have
noticed that this theme runs
through many of these podcast
episodes overtly and more
discreetly. So today, in the
last of this current series,
series, eight, I'm still quite
astonished that, you know, this
is where we are. In Episode 10,
of series eight, I thought we'd
spend a little time exploring
the idea of the systems were
part of, and, you know, see what
that raises for you. And, and
also to explore what systemic
rebellion may mean to you. So,
the easiest way that I've heard
it was from one of my teachers,
to think about the systems that
we've been part of this systemic
experience that we have gathered
through our lives, is to imagine
that behind you is this glorious
peacocks tail. And if you've
ever coached with me, you'll
probably be familiar with this
metaphor that I'm sharing. So or
analogy, whatever, whichever
word it is. So we can imagine
that we've got this beautiful
peacocks tail behind us. And
every eye in that tail is a
system that you've been part of.
And every person has a tail has
this glorious peacocks tail. So
if you just imagine for a moment
that all the people that you're
going to interact with today,
and all the people you've ever
interacted with, and all the
people you're ever going to
interact with, carry this
glorious peacocks tail, that
represents all of the systems
that they've ever been part of.
And it represents all of the
systems that they are still part
of, or that still have an
influence on them in some way.
Because each of the systems that
we've ever interacted with, that
we've ever participated in, they
influence us in some way, some
profoundly, and some with a very
light touch. And, of course, we
keep adding the eyes to our
peacocks tail, as we mature as
we go through life as we become
part of other systems. So every
friendship group, every team at
work, every class you were ever
in at school, every sports club,
every Facebook group you're part
of, is essentially a system. A
system is a group of people,
that starts to adopt a certain
set of behaviours, attitudes,
beliefs, patterns. And our
family system is the densest,
deepest, oldest system. And it's
the only one that we can never
actually leave. So we might
choose to run away to the
circus, but our blood line and
that route back to our earliest
caregivers will still stay with
us. So even if we put a big
geographical stands between us
and our, our family system. It's
still, the threads are still
there, and they always will be.
Other systems, we can leave, we
can resolve
whatever little threads might be
binding us to it, we can resolve
those, and we can leave that
system. And of course, with the
family system, we can do an
awful lot of work to resolve the
threads that might be binding us
to certain behaviours. And
that's one of the things or
attitudes, beliefs. And that's
one of the things I want to talk
about today, this idea of
systemic rebellion. So
disentangling the threads that
bind us to the rules, we want to
call it that of the systems
we've been part of, can be an
act of deep bravery, and
courage. And it really requires
self compassion. I mean, like,
you know, major surprise, I
brought that to him so early in
this episode, but it really
does. You know, it's incredibly
difficult to enact deep change,
if we don't first adopt an
attitude of compassion, because
we can find ourselves just
falling into self criticism, you
know, that inner critic gets
very active, we can start to
doubt whether or not we're doing
the right thing, whether or not
we're making too much of
something, whatever it might be.
So making sure that we always
embrace this attitude of
compassion, when we're doing
this deep change is so
important. And disentangling
these threads that bind us to
the system's, it might involve
breaking free of some old
patterns, things that perhaps
we've been blithely unaware of,
until we bring our most
compassionate self awareness to
the scene, and look at it with
new eyes. And in fact, look upon
the eyes of our peacocks tail
with these very compassionate
gaze. So what does all this
mean, in real practical terms, I
mean, there are so many sort of
sick, there's so much to say
about this topic of systemic
pattern, systemic behaviours,
systemic systems. But this is
just kind of one approach that
came to me when I was thinking
about this for today. So it's
very likely we're going to
revisit this topic. And if
there's anything that comes up
for you that you feel, gosh,
it'd be really great to
understand more about this
aspect of it, please do let me
know. And you know, you never
know, I might do an episode
based on that. So I'd love to
hear from you. You can just
message me, Henny at Henny
flynn.co.uk. And likewise,
actually, if you aren't yet on
the mailing list, and you'd like
to be like to get the heads up,
when these new episodes go out,
when there are bonus episodes of
the podcast, you'd like to hear
about events, other things that
are happening within the
community, then come and join
the mailing list, just come to
the website, Henny flynn.co.uk,
and just stick your email
address in the box and and join
up it would be lovely to have
you part of here, part of here,
part of this place. So what does
this whole idea of systemic
rebellion mean in real practical
terms? So I mentioned at the top
that this phrase was prompted by
something that I was talking
about with Anton and he
described my behaviour as a
systemic rebellion. And what I
was talking to him about was my
reflection of how grateful I am
still, that I stopped smoking
when I did and, you know, gosh,
it still astonishes me that I
ever smoked. And if you've
listened to lots of episodes
here, you may well have heard
this story before. But just in
case you haven't. Here it is
briefly. And I'm sharing this
from the position of
understanding this idea of
systemic behaviours. So this is
quite a few years ago now my
mother was dying. And I knew
that if I didn't address my
smoking habit effectively, I
didn't smoke all the time, but I
smoked whenever I had a glass of
wine
and So I recognised that if I
didn't address it effectively, I
was going to use that behaviour.
In fact, those two behaviours,
but smoking was the one that I
really wanted to address, I was
going to use it as a stick to
beat myself with. I recognised
that it was going to become a
crutch to help inverted commas
help me cope with the immediate
and future grief, I was feeling
at how ill she was. And it would
be a way to hurt myself even
more, almost to reinforce the
pain of that grief. And, you
know, it's very human to do that
we often hurt ourselves through
self sabotage, when things in
our lives are particularly
challenging. You know, we can
imagine this when we think of
the person who wants to lose
weight, because it makes them
feel unhappy, but reaches for
the biscuits as a way to sue the
stress, they feel about how
unhappy they're feeling. So it
becomes this vicious cycle of
behaviour. And I recognise that
smoking was going to start to be
that tool, that unhelpful tool
for me. So I got hypnotised. And
it worked, thank goodness. But
in the process that highlighted
something I had never realised
before. And it was that I
associated smoking, with love,
and with fun. And all my family
bar, my eldest brother and the
youngest of four, smoked, and my
parents were both absolutely
okay when I got caught smoking
at school. And in fact, enjoyed
it when I was able to sit at a
bar with them. When I was 15. A
hotel, it was a hotel bar in
Amsterdam. I was 15 looking 18
And I had a cigarette while
drinking a gente. And they just
saw it as me having a rite of
passage into adulthood and
enjoyed my company at the bar.
And you can imagine it also made
me feel like I belonged, make me
feel like a grown up, blah,
blah, blah. Another aspect of
smoking for me was that my dad
taught me to roll cigarettes
when I was five. Just gonna say
that again. My dad taught me to
roll cigarettes when I was five.
I mean, this was the 70s. So
acknowledge that. So I could
make them for him on long car
journeys, when the rest of the
family was fast asleep. And I
remember that experience as a
really special time. When I had
his attention all to myself, you
know, it's nighttime, the rest
of the family, it was all quite
noisy. In my family as I was
growing up, everyone else was
fast asleep, there was no music
on it was just him, the
headlights on a open road. And
me squeezed between the two
front seats, because it's the
70s and there's no seatbelts
rolling up cigarettes for him
balanced on the armrest between
the two front passenger, you
know, the passenger seat and the
driver's seat. And, and I was
able to do something for him,
that made him grateful to me,
and it felt very special to me.
The other aspect about smoking
is that my parents love to party
smoking and drinking all utterly
entangled with laughter and loud
music and dancing. So there's a
lot there, there are a lot of
threads that tie me to this
behaviour of smoking. And this
systemic pattern of smoking in
my family was laid down from a
really early age, and it kept
getting reinforced. So as an
adult, I smoked not just because
I was addicted to the nicotine,
which obviously I was, but also
because I was addicted to all
the familial and emotional
references that were contained
within it. And we can
extrapolate this idea out to so
many of our behaviours, that
when we look at them, and we see
what is it that is attached to
that behaviour. That means that
we are attached to the familial,
systemic emotional references
that are contained within it.
And it might be a behaviour it
might be a thought pattern, it
might be a belief system. It
might be an emotional state that
we are essentially addicted to,
because we're so attached to it.
So give weighing up smoking
meant breaking free of something
that kept me loyal to my family
system. And I was enacting a
rebellion when I stopped. And it
was only really when Anton
called this out this week when
he used that word rebellion. I
was like, wow, God, it really
was. I mean, I recognise, I
recognise that I was
disentangling myself, I
recognise that I was, in fact,
detaching myself. But that word
Rebellion has really resonated
with me. And I say it with like,
like, it's such a kind of
loving, compassionate rebellion,
you know, a radical behaviour.
That meant that there was this
ability within me to detach
myself and create a change that
I really, really wanted to make.
And, and what's interesting here
is that we, I think we can get
even greater sight of when it is
a systemic rebellion, when we
see how the system wants to keep
pulling us back. So even when I
did stop, various family
members, including my parents
would offer me cigarettes. And
they did it out of their own
attachment to the systemic
conditioning that smoking
represented. You know, I say
this without judgement, without
rancour, I say it with love.
They were attached to that
system just as I had been. And
they wanted me to feel part of
the system, they wanted me to
belong to the system in the same
way that they did, because in
that we all belonged to each
other. So it came from love. And
just want to do a slight caveat
here as well. I also suspect
that it was driven from the
place of wanting me to be the
same as them. So often, when
someone breaks free from
systemic behaviour from a group
behaviour, it can feel to those
still inside that group, that
there is an implied criticism of
them, when we stopped doing the
thing that they're still doing.
But that is a whole episode for
another day. That's many
episodes, I suspect. So another
brief example of this idea of
systemic rebellion, for me comes
from the workplace, and I'm
sharing these really to kind of
just see like, what kind of
thoughts it sparks for you. So
as I share the code, the actual
kind of stories don't really
matter that much, because that's
just my story. But as you
listen, just see if there's like
a little inkling of something
that comes up for you have a
system that you recognise you're
attached to, or a behaviour that
you recognise comes from a
system that you've been, or are
part of. So I've talked before
about what I see is the badge of
honour, that people who are
stressed often were, so they'll
use language like I am so
stressed, I've got no time,
things are really crazy right
now. But they do very little to
change it. And again, I say that
with so much love, and without
judgement, because when we're
inside that feeling, it can feel
impossible to see what can be
done, you know, the woods and
the trees. Metaphor comes up
strongly here. And you know, and
I recognise that it's definitely
where I have been at various
points in my life, you know, for
a lot of my working life, you
know, wearing that badge of
honour of stress. And we learn
this badge, you know, we learn
how to attach this badge to
ourselves, from others, often.
Maybe from people who are more
senior than us, we learn how to
respond to challenging
situations at work, we learn it
from them.
We might bring old learned
behaviours from other systems,
of course, that we've been part
of. So for example, maybe at
school, you were expected to be
a high achiever. And that
brought its own stress values
with it that you were seen to be
putting in lots and lots of
effort. And, and with that can
come stress and that can get
rewarded. And so we carry this
idea that stress is a good
thing. Or perhaps you were told
you weren't working hard enough.
You weren't achieving your
potential. And of course, that
can massively induce stress as
well. It brings a stress
response or we learn In that we
ought to be more anxious about
stuff rather than feeling okay
about it. So the causes and the
roots of this, this badge of
honour of stress are myriad. And
the impact is that when
something happens, for example,
in the workplace, you get asked
to deliver a piece of work
earlier than you were was
originally planned. Or you're
suddenly told you have to
present to a group of your peers
with no time to prepare, or
someone doesn't listen properly,
when you're explaining something
that you're finding challenging.
These can all induce the stress
response. And the systems you've
been part of are what will
inform what that stress response
is, and the degree to which it
affects you. So for me, all
three of those examples that I
just shared, would trigger a
high stress response in my old
workplaces, that I had to learn
to hide or I did learn to hide.
But that all took its toll. And
my rebellion, my systemic
rebellion was actually in
learning the techniques to
counteract that stress response,
learning how to unpin that badge
of stress honour that I had
learnt to wear, and put it down.
So in a high stress environment
in a senior corporate role, it
can be highly unusual, or at
least for me, it felt highly
unusual to not respond in those
old stress triggered ways. And
by radically transforming my
internal response. So I was no
longer trigger activated by the
things that used to really throw
me, I was able to disentangle
myself from the other aspects of
those systemic conditions, and
ultimately found a way to feel
calm, and kind and clear. In an
environment where when things
got really challenging, I had
felt lost, unheard and angry.
And actually, those words calm,
kind and clear, became a mantra
for me. I think I've said this
before as well. They became an
affirmation for me that I used
all the time. I would say each
morning, when I was on the
train, travelling into London, I
would just say I am calm, kind
and clear. When I was put into
a, you know, before going into a
meeting that I knew my trigger,
activate me, I would put my hand
on my heart. And I would remind
myself, I am calm, kind and
clear. It was something that
accompanied me for the last two
years of my corporate career, as
I learned the techniques that I
practice now. And it was
incredibly powerful, because it
just kept bringing me home, it
kept bringing me back to this
knowledge that actually the
state I wanted to be in was
feeling calm, kind and clear.
What I didn't want to do was
participate in the systemic
behaviours that I was seeing
played out all around me. And
that was my rebellion. That was
my systemic rebellion. And it
was a beautiful, gentle, calm,
kind, clear, compassionate
thing. And actually, this whole
thing around affirmations, I'm
running an event on the 11th of
November. So if you're listening
to this podcast on in the week
that it comes out, there is
still time to come and join us
and I'll put a link in the notes
for the show for the episode.
It's just an hour and a quarter
on Friday, the 11th of November
from three to 415. And we'll be
having a chat around
affirmations around why they're
useful for our system, a little
bit of some of the research
that's been done around them.
And mainly we'll have a practice
of creating your own affirmation
and really using it in a
meditative state. So really
beautiful way to cool down after
your week and relax into your
weekend. And if you can't make
it on the actual day register
for it because I will share the
URL share the recording with
you. So do come along. It would
be wonderful to see them. We've
got lots of people signed up on
Ready. So back to systemic
rebellion I think there are a
number of questions here. In
fact, actually, there's one more
example that I just want to
share. You know, if you find
that you are the person that
other people always come to, to
fix their problems. If you find
that you're the one who always
steps in when something needs
doing, then that is very likely
to be a systemic behaviour,
possibly something that you
learned as a child. Maybe you've
something you've learned at
school or in friendship groups,
when you gently extricate
yourself from that role, and
it's important that we don't do
these things. Often, it's
important that we don't do these
things that suddenly, sometimes
we need to just cut it. But
generally speaking, I'm a fan of
moving gently. We gently
extricate ourselves from that
role of family fixer friendship,
you know, fixer. Then you're
enabling others, to learn how to
care more fully for their own
needs, you're actually
empowering them in how to look
after themselves, and you are
enacting a systemic rebellion,
you are releasing their reliance
on you. And that means that
you're also releasing your
reliance on the the behaviour
that you might be really
entangled in, you might find
that you're identifying yourself
as the one who always has the
answer as the one who's always
able to fix everything. And
actually, that is a systemic
behaviour. So if that resonates,
or if any of the things I've
said resonate, just take a
moment and just see, okay, what
is really going on here? Is this
really into service of others?
And is it really into service of
myself? If I keep reenacting
this pattern? Or is there a
rebellion here, that would
actually be more of more
service? So I think there are a
number of questions. One is,
what of this resonates with you?
We are all part of systems that
there's nothing we can do about
it. We all carry the peacocks
tail, we have all interacted
with other humans in some degree
or other. And so we are all part
of the systems that get created
when humans gather. So what of
this resonates? What are the
thoughts, reflections, glimpses
of memory, bright shards of
light, that have shown up as
I've been speaking, and this can
be a really beautiful thing to
note down to, you know, even
just to note down to reflect on
later, perhaps to journal about
if you're part of the journaling
quest, this might be a really
beautiful thing to extend your
journaling practice into? Or
does none of it resonate. And
and if that's the case, then
there's room for reflection
there to just maybe step back
and see, well, what systems Am I
part of? Maybe Maybe it's all
entirely so healthy without any
entanglement? You know, that's
obviously entirely possible. So
we don't have to look for
problems where there aren't any.
And, and I think there are
questions here around what are
the acts of systemic rebellion
that you've already put into
place in your life, you know,
that this whole podcast episode
has been inspired by a
reflection on a systemic
rebellion that I put into place
almost unknowing? Well, yeah,
unknowingly, unwittingly, eight
years ago. So what are the acts
of systemic rebellion that
you've already put into place in
your life and there will be some
I suspect there will be some how
have you stepped away from
behaviours that were always
thought the norm in your family
system? Maybe things that people
have been repeating for
generations, that can be a
really lovely one to allow to
percolate. You know, what's the
stuff for me one of the ones
that I have noticed for me is
attitudes about money, they can
often be very strong systemic
attitude. And I recognise that
there are things that I've
inherited said from both sides
of my grandparents, stories,
messages that have come through
to me around money that have
then informed the, the attitude
that I have. And some of the
fears I have around money or
money is like is a is a rich
topic, are some of the things
that I've needed to address in
the way that I feel think about
money? So what are the what are
the systemic attitudes or
behaviours that were thought the
norm in your family system,
sometimes it can be about work
ethic, that's another really
classic one that can come
through the family system. Or
about beliefs around how you
know about marriage beliefs
around sort of relationships,
and how they should function
that can be a really strong
thing from the family system.
And then what are the threads
the bind you to systems still,
but perhaps you may have sense
could benefit from some
attention now. So they might be
systems from, you know, from old
teams that work or even from
school life or from friendship
groups or, or from sports clubs
that you were part of? You know,
are there any kind of systemic
patterns that you're seeing
getting played out in future
groups that you've then been
part of? And can you sort of
follow that thread back to where
it began? And just see, okay, so
what could benefit from some
attention now what's, what
systemic rebellion Can I enact
in the most beautiful, kind,
compassionate, generous, loving
way. And sometimes it's tiny
things, you know, and sometimes
they can feel huge. You know, an
example can be the person who
goes on to higher education when
they're the first in the family
to do so that can feel like a
systemic rebellion, particularly
if they haven't had the support.
Or it can feel like a systemic
rebellion when they have had the
support. So it doesn't need to
be a sort of a difficult thing,
it can know that rebellion can
be enacted from both ends of
that spectrum. Or choosing not
to become a doctor when everyone
in your family works in the
health service that can feel
like a systemic rebellion. But
the path that you choose might
not feel like something that is
difficult. But the that moment
where you make that choice to do
something that is different from
the expected norm, the expected
behaviour, the conditioning,
that comes within that system,
that's the thing that we can see
as a systemic rebellion. So, you
know, I've mentioned compassion
a lot today. And and, you know,
as we move on into the break
that comes between this series,
and Series Nine, which is on the
horizon, at some point, I'm
never really quite sure when
it's going to appear, but you
know, in a few weeks time, then
that word compassion, I just
want to sort of leave it here in
the ether around us and you
know, always always shining the
light of your love on others,
and shining the light of your
love on yourself, you know,
looking in that, that mirror and
allowing that love to reflect
back on you. Oh, gosh,
as ever, the hope there's been
something in here for you. And I
would love to hear your
reflections. And, you know, do
come along and join that
affirmation practice event on
the 11th. If you're not part of
the mailing list, come and join
the mailing list. There will be
other stuff that I'll share
between now and when the next
series starts. So if you don't
want to miss out on any of that
thing, come and join. And, and
if you want to explore coaching
with me, then booked in for a
discovery call. So these
discovery calls, they are an
hour, entirely devoted to you.
And it's an opportunity for you
and me to get to know each other
on a more one to one basis. And
for you to share what it is in
your life that you really sense
is asking for your compassionate
attention. What it is that you
sense needs some change around
the way that you're thinking
about it, acting within it. What
your mindset is, whatever it
might be. And it's an
opportunity for me to really
listen very, very deeply. And
then to reflect back to you,
where I see it might be
beneficial for us to work
together. And of course, if it
comes down to me, sensing that
we're not the right pairing,
then I'll share that as well.
Because this work of coaching
is, it's so it's so important
that we have this direct rapport
connection, that we feel that we
can really trust each other, in
order that you get the absolute
most out of the experience. And,
you know, I find, I find this
work so beautiful, and so
powerful. And I would really
love to speak with you and to
walk beside you for a while as
you're going through your own
process. And, yeah, there's a if
you want to book in for a
discovery conversation, then
again, have a look at the
website, Henny flynn.co.uk,
there's a link at the bottom of
the page, and just find a time
that works for you. And let's
have a chat. Okay, so, gosh,
it's always a bit weird when we
come to the end of a series, I
am going to be very honest, I
have this kind of mix of relief,
that that I don't need to keep
recreating an episode each week,
you know, can take that off my
list. Not that I have a list.
But I also sort of feel this,
you know, it's I want to really
honour this connection that I
feel with everyone who listens
and and to say, I really, really
look forward to being back here
with you again. And in the
meantime, if there's anything
that you need, just let me know.
All right, my darlings, okay. I
send you a hug and a wave