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Enjoy quick summaries of books that will help you lead a better life. These podcasts are AI generated with gentle, kind human guidance! These are part of the Healthspan360 collection, dedicated to enhancing wellness and longevity.
Welcome to the Deep Dive! We sift through the sources so you don't have to, bringing you the core insights in making complex ideas, well fascinating. Today we're diving into a book tackling something many long term couples grapple with. It's called Come Together, the science and art of creating lasting sexual connections.
Speaker 2:And right off the bat, the author shares this, pretty relatable irony. She's deep into the science of sex, writing this book, and admits the stress just tanked her own desire, like zero interest in actually having any sex for months.
Speaker 1:Wow. Yeah. That really hits home, doesn't it? It just shows you can know the theory, but that wave after wave of anti erotic daily life, you know, being tired, overwhelmed, dealing with health stuff, it can really knock the wind out of your sails.
Speaker 2:It absolutely can. And that's why the central metaphor she uses is so helpful, think. She tells you, the listener, look, your sexuality isn't some, broken thing you need to fix.
Speaker 1:Okay. So what is it then?
Speaker 2:It's more like a garden you can cultivate, which I love. It shifts the focus, right? It's not about a quick solution, but this ongoing shared project with your partner tending the garden together over time.
Speaker 1:A shared garden. I like that framing. It feels more collaborative. So let's zoom out a bit to the big picture. The author mentions the research landscape is, well, imperfect.
Speaker 2:Yeah. She's quite upfront about having to sift through, biased, non inclusive papers. So a lot of the insights actually come from talking to real people, treating them as the real experts of their own experience.
Speaker 1:That makes sense. So what's the first big takeaway from those conversations in the science?
Speaker 2:Okay. This is a big one. Stop focusing so much on desire and start centering pleasure.
Speaker 1:Wait. Really? But isn't desire, like, that spontaneous spark, the thing we're always told is essential, like in movies and stuff?
Speaker 2:Exactly. That's the cultural narrative. But this source argues pretty strongly that spontaneous desire, it's actually not linked to great long term sex.
Speaker 1:Oh, okay. So if not spontaneous desire, then what?
Speaker 2:Responsive desire. The kind where maybe you don't feel it initially but you show up. You engage because you care about your partner, about the connection, and you trust that pleasure can build from there. The goal becomes experiencing pleasure, not hitting some arbitrary target for frequency or orgasm or how strong the urge was at the start.
Speaker 1:That definitely changes the pressure, doesn't it? Okay, and you mentioned a framework, the dual control model.
Speaker 2:Right. So think of your brain having two systems for sex. There's the accelerator, the turn on signals. And then there are the brakes, the turn off signals.
Speaker 1:Makes sense. Gas and brakes.
Speaker 2:Exactly. Now here's the crucial part. When people have difficulties, it's usually not because their accelerator isn't working well enough.
Speaker 1:Oh. So it's the brakes?
Speaker 2:Overwhelmingly, yes. Yeah. It's too much stimulation to the brakes. And these brakes can be anything signaling stress or not safe now. Obvious things like relationship conflict, sure, but also subtle stuff.
Speaker 1:Like what?
Speaker 2:Like feeling bad about your body, being completely exhausted, worrying the kids might hear, or even like noticing the sheets feel gritty, anything that pulls you out of the moment.
Speaker 1:Okay. So if you focus on reducing those brakes, taking the foot off the brake pedal.
Speaker 2:Then the accelerator often has a much better chance to do its thing naturally. Which brings us to the third big idea, context. The third thing.
Speaker 1:Context. What does that mean here?
Speaker 2:Pleasure is defined in the book as sensation in the right context. You could have amazing physical sensations, but if the context is your internal state, the environment, the mood is off, it's not actually pleasure.
Speaker 1:Oh, I see. So you have to create the right setting internally and externally.
Speaker 2:Precisely. And it's a co created thing, like planning a party together. You can't just wish it into being. You have to actively set the stage for pleasure to show up.
Speaker 1:Got it. Okay. Let's dig into some of those key insights for tending this garden. Five lessons mentioned. What's the first one about?
Speaker 2:It looks deeper into why people want sex. Often, it's not just about the physical release, you know?
Speaker 1:Right. There's more going on.
Speaker 2:Definitely. People often want sex for connection, pleasure, feeling wanted, and sometimes just a sense of freedom from ordinary life and there's a really interesting point about feeling desirable. Oh yeah. If someone feels this really intense need to feel desirable, the book suggests that might actually be masking a deeper need for validation. It's like trying to soothe those inner parts that feel, well, unlovable or unfuckable.
Speaker 2:Sex becomes a temporary fix for that deeper emotional ache.
Speaker 1:Wow. Okay. So the wanting sex is really wanting confirmation. That's a big shift. What's insight number two?
Speaker 1:Yeah. Something about an emotional floor plan.
Speaker 2:Yeah. It uses Jack Pinksept's work on core emotional systems in the brain. There are seven of them.
Speaker 1:Seven. Okay. Run us through them quickly.
Speaker 2:Sure. You've got the ones that feel good, the pleasure favorable ones. Yeah. Lust, play, seeking, that's like curiosity, exploring, and care. Then the pleasure adverse ones, fear, rage, and panic grief, which is tied to loneliness and separation.
Speaker 1:Okay. So how does this map help with sex?
Speaker 2:The idea is to find pathways that move you away from those negative systems like fear or rage and toward the positive ones ultimately aiming for LUSD.
Speaker 1:And the book mentions a common trap, getting stuck somewhere.
Speaker 2:Yes, being stuck in a role, particularly being stuck in what she calls the kitchen of care.
Speaker 1:The kitchen of care. What's that?
Speaker 2:Think about being in full on parent mode or just general caretaker mode, you know, managing schedules, paying bills, coordinating everything. That's the care system working hard.
Speaker 1:Right, the logistics of life.
Speaker 2:And while care is vital for a relationship, it's hard to jump straight from that mental space focused on responsibility into LUST, which needs more spontaneity and presence. Your brain is literally in a different gear.
Speaker 1:Okay, that makes total sense. Which leads nicely into the third insight about play.
Speaker 2:Yes. This one's presented as a seriously underrated gateway to LUST. Think laughter, silliness, maybe gentle rough housing, just enjoying each other's company like friends do.
Speaker 1:So whitening up basically?
Speaker 2:Pretty much. Play is defined as being consequence free with zero stakes. It's the total opposite of our usually stressful high stakes daily lives. So if you can shift from that care mode into play mode, LUS often isn't far behind.
Speaker 1:I like that. Okay. Insight four moves towards self acceptance, confidence, and joy.
Speaker 2:Yeah. And there's a neat distinction. Confidence is knowing what's true about yourself, your body, your relationship, and joy is loving what's true.
Speaker 1:Loving what's true. Even the imperfect parts.
Speaker 2:Especially those because the book argues that judgment is the real thief of joy. We have to ditch this cultural myth of linear progress in sexuality. You know, thinking you go from broken to normal to somehow perfect.
Speaker 1:Right. That pressure is immense.
Speaker 2:Totally. Instead, the reality is more like a cycle. We move between woundedness and healing, and that's okay. Setbacks aren't failures. They're just part of the cycle.
Speaker 1:That feels like a huge weight off. Yeah. And how does the book define normal sex then?
Speaker 2:It's wonderfully simple and freeing. Normal sex is just erotic contact between people where everyone involved is glad to be there and free to leave whenever they choose with no unwanted consequences.
Speaker 1:No judgment, just mutual presence and freedom. Love it.
Speaker 2:Mhmm.
Speaker 1:Okay. Fifth and final insight. Trust is ARE.
Speaker 2:Right. First, you need admiration for your partner as a foundation. But actual trust. It's less rational, more emotional. It's built on being accessible, responsive, and engaged.
Speaker 2:ARE.
Speaker 1:Accessible, responsive, engaged. To what?
Speaker 2:To your partner's feelings, especially the hard ones, when your partner shares something vulnerable, are you truly present? Or are you distracted, maybe dismissive? That non responsiveness, that emotional distance is what really chips away at trust over time.
Speaker 1:So it's often not one big thing, but lots of small moments of disconnection.
Speaker 2:Exactly. Now thinking like a critical book club, what really stood out to you as a highlight, for me, it was the emphasis on effort.
Speaker 1:Oh, me too. It doesn't sugarcoat it. It acknowledges that sustaining connection takes work. Especially that context switching shifting gears from parent brain or work brain to sexy brain. That takes real effort.
Speaker 2:And validating that effort helps people not just give up when it feels hard because it is hard sometimes.
Speaker 1:Definitely. I also appreciated how they handled adversity. The example of Shane and Hannah Burkaw, the interworld couple. That was powerful.
Speaker 2:Yeah, their approach of not drawing a sharp line between affectionate touch and caregiving touch and how that actually benefits their intimacy because of the communication it requires.
Speaker 1:It really challenges fixed ideas about what intimacy has to look like, doesn't it? It shows how communication, sometimes necessitated by a disability, can actually deepen connection for anyone.
Speaker 2:A great point. Now on the critique side, the author herself points out inclusivity issue with the research.
Speaker 1:Right. She's honest that many studies on women's sexuality really just mean white cisgender women and some research is even called grotesquely problematic.
Speaker 2:Which is important to keep in mind. It means you, the listener, still need to think critically about how broadly these findings apply. The science needs to catch up.
Speaker 1:My main critique or maybe just a caution is around the emotional work involved, like turning rage into a shared project you observe with calm, warm curiosity.
Speaker 2:And then the idea of purging the emo, like physically expressing it without tying it back to your partner or specific thoughts. That's what it's advanced emotional labor.
Speaker 1:Yeah. Sounds vital for clearing the brakes, also really challenging. The book acknowledges it's not intuitive and honestly probably requires therapy for many people to learn effectively.
Speaker 2:Agreed. It's a high bar. Okay. Let's make this practical. What are two things listeners could actually try this week?
Speaker 1:First up, the accelerator brake inventory. But the key is the mindset, calm, warm curiosity, no judgment.
Speaker 2:Right. So just asking yourself when sex is good for me, what specifically is turning my accelerator on and what specific things no matter how small tend to hit my brakes.
Speaker 1:Give us an example of a subtle break someone might uncover.
Speaker 2:It might not be a big fight it could be worrying about who will clean up after or remembering an early meeting tomorrow or even just the temperature being slightly off. Those little background anxieties are powerful breaks, naming them is the first step.
Speaker 1:Good one. Okay. Practice number two for conflict.
Speaker 2:This is the third thing, conversation. Use it when an old issue still feels prickly. You know, the apology happened but the feeling lingers.
Speaker 1:So what do you do?
Speaker 2:You pause. You name the feeling you have now without blaming your partner for the past event. Say something like, okay, that issue is resolved but I'm noticing I still feel some resentment lingering. Can we look at that feeling together as separate thing?
Speaker 1:Ah, so the feeling itself becomes the third thing you both observe, not a weapon or a personal failing.
Speaker 2:Exactly, it takes the charge out of it. Okay, so if folks like these ideas, emotional processing, context, getting past exhaustion, what's our thematic pairing?
Speaker 1:Perfect fit, burnout. The secret to unlocking the stress cycle. Same author, Emily Nagoski with her twin sister, Amelia.
Speaker 2:Yes, because burnout gives you the tools to actually deal with that stress cycle, the exhaustion that slams on the sexual breaks. It directly tackles that anti erotic daily life wave.
Speaker 1:Makes total sense. Alright, time for our Haiku wrap up, bringing together the garden, curiosity, and finding your flow. Here it is. The warm garden glows, curiosity opens the path, true self fully flows.
Speaker 2:Nice. And building on that, the sexual context you create together, it needs that warmth, that light, that laughter.
Speaker 1:And stop comparing your desire to some impossible Hollywood ideal. That just breeds shame.
Speaker 2:Exactly. When you can truly accept yourself, all parts of yourself, that's when your natural erotic energy can actually flow again.
Speaker 1:So the ultimate aim, drawing from the book and thinkers like Audre Lorde, is accessing the erotic. Which isn't just about sex, but about your core life force, your aliveness.
Speaker 2:Yeah, your fundamental vitality and the pathway there. It's connected authenticity. Meaning being truly yourself, quirks and all, within a relationship where you feel safe and seen, where all of you is welcome.
Speaker 1:Okay so here's our final thought to leave you with, instead of obsessing over making sex happen perfectly or on schedule, maybe shift the focus, Try savoring pleasure in all domains of life.
Speaker 2:Like what?
Speaker 1:Like really noticing the good stuff. The taste of your coffee, a moment of quiet, connection with a friend. When you practice savoring those small joys, it highlights pleasure in your memory.
Speaker 2:And that builds hope, gratitude.
Speaker 1:And ultimately makes your whole life feel more vibrant, more memorable, and definitely more worth sharing.