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What happens when the very lens shaping your world is invisible to you?In this intimate conversation, coach and author Melissa Ford shares her journey of uncovering the deep, unconscious belief that “I don’t matter”, and how that hidden story colored her relationships, her work, and her sense of self.Melissa and I explore the shift from concealing who we are, managing our image, protecting ourselves, controlling how others see us, to the profound freedom that comes when we reveal what’s really true. Along the way, Melissa describes the wake-up calls, messy moments, and liberating insights that transformed her marriage, her coaching practice, and her ability to fully engage with life.If you’ve ever found yourself second-guessing, over-controlling, or living under the weight of old conditioning, this conversation is an invitation to see the invisible lens shaping your reality, and to experience the deeper love, connection, and creativity that comes when you reveal rather than conceal.Thank you for listening to The Innerverse of Business and Life Podcast! Don't forget to follow for new episodes every Thursday and visit Barb's website (https://barbarapatterson.com/) for more resources.SHOW NOTES:* [00:00] - Transformation Through Coaching* [07:58] - The Journey of Self-Discovery* [17:25] - Unraveling Core Beliefs* [25:10] - Shifting Perspectives in Relationships* [36:48] - The Power of Revealing vs. ConcealingSHOW LINKS:* Connect with Melissa on LinkedIn (https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissafordcoaching/)* Visit Melissa’s website (https://melissafordcoaching.com/)
What happens when the very lens shaping your world is invisible to you?
In this intimate conversation, coach and author Melissa Ford shares her journey of uncovering the deep, unconscious belief that “I don’t matter”, and how that hidden story colored her relationships, her work, and her sense of self.
Melissa and I explore the shift from concealing who we are, managing our image, protecting ourselves, controlling how others see us, to the profound freedom that comes when we reveal what’s really true. Along the way, Melissa describes the wake-up calls, messy moments, and liberating insights that transformed her marriage, her coaching practice, and her ability to fully engage with life.
If you’ve ever found yourself second-guessing, over-controlling, or living under the weight of old conditioning, this conversation is an invitation to see the invisible lens shaping your reality, and to experience the deeper love, connection, and creativity that comes when you reveal rather than conceal.
Thank you for listening to The Innerverse of Business and Life Podcast! Don't forget to follow for new episodes every Thursday and visit Barb's website for more resources.
This podcast is a space to explore the profound connection between our inner world and our work in the world. We dive deep into the heart of what it means to live and work from a felt knowing of our essential selves – aligned, alive, and fully expressed. We’ll play at the intersection of business, spirituality, consciousness, and growth.
Through intimate conversations with thought leaders, change-makers, authors, and humans just like you and me, you’ll hear real stories of transformation and the internal shifts, “aha” moments, and wake-up calls that have helped them to access new dimensions of creativity, higher levels of intelligence, unlock dormant potentials and experience greater joy and fulfillment.
Barbara Patterson (00:56)
Hi, it's Barb. Welcome to the universe of business and life. Today I'm joined by coach and author or as she says, reluctant author, Melissa Ford. This conversation is such a powerful one. Melissa shares how uncovering the invisible lens of an unconscious belief she had that I don't matter, completely shifted her life from her marriage to her work and ultimately to how she relates to herself.
We talk about what happens when we live in concealment or managing our image or protecting ourselves versus the freedom and connection that comes when we're willing to reveal the truth, first to ourselves and then to others. What I love about Melissa's story is how real and how human it is. It's not about fixing or forcing change, but about noticing hidden conditioning that shapes our lives and discovering ways to open up.
to what's true beyond the thoughts, beyond the conditioning. I think you're really going to appreciate how honest she is. I think you're going to walk away from this conversation feeling a sense of that liberation for yourself. As always, I am so glad you're here. If you know anyone that would benefit from this conversation, please share it. And now let's dive in.
Barbara Patterson (02:24)
Melissa, thank you so much for being here. I know just in the few minutes we've been chatting before HitRecord, am super excited for us to begin. I can't wait to have you share. And I'll just let the audience know that already I was getting wind of Melissa's willingness to share really personal, meaningful insights and shifts that have happened. And I'm going to start with
the phrasing you said, Melissa, I might not have it exact, but like in a dramatic way, you are not the same person you were. And I'm wondering like, let's start there. What do you mean by that? And welcome by the way.
Melissa Ford (03:05)
well, thanks for having me, Barb. I'm really happy to be here. And, you know, I've had my eye on you for a while through the professional training with George and Linda Pransky and just people that I know who have worked with you. So I'm really excited to be here. It's awesome. Yeah. Yeah. If if if I had started listening to a podcast.
Barbara Patterson (03:16)
Yeah.
Well, likewise. Yeah. Thank you, Melissa.
Melissa Ford (03:29)
a year or even two years ago and I heard somebody profess I'm not the person I was, I would have thought, yeah, mm. There'd been a lot of skepticism around that line. But for me, I've been a coach for the last 15 years. I am a firm believer in getting coached as a coach. It's so important because...
who I am is what I bring to my coaching. And so if there isn't a continual opening and a deeper understanding of my own life and how the world works and how reality gets created, I'm gonna be hard pressed to really help somebody. What I'm gonna be doing is I'm gonna be projecting all my stuff onto them, thinking that I've got the answers and I'm gonna miss a level of...
connection and questioning that could lead to the possibility of somebody experiencing some level of transformation. So I'm fully committed to continuing to be coached in my own life. And I've had amazing people and amazing coaches who have mentored and coached me. So the moment that I'm talking about was probably about four or five years ago.
And at the time, and I still am, but at the time I was being coached by Claire Diamond, who's a coach out of the UK.
I showed up as who I thought I really was, which was somebody who projected an image of really having it together and...
looking like there weren't a lot of mistakes that got made. I've heard you say similar things when you've talked with people. So there was just this, and there, was an edge to me, but I thought that was part of my strength and my, yeah, my, what people would want from me in some way. And I'm in this conversation, this coaching conversation.
Barbara Patterson (05:03)
Yes.
Melissa Ford (05:21)
And I laugh, I must have been complaining about my husband, I think, in this conversation. And Claire says to me, oh, I see. You think you don't matter.
And I don't know if you've experienced, Barb, when somebody says something and as the kids would say, I was shook to my core. It was so true. I had never seen that before. I had never been told that before. And it was stunning to me. And I think I said something like,
what do you mean? But she had hit it. Something that had been such a core fear, such a wound that the Melissa identity had built itself around and nobody had ever told me. for me, one of the biggest gifts we can give our clients and prospective clients is to, as lovingly as we can,
share something, say something that maybe they never heard before. Because in my world, I didn't think that's what was believed by me. In fact, I wasn't even conscious of it. It was a subconscious conditioning. I actually thought it was my husband who believed it. And the people in my building who didn't talk to me in the elevator.
This huge projection around me and certain friends and when I'd send a text and somebody wouldn't text back right away I mean it permeated everything in my life But that lens was so invisible to me the lens of I don't matter that I was just functioning this in this world trying to You know control people's behavior so they'd be the way that I would want them to be and they'd say what they were supposed to say and they would
compliment me, but not too much, but just a bit, you know, the whole thing. And when I started to continually notice that this belief, I don't matter, was operating, my life started shifting. And it wasn't just the noticing of it. It was also the willingness to have the
experience the emotion, the sensation that came with it and stay in it. I had been avoiding almost my whole life having any feeling but feeling good. Oddly, humans have more emotions than that, I find out. But, you know, I stayed in it and I continued to as best I could question the
Barbara Patterson (07:44)
and
Melissa Ford (07:56)
narratives that would show up, not as a way to change them, like, I don't matter, you know, but to see the truth and what was real about what was being believed, but doing it from more of a witnessing observational space, not a Melissa identity in that illusion trying to control and shift it, because I had done that my entire life. So that's what shifted
for me is moving more and more out of the not mattering realm and more and more into this real space of unconditional love on more of a consistent basis. it's coming through what I shared, having the experience, questioning what was going on, as well as just simply asking myself, what do I want? So that's it.
And I'm happy to answer any questions.
Barbara Patterson (08:49)
Yeah, I have questions, absolutely.
First of all, thank you for sharing that. yeah, I think, you know, I can hear that those invisible subconscious conditioning or fears or concerns that are there and the power of somebody reflecting back to you in a neutral, loving space. And then that, you know,
Melissa Ford (09:11)
Mm-hmm.
Barbara Patterson (09:13)
landing and resonating and seeing the truth. Yes, I've been on the receiving end of those and I'm always so grateful for them. And I also want to just highlight that, I love also that that's usually what happens when a conditioning or a thought or an old belief kind of comes to the surface. We then get to see all the layers or all the ways in which we've been playing out. So I really love what you were saying, like, yeah, so me,
not being worthy, I could see all of sudden me overthinking a text not coming back soon enough, me trying to be professional and good enough so that I'd be respected, you know, like all those different motives and things that you... And I can hear that at least in this moment there was, you know, some neutrality or understanding with it, not a lot of...
judgment. Is that accurate? You, from you as you were trying to, as you saw more and more.
Melissa Ford (10:12)
from my coach of... â
Well, I want to say yes and no. The yes was there were moments of that ability to have the neutrality, to have this witnessing space. But there were a lot of moments of deep shame and embarrassment. you know, I spent, it sounds wild, I spent a lot of time crying. And
I would also say there were moments of extreme resistance because when the minds believed it to be this not mattering character, it also was going to fight to stay alive because it truly is believed to be me, but it isn't. So there would be a lot of, you know, seeking and resisting going on.
relative to my husband, the behavior looked like asking for what I wanted, but not really. So it'd be things such as, listen, if you want to go to this event, but you don't have to. Or, hey, I'm going to do this this weekend if you want to come along, but you don't have to. Like a lot of this and not just
for years, we're talking decades. I've been married a long time. So this was going on. There was a lot of seeking approval or appreciation in an underhanded way where, you know, when people do that enough after a while, you're just like, okay, fine. Yay, Melissa. It just, there was a lot of that trying to shore up this character that was running the show.
And I didn't even know this was going on. So the story in my head was this guy thinks I don't matter. And Brian, if you hear this interview, know how much you are loved. But this guy, you know, he's not doing what he should. I don't matter. There were so many, so much misunderstanding on my part. I didn't even really know who he was. He was just covered with this projection.
So.
Can I share this moment, like this real scene of something? It was so fascinating. After I was told this, don't matter, and I started to notice some of these behaviors that were a byproduct of this subconscious belief about me. My coach said to me, well, look, I've got a test. Do you want to do this? And so since I pay people to coach me, I'm going to
Barbara Patterson (12:21)
It is. Yeah.
Melissa Ford (12:41)
test out what they recommend, especially if it sounds horrific. So the recommendation was I could in one day go and get 10 no's. I could make a request because we could see my asking for something. It was always, I was hesitant. Like I wouldn't fully ask because I didn't even realize this at the time, but the thinking was that if I ask and I'm told no,
That's more reconfirmation. don't matter. So I'm going to stay away from that because that's just too darn scary. So I said, well, I'll agree to five no's because I work full time. And typically I don't get a lot of no's in my work. So this will be easy. All I have to do is call up my husband and then I'll ask him for stuff and he'll tell me no. We're done. I could send over the email. Mission accomplished. It's confirmed. Here we are.
Barbara Patterson (13:16)
Yeah.
Melissa Ford (13:31)
about 4.30 on this day that I'm gonna start the test. I'm supposed to get five no's for a week every day. I call him up and he answers. And I know what I have to do. I have to just get a no. So this should be pretty easy because he'll just right off the gate, out of the gate, say no. So I ask for him to bring home some food.
from this really great sushi place next to where he works. His response is, that's too bad. I just got sushi bento boxes for me and the guys. He has employees who work for him. Now, the Melissa before would have been, OK, well, that's OK. We can do it later. But I have to get a no. So I say, that's great. I'd still like to get some food from Sen Sushi. Will you pick it up for me?
There's this pause and he says, yeah, I'll do that, but I want you to order it.
My response is, because I'm going to win this, I'm going to get no's. I don't want to pick it. I don't want to order it. I want you to order it. Another pause. And then I say, do you have the phone number? Yes. OK, what do you want, he says. So I ordered this stuff that I know it's pretty expensive. So that's not really a great thing. And
In his estimation, it doesn't travel well.
So he's writing this down. said, okay, I'll do it. Can you get it here by 5 p.m.? It's now 4.30. Can you, well, I was planning on staying at work until 5.30. Well, I hear that, but I'd like it at five. Will you do that? Okay.
And I said, okay, all right, well, that's great. I'll see you at five. I finished the call. I'm like, what just happened?
Barbara Patterson (15:31)
That's amazing.
Melissa Ford (15:33)
It is. I call him
back because I've got to get a no. He picks up like on the first ring. What else can I get you? So I proceed. I don't have to get into all the details of it, but I make requests that are things that I know he would not want to do. They are things that are inconvenient. He doesn't like. He says yes to all of them.
Barbara Patterson (15:43)
you
Melissa Ford (15:58)
Okay, so that's that. What happens, he gets here before five o'clock. He's notoriously late. He gets here and he walks in and he has these two bouquet of flowers that I asked for. He's got the sushi order and he's like, yeah, you know, I remember you asked me for a measuring tape a couple of days ago and some toilet paper. I'm the queen of backups, so we have lots of toilet paper.
Barbara Patterson (16:06)
That's great.
Yeah.
Melissa Ford (16:26)
And I look at him and I just start crying. He's like, what's wrong? What's wrong? Now in that moment, and it took me a few other moments, Barb, to be able, over the course of the time, to see, to have this idea of me start to dissolve. But I saw, my gosh, I have been married for many decades to somebody who...
Barbara Patterson (16:36)
sure.
Melissa Ford (16:54)
wants to say yes to my requests and I matter. And it's not even that, it's just like I've been living in this world that wasn't even real.
Barbara Patterson (17:05)
Yeah. Wow. What an amazing story. And yeah, I'm curious, you know, first of all, I just want to say, like, what you beautifully kind of illustrated that, you know, so much of how we're perceiving the world and what other people, their intentions and their, what they're up to and why they do what they do is through the lens of our own.
conditioned beliefs, our own insecurities, our own ideas. So such a beautiful illustration of you sort of saying, wait a minute, there's something that's been at play here. And I love the exercise that helps you kind of just look at it and then to really what a gift to see that he in fact wants to give you what you want. I'm curious, like how, what did you make of it?
You know, what did you make of that as that moment or that journey of I matter and the illusion of, I've lived in this premise and belief that I don't. How did it shift just by waking up to it? how did it actually shift?
Melissa Ford (18:16)
Yeah.
Well, when you're what I was seeing that the story that's been projected on him of he doesn't think that I matter and all this stuff, it was true. Like the world, the relative world is solely comprised of conditioned beliefs that are projected and we don't know it. I mean, that's really what's going on. So
for me, it really wasn't even a confirmation that I matter. It was a confirmation that I had been living in this so real reality for so long. And I had a bag, I can say a shit ton of resentment because when that's believed, there's just this desperate need to try to feel better.
and somehow heal this wound or this idea, but it never can be because until it's seen for what it is, which it's not you, it's an idea, until that scene, it's going to keep replicating itself. So my response really in that moment was, I can't unsee this thing. This is just too darn big. Okay. And it would still show up and there would still be this
reaction and this resentment, but I had developed enough of a commitment, a practice, a willingness really to stay in that discomfort and have the sensations that go with it and then see something else. And I just kept doing that and doing that. And there's times where I, it didn't happen and I could hear
words come out of my mouth and a little jab here and a this there. But it was just over time that I, it wasn't such a lens anymore. It wasn't the reality I was living in. And it was, that was really a relief because my entire life, pretty much married life, I was constantly trying to manage behaviors so I could manage how I felt.
Barbara Patterson (20:30)
Yeah. It is exhausting. Yeah. And I thank you for that distinction. I think it's a good one. You know, that what you woke up to was how your version of the world was being painted internally by you. And that at one of at that in that example, there was a core belief kind of running underneath everything that was
Melissa Ford (20:30)
And that's very tiring. Yeah, yeah.
Barbara Patterson (20:57)
painting, it was the paintbrush. And so everything was seen through those, that lens or those glasses. And that's what you woke up to. And I think it's a really profound realization, obviously, as you said, it's shown up that way in your life, but also to really, because you see the illusion then, you see something that just looks so real, all of sudden, we're like, could I have been, I was painting this? that was just me?
Melissa Ford (21:24)
Yeah, that's right. And you know, I'll take it even further. And this is where it can get, I hope I can express this. I wasn't even doing it.
Barbara Patterson (21:24)
That's not a truth out there in the world.
Good.
Melissa Ford (21:37)
We hear people say things like it was done innocently or whatever. Really, it was done innocently and I wasn't doing it. It was a way of operating. It was almost like a survival thing and it was happening and it was coming through me. Now, this doesn't mean that I am giving up responsibility or accountability. It just means that I
wasn't consciously doing these things. It's almost as if it was coming through me. And as a result of that, there's just a clearer understanding of what is actually happening because we are beyond these psychological concepts we have of ourselves beyond. We come before this lived experience that feels like Melissa.
And so being able to see it from that observational witnessing space, there was
It was just clean and clear. It wasn't as if now, because I painted it and I did it, now I've got to go in there and try to make sure I don't do it again. And actually, that's just more of the same illusion. That's just more of the same. And nothing gets resolved there. It's just a reconfirmation and some people would say a retraumatization of the same notion. And it just gets
You know.
drilled into place. So I want to even say beyond that, it was just, wow, this is what's happening. And a lot of people might think, that's me giving up responsibility. No, it's not. You see it. And that noticing is the beginning of it changing.
Barbara Patterson (23:31)
sure. know a mentor of mine, Elsie Spittel, used to say, notice and stop. Like the noticing is the wake up. Like that's the profound, just to notice. And then yeah, my little self helper then wants to take over the brains and be like, okay, well, how do I fix this then? Everywhere. How do I? And, you know, so I, yeah, yeah. So I can appreciate that also.
Melissa Ford (23:52)
What do I do with this?
Barbara Patterson (23:58)
What you're pointing to is that in a way, know, conditioning happens. It's a normal part of our human experience and we don't consciously like sort and decide what I'm going to, you know, it's a impact of environment and family and, you know, schools and community and trauma, all that kind of stuff. But
to see conditioning and what you just so, you you're inviting us to really explore is you had a moment that was unpredicted, a wake-up call, appointing by a coach, right, a mentor. And in that, as soon as you woke up to it, as soon as you noticed it was the journey began, like you weren't then in charge of the journey, you weren't, but your consciousness,
around it would come to your aid is kind of maybe a way to say it. Like it would help us in the moments that we're in another pattern of it. That deeper understanding kind of does the heavy lifting and will come at some point and be like, hey, this might be one of those things again, you know, where you're tying your worth to something, you know? It's like, yeah, okay. Yeah.
Melissa Ford (25:12)
Yeah, that's right. That's
right. started to, I was told this, was told, Melissa, when there's any moment of stress in your life, the subconscious conditioning is operating. It's not happening out there. And that's not to deny that there aren't things happening out in the world. There are. But I'm better equipped to
arrive at choices about what I'm going to do when I can clearly see what is out there versus the projection overlaid on everything. Now I'm really closer to dealing with what's happening out there. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (25:56)
Yeah, and I think the, you know, what would you share or say to someone that, you know, like, hey, I know I have these patterns and it looks like I need to work on my self-worth or it looks like I lack confidence and that's my problem. How would you respond to that?
Melissa Ford (26:18)
Hmm.
would probably say something, it would depend on the person I'm speaking to and how long I've been connected to them, but it would be something along the lines of, know it looks like that's what you need to work on, but we're actually not gonna work on that. If.
And I might even say, how long have you known this and how long have you worked on your confidence and your low self-esteem? Yeah, so we're not going to do that anymore. It's really not where your own...
evolution lies. That's just more of the same. So we're gonna go somewhere else. So give me an example of a time where you feel like you lack confidence. And I'm just curious because now what I can do is I can start to hear their story and the beauty of having gone through this myself. And then it's not just been with my husband, it's been with my adult children, it's been with being more social, it's been with being more in the world.
The less there is of this Melissa to protect, the more I have this ability to be out there, which feels so good. So I, because of this experience, that was really the starting point for me, when I listen to somebody tell their story, I hear where they're caught up. I hear where their minds are trying to safeguard and secure an idea of them.
I can see all that going on and I can have deep love and understanding for it because not from a, this is what you say, but from a deep understanding, me as well, me too. So that's where I would start. then because so much has been seen over here, the conversation's just different with that other individual. The Melissa before would have gone down the path of let's work on your confidence.
Barbara Patterson (28:20)
Yeah, exactly. Well, I'm curious how has seeing like, and now I'll speak to it out of the specific worth piece, but seeing conditioning at play and shaping how you are painting your life and your picture of thing, how has seeing that in such a deep way impacted your own way you move in your business or in your life?
Melissa Ford (28:21)
You
I'm really glad you asked this. I want to share when I...
How it's impacted, I won't get into the story right away, but how it's impacted is that there is a greater ease with creating clients. There's a greater ease with being with people. There's a real connection with them and it's just more natural. There's just a naturalness to me.
offering a plan of action to somebody and somebody saying yes or somebody saying no, it's just much more of a flow. And it wasn't because I decided I'm going to be in the flow. It was what I started to see that was behind my actions as a coach who was learning how to create clients and wanted to make money. When I finally saw what was driving that, the whole house of cards fell down. And then
I started from that fresh place of, okay, what do I want? What am I going to do here?
Barbara Patterson (29:51)
So can, just to clarify, does that mean you saw like, I've, there's conditioning or idea or an identity here that's making creating clients look challenging. And then, so once that deck of cards fell down, you were just stepping into maybe new ideas or following through in a different way.
Melissa Ford (30:02)
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, was definitely... All of the resources that had been used to secure me were no longer being used for that. And when I say resources, I'm talking about focus and attention and intelligence and all of that. Creativity wasn't used to protect Melissa. It was used in actual client creation. So what had happened for me, you've interviewed the godfather of coaching.
Steve Chandler, am so eternally grateful to you. I found out about Steve in 2009-ish. No, no, I found out about him 14 years prior to that. But 14 years after, contacted the guy. So I get a hold of Steve and he and I start working together and he teaches me about creating clients through service. And I am...
Barbara Patterson (30:44)
We love Steve.
Melissa Ford (31:05)
hell-bent on making money and proving I can be a professional coach and full-time and I'm going after it and I was non-stop, know dog with bone for about 12 to 14 years and I Proved it every year not every year right away But made more money made more, you know, and it's that whole thing when I make this amount of money Then all but then there was another one and another one
So I had reached a annual income, I was like, wow, this is pretty incredible. But then there'd be the next year. And so in this work with Claire, we uncovered that this drive to prove that I could make money, what was really going on was that, and this was all subconscious as well, and it's so true, what was going on for me was that,
The logical thought was if I make money, then I will have a voice. And then when I have a voice, I can ask for what I want. And then when I ask for what I want, I'll finally matter.
Fascinating, isn't it? When I saw that, when I really saw that.
Barbara Patterson (32:25)
Yeah.
Melissa Ford (32:31)
I was like, wow, it's over there. It's in this business. It's this drive that's consumed me for over a decade plus. All good, I learned a lot. I took a lot of action. I served a lot of people, but wow. And when I saw that, I was at a place, Barb, where I could see it and...
I didn't continue to operate the way that I did. And it wasn't because I consciously decided I'm not going to do that. It just didn't make any more sense. So what occurred then was I watched the income go down. I never had any thinking like, my gosh, I've lost my mojo. No. I just saw, wow, check this out. And so I watched it go down.
Barbara Patterson (33:14)
Yeah.
Melissa Ford (33:21)
And I watched kind of, it felt like there was this inertia, but I just noticed it and I kind of did what I did. And I knew what I needed to do is if I wanted to have a new client and I just sometimes did and sometimes I didn't. And then what happened was there was just this.
desire to connect with people or a past client or somebody came in because I just wanted to really love.
And so I did, and I did it in the form of a coach in a coaching relationship. And there was a greater ease and there was a clearer scene and there was a, a flow because I wasn't so, like I said, the resources weren't trying to keep this Melissa intact. And then who doesn't, I mean, wow, isn't that fun? You get up and you get to love on people and that's what it became. And then.
of that, then there's always something to learn from a client because something gets projected over there or there has to be a willingness to say something that I might be afraid to say, but am I going to do it because people have been loving enough to do that for me. So that's what happened with that. This all sounds, you know, it may sound like magic or something, but really it's it's seeing what's really there without this
Barbara Patterson (34:45)
Yeah. Well, I think it's like that point that when our energy, our focus, our creative intelligence, all of that isn't needing to protect ourselves from something or trying to control all the variables that we just naturally then have more access to it to move in the direction of where our heart wants to go.
Melissa Ford (34:47)
concept.
Barbara Patterson (35:11)
And so I think that it's a really great question for people to maybe consider like how much of their creative bandwidth or their internal energy is going into perhaps trying to protect or control. You know, I often think about it, you know, about this sort of vigilance. used to, you know, I realized at one point, it's like I kind of always have one eye on myself going, all right, you doing it right?
Could you be doing it better? What could you have said? How could you say that different? What do you need to say ahead of that? And like you, I wasn't really conscious of it, but when I became aware and saw it, it was like, my God, no wonder I'm tired, right? Like you said, no wonder. And how much energy goes into that. And it was like, yeah, could I move with less of me on my mind? And what might you discover? And part of it was that.
less of me on my mind, I realized I had more energy, I had more insight or I had more connection. I was available to life in a very different way versus when I thought I had to be more vigilant with myself to get it all right, to get the life I wanted. So I think that view is really, really powerful. And you're right. If we're not
trying to control other people's perception or moods because we don't like what it feels like to feel uncertain or we don't like what it feels like to feel judged. Really another, the opposite side of the coin perhaps is, I get comfortable in the unknown? Can I get more more comfortable knowing I have what it takes to handle it?
You know, I don't need to think through every possible way a conversation would go to try and get them to not get upset. I can handle their upset. Like, we'll find our way.
Melissa Ford (37:06)
Yeah, absolutely. No, I love what you said. Yeah.
Barbara Patterson (37:12)
Yeah,
well, you know, Melissa, so part of what you've seen, if just to come back to that is you have more energy and more ability to use that creative intelligence in the direction of where your heart wants to go. Is there anything else that comes to mind when you think about how have you shifted in the way you move in your work and life as a result of what you're sharing?
Melissa Ford (37:36)
It's so much more fun because all the, not all, there's still more I'm sure, but many of the things I was afraid of don't even exist. So I do want to share another thing I've recently learned from my coach, Trevor Tembeck, and it comes from conscious leadership. It's called, it's the distinction of reveal versus conceal. I don't know if he shared this with you, Barb, but.
Barbara Patterson (38:03)
I'd love to
hear you share it.
Melissa Ford (38:05)
So good. Reveal versus conceal, which means conceal was how I operated for a really long time. It was image control. It was image control here, controlling you over there, thinking I'm controlling you over there, controlling what you might think of me. Like that's even possible. Okay. So all of this going on, talk about resources versus this idea of revealing.
and revealing myself to another person. And with enough practice, that becomes a connection with someone. So the revealing, what it's changed for me, because I've practiced this, is to share, for instance, I shared it with, recently with a colleague of mine, I revealed,
something that I was concerned about, I felt insecure about around our relationship. Now at first it might seem risky because you never know what kind of response you're gonna get. But if you're coming from revealing from a place of, hey, this is what was going on over here and you're not doing it so they make you feel better and you're not doing it to throw yourself under the bus, you're just doing it to put it out there. It's amazing.
the level of conversation, the depth of conversation that you can have with someone and where then you can go. So I use that also in my relationships with my clients. This doesn't mean that, you know, I jump in after every question and reveal something, but it's a way for me to be real with people in service to
this connected shared love that we have. And that has changed things. I also use it in my own life, my personal life. And sometimes it's really hard to do it because it's like, am I really gonna share that? Okay, hey Brian, I just wanna reveal or I just wanna tell you. And what I find time and time again, it's yeah, I'm really glad you told me, thank you.
Barbara Patterson (40:12)
Yeah.
Melissa Ford (40:21)
Or, yeah, Melissa, well, thanks for saying that, because me too, or whatever. So that's been so life-affirming, healing, connecting. It's strengthened me as a coach and a person.
Barbara Patterson (40:27)
Thanks
Yeah, that's beautiful. And I can't help but think that, you know, we could direct that to ourselves. Like, are we willing to reveal ourselves to ourselves, you know? And sometimes we're just, you know, in our busy, full lives, you know, where we're skimming across the surface. And often what you've just done so beautifully today is sort of invite this deeper inquiry or openness.
And that often, like that reveal as you shared at the beginning, didn't come without some bumps and tears and, you know, but also it came with liberation and freedom and love, you know, so yeah. Yeah, that's beautiful. Well, I have loved this conversation and...
Melissa Ford (41:21)
It did. It did.
Barbara Patterson (41:29)
You know, before we go, I just want to give you an opportunity. Is there anything else that's present for you today in this conversation that you'd like to share?
Melissa Ford (41:39)
really want to encourage people that it's okay to have the buffet of emotion.
We're not built for just one, like we're humans and all of it is, there's no good or bad in it. And to be able to do that because at some point you'll get really tired from running, from the things that you've avoided feeling or the conversations you've avoided or looking closer at the things that are covered in some level of shame.
you can move in this direction that I've talked about. And even if it is slightly uncomfortable or really uncomfortable, it is the portal to something beyond what you can't even imagine.
Barbara Patterson (42:30)
Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you so much, Melissa. I so appreciate you and your sharing today. Really meaningful for me, too.