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The Senior Hub Podcast is a resource hub for planning and caring well for your aging parents and loved ones. This podcast tackles everything from data, to key terms, to personal stories, to sacred moments, to tricky family dynamics.
Join hosts Daniel Alexander and Rebecca Hill as they engage their guests, and each other, on this most important topic. We are all learning about this topic as we get older. Let's do it together.
Find us at www.theseniorhub.com
Hello, and welcome to the Senior Hub podcast. I'm Daniel Alexander, the founding director of The Senior Hub, and I'll be your host for today's conversation. Our hope is that by the time we're done, you'll feel a little more equipped and maybe even a little more hopeful for whatever's ahead. So without further ado, let's dive in. So we've explored two options post surgery for Margaret.
Speaker 1:First was moving back home, and the second was a senior living community and all that in is entailed there. But there's a third option we wanna tackle today. It's a little more obscure, a little less used these days, but it's a growing need, and we wanna explore the idea of Margaret moving back in with her family. But at the end of the last episode, when I teed this up, Rebecca, you said three words. You said a bold choice.
Speaker 1:Do you still agree with that?
Speaker 2:I absolutely do.
Speaker 1:Okay. Well, let's dive in right there. Why is this a bold choice?
Speaker 2:Yeah. This there's lots of considerations to take into account before we start really having meaningful conversations about inviting loved ones in. But because of the number of seniors, you know, incrementally growing over the last really fifty years Mhmm. People are really having to give, you know, a long look at is this could this be beneficial for all parties involved?
Speaker 1:And would you say that this is part of human history as well?
Speaker 2:Absolutely. So, you know, historically, families have always, just taken care of elders. Even, you know, the firstborn in any family structure often would open their home to invite family members in. Globally, you know, Americans are still the outlier in this way. We value this independence and and freedom and autonomy, but because of the way our families are growing and aging longer, we're gonna have to really entertain this idea.
Speaker 1:So from the top, would you say that every family should be entertaining this idea?
Speaker 2:No. Okay. There are, you know, unique considerations. So we we really have to look at your family dynamic, your family structure, what's your housing actually look like?
Speaker 1:Mhmm.
Speaker 2:So multiple considerations.
Speaker 1:Okay. Well, let's start on the upside here. Talk to me about the value of even exploring this conversation.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So I mean, just the relational dynamics of layering in elder support in in a home has value of itself. So our elders are rich with learning and understanding, and they have, time, to contribute. So there can be real values of, you know, the elder not being isolated, you having access to them. If you have children in your home, just having that, accessibility for them to, have another influence that is someone who has real time to absorb, the thoughts and feelings of children and just another energy outlet.
Speaker 2:There can be real values in terms of financially just sharing the load. So yeah, there's lots to consider in terms of what are the real gifts inside inviting the elder into the home.
Speaker 1:That's great. Let me push on a couple things you just said a little bit further. You used the word isolation. Can you dive into that a little bit and talk to us about the human psyche
Speaker 2:Oh my as you've goodness. Seen Yeah, so for the elder population in particular, this is a real concern. You know, as people age, there is more time, there is, less to do, and just human fulfillment relies on having something to do and someone to do it with and looking forward to things. So, you know, just creating that construct for our elders keeps them healthier, happier, and then you can benefit additionally.
Speaker 1:Have you seen a family or families where this has actually played out?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, you know, more and more of the sandwich generation is considering buying homes that have, you know, restored or renovated basement units and just creating, accessibility on two levels and then having the working school age generation on one floor, the elders on another, and then intentionally creating times to come together. But, you know, the key is just having proximity to your elder so that you can really just be involved.
Speaker 1:So can you speak, before we switch then to why this is hard, can we talk a little bit about why hard is actually good sometimes? As you watch parents age or a grandparent age for a child, talk a little bit about what you may have seen the value of that because this is not gonna be easy. Are there kind of upsides that people have expressed to you of going through the aging journey with grandparents?
Speaker 2:Yeah. Just the value of preferring another's well-being above your own and just the construct of elders have served, they have lived rich, lives that deserve honor and deserve, a space to life review with them. And making time to actually care for someone who maybe can't do the things that they used to do, but you can. The whole idea that there is an exchange still available, even though the person receiving the care is no longer able to contribute in the same ways.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Learning the art of selflessness.
Speaker 2:Selflessness. Absolutely.
Speaker 1:I was with a friend recently. Was talking about how his father-in-law lived with him in his last few years of life and how his children really gained a lot from visiting with him at his bedside and watching this process and seeing home care come in and seeing him, you know, have struggles as he went down the road with his health. And he he said it was incredibly hard, but he wouldn't trade it for the world.
Speaker 2:Exactly.
Speaker 1:Just seeing that and having his children absorb it was a very rich time.
Speaker 2:Yeah. I feel like as Americans, we are so, performance and ability driven, but, there's really huge value in the connection piece of serving someone, you know, regardless of age or ability, just partnering with someone, particularly in the end of life years, for sure.
Speaker 1:And particularly for family. Yeah. Yeah, that's great. Okay, so let's go all the way there then. Talk to us about the costs or why this is hard.
Speaker 2:Yeah. Well, obviously, there are going to be financial considerations. You might need to modify the house. You might need to talk with family members about who's contributing to, the elder's care and what are those costs actually. You know, you may want to have conversations with other siblings about why one house is better than another for housing the elder.
Speaker 2:You know, living in close proximity to each other is kind of a dance and requires us to, you know, give up some of our space. So that's a cost in itself. But yeah.
Speaker 1:Yes. It obviously seems to have a cost on the family unit itself. Right? Right. Whether it's the spouses, the marriage, or the kids.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Is there a way for people to, like, prepare for this?
Speaker 2:Yeah. You don't know what you don't know. So so diving in, but really just looking at, do we have buy in from all parties? Is the larger family an agreement that, this particular family's, home is the right move in fit space? Obviously, spouses have to buy in.
Speaker 2:There are conversations with any, children who are living in the home that we're gonna make space and room, and then how are we going to do it? So, having margin to have the conversations about what does it mean to make space both in our home, in our day, how are we financially gonna bridge the gaps, and what's the timeline
Speaker 1:for that? Right. Great. Okay, so let's talk about space using the word space there. Let's go there physically, the space of the home.
Speaker 1:What are some options about how this can actually work?
Speaker 2:Yeah. So there's, I mean, there's all kinds of really great ideas on the table. So you can add, a converted space. So maybe you have a basement, like I mentioned before, that is that has a walkway that's accessible. You can modify it to fit the elders' needs.
Speaker 2:You could also do new emerging trend are these tiny homes that people are setting up in their backyards or on their property. It is a real viable way to keep that sense of autonomy, but still have the elder on the property and accessible. Of course, you're gonna need to know what are the laws in your county and in your neighborhood about how those fit on the property, but it's trending. And then home additions, you can increase the value of your home by adding square footage and, you know, having this in law suite that has been modified for aging. And there are, you know, whole companies who provide these adaptable, elder friendly, modified housing.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and now that you've walked us through costs in previous podcast episodes of home care or senior living communities, it starts to make a little bit more sense of modifying a home because there are exchanges that are gonna happen either way.
Speaker 2:That's right.
Speaker 1:Yeah. That's Okay. Do you wanna touch on, like, your actual home? How do how do you get it ready? The things that you might need to do within the home.
Speaker 1:Yeah. You said in one episode earlier, like, check your carpets, make sure they're okay.
Speaker 2:Right, right. Clear pathways, make sure that things are that spaces are navigable for walkers or wheelchairs if the elder has them or they certainly could in the future need them. You know, there are also people who will come in and inspect your home to make sure that you're you're considering all the adaptable ways of upfitting the home. So do you need grab bars? Do you need to, you know, raise toilet seats and, you know, have, zero transition in the shower area?
Speaker 2:But those are certainly considerations you wanna just look at before you attempt to move someone in, specific to their, you know, diagnosis as well.
Speaker 1:Great, okay. All right, I wanna now go back. I'm thinking about the questions and how to get ourselves prepared again. Like what questions do we need to be asking ourselves? Do you have a checklist?
Speaker 1:Is there a top five? Sure. The type of questions we should ask to see if we're even a good fit as a family to think about this.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So, you know, the conversation begins obviously with the loved one. She or he has to have buy in, to this whole idea. And so understanding what makes a good long term living fit for them is the starting point, but then you certainly wanna include spouses, partners to say, you know, what does this look like for you? What does the ideal look like?
Speaker 2:What does the antithesis look like for you? But, you know, having conversations in advance about what are the signs that this isn't working or that change needs to happen, or how do we decide when we disagree?
Speaker 1:Sounds a lot like life. Right.
Speaker 2:These are key questions for living in general, but particularly when you're living in close proximity to each other, they become magnified.
Speaker 1:Yep.
Speaker 2:Who covers what financially, and is it written down? So having things written down and referenceable is also a key to life. Honestly, none of us can or we're so busy. We're in fast forward all the time. We we really do need to map these things and have them referenceable.
Speaker 1:I should have had you come to our house as we were raising teenagers. You and I are are both doing that. We should have we should have had these conversations a little earlier probably.
Speaker 2:Yeah. So and and then what is what does it look like for the person who is hosting the elder? What what does it mean to be the primary caregiver, and where are you gonna get your respite from? Because what we also know is that, no one person can absorb all the care of an elder. So it's really important to identify, what does it look like when you need a break and who's there to support you and go ahead and invite your village of supporters in.
Speaker 2:These could be paid professionals and they could be friends of the family. They could be church members or community members. Your elder has friends likely, or if they don't, they need them.
Speaker 1:Help them make friends.
Speaker 2:We're gonna or we're gonna, you know, organically support them with the people who are already there in their lives.
Speaker 1:Got it. Okay. So I underscore that because we have so many wonderful people in our community that will take in a parent, but then it seems that part of that idea is that they need to take care of the parent all the time, that they are the ones that are gonna make that happen. What you're saying here is that that's not necessarily always the answer or even a good answer.
Speaker 2:Oh, it's not a good answer. I think there's so much richness in inviting other people in to care and support, and no one person can bear the load. As much as we value autonomy and independence and performance, we just have to acknowledge that we all have limits. And so identifying those and just inviting people in has to be the way.
Speaker 1:Well, podcast will have an American cultural anthropology session and diagnosis of what we're doing right and what we need to improve on. It sounds like we're touching on a couple of those issues here. Any other any other questions that you think we should tee up as we think through this? What about budget questions and and conversations on the front end?
Speaker 2:Yeah. We just have to have very straightforward, clear conversations. What is financially feasible and for how long? Mhmm. Sometimes you need third party partners to help you navigate those difficult converse conversations and understand what are the real factors into the equation, admitting that as well, is a great first step.
Speaker 2:You don't know what you don't know. And so you do need to resource people who can help you, make informed decisions.
Speaker 1:That's great. Okay. So as we wrap up this high level exploration of this, what is your recommendation for people? Should they explore this, or is this something that they should stay away from? What do you what do you what are you recommending here?
Speaker 2:I think if it if it can be done well in a family that has full buy in, there the benefits far outweigh, the negatives. Mhmm. And you do need full buy in from family members, and you do need to have, supporters, you know, teed up and ready to go. So it might take a little longer to have those initial conversations to get to, the understanding that you're ready to do this, but it's generally worth it. And those conversations are just golden.
Speaker 1:Awesome. Let's have some golden conversations. Let's dive into that. Add value to even the working out of all of this. Some real richness it sounds like you're saying you've seen and you're advocating for as we go forward.
Speaker 2:I am advocating for more family alignment for sure.
Speaker 1:Great, great. Well, okay, so that's the early exploration of moving in together. There's so many more layers to that. We hope to bring on people in the podcast that have done this, we are planning that for the future. We wanna make sure that you see real examples of how this works out.
Speaker 1:But we wanted to tee you up with these three options. Margaret can move home to her house, she could explore a senior living community, or she can move in with her family. And all options have good and some tricky pieces to them, but hopefully you've gained from having us walk you through them. That's our series. Margaret has gone from falling to once again being somewhere wherever is best for her where she can be well taken care of, well appreciated, and loved, and the family can work on these things together.
Speaker 1:So that's our conversation for today and our series for this time. Rebecca, thank you for sharing your wisdom with us throughout this series. Our hope is that you're all walking away a little more equipped and maybe even a little more hopeful than when we started. Wherever you are on this journey, call us at any point. We're here to help.
Speaker 1:Rebecca, any Absolutely. Final
Speaker 2:Yes. Get a partner to walk the journey with. We're right here.
Speaker 1:We're happy to help. That's it. Thanks for joining us, and we'll see you next time on the Senior Hub Podcast.