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Welcome to the Love, Sex, and Leadership Podcast, where insightful dialogues and transformative teachings await. Join Aaron Kleinerman on a journey to explore the intersections of love, sexuality, and leadership. Through candid conversations with experts and live audio teachings, Aaron creates a safe space for self-discovery and empowerment. Embrace your true power, awaken your soul's wisdom, and live an inspired life as a natural, intuitive, and heart-centered leader. Dive into the mysteries of the universe and unlock the secrets to mastering the human experience. Tune in and embark on a path of profound transformation.
Ep 22 - Navigating Love and Leadership with Aren Bahia
[00:00:00] Welcome to the Love Sex and Leadership podcast where you can discover simple tantric teachings to embody your true power awaken your soul's wisdom and live an inspired life as a natural intuitive and heart centered leader
Welcome, welcome to another episode of Sex, Love, and Leadership and very grateful to have a dear friend many years here in the Bali world, Aren Bahia yeah, he was one of the speakers years ago in the integrated masculine symposium. He's a entrepreneur, he's just a stellar heart centered man who really makes a difference in the world and very grateful to have you on the show today. It's an absolute pleasure, as it usually is, to be around you and to be here and all the things.
I really appreciate that. Thank you for having me. You're welcome. You know, one of the things I first want to say when I feel you as a being, I feel this man that always has this circular, energy of [00:01:00] people around him, and you're, when I first met you here in Bali, like, you were consciously giving back to the community.
You were always doing things that were going to, what I felt, leave a legacy of love behind you, and I just want to appreciate that in you. It's really a quality I don't see in a lot of men, especially men with tattoos all over their body. There's a, there's a beautiful gift you, you've given your presence brother.
Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that. And honestly, it was kind of by design because as you know of my past, but maybe others don't like I grew up in a rough area. I was an organized crime and I was a drug dealer for about six years, seven. Maybe eight actually. And when I went down my spiritual path and spiritual journey, like I didn't feel like a good person.
And, and I was just like, man, I, I didn't know who I was. I was shifting to try to be someone spiritual, but I was like, how do I even do that? Like, what does that even mean? And all I could think of was, well, if you just do good things and be really nice to people, like good shit will happen around you. And that was just like, okay.
Cause, that makes sense [00:02:00] that that that made sense in my head. I could intellectualize that so I just consistently wanted to do good things and do good things for people as part of just like my social experiment. And my life turned out really cool because of it. So all these amazing things just started happening around me and you know, all the businesses launches and all that.
You know, again, having a big social network, it was because I just consistently was like, Hey, what can I do? That's going to be helpful. And then also it's going to be impactful anywhere that I go. Like any place when I just moved, I was in Canada for the last year before, um, after my motorcycle accident and I just started doing it there and started doing the exact same process.
Okay. I'm here in this community. Who do I want to connect with? That's doing some cool shit. Uh, how do I serve them? Okay. How do I serve the community? How do I bring people around me? And I just do the same process, like anywhere I go. And it really works. So I got a little formula just for that, just to build a cool life.
It's like, amazing. Be helpful. So really what I hear in that is, is a conscious question every day of how can I be of service? Yeah. How can I support others? Yeah. And it's [00:03:00] selfish for sure, because it's like, how can I do cool things that like with people I want to be around? And that was important because I just wanted to be around better people.
I wanted to have a cool friends network. I wanted to have like community around me. I'm a very social person. Um, and so I did that by design because I figured if, uh, you know, you'd know this in men's work, it's kind of like, who are we, where are we going? Who's coming with me? You know, that, those old questions.
Right. And I was like, well, I want to be going somewhere cool and I want cool people to come with me. I want people that are, I love being around. So when I had the the mission first to pick a mission to do, like say funding the kids school, uh, we've been funding a school for mentally disabled Balinese kids for eight years now, um, with the conscious arts tattoo shop and karma house, my two tattoo shops here in Bali.
And, uh, as soon as I like picked a thing to do, then I could find out who's coming with me, like, who am I bringing with me? And that would be much easier than to, like create, create community, but like being the fire starter first. And I'm sure you feel this so many times with like [00:04:00] different events or different leadership things or just anything you're doing.
It's like, well, pick something to do, like pick a thing and then see who comes or pick who you want to come with you. Yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I'm curious in that for you with a lot of the different leadership incentives and businesses and things that you're working on, where's like your edge right now in terms of leadership?
Like where's that piece that you're leaning into?
It's a funny one, the sense, I mean, it's being, uh, handling my ego, you know, and also handling like being in strong integrity, you know, where that wasn't always an easy thing, especially in a very sexy place like Ubud with extremely beautiful women around me nonstop. It's a four to one girl to guy ratio out here.
And, uh, I wasn't always in, as we've trained together, you know, it was a bit of an issue. It was like, how do I harness my male sexual energy and how do I be, um, more quality over quantity? And how do I be someone that's, you know, [00:05:00] really harnessing that. And, uh, I wanted to be someone in strong integrity. And especially with like, say a karma house, we have like a, a girls, not all girls, but we have a dance school with the most like beautiful women consistently all around me all the time.
And the edge there was like, kind of be a leader and, and really be someone that's loving instead of lustful and that's been the practice the last like month and I'm at or two months since we started this dance school. And I knew like this was gonna be really important and there's a you know a couple females that were in the in the dance school or that are around that I'm like naturally super attracted to like just a natural like that's my type.
You know the everything about them. And I was like, oh, this is definitely This is dangerous because I need to be a boss, but there's this natural primal, like she's funny. She's sweet. She's beautiful, expressive. And it's like, Oh wow. And it kind of reminds me of an ex girlfriend of mine a while back that we both know.
So there was also trauma,[00:06:00]
but I had to like, okay. This is a situation that you get to choose how to act and I'm going to choose to be a great boss and like a big brother type of energy instead of this boss that before might be these like underlying currents of like tentacles are reaching, you know exactly what I'm saying. Yeah, like like a door open where it's like, yeah, we can be I'm a flirt And I would always do the flirting where it's like, yeah, we're friends, but also,
"Hey, you know, if, you know, that kind of thing."
And I was like, that's not happening this time. Like this time, and I chose how to act. It's like this time, your edge is being in really firm integrity in that space and then also in firm integrity with your ego and being like, open to many ideas and being open to things being done and not be, um, just being a better leader.
And that's where like the edge was a little bit there was, it was interesting. It wasn't that hard to be honest, but it was just what was live and present for me [00:07:00] when, when you asked me that. Yeah. Yeah. It was like, okay, well how can I evolve my connection with being in power, being a male and being around consistent, beautiful females.
And that was something that it was just like, I did pretty good. I'm proud of myself. Well done. I love this theme because I feel like this is an area in. The work world where sexuality and leadership often have like gray lines, you know, and for me, I'm a male teacher in the world, the greatest possible, you know, I show up in the world and immediately there's often 1001 projections even before I've said hello, you know, so I've come to recognize that also from the place of realizing that that requires a certain level of integrity and clarity and to, you know, hold, like, your sexual body, but to not allow that to get in the way of the, the goal, and the business, and the drive, of where the creation that's happening there sometimes does [00:08:00] get in the way.
And this is often where you see gurus drawn bad, and things that, you know, get into power, and then if our erotic body isn't integrated with the power dynamics at play, then that is what, oh, it's just another person, you know, utilizing power to get their unmet sexual needs met. Exactly. And I feel like sometimes these, like, I mean, I'm just guessing how some of those things happen, but maybe they didn't start off that way.
You know, maybe they didn't start off with like, I'm going to use my power to bang as many chics as possible. Like, I don't know if Osho started like that, or I don't even know if Osho did. It was part of the thing, but I feel like if you don't have like a clear idea of what you want out of the situation first and like firmly holding that, like I can get messy and you can get swayed.
And I just what I want out of this situation is respect. Like, I want to make sure that I have respect. And it's, it's difficult. I mean, especially in like this Me Too movement, especially in these like, it's never been more that, hey, there's an eye on, we need to act properly, and it's a good thing. Um, and that's great.
But also, [00:09:00] it can kind of get guys a little gun shy about it, where I'm like, I don't know if I can pat you on the back like that. And I was like, you know, I'm like trying to be very, um, extra, uh, I shouldn't be alone out to dinner with a female coworker. Like it's, we're even more cognizant of this. Um, I'm not like that.
Like, I'm, I'm not, we're in Ubud, but we're in a pretty like liberal place. So it's like, we can hug, it's okay. It's not sexual. Um, but it's a funny thing being a man and in power and, uh, It's, it's, it's, there's a line there that we've got to walk. And if somebody wanted to work with us, like, uh, about a month ago and I didn't hire him because of one interaction, um, there was a backstory a little bit, but, but he went and talked to a couple of the females and just how he kind of lingered around it was, he didn't even say anything that was extra.
It was just the, the energy though. That's, I'd love to talk about this. It's like, sure. Your energy, your, your mouth could be saying one thing. But energetically, your actions, your body language, everything is like you got these leaky undercurrents like this, [00:10:00] the tentacles are coming underneath and so it's like leaky sexual energy, you can feel that shit, you know?
Yeah, and this is really where I feel like a lot of, mishap happens in the business world is the feminine and all of us really feels that. And this is usually the things that are being unsaid, there's leaky sexual energy that even though they might be saying the words of their mouth, but underneath there's just like a bit of a, something doesn't feel right.
And what this always comes back to for me is like the integration inside. Does that being like in this case, this potential new worker have a capacity to know himself as whole? Or are we always looking for that person to get our sexual needs met. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what it was. When I saw the guy, I'm like, Oh, he just has some unintegrated, like masculine energy.
They're like his pain. There's a pain body there and he's reaching for something in the feminine and he was reaching in this kind of lingering, like, uh, so it's a type of little extra energy instead of just being firm. [00:11:00] And I stated that because I was talking to the girls after they didn't feel comfortable.
OK, like, no, we can't hire somebody that doesn't make you feel comfortable. That's a firm boundary. Can't happen. And I thought about it and I was like, yeah, because you got to come at it with love instead of lust. And so it's kind of like walking in and being like a wifi router of love instead of like this undercurrent of like lust like I'm, I'm trying to fuck.
It's like, no, no, no, no. Actually I'm showing up and. I'm just love to everyone. So that's just like how I try to, and I think like meta meditation, you know, in the Vipassana Buddhist practices is like, yeah, that's, that's the vibe. And that's where the wifi router analogy came in for me a long time ago.
Cause you would just think about people you love and then bring in that love into the room. And when you practice that um, you're just shooting out love instead of wanting to take sexual energy. And it was kind of like a different, you know, like it's a different energy completely and you're focusing on sending out love instead of taking and it's that taking energy that's repulsive.
Um, it's that taking energy that people can feel, you know, so [00:12:00] taking it, but if you're just showing up and you're like, I'm just kind and happy to be here, like it's, it's a different, it's a different energy completely. So what I hear in that is that that neediness that's underneath the belly, that neediness to try to get something that someone doesn't have inside of them.
And, you know, I think in any situation, a woman can feel that if that needy little boy inside, it's like, love me, love me, please. I used to be that guy. Like, not that long ago. Guys, don't think I'm like this totally. healed dude I just authentically talk about it because I've been there without a doubt when I first came to Ubud, but I was that spiritual puppy dog and I did, I did want the beautiful spiritual tantric girlfriend.
Like I wanted all that, but I like I needed it. You know, it was like, okay, wait a minute. Um, now that I feel a lot more whole and confident in who I am and what I want and then also how I want to be perceived, like what, what I want to bring to the table. Um, um, and I want to bring to the table that, you know, somebody that can be respected and trusted and, and, and cared for and loved, [00:13:00] but also I don't need, you know, this, like, I don't need that.
Um, maybe it comes with age and time and time on the clock because I was, you know, it's like younger and dumber. But, um, I think there's also practices that, you know, you definitely have for this and that, you know, we could give insight to that helps you just be a bit more sure of how you want to walk into the room and that way you're not leaking these sexual energy and, you know. I'm curious for you.
What was the shifting point? What was the point of like from being that needy, spiritual puppy dog, like looking after the feeling? Cause I feel you now and you know, even from a couple of years back when we were doing some work together, like I could feel there's a lot you've been, you've been moving through.
Like what was the shift? A change from that way to how you feel yourself now. I think like if you go through all of these experiences from start to end, you kind of like they like at the Buddha would say, if you go through any experience from start to end, it becomes empty. And in the sense that you've, you've run it the full circle of it.
And so I feel like I did the spiritual puppy dog guy [00:14:00] fully around the full circle that I saw what that leads to. I saw what women it attracts. I saw how that, how that works out with those type of women. And I'm like, good. I'm great. I did that. I played that movie, you know, and I get it and it's not what I want now.
And maybe what I want now is a different experience. Um, but also, um, yeah, time on the clock. I think you, you have to experience it. So I think, you know, if guys are in that leaky sexual energy zone, there is hope for you. Like you, like I was there, I get it. I was there. I understand. I, you know, and, um, there is hope for these guys.
So like women don't just condemn a guy for if he's at that stage, he needs to be in that stage and needs to have that negative feedback for him to get better and to, and to evolve out of it. So there's, there is, there is hope for fuck boys.
There's hope for us. And you know, I, I love this conversation. The other thing that, that I want to speak into, cause you mentioned it briefly before, it's like for a man to be in his power, in his strength, into a certainty in one [00:15:00] side, there's a whole, you know, uh, humanity of women that want a man in that way. But at the same time, there's the edginess of being there.
It also really want you to, to feel the softness and the tenderness. So where, like, where do these two lines, cause when I see you, if I didn't know you, if I see you, I just see this like. Tattoos, you know, badass sex, you know, you'd have your hand on your wallet. But then obviously knowing you, I just feel your soft mushy heart.
That's like so caring and loving. And, you know, how do you navigate in these places as well as how do you see that with, with men around you who, you know, sometimes we get two different, um, voices that are coming towards us in this way. Totally. I think it's really important that we nurture and, uh, and like nurture our inner lover and poet and the sweet parts of ourselves, because that's what everybody seems to love about me the most, that I, that I am a sweet, um, the little boy in me has been nurtured, you know, like it's, I brought him back out to be [00:16:00] like, I'm a big mush, but I'm also a black belt kickboxer and people can feel safe around me in the sense that I've, I've also made real good friends in my inner warrior.
And I think men need to do that. That we need to be friends with our warrior and handle our danger, like harness our danger and nurture our danger in the sense that like we're physical, we're, we're, we're vital, you know, we're, we're learn how to fight, like learn how to tie knots on ships and shit. That's a him thing.
Do some manly shit. Like you should be good at manly shit. It's, it's important, but also, you know, be okay saying you love other men being okay, hugging other men, being okay, loving women. And expressing that love, like be okay with this, um, cause we need both. Think about like samurais, you know, they would be calligraphers and they'll chop your head off.
They're like renaissance men, you know, they're like sculptors, but also I guess crusades. I don't know that much about renaissance. The time's off. I don't know. I'm not a history guy, but you know what I'm saying. [00:17:00] It's a balance of being able to be both tender and soft and being receptive as well as knowing how to penetrate and be firm and be the strong one.
Yeah. Be multifaceted. That's sexy. I think women love that when they see that, you know, a guy can be sensitive, caring, intelligent, you know, um, considerate, but also he's a bad ass. Like, I think that's the holistic, well rounded whole human, much like, you know, we love a woman deep in her feminine. Like I love, I'm much more, I'm into women who are in their feminine.
I can be in my masculine, but I also want her to have some masculine qualities in the sense of, you know, not not like a mustache. I'm talking about like, you know, like, you know, like women with mustaches. I was like organizer ambitious or, you know, like some of the more masculine traits as they'd say, you know, um, it's, it's important to have that balance.
And I wonder where this calls into play with having, um, leaky sexual energy as men. Do you think it's because [00:18:00] there's that need? You mentioned that and I really found that interesting. Like you mentioned there, they're searching for something. So if you have, and women have leaky, leaky sexual energy too.
Like you see it all the time and in the spiritual community or just general spiritual community as well, there is that. Like like leaky goddess using her sexual, um, sexuality as a way to get attention. Like that's a thing too. And do you think that's the inverse of like the guy that's like, Hey, what's up baby?
And the girl that's just kind of like, Oh, like, you know, really wanting to be, um, seen but needing to be seen. Like, are those the two? I think they definitely compliment each other. Often that part I see in female bodies looking for attention is, is typically, not always, often a daddy wound, you know, from either being, not being loved and feeling abandoned and seeking validation through the masculine on the outside, um, and it always returns back to, from my side, like, is that human knowing both sides inside of themselves?
And, and in the sexuality, [00:19:00] especially when a woman is often looking for validation and looking for sex and all these different pieces, underneath that is usually a deep insecurity. It's a deep light. Can we be alone with ourselves without needing something on the outside? Um, and, and this, also I want to draw into around love.
Because love is, you know, when we tie it with sexuality and leadership, it's like love is the, to me, this place where so much can birth from. But if love isn't an inside game, if love isn't there, then there can be perpetual relationship patterns that are repeating themselves. And I'd love to hear from your own personal journey.
You want to go there? I think a lot of people could resonate with it. So I'd definitely go there of having the same type of relationship patterns. And I'm really fucking good at three month relationships. I'm so good at those. I nail them and I'm really good at breaking up and being on good terms after and we're sweet and we're friends in the community.
It's all good and it's like it [00:20:00] starts off and it's a super deep, beautiful, intense love bombing three months where I'm taking them on vacations and we're doing all sorts of cool shit and like it's beautiful sex and exotic, you know, places. I'm good at that. I nail it. I'm really good at that. Part of what you taught me in, you know, in the male one on one mentorship, I'm really good.
Um, but the thing that it's, I'm good at that, um, but then when it would get past the honeymoon stage and it would get past and the person, you see them more as a human and you'd see them more as, you know, the, the, they'd come down from the pedestal in your mind and, you know, you get past that. That just that next stage of like, you have a few arguments and I would get into my, of my avoidant patterns and I'm too busy for this shit because I'm super busy, you know, and, and if it's not super loving, bubbly, um, love bombing honeymoon, you know, intensity, I'm like, eh, you know, so I was like, okay, wait, what's going on here?
And so this is what I've been working on [00:21:00] recently for a while is that pattern of consistent meeting extreme, extreme sexual sensation or love sensation like it has to be over the top infatuation or you know that cannot be more in like a wholesome loving long term switch and this is another reason why I changed actually what I what I want and what I'm looking for.
Hmm enough times you do the same thing. You're like, okay, man, let's try something different, you know, let's just kind of over it, you know, let's try something else. Uh, I did, I did that. I did that experience, you know, but now it's empty. And that's another reason why I think the, like, Oupwa dancing goddess type, um, doesn't quite do it for me anymore.
They're incredible, they're beautiful, but I see them as, like, gorgeous, but you know, not not my jam and that's been helpful in these situations because it's not exactly what i'm looking for anymore. And I think my taste changed we're having these intense extreme experiences that are like so intense and over the top um I'm not as excited about them anymore because I've seen [00:22:00] the layer of substance underneath it has shifted a little bit.
So even my love languages are more like acts of service now than it would be, you know, some of the other ones, like words of affirmation. Because you can say lots, and we can have these big experiences, but really, are you showing up when we need you? Like, are you, are you there? Are you down to ride? Will you be wifey?
And so I think that's shifted a bit for me. Um, but sorry, I don't know what I wanted to answer there. No, no, no. I love it. And, and I'm curious, you know, you mentioned wifey. Like what in, in your perspective, these three month relationships, which I think a lot of men can find themselves in at times when they're chasing the peak high.
Yeah, really ease in Bali, transient community, beautiful people in the spiritual community coming in and out. It's like the perfect place to have these like little serving size, you know, relationships, intense Bali love affairs. For sure. And, and where do you feel like for you, whether you've found that answer or not, like where do you feel like is for you to make the transition moving ahead into something deeper, more, more [00:23:00] powerful?
Where, where is the shift to be? I think it's, it's within myself to note, to choose like, like, kind of like higher, slower fire, faster. I know it's a weird analogy for this, but I think I was just getting really caught up on the idea of a woman beforehand and they'd like, she'd look really good as my trophy wife, you know, on a primal, you know, like this primal, yeah, yeah.
The pedestal, whereas maybe trophy wife isn't the right term is more like we'd look good together and on Instagram. Even worse digging myself a further hole here, fuck off all of you think it. So it's like, you know, like, will it look good? Um, and now I'm more so, will we be good together in 10, 20, 30 years?
Like, will I be able to be okay with this person and, and we, we can become best friends and we have that deep relationship. Um, we're opening up a chai bar, uh, at Karma House, right? And we partnered with a Indian restaurant called Currys and More. And Deepak and Anisha are the owners, they're a couple. And they're so cute how they move.
And maybe I'm a little traditional, I'm [00:24:00] Indian, but seeing how they, how they like, are devoted to each other and how that moves is really sweet. And I'm seeing that, actually I'm like really enjoying that. Like, I'm like, wow, just, just how they, they're really good at being married to each other. Like they work together.
They're with each other all day, but they're just smooth. And um, there's a lot of devotion and care there. And I was like, that's kind of nice. So I'm seeing, like I'm enjoying that a little bit more than seeing these, you know, Instagram couples that are like, you know, all out there on, you know, and I did that and I'm like, how much of this for show stuff is depleting the quality and that's kind of where I'm at now is like, okay, maybe it doesn't need to be this big flashy thing on Instagram.
Maybe it needs to be functional and the depth is in the function and the depth is in the consistent caring and the consistency. Even my parents, I like, I'm like, I would never want the relationship. Where's the romance? You know, they're pretty much in an arranged marriage. And they're like housemates. But they're still together.
I don't know if they should be or [00:25:00] not, but you know, it's like, where's the functionality? And that's like, maybe not as exciting as this humongous, big, you know, uh, situation there, like it's a big sensory overload. Does that have longevity? What do you think about that? Well, yeah, I feel like the longevity definitely needs to start from the, the deep friendship.
You know, I'm, I'm experiencing that right now with my current beloved and, you know, there's really a, a solid, beautiful friendship that's there. There's great intimacy. We're currently living together, which has kind of been the next stage in our, our deepening. Um, but I'm asking similar questions, like, you know, is this something that's going to continue to expand and grow?
I mean, we're also doing some teaching together, which adds another different dynamic inside of that, which I really enjoy. And the functionality of can we live and cohabitate together with just ease and grace? Like [00:26:00] do our nervous systems complement each other in a way that we're both continuing to flourish or is the relationship taking things away?
And, and this is really what I tune into, because it's like I know in my lifestyle with movement and travel, like that's definitely not for everyone. And a lot of female bodies that doesn't work so well with her, she's also similar. So we're working and moving in this similar field. Like, that concept and that conversation around longevity to me starts with can we just exist together beyond any romance, beyond anything else, as purely like two people who enjoy each other.
Like, do we enjoy each other's company? When it's erotic, yes, it's great. And the other piece that comes in is what happens when our shit comes up. Like, the first time we had a small little argument, I was really like, I was in my own stuff. Like, totally, part of it was totally my responsibility. But I loved
how she took responsibility. It showed me this place of, ah, I can deepen with this woman [00:27:00] because it wasn't all just blame and shame and projection on me. And I've been with so many women in the past without it being the story. Like they understood these concepts as a moment. Like the things came up, it was just blowing all over them.
The, the, the, the rain was pouring all over me and it was just like a big chick storm in that way. I'm so happy you brought this up. I wanted to talk about this with you today. Yeah. And, and this was like, ah, I felt her. I felt her take responsibility. And then what I love more than anything is we came back into deeper love.
We came back into deeper connection with each other in a way in which we could appreciate the differences. So actually the challenge that emerged brought us closer into love together. And I really celebrated this. This is great. You know, uh, this has been coming up a lot. Uh, in my world with friends of mine, uh, I have a couple that are like my friends.
I'm friends with both of them. They actually met through me and they started dating and they both on paper look incredible together. Like they're gorgeous. Both of them. They'll have amazing good looking kids. I think they're both talented. You know, amazing. [00:28:00] These huge fights and I've helped them get back together twice.
And it's been like three weeks that I, cause they moved super, super fast. And it's because it's like this Bali lusty relationship, you know, and they both are good looking coach type people that like have big brands and they look great together. It was fucking Instagram, you know, they look great on, on, on camera and on paper.
And I told them that I'm like, well, you guys had a few small fights, but they were huge, like, like they, and they seemed over small things. And the analogy that I said was, you guys are driving like a hundred miles an hour in a school zone and there's a speed bump. So you're driving super fast and you have a coffee in your hands.
If you drive and you're moving that fast in your relationship and you go for the speed bump that quick. You're going to spill coffee all over yourself.
I was pretty pleased with it myself. I'll sit there on my scooter, typing it out. I'm like, ah, that's good. Where's that coming from? I don't know. Like if you went slower and you, you like. Just like tantra and you took your time with it, that speed bump would come up and you'd [00:29:00] be like, I got this and you'd be okay to get through the spill a little bit, maybe, but you're not going to have it all over your face.
Um, and that's how I feel like it is with these big, lusty relationships. It's like, can we slow down a little bit when we have these fights? Uh, can we slow down a little bit? Also, maybe with how fast that like social media can push things, teaching together and having a brand together, like that can really magnify the speed and the intensity of it.
So when these fights come up, they're also huge. I don't know. It was just a theory that I was seeing in that, like possibly, um, and then the other situation where was it that, that, you know, these, these relationships. This is a tricky one. How far is the feminine allowed to express herself before it's abusive?
When we're saying, like, I need to express my anger. And I need to be able to have a space to express my anger. Also, please don't swear at me. Can we have some rules here? Like, I don't want to be yelled at. I won't yell at you. Can you not yell at me? So there's like this interesting thing where it was happening with a friend of mine in this past [00:30:00] relationship that I was out of a few months ago.
And I had a partner and um, she had definitely not taken a nonviolent communication class.
Let's just call it like that. And she grew up from my, like, she came from Vancouver, you know, kind of similar friends circles as my past ones. And it was just like, not, not a, a chill way to fight and I think that's super important is like cool. We can have great sex How about how good are we at fighting too?
So I don't want to be screamed at I don't I will never swear at you. I'll never scream at you Um, I might have strong words in the sense of like holding accountable or or arguing but I don't yell And is that okay to express the same thing or are then are you hindering the feminine's expression? Yeah. What do you think about that?
Well the, the piece that comes up for me with, with both of that, like the feminine definitely wants to express. I, my biggest learning was always pushing aside the crazy bitch inside of me, onto the woman on the outside. [00:31:00] When I got to know that one inside, I was like, Oh, this makes a lot more sense.
But now in knowing that crazy bitch in me, like when issues come up, I generally, I, and I say this quite like not confrontationally, but quite clear. I say in this situation, I'm going to basically give two options. One option, you can yell and scream and do whatever you want to. I'm just going to shift into full like Shiva mode that just, you can say what you need to say, but I'm not going to take it personally because I've created the context for it.
That's one way of doing it. But what I'm not doing is us trying to have a logical, comprehensible conversation when there's a bunch of emotions underneath. Yeah. That never works. This is good. Never works. That's kind of one side. The other side is I say, I'm going to go take what's been moving for me. I'm going to go to my bed.
I'm going to move some emotion. I'm going to probably hit some pillows. I'm going to move my emotional body, come back into loving resonance inside myself. So I can do that with you. And I want, if you want to do that, you can do the same. [00:32:00] Yeah. Those are the two options. I'm not open to being your punching bag.
I'm open if you want to, but it's going to be a very clear context for probably five or 10 minutes. You're just gonna, we'll put on the timer and you can say whatever you need to say. I'm not going to take it personally. And I know it's just what's arising. And I'm going to tell you, I'm not, I'm going to give you that space.
And what I found is that allows sometimes that part of the feminine that doesn't just wants to fully release and let go and it's like okay great I can't do that all the time. Yep, but every once in a while. I'm okay to do that I do that in workshops sometimes I do that, you know in my work I'm happy to go into that place, but I want there to be a clear contextual framework because that's what makes things better moving forward a hundred percent because on one end It's like well, we should be a mountain like we should be able to hold, hold space for the feminine's, um, big, uh, experience and, and, and emotional.
But also like the, another reason why my recent relationship didn't work was I had an intensely stressful workload and, and we were doing long distance. [00:33:00] And so she went back to Vancouver and I was here and I had, I was selling one of the businesses and um, the business sale flopped one month before the lease was due for four years rent.
Decided to pay four years rent upfront. So instead of making a quarter million dollars or something, it was like, cool, here's, here's pay 50 G's. You're like, fuck, that's the opposite of cool. That's like, that's the opposite of what I was hoping for. So it was like, that's not fun. And then also, uh, the other business Karma house, um, I had a management team running it and they pulled out.
So it's like, here, manage this business plus the other one. Plus like, so I had like a extremely heavy workload, um, piled on my plate. And I was like, Oh, this is, this is a lot of work for me. So, um, I have a very low mental bandwidth right now and I can't, I don't have time to fight. Like I don't have the space for it.
Um, and I asked her, can, can we please not argue right now? Like I'm, I'm, I literally don't have the bandwidth and I'm under intense stress. Can we have things be easy going? And she took that as like emotional abandonment and I never blocked her. I never ghosted her. I just said like, you [00:34:00] know, there'd be times where I need to focus and work for four hours.
Like I need space. And she would take that as like pushing her away. She had her own embattlement issues. She had her own wounds. And so that triggered her wounds. And so then it was like, well, how much of that's my responsibility? Like I have to, I have to work. Right. And so maybe I could have word it in different ways, but I felt like I used a lot of my tools.
And, um, I tried really hard, but here's the thing. When my bandwidth was really low and I'm very stressed out, those, those, those tools are coming out kind of jumbled. Like I wasn't, I wasn't at my highest to handle it in a way of like, let's create context, let's create a container. If your bandwidth is low,
what you, how your processing power is, is all fucked up. So I didn't have the abilities to do it. Like we, we, we could have been like a controlled contextual situation. So she would be, you know, getting quite emotional and angry. And then I'd get into my, then it triggered my bandwidth was as low. I go straight to the avoidant.
I don't have space for this. Like, I just don't have time for this. You're on a [00:35:00] timeout. We know how that, how that works. Timeouts don't work. She feels even more abandoned and starts crawling back for more. Yeah. And just being angry and angry. And then I'm pushing me further and further away. And then I was like, look, we should just take a break.
I'm going to be out here for much longer than I expected. Like, you know, maybe, maybe it's like not a good idea for us to do long distance in this context because the time zones and everything and to work like it's not going to work. And that was like a no for her long distance. It's either us going on a break means we're broken up.
And I was like, sweet. I was like, I just can't right now. Like I just, I didn't have the space and it was unfortunate, but I was wondering, man, if, if, if only her and I had a better way of fighting in that sense, you know, and we did, we did counseling sessions. I had a couple of coaches that helped. And at the end of it is just different communication styles.
So we chalk it up to, and she needed someone there in person to be there. And I could not do long distance and I physically couldn't [00:36:00] be there. So it's just not gonna work. Right. So that was, that was sad. And, um, but it really also showed me like, say in the future of like, what's next, you know, of the, of what I would like to call in.
And it was somebody who, you know, is a bit softer in that sense like naturally doesn't yell naturally is a bit sweeter. Am I am I looking for something? That's like, um, It's kind of like well, I'm looking for a guy that makes six figures. Like, you know, he's like sure great. Is that possible? Yeah Yeah, I mean I I feel like It is, and it really comes down to personality types.
It comes down to, how does this human know how to be with their instability inside of themselves? Is there a comfort zone of being able to navigate their inner world? You know, I look at my, my last relationship with Raven, who you know well, Um, and she was a fiery Italian woman, you know. Yeah, yeah. And at times were just like that fire was a full on in our arguments. But what I loved with her is that even in that fire, [00:37:00] there was always a span of awareness inside of her that recognized the ridiculousness of the words coming out of her mouth at times. And it would be pretty quickly after argument. She was like, Sorry. I apologize. And that softened me, and that was beautiful.
Whereas like, you know, maybe around ten years ago I was in a relationship with an Instagram potentiality relationship, you know? So beautiful, we looked so good on paper, you know, influences and all that. And there, like, in our argument, she would come at me swinging. She'd come at me, you know, throwing punches, and it was like, I had my own role in that.
Literally. What the fuck? Literally, I remember going into a couple session with her one time with a black eye. Oh, wow. I mean, I, I had my own pieces in that, but there was just so much fire inside of her that never had a healthy, proper container to express itself as. And I was completely disowning my own inner crazy one and projecting that onto [00:38:00] her.
So that was even more amplified in her. You know, we, we went through a lot of ebbs and flows. You know, this isn't going to work in whatever separate ways, but I learned a lot about the fiery nature when there's not a proper containment for the feminine to express herself. And unfortunately, a lot of women have never learned proper emotional release tools and how to take responsibility.
So there's almost And men. Man as well. Yeah. An expectation of well, it's their fault. Yeah. It's their fault that I'm upset. And there's not even an awareness of, oh, maybe this has something to do with me. . It's so funny that you said this, 'cause this is something I'd I'd like to circle back towards in, in business as well, where the number one business tool to be a successful entrepreneur is emotional regulation.
Mm. And I think that's it. In life, like relationships in your, in business, in person, in, in your inner game, in your internal happiness, like literally everything comes down to, can you emotionally regulate yourself? Can you weather the storm? Literally there's a storm right now. You probably heard all these [00:39:00] thunders, showers and rain through, we can hear it in the, in the, in the microphones and the headphones.
And it's like, can you regulate yourself? And another similar situation, we hired a contractor, she was going to be a longterm um, consultant. Um, perhaps a Karma as possible operations manager. And I really quickly realized this person is non emotionally regulated, like, Whoa. And how she treated other people that weren't the boss, um, in a subservient way, how she treated them was like, that's not okay.
You cannot treat people that are below you in the hierarchy, even though she's brand new. She had no hierarchy, but she just figured that she could talk down to people. And that's a huge red card for me. That's a big ego thing. Right. Um, but also. I, I was quite triggered a few times because she came trying to coach me, just like my management styles and just like, you know, how I was, uh, I was coming, uh, and it was, it was difficult cause I really wanted to get angry, you know, and this is where I really think it's important to, uh, to be able to bite your tongue sometimes, uh, and in [00:40:00] relationships, maybe you do need to express yourself, but not all the time.
You know, some of the times you just need to like pick your battles and especially when you're a boss, especially when you're like, say, working with contractors and a lot of people listening are probably solo entrepreneurs, you know, and they, you know, they run their own practice or whatever it is. And you have like a graphic designer and they totally fuck up, but it's like.
Don't ever call them names. Don't yell at them. Give constructive, non emotional feedback. Feedback should be non emotional. Feedback should be feedback. It's criticism. It's direction. Is that the same in relationships? Where it's like, okay, well, when you have feedback to give, can you pull your emotions out of it?
Obviously, with the heart, it's a lot harder. But, um, that's where I really was seeing that correlation. My top emotional regulation tools were like, firstly, are you taking yourself too seriously? Love that, right? Like bring that right into myself. So I had to, she, she, she was coaching me and I was like, uh, how fucking dare you?
Originally my original thought was like, she's the most arrogant person I think I've [00:41:00] ever worked with. Like arrogant and egoic. I'm like, I just can't wait to have her out of my life. It was like bad, like just bad. And then I was like, we'll wait. Before you type out a response back to this, are you taking yourself too seriously?
Are you also, is there a shred of truth in what you're saying? Maybe I'm getting too much feedback from too many people in the business and I'm trying to people please everybody. Okay. Where in that can I, can I take some of that? And when I started first took the, am I taking myself so seriously, uh, out of it, it took a pressure down a little bit.
It turned the temperature gauge down a little bit. So I'm like, okay, before I formulate a response, that's like, listen, It's like, okay, can I, can I tone that down a little bit? Right? Um, that was, that was important. Yeah. Uh, do you have any other emotional regulation tools or anything like that? Um, the, uh, yeah, for me, emotional regulation comes in, is someone aware of their own upsets?
Are they aware that there is something, uh, vibrating [00:42:00] and creating levels of upset inside of them? And can they recognize that it's not the outside that, um, is creating that, but it's actually their own inner reality that's implementing that inside of them. And this, I love that you're bringing this in because this is such a important leadership piece, especially people running their own companies and businesses and organizations.
Like, is there a capacity to, in the leader, be transparent enough to bring their vulnerability, but to not go so far in their vulnerability that they lose respect from their employees. And this is a fine line, especially in this new Aquarian age we're moving into, where there's much more transparency and vulnerability.
And, and, you know, so the tool to me, and I want to hear your perspective on this as well, it's like, I, and I find this a lot when I'm leading retreats and I have groups is that sometimes I'll take a role in a group, like I have a men's retreat starting in a couple of days and it's very like, not [00:43:00] authoritative, but a bit more standoffish and, and, and leading from a bit more kind of directing, keeping my heart in it.
And then other times I'm like, well, what does it kind of look like if I go like full vulnerability here? So I've been exploring this in a lot of different groups and dynamics. And I find that in the full vulnerability, like, yes, people can feel you more, but then sometimes there's this fine tuned space of like, not losing respect, but they still almost want a certain directionality from you.
And, and this is where I, because vulnerability becomes like the new hot topic and how vulnerable you're being. And I love that. Vulnerability is so important. And like my military, maritime, alpha driven background, also recognizes that there needs to be a king at the table. There needs to be someone leading and directing the ship, a captain that's there.
But that captain has to have an open heart, has to be able to understand and to feel. So that's the tool I would say is can we be aware of someone else's emotional body, aware of our own, but then still be able to take that [00:44:00] driving edge. Yeah. This is a great point. I really, I really love that. If I went to go say, okay, let's pick Osho because we brought him up earlier.
If I went to an Osho retreat and he started talking about his taxes, I don't give a fuck about your taxes. Teach me some shit. Like, I like, like, you know, like I'm here for this. The context of our relationship is you're a leader teaching me something. I don't. Yes. Do you should have a vulnerable space?
That's not this container. And I think the same in a, in a employer relationship, they're looking for direction, you know? So if like your employer is giving you all these things about like, Oh, my wife's cheating on me or like, Oh, I'm just insecure. Like, Cool. But it's not exactly, it's not exactly the container for this.
And this is my personal opinion on it because, but I don't think we should suppress everything, but the container is super important, you know, the context of the relationship. And that's why it's important. Like men have other men to talk to in a sense, like we have men circles, we have these groups, you have the conduit for that.
So you're not releasing it because even, and I think personally [00:45:00] there's, there might be other opinions of this, but like even a man and woman, like in a like a relationship, like a partnership. Maybe you shouldn't share everything with your partner and you should have your men to actually like, absolutely.
And same with women. Like if, if my partner, like my future wife say, and she has stuff that she wants to voice event about me, that's like, Oh, it's like, maybe I don't want to hear all that, but maybe she should be able to talk about it with her girlfriends because maybe what she's saying is in a moment of, of her own emotional reactivity and um, that's not actually how she feels about me.
But if she says that to me, then I'm going to think she thinks I'm some sort of like dah, dah, dah, dah, dah. Yeah. And I'll act on it and it's like, well, maybe we should have our own channels. Right. And I think in the workplace, there's some places where I had been venting it only in the sense that the whole team was feeling it with, like I said, that new employee that was trying to come in and all of us were stressed out.
I'm like, guys, yeah, she was stressing me out. Like I, that's not okay. She's messing up team dynamics. And every time she messages me, she messages me like, 12 messages at once, 32 messages right [00:46:00] now, literally I saw before I came in here, 32 messages at once. And I was like, that's not okay. Like that's violent.
That's way too many. And so I would vent to the team about that. Like this is not okay for team dynamics. I'm going to, I'm going to let her go. Like after she finishes this contract, that's not okay. But the, um, and then in a relationship as well, like we should be very vulnerable with our partners to an extent to a degree, but maybe not everything needs to be.
Example, my, my two friends, the hot ones that were just, you know, getting together. Uh, he has a crazy ex girlfriend, ex wife. And, um, she, she was with someone else and they had still had, were talking. And he reached out to her to say, Hey, I'm started seeing someone new. And like, uh, I just wanted to let you know, uh, the frequency in which we talk, um, wouldn't, will need to be much, much less.
Cause they still would like confide in each other. Okay. Yeah. And you know, he needs to respect the new relationship. He thinks he found someone special and, and she was like, okay, that's, that's great. Like [00:47:00] I'm not sure why you needed to tell me that, but, and, and, and there was a bit of beef between them, you know, something animosity, whatever.
And he meant to say, well, I think I finally found a puzzle piece of my missing puzzle piece. And I was like, you didn't need to say that to your ex, like that doesn't, doesn't need to be said. Like you don't need to say that if you don't need to say something, don't fucking say it. So that triggered her.
And she said, okay, well, let's see how um, how strong that relationship is, I'll be testing it. I was like, Oh, Oh no, look at the fire you just started. Yeah. Okay. Could have just left it there. Yeah. This guy put his foot in his mouth. He goes and talks to his, to the new girl. And he goes, I, um, you know, I talked to my ex about it.
Um, it didn't go as I wanted it to, she, I did, I did block her, but she also said she wanted to test the relationship. So then he tells, he shared, he's venting his emotional space. He stressed out that his ex was doing this, but then he was stressed and he vented this key information that would of course get into the new girl's head.
Of course. Does not, that information does not need to be passed. No, no, no, no. Keep, keep that side. Tell it to me. I'm your boy. [00:48:00] Yeah. We'll go train together and talk about it. Yeah. Don't pass that information along because you're venting trying to be vulnerable when it's going to cause violence to her head.
Yeah, it's what I hear in that is this line between like sometimes people utilize vulnerability to try to create closeness because they're actually not willing to confront it inside themselves. Interesting. And they're like, there's a vulnerability there and it's almost easier to offload it all, but I'm being vulnerable and sharing, but they're not actually dealing with the, the deep, like, place and within that's being rattled.
Yeah, I think we got to like process some stuff before we share, you know, and then talk to your friends that you're okay being an idiot around like your friends that you can be an absolute idiot around. Definitely talk to them. Like you and me could say some shit to each other. We've had years on the clock.
I could say anything to you. I believe. And you'd be like, yeah, fair enough. You're kind of being dumb there. Thanks. Like, appreciate it. Still love me. Awesome. You know, like, it's like, that's important. Those relationships are super important. But when you're talking about [00:49:00] a relationship, like an employee, it's like, can't do it.
Don't say it. Don't do it. And then you're talking to like your significant other or especially if it's not like, um, you know, a relationship, any relationship, but I think in your one especially, you got to be careful, I think, in those situations. I had a moment the other day with my new beloved, and we were talking, and she really was trying to talk to me, trying to get all this stuff out of me, and sometimes I'm just quite silent.
Like, I'm happy to talk, and I, you know, I talk for hours and days, and I'm teaching. And eventually she turned to me, she was like, I really get it. Men, men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Like, I realize I should just talk to you, like, my girlfriends about this. I'm like, yeah, I don't need to be your, like, scapegoat for everything.
Like, it's actually great you have girlfriends, because they're going to give you a different perspective. And the, the point inside of that for me is that so many people make their relationship their sun, and their moon, and their Mars, and their Mercury, and their Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, you know, everything.
And then they're like, why, no wonder why there's issues. There's nowhere else that there is. So we [00:50:00] get too inundated with our partner's stuff. To steal man the argument, like benefit of the doubt, what do you think about then, if some girls go to their group of girlfriends who are obviously on her side, you know, and so maybe she's the one that's at fault and, and then she's like, this is what's happening, but obviously frames it in her point of view to her girlfriends who are on her side who then give feedback to her like, he's an asshole, like, well, I would say that she's, they're probably not a very good girlfriend if they only had taken one side.
True. And, and this is where this like gossiping, you know, uh, collusion of the feminine, you know, it happens. And then a good girlfriend for that woman is actually going to be the one that's going to point the mirror back at what's coming up inside of you. Exactly like, like with us. Like if I have a friend that will tell me I'm being an idiot, it's like, those are good friends to have.
Absolutely. Have those friends that will tell you, like Dave from the Astana meditation, Dave, he'll look quick to tell me I'm an idiot. Very quickly, for fuck's sakes. [00:51:00] It's a good friend. He's a great friend. He's such a great friend, it hurts. Yeah, for sure. I don't think I've grown, uh, anywhere else as much as possible, um, ever with a couple of teachers that I've had and close friends that have repeatedly told me I'm being an idiot like in the sense that they really were okay telling me that. And I think it's an extremely deep and beautiful connection to have where you're able to hold a friend accountable but hold them accountable and you're holding them accountable.
It's like yeah, you're being stupid, but I got you I got your back. I still love you. You know? Yeah. That's important. Is that the same in say a relationship? Like when you're, I mean, this is the hard part. Actually. I think a lot of people listening who might be some sort of coach, some sort of teaching position.
Don't, don't coach your fucking partner. I know it doesn't work. Absolutely. I've learned the hard way. You cannot coach your partner and it's really difficult or be a boss. If you're a boss and then you have a, you know, a couple of businesses or something or a business and then you come home as the boss and you're ordering people around to do things.
It's like that doesn't [00:52:00] work. And I've been told multiple times by ex girlfriends like, hey, I don't work for you. I'm like, well, you kind of do. I pay for everything. No, I'm just, I'm just kidding. I'm just, I'm just kidding. Uh, it's definitely to turn off that, that context, like how do I speak to a certain person in a certain way?
And sometimes it's difficult when you're in work mode and my ex would know I'm in work mode. So she'd ask me a question. I'd answer in work mode because I'm, it's like 1 PM on a Tuesday. So I'm in work mode. And so she gets work mode responses and I'd have to like try to like break that to be like, yes, honey.
Not like, yes. Yes. Yes. Love. I hear you. I'm very busy. Yeah. Oh, what do you think about that? Just the, um, context and communication and being able to switch gears going from, cause you, you work, you're working with your beloved right now. Yeah. Yeah. So what's that like? You know, in general, I wouldn't recommend it to a lot of people, but I've had a lot of years of experience in that.
So I [00:53:00] really like this dynamic is the most healthy I've ever seen it. It's really like one of the things, a great tool. If you're working with your beloved, have a, a communication like messaging channel, like WhatsApp. That is only work. This is such a game changer. So I know when I get a message from her on her personal thing, that's about our relating.
When it's on the work mode, that's about our projects, our businesses, our potential events, all that. And it puts my mind in a different context. If anyone listening could make a change in that dynamic if they're doing that, that's the best thing I've done. Genius. That's great. We literally just did that for Karma House.
Like we had um, so many chat groups, and now we just have, okay, Slack is going to be for the chat for work. All the other ones can be social between the people there, but like, we really needed to do that. And it was a quick game changer. That was actually, I felt instantly pressure off. So again, context, like the context matters, but what about, if you're a coach, or a boss, and [00:54:00] then you want to give feedback in your relationship and you start doing it like a coach or a boss, like, oof.
Well, yeah, what I find is I'll, I'll check in, I'll say, are you open to feedback for, for, in this? And I generally also say, I don't want to be a coach, and I might see things, and what I have to consciously do is, not communicate to them as if they are my client. Like, come in that loving awareness, but then in the moments when I can see they're struggling a little, I'll say to them, I'm gonna shift gears here for a moment.
I'm gonna communicate to you as if you were a client just for this amount of time. Is that okay with you? Do you want that? If they say yes, then yes. If it's no, no. I want to make that amount of time small in our amount, in our relating. Cause the other thing I fall into is almost having that more of the time of our communication and we're processing.
And I feel like I'm just working with another client actually than my beloved who I can open and be intimate and connected with. In [00:55:00] people in that dynamic, just have a very clear, are you open to feedback? And if I'm going to share feedback, this is for a short amount of time. And ultimately it's going to be something that's going to create a deeper intimacy.
And I also want to take off that hat. And know that we can relate back in our normal way at any given time. And this isn't going to be the norm. That's how I've done it. And this relationship now, I feel like it works. You know, we're fine tuning our way. We just taught a workshop this past weekend together.
Um, flowed very well. Like there was this beautiful collaborative flow that was there. We both supporting one another and we're able to have the business conversations at the end. We had a, you know, a two hour breakfast kind of on a feedback of, Oh, what have we done better? And it was really beautiful at the end, close that.
And then we move forward into our relating. So it just requires a lot of context along the way. I like that. That's pretty good. What do you think? Is it condescending or not to be like, Hey, I noticed you had these issues. I have this [00:56:00] friend, Aaron, who could help or I have this like to, to, because obviously we have so many friends in the field where like, I have this friend, Margo, like you should, you should, you should work with her about this, this, and this.
Well, I, I also like, for example, when I published my book, I had so many women that were like, Oh, I'm going to buy it for my man. I'm going to put it in his face. And I was like, yes. And there has to be a willingness. What I find works is if a partner recognizes or if together you recognize that there needs to be a solution outside the relationship, then you might say I have some suggestions for you, but then let them be willing rather than pushing it down their throat and saying you need to contact them.
And I see women do this all the time. It's like they're trying to make their man better. And the man's like, I'm not actually ready or willing for that right now. I had to it. Similar situation with deodorant happen. Tell me more. So that hire, that like, I got to get out of my life. It was difficult. And, you know, it was a female and she smelled really bad.[00:57:00]
Really strong BO, like strong BO. And, uh, everybody was feeling it. The Balinese staff, literally everybody in the room. And it was, it was not just one. So there might be one time you forgot to put it on this morning and it was hot outside in Bali. Sure. Yeah. Four times in a row. It's like, no, you smell like you're just smelling, it's not okay.
And I'm a male boss. How do I tell a female like, Hey, like, you know, maybe you could try smelling deodorant and try, you know, like, uh, how do, like, how do you say that to a woman? She's older than me too. Like, how I communicate this? It was difficult. So I asked, you know, and then I asked one of the females of the group, like, can you, can you talk to her about it?
Cause like everybody knows, right? Maybe a woman to woman thing. And so she was like, Hey, they have these crystal deodorants at Alchemy. Like, you know, they're, they're pretty good. And she was like, Oh yeah, I've seen them. Yeah. What a cool thing. Oh, have you, you've seen them? Have you tried them? And it was like, how do you, like, if someone's not open and [00:58:00] willing, like how, without offending or jamming it in their face, it's kind of like,
you know, we're only, we're only going to take the advice when we're receptive and receptivity is super, super important because, you know, we teach different things, of course, but, um, there's some intersections where like emotional regulation, emotional intelligence, you know, connecting with your, with your mind and things like that, that can overlap.
So we could possibly teach some of the same things. But somebody would be more receptive to, to you or me possibly, you know, if they came from Vancouver in a rough area, they're going to, they're going to resonate with me for sure. And if they came from like a maritime background or something, they'd, Oh, we get it.
So they're receptive. I think that receptivity really, really matters. So that's why I was trying to get a female to, to connect, you know, to connect. But it was like, some people just, you know, they're on airplane mode when it comes to that. The lights are on, but nobody's home. It's tough on that. Yeah. Yeah.
Well, amazing. You know, I have, uh, one last question I want to bring up and you mentioned earlier in your own parents that had the, you know, arranged [00:59:00] marriage and I'm just curious when it comes to love and your own upbringing and Indian upbringing, like how, how do your, how's your family, you know, navigate and be with your lifestyle, the differentiation of the world that you've come from?
It's super funny. Uh, I'm totally the black sheep of my family, obviously. I mean, my head's tattooed, tattoo shops. I live in Bali, you know, my family are all blue collar, like nurses and school teachers. And my dad worked for, you know, a cable company for 30 years. My mom was a community librarian for 40 years, same job.
For 40 years in a library. I'd go fucking crazy. I've had four jobs today You know like it's I mean businesses I owned but still are jobs, you know, I'm working so obviously I work in a very different context Um, and living in a spiritual community on the other side of the planet is a very different dating pool, you know, than back home.
And, uh, it's, it's just too funny. Cause I guess now, cause I just turned 36 [01:00:00] and you know, now my family's like, have an accident, baby. It's okay. Just whatever. Have a kid. Just have a kid. Just push one out, please. Oh, anybody. Whatever. And my, my grandma, my Naani, like, okay, my family Sikh, Punjabi and Sikhs and Muslims beef like for forever, like, you know, like, cause, um, when the Muslims were invading from Pakistan, uh, they would murder a lot of other races to religions to convert you to Islam.
And it was just how it was back in the day. Right. And so Sikhs were militant against, um, uh, defending all religions. And so that's why we're quite a militant culture, um, is cause we're defenders of all faiths. So we defend the Christians and the, and the Hindus and all that. And we'd be like, no, like we, everyone can do what they want in religion.
Right? Like let's just not, you know, and so, but there's a stigma there in like my grandparents and great grandparents like there's there's there's some racism, you know in that situation So grandma's like you can marry anyone you want except a Muslim. Hmm, and now she's just like have a baby like whatever like praise [01:01:00] Allah ever right.
So it's just funny to see them like kind of shift their barriers a little bit And it was kind of funny because I like recently been, uh, have a couple of dates with a girl who's actually Muslim. So it's super funny. She's not very Muslim. She's, she's grew up in Holland. Right. But like, I was just laughing about it in my head cause like, it's very new, you know, not a couple of dates, but just, I can hear my grandma in the back of my head a little bit about it.
I'm like, I found a Muslim, you know, like what about now? But to come back to it, like, my folks seen me go for like my girlfriends have always been like goody good girls like they're sweet, even though they're dating a drug dealer. Yeah, they were still pretty like pretty proper not tattooed like me yeah in their feminine, you know, um sweet that kind of thing the thing that I could see that would work for me in that sense is 'cause I do feel like I am quite in my masculine pole.
Hmm. And I, and I'm a little traditional, I'd say in that sense where like, I will wanna take care of things and I will wanna protect and provide. And I, and I, I hold that, that essence [01:02:00] down. And I am a little bit more traditional, I say in the feminine where I, I do want certain things done for me. Like I, maybe there's that Indian Prince attitude a little bit where it's like, can you cook?
Fair enough. I hope so. Because that's important to me, like I appreciate those things. But it's interesting living in an international space where you get people coming from everywhere that that's not as common anymore. Like the gender lines I think are a little bit blurred where guys and women are now, you know, sharing the bills.
Okay, sure. Um. And maybe the, the, the cooking and the cleaning and the things like this, like it's, they're a bit more mixed and seeing the different cultures that have, you know, gotten a chance to been so lucky to date out here. Cause there's an international community. So I've had, you know, girlfriends from all over the place.
It's been interesting to kind of play around and see like how, how that works. And I still think I'm a bit more in my masculine and want to attract in a bit more of the feminine where we have a bit of our roles, uh, you know, without sounding misogynistic, it just kind of makes sense to me. That's a little bit of where it was at.[01:03:00]
Um, so I think that's kind of where I'm at now where my family, they just want me to be with someone that's awesome. They don't, they don't, they don't mind. They're not like old school at all. They've seen, I had an overwhelmingly, um, high amount of Asians that I've been dating, but because like, like I grew up in an Asian area in Vancouver.
So like my first, you know, my first long term girlfriend was Vietnamese and then Vietnamese Chinese and then Vietnamese again, and it was like long term relationship. I've been to Vietnam twice and met two families. It's like a lot, right? And now, um, switching it up. I think I tried that a lot. Let's just switch it up a little bit.
Uh, and I think at this point, What I really value is someone that just has a big open heart that's genuinely a good person that wants to do some good things for the world that like has that mission so we can be on a mission together. So no matter what we do, we're doing some good stuff and there's that need to have that, that sweet, you know, good, good, but also maybe it's a little bit badass or is okay with me being badass.
You know, yeah, that's, that's kind of where we're at now. [01:04:00] Beautiful. And last question for you. So you're 36 now. If you were to go back 10 years to your 26 year old self, Oh God. What, what would the three things be around sexuality and love that you would tell your 26 year old self? Oh, wow. That's interesting.
Cause that was at the time where I was trying to get out of the dope game. I still wasn't out of it yet. Um, my weekends and sexual activities would be like, like a weekend music video, like just sex and drugs and, you know, MDMA and lingerie and, you know, good times, good times. But, um, it was definitely a different connection with sexuality where it was very much and very promiscuous.
You know, it was just like, like a rap music video, you know, and it was, I think. What I would state now would be go deep like learn Tantra. It'd be one of my first things would be like cool having these big sexy druggy nights are fun, but also like there's more out there so just to see there's more out there just to see there is Tantra.
There is presence so you can you can get into [01:05:00] that That's important do that right go for depth and meditate like actually just meditate more like really be and meditate with your partner and be out in nature meditate with nature you know, like be have your sexuality be also connected to God and and the planet like what's around you?
So yeah, that's special do that like try it try that so sex can be a spiritual practice, which is of course time travel yeah, do that one, right? The other one
I mean, I don't know about 26 if I'd say it at that age, but I'd kind of state it now as like, I, I, it definitely at that age as well as like, maybe limit the amount of sex you'd have with people that you wouldn't care, like if you, if you, if they got pregnant, would you be like, Oh God, like try not to have sex with people that you just would not want anything to do with.
You know, after the fact, like you would never have a baby with them because there's also like leaky, you get bodies. You're just getting a big body count and it's like, maybe they're just ones that you didn't need to do. And [01:06:00] at that age you don't really know any better and you don't really know about like sexual energetics and you know, there's a lot of clearings and cleansings that I've done to just clear and feel pure again, you know, take an industrial level of like a hazmat suit clearing out my toenails.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that'd be kind of. Yeah, be spiritually conscious, be sexually conscious and connect with depth instead of quantity. I would shorten that down too. I love the specificity of that. It's great. Well, I love you, brother. I love your vulnerability and just the the grace of this conversation.
I really appreciate it. Yeah, I think you could pull out a more ridiculous, um, uh, open and vulnerable. I hope no one judged me on this one. I'm just here to serve. Yeah, you're serving with a deep open heart and a lot of clarity. And yeah, I really respect you. Thank you, man. Thank you. Great to have you all with us.
And thank you for this. [01:07:00] The thunder is bringing us to a close here. Pleasure and see you all next time. Love, Sex and Leadership.
Nice one. Awesome. Thank you.