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What comes to mind when you think about your father? Is it joy, pain, or indifference? Whatever it is, it can reveal deeper wounds that still affect you today. In this journey of healing, Zach Garza invites you to explore topics like generational sin, emotional scars, and the transformative power of forgiveness through the lens of his own story of growing up without a father in the home. By confronting the past, you'll discover how to break free, embrace your true identity, and experience the unconditional love of God.
Chapter 22: Becoming What You Never Had. Now that my kids are older, I am acutely aware of how much they watch. Now that my kids are older, I'm acutely aware of how much they watch and emulate me. Everything I do, they do. I find them repeating phrases I say often.
Speaker 1:The days are long, but the years are short, and I wanna maximize the season. I want more than anything to become what I never had as a child. I don't want my kids to know a day when they don't have full confidence in the love of their father. The trick is how do I do that if I've never had that in my own life? How can I become what I never saw?
Speaker 1:For those with father wounds, breaking the generational cycle within your own family takes intentional, prayerful, and hard work but can be done. By no means do I have it all figured out as each season brings about a new set of challenges and celebrations, but I wanna share important things I have learned from older men as I become the spouse, father, and role model for my dang. By no means do I have it all figured out as each season brings about a new set of challenges and celebrations. But I wanna share things I have learned from other men as I have become a spouse, father, and role model for my kids. Here's a list of practical to dos I have learned from mentors, friends, and other father figures.
Speaker 1:For your spouse. My wife is the most important human being in my life. The most important thing you can give your children the most important thing you can give your children is a healthy marriage and a healthy spouse. If mom and dad are doing well, more often than not, the kids will follow. Here are some things I have learned from others to make sure I am being a loving spouse to my bride.
Speaker 1:Laugh often. I'm amazed at my ability to be all business whenever I get home. Sometimes I am so concerned with dishes and work and kids and dinner that I forget to bring joy into my house. One thing I do before I walk into the door is sit in my car and let go of all that happened during the workday. I release all worry, anxiety, and thoughts and leave them in the car.
Speaker 1:I then put a smile on my face and go inside and kiss my wife. This sets the tone for a joyful evening. After all, the joy of the Lord is my strength. Nehemiah eight ten. For my wife and I, we find ways to laugh by playing board games.
Speaker 1:We put on good music, maybe make a drink, and break out a simple game. If we're not in the mood for a board game, we toss on a pot of decaf coffee, sit at the kitchen table, and share stories about our day. Just being with each other and sharing stories makes us laugh and brings us joy, especially if we're fighting or having a bad day. Forcing ourselves to laugh is good medicine. It's amazing how disarming a laugh can be when you are at war with your spouse.
Speaker 1:It's quite easy after a long day to just sit in front of the TV and check out. There's nothing wrong with that on some nights, but I would say if you're doing it every night, you may wanna ask if it's good for your relationship. Pray together. I don't know why it is so hard to pray with my spouse, but it is. It's almost like there is some kind of spiritual darkness that doesn't want us unified before God Almighty.
Speaker 1:I can pray with my friends and with strangers at church, but my wife and I have a hard time praying with each other. Sure. I pray on my own and she prays on our own, but rarely together. The crazy thing is that when we pray together, we become more unified than ever. We can feel the power of the Lord between us.
Speaker 1:Where two or more are gathered, there is the Lord, it says in Matthew eighteen twenty. So find a good time for you two to pray often. Pray for each other, your marriage, your kids, and anything else that is on your heart. For us, we pray best in the morning before the kids get up and the day gets going. Find your time to join with your spouse to commune with the Lord through prayer.
Speaker 1:Serve your spouse. Sometimes the best thing I can do for my spouse is to serve her. Whether it is doing the dishes, running an errand, or folding the laundry, I can love my wife well by lightening her load. We discuss who is doing what so we have clear expectations. Serve well as Jesus came to serve, not to be served.
Speaker 1:Matthew twenty twenty eight. My wife knows I hate taking out the trash, so she kindly takes on that duty. I know she doesn't like emptying the dishwasher, so I do that for her. We don't keep a tally of who does what or get mad when the other one doesn't do as much as the other. Instead, we give grace, knowing that sometimes life is hard and the other one could use a break.
Speaker 1:A chore chart has helped us immensely and clearly defines who does what. It is childish to have a chore chart as a grown man. Is it childish to have a chore chart as a grown man? Yes. Yes.
Speaker 1:It is. But you can call me childish all day long if it means I'm loving my wife by serving her well. Be intentional. Everyone likes it when someone goes out of their way to make them feel special, seen, and known. Your spouse is no different.
Speaker 1:This doesn't mean you have to spend a ton of money or be extravagant. It just means to do things that let the other person know that you care about them. A little intentionality goes a long way to show your spouse that you love them. For my wife and I, we do two things, date nights and trips together. We know the importance of getting away, just the two of us, on a consistent basis.
Speaker 1:My wife also likes it when I plan to do something special for her. She loves adventures, I do my best to do something new for her every so often. On date nights, we get dressed up, go to dinner, and truly catch up with each other. We get out of town for a couple days at least once a quarter. There, we make memories, rest, and experience a new environment.
Speaker 1:This doesn't have to break the bank either. We've been camping to other people's lake houses and to friends trailers in the middle of nowhere. We have been camping to friends lake houses and to someone's trailer in the middle of nowhere. Just getting out of your normal environment can do wonders for your marriage. Become an expert.
Speaker 1:Learn as much as you can about your spouse. How are they wired? My wife knows that I'm an introvert and a visionary, and I like the finer things in life. I know my wife loves adventure and creativity and needs her alone time. Taking personality tests and figuring out love languages has also helped us love each other in the right ways.
Speaker 1:Give space. In my first few years of marriage, I always wanted to spend time with my wife to the detriment of spending time with my friends. I did that because that's what I thought a good husband did. One day, a friend of mine called and asked me to play basketball. I can.
Speaker 1:I'm hanging out with my wife tonight, I said. My wife pulled me aside and said, why don't you go play basketball? You love basketball and hanging out with your friends. I'll stay here and take a bath. I love and need my alone time.
Speaker 1:That's the night that I figured out my wife doesn't have the same needs as I do. I need people and she needs alone time. I can go out and she can rest. That's the night I figured out my that's the night that I figured out my wife doesn't have the same needs as I do. I need people, and she needs alone time.
Speaker 1:I can go out and she can rest, and we both come back recharged. That's a win win. What brings your spouse life? What makes them come alive? Give them the space to do that, and when they return, they will be filled up with life and the energy needed to love you well.
Speaker 1:Be the champion. For a long time into our marriage, I thought marriage was all about dying to self. But isn't there more to marriage? That's when I realized that instead of focusing on dying to self, I could focus on championing my wife. I could focus all my strength on helping her become her best self, and she would do the same.
Speaker 1:When you champion your spouse, you help them become all that the Lord has, and they do the same for you. Although these look similar in action, helping them become their best self is a much more encouraging mindset than dying to self day after day. Simply put, you'll go a lot further in your marriage by telling your wife what she's doing right instead of focusing on what they're doing wrong. Pursue counseling. Sometimes in marriage, you hit some rocky roads that are hard to navigate.
Speaker 1:In times like this, you may need a guide to help you overcome. It's not if you'll need marital counseling. It's when. My wife and I have been through some hard times, counseling has helped us learn how to deal with setbacks and unfortunate events in a healthy, positive way. I know some people, especially guys, may not be open to counseling, but I find it to be I know some people, especially guys, may not be open to counseling, but I have found it to be well worth the cost.
Speaker 1:People spend money on guides and wise counsel to help them eat healthy, exercise, and excel at work. Isn't your marriage just as, if not more, important than all those things? Do your research and be selective about your counselor that you choose, and if you can, go with someone endorsed by a trusted leader or pastor. Have a healthy sex life. Having a healthy sex life is good for have a healthy sex life.
Speaker 1:Having a healthy sex life is good for several reasons. First, it brings us closer together. Next, it helps me as a man stay focused on the love of my life and center my affections on her. Lastly, it's fun and gives us both something to look forward to. Sex is a gift from the Lord to be between husband and wife.
Speaker 1:Celebrate the good gift that it is. All that being said, I'm amazed at how hard it is to get this one right. Never in a million years would I have thought I would pass up sex, but it gets really tempting when you've had a hard day and all you want to do is go to sleep. You toss in kids, health issues, fighting, and just plain laziness and you've got yourself some issues. One thing is for certain.
Speaker 1:Talking about sexual expectations helps a ton. Scheduling it and being proactive in pursuing her is also a great idea. Oftentimes, my wife and I found ourselves choosing to have sex rather than feeling excited to have sex, but it always brings us closer together, and that's a good thing. Don't give advice. Often, whether out of fear or pride, I wanna give my wife advice and direction as to what she should do with her life.
Speaker 1:Let me tell you, it has never worked out well. No one likes the advice monster. But then I learned perhaps the most important thing in my marriage. The Lord loves my wife more than I do. He wants her to succeed more than I do, and he has a plan for her life.
Speaker 1:My job as a husband is to pray, serve, love, and champion my wife, not give her unsolicited advice. This takes a lot of trust as I must have faith that my. This takes a lot of trust as I must have faith that my wife will consult the Lord, wise counsel, and her friends. I also trust that she will consider me, our family, and our marriage in all the decisions she makes. Instead of telling her what I think, I will pray with her, listen to her process, and ask her questions.
Speaker 1:But, ultimately, she has her own life to live, and God has good things in store for her. For your children. As a father, my children will be influenced by who I am. My character will shape theirs. If I want them to be kind, I must be kind.
Speaker 1:They will learn how to forgive by watching me forgive those who hurt me. If I want my kids to become something, I must first become that thing. I cannot give to my kids what I don't have. If you want your children to love Jesus and love their neighbors well, it starts with you first. Besides loving my wife well, the other most important and impactful thing I will ever do is love my kids.
Speaker 1:Dang. Besides loving my wife well, the other most important and impactful thing I've ever done for my kids is to be around fathers I wanted to be like. If I saw a man who I considered a good father, I would ask him out for coffee and learn from him. Most of these guys learned how to be a good father because they had a good father and or healthy father figures in their lives. Date your kids.
Speaker 1:My good friend Bryant taught me how to get quality one on one time with your kids at least once a week. Take them to breakfast once a week, he told me. I started that tradition a few years ago, and now daddy dates are my favorite events of the week. During our breakfast, we have no agenda other than spending time with each other. We talk about what they wanna talk about, and we eat what they wanna eat.
Speaker 1:Usually, this takes about forty five minutes. Every week, when asked what their favorite time of the week was, our kids answer, my date with dad. Although we may not talk about anything important during our breakfast now, I am laying the foundation for opportunities for serious talks later. When my son is in junior high or high school and something big pops up, he has an opportunity to share it with dad in a one on one setting. He knows he will have dad's full attention in one morning a week.
Speaker 1:He knows he will have dad's full attention one morning a week for an hour. It is here that I can listen, encourage, and affirm my children. I believe when they are old and think back to their childhood, dates with dad will be one of the first things they remember. Make memories. In preparation for this book, I asked 100 people in my community what they make memories.
Speaker 1:In preparation for this book, I asked 100 people in my community what they remember most about their childhood. Every single person, without exception, mentioned a memory they had with their dad. Most talked a whole lot about experiences they had with their father instead of lectures or advice. That struck a chord with me. Typically, I like to rest and chill a lot more than I do create adventures and experiences, but now it's time to put a little more effort into making memories for my children.
Speaker 1:I live in Texas where it is hot and humid about 92% of the year, but this past winter, we had about a foot of snow dump on us seemingly out of nowhere. I can't stand the snow. It was freezing, icy, and a miserable I can't stand the snow. It was freezing, icy, and I can't stand the snow. It was man.
Speaker 1:I can't stand the snow. It was a freezing, icy, and miserable week for this warm budded. I cannot stand the snow. It was a freezing, icy, and miserable week for this warm, blooded Texas boy. The only thing I wanted was to sit by a fire and read a book with a cup of coffee in my hand.
Speaker 1:But I remembered the importance of making memories and saw this snowy week as an opportunity for something my kids will talk about when they are adults. So I bundled up, took a couple of laundry baskets, tied it to the back of my pickup truck, and dragged my kids around the neighborhood. My kids had the time of their lives. We made a memory they will never forget. We created an experience that will outlast my life and bring a smile to my children's face when they think of it.
Speaker 1:So go the extra mile to create memories for your kids. Get off the couch and get intentional. Making memories will speak volumes about your love for your children. Doing so will give them something they can hold on to that will never be taken away from them. Go on family vacations.
Speaker 1:In the same vein as making memories go on family vacations. In the same vein as making memories, taking a family vacation each year will be something your children always remember. Now this is especially hard for me as the logical side of me wants to save money and thinks spending money on a water park or hotel isn't the best use. It is so worth it, though. You don't have to spend a lot of money to do this as a staycation or camping works just as well as a Hawaii getaway.
Speaker 1:Just be intentional about unplugging from work in your environment to take a week to be just with your family. They will thank you when they're older. I promise you that. Provide loving discipline. One of my biggest fears as a parent was that disciplining my child would cause them to dislike me.
Speaker 1:What I have found is it is the exact what I have found is the exact opposite. Disciplining my children somehow brings us closer together. It is a form of love as God the father disciplines those whom he loves. My rule of thumb is don't let your kids do anything that is unbiblical or will cause you to dislike them. Discipline is correction.
Speaker 1:Disciplining in love without anger or raising your voice is the tricky but important part. Your actions are saying you are doing something that is going to cause you harm in the future. Do this instead. Still, it is our job as parents to prepare our children for life, not to be their best friends. The Bible notes that no discipline seems pleasant at the time but painful.
Speaker 1:Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews twelve eleven. Speak life over your children. I believe encouraging words can build a person up and help them do the hard things in life. I want my kids to speak life over themselves and learn who the Lord says they are.
Speaker 1:I want them to walk in wisdom. I believe this will strengthen them as they grow up and help defeat the lies of the enemy. Here's how we do it. Every morning, I take my kids to school. On the car ride there, we play a little game.
Speaker 1:Here's how it goes. I say the first part of the sentence, and they say the second. We do the right thing no matter what. Why do we fall down? To get back up.
Speaker 1:Why do we fail? We learn from our mistakes. If it's worth doing, it's worth doing right. Failing helps you get better. Life is all about making good choices over and over again.
Speaker 1:If you see something that needs to be done, do it. Good things happen when you try new things. It takes a long time to build trust and a second to lose it. You spell faith. R I S K.
Speaker 1:It feels good to make other people feel good. Why do we work hard to give ourselves the best chance of success? If we don't know the answer, figure it out. If we can't figure it out, we ask for help. What's our people goal?
Speaker 1:To make their day better. What's our heart goal? To love all people. What's our mind goal? To learn something new.
Speaker 1:True significance is making others better. What do we focus on? Good things, not the bad things. I love you just as I am. My character is more important than what I do.
Speaker 1:What do we pursue? Wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. Life is not fair. Make the most out of what life gives you. Friends are important, but family is the most important.
Speaker 1:It's not about me. I am not what I have. I am not what I do. I am not what other people think or say about me. I am a beloved child of God and that's enough.
Speaker 1:Once we're done, I pray for them and have one of them pray for me. I'm amazed at how much my kids love this tradition. I've also caught them saying it in the middle of the day. I have also caught them saying it in the middle of the day and at school. Much to my surprise, my four year old daughter knows most of these by heart.
Speaker 1:My goal in this is to saturate their hearts with wisdom. I hope they remember these sayings in our car rides all the days of their lives. Create a culture of honor. One thing that we have done in our house is implement a culture of honor. This means nothing negative is spoken in our house at all times.
Speaker 1:If you don't like dinner, keep quiet. If something annoys you, think of something positive to say. No complaining, no gossiping, nothing disrespectful or hateful is spoken. Only honor. My wife and I believe that if our kids see us being positive and honoring, that will trickle down to them as well.
Speaker 1:Kids are watching and listening to what we do and say and how we say it. More is caught than taught, and we hope that our kids catch our intentionality in creating a culture of honor. Let's make positivity, thankfulness, and encouragement the norm. Let's create children who use their words to build up instead of tear down. Eat dinner together.
Speaker 1:When my parents split up, we stopped having dinner together. As a child, this didn't seem like a big deal. But as I look back on it, it took away the one thing during the day when everyone came together and spent time together. We all get busy, but dinner can be the one time you stop and come together as a family. My friends have told me, my family ate dinner together every single night, no exception.
Speaker 1:What a cool thing to be able to say about a family. At our dinner table, we play a simple game of high low, where we share about the high point of our day and the low point of our day. We also share one thing we're thankful for as this helps keep Thanksgiving a priority in our home. On Friday nights, we have pizza and watch a movie. On Saturday nights, we invite a family over for dinner.
Speaker 1:Obviously, things come up from time to time, and you can't eat together as a whole family, But making dinner a priority can be a healthy tradition for any family. It's a good time to catch up on what everyone is up to, encourage, and celebrate each other. Serve together. I have a friend in Dallas who runs a homeless shelter. One day, we were having coffee, and I asked him, how did you get so passionate about serving the homeless?
Speaker 1:He answered, I had a great family growing up. I never went without. I guess I first became passionate about serving the homeless as a kid. My dad made my family serve at a shelter a few times a year. At first, hated it, but then the Lord did something in my heart toward the homeless that put me on the path to get where I am today.
Speaker 1:Serving together is a great way to introduce your kids to the importance of serving others, Expose them to people who have different circumstances than you do and help them get their eyes off themselves and to grow in selflessness. A service project a month can be a good thing for a family. Plus, you never know what the Lord will do with your children when you teach them different ways to impact the kingdom. Enter into their world. I have a friend whose teenage son is obsessed with video games.
Speaker 1:It's the only thing in the world that he cares or talks about. This father was having a hard time with this because he didn't have a high view of video games. And This father was having a hard time with this because he didn't have a high view of video games or think they were a smart use of time. One day, this father felt compelled to enter his son's world when the Lord placed on his heart that people feel loved when you love what they love. Instead of telling his son to turn off the video game, he sat down and started playing with him.
Speaker 1:For hours, they sat and played video games together. While it wasn't the most productive use of their time, at least the father was getting time with his son. They continued playing together daily. One day, the son opened up about his life in the middle of the video game. They hit pause and had what my friend would consider to be the most productive conversation they've ever had together, and all because he made an effort to enter his son's world and love what his son loved.
Speaker 1:That communicated more than any words that communicated more than any words could to that young man. What does your son love? What does your kid love, and how can you enter into that with him? Whether it's basketball, art, or dancing, love what your kid loves. Your presence alone will earn you the right to be heard.
Speaker 1:Kids don't care what you know until they know that you care. Leaving your world and entering theirs is a great way to let them know that you care about them and want to be with them. Set healthy boundaries at work. As someone who didn't have much as a child, my desire to give my kids everything they could possibly want is a temptation to me. I want them to go to the finest Christian private school, live in the biggest house, and have everything I didn't have as a child.
Speaker 1:I want them to go to the finest Christian private school, live in the biggest house, and have everything I didn't have as a child. The only problem with that is all those things cost money. And for me, providing those things means working longer and harder to make more money, and that means more time away from my family. I have a lot of friends who come from wealth, and they all tell me, I would have traded in the big house, nice school, and quality summer camps just to spend more time with my dad. Let that sink in for a moment.
Speaker 1:The enemy hates family and will do whatever he can to break the family apart. If he can get you to work long hours for whatever reason so you don't spend time with your wife and kids, he's one. Work hard and provide for your family, but trust that the Lord will take care of your every need. God knows what you need, and he will provide for you. Make every attempt to set healthy boundaries regarding work.
Speaker 1:For me, it is dates with my kids three mornings a week and home by 06:00 each night. And I bring my computer home, and I don't have work apps on my phone. This way, I can be fully present at home. It may seem inconvenient and extreme now, but I promise your children will reap the benefits of your presence. Tell me, which one of these topics above caught your attention the most?
Speaker 1:What do you want your children or future children to say about their dad when they're adults? How can you start becoming that today? How can you avoid the trap of losing your sense of priorities and neglecting the very things that matter the most?