External Desire or Inner Fire? (S9E1)

Show Notes

Tap to send me your reflections ♡

This episode is about how we can be drawn by things we think we want but they can sometimes seem impossible to attain.

Like moving jobs - we might find ourselves often retelling the same story of how we 'should' be doing something else / hate what we’re doing / want to move on - but year after year find ourselves still working in the same way at the same place.

And there’s an important point about that phrase ‘working in the same way’ - often the change that’s needed ISN’T about WHERE we work or even WHO we work with but HOW we work.

And we may even find that learning to love where we are can become PART of our INNER WORK of learning to love WHO we are - seeing what it teaches us, how we can keep deepening our self-awareness until we understand WHY choices we’ve made in the past  have brought ourselves to this place in our life.

And from there, change can start to feel much more possible.

Alongside this, there's the question of how we can access and harness our INNER FIRE in order to help motivate our actions towards what truly serves us. Understanding that the EXTERNAL DESIRE may not always be highlighting our own best path forward.

I hope you enjoy this exploration. And, as ever, I'd love to hear your thoughts, challenges, additions, reflections. 

With love
Henny x

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What is the Henny Flynn podcast?

A space to settle in and listen, and see where the episode takes you. This inspiring, reflective podcast is an invitation to travel deeper, with compassionate self-enquiry.

Henny shares insights from her own life, alongside practices that help us connect with our inner wisdom, explore our relationship with change and find a greater sense of flow. Henny believes we all hold our own answers, so there are no one-size-fits-all solutions here. This is a space to be with what’s true for you, and to grow from there.

If you’re drawn to slowing down, listening in, and exploring what it means to live with greater authenticity, this podcast is for you. Guided by psychology, mindfulness, therapeutic coaching, flow journaling, and everyday compassion, we explore ideas that help us step further into our inner worlds, in order to shape the changes we seek in our outer worlds.

Unknown: For me, part of that
complexity can be that the

external desire is there, this
like pushing out desire is

there. But that inner fire to
provoke you interaction might be

missing. And we can find
ourselves beating ourselves up

about this lack of action. And
that can compound the situation

of course, because criticising
ourselves, and through that

criticism, we actually start to
build another layer of

resistance around ourselves, it
becomes something else something

extra that we have to move
through, in order to make the

change actually happen.

Well, welcome to season nine of
the podcast. That's all about

deepening our self awareness.

With profound self compassion.

I'm Henny, I write coach and
speak about how making changes

in our inner world can transform
how we experience our outer

world, all founded on a bedrock
of self love. Settle in, and

listen and see where the episode
takes you.

External desire in a fire.

Today's episode is all about how
we can be drawn by things we

think we want. But they can
sometimes seem impossible to

attain. It feels particularly
fitting to be recording this

right at the very beginning of
January. And if you're on the

mailing list, then you'll know
you'll have received a message

from me today, in fact, about
the fact that I was feeling very

quiet wasn't necessarily being
kind of drawn into action. And I

felt it was kind of as a result,
or as a response to a lot of the

noise and the busyness that
often happens at this time of

year. It's almost like I like
sort of seesaw effect, as the

noise increases around me, I
tend to get quieter. I don't

know if that resonates with you
too. But actually as an outcome

of writing to all the wonderful
people who are part of this

community. And if you want to be
part of the community and get

these emails to then just come
and sign up on the website,

which is Henny flynn.co.uk. But
as a Yeah, as a result of

sending that message out, it
actually inspired me to ease

myself back into doing this
beautiful work, you know, this

work that I absolutely love and
and so here I am recording a

fresh episode of the podcast for
you. And I really hope you enjoy

these musings, it was actually
something that I wrote or

thought about towards the end of
last year. And like I say it

just feels particularly fitting
actually to be returning to it

right at the beginning of a new
year. Because so often, we start

to see this time at the
beginning of January of course

as a time of change. There's
often a lot of guidance advice,

sometimes, you know, instruction
around what we should be doing

or how to create changes in a
really positive way in our

lives. But this episode is more
about how we can be drawn by

things we think we want, but
they can sometimes seem

impossible to attain. And and I
define that as being external

desire needs to be matched by
inner fire in order for those

changes to manifest. So I'm
going to take you on a little

thought ramble now as we explore
this idea, and as ever, I hope

that it sparks some thoughts for
you. I'd love to hear from you

and and I'd love to hear from
everybody. As you share your

reflections with me and you can
always just email me Henny at

Henny flynn.co.uk Even just as a
sounding board for yourself,

even if you you're not really
lucky For a response directly

from me, I'm very, very happy to
receive your messages. And

let's, let's dive in. So So one
way of beginning this

exploration is to think about
times where you might have

wanted to change jobs, for
example. Or get out of any kind

of situation where you're
consistently participating in a

particular environment. But it
just doesn't feel like it's

serving you anymore. So if we
think about this in terms of

work, we might find ourselves
often retelling the same story

of how we should be doing
something else. We might even

use language like we hate what
we're doing, or that we really

just want to move on. But year
after year, we find ourselves

still working in the same way,
at the same place with the same

people. But there's an important
point about that phrase, working

in the same way. And that's
really what I want to focus on

today. Because often, the change
that's needed isn't about where

we work, or even who we work
with. But it's actually about

how we work. Or to be even
clearer. It's about how we're

framing how we work, how we're
framing that relationship that

we have with that workplace. And
we may even find that learning

to love, where we are, can
become part of our inner work,

of learning to love who we are.

Seeing what it teaches us how we
can keep deepening our self

awareness through that
experience, until we actually

get to a point where perhaps we
understand why choices we've

made in the past brought
ourselves to this place in our

life. And from there, change can
start to feel much more

possible. And my personal
experience, and the experience

that I have with so many clients
is that often once we've learned

to love, and I'm putting kind of
inverted commas around that

word. Once we've learned to love
the thing that we are resisting,

we're then able to release it
sufficiently that we can move

on. So in this context, the word
love might feel a bit too big. I

mean, it in the sense that we're
no longer endlessly in judgement

over the thing, whatever it is
the job or the place that we

live, or the relationship that
that we're in, we reach a place

where we can be with it, without
it triggering the resistance,

the tension, the frustration,
whatever it might be for you.

And when I was reflecting on
this, that phrase, If you love

something, let it go kept
reverberating around my head.

And my feeling is that that
phrase gets turned on its head.

So it becomes if you want to let
something go learn to love it.

However, this also comes with a
health warning, as clearly there

are times when we need to make
change happen more quickly. So

if we're in any way unsafe in a
situation, then we need to

listen to the guidance of our
inner voice and take the steps

access the support we need, and
move ourselves safely,

purposefully, effectively away
from whatever is putting us at

risk. But in those cases where
we know that part of us knows we

need to make a change, but we
can't quite find our way

through. And we essentially just
start to feel stuck. Maybe some

of the following thoughts and
reflections might resonate with

you, or they might spark a brand
new thought or a reflection or

an action for you. So there's
another kind of aspect to this

as well in terms of the health
warning. So if you're at risk of

burnout, I see this again I see
it a lot with clients or with

people Do come and speak with
me. Where there's a sense that

they are at risk of burnout,
then really listen to your body.

I mean, often the very fact that
somebody's chosen to book in for

discovery call with me, is often
for me a marker that

intuitively, they know that
something really needs to change

for their own benefit for their
own well being. So listen to

those cues that your body is
giving you that your own actions

are giving you, and take the
steps that you need to support

yourself in restoring your
health and your well being

sufficiently that you're able to
clearly think through what will

most serve you in this time.

Because part of the challenge,
of course, is that once we're

caught in that cyclical trap of
wanting something else, but not

knowing how to get there, it can
become overwhelming. And we can

start to feel as though change
just is no longer possible. So

the steps that we might need to
take in that kind of situation

could include taking a break
from work, or, or even taking a

sabbatical if that's available
to you

speaking to a trusted ally in
the workplace, who listen, truly

listen, and we'll help you
create some ease in your

situation. And of course,
connect with a coach like me, or

or with a counsellor, who can
help you disentangle what's

going on. So you can see what
action to take with greater

clarity is basically that thing
that helps you just create a bit

of distance from your
experience, in order that you

can look at it with some
perspective. And I think this

also applies to relationships as
well, you know, if you've ever

been in a relationship with
someone, and you know, that

relationship isn't serving you,
and potentially isn't serving

them, either. But you've stayed,
because you haven't been able to

see your way through, then, you
know, welcome to the club, you

know, so many of us have been in
that place. You know, perhaps

friends or family, I've heard
you talk and urged you just to

get out. But they don't
necessarily understand the

complexity of the situation. And
for me, part of that complexity

can be that the external desire
is there, this like, pushing out

desire is there. But that inner
fire to provoke you interaction

might be missing. And we can
find ourselves beating ourselves

up about this lack of action.

And that can compound the
situation, of course, because

criticising ourselves, and
through that criticism, we

actually start to build another
layer of resistance around

ourselves, it becomes something
else something extra that we

have to move through in order to
make the change actually happen.

And it can become a vicious
cycle. And I've heard myself go

through this too, and actually,
be completely honest, get to

that point where I became so
bored with my own voice, about

the changes that I wanted to
make, but never seem to actually

find the inner fire to make them
happen. I got so bored with

hearing myself talk about it to
friends and family that I

actually stopped speaking about
the changes I thought I wanted

and instead internalised the
frustration that I felt. And of

course, when we do that, those
emotions because they're fierce,

those emotions, they get lodged
in our bodies, and that tension

builds and the inner fire can
actually get further dampened.

And so we become even more
stuck. But the really vital

thing to remember is that this
fire, this inner fire will never

fully go out. We cannot
extinguish this inner flame. It

is always there for us. We
simply need to learn how to fuel

it. And the means by which each
of us fuels that inner fire will

be different, of course. But one
of the things I often hear is a

desire to be more disciplined
and actually even as I say that

I I've heard myself use that
word before as well. And it's a

really common way of subtly
inflicting a wound on ourselves.

So if only I was more
disciplined, can be another way

of saying, If only I wasn't so
lazy, which is clearly extremely

judgmental. So I don't know if
you've ever felt that I know I

have. Even though I also know
that I'm a hard worker, and I'm

someone who can get things done
when I really want to, I have

also carried a story, that the
thing that stopped me making

changes in the past was that I
was lazy, or that I was

incompetent, I wasn't capable.

In the case of jobs, nobody
would want me because I wasn't

good enough. So that's those
stories can become ways of

weaponizing the challenges that
we're experiencing, and they

just serve to keep us where we
are. And it's this place, which

is where this external desire
meets the inner fire. This place

of discipline, I suppose,
because for me, I think

discipline sits side by side
with motivation, it's really

hard to have the former without
the latter. So understanding our

motivational drivers becomes
really powerful way to connect

with what fires us up to take
action. And, and I also really

strongly believe that this is
where working with someone who

can help you sort things through
can be so powerful, because

often, it's only when we're
talking something through out

loud, that we can really hear
what's going on in our own head,

and what's going on in our own
heart, and hear the wisdom from

our own belly. Because, you
know, this first step toward

making change is always about
self awareness. And, you know,

spoiler alert, with self
compassion, of course. So, so we

begin by looking inward, and
then we look outward. So, if any

of this is resonating with you,
One approach is to see what

there may be going on in your
own life right now. Or in the

past, because sometimes, often,
I think, actually, it can be a

lot easier to look back, because
we've got all the benefits of

perspective and hindsight, and,
and to explore, where you may

have experienced the external
desire to make change without

the inner fire. And to explore
what are the times when that

inner fire has driven you
forward, maybe toward things you

never even knew you wanted. And
I say, again, the vital thing,

of course, is always to do this
work with compassion, never with

judgement, simply to see. Now,
one approach that you might

enjoy doing, and it feels it's a
lovely exercise to do at any

point of transition, is to map
this in some way. So you might

like to do a timeline, across
your life, you know, across your

adult life. And to plot you
know, where are the times where

you remember, you really, really
wanted to make a change, but it

just didn't feel possible you
you know, and in the language of

this podcast episode, you
recognise that you just didn't

have that inner fire. And then
to look at times where you had

this like powerful inner fire,
this powerful motivation that

pushed you forward. Like I said,
perhaps the things that you

might not have fully expected
you are going to do. And one

other kind of point around this
idea of external desire is

remembering that sometimes, that
sense of the external desire

might not always belong to you.

So sometimes we think we want
something because we're carrying

a story or a belief or a
pattern, or a desire that

actually belongs to an old
version of us. or perhaps it

belongs to someone else, or to
an idealised version of us that

we've created through our
familial, cultural or social

experience. So, for me, one of
those stories, actually, I mean,

just reflecting in this moment
on this, you know, I went to

university, partly because my
mom who was extraordinarily

bright, and did her a levels at
the age of 16, because she was

two years ahead of herself at
school, didn't go to university,

and all her life she really
wished that she had. And so I

went, I was actually carrying a
story that belonged to her.

And, actually, when I was there,
there was quite a lot of

resistance inside me, I didn't
have that inner fire, I didn't

have that inner motivation that
really pushed me forward into

wanting to excel at university
wanting to work hard at

university. Ultimately, I'm very
glad I went. And I'm very glad

that I had all the experiences
that I had. But it wasn't

actually something that truly
fully belonged to me. So there

might be some things like that,
that you notice if you do this,

this timeline, or you can do it
as a mind map, you know,

whatever, whatever approach
works for you. Because without

that inner motivation,
manifesting external desires can

become an exercise in futility.

So if we think about it in terms
of making changes in our lives,

manifesting external desires can
become this exercise in

futility, or can feel like we're
wading through treacle or

endlessly having to knock down
walls in our effort to move

forward and softening into what
we're noticing is and can be,

but I, for me, is a far more
powerful way of making progress.

Asking, always what truly serves
me here, what will fuel my fire

so again, coming back to the
fact that I'm sharing this

episode, right at the very
beginning of 2023. I invite you

to let these ideas percolate
around any shirts or musts or

thoughts that you might be
noticing any sort of things that

you feel you should must ought
to be doing. And just check in

with yourself is there that
inner fire is there that

motivation to make that change
happen, and if there isn't, then

perhaps explore what could help
you create the level of

motivation that is going to help
you fuel the action that you

need in order to make the
change. And maybe that is

getting the support of somebody
who can walk beside you. And of

course, I'm here. So if this
feels like something where you

want to talk things through, you
can book in for a session with

me if you know, it's just a one
off session, or if you're

considering having a coaching
programme to help you with a

longer, deeper change, then book
in for a discovery call with me,

everything's on the website,
it's really easy to do. And I

would love to talk to you. And,
you know, and equally, if it

just feels like you need to sit
with the idea of the changes

that you need to make and, and
help yourself just soften into

that and create a bit of
distance in order to understand

what might be driving that
external desire. Then then give

yourself permission to do that
we, we often get trapped in this

illusion of busyness as being
you know, the the way we should

be. And often actually coming
into quietness and stillness can

be so much more effective, you
know, step away, step away from

where we feel The resistance and
and I think with that comes

perhaps a kind of deepening
awareness of that inner fire and

really listening to that, you
know that that sort of deep part

of us that for me sits deep
inside my belly and just see

what what's really drawing your
attention once some of the noise

has subsided Great, well, I hope
you enjoy that exploration we

sort of touched on lots of
different things. And really as

with all of these episodes, the
intent is to share some thought

starters with you just to see
where it takes your own

thinking. And like I said at the
beginning, if you'd like to

share some of your thoughts or
or challenge you know, share

some questions challenge, then
please do you know, come find me

on the Henny Flynn group on
Facebook or Henny underscore

Flynn on Instagram too. You can
always email me alright my

darlings. I sent you a hug