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Bless your heart is a conversation-style podcast centered around
coming-of-age and the struggles, fears and challenges young women encounter in a
pivotal time in their lives. As Scarlett and Carolina discuss their own experiences growing older, navigating healthcare, managing their time and becoming their own people, they make an effort to empathize with and inspire other young women who may be having similar experiences.
Hello, everyone, and welcome to Bless Your Heart, a podcast for the girls feeling a little overwhelmed as they navigate the freedoms and responsibilities of adulthood. I'm your host, Carolina.
Scarlett:And I'm your other host, Scarlett. In our last episode, we discussed how relationships evolve as we grow older. Today's episode will center around the transition from college to post grad life. We will discuss our plans and worries for the future, the dangers of comparison, and staying present in such a future focused time in our lives. This episode will conclude with a piece of advice from doctor Margaret Ndwandwe.
Carolina:We've got a
Carolina:lot of ground to cover y'all. Let's go ahead and dive into the episode.
Scarlett:Thanks for sticking with us over these last few episodes. We've covered quite a bit of material and done quite a
Scarlett:bit of yapping. So let's review. In episode one, we talked about adulting. Navigating health care is a big deal, especially doing it alone as we become adults.
Carolina:Yeah.
Carolina:We also talked about how we approached asking older women in our lives, like our moms and Doctor. Kimberly Field-Springer for help and how those relationships have changed as we've gotten older. We've changed and grown a lot since we were kids. So naturally, we've adapted in our relationships as well.
Scarlett:We then talked about life management. Managing your time in college is hard. And it's hard, especially when you have to hold yourself accountable and there's no one there to do it for you. We're ambitious and at a time in our lives where it can feel like not being busy means not being productive. We've had to prioritize, whether that be sleep or trying to stay involved with campus or hanging out with our friends.
Carolina:Yeah. It's definitely been a journey and one that has come with some important lessons like setting boundaries with our friends, families, and partners as well. Boundaries are vital, and it's been a long road learning. We have to learn how to set them and when you need
Carolina:to choose yourself.
Scarlett:In episode two, we heard from Whitney Gates, assistant director at the Berry College Counseling Center. We talked about evolving relationships to their parents, friends, and romantic partners, and how we've learned to manage things like coming to terms with our upbringing and maintaining adult friendships. I shared how my relationship with my mom has changed since I moved out and some of the challenges we still have to navigate.
Carolina:Yeah. We also covered some important topics like avoiding burnout and managing our busy lives, doing what needs to be done while maintaining a positive mental well-being. We talked about how scary it can be to advocate for yourself at the doctor, the importance of exercising, and on a mental note, how to do things you enjoy with your time. Also, who to spend your time with. We both have plenty to share about that.
Scarlett:I know that's right. It's been great getting to talk out all of our experiences and our thoughts on these issues we faced. It's good to have someone who can relate, even if our experiences differ. And I know I, for one, hope that we've been able to assuage some of our listeners' concerns and fears by letting them know that they aren't alone in these issues we've talked about.
Carolina:Yeah. Definitely. I think even for us, it's been helpful to kind of vent out our concerns and get advice from lovely guests in the last two episodes. Hearing from women who have been where we are and know about what we're experiencing has been super impactful. Personally, I'm feeling less scared about entering adulthood as a woman now because no matter how much preparation we may have had, the journey is never linear, and it's certainly never over.
Scarlett:So I think we're both feeling a little overwhelmed when it comes to our plans for postgrad life. There's a lot that comes into play when we're planning for this, and there's a lot of big changes that we're facing.
Carolina:Yeah. It's sort of crazy to think about because we're going from seeing the same people every day, being in the same consistent environment to not really having anything be the same at all. And while navigating a new career or school experience is important, it can be intimidating. I know for me, of the main concerns is being able to adapt to a different environment. I fear change most of the time.
Carolina:I have difficulties with, readjusting myself. I like to know where things are, how people are. Reading people in the room right away is hard for me. Being vulnerable right away is hard for me opening up to people. I don't know if it's because I grew up a little sheltered or my people's skills just haven't really been the best.
Carolina:I've definitely grown up and developed them, but it's still scary. And so to think about going into a space where most people, if not everyone in the room, is going to be older than you, more experienced than you, finding community in that space can can be really, really scary.
Scarlett:Sort of going along with that, I think it can be really easy to compare ourselves to the people around us, especially when we compare ourselves to our peers that are also approaching graduation and seem to have everything figured out. I know that there are multiple pathways that people are taking, whether they're going to grad school or they're going straight into the career field. But I've shared with some of my friends and they've shared with me that it can feel like, oh
Carolina:my god, everybody has a job
Scarlett:but me. And I'm going to have to move back home and live with my parents, and it's all going to suck. But you know that's where the danger is in the comparison.
Carolina:Yeah. Comparison can be a scary space to be. The biggest worry for me, besides the big obvious one, which is, like, financial freedom and stability, has been the stigma behind, like, having a job right away post grad. People either think you're going to college to have one straight away, and that means that you should get an immediate return on your investment, if you wanna call it that, or it was pointless. I'm a first gen grad, and the people that my parents know, like, around us that have gone to college, most of them did have a job right after college.
Carolina:So I guess since they don't have an experience of their own, they also fall into comparison of, well, my daughter should you know? And that's a that's a big pressure to take on. On top of that, people around us are also starting to have everything super figured out, and it's really intimidating because when you start seeing it so close to yourself, you're like, wait. It's possible, and I'm not there yet, and it makes you feel incapable or really, really far behind. It triggers a lot of fears, but not everyone's journey is the same.
Carolina:It shouldn't be the same even if we're studying similar things. Our experiences are different. Our skills are different, even if we've learned the same, like, softwares and things. But we all have different soft skills. We all market our skills differently.
Carolina:We all have different interests. So someone else's journey isn't necessarily going to be yours.
Scarlett:Yeah. Speaking as someone who's pursuing higher ed, hoping to pursue higher ed, I'm not necessarily facing the same pressures of immediately finding a career and seeking that financial independence, though that would obviously be nice to not have to live with my parents. I definitely worry about whether I'm making the right choice a lot. It's easy with everything happening in the world right now to feel like you have 100 choices in front of you and none of them really matter. But I think the key to that is to just pick one.
Scarlett:Even if you change your mind, even if five, ten years from now you decide that you hate it, you can always turn around and try again. I think what's important is trying. And not to get a little pretentious here, but Sylvia Plath uses this metaphor of the fig tree where she's standing at the base of a fig tree, and all of these figs are ripe and beautiful, and they're the options she has in front of her. She can be a writer. She can be a wife.
Scarlett:She can be a mother. But she can't choose and the figs rot and fall off. So the important thing, I think, is the choosing one and the throwing yourself into it headlong.
Carolina:Yeah. It's really important what you say. That's a that's a really powerful metaphor, actually. Because choices, they seem so hard because we have so many, especially when you study something so broad as well. That also goes into that.
Carolina:And so making a decision, I think, is step one. I feel like what shows maturity, what shows that you're actually have your foot in adulthood is making decisions and setting goals. I think setting goals is really important, whether your long term goals are something more sentimental like family, and having kids and things like that. But career wise, I think if you have a goal and work towards it, you're gonna be better off. And like you said, can always change later.
Carolina:Speaking of starting over or trying again, I think it's also important to realize that even now, we don't necessarily have to have everything figured out. We still have the option to learn and figure things out about ourselves even after college.
Scarlett:Yeah. I think there is kind of this expectation of finding yourself when you go off to college. And whether or not that actually happens, you're faced with this question of maintaining an identity as you enter adulthood. I think it can be easy to sort of lose your sense of self as you enter the chaos of young adulthood.
Scarlett:We're looking for jobs. We're moving into our own places. And suddenly, you're no longer surrounded by the people who helped define your identity. Just speaking solely for myself, this is a bit of a source of anxiety for me. While I can say I know realistically that the vast majority of us won't emerge from undergrad with some profound understanding of self, I do feel like I still don't have a solid identity.
Scarlett:I am trying to reframe that positively, though. And thinking that of not having a solid identity of through the lens of a fluid identity being a good thing. I firmly believe that humans are not creatures of permanence, you know, and having room to grow in our sense of self as we enter this new stage of life can be beneficial. That's what I'm telling myself.
Carolina:Yeah. There's definitely that really important point where everyone is pressuring you to find yourself. And it's funny because the, quote, unquote, yourself that you're finding when you enter college is not the yourself that you're walking out with senior year. And I think that's also really important. Like you said, we're not creatures of permanence, so we're always shifting, changing.
Carolina:Finding out what is continuously you, where your morals, your values, where you are ethically is really important. I know we've, touched on that in some of our courses lately, to prepare us for the workforce or even exiting Barrie, it's really, really important to realize that there are essential things about you that haven't changed. There are things that the environment you grew up in have made you a product of. There are things that you learned, whether it was through, religion or even just things that your parents may have taught you growing up, your family members or other mentors that you had in your life. There's definitely something in you that won't change, and there's definitely different long term goals that maybe the short term goals will have to shift for, but eventually, they'll get you to where you're going.
Carolina:And so I think part of maturing and growing up is realizing that. It's realizing that I may not be the same person that I was, but I'm still me and something about me is still there. I know that sounds kind of repetitive, but it is really important to look inward and see, like, I still have things I want to accomplish that I was wishing for when I was five or when I was 12 or when I realized that, like, oh, I wanna get married one day, have kids. Like, that's not changing regardless of where my career goes. So having those goals set and making sure that you're not letting yourself die down just because it doesn't go the way that you thought it would.
Carolina:That's that's really important.
Scarlett:Yeah. I've got something sort of to that point. I really did not expect to end up at Berry. I spent all my life from preschool to twelfth grade at a small private Christian school on the South Side Of Atlanta. And I both my parents are UGA alum, and I always pictured myself at UGA or at another big SEC school.
Scarlett:And that's what I wanted, and that's what I was working to be. And when that didn't happen, I was really kind of upset. It felt like my identity that I had built up in my head for myself had shattered. I found myself at an all another small private school, which has a heavy religious presence, which isn't a problem for me. But it definitely counteracted the image I had of myself of who I wanted to be.
Scarlett:And for a long time, I felt kind of like, what am I supposed to do now? I had an image of myself who went to this SEC school and who joined all of these clubs and was successful and was the image of my parents that I had built up in my head. And I think that what that taught me is I have to grow my identity from the inside myself instead of basing it on my environment. You know? And I know that as I leave undergrad that I'm gonna have that lesson in my head of, yes, I can adapt to my environment, but I'm maintaining my identity from inside myself.
Carolina:Yep. We can definitely pick and choose what we take from our environment and how we let it affect us.
Carolina:I really agree with what you said about allowing our identities to kind of be fluid and give ourselves the grace to explore what makes us us. The important thing, though, is that we don't get lost in exploration. We have to know when to stay grounded.
Carolina:This whole podcast has been centered around the big transition period of our early twenties. We've talked a lot about our future and the challenges that it may bring, But the hardest part of this stage is feeling like you've got one foot still in school and the other foot already into the future. Job searches, plans, life decisions, it can feel like you're being pulled in two directions at once. So how can we try to stay present in such a future focused time?
Scarlett:Yeah. That's a that's a good question. I think what's going to keep us grounded as we transition into adulthood is the things that have always kept us grounded. I know that sounds kind of vague and noncommittal, but what I mean is that staying present as we're looking forward means having anchors here in the present moment. Our family, our friends, the people that we love and that love us, yes, we hope these things are constant, but I think it's important to remember the the transitional nature of life Mhmm.
Scarlett:And that we're going to meet new people to love, and we may lose some of the old ones. And to keep us grounded in the now, we have to cherish what we have. And I know that sounds super cliche, but it's the cherishing what we have while remembering to leave room for new things that's going to keep us grounded in the present moment without taking our eyes off of the goal, kind of what you were talking about.
Carolina:Yeah. And I get why you would call that cliche because we tend to hear it so repetitively. Be grateful. Be grateful. But, seriously, gratitude is really important.
Carolina:And I think for one that gratitude and stress, gratitude and anxiety can't exist in the same person at the same time. And I think that that's one really, really good way to combat anxiety, combat that stress is, like, just be present every day. I was telling a friend that, at the beginning of this semester specifically, I sat down. I think it was in front of Krannert, and I just sat down, and I looked up, I said, god, help me be grateful for one thing every day because I feel like my college journey has just been work, work, schoolwork, run to class, don't miss class, and if you miss class, make sure that you're getting your work done. And I haven't I realized I hadn't enjoyed the beauty of our campus.
Carolina:I hadn't enjoyed time with friends, at least not in the way that I should have, not in a very impactful way. It was pretty surface level. We're just, you know, I'm in college, and this is fun. So having that conversation with God and with myself because it is a decision, I look back now and I'm like, yeah. I think I do have something to be grateful for every day even when my days sucked.
Carolina:But there were some days where literally just being grateful for being here, being grateful that, I have, help from older people and mentors, who are still looking after me, help from friends who are there for me, and even younger students who look up to me that I've had talks with, it just makes you grateful for your experiences because they do shape you into who you are. And because they shape you into who you are, they shape your decisions for the future, and they shape what you're able to share with others and what spaces you're allowed into. So being grateful, being present, although it may sound cliche to some, and I understand because when days are hard, they're hard. It is important.
Scarlett:Yeah. My roommate and I have kind of gone into two different ends of the spectrum as our senior year is coming to an end. She has absolutely taken every moment to she wants to go out every weekend, and she wants to be friends all the time, and we wanna do movie nights. And I wanna do those things too, but all I can really focus on is getting through the semester and what comes afterward.
Carolina:That's fair.
Scarlett:And so there have frequently most weekends, I've had to say, no. I gotta stay here. No. I gotta do work. Or, you you know, sometimes I'm too anxious to go out, but I think that staying grounded and staying grateful is a thread that both of us can hang on to.
Scarlett:For sure.
Carolina:In the spirit of cherishing what we have in the present, our advice today comes from the amazing Doctor Margaret Ndwandwe, without whom this podcast wouldn't exist. We asked her for advice around this period of transition today. So, Doctor Ndwandwe, good morning. Thank you for joining us.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Good morning.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Thanks for having me.
Carolina:To kind of guide what we know will be amazing advice today, I just have a quick prompt question. How do you stay grounded when your future feels uncertain even if you have a loose plan?
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Yeah. I think that's a really good question. And I've so enjoyed listening to this podcast this morning as it's being filmed because I do think that is how you navigate your 20s. What's going to happen is you're going to leave college and your pond's going go like this. It's just going to slide in really, really tight.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:And finding people that are willing to be honest with you, authentic with you, truthful to you, and to also align in your sort of morals and values is how I navigated my 20s. I spent so much time with friends and family who supported me. And so I do think finding a community, whether that be close or far, community. I have friends who live all over this country and all over the world. And so don't just rely on the people physically around you, but build a community, a network of people who can support you.
Carolina:I think building a community is super important, even if it's not the same one that you're used to having all the time. Because meeting new people is part of the experience.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Absolutely.
Carolina:And what they can pour into you and what you can pour into them is really important.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Absolutely.
Scarlett:And that's sort of what we talked about on another episode about forming adult friendships
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Yep.
Scarlett:Is that's such a scary topic. Like, how do you do that? But, you know, building a community is such a a strong foundation for building your adult life, I think.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Yeah.
Carolina:Yeah. Do you have any advice for those students who maybe are not going into higher ed and just want to try and find a job, especially knowing how the job market is right now?
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:Brutal. Yeah, I do. My encouragement is to say yes to as much as you can, as often as you can, as quickly as you can. And that's not to say pursue burnout, but I did crazy things in my 20s because I was willing to say yes.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:I filmed out of helicopters in my 20s. I met the love of my life in another country in my 20s. I went to the Olympics in my 20s. And it was because somebody asked and I said yes. So I think the power of your yes and the power of saying, you know I don't know how this is going to work out, is that braveness, that boldness is so required at this moment in your life.
Dr. Margaret Ndwandwe:So even if it's a job you're not confident take it. Say yes. I mean, don't don't be bored. But, you know, but say yes to as much as you can as often as you can.
Carolina:Yeah. I think we're so scared of people saying yes to us that we don't think about the yeses . We're supposed to give and the things we're supposed to go for. So that's really important.
Carolina:Super valuable.
Carolina:We hope you all enjoyed this broadcast episode and the other two episodes as well. This has been such a special experience for our team. We're so grateful for every listener who chose to tune in and spend time with us.
Scarlett:If there's anything we hope y'all can take away from Bless Your Heart, it's that it's okay to not have everything figured out. And more importantly, to know that you're not alone in that. We're all navigating these changes together. We're all scared out of our minds together. And even if it doesn't always feel like it, we're together nonetheless.
Scarlett:So thank you all for being here with us. We're really glad you were a part of this, and we hope you enjoyed listening to us. Yeah.
Carolina:Good luck.
Scarlett:Yes. Good luck.