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Conversations With Thomas is a podcast where humor, heart, and a touch of sass collide. Hosted by Thomas Kevin Dolan, each episode explores raw, real topics like self-compassion, healing, and the delightful mess of being human. As the seventh of ten kids, Thomas didn’t always have a voice—now he’s sharing it with you, and trust us, you’ll want to hear this.
Expect vulnerability, laughs, and thought-provoking questions that dive into subjects most people avoid (because, let's face it, some topics just need to be tackled). With a mix of wit and wisdom, Thomas takes you on a journey where you might cry, you might laugh, and you’ll definitely feel a little more connected to yourself and the world.
New episodes drop every 2nd and 4th Monday. Tune in for a dose of honesty, heart, and just the right amount of quirky.
Hello and welcome. This is Thomas. My pronouns are "he" and "him." I'm thrilled that
you've taken the time today to join me for this podcast. This podcast is being
recorded in Honolulu, Hawaii. I acknowledge that the unceded land on which I live,
called Kakaako, is part of the larger territory recognized by Kanakamale or Indigenous
Hawaiians. I'm honored and grateful as is my husband to be guests of the Hawaiian
Kingdom. It is such a privilege to grow older, and as I breathe into each day with
gratitude, I realize there is a lot in my life that I actually cannot control.
For what seems like a myriad of strategies learned from brilliant therapists, and
terrific life coaches, even I at times fall prey to feeling helpless and distraught
while frantically trying to manage and control what is happening.
In my life, relationships have soured. From a place of anger, I strike back when
someone says something hurtful to me. I've screwed up in my business. I scramble to
gain ground when I fall out of integrity as a way to make up for it, as if I
can. I plunge head first, not heart first, into emotionally charged confrontations,
nervously rehearsing and strategizing. Sometimes it all feels pretty shitty.
The more I allow fear to rule the roost, the more frenetically,
my body and mind work, days get overloaded with busyness, of course,
movement feels imperative, which is usually just deflection with me not wanting to
deal with life. So instead of sitting still, I'll use movement, I'll move around,
I'll go and do things as a way to distract myself from how I'm really feeling.
Planning for the sake of planning gets ramped up, worrying, habitual talking,
zero listening, fixing, posturing, texting, tomb scrolling,
binging, consuming, and numbing. These tactics at times can run my life.
In the world of doing, achieving, And looking to the future, we seldom take time to
pause or be still. We may hear whispers that beckon us into stillness,
but they are usually and easily ignored. Chances are you are listening or watching
this podcast with several tabs open on your browser, a task list a mile long,
perhaps a video already paused on social media or thoughts in the back of your mind
of where the hell to get that next sweater that you've been looking for for weeks.
Oh, I've been there and I actually know that you may well have been there or are
sitting there in this particular moment as well. In this podcast, I'm going to chat
about challenging. I'm going to talk, chat about how challenging it is to slow down
when living in our fast forward world. I'll reflect from personal experience that
there is always a price to pay if we don't regularly take time simply to pause, to
cease activity, to treasure quiet time, and to discern the deep meaning of life's
little moments. I like that, discern the deep moments, the deep meaning of life's
little moments. I think I can, I think I can help you understand the profound value
of slowing down in our daily lives. And I think I can help you understand how
important it is to take time for the truly important things. Perhaps like you,
I love planning. I love achieving. I love visioning for the future. In fact,
I was doing exactly that one afternoon In late July 2009, when I heard the call
"Stop," it was impactful. It wasn't loud.
It wasn't scary.
This was really another call to create a pause in my life. This time, it felt like
it needed actually to be sacred. That stop was gentle, and Yet it was really,
really firm. I'll not ever forget it.
I was in the middle of planning the next stages of my career. Mapping out the
opportunities I'd seek and generally beginning to peer into the future for my next
larger goal or intention, for my life and of course certainly for my business. Even
denial couldn't stop me from what I was hearing. Spirit was very clear.
The universe, God was very clear. And it was in the midst of learning the value
and importance of listening to spirits whispers, even without understanding the reasons
why. I then wondered what it would be like if right in the midst of this busyness,
I was to consciously take my hands hands off the steering wheel if I was to take
my hands off the controls. I didn't ever recall hearing the term "sacred pause"
before that moment, as it echoed in my heart the full meaning of the phrase
actually began to take shape. This of course is the extraordinary work of the
extraordinarily bright Terra Braque, who teaches the value of sacred pause.
So what if we were to intentionally stop our mental computations and are rushing
around and for a moment or two simply pause
and notice our experience. What would that be like for us?
And by definition, a pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary
disengagement when we are no longer moving towards any goal or intention.
The pause can occur in the midst of almost any activity,
and It can last for an instant, it can last for hours,
days, weeks, months, or perhaps even a season of our life.
We may take a pause from our ongoing responsibilities by sitting down to meditate.
We may pause in the midst of meditation to let go of thoughts and reawaken or
refocus our attention to the breath. Isn't that interesting. Even in a meditation, we
can take a moment to pause.
We may pause by stepping out of daily life to go on a retreat,
or to spend some time in nature, or in fact take within the realm of academia a
formal sabbatical, or maybe you're able to do that in the work that you do.
We may pause in a conversation,
Letting go of what we're about to say in order to genuinely listen and be with the
other person. We may pause when we feel suddenly moved or delighted or even
saddened, allowing the feelings to play through our heart. In a pause,
we simply you whatever we are doing, thinking, talking,
walking, writing, planning, worrying, eating. And we become wholeheartedly present,
attentive, and often physically still, that we stop our bodies. A pause is,
by nature, time limited.
That pause I heard to stop in July 2009 eventually inspired me to head to the
northern pine -scented mountains of British Columbia into what is known as a
Vaspassana -Vapassana silent retreat, a full 11 days of silence.
I had not heard of noble silence before, But it meant no talking,
actually even no looking at other participants, no eye -to -eye contact, no sexual
activity, no reading, no writing, or any communication for that matter for the entire
time, 11 long days. My ego actually went berserk,
but it was profound and scary. I hadn't really known what I got myself into,
but I'm so glad I made the choice.
That 11 days of noble silence helped to teach me the medicine.
The medicine is in the being. It is removing all the layers of the doing,
releasing the expectation.
It is coming into stillness for stillness sake.
So when I resume my activities kind of post 11 days after the retreat, I was able
to do so with an increased presence in my life. I'd like to think that I had an
ability to have an increased presence in the lives of those people that mattered in
my life. And Ultimately, it created my ability to make choices,
really conscious choices. In the pause, before sinking our teeth into a chocolate
bar, for instance, we might recognize the excited tingle of anticipation and perhaps
a background cloud of guilt and self -judgment. We may then choose to eat the
chocolate, fully savoring the taste sensations or we might decide to skip the
chocolate and instead go for a run. When we pause, we don't know what will happen
next. But by disrupting our habitual behaviors, we open to the possibility of new
and creative ways of responding to our wants and our fears. A sacred pause invites
us to come back to a more what I call evolved state of being. Notice I said come
back. It is a place we've been before. We've simply allowed culture,
right? The voices of our family, of our religion, our faith, our work, our friends,
culture to actually take us away.
It is to stop all gore -gore -oriented activity, which Tara Breck says she coined the
phrase "sacred pause" because she says it creates a space for light to actually move
through. And of course there are times when it is not appropriate to pause,
right? That child that you know is running towards the busy street, not a good time
to pause. if someone is about to strike you, right, we don't just stand there
resting in the moment, rather we quickly find a way to defend ourselves, the
opposite of pause.
Have you been that person in the airport who's about to miss a flight? You're not
going to pause, right? You're going to race towards the gate. But much of our
driven pace and habitual controlling in daily life, it actually doesn't serve
Surviving, and it certainly doesn't serve thriving. It arises from a free floating
anxiety, a free floating anxiety about something being wrong or not enough.
Even when our fear rises in the face of actual failure, or loss, or even death for
that matter, our instinctive tensing and striving are actual. They're mostly
ineffectual. and I'm going to suggest unwise. Taking our hands off the controls as I
mentioned earlier and pausing is an opportunity to clearly see the wants and fears
that actually are driving us. In that particular moment, we're not having the
circumstance, the circumstance is having us. We're reacting, we're not responding.
So during the moments of a pause, We become conscious of how the feeling that
something is missing or wrong keeps us leaning into the future or it can keep us
actually somewhere else.
This gives us a fundamental choice in how we respond. We can continue our futile
attempts at managing our experience or we can meet our own vulnerability with the
wisdom of what I call radical acceptance. Imagine, and a podcaster two ago I talked
about, are you arguing with reality? When we do, we suffer. When we accept reality,
we don't. So in this particular case, you can lean into radical acceptance by
actually giving yourself an opportunity to pause to get a sense of what the heck's
going on for you. What are the, what are the benefits of a sacred pause?
The first might be two that are really important, rest and relaxation. You actually
get to rest. You take some time to slow down, right,
to a turtle's stop instead of that turtle's step. And be still,
right, right, giving your body, your heart, your spirit, your mind a break. It can
have a pause, a sacred pause, can have really positive benefits on stress hormones
such as cortisol. It can actually reduce anxiety levels and really create a sense of
peace for yourself.
A sacred pause,
self -awareness is a bonus of sacred pause. We can gain insights into our thoughts,
into our feelings, into our behaviors. This increased self -awareness can help us to
identify patterns that are not serving us and instead make positive changes in our
lives. A pause, a sacred pause can create pattern disruption, which is really
important. Let's face it, we're creatures of habit. Many of our habits are deeply
ingrained patterns, typically to distract us from what we're feeling inside.
We're addicted to our doing. I often say I'm a far better human doing than I am a
human being. So when we enter into stillness, it's not unusual to experience some
discomfort.
Without the distraction of our phones, for example, we have the opportunity to
disrupt the pattern and actually create something new. And in disrupting the pattern,
I wouldn't encourage you to think ahead in terms of what you're actually gonna
create in some form that is new for you, but instead trust that something new will
come from that for you. Pause can support connecting with your purpose.
When we are constantly busy, especially if we wear busy as a badge of honor or we
insist on glorifying busy, which personally I think it's culturally wacky, it can be
easy to lose sight of actually what really matters to us. This helps us to remember
our values and priorities and realign our actions with our goals or intentions.
Although during the pause the intention is to let go of all the doing in order to
be, this being can result in more line doing when we emerge out the other side.
Let me share that with you again. It was tough to write, so let me say it one
more time, because I think it's quite impactful. Although during the pause, the
intention is to let go of all doing in order to be, this being can result in more
line doing when we emerge out the other side, isn't that cool?
And these two qualities as gifts from a pause are actually my faves, gratitude and
appreciation. When we take the time to pause, we can become more aware of the
beauty and the wonder around us and actually express be grateful, be thankful for
it. This increased awareness can lead to a greater sense of joy and fulfillment in
our lives. So how can we incorporate some semblance of a pause or even a sacred
pause into our lives? I've got some suggestions for you. Whatever form your sacred
pause takes, the most important thing is that you approach it with intentionality and
actually a sense of sacredness. Some tips.
I, and I'm going to encourage you, I set aside specific time in space for my
sacred pause. And this could be done regularly, it could be done daily,
it could be a weekly practice, it might be meditation, it might be a longer
retreat, hell it might even be a vacation. Even an afternoon once per month of
silence and stillness is a powerful way to invoke sacred pause. The second idea is
to create a ritual or ceremony to mark the beginning and end of your sacred pause.
I found this very important as it helped me enter into the sacred nature of the
pause. And this can be as simple as letting candle. I'm notorious for letting
candles, saying a prayer and vacation, pulling an angel card, like my dear friend
Alexander does, as a way to mark the beginning of your pause. A third idea is to,
and this is really important, to give yourself the benefit of disconnecting from
technology and other distractions. A sacred pause is more than a social media detox.
That's not what this is. The intention is to remove yourself from all things that
distract you from your state of being. This is not the time to catch up or binge
watch your fav series on Netflix or Hulu or whatever it is that you're streaming.
That's not what this is about. The fourth is this notion of engaging in practices
that promote self -awareness and reflection. I mentioned meditation. Perhaps it's
prayer, a journaling. It could even be therapy or coaching, go for walks,
connect with nature, do things deliberately and slowly with intention to be fully
present and
with that invocation of slow and deliberate and intention.
Notice what arises in you during this time as you actually come to slow down and
come into presence, observe with openness and curiosity. There will be so much there
for you to hold and for you to sit in, inviting you to consider using your sacred
pause as an opportunity to reconnect with your values and your purpose. Ask yourself
what really matters to you And how can you align your actions with that intention,
with that goal? A sixth idea is this. Prepare for your sacred pause by letting
people know you actually are not going to be available. Especially if it's for an
extended period of time. This is actually a great opportunity to breathe a little
bit more life into boundary setting for you. Set boundary with friends and family
and what communication you're open to during this time. For example, it'll only be
emergencies or that you'll check your phone once a day or that certain people have
access to you. Taking this step isn't just for the sake of others. It's for you to
let go of obligation and not be distracted by the possibility that there is someone
out there expecting to hear back from you. The seventh, this idea of Being realistic
of what's possible for you Not to set yourself up for disappointment You can build
a sacred pause into your life based on your circumstances. I understand the level of
Completely closing off from the world and hiding in a cave for a couple of weeks
may not be possible for many folks And there might not be many of you that would
actually want to spend some time, secretly pausing in a cave, a sacred paus may
even just be a day on your own in nature, or if you have children in your life,
maybe there's a special room you go into. And those kids know that when you're in
that room, it's your quiet time, especially when the door is closed.
I remember day one of my Vipassana retreat. It felt like an eternity.
And of course, during that day, which began at 4 .30 in the morning and finished at
10 .30 at night, we had two meal breaks. We were then allowed to walk around during
these meal breaks after. We were allowed to walk around a designated area.
It reminded me of kind of how it is that I'd roped off certain parts of my mind.
So in this particular case, the organizers set up these little ropes actually that
you could walk. You were boundarying on this property, which was really kind of
amazing. So it was an area you could actually meander through. So I invented a game
that allowed me one full circle around a grove of trees per successful day of
meditation, I was constantly bargaining with my ego. The definition of success for me
was that I actually didn't leave the retreat site. So in that 11 days of silence,
this sacred pause taught me a myriad of lessons, taught me a myriad of lessons.
The most significant lesson, which dawned on me at 4 a .m. to the sound of a
Tibetan chime awakening me was that I didn't need to know anything about how that
day was going to unfold.
My work was to notice my breath, to be present, to acknowledge a thought,
to let it go, to come back to breathing. These were some of the sacred components
of my sacred pause.
What I braved as I made my eleventh circle on the eleventh day in that grove of
trees was an awakening to having spent my entire life circling around the story that
my ego created. And without a commitment to this sacred pause,
it was a train I would have missed. I would have continued that to this day.
I would have been doing the same thing. Waking up in the morning thinking I need
to figure it all out. This morning I woke up, right? And I said to this universe,
this energy of the divine, I said to God, thank you for the gift of this day. And
I'm going to trust whatever movement that I'm going to invoke into it will actually
be for a higher purpose. And I don't know what it is.
So through this sacred act, I'm going to call it a sacred art of pausing.
There's the ability, we have the ability to develop the capacity to stop hiding, to
stop running away from our experience, to stop allowing our ego is fueled by fear.
It's the only place that ego can spring from. We have two it's foundationally that
we can come from in our experience, in our humanity. Fear is one of them, usually
from our ego. Love is the other. And usually that's our intuitive self, the divine
part of us that knows our truth. Right, so we can, we can allow ego to run our
life with fear, or we can allow our lives to move forward, unfold with love.
So We begin to trust our natural intelligence or intuition in our naturally wise
heart, in our capacity to open whatever arises.
It's the benefit of sacred pause to be able to trust our intuition, to trust our
naturally, our naturally wise heart, and allow them to open to of life brings to
us. As the, as the roaring 1920s came to a close and the shadow of the Great
Depression loomed, a young advertising team at Coca -Cola found themselves under the
fluorescent lights of a bustling office. I think it was, I think it was 19,
1929, obviously America and Canada was impacted too, was in the brink of the most
significant economic downturn in history amid this impending doom and ideas sprang to
life actually almost ironically by these marketing wizards.
It was a slogan that would make history and perhaps you can remember it if you've
leaned in a some similar amounts of decades that I've leaned into a phrase that
carried the promise of respite, even in adversity. And it was this, the pause that
refreshes, the pause that refreshes campaign transformed Coca -Cola from a simple
beverage into a simple of a, into a symbol of emotional relief for these hard
times.
And of course it was depression, right? Their branding team positioned Coca -Cola as
a hero and daily life, the pause that refreshes, right? It created this opportunity,
right? They did this by focusing on rest and respite, optimism during difficult
times, simple movements of refreshment, and ultimately, personal resilience.
The slogan resonated so deeply that it made Coca -Cola a cultural symbol of that
era. It also created a lasting association between the brand and moments of pause
and relief. Imagine a resurgence in your life that beckoned you to pause as a means
to create some semblance of relief for yourself. And I'm not suggesting that you
grab a Coke, right? It's not a beverage that I consume. I just am a little bit
afraid of it to be honest with you. But I am encouraging you to consider creating
a moment, a ritual, a new habit that could become your homage to being in your
life. Right, remember, we have choice, human doing, human being.
Which of the two would you wanna breathe more life into? And if sacred pause could
become a tool for you to be able to do that,
imagine, Imagine the ritual, the new habit that could come out of that commitment
for you. I think it's really exciting and I want to encourage you to consider
creating sacred pause and thank you for perhaps pausing to listen to this podcast.
I really appreciate you spending your precious time with me.
It's always helpful to have you rate review and share my podcast with family and
friends, along with subscribing to Conversations with Thomas, wherever you get your
podcasts. I'm a huge proponent of taking charge of your mental health, and that
means seeking advice from professional therapists, counselors, psychologists, physicians,
other qualified professionals. And of course, this podcast, these conversations are
meant to help you find a place of inquiry. But if you're experiencing ongoing mental
health challenges, please, please seek some support from a licensed professional. I've
not intended anything that I share as a replacement for those professionals and the
advice that they're giving you. That's not my intention. Most of what I share as
subject matter on this podcast It's usually sourced from some insights, some things
that kind of bump into me, other insights from family or dear friends, or even as
I continue to walk along this path in life, particularly this one, Pause,
this 20th podcast for me in 2024 really came through me. And I thought,
wouldn't it be cool to talk about the notion of taking a pause in our life?
"Conversations with Thomas" is executive produced by me, Thomas Kevitolar. It is also
executive produced by my purveyor of all things techie, N. Creative, my amazing
husband, Adam Moore. And I'd love to hear from you. Please email me at
conversationswt @gmail .com, conversations that W is with,
that T is Thomas at gmail .com. I'd love to read your feedback on my episodes, hear
your suggestions for future conversations with Thomas, and if you're comfortable
sharing the impact of these episodes, I'd be honored to hold that space with you. I
absolutely would. Again, thank you.