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Friendship Part 4
Sermons from Commons Church. Intellectually honest. Spiritually passionate. Jesus at the centre. Since 2014.
Welcome to the CommonsCast. We're glad to have you here. We hope you find something meaningful in our teaching this week. Head to commons.church for more information.
Speaker 2:If we have not met, I'm Bobbie, and I serve the commons community as one of the pastors on the team here. Every Sunday, you hear us invite people to something we call second Sunday, a monthly conversation about commons. And the last time I led Second Sunday, a few people said to me, I came for the conversation, but I really don't know what it's about. So I might take a moment to shine a little bit of light on Second Sunday. Basically, second Sunday is meant to answer the questions that you don't even know that you have about commons.
Speaker 2:We talk about the origin of commons, and I promise you, it is one of the best church startup stories that you'll ever hear. We talk about values, denominational home, convictions. We talk about the staff team, all kinds of dirt on the staff team. We even map out different ways for you to deepen your experience here. So much good stuff.
Speaker 2:So I encourage you, if you have not done so already, check out Second Sunday in February or any month in the future. Today, we wrap up the series on friendship. It's been so good to lean into the theme of friendship together all month long. I am super into it, and there's a lecture that has stayed with me for years about friendship. The speaker, Susan Phillips, makes the case for friendship as a spiritual discipline.
Speaker 2:And I know that's kinda churchy language, but she says that like regular prayer and meditation, friendship can have a profound effect on our inner lives. I remember thinking, yeah. Okay. Okay, Susan. I've got tons of friends.
Speaker 2:What's so profound about that? Well, Phillips makes the case that in our culture, friendship has been marginalized as just kind of an extra in life. We view friendship as private. It's largely unexamined and something that we ditch when the demands of work or family ask a lot of us. And in the lecture, Phillips underscores her argument by saying, we would find it baffling and strange if we heard someone say that he or she turned down a job offer in a different city just so they could stay close to dear friends.
Speaker 2:I have based big moves in my life on education opportunities, work opportunities, and the last move here to Calgary on a love opportunity. But for friendship? Nah. I've left those ties behind. Jesus has this incredible way of making friends.
Speaker 2:Jesus offers the friendship of healing to those who are sick, the friendship of justice to those who are treated poorly, the friendship of proximity and meals together and lively debates for those Jesus keeps close, his best friends. Of course, those friendships have their complexities too. Simon Peter, the rock, as Jesus calls him, is passionate about staying close to Jesus. But on the night of Jesus' arrest, Peter walks straight into the trap Jesus tells Peter is going to be trouble for him. Three times, Peter denies that he even knows Jesus and right when Jesus needs Peter's steady and stability the most.
Speaker 2:And these denials have a profound effect on Peter. They are a profound sorrow in his life. But the fact that we read about Peter's betrayal at all is testament to the fact that what could have been a huge source of shame for Peter became a transformation he was proud of. Today, we trace this transformation in Peter's life through the story of Jesus' brunch date with Peter on a beach. And I realize that maybe sounds a little more romantic than I mean for it to, But all the same, today, we are talking about new chapters in friendship and the option to unfriend.
Speaker 2:So let's pray together and dive in. Loving God, as we turn our attention to the places of disintegration and friendship, we need wisdom from you because we know our own tendencies to be defensive. We know our own justifications. We know that we hide our own vulnerabilities. But somehow, in friendship, yes, even in the tricky parts, you are there.
Speaker 2:Jesus, you are there with an invitation to grow in love. You are there with revelation about the real matters of our hearts and relationships. So spirit of the living God, present with us now. Enter the places of pain in friendships, past and present and even future, and heal us of all that harms us. Amen.
Speaker 2:So in the last few years, I've had reason to think a lot about friendship. At the age of 37, I left my vibrant friendship group in Vancouver to follow love to Calgary. It wasn't exactly a path that I had pictured for myself, but it is the path that led me here to you. So you're welcome. Now that I've been in Calgary for over three years, can you believe it, I can say that I love the new friends that I have made here, but I do still miss the ones that I left behind.
Speaker 2:Friends who were with me through my graduate studies, my ordination, my hip replacement, big things. So I recently devised a plan to embark on what I'm calling, needs some drama, the friendship tour. And I kicked off the first leg of that friendship tour this past summer. Now I typically go to Edmonton to see my family, but I decided to head up to Edmonton for a few summer days just to see old friends. And a highlight was heading out in a canoe with my good friend Jeremy Kaye.
Speaker 2:Here we are in a boat. Jeremy's a minister at First Baptist in Edmonton and one of the most rock star human beings that I know. And like any proud Edmontonian, Jeremy gave me the royal tour of the River Valley. Edmontonians, they really love their River Valley, don't they? Bless them.
Speaker 2:I guess I'm becoming a real Calgarian. In John 21, we find Jesus on his own friendship tour. Jesus reconnects with old friends after a profound transformation. The friendship tour we read about today is actually the third and final leg of Jesus' resurrection friendship tour. First, Jesus, the resurrected Jesus appears to Mary in the garden.
Speaker 2:Then Jesus appears to Thomas and the disciples behind locked doors, and now it's Peter and the seven disciples on the beach. In one night, Peter convinces the others to go fishing. And the next morning, Jesus is just standing there on the shore telling them how to catch more fish. When they realize that it's Jesus, Peter is so pumped about it. He just jumps into the lake and swims to shore.
Speaker 2:And verse nine tells us that by the time the others get to shore, there's this charcoal fire with bread and fish on it. And the presence of the fire in the scene is this sensory detail that links us back to another scene, that being the place of Peter's denials in a courtyard beside, you guessed it, a fire. And with that link, Jesus engages this three part restoration to replace Peter's three part denial. So the passage begins. When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?
Speaker 2:Yes, Lord. He said, you know that I love you. Jesus said, feed my lambs. And in the first part of this three part refrain, let's focus on the names Jesus calls Peter. It's Simon, son of John.
Speaker 2:With this name for Peter, we go back to the very start of Peter's story. In the first chapter of John's gospel, we read this verse. Jesus looked at him and said, you are Simon, the son of John. You will be called Cephas, which when translated is Peter. So at the start, Peter belongs to a family.
Speaker 2:His brother actually is the one who introduces him to Jesus, and Jesus just takes one look at him and knows right away who Peter really is, like who he is on the inside. And we think as we think about a new chapter in their friendship, we are invited to pay attention to the past because beginnings are incredibly important to God. So maybe for you, a friendship with cracks in it has broken away from its origin story. Maybe for you, a person that you cared about hurt you, and you don't know how to start the conversation to bring some healing. Maybe for you, you know that things can't go back to the way that they were with your friend, but you cannot even begin to imagine a new chapter ahead.
Speaker 2:Start by going back to the beginning. Go back to your first chapter and work on honestly tracing the history of your friendship. So let's call it a friendship inventory. So go back to the start. Ask, where did we meet?
Speaker 2:What brought you together? How did you feel at the start of your friendship? And then get even more inquisitive. Ask, okay, how reciprocal is this friendship? Do you give love and do you get love?
Speaker 2:Would you say that there is more love than fear here or is there more fear than love? Now, I encourage you to steer for the heart of it. Do you want this person in your life? Why do you keep this person in your life? Are you your best self with this person in your life?
Speaker 2:Of course, a friendship can and will have good and bad. But every person cannot be close to you all of the time, especially if that person is no longer good for you or who you're becoming. What we're looking for here is a priority of distance. We're looking to examine the friendships we're just frankly unsure about. We're asking the questions to lead to more truth.
Speaker 2:So again, Jesus said, Simon, son of John, do you love me? He answered, yes, Lord. You know that I love you. Jesus said, take care of my sheep. So now let's look at the second part of this conversation, the do you love me part.
Speaker 2:Throughout the passage, there are two different Greek words used for the verb love. There's agapao. It means to love, to value, to esteem, to manifest generous concern for. And there's phileo. It's a friendly love.
Speaker 2:It means to manifest some act or token of kindness. And scholars make the argument that the different words for love here are all in the realm of a common communication in John's gospel. So two different verbs for love, no big. Different words are used for essentially the same thing all over the place. And yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2:Okay. That's fine. But we use varieties in language to spread meaning out further than just a single word choice. So if this is a checkup on the health of Peter's love for Jesus, maybe Jesus is actually looking into every part of Peter's love. Do you value me, Peter?
Speaker 2:Yes, Lord. Okay. But do you esteem me? Yes. You know that I do, Lord.
Speaker 2:But do you cherish me, Peter? Yes. I cherish you. By putting the question to Peter more than once, with more than one word, there's all this space for understanding to grow. Or for Peter to say, yes, I love you.
Speaker 2:I love you like that. Or in fact to say, you know what? Now that you put it that way, I'm just not so sure. I mean, what is love if it is forced. Right?
Speaker 2:Forced love is not love. You have to have the option to walk away. When I was in junior high, I had a best friend. And let me tell you, it was like the stars aligned for this friendship. First of all, her name was Bobby, and that's my name.
Speaker 2:So how cool is that? I loved this friendship with Bobby more than most things in my life. Bobby had an older sister and I didn't, and that sister taught me the foundations of good skin care. Bobby and I traded books we probably should not have been reading. That gave me all kinds of an education, if you know what I mean.
Speaker 2:And Bobby and I went to all of our junior high dances together and had the best time not worrying about which boys did or didn't ask us to dance. So we were Bobby and Bobby, a friendship force. But then came a day in grade eight when Bobby and I went to the same music class, and Bobby sat in a different choir row from me. And from that day on, she never spoke to me again. I was heartbroken.
Speaker 2:Now, what I didn't understand until years later was that we were both going through a lot. The space between us was filled with all kinds of complexity. Family members with mental health issues, substance abuse issues, issues with the law, religious issues. These are problems. And we didn't even have the internet to Google some advice because I am that old.
Speaker 2:We lived in a rural community where the people that we knew didn't talk about their problems. So how were a couple of girls in grade eight supposed to sort out what was going on for them? For so long, I wondered what I did. But I imagine that Bobbi just needed to take some space, and she didn't really know how to ask for it. Something in her directed to her to a priority of distance, and she listened.
Speaker 2:And now, as a 40 year old, hardly in touch with anyone from high school, I actually honor that. Maybe you've been one of the Bobbies in this story. You don't know why, but you just needed to get away. You don't know how, but you crashed toward your future without knowing how to get there. You found a way.
Speaker 2:You didn't know what happened, but you got dropped, and it hurt so much. I'm so sorry. That's really hard. Whether you're in grade eight or you're 80, the end of friendship is hard. But distance and heartbreak and reflection, they actually can be beautiful teachers.
Speaker 2:Theologian, Jurgen Moltmann, he says it like this. It is said that true friendship proves itself in misfortune, as sympathy, co suffering. It also proves itself in happiness as a shared rejoicing without envy. The one is as important as the the other. If the friendship scales tip and your relationship is no longer a healthy space for you, then please take your space.
Speaker 2:But look for wisdom so that you can take space with respect and a clear sense of what you need. I imagine that grown up Bobby would have been able to say something simple to me like this. Hey, Bobby. We have grown apart. Thank you for all of the ways that you supported me and laughed with me in junior high.
Speaker 2:I need to step away from our friendship, but I wish you every happiness in the future. And honestly, that could have made a huge difference. Simple, truthful, direct communication is not easy. But it is the most loving thing to do when you need space in an unhealthy friendship or when a friendship can just no longer be as close as it used to be. But don't worry you guys.
Speaker 2:Peter still opts in for friendship with Jesus. And there's one more round of questions before the new chapter in their friendship begins. And I love how human Peter is in this next part. The third time he said to him, Simon, son of John, do you love me? Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, do you love me?
Speaker 2:He said, Lord, you know all things. You know that I love you. Jesus said, feed my sheep. Three times Peter had denied Jesus and three times Jesus asked Peter to affirm Peter's love. Then on the third affirmation, just like the third denial actually, we glimpse Peter's inner life.
Speaker 2:Remember, after Peter's denials, he cried bitter tears. And in the course of Peter's affirmations, he feels hurt. So the question is, where is this hurt coming from, Pete? Well, we can imagine it like this. Peter is all, oh, I get it.
Speaker 2:I know what you're doing here. You're bringing me back from where I went. I left you, and now you have found me. You know I love you even when I forget that I do. A friendship like this is tonic.
Speaker 2:It's healing. It's life. There's persistence and patience and a lasting offer for restoration. But let's try a little sliding door on this. You know what I mean by sliding doors.
Speaker 2:Right? Of course, I'm talking about the 1998 romantic comedy starring Gwyneth Paltrow called sliding doors. Anyone's favorite? Didn't think so. Maybe.
Speaker 2:Oh, it is. That's nice. I didn't think it would be anyone's. The movie imagines what life is like on two different tracks. The first, you catch the train and life carries on from there.
Speaker 2:See, boring brunette Gwyneth. And the second, you miss the train and life moves forward from there. See, pixie cut alt Gwyneth. Same person, fluke, action, different trajectories. So what if what if Peter hadn't cried those bitter tears about his denial on the night of Jesus' arrest?
Speaker 2:What if instead of softening, he hardened? He built up his defenses. He did everything not to face how we really felt. I mean, we can have compassion on that Peter, but not feeling and not facing sadness could have put Peter on a track of isolation. If we aren't honest with ourselves, if we don't feel the effects of the hurt in our friendships, but we block out the pain, We will not become the kind of friend Jesus is calling Peter to be, and those alt Peters can get pretty toxic.
Speaker 2:So what do you do when you're in a toxic friendship? When the person that you love isn't that good at loving you back? I'm pulling in a little help from Kate Lever and her book called The Friendship Cure. If you're in a toxic friendship, Lever says that you can try a simple message, yes, even via text that says, this is no longer working for me. A very toxic person will and maybe will try to woo you back.
Speaker 2:But if you are not sure of this friendship anymore, and you know that it no longer brings you life, you may in fact need to freeze that person out. And I know, I know, you are very nice people. And this sounds very cold. But what's the alternative? Revenge?
Speaker 2:Meanness? Ghosting? Sometimes you have to just speak a clear no without a bunch of reasons, and you have to walk away, and you have to put up a boundary so that you can move forward with health. Be present to what you need and trust that this other person's story is far from over. It just doesn't have to include you right now.
Speaker 2:Finally, being free might actually be the only way to wish that person well. The cool thing about the Peter and Jesus exchange is that it isn't just about restoration. This is discipleship for the next chapter. It's friendship for a new phase. Peter's not being asked to go back to how things were before he messed up.
Speaker 2:Peter's invited to go forward with something new at hand. Remember, this is the third and final leg of Jesus' friendship tour, and we turn the page in the scriptures and read that Jesus leaves the work of befriending the world to the disciples. But before he went, Jesus insists that his followers step into the fullness of life with all of its beauty and its trauma. Peter's beach brunch with Jesus includes a glimpse of Peter's own future. Jesus tells Peter that when he is old, he will stretch out his hands.
Speaker 2:Someone else will dress him and they will lead him to where he doesn't want to go. It's kind of strange. It's kind of like a riddle. But in verse 19, we're told what Jesus is on about. He had said, this is to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God.
Speaker 2:And the apocryphal acts of Peter report that Peter did die like this. After living in Rome for twenty five years, Peter is crucified as an old man insisting that they kill him upside down as a sign that he is not worthy to die the same manner of his Lord. And this might sound odd, but I find these words of Jesus really comforting. Jesus doesn't feed Peter a line. He doesn't promise him an easy path.
Speaker 2:He doesn't sugarcoat Peter's future. Jesus says, I have work for you to do, Peter. It's about taking care of others. And the only reward that I can promise you is the assurance of your own mortality. You will die.
Speaker 2:Endings, though, are not outside the work of God in the world. In our stories, life will start and it will end. People will come and they will go. Friendships will carry you and then they may pass you by. Now, Jesus is steady on with what he is calling Peter to do.
Speaker 2:And it's summed up with the repetition of the phrase, follow me. Follow me is this call into a consecrated future. Follow me is the integration of Peter's past in this present moment. Follow me is the assurance that beginnings and endings belong in the world God calls into being. Peter's friendship with Jesus has changed.
Speaker 2:For a moment, that friendship is lost, but then the resurrected Jesus shows up on a beach, all radiant with new life and the very nature of the divine is seen. Jesus' new life is not kept for God's own self. It is poured out for Peter. It is poured out for the disciples. It is poured out for those early followers and it is poured out for you.
Speaker 2:Jean Vanier says, the flock Peter is meant to care for is made up of people called by Jesus to grow in love. Maybe everything about this friendship series leads us right here to this. Just following Jesus, befriending each other, growing in love. And no, friendship will not be easy. Yes, you have immeasurable differences between you.
Speaker 2:Conflict will be real. Disappointment will be real. Betrayal will be real. But take your cue from Jesus. Make restoration possible through the bonds of love.
Speaker 2:When a person cannot own their own mistakes, when they don't follow Peter in feeling the sadness of the harm that they cause you, then take a step back and see that the space opened up in absence does not have to stay vacant for long. Now, super interesting thing about the gospel of John is that this final chapter is one that was added later. John 21 is epilogue. And that doesn't make it any less gospel. In fact, this new chapter circulated with the gospel early on.
Speaker 2:But before the epilogue, the gospel is all about the beloved disciple, John, who is center stage among the disciples. And then we have this switch in the final chapter. Peter's at the center of the scene, and John is actually off to the side. And the reason is that the Johannine community had lost John. He died.
Speaker 2:And the final chapter of the gospel puts Peter in his place. A space opens. For a moment, they didn't know who would take John's place, but this story reassures the community, it's okay, you guys. We're not without a loving leader. We have Peter.
Speaker 2:He's meant to shepherd us now. So what's next for you in friendship? Do you need to take some time to reflect on a friendship that you're just unsure of? Do you need to diagnose unhealth with the help of some time or some counseling or just a trusted confidant? Do you need to unfriend someone so that your heart can be opened to someone new?
Speaker 2:In a couple of weeks, I'm headed out on the second leg of my friendship tour. I've already made the t shirts. Just kidding. There are no t shirts. But I am headed to Vancouver, a city I lived in for twelve years, and my only purpose is seeing friends that I love and that I miss.
Speaker 2:But I am no fool. So much has changed. And frankly, I'm a bit nervous about this visit. Lives have moved on in a bunch of different directions. It's taken me some time, but I am finally ready for a new chapter in those friendships.
Speaker 2:I go to Vancouver knowing that friendships evolve, they change. Some friendships break and can be made into something more beautiful. Others are painful and have something to teach us about who we are and the kind of friend that we actually wanna be in the world. If at the close of our friendship series, you feel the absence of friends, the pain of friendship, the complexity of those relationships, then may you trust that a new chapter of friendship can come for you, Calling to you from the beach, making you breakfast by a fire, and pointing out all of the places that your love is needed in the world because your love is so needed. Let's pray together.
Speaker 2:Loving God, for the friendships in our lives that are life giving, where love flourishes, where truth and trust are present, where we can be our authentic selves and there is so much room for us to grow. Jesus, we are so grateful. But for the friendships in our lives that are frankly life sucking, where selfishness and misunderstanding rule, where we feel small and manipulated, where we are hurt and need to leave. Spirit of the living God, will you guide us towards health, towards conversations that bring clarity, towards a trust in our own minds and our own hearts? God of friendship, will you make us friends?
Speaker 2:Friends of you, of one another, and even with all creation, we pray. Amen.