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For anyone who’s been in the opposite place of where they want to be 🩷
Real talk, raw truth and a little sparkle ✨ Kirby discuses sex, relationships, ditching alcohol and what it means to really be happy 🌸
Hey, it's Kirby Myers and you're
listening to Behind the Blonde.
Thanks for joining me.
So this is a podcast for anyone
who's been in the opposite
place of where they wanna be.
When we left off last week, I had met.
With my now husband, Britt Meyers,
who is the publisher of our local
newspaper here, and I had presented
him with this piece that I had written
in my phone about my desperation
of drinking too much and feeling
depressed and anxious and pretending
like I had it all on the outside when
I was really crumbling on the inside.
Little did I know that
that meeting would rock.
My fucking world.
It was the most overwhelming and right
feeling I've ever had in my life.
I walked away and just knew that
I had to be around this person.
It was like I had met
my absolute best friend.
I felt like I had known for lifetimes.
So.
Um, my husband knew that I had some
regular meetings set up with him
as I was now writing for his paper.
So three weeks after that meeting,
I knew that it was going in a
direction where I was going to
cross a line, so I came home one
evening actually from a fundraiser
where Brit and I attended together.
He had invited me at this point.
We were definitely,
pushing the boundary and he dropped
me off at home that night and my
husband came to the back door and
he had been away on a business trip
and he came home early and I went
inside and we sat down on the porch
and I looked at him and I said.
I have been having an emotional affair
and I know that I need to explore this.
Further than that, I have not slept
with him, but I can't lie to you about
where I know this is going to go.
And I took my ring off and I put it down
on the coffee table and we had had a third
floor at the house and I went upstairs
and I moved into that bedroom and.
That was pretty much that.
That was February 28th, 2019.
Britt and I could not
stay away from each other.
It was pure magic.
All of a sudden drinking.
It became fun again.
Britt had been single for like four years.
He was divorced, he had a son, and
then we got together and it was like,
I mean, just fireworks it wasn't even
a question of whether we were going to
be together or if we loved each other.
I've never experienced anything like it
in my life, but I can promise any of you
out there that have doubts, soulmates.
1000000% exist and they will show
up at the strangest time and it
will knock your fucking socks off.
So all of a sudden I found myself
negotiating time with my husband we
were splitting time at the house.
He knew that I was dating Brit.
I don't think he thought it
was really real at the time
that I really was gonna leave.
Looking back, I definitely have
regrets about the way I went about it.
I had been so depressed that when
I did meet this love of my life.
I could have been more considerate
about how public we were, we
could have been more low key.
I was constantly on his arm at fundraisers
getting dressed up, and all of the
drinking that went with it, and all
of a sudden I told myself that I was
having a good time drinking again.
I didn't have my kids full-time,
even though we were still
married for a little while.
Our divorce actually became
final pretty quickly.
We did mediation and we
finalized everything within
about 11 hours in August.
Again, that was February
28th when I took my ring off.
So pretty quickly our divorce
was final and Brit and I
eloped in October after that.
So essentially my life was just swapped.
I just went from one.
Life to another.
And it wasn't intentional.
It wasn't because I went crazy like
everybody thought it wasn't because
I needed somebody else to latch
onto because I was getting out of
one marriage seven years later.
This is my fucking person.
This is my world.
And we still go through
the depths of it all.
But when you meet the right person,
there's never a question of whether
you're gonna come out the other side.
And you always come out stronger.
So we have continued to come out
stronger and stronger and stronger.
And one of the biggest things
we came out stronger for was
my decision to quit drinking.
So before when I had my children
and I would drink in the evenings.
I kind of justified it 'cause
the kids were going to bed.
I'd have the baby monitor next to me.
I mean, looking back on it, if
something had ever happened in
the middle of the night and I was.
You know, inebriated on the porch.
If I needed to drive them to the
hospital, I would've had to call somebody.
I would've had to call 9 1 1 to
come, you know, to the house if
they woke up with some crazy fever.
I look back on that and I just can't
believe how unbelievably lucky I am
that nothing terrible ever happened.
But then I didn't have them every
weekend, so I was never a day drinker.
And then all of a sudden I was going
to brunch and drinking during the day
and hanging out with friends, and I
thought it was just all fun and games.
I was putting on a bandaid because
I was in so much pain again, but for
completely different reasons because
in choosing myself in choosing.
Leaving a marriage,
but then not having the kids every
weekend, it was a level of pain
I'd never experienced before.
So the drinking became something
that was masking this unbelievable
wound of feeling like I was missing a
part of my body when they were gone.
So the way to handle that was
by getting pretty messed up
when they weren't with me.
And then the nights that they were
with me, because I was completely
dependent on alcohol at that point,
I would still drink in the evenings.
And on those weekends when I was
with Brit and we were with friends,
everybody would party pretty hard.
But same thing.
Brit would go to bed and I would find
myself out on the porch having a few more.
So I was back in my knowing pretty
quickly, knowing that even though
now the drinking seemed fun on the
outside and I looked like I was having
a great time again, and I was in love,
I was still so sick underneath it
all, and I needed to help myself and
I needed to figure out how to do that.
And I woke up one morning,
it was September 1st.
Of 2020.
And something happened,
something just snapped in me.
I woke up and said, I'm done.
I'm just done.
And I had mentioned to Brit before that
I'd thought about this, but I don't know
how serious he really thought I was.
I think he knew that I drank more than
I should, but everybody kind of drank.
And it was how much vodka I was pouring
in my drink, how many drinks I was
still sneaking at the end of the night
combined with smoking cigarettes.
It was just, it was vile and.
I would look at my children and
I would think to myself, they are
still so young if I do this now.
They're not gonna remember mommy
drinking, and I don't hide it from them.
I'm very open, obviously, about everything
that I've gone through, but I never
wanted them to get to the point where
they grew up old enough and just saw Mommy
having a drink in her hand every night
and thinking that that was normal, and
then perpetuating that cycle for my kids.
That was the biggest reason, other
than wanting to feel better for
myself because of course we all know.
Basics 1 0 1 on self-help is
you have to do it for you.
But when you have kids, that's
a pretty good fucking motivator.
And I love my kids more
than than life itself.
So I woke up that morning and I went
cold Turkey, alcohol and cigarettes,
and I knew they had to go together.
They were like peanut butter and jelly.
For me.
One did not go without the other.
I read and I really dove into the science
behind alcohol and how it rewires your
brain and how it gives you the dopamine
hit to feel really good after that first
or second drink, and then it crashes.
So you're trying to get
back to that, but you don't.
Why?
It gives you anxiety, why it
makes you feel down depressed.
This Naked Mind by Annie Grace was
a really good book that I recommend
to anybody that is dabbling with it.
I think that learning.
How the chemical really works and
understanding that it really is a
poison that we're putting in our bodies.
It kind of makes you think, Ooh, I
don't, I don't wanna touch that again.
I can't believe that I've
been putting this in my body.
It makes you just think about
it in a completely different
light than you ever have.
I just got through the day.
But the nights were tough, but I
found myself pretty quickly falling
asleep really early, so I would.
Pass out around nine o'clock, like
my eyes would just close on me,
but my husband was still partying
with friends from time to time.
He wasn't sitting alone
drinking on a porch like I was.
But he would still have a few too many
drinks when we would have an event
and that was really hard for me.
And I was too damn proud to tell him that
I just needed to stop him drinking and he
would ask me and I was like, no, no, no.
But it wasn't like he
was having a beer or two.
It was like we would go to a
party and with everybody else,
you know, he would push it.
And then I could see the difference in
his just eyes or the way he was talking.
And all of a sudden, you're super clear.
And you don't want the person that
you love more than anything else to
maybe slur their words a little bit
or their eyes to close a little bit.
You want the version of them that you
are seeing before that happens, but
how freaking crazy for him, because
we'd had this entire world that I was
completely a part of, and then I just.
Said, Nope, no more.
And he was expected to follow suit without
being told to follow suit because I
really was kind of playing these games,
but not realizing I was just wanting him
to go and do it without asking him to.
And it was, it was a shit show.
I mean, if I've said this
before, and I'll say this again.
If anything could have broken
us up, it would have been
that it took us to the depths.
And so December 12th, a hundred and
then 12 days after I quit drinking.
I'll never forget, I came home one day
from the shop and he had some friends
over watching football, and they had
all been drinking, and I was just tired.
I was really, really tired.
I felt like I love this man
more than anything in the world.
I don't really know how to.
Exist here in Key West without
drinking to fit into the
social scene without drinking.
And so I said, screw it.
And I went and bought a pack of cigarettes
because I knew that if I was gonna have
a drink, that I needed my cigarettes
and I hadn't smoked any pot either.
And that night I just got
completely obliterated.
I drank, I smoked pot, I smoked
cigarettes, and that was it for the next
four months when I did not have my kids.
I think I was looking back on it
subconsciously taking it so far because
I knew that when I decided to quit again,
that there was no turning back, so I
had to get so disgusted with myself.
That I had to be done, and let me tell
you, I was so disgusted with myself.
And on April 25th, 2021, I quit for good.
And I would read all sorts of books
by women that were in similar kind
of lifestyles, whether they were
mothers, they had businesses, they
had, you know, families, um, people
that you know from the outside.
Looking in.
Didn't seem like they had some
crazy problem, but they really
did, and they had been struggling.
So things that I could really
relate to, I found that that was
the most helpful to me in reading.
And then writing, writing down how I
was feeling almost every single day.
Um, they call it a pink cloud that you
can hit where you get these really high
highs or you feel like you're floating.
You go back to this childlike
feeling of luster and wander and
just having zest for life again.
And one of my girlfriends told
me how one day after she got
sober, she walked outside and the
sky was a little bit brighter.
And I remember that
happening for me one day.
I remember walking down the street and
the colors were just more vibrant and
more beautiful, and those little moments
were the moments that kept me going.
I had a really good friend.
I have a really good friend, Lindsay,
who I attribute to really helping me.
Lindsay was somebody that had
been sober for a long time.
So Lindsay is the person that I would
call when I would go on long walks.
Walks saved me.
I had to get fresh air.
I had to just walk.
Through it.
And I would walk and walk
and walk in the dark.
And I would message Lindsay,
or I would call Lindsay.
You know, if you don't work a program,
if you don't go to rehab, if you can
find one person that you can lean on,
that you can call that there's no.
Qualms.
There's no judgment, there's
nothing but just love that can
save you, and she saved me.
So Lindsay, I love you so much.
Thank you.
I had to become really antisocial.
I mean, I just had to , really remove
myself from most situations, and
in turn, I lost a lot of people.
You will lose people when you stop
drinking, but you won't lose friends.
You will lose people, but
you will not lose friends.
Because those people that you no longer
associate with, that used to hang
out with all the time, you realize
they were just drinking buddies and
when you take that away, you really
didn't have anything else in common.
And that doesn't make them bad people.
I look back and I have some really
fun memories, some really fun, awesome
people that I used to drink with.
But if drinking wasn't a part of the
equation anymore, I couldn't be around
them if that was their lifestyle.
I realize that for me, if I'm around
excessive drinking now, it makes
me physically very uncomfortable.
I just don't like it.
I.
Set that boundary with myself, and
there's nothing wrong with that.
Nothing at all.
Another one of my favorite sayings
is that no is a complete sentence
and you don't have to give a
reason why you need to leave.
I used to always have to
make excuses for everything.
This is my personal boundary.
Brit
it took a little while and eventually he
got on board and he started to drink less
and less and less, and now flash forward,
he really doesn't hardly drink at all.
We don't have any alcohol in the house.
And he just agrees that when
we look back at the lifestyle
before, we can't even imagine.
I mean, physically, I literally
can't imagine having a hangover.
Like the thought of having a hangover,
I'm just like, oh, my entire body.
But again, it was the mental motivation
for me, the anxiety, wanting to be
that best version of myself possible.
So I would look at my children, and I
would think about the things and the
goals that I wanted in my life and for
my future and what I could accomplish
and how I could show up in this world
and the impact that I could make.
And that's what kept me
going every single day.
I somehow made it and
I will be five years.
Alcohol and nicotine free come
April, and as I mentioned a couple
months ago, I removed pot completely,
which I actually feel like was the
final piece of the puzzle for me.
I didn't smoke pot at all for
about the first six months and
then I slowly reintroduced it.
To be honest, I felt like I deserved
something and if I was gonna have
something, it should be something that's
plant-based and that they, you know,
prescribed to cancer patients but looking
back again, like I had to train myself to
get stoned because marijuana was always.
In conjunction with alcohol.
I never was a just pot smoker.
So when I reintroduced it, I
would kind of have anxiety.
I would feel weird, but then
I like pushed through it.
I mean here is my still like addictive
behavior still coming through.
I'm like, no, I will smoke pot.
I can do this, I can normalize this.
And eventually I did.
And I enjoyed it from time to time.
And lo and behold, after years of
smoking pot here and there, I found
myself night after night getting high.
And all of a sudden waking up one day a
few months ago and going, holy fucking
shit, Kirby, you're now addicted to pot.
Like you have to smoke every night.
You wanna smoke every night and you're not
doing it anymore just for fun you know,
and I rationalized it for so long because
smoking some pot versus getting drunk,
you are not acting like an asshole.
And I'm not here to bash pot.
By the way, I think that there's
a lot of people that use it, that
it's great, and it can be used
for a lot of different things
but again, I am.
An addict, so I'm going
to abuse whatever it is.
As the years went by my
life was getting busier.
It was getting better and more full,
my business was starting to grow.
I had taken on more
philanthropy work in town.
I had started working with a dance
company, so I had a lot of balls
in my court, so I felt like my
days were so go, go, go, go, go.
That.
At the end of the night, it was like I
deserved to come home and smoke a bowl.
And I had been questioning it for a while.
I was in the knowing again there.
I was knowing probably for the last year.
I mean, if you asked a handful
of my girlfriends, I would say to
them like, I think I need to smoke.
You know, quit smoking pot and a lot of
my friends smoke and they would always
just be like, well, Kirby, just, you
don't need to smoke the whole joint.
Just have a couple puffs.
And I'm like, that's like telling
me to just have the glass of wine.
I'm not programmed like that.
I wish I was programmed
like that, but I'm not.
So same kind of thing.
I woke up one day and just said, I'm done.
I have to be done.
I wrote an affirmation.
On my mirror and I said, I choose
my health, my kids, and abundance.
And those were my reasons
for stopping smoking.
And the first week that I
quit smoking was insane.
I was bawling, crying, I mean
bawling, crying every day.
I didn't realize how many emotions
I'd been repressing in the evening.
I had been like mad at the
world with everything going on.
, Just, you know.
Humanity wise, and I think I
was using that as an escape.
So I just released all that.
It was the missing piece
of the puzzle for me.
To remove pot and become 100% clear?
I can truly say I am sober and I
feel like a fucking rockstar, and
I can say that with confidence.
I feel like a super woman.
It's given me a sense of freedom
that is so unbelievably beautiful.
I feel too damn good to go back to it.
And it is this knowing of this feeling
that I have of loving myself and this
version of me that doesn't need anything
else to feel fabulous, that knows
that I'm not gonna go there again.
So just remember that if you know it,
if you feel it, honor it, sit with it.
listen to your body at all times,
and.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Don't be afraid to stay
home from the party.
Set those boundaries.
Feel it, know it, honor it.
And remember, you can flip the script.
It takes time,
it takes choices.
And some of them are really small,
and some of them are really big and
some of them are easier, and some
of them are really, really hard.
But it is those choices day by day,
year by year that start to get you
to the place that you wanna be.
And we can get to those
places, choice by choice,
so believe in yourself.
Love yourself.
Choose yourself, and remember, no
matter what it is, because all of our
struggles look different, and I just
hope that my struggles help you feel
a little bit less alone, but you can
get to the place that you wanna be.
So if you know that's where
you wanna go, let's get there.
Thanks for listening to Behind the Blonde.