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Most of the powerful, unguarded conversations we have as practitioners happen behind the scenes. This podcast was created to bring those conversations forward. It’s a space for real talk about client work, presence, creating powerful containers for waking others up, embodied change, and the ways we continue to grow and meet our edges as we guide others.
Barb Patterson (01:11)
Hi, welcome back to the podcast. You know, I thought today I'd share about what happens when the rug gets pulled out from under us or, you know, what happens when something unexpected happens for ourselves or for our clients. In a couple of conversations over the last week, I've had two clients that are in the midst of that very thing.
For one of them, it was finding out that their partner no longer wanted to be together and was having an affair. For another one, it was losing their job. what's interesting in that is there's so much going on for a client at that
I thought it might be worthwhile for us to unpack that a little bit. You know, some of it may feel like stating the obvious. But I think when we're working with others, it's a great opportunity to really see that we're holding them and multiple experiences happening all at the same time.
So for instance, the client that lost their job, there was just the shock of the unexpected, their previous...
Feedback, performance review went really well. They had just finished a project with a client that was very happy. So when they got pulled into the office and told it was no longer gonna work, they asked why and they were just said, we're moving in a different direction. So they weren't given much information.
Now this person was also the breadwinner for the home and had two young, has two small young children. So you could obviously understand why, this is stressful and upsetting on a lot of different levels. It felt shocking to him because all the cues that he had gotten were that things were fine.
So how do we as a coach hold that for our clients? How do we hold them during these times? Well, first of all, when they're just right smack dab in it, you know, it's just happened. He called me immediately after it happened. You know, at that time, our presence just being with them, just giving complete presence and.
knowing that the more calm we stay, the more neutral, It creates that climate that we often talk about, where our internal climate is creating the climate of the exchange. Our internal climate is shaping the container we're creating, whether on a phone call or in person with a client or a group. So in that moment, being present.
and acknowledging the shock, acknowledging that now was not the time to strategize. We talked about, today wasn't the day to plan for the next step, just to give himself some grace, give him a day or two. There were a couple of small actions.
that he needed to do based on what the company was requesting. So I helped him think through those, knowing that he was in shock and dismay and upset and stress, all kind of combined. I knew it was gonna be the simple things, presence and the simple things, just helping him get through the next 24 to 48 hours.
as time went on, he began to get a little bit more clarity internally. He began to feel a little bit more settled. But as soon as he would think about what to do and the fact that he wasn't working and money wasn't coming in, they had given him a couple of weeks, but not much time.
he would understandably so get really anxious. So during that time, I knew again that if I could keep him moving, I don't mean busy, mean, allow him to get comfortable being in the experience that he was in, allowing, helping him in any way I could, knowing that he was in a period of uncertainty.
that he was not going to have a clear path forward yet. And so with that in mind and taking a look at kind of the longer arc of things, it's like, okay, there was the immediate shock of it and helping him just navigate that. And then there's this period where there's still a lot of unknown. He has to start looking, he's got to start reaching out.
How does he do that when he's also grieving and he's upset and confused and worried? So in that period, our role as coaches is how do we support create a container where we can help them calm down, slow down internally, come back to presence, come back to their center? How do we do that over and over again? How do we help them see that the mind is gonna get activated?
they can find their way, they can come back to center, how to give themselves compassion for the extremes they might feel during this period. But also clearly state that uncertainty is the norm right now and the mind is likely going to want to rush to figure things out, but it's not always the most productive thinking in these periods. So part of what our role can be during that time is
What's the next step? Keeping it really simple. What's the next step? So for him in particular, it was, okay, let's look at your LinkedIn profile. Let's update your resume. And then it was, who do you know? Who can you call? Previous connections, people in your network. And during that time, it was these simple steps and helping him come back to center.
find his bearings and take these simple steps. Knowing that as he would start to take steps, there would be momentum created and there would be opportunities, there would be things that would happen. But part of what was required of him was to give himself love, compassion, but also to take action in that time. So my support of him in that time was
Also just, okay, what's next? And then helping him manage when things would get pretty chaotic and worrisome inside. we talked also during these high intensity times, go for walks. I want you to go for a walk every day. I want you to find silence, listen to things,
Like these are things that don't always show up in my coaching. I'm not always giving so many suggestions or simple things to help people. But again, when they're in moments of crisis or shock or have a lot going on, in addition to our presence, right, and reminding them of an understanding of the mind, pointing them where to find their
bearings. In addition to all that, sometimes these small, helpful things can really go a long way. And over the next few weeks, we talked about how to be present at home, he had an opportunity during this time where he could step into helping manage the kids in the house. And he did that.
this is a great opportunity for him to be present to it. Because again, during times of transition or big change, especially the unpredicted ones, our minds can just stay so active, constantly trying to solve or think ahead, that we miss the cues of what's available to us in the present. We forget that we're covered by
life in a way and that his greatest resourcefulness and creativity and thinking will come if he can stay present, if he can learn to navigate the ups and downs of the minds and his feelings, if he can learn to navigate and catch when he's way down a rabbit hole in his mind or too far ahead, how to come back to the now, how to come back and just ask what's the next thing to do.
So for a few weeks, that's what he would ask himself in the day as well as around getting a job. And sure enough, he started to have some conversations that were really hopeful, that were reminding him that he was valuable and he had a lot to bring to the table. But getting a job took a few months. And so during that time, it was interesting to remember
Like for all of us, when the rug gets pulled out, when there's transition, when there's loss in any way, or, change, there is often a period of recalibration of sort of finding our bearings in our center again, and it can feel really heavy, or it can feel confusing, or we just don't see.
ahead. We can't see, we don't have a vision at times during those periods and that's really normal. So also helping our clients remember how normal that is, can be really helpful to them. And to keep the expectations simpler around those times.
and to allow things to settle inside themselves and see what's present, what's fresh, how to follow their inclinations again, how to listen to life, how to take steps and see where the momentum is. So we can take off our minds as well trying to solve the big problem. did I know the goal was to get him another job? Absolutely.
And did I want to make sure for him, that he didn't slip into freeze mode or which can happen, you know, people can get pretty low and then it's hard to take any action. So those were things I was just keeping my eye on. But at the same time, trusting his innate well-being, trusting his innate health and his wisdom
There's a way to look at life as everything is an opportunity for new possibility. That everything is an opportunity for a recalibration, a realignment, a new opening. Everything. The creative intelligence behind life is not limited by circumstance. It's not limited by life events.
And so remembering that and standing on that ground and reminding him was so important as we navigated and as he started to think about what was next. As you can imagine at times what was next looked hard and limited and maybe he didn't have it in him. But at other times, because that's how it works, when the mind opens, possibilities open, he would get hopeful and excited. So again, how do we help?
clients see that that's just normal. That's just the ups and down of experience. But beneath that, there's a deeper intelligence and a knowing and a health and a wellbeing that's got his back And so when he started to get some opportunities and he started to interview,
you could then hear where there was this temptation to take something, anything to ease his nerves, right? And not worry about being able to fund for his family. But when we would slow it down and really listen, he had a knowing of the yes and the no. So again, as a coach during that time, how do we help them hear and trust what's coming through?
And so there were a couple of conversations where he was in this loop of trying to decide if he should take something, anything, but when we slowed it down, his own wisdom came through and it was an obvious no. And then sure enough, over the next month or so, he got a really great opportunity that was perfect.
he knew it was the right next step. He knew, okay, I don't know if I'm gonna be at this next thing for the rest of my life or 10 years, five years, but he absolutely knew it was the next right move. again, as we work with clients, it's helping them navigate
their internal distinction between noise and signal, that they're okay no matter what, that there is a knowing there if they can listen and trust themselves to follow through. In the other example of someone that had found out their marriage was ending and that their partner was in love with somebody else, again not
Surprisingly, they had a number of months of just really feeling low and really fighting grief and low moods and hopelessness. Now, because they'd been steeped in the understanding of who they are beyond their thinking. They had an understanding that in a low mood, they didn't wanna trust.
they're thinking. But also at that time, they just were in it. They were in it. So as a coach, and as the person supporting them through this, how do we create a space where people feel safe to be wherever they're at and remember no matter where they're
thinking is or their mood is that beneath that there's well-being and wisdom and stability. And I think the thing that really stood out for me in this coaching relationship was any thought I had about helping them speed that up just went cockeyed.
I could just see that, in the spirit of wanting to be helpful and good, I would try and throw some things in, trying to help them maybe get out of a mood or something, right? And again, I'm not saying we don't do this, but I could feel in the midst of that, that I had a slight attachment to wanting them to be better, faster.
And so I could see like, that's impacting my impact. That's affecting my ability and the rapport. Because any time we have an agenda, even a subtle one, even a so-called good one for our clients, it gets in the field, it gets in the energy. so I started to see that and was able to pull back and just remind myself.
Who am I to decide how long this should take? Why is, why do I even think a better mood would be better unless I have some thinking about moods, right? So it just helped me to drop back into the knowing that there's no place where wisdom isn't. There's no mood, no thought that also doesn't have the infinite potential within it.
And so I had to remind myself that my client was not only okay, I saw that they were okay beneath it, but also, where I was being stretched in a nice way was, this can take as long as it wants to take. the length of time that they're in grief
feeling, stuck, whatever that might be. There's no arbitrary line at which all of a sudden we've passed it and the innate wellness disappears, is gone forever, or the deeper wisdom is suddenly no longer there. There's no length of time. And so as I eased up on any idea I had about it, it would be better if I could help them.
get over this, I just relaxed into a new level of trusting the full range of human experience and really saw the attachment to getting over something even subtly And that was so wonderful to let go of that in another way, in another layer of the onion or a deeper level.
And in that, know I was able to bring complete non-attachment and more compassion and a real okayness with where they were at as well. And so in a 30 plus year marriage, everything tied together. So,
You know, the unraveling of that is not going to be in a sweet little period of time. It's going to take time over time and it's layered. And so when our clients are in that period, again, the mind will want to rush to figure it all out, to think that they have to solve every problem her mind would rush
five years down the line, it would rush to retirement. It would rush way ahead, of course. So part of our work was helping her come back to the here and now. And again, similar to the other client was what's next. And that's what I find in those periods of uncertainty. We will have a what to do next, but we often don't have anything beyond that. But that's okay. That's okay. It reminds me of one of my
favorite quotes from, I think it's the lion trackers guide. I might be messing that up, but where one of the trackers says, have no idea where I'm going, but I know how to get there. And he's referring to that he follows the tracks, right? And I think that's such a beautiful analogy for our lives. And when we're working with clients, it's like, sometimes we don't have any clue where we're going to end up.
You know, this recalibration, the rug being pulled out takes all of our vision about what the future is holding and what's possible and just knocks it out, right? It just takes it down. So that place of really not knowing and feeling uncertain and destabilized, it's helping ourselves as well as our clients remember.
Where do I go to find my stability? Where do I go to hear my deeper wisdom? And can I get comfortable if even the only thing I know is what to do in this moment or the only thing I know is what to do in this day or you have a next step. And so with this client, again, it was what's your next thing to do. And each step had ⁓
Various internal reactions, there was anger. There was upset. There was sadness. There was hopelessness. But as time went on and she got more and more comfortable just with the next thing, what also started to happen, which is again, not surprising based on what we know, as she got more settled, was able to find her bearings. She was able to navigate that uncertainty with
less angst and less stress.
being able to find her stability, trusting herself more and more, that has led to a really
beautiful next chapter for her. It's still not all clear, but she's stepping into herself in beautiful ways. Her relationship with her kids is really strong. She's trying new things, having more fun.
So coming back to what do we do when the rug's pulled out? It's like, how do we hold them in the immediate circumstance? And then how do we help them find their way and their bearings and learn to trust themselves as they take action? You know, it was my own.
as I've shared before, moving back to St. Louis unexpectedly after my mom fell, and then deciding that this was gonna be home base for a while, including living with her for a bit while she was recovering and getting hip replacement and all that. I really underestimated that I was in a season of recalibration. I kept...
thinking, okay, there's this personal situation and then there's my business. And I kept trying to make my business work at the same pace it had been doing the same things it had been. And yet I was consumed in good ways, right? In multiple ways by what was happening personally. And finally it dawned on me. I'm like creating this internal war about it. And it was like, no, wait a minute, let me factor in like all of life right now.
What I would say the rug being pulled out from under me was business the way I knew it was changing. Now it looked like the circumstance was the reason and as soon as that was better I could go back to things as normal. But in an amazing way and I shouldn't be surprised, what was also happening was it was an invitation for me to relook.
and recalibrate and listen more deeply and see what was present and see what wanted to come through. But I'll share that it was a number of months where I felt really out of sync with myself. I felt like things were falling apart in a way, not to be, again, dramatic, but I kind of felt like, I messing all this up and what's going on?
There wasn't much happening and I got worried about that. And it wasn't until I remembered again, like, let me just be here now. What does life have for me now? What do I know is the next thing that I started to feel into? ⁓ this is a doorway for me. This is a new calibration. I'm being invited to listen more deeply and see what wants to be here now.
And I wish I could say that was a two day process and then it's been flowing ever since, but no, that was part of ⁓ a number of months. But what I will say is knowing that a lack of clarity on the future wasn't a problem was really helpful.
Like just again, knowing in times of recalibration, there's this disconnect as we realign inside with life and with ourselves, where the external circumstances, the old measurements no longer work for us. So we were just in this season of unknown. so for myself, it was like, yeah, what do I know about this?
I can listen for the very next thing to do. I can catch my mind when it starts going down, in a way that it looks like I'm a problem or this is a problem. I can catch those patterns of the mind and come back and listen for what is there to do now. And for me, I would often hear, you know, nothing, nothing right now. Do what you're doing. But eventually I started to,
get excited and curious about some things. And I started to lean into those. And they opened up some new doors and some great experiences for me. And then that led to new things, including Ila reaching out to me about this partnership around developing practitioners. And that partnership and this
path, this next kind of chapter. It doesn't mean I'm not doing any of the other things I am, but this new thing has so much life in it and it's evolving me and I know it's evolving her too. I think that period, which I wish would have been two days instead of months, but ultimately in hindsight, it's such a reminder for me in my own life and with my clients that those
seasons of recalibration, of getting the rug pulled out from under us, whether we choose it or it's done for us. They're so important. And there's nobody I've met in my life and in my work who is exempt from these. We all have them happen. We either choose it ourselves, as I said, or life presents us with it in some way.
But I started to realize, that season of recalibration, of realignment, of feeling confused, not having a clarity is normal. It's a part of it. So it no longer looks like the boogeyman to get solved or to avoid or to rush through. It looks like an important part of the journey we allow ourselves to be with whatever's present. We allow the grieving. We allow ourselves to meet.
those places where we've had our maybe worth or our value tied. We welcome all of that with love and presence and we do what we can. We follow the nudges, trusting those nudges and following our curiosity, knowing that we still don't know where it's taking us. That we may not know where it's taking us, but we can trust it.
And it's enough. It'll get us there, as that quote said. We know the way, and that's all we need to know.
So as you think about your own journey and maybe you're in a season of feeling like things are recalibrating or want to, can you give into it? Can you surrender to it fully and trust it? And if you're supporting your clients through it, how do you bring your presence, your knowing they're OK, the pointers to help them navigate uncertainty?
rather than thinking it's our job to get them through faster or better. All right, as always, thank you for listening. We're so glad you're here. Have a great rest of your day.