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Motherhood asks us to do it all, but what if the real strength is in just being?
This is Leaning into Being. Erika Hanafin, mom, stepmom, founder, and co-parent hosts alongside Amri Kibbler, mother, founder, and cancer survivor.
We get it. Motherhood is beautiful chaos. And whether you're juggling babies in business, toddlers in to-do lists, or just trying to catch your breath. We're here for it. All of it, the real, the raw and the moments that make it all worth it. Each episode focuses on relatable situations, resources, and experiences to help you balance the beautiful chaos of motherhood and ambition. This show is designed for all mamas seeking community and connection in her definition of success.
This is Leaning Into Being.
[00:00:00] Hilary Phelps: When I think of Leaning Into Being, it comes back to that acceptance, right? That self acceptance of, where am I today? And that's okay, that it doesn't have to show up as perfect. I just have to show up the, and it sounds so cliche,
I am Erika and I'm Amri. This is Leaning Into Being the podcast for mamas who know that real strength isn't just in doing, but in being be you. Be present, just be.
[00:00:25] Erika Hanafin: Amri, I'm so excited about today's Leaning Into Being podcast guest, Hilary Phelps, who is a dear friend. She is an advocate, speaker, coach. And All around incredible woman who has inspired many all across the globe.
[00:00:44] Amri Kibbler: I'm so excited to talk to her. Her story is so riveting. She was the nation's fastest swimmer at age 14 and she's overcome so much. She overcame addiction. She's been sober for 17 years and every time I connect with her and talk with her, she has so many heartfelt and thoughtful insights into her journey and her recovery.
[00:01:07] Amri Kibbler: So I can't wait to talk to her.
[00:01:09] Erika Hanafin: And I'm super excited to hear all about her emphasis on the importance of nurturing emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental wellness, as well as what's going on in her role as motherhood with her and her son, Alexander.
[00:01:24] Amri Kibbler: Let's get started.
[00:01:29] Erika Hanafin: Hillary we are so excited to have you on our podcast Leaning Into Being today We always like to start off our episodes centering ourselves on our shared experiences of motherhood Where are you in your journey? Yeah In life and in motherhood.
[00:01:47] Hilary Phelps: Oh my gosh, that's such, all of a sudden, all this emotion came up. literally, my son is seven, so he's in first grade. that's where I am as far as like literal timeline of motherhood. I feel like I'm just coming into the stage though of being enough. Right? And what I mean by that is for a really long time I was like well I'm not doing enough for him or I'm not reading enough or teaching enough or doing enough and now I'm like where I am is okay but it feels like it took seven years to get there.
[00:02:14] Amri Kibbler: my gosh, that's a huge milestone to get to. I feel like some days I'm not even there. The space of being enough for wherever you are and whatever you're doing. congratulations, because that's like, that's a really big thing to hit, especially as a mom.
[00:02:31] Hilary Phelps: Thank you. I mean that's today, right? Tomorrow it could be different. be fair.
[00:02:37] Amri Kibbler: we talk about there's so much pressure on moms to do it all and to have it all. What do you think about that and how does that idea play into your personal narrative?
[00:02:50] Hilary Phelps: So again, I think it depends on the day. and it all comes back to I've done a lot of work on myself. Like we'll probably talk about like I'm sober and I do a lot of inner work and self reflection and so the days that I feel really good, I feel okay with the juggle, meaning like I don't have to have it all and that's okay.
[00:03:07] Hilary Phelps: And when it comes down to it, my son is at the center of all of that. And so if I have to sacrifice,for example, tonight a friend's having a birthday party, but my son has two homes, right? And so I said I'm so sorry I can't come because that's my time with him. And that's the most important.
[00:03:24] Hilary Phelps: But I think that balance is really hard because there are times when like self care is really important and sleep It's really important. And if I don't get those things, I don't show up well for him. And so Something I've learned over this last Year that's really important that helps with this is like how do I feel about it?
[00:03:41] Hilary Phelps: Like where am I in this space? So whether it's Saying no to a dinner or going to bed early with my son, whatever it is, like, how do I feel about it versus like, how is he feeling about it, or how is someone else gonna feel about me not showing up, or how is something else? And so coming back to my own needs has been really important in that quote, having it all, because when my needs are met, or when I'm okay with something, then I feel okay with having it all, just means that I'm in a good place physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually.
[00:04:13] Hilary Phelps: So then I can be there for other people, most importantly my son.
[00:04:17] Erika Hanafin: It's so important. I want to touch on your sobriety. You're 18 years sober, have that
[00:04:25] Hilary Phelps: almost 18,
[00:04:27] Erika Hanafin: and a half, almost there. 17 and a half, but still a huge milestone. I've had the privilege of hearing you talk about your sobriety journey on a number of different panels. Can you share with our audience?
[00:04:41] Erika Hanafin: That journey for you and your personal story of how you redefined your success to where you are today.
[00:04:49] Hilary Phelps: That's such a great question. sobriety is such a personal thing. It's such a personal journey. And so I got sober in 2007. I was 29 years old. and sobriety and mental health wasn't as Talked about it as it is today. And so when I got sober, I didn't know anybody else that wasn't drinking.
[00:05:05] Hilary Phelps: I didn't know anybody else that was sober. I didn't know anybody else that had gone to rehab. I didn't know anybody. And so for me, I really stepped into that space completely on my own. They checked myself into treatment. I'll give the short version.but I was a blackout drinker, and I was just drinking wine.
[00:05:19] Hilary Phelps: And so I thought that if I was drinking wine, I wasn't, the image then that's portrayed on the media was like Meg Ryan in When a Man Loves a Woman. sneaking vodka, Falling through shower doors, and I wasn't quite like that. I was blacking out. I didn't remember what happened the night before.
[00:05:34] Hilary Phelps: Flip phones were still a thing, so social media, like this age of taking photos all the time, it wasn't a thing. And I just, I had enough. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired all the time. And so for me, The shame of hiding it, living the secret double life almost felt too much to carry.
[00:05:52] Hilary Phelps: And so I checked myself into rehab. And,recovery is a huge part. 12 steps were a huge part of my recovery, and I started to find a different community. But I didn't talk about it because I was embarrassed. There was still a huge shame component. And, fast forward, 15 years in 2022 when the numbers of female drinking was on the rise, The increase in women drinking at home with young children was 300 percent during COVID. Women, the deaths among women because of alcoholism and alcohol related diseases were catching up to men for the first time in, 70 years. and so this, these numbers started to feel really scary and real. And so what I realized was that if I could share my story and one woman could hear her story in mine and get the help that she needed, then that was enough.
[00:06:38] Hilary Phelps: Because this ripple effect, whether you're sober, whether you're, a mentally well mom, like whatever that is, the ripple effects that we carry in society and carry in our homes. and for me, most importantly with our children is so important. And so that, again, that ripple effect of going out, if I could impact the life of one woman.
[00:06:55] Hilary Phelps: And what I realized was that it completely changed my professional life, my personal life. it really, and what it told me was that conversation was necessary.
[00:07:05] Amri Kibbler: it's really quite amazing how in the past few years, sobriety has really spread and you're talking about the ripple effect. and for so many different reasons, I'm sober actually because of my health and you see that happening. And there. Are women who are becoming sober curious and who have decided to become sober, not necessarily because they're addicts, but because of the benefits and because of so many other things that, are a part of their lives, so it must be just a world away from the space that you are in, back in, did you say 2007 when you're coming out of recovery and you are all alone there.
[00:07:48] Amri Kibbler: how has, the sober community really grown and come to support women like you and women who are getting sober today?
[00:07:58] Hilary Phelps: That's not a great question. it's such an emotional topic, and sometimes I just move through my day and I forget.
[00:08:09] Hilary Phelps: And I forget because there's such a spectrum of, Recovery, or not drinking, right? There's someone like me who, I consider it as a disease, addiction, substance use disorder. It was not possible for me to stop on my own, and that to somebody that doesn't really understand it, it's hard to understand.
[00:08:27] Hilary Phelps: my son asks me, he's I don't, because I talk very, in small bits at seven year old. Understanding what it was like because I want him to know from an early age that this is a genetic disease and thatit's possible But to explain it to someone that doesn't understand it's like I the closest thing I could see was there was a meme on social and it saidfor those that don't understand addiction, imagine every time you go to reach for your phone, that's how an addict is with a drink or a drug.
[00:08:54] Hilary Phelps: And you don't realize it, and you just, you do it, and you mindlessly, it's the same thing. It's a mental, physical, emotional craving. and what is so beautiful to see now is that there's this spectrum ofSober and Sober Curious. There's someone like me that identifies as an addict with substance use disorder.
[00:09:10] Hilary Phelps: and what is most important to me now is that it's being defined as a disease and not it's not a willpower thing. Because that was not an option. It's not like me giving up sugar or,working out every day for a week. it was something that's really sick and, There is so much attention, rightfully to cancer and diabetes and heart disease and all of these things.
[00:09:30] Hilary Phelps: And for me, it's really, hopeful to see that addiction is now being,called a disease because it really is. It's a brain disease. But what I love now about the spectrum of it is like there's gray area drinking, Amy, there's like people that Like you described, it's not serving me from a health standpoint, so I'm not going to drink and it's everything is acceptable or more acceptable than it was.
[00:09:50] Hilary Phelps: And that's what I like. Because at the end of the day, whether it's not drinking or not eating sugar or deciding to, I don't know, live your life a certain way, or it's that just that about allowing people to be who they are and the acceptance of people where they are, is such a beautiful thing. And I think with sobriety, it's really given.
[00:10:12] Hilary Phelps: People the chance to explore whatever that looks like for them. Sober Curious, Gray Area Drinking, Addiction Recovery. and I love that it's it's so widely accepted where it wasn't 17 years ago.
[00:10:25] Amri Kibbler: Part of what I wanted to ask about, and I don't think I really reiterated this into the question, is that even for me as someone who's not an addict, I find there's instances where I felt like a little awkward or uncomfortable where everybody has a drink and you walk in and they're like, okay, what can I get you to drink?
[00:10:41] Amri Kibbler: Or you sit down and everyone orders drinks at the table. I'm like, can I have a tea? and what was that like for you? And how do you deal with that?
[00:10:51] Hilary Phelps: So in the beginning I just didn't go out. Like I wouldn't go out with people that weren't drinking, 17 years ago.And then there are kind of these tools that, I would learn from other women, like always carry sparkling water with a lime and never let somebody else offer you a drink, in a cocktail party, because then always have it full, always get your own, because if someone else asks you, then you have to maybe answer that uncomfortable question of, Oh, I'm just drinking sparkling water.
[00:11:15] Hilary Phelps: And then people, are you pregnant? Are you sick? Are and it's it's none of your business. But people don't seem to mind asking those really personal questions. now I think, after doing it for 17 years, I'm just you can think what you want. I know for me, and then there are the, the funny things like, if I have a drink, I'll, break out in handcuffs or people will say these really funny remarks that kind of put people on their heels.
[00:11:37] Hilary Phelps: And they're like, I don't understand that. And it's yeah, it's not pretty. But I think for a while it was really that self acceptance that came first, like accepting that this is where I am.and then it didn't really matter what anybody else thought, but that took a lot of time and a lot of practice.
[00:11:51] Hilary Phelps: And I think having a community of other people, whether it's just friends that support your goals, whether it's not drinking or working out or eating healthier, like whatever that is, but having that community of people that support you is so important to fall back on.
[00:12:05] Erika Hanafin: So true. And I love that self acceptance. Like we have to do a lot to give ourselves grace and accept who we are and, where we are in the seasons that we are in. Hilary, one of the things that I love so much about you is you're nurturing, just demeanor. You're so warm and welcoming and you focus a lot On holistic health and the four bodies of wellness, nurturing, emotional, spiritual, physical, and mental wellness. How are these four interconnected? Why is it critical for us as women, as mothers, to continue to understand these four bodies of wellness during life in general and through transitions?
[00:12:53] Hilary Phelps: I love all of your questions. I've been on several podcasts before, and these are all, different than ones I haven't had before, and so I appreciate them. I think my belief is that we have these four bodies, emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical, and they make up who we are. Same thing as, being a mom, or being a mom.
[00:13:08] Hilary Phelps: We are, we're a woman first. We're a mom. We're a partner. We're, in our professional space. It's like we have all of these. These things that make up who we are. and we go back to that balance question, right? if my, physical body is out of balance, sometimes that looks like my spiritual body will be out of whack.
[00:13:27] Hilary Phelps: And what I mean by that is maybe I'm short tempered or maybe I'm irritable, And so having a good balance of all of those, I think, really makes us this whole person. And so if I lean too heavily on one, You know than everything else and it's not about being perfectly aligned or in balance, but it's For me, I found it's bringing attention to all of those things.
[00:13:46] Hilary Phelps: I was a division one Scholarship record holder swimmer and an Ironman and all of these things I don't have to do that anymore to keep my physical Body in balance, but I do have to move it, so this morning I did 20 minutes on the Peloton I did 20 minutes of meditation and it doesn't have to be so all encompassing But I just every day bring a little bit of balance to each one of those bodies To keep my whole person in balance
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[00:15:16] Erika Hanafin: And can you share how like. I'm sure it's different by day, but what are your non negotiables to make sure that happens?
[00:15:25] Hilary Phelps: So my non negotiables For me, it's emotional. Like my emotional well being tops everything, and what I mean by that is I'm gonna try to give a succinct answer. I can create stories, right? And so if something's not going my way, I can create a story about why that is. it's because this, and this, it's because that person doesn't like me, or it's because I'm not successful, or I made a bad, whatever it is.
[00:15:45] Hilary Phelps: And so if I can bring myself into emotional regulation and Emotional well being every day, then everything else for me falls into place. so my non negotiables are I do, nervous system regulation and check in multiple times a day. And that kind of goes back to what I was saying. It's what do I need in this moment or how am I feeling?
[00:16:03] Hilary Phelps: and nine times out of ten, that sets me up for a pretty decent,Because it brings it back to that acceptance. It brings it back to self. It brings it back to control the things I can control. meditation. I try to do two 20 minute meditations a day. It does noise. I did Vedic meditation, which is sitting in silence with a mantra and it helps me quiet my mind and just tap into my body.
[00:16:27] Hilary Phelps: And meditation, emotional nervous system regulation and sleep and water. Those are non negotiable if I don't get sleep. I'm not very fond of being around. And so for me that means 8 hours of pretty, solid sleep. If I don't get it, I try to lay down for a 30 minute nap at some point during the day.
[00:16:43] Hilary Phelps: and water. And if I can get those things in line, Everything else is gravy. I do try to move my body at least 15 minutes a day. In a perfect day, it's 45 minutes. but those are my
[00:16:55] Amri Kibbler: I love that. So the title of our podcast is Leaning Into Being. So we always like to ask, what does Leaning Into Being mean to you? What is your place of being? And how do you find that space for yourself within motherhood and beyond?
[00:17:10] Hilary Phelps: When I think of Leaning Into Being, it comes back to that acceptance, right? That self acceptance of, where am I today? And that's okay, that it doesn't have to show up as perfect. I just have to show up the, and it sounds so cliche, but the best version of myself and today that version could be better based on what I do or the things I think or the, behaviors that I'm amplifying or suppressing.
[00:17:31] Hilary Phelps: But I think it all comes back to that self acceptance, on any given day. and again,for motherhood, for me, I'm a knowledge seeker, right? I was a straight A student, I was all of these things, I'm a type A, I like, I do. And for For me, it comes back into That being, there's some things I don't have to do all the time. I don't have to do more to be better.
[00:17:49] Hilary Phelps: I just have to be more to do better. That makes sense. It made sense in my mind.
[00:17:57] Erika Hanafin: I love it.
[00:17:58] Hilary Phelps: I think it's this flow, right? Like I, for me, Culture tells us we have to be a certain way. Our family tells us, society, everything. to be a woman, you have to be X, Y, and Z. To be successful, you have to be this. To be a mom, you have to be this. But Leaning Into Being means leaning into being who I am.
[00:18:13] Hilary Phelps: And on any given day, that can look different. But as long as I'm okay with that, knowing that every day is not going to be my best day, knowing that every day that there might be a time, There was one afternoon, or evening, recently, a couple months ago, my son was just like, and we've all been there, right?
[00:18:29] Hilary Phelps: He was, he's energetic, he's a lot, he's tired, he's all this, and I was like, I'm gonna lose my effing mind if we don't get in the bath right now. And he stopped and looked at me and was like, Who talks to their child that way? And I was like, oh my gosh, you're right. You are 100 percent right. I shouldn't talk to anybody that way, let alone my child, and I'm so sorry,
[00:18:51] Hilary Phelps: And I took it as a moment to like, but in that moment, I felt terrible. The next day, I felt terrible, And That amends that I can make to him is never doing it again, accepting that, It was a moment in time taking responsibility for what I did and saying, I'm sorry, which also shows him that I'm not perfect.
[00:19:08] Hilary Phelps: He's not perfect. We can own our stuff and still move on. And then the acknowledgement that tomorrow is going to be better. And I think that's the leaning into being like leaning into knowing that every moment as it comes is okay. Knowing that we can make a change in the next one if we want to be better.
[00:19:25] Hilary Phelps: But it's also, it's just okay to be.
[00:19:27] Erika Hanafin: It's so true. I always say that it's you're, we always have this box, right? You have to fit in this box. And that's not necessarily true because that box is archaic, right? And especially for moms and women, like you said, and we have to be able to accept the, where we are and be okay with it and give ourselves grace and also recognize, like you said, that, sometimes we're just going through those seasons or we're having a bad day.
[00:19:54] Erika Hanafin: If it's that, if that's the season, or my win is getting the kids in the car and getting them to school on time, and that's good enough for the day and appreciate that,
[00:20:05] Erika Hanafin:
[00:20:06] Hilary Phelps: Hilary, you have Inspired so many women all across the globe. What advice or tip would you give to women who are balancing the demands of motherhood, potentially experiencing personal growth or navigating what that might look like and maybe even navigating recovery?Yeah.so I think one of the most important things, and I've said this, and it comes back to what do I need? And so one of my favorite tools, I work with a lot of women in, whether it's finding their voice, their purpose, getting sober, navigating a divorce, right? These challenges and transitions that we all have in life.
[00:20:43] Hilary Phelps: And Coming back to self and what does that look like? What does that look like? It's just putting your hand on your heart, acknowledging you, like who you are physically, like physically touching and then saying what do I need in this moment? anybody can do this at any point in the day. You can do it in a bathroom, you can do it in a car pickup line, you can do it, you know, before you get out of bed in the morning, like, what do I need?
[00:21:03] Hilary Phelps: Right? And sometimes for me that I burst into tears. Because what I didn't realize how much I've been holding, right? Because I think we just keep going and so I just cry and that Emotional release and that nervous system detox and just ringing it out feels so good and I just let it be Right, or maybe I need to you know, go hug my partner because I'm just feeling really lonely Maybe I need to call my mom.
[00:21:25] Hilary Phelps: Maybe like maybe there's something but something will come up and in my experience and the women I've worked with, if we give ourself enough time, sometimes it's a little bit, to let that inner voice come out. We will be guided and steered in, based on our intuition.
[00:21:41] Hilary Phelps: And for so long, I think we shut down that intuition because of that box we're supposed to be in. I say it air quotes, we're supposed to be. This is what a successful woman looks like. This is what a successful mom looks like. This is what we're told we're supposed to be by, again, institutions, education, people, culture, society, all of these things tell us who we're supposed to be.
[00:21:59] Hilary Phelps: But if we can just get quiet in that one minute and ask ourselves, what is it that we need? We can start to hear our own inner voice and guidance on who we are supposed not supposed to Who we want to be and that is never wrong And so getting silent or getting a little bit quiet and just starting to tap into that inner wisdom is so powerful and so good Two is accountability, right?
[00:22:21] Hilary Phelps: Accountability or community, like that is so beautiful to get Another voice, right? Have somebody else say no, I feel the same way. when I had that moment with my son, when I was like, I'm going to lose my mind, I felt so guilty. But I talked to another mom.
[00:22:35] Hilary Phelps: She's I've had those moments too. And you're like, okay. So being able to have a community where you can use your voice and share is You don't feel alone because when we're alone is when we start making up those stories about what it means, right? So having a community of other women who see us exactly as we are and love us for who we are is so important And then accountability, right?
[00:22:54] Hilary Phelps: Having somebody else in your corner, whether it's a coach, a therapist, a friend I joke and say I have this board of directors You know a handful of women that I can go to with something and they call me on my BS Which is good too, like you want someone that you know, lovingly will call you on Your stuff,
[00:23:10] Hilary Phelps: Because we cannot co sign whatever it is in our head that we want it to be or we think it should be. And so having somebody, to just bounce those off of is something that in my 17 years of sobriety has been the most valuable thing.
[00:23:22] Amri Kibbler: we could talk to you literally all day, but we're coming up to the end of our time. and we have one question that we always like to ask at the end. what is one time or moment that you're still laughing about, or you can't believe that you made it through?
[00:23:43] Hilary Phelps: There's so many, but I would say Honestly, I think at this moment, right? And I say that because of this. Because 17 years ago when someone told me to go a weekend without drinking, I thought it was impossible. I didn't think I could do it. I didn't think I could go a day. And so the fact that I've stacked day on day and hour on to that and gotten to this moment, I'm still in shock that it's been 17 years since I've had a drink or a drug to change the way I feel.
[00:24:09] Hilary Phelps: that one. and the biggest gift is that my son hasn't seen me have a drink or a drug to change the way I feel his entire life. And that's a gift. And I'll never know the impact that has on him, which is so wonderful. But I think it's all of the hard moments, too. I think back to the Ironman.
[00:24:24] Hilary Phelps: I finished an Ironman in 14 hours in Lake Placid and I just randomly signed up for it. I was like, why not? this will be fun. And I got through it and I'm like, oh my gosh. And I think all of those moments, you think, how am I going to get through this? And it's literally that ridiculous phrase.
[00:24:38] Hilary Phelps: It's like, how do you eat an elephant? It's one bite at a time, and it's like any challenge in life. It's just doing it day in and day out, taking it one bite at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time. and I think oftentimes when we do that, we look back. We are amazed at how strong we are as women and moms and business owners and friends and daughters.
[00:24:58] Erika Hanafin: that is so incredible. What a way to end our podcast. Thank you so much for joining us today. Our first podcast of 2025 with Hilary Phelps.
[00:25:09] Hilary Phelps: Yeah. Thank you ladies for having me. This was wonderful.
Mama, you are doing enough. You are enough. So take a breath, lean in, and just be, be you. Be present. Just be.