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Kevin tries to create some structure. Harley dodges hypotheticals. Plus: A Bad Hair Day!
See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.
For 25 years, Kevin Smith has tried to make his beardless, dickless twin of a daughter Harley laugh in real life. Now he does it every week on a podcast.
00:00:25
Speaker 1: Welcome by to Beardless, stickless Me.
00:00:31
Speaker 2: That's a good representation of the way I hear your voice.
00:00:35
Speaker 1: No, that's that's gonna be my new thing, you know how like Robin Williams Head Good Morn and Vietnam for that movie, We're always going to start the show welcome back to Beardless.
00:00:52
Speaker 2: That's how we wrote the listeners.
00:00:54
Speaker 1: In, you know, fucking like Bart Simpson had, you know, I Corumba. That's what we're getting known for. I'm welcome back to Beard the stickless me. I'm kivin. People don't have hooks anymore, you know hawk To I had. She had a hooker. Whole hook was hawk To. That was the whole fucking thing. We need a fucking gimmick. Hey, you know that girl that I'm always like, hey man, what about fucking I'm your daddy? Yes, she don't. She ain't even on Spotify no more. Really, No, she got a fat fucking deal with uh serious XM, which had to be real fat because like that's jumping from like, you know, a medium where everybody knows you to a place where like they're nearly as many serious XM listeners as there are podcast listeners at this point.
00:01:52
Speaker 2: Is she going to have like a radio show or is it a pot or is it still a podcasting?
00:01:56
Speaker 1: And that's the thing. It's like the podcast was always just a radio show, but it's her doing the same thing there, and I don't know what that is. I've never heard the show, but I know she's rich. I want to be as rich as her.
00:02:10
Speaker 2: That is like the goal.
00:02:12
Speaker 1: This is it. This is the only way we get that riches with. This is our fucking what's that show called? Uh?
00:02:20
Speaker 2: Call her?
00:02:21
Speaker 1: Call her daddy? I think this is our call her daddy moment she's it wasn't Alex.
00:02:26
Speaker 2: I think her Alex Earl.
00:02:28
Speaker 1: I think Alex.
00:02:29
Speaker 2: I think Alex Earl.
00:02:30
Speaker 1: Maybe Cooper.
00:02:32
Speaker 2: Maybe it's Alex.
00:02:33
Speaker 1: Cooper or maybe I'm confusing that with Alice Cooper the way I confused Mary Carpenter last weeks.
00:02:41
Speaker 2: Not specified names because my dad I can't be trusted.
00:02:46
Speaker 1: But wait, what was my point?
00:02:50
Speaker 2: I don't know. All I have in my mind right now is Hawk too.
00:02:54
Speaker 1: I mean this could be our hawk to. No, that girl is gone off Spotify for the taking. You're right, no, but we're also on Spotify.
00:03:09
Speaker 2: Yeah that's true, that's true.
00:03:12
Speaker 1: But let me tell you something. If Spotify was like, let's talk money, then you know.
00:03:20
Speaker 2: We're grateful for where we are right now and we love iHeart Radio. Yeah I'm bitching, but like it's not like they're not going to hear this.
00:03:28
Speaker 1: IM just saying, you know, I'm.
00:03:31
Speaker 2: Just putting it out there.
00:03:34
Speaker 1: Welcome. That's what they're gonna lose out and that's why Spotify is gonna come calm. They're like, look, the first thirty episodes were pedestrian, but once you found that hook so.
00:03:52
Speaker 2: True, things really turned around.
00:03:54
Speaker 1: Well today that's your hawk too. They'll say that's your hawk to a moment, and we had cameras rolling on it, so people will be like, that's you know, how hawk too. It was like you got spit on that thing and everyone's like. Someone will be like, you know, turn the welcome back to like a sex joke, and people will be like, so we could do the welcome back coin. Oh wow, pump and dump a rug pull if you will.
00:04:26
Speaker 2: My god.
00:04:29
Speaker 1: Alleged an event. Before we fucking get the riches of any podcast, we got to address a thing or two. Oh yeah, last week for those that watch the show, who can see the show at that Kevin smith club dot com. You probably couldn't even pay attention to what we were talking about as you saw my hair creep out the front of my cast until I looked like I'd fallen out of a moving car and rolled down a Moholland drive and rolled into like the streets in the valley and then stood up. That's what I fucking looked like. I'm sitting across from somebody who comes dressed to the nines, full fucking make ready to vogue at all times, and she can't have the common decency to be.
00:05:31
Speaker 2: Like that picture I thought it would be. I thought you would be embarrassed.
00:05:36
Speaker 1: Why that was embarrassed by what I looked like. I would have I could have would have been happy to have some help together.
00:05:42
Speaker 2: I thought about it. I did notice, and I did, but I was internally strategy.
00:05:48
Speaker 1: I noticed it was a third person at our podcast table, this fucking like it was.
00:05:57
Speaker 2: It wasn't that bad.
00:05:59
Speaker 1: It was so bad. Like I was downloading the file before I had to upload it to Will, and you know, I just scan through them to make sure it's all there and stuff. As I'm scanning through, I'm watching this hair slowly come out of the fucking you know, front of my I wear my caps backwards, my baseball caps backwards, so the back is the front. Yeah, so the hair is sticking out the front all fucking stupid. And it's a real sticking point with me, Like if you watch me in live performances, like every five minutes, I will fix my hat.
00:06:31
Speaker 2: I know. That's why I thought you were going to.
00:06:33
Speaker 1: Do it, Jennifer. I'm always like, you gotta fucking tell me, like just I don't care where. I just say hair or something, but like if you're seeing it, And she was like, I don't give a shit. I was like I do. I look like an asshole, and so she's like, all right, So now she says it not as often as she should, I feel, but here I was getting into the show. I wasn't thinking about my appearance and shit, but I still have presence of mind to fix my hat throughout the show. I think I did it like five times. Is it happening right now?
00:07:02
Speaker 2: No?
00:07:03
Speaker 1: No, because you were staring at me, like I.
00:07:06
Speaker 2: Feel like I have to watch it.
00:07:08
Speaker 1: I'm looking at this thing and I look so ratchet, and I'm like, she didn't she could have just said a thing, so I texted Harley. I was like, bro, he.
00:07:17
Speaker 2: Sent me a close and I.
00:07:18
Speaker 1: Said to her screenshot and I'm like, you don't want to say anything. She was like I did. I just didn't want to be here. I didn't know what was right in this situation. Is always right to be like, Dad, you look like it asked.
00:07:31
Speaker 2: I was trying to telepathically tell you, but you didn't pick up on it.
00:07:34
Speaker 1: I know it was c was just like, I didn't know if I can say. I was like, we can cut it out, but I wouldn't care, Like I don't care people hear it. I'm not like, oh my god, they'll know that my hair. It already happened. The damage was done.
00:07:50
Speaker 2: I'm sorry now.
00:07:52
Speaker 1: I want that be an ad for those who listened to the show, but like I've never seen it. They're like, you mean, I could watch this fucker aggressively groof goofier throughout the show like a total asshat. That's one of the few bucks so that Kevin Smithville dot com. I'm that's full now. She's really mellow made up. Well, look at her. She thought into her outfit, into her makeup. Time was put into him. On the other hand, look at a hair keeps coming out? What Harry got left? Stick it out? A little hat and all that. What a deck wad. I love this show. I love to hate it.
00:08:29
Speaker 2: That is what happens.
00:08:32
Speaker 1: I I was inspired. First off, do you have anything to add? You got anything? Motherfucker? What that fuck? I see you're wearing a Harley Davidson jacket. It's very rare that Harley wears Harley.
00:08:48
Speaker 2: I I like sporting some Harley Davidson apparel.
00:08:54
Speaker 1: From time to time.
00:08:55
Speaker 2: But then people are like, are you wearing that so that you remember your name?
00:08:58
Speaker 1: Is kind of what I just did, which is what you just Where are you going that You're so dressed up with the hoop earrings and all this ship and make up in the fucking plan? Uh?
00:09:09
Speaker 2: I feel like you're coming at me. I'm going to a screening of my very good friend Olivia's new movie.
00:09:19
Speaker 1: This is Olivia from Cruel Summer.
00:09:22
Speaker 2: Yes, and the new movie is Heart Eyes.
00:09:25
Speaker 1: I saw a trailer for that. Yeah, I can't wait to see you here. You're gonna you're seeing the movie. I'm also going to screening tonight.
00:09:34
Speaker 3: Matter of factor, look at us, ut a, what what what?
00:09:40
Speaker 2: Mine's only mine's only at a little place called Sony.
00:09:48
Speaker 1: The actual lot.
00:09:49
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a little casual spot named Sony.
00:09:53
Speaker 1: Tell them two times. Goldberg's director Kevin Smith's high. That's when I well, I was fucked with the Sony Lot. And that was before I had the heart attack, so I wasn't a vegan yet, and so on the Goldberg set. Their craft service was excellent, and one day they put out this like chicken salad and I was like this, this, this chicken salad tastes like the chicken salad that I could used to get at both the Willow Deli back in New Jersey, which closed me and Brian Johnson after like classes at Brookdale Community College. Just stop out of Willow Deli and get a fucking chicken salad sandwich, I said. And it also tastes like the chicken salad at the ink Well that I would get on it toasted Pita ink Well being my favorite restaurant that ever existed. Now it doesn't exist anymore. I'm so sorry, poor one out for the ink Well. So I loved this chicken salad, so I said it a crafty. I was like, hey, man, okay, get some of as chicken salad like to go home. She said, oh yeah, she gave me a big fucking thing of it. And I was eating so much as chicken salad like. I was like, oh God, does the chicken sala This tastes like a happy childhood. So I was like, Yo, where do I do you make this? To the craft service like? And she was like no, I get it from the service. I was like can I can you put me in touch with the service and she was like, well they yeah, but she's like, they don't make like human portions, they make cruise portions. And I was like that's good. And so I got in touch with this place that made it, and they were like, who what productions this for?
00:11:27
Speaker 2: And I was like production of one Bro, production of Kevin Smith's life.
00:11:33
Speaker 1: And so they would make like a gigantic you know, one of those tins that you see at a fucking wedding smile food full of chicken salad.
00:11:43
Speaker 2: If it's not clear, my dad hyper fixates on certain food.
00:11:47
Speaker 1: When I find something I like it, So I was doing that for a while. I would have to drive over to over near Sony and pick it up from this fucking place.
00:11:57
Speaker 2: You really are so interesting, like that.
00:12:00
Speaker 1: I don't know if that's interesting. Found a food I like.
00:12:04
Speaker 2: Yeah, and that's what you do every time. When you found the Twizzlers, you bought twenty five packets and flew them across the country.
00:12:12
Speaker 1: You did about twenty five pack the Twizzlers chocolate Twizzers at the food town in Atlantic Islands because they don't have chocolate Twiszers.
00:12:19
Speaker 2: Are you scared that well?
00:12:21
Speaker 1: In this in that sort of scary city is something. It keeps me awake at night. I'm like, what if they run out of chocolate twizzers? Should not like I stick with it? I commit.
00:12:34
Speaker 2: You commit hard.
00:12:35
Speaker 1: I do, and it's not like I commit and I love it hard and then I lose interest in it. It becomes part of the matrix.
00:12:41
Speaker 2: Remember when my friend Chris would make you sloppy Joe's yah vegan sloppy Joe.
00:12:46
Speaker 1: Yeah, and you said it the other day and I was like, why did that fucking stop?
00:12:50
Speaker 2: He's making his own movie now, so he's.
00:12:53
Speaker 1: Making a motion picture.
00:12:54
Speaker 2: Yeah he is.
00:12:55
Speaker 1: I'll swap him advice for a fucking vegan sloppy joke. Maybe do you want tips from a guy you know? I've been around the movie business maybe don't know man or not, but I did make clerks back in nineteen eighty fourth seminole par American independent colmerks very iconic. Oh my god, but yeah, I'll fucking I'll talk directing to.
00:13:13
Speaker 2: Get some fucking to get some Joe's.
00:13:15
Speaker 1: Yeah, I mean I could pay for it too, but either way, either way. But when you mentioned him the other day, like that get way he used to make, you began sloppy jokes and I was like, that's right. I used to have something and sloppy Joe. That's what happens is I love the thing to death and then something else pops up and I get like fixated on that. But it's not like I stopped liking the thing.
00:13:36
Speaker 2: You just move on to a new hyper.
00:13:38
Speaker 1: Give me some vegan sloppy Joe from your boy what's his name?
00:13:41
Speaker 3: Chris?
00:13:42
Speaker 1: Chris, Chris making.
00:13:44
Speaker 2: A movie, Chris?
00:13:45
Speaker 1: Is it about beingon Sloppy Joe's.
00:13:48
Speaker 2: That's the story of Ironically.
00:13:51
Speaker 1: It's about the time that he made Vegan Sloppy Joe's for a low grade celebrity in the Hollywood Hills. I was like, wait, that sounds wait.
00:14:01
Speaker 2: For a level celebrity.
00:14:03
Speaker 1: I believe he has Joshad playing you what I want to You're not alone. He wants a real actor, somebody who feels the method. He wants this chicken salad. I don't know if you remember, but I took it with us many places, like I took it to Sundance and I remember they stopped me at the TSA. They're like, you, you can't bring this much food through. I was like, it's just chicken salad. They're like, well, how do we know that? And I was like, you can root around it.
00:14:42
Speaker 2: How much was there?
00:14:43
Speaker 1: It was a big fucking enough to take the sun dance.
00:14:47
Speaker 2: Like a like a blatter like what.
00:14:50
Speaker 1: But packed into like big tupperware tubs. I should put it under the plate, but I brought it on carrying wed. I love that chicken salad was so good. Then I had a heart attack, went vegan.
00:15:07
Speaker 2: And here we are and the chicken. Yeah, no more chicken.
00:15:10
Speaker 1: And it was the chicken salad I mean because it was straight up real mayonnaise too. And I wasn't a big mayonnaise guy, but I liked like fat free mayonnaise. But at one point I brought him fat free manaise. Can you make it with this.
00:15:20
Speaker 2: Oh my god, this guy talks about this, talks about the tails of the one singular person who came and ordered production size case.
00:15:31
Speaker 1: Motherfucker you know him? This he fucking he would eat is just him all the chicken salad. He's that guy. Was his name Kevin James?
00:15:42
Speaker 2: Like, what's his name? Josh Gad?
00:15:45
Speaker 1: Yes, Josh Gadding, pretty pretty good pull.
00:15:50
Speaker 2: Remember when we saw him in Book of Mormon, him and Andrew Reynolds.
00:15:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, before the fucking before they were super fam before he was a fucking snowman.
00:16:03
Speaker 2: Absolutely, you want to build a snowman.
00:16:05
Speaker 1: I still haven't seen it? What still never saw I'll watch it with you, yes, one day when you're like, I'm you've seen it. I can't believe I haven't seen this picture. Man, they've had two of them, but a couple of Frozen.
00:16:20
Speaker 2: I feel like you've probably missed the past few Disney movies.
00:16:23
Speaker 1: Well, honestly, once you grew up like that suddenly, And it's weird because I loved animated movies before you. But like you know, once you stop going animated movies as much like it's not like you stop going, but once you stop being a kid. She stopped going. I guess when she stopped gone. She don't fuck with cartoons at all.
00:16:40
Speaker 2: I love cartoons.
00:16:41
Speaker 1: I mean she does love the Simpsons. Still. The other night we put on the Simpsons. She watched hours of it, but a classic, but generally she's not like into animated films. She's not like, I'm against this, but that's not her poisonous ship.
00:16:56
Speaker 2: I have three words for you inside two.
00:17:01
Speaker 1: Yeah, she won't. She she'll never watch that again.
00:17:05
Speaker 2: Because it was it wasting emotional.
00:17:08
Speaker 1: She was like, oh god, what did we watch recently? Where she was also like knee caps fucking emotional. She got oddly emotional kneecap. She gets weirdly emotional things where I'm like that that's your.
00:17:20
Speaker 2: That's a powerful story.
00:17:22
Speaker 1: Like I'm not saying it's not a powerful story, but this is. This is why she was crying. She was just like, language is so important. What that's would fucking melt your cold art? And there was something else too the other day where I'm.
00:17:38
Speaker 2: Like, that's melts your cold heart?
00:17:42
Speaker 1: Is that what you said? Yeah, that's what you want to let it go.
00:17:48
Speaker 2: She's a snow queen.
00:17:50
Speaker 1: The uh and that chicken salad bro.
00:17:54
Speaker 2: This is not very vegan of you.
00:17:56
Speaker 1: It's like one hundred and twenty dollars for like a tub of it.
00:17:59
Speaker 2: Oh my yeah, Oh my god, you're so weird, such a weird guy.
00:18:06
Speaker 1: The here, the what are we talking about in the first place? Though? Oh? How's my hair?
00:18:16
Speaker 2: I just want to check in. It's good.
00:18:18
Speaker 1: Part of the reason I'm wearing this hat is because it doesn't move as much as the great.
00:18:21
Speaker 2: Oh is that why you're wearing this hat?
00:18:24
Speaker 1: I can't care on you.
00:18:26
Speaker 2: Well, maybe just do it just in case. Maybe just do it just in case. Now I'm paranoid.
00:18:30
Speaker 1: Now you're talking to the dogs like behind my back, going like I let him look like an.
00:18:34
Speaker 2: Asshole to mom after I'm like, he's here.
00:18:40
Speaker 1: Okay, I have a list of things. Last episode we were trying we were talking about departments I've structured. I was shown to some apartments. Oh no, excuse me, yes, and you you're gonna live with it. You're gonna accept it. We'll see. It's just to give the show a skill.
00:19:15
Speaker 2: I agree there should be departments. I just I fear what your departments are.
00:19:20
Speaker 1: Apparently people don't fucking just talk to each other anymore. Now everything is like I don't know what people fucking do, but like this shit like two people just fucking bullshitting' that need apparently than anything.
00:19:33
Speaker 2: Well, here we are.
00:19:36
Speaker 1: This is I fucking look, I've been doing this shit since two thousand and seven. This is my thing.
00:19:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, it is.
00:19:44
Speaker 1: Granted I don't make any money off it. Yourgan and and call Her Daddy and all of these other multi billion dollar podcasts by this point, by the time they hear this, we will have done love it or leave it.
00:20:01
Speaker 2: It's so true.
00:20:01
Speaker 1: Should be fair for those listening since I'm going away and I'm on currently while you're listening to this The Jane Silent Bob Oral Sex Tour a U R A L s CTS. I've had to spell that so many times in radio interviews. That's so one TV interview wouldn't let me even say it. They're like, we can't name the tour. I was like, but your TV you can literally put the words on screen. They're like, we'll still get complained. WHOA. So we're on the Oral Sex Tour. So in advance of that, me and Harley had to record so that we didn't miss a week. So we're in the past. You're listening to this in the future. We don't even know what happened between now.
00:20:40
Speaker 2: We don't even know.
00:20:41
Speaker 1: I could be dead.
00:20:43
Speaker 2: Dead, it could be dead. Do not say that. Oh my god, I fucking hate that. Don't say that.
00:20:49
Speaker 1: It would be the highest listened to episode. He predicted his own demise.
00:20:53
Speaker 2: I hate I hate it. Just take it back? Can you take it back?
00:20:56
Speaker 1: In the odd department called when will I die?
00:20:58
Speaker 2: Can you say take about I take.
00:20:59
Speaker 1: That, can take it back. I don't want to die. Nobody wants to die less than me. Don't knock your head. What is that? What? Religion and faith? Is that?
00:21:09
Speaker 2: CD?
00:21:09
Speaker 1: So here's some departments.
00:21:15
Speaker 2: Okay, I'm ready. I thought we already decided on the three departments.
00:21:19
Speaker 1: I've added more. Three.
00:21:21
Speaker 2: What do you got?
00:21:23
Speaker 1: I got vegan, amaur and passion ration. What's the third one?
00:21:26
Speaker 2: What music we're listening to?
00:21:27
Speaker 1: Oh? Do you have a name for that? No? Do you?
00:21:30
Speaker 2: Yes?
00:21:31
Speaker 1: Well I named the other ones. I just needed a name for that one I forgot all right, so let's call it.
00:21:39
Speaker 2: Oh my gosh, bars, Oh so true. See why would I even take the time to try to come up with something like I have a new band name, but I don't want to say it just in case it's is.
00:21:52
Speaker 1: There a pen here right on your phone so I can see it? Okay, But we considered somebody should name their band bars. Where do you play in bars? The name is I'm not gonna say it out loud. Yeah, did you look that up?
00:22:08
Speaker 2: Yeah?
00:22:09
Speaker 1: And no, are you serious?
00:22:11
Speaker 2: Yeah? So our old name was Wench, which I loved somebody, yes, but out of respect, I mean, there's always going to be like many bands named a name. But there's like this young group of girls in like London, I think, or somewhere and they are Wench. Yeah, and they are Wench, and I'm not gonna I'm not gonna fucking.
00:22:34
Speaker 1: I respect that. We did a thing called Jane Silent Bob's Cartoon Lagoon, and then there was a YouTube show that had like it's not like it was incredibly well known, but they had some views called Cartoon Lagoon, and I saw that person get kind of upset. So I changed the name to Jay and Silent Bob's Substandard Cartoons because we were the old thing was up. We had a fake, shacky puppet. So I respect that. I respect if you didn't go like, well, fuck damn they're British wench. We're American America first. America Wench. Oh god, no, Wench is also pretty good.
00:23:17
Speaker 2: American wench is not bad. All right, Well, you want to see what the cover maybe is.
00:23:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, let me see if it matches. The title American wench. American Wench means alphabetically your way up there right after.
00:23:31
Speaker 2: Abba, and we're basically the same.
00:23:39
Speaker 1: Kind of All right, now, let me remove that name and put American wench.
00:23:43
Speaker 2: I mean American wench, American winch. I just really fit.
00:23:47
Speaker 1: Look it up real quick. Make sure nobody's nobody's done American wench.
00:23:51
Speaker 2: And if anybody takes it after listening to this, they.
00:23:53
Speaker 1: Won't hear the show unless we want them to. We're not live the same caller daddy.
00:23:58
Speaker 2: Motherfucker, American wench.
00:24:02
Speaker 1: American wand stay away from me, I'm not.
00:24:10
Speaker 2: When you look up wench band, Yeah, the the other band does come up?
00:24:16
Speaker 1: Is there an American wench band?
00:24:17
Speaker 2: I'm not seeing American wench.
00:24:19
Speaker 1: Welcome to your new name. That because that photo, that photo, that image.
00:24:25
Speaker 2: The EP cover, that's that is so American. Maybe that that could be what it is called. Though the EP the.
00:24:33
Speaker 1: Name of the EP, the EP, and so name it the name you've got, but then just call it American lunch. Yeah, because all your songs are about like some bitchy American wench. Right, yeah, like I'm upset, I'm upset.
00:24:52
Speaker 2: Sounds like that's bad.
00:24:56
Speaker 1: Fucking said.
00:24:58
Speaker 2: That is about all of us.
00:24:59
Speaker 1: All I know.
00:25:00
Speaker 2: I've heard them anyways. All right, so what are your categories?
00:25:08
Speaker 1: Here? They go?
00:25:08
Speaker 2: Ready, I'm ready.
00:25:10
Speaker 1: So we start the show with some opening chatter, which we've just been doing. Then the first Department. I mean, we'll come up with the name for the opening chatter as well. Right now, it's just opening chatter, first Apartment, Harleywood.
00:25:25
Speaker 2: Oh, and what is this?
00:25:28
Speaker 1: It's I guess you.
00:25:29
Speaker 2: Me talking about the demise of my career.
00:25:33
Speaker 1: Well, I love about that, but I was just gonna say, what you're up to? You're in Hollywood? But ship that went dark fast?
00:25:44
Speaker 2: People like that talk about that.
00:25:49
Speaker 1: No, it's more like a hard what are you doing? Like you're going to see hard eyes? Yes, do me a favor. When you get there. There's gonna be some Sony Exact or somebody there from the movie. Right. She's in the movie. She is, She's the female lead that means like, there's definitely gonna be somebody of import there in the audience because it's at Sony and Sony's releasing it. Correct, if you need a marketing exec tell them that I'm prepared to put a quote on the poster for them. And the quote is this follows, I have a heart on for heart eyes.
00:26:30
Speaker 2: Oh, Kevin Smith, you know what, I'm sure they're going to take you up on that saying.
00:26:38
Speaker 1: I'm saying it's fire man, So throw it out there.
00:26:41
Speaker 2: It is Valentine's Day off two Wow.
00:26:45
Speaker 1: Yeah, wow, I've been holding on to that.
00:26:50
Speaker 2: You know what, I'm sure someone out there.
00:26:54
Speaker 1: I mean by delivering messages for your father to Sony executive who were like, who my dad? Kevin Smith? He was here twice. He directed Goldberg's episodes.
00:27:05
Speaker 2: He's the guy that I'm sure everybody knows about that ordered large amounts of chicken just for himself.
00:27:11
Speaker 1: The chickens sound fucking.
00:27:14
Speaker 3: Died.
00:27:16
Speaker 2: He actually lived almost did.
00:27:21
Speaker 1: Actually that's your fucking father, poor kid chicken salid guy. All right, So like that you're going tonight, You're going to see a thing hard eyes.
00:27:38
Speaker 2: Yeah, I knew you'd remember.
00:27:39
Speaker 1: Thank you. Then what what are you doing in life? Yeah? Like, what are you doing tomorrow?
00:27:46
Speaker 2: Tomorrow we'll be back here recording more. We will be recording.
00:27:51
Speaker 1: Then what are you doing? And then so while they're listening to this show, it will have already happened in your world, but it hasn't happened yet. So that's your Harleywood for this week. What are you doing this week? Or what did you? What do you it happened? What did you do last weekend?
00:28:12
Speaker 2: Oh?
00:28:16
Speaker 3: Spooky this week?
00:28:30
Speaker 1: I haven't done it? But yes, what do you what? What did you do last weekend? Hard? Well?
00:28:39
Speaker 2: I went to something in the wave fest in Boston.
00:28:43
Speaker 1: It's called something in the Way fast like something in the Way.
00:28:49
Speaker 2: That's something in the Way.
00:28:54
Speaker 1: Oh that song that they song used in the Batman movie.
00:28:57
Speaker 2: Yeah, that's the name of that.
00:29:00
Speaker 1: Yeah so wait there are two something So that's rather ballsy to fucking include the lyrics something in the Way. When didn't the Beatles do that Something in the Way? Gamu and mean, I know.
00:29:20
Speaker 2: Yeah is that called something in the Way?
00:29:25
Speaker 1: Lose it now you know?
00:29:32
Speaker 4: Bam? Like you just looked up you're asking me, Well, no, I don't know, don't know.
00:29:48
Speaker 1: Boom boom, boom boom boom.
00:29:51
Speaker 2: It's something in the Way, right, it's called something.
00:29:54
Speaker 1: It's just called something. And the Nirvana song is called something in the Way or is it called something else? You're called heart Shaped Box? What is that song? It's something in the Way.
00:30:07
Speaker 2: Something in the way, Yes, something.
00:30:12
Speaker 1: That because they use it? Man, don't that is? That's a song that has like something wet fish, the fish doing good?
00:30:23
Speaker 2: Fee?
00:30:24
Speaker 1: Isn't it? How does it go?
00:30:32
Speaker 2: I like your what is that one?
00:30:37
Speaker 1: Wait?
00:30:37
Speaker 2: Sing a little more?
00:30:40
Speaker 1: We fish goose fish doing good? Something in the way we eat wait?
00:30:52
Speaker 2: Oh oh, yeah, that isn't this song?
00:30:56
Speaker 1: What is it?
00:30:58
Speaker 2: H It's okay to eat fish?
00:31:01
Speaker 1: It's so cut fish fish don't got no fee?
00:31:08
Speaker 2: Isn't that The lyrics so close Basically, it's okay to eat fish because they don't have any feelings feelings?
00:31:17
Speaker 1: What a weird lyric to include the song. I only know that lyric because I only heard that lyric. Like, did you ever see Jerry maguire? Yeah, At one point the guy is playing cush. What's his name, Jerry O'Connell, I think plays cush. This is cush football player that they're trying to sign. Keeps signing and Jerry loses him, the whole fucking loses everything. At one point, he's strumming on a guitar and he's like, it's so cute, eat Fish, And I thought it was just like a stereotype of a dumb jock who thinks he's smart singing a song or something like that, and then decades later, while I was fucking watching that Batman trailer, I was like, fish, not feelings. That's a fucking Cushlash song. He's like, I got Cushlash, And then I did a mini deep dive and realized he was singing Nirvana in that movie.
00:32:12
Speaker 2: It took you a few years occupied you know.
00:32:16
Speaker 1: I've been building an empire myself. Never mind Cameron Crew.
00:32:19
Speaker 2: This is the perfect transition.
00:32:22
Speaker 1: Into bars into bars. No, because we were doing you still got to tell him what you did.
00:32:28
Speaker 2: We we we stopped at the way fast.
00:32:30
Speaker 1: Yeah, we can't do this because you didn't do it yet. You're going to something in the way. It didn't happen yet, it's happened in the future. I feel like that's what I say to pull myself out of a fucking like trip. This didn't happen yet. It's happening in the future. This isn't happening yet. It's happening in the future.
00:32:50
Speaker 2: You can find me like that, curled up in the bathroom.
00:32:53
Speaker 1: A lot, as she's been saying for hours. That's happening in the future. That's happened opening in the future. All Right, you're going to the Something in the Way Fast, which has nothing to do with Nirvana or the Beatles.
00:33:08
Speaker 2: Is just named after Nirvana.
00:33:11
Speaker 1: So yes, who is playing at this fest?
00:33:14
Speaker 2: Man? I can pussy cannot wait.
00:33:17
Speaker 1: This wasn't Celsius. That would have totally done a spit.
00:33:19
Speaker 2: Taking and gouge away another band. I love another.
00:33:27
Speaker 1: One more thing?
00:33:28
Speaker 2: Oh, did you see the shirt?
00:33:30
Speaker 1: If you're watching, If you're watching the show, let's do a commercial for the show. Ready, all right, cool, Hey, it's me Harley Quinn Smith, and I've got a new shirt telling you into.
00:33:48
Speaker 2: The Camera's Harley Quinn Smith.
00:33:54
Speaker 1: I have a shoe. Give it. Give it a Kevin Smith.
00:33:59
Speaker 2: Kind of like, okay, kids, we have a shirt.
00:34:03
Speaker 1: Oh man, okay kids.
00:34:06
Speaker 2: This is me Harley Quinn Smith in awe abasher for you says I'm a tick lit mack.
00:34:13
Speaker 1: It looks like this.
00:34:15
Speaker 2: You can't even see it, they will.
00:34:18
Speaker 1: I just stood up, so I'm making I'm shooting ship here, I am fucking multitasking. I feel doing your Adobe show and I'm shooting a commercial for your shirt. This right now, it's your Adobe show. I gave you the floor to sell a shirt and you're like, that's how you told me to stay it just my impression of you. Take two, Okay, the pertinent information is where they can get like where, what's the address you know where you're sending people? No, yeah, bedless stickles me dot com.
00:34:52
Speaker 2: Oh oh yeah, okay, it's like hurting cats. I hate you. All right, hey kids, it is me Arley Quinn Smith, and we are selling shirts at beardless diglasme dot com. Shirts say I'm a dick lit so you can show off your beardless beardless dickleass me pride.
00:35:14
Speaker 1: I'm leaving that in available at beardless diicklasme dot com or at Harley Quinn's Instagram stories, which is Instagram.
00:35:22
Speaker 2: At Harley Quinn Smith.
00:35:28
Speaker 1: All right, Take three, not bad?
00:35:30
Speaker 2: Take three now, I think my impression of you is kind of good.
00:35:35
Speaker 1: Let's see it. I'm a concentrate you know what dropped the mic out of your face a little bit. Yeah there you go. Yeah, yeah, now they can see you got a fucking chin in the mouth.
00:35:45
Speaker 2: Hey kids, is me Givin Smith?
00:35:48
Speaker 1: But make it Harley Quinn and acting.
00:35:54
Speaker 2: Hey kids, is me Arley Quinn Smith? That's it? No, that's it.
00:35:59
Speaker 1: You gotta get them the information again. Yeah, I said take fucking three. Now I take six. You gotta do the whole thing. So, hey, kids, are the Quincemith and I.
00:36:07
Speaker 2: Got a break exhausting being.
00:36:10
Speaker 1: You tell me about it, So you give the give me a good thirty second run of all the information they need. I've already got the angle of me showing off the shirt, so my work here is done.
00:36:23
Speaker 2: Okay.
00:36:24
Speaker 1: And I also did a button if we have to.
00:36:26
Speaker 2: Know you're gonna use this on Instagram.
00:36:29
Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, I'm not.
00:36:32
Speaker 2: Saying it like you.
00:36:33
Speaker 1: I'm not saying all right then do you right into the barrel though. That ain't gonna sell a fucking thing. They're gonna eat you live. Oh my god, the public's gonna eat your life. You're gonna wind up giving them all away for free. They're gonna make you pay them to take the shirt. You gotta come in with the thick cell man like take you. Hey man, aren't you tired of being naked? Well, why don't you wear a T shirt?
00:37:06
Speaker 3: There you go, I like that, There you go.
00:37:10
Speaker 1: Here try this one. Hey man, you got tits you want to keep covered by my T shirt? No, no, it's approach.
00:37:19
Speaker 2: I think I think we got it.
00:37:22
Speaker 1: I don't think we got ship. Go ahead down the barrel.
00:37:27
Speaker 2: Next category.
00:37:28
Speaker 1: I'm trying to sell your shirt. Hello, Holy crap, high I can't hear. You're not you. You're playing a character. Harley, different Harley. This Harley's a boy.
00:37:43
Speaker 2: Me existing as myself is impossible.
00:37:46
Speaker 1: This hardly. You're playing Harley as a boy who runs a T shirt company, and selling this shirt is all the difference between him eating and not eating. He's got to feed his fucking three kids and his wife just left him. There's your backstory. Now, inhabit that character. Bring it to life. Tell the lie, tell the truth.
00:38:04
Speaker 2: And Hi. I'm Harley Quinn Smith from Beardless Dickless Me, and I'm here to tell you that we have new shirts for the first time on Beardless dicklessme dot com. Look at that shirt. Look at it all right, I'm done. I hate I at this. I literally hate those.
00:38:37
Speaker 1: I'm a I'm a woman. I'm a woman entrepreneur. Can you help me build a business?
00:38:45
Speaker 2: How about you try this?
00:38:46
Speaker 1: Go fuck yourself, just try.
00:38:52
Speaker 2: I'll find a way.
00:38:54
Speaker 1: What is uh? Where is the music fest?
00:38:59
Speaker 2: It's Boston?
00:39:01
Speaker 1: So who's going? You and my.
00:39:02
Speaker 2: Best friend Olivia.
00:39:04
Speaker 1: And this is not Olivia from Hard Eyes.
00:39:06
Speaker 2: No that she is also one of my best friends.
00:39:08
Speaker 1: But she's another Olivia, but she is. If they're both in the same room, what do you do?
00:39:16
Speaker 2: It's pretty because.
00:39:16
Speaker 1: Olivia one and Olivia too? Or is it Olivia Holt and Olivia Maybank?
00:39:20
Speaker 2: Probably and Olivia and yeah, probably that probably Olivia and Olivia Holt.
00:39:25
Speaker 1: Because otherwise you're like Olivia and they both turn yes yes.
00:39:29
Speaker 2: Or I call I call Olivia may Bank. We call each other testicle testicle, yeah, beestical testicle?
00:39:40
Speaker 1: Why not chesticle?
00:39:41
Speaker 2: So then we call each other test test test. I call her test all the.
00:39:45
Speaker 1: Time, test test And what should call you?
00:39:50
Speaker 3: She's high test all right?
00:39:56
Speaker 1: So that's Harleywood.
00:39:57
Speaker 2: I hate section.
00:39:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, put up with And that's and that's my life this week. Hooray for Harleywood. Go ahead, that's how you get out of the segment.
00:40:11
Speaker 2: Oh my God, I feel like I'm trapped.
00:40:14
Speaker 1: You got it, And that's my life this week. Hooray for Harleywood.
00:40:18
Speaker 2: And that's my life this week. Hooray for Harley Wood.
00:40:22
Speaker 1: All right, man, Harleywood's done so. And now we move on to our next apartment, the Ours, the Austin Update. What's going on in.
00:40:33
Speaker 2: The world favorite category.
00:40:36
Speaker 1: What's going on in Puff's world?
00:40:37
Speaker 2: Let's see what's going on with Puff before we came. Before I got here, I don't.
00:40:42
Speaker 1: Want to hear anything about Puff coming all right.
00:40:46
Speaker 2: I just can't win here. I just can't win.
00:40:49
Speaker 1: Before you came over here, you and Puff went to lunch with Nan and Pop. Yes, thank god, I'm here to tell your stories for you. I'm the rest.
00:40:57
Speaker 2: I don't even have the space nor time I'm to say the words because you're talking all the time. Where did you go eat after by Tellos?
00:41:06
Speaker 1: Is it vy Tellos or Vitellos?
00:41:09
Speaker 2: I don't know. I don't know.
00:41:11
Speaker 1: Did they ever say when you come in?
00:41:13
Speaker 2: I don't know.
00:41:14
Speaker 1: It would never occur to me say bye Tellos?
00:41:18
Speaker 2: Yeah, all right, either way, that's where I was.
00:41:22
Speaker 1: How was it?
00:41:22
Speaker 2: It was very good at a vegan chicken parmesan.
00:41:25
Speaker 1: You ate with Nan and Pop and uh, Austin in the Austin Update.
00:41:31
Speaker 2: Yes, this is Austin's update. We went to lunch?
00:41:34
Speaker 1: Did he do my grandparents? Funny? Is he working on a commercial?
00:41:38
Speaker 2: He is in three commercials right now?
00:41:41
Speaker 1: What that's the Austin Update. Never mind like we went to lunch with it and Pop. That's Harleywood bullshit. The Austin Update is what's going on in the fucking see to the fucking edgy or sea breakneck world of Austin zazure. Just watch trying to sell off? All right? So what three commercials are you allowed to say?
00:42:11
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's another one coming.
00:42:13
Speaker 1: What there's a for to talk about? Okay, when you say Austin commercial, do you mean the Captain America one?
00:42:21
Speaker 2: Yes, that's one of them.
00:42:22
Speaker 1: Austin is currently in a commercial for Tide that is connected themed to Captain America to or Captain America, not to Captain America.
00:42:34
Speaker 2: What's it called again?
00:42:37
Speaker 1: Used to be fucking first Brave New World. Oh yeah, it was called something else New World or New World Order or something like that. Now it's called Brave New World, Captain America, Brave Captain America versus Red Hulk all right, wuckie, enough pitching. So he's in that, which is a cute commercial where they show like scenes in the movie where it like fucking Red Hulk throws a bus at Captain America and Captain America's wings split the bus and then like that bus rolls into the shot later on, like where Austin and other people are, and Austin's like covered in ship from like some explosion or whatever, and he's like, hi, he's real good in the spot, and the idea is like, what do you do for this? And like, oh, Tiede, you know, if you're gonna live in this world Tide, I'll get your best buddy and shit. And then the bus rolls by the button, very cute spot, and Austin finally making some of that Marvel money.
00:43:39
Speaker 2: He's well hoping.
00:43:40
Speaker 1: They spin his character off into his own fucking Disney Plus series.
00:43:44
Speaker 2: We can only hope tied guy.
00:43:47
Speaker 1: All right, So that's one commercial. What are the other ones?
00:43:50
Speaker 2: Then there's CarMax a CarMax, Yes, he's in a Carmack spot, and then he's in a Charles Schwab spot.
00:43:58
Speaker 1: Schwab spot. M hm. Those exist, right, you can watch those now.
00:44:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, those exist, and then there's another one coming soon, which he's you're not allowed to say, but I may not say.
00:44:10
Speaker 1: High profile is internet only spot or television.
00:44:12
Speaker 2: It is television. That's what money is, television and internet.
00:44:17
Speaker 1: Actually, you have my permission to marry this rich young man with all his commercial well, let's not be crazy. He better put a ring on it. With all that commercial money. Boy, that's how does he feel about commercial work? I mean fucking rocks.
00:44:35
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's so good at he's so good at them.
00:44:38
Speaker 1: He's just he does he does like a real like fucking like.
00:44:41
Speaker 2: Oh yeah, Like he's got a cute little face.
00:44:45
Speaker 1: Boy next door is kind of quality.
00:44:48
Speaker 2: Those dimples everybody wants them to sell their sell their products.
00:44:51
Speaker 1: He does have dimples, like natural dimples. What if they were like, oh my god, with them dimples, you look like a Campbell's kid, because campbell Soup kids they used to have, like that was their fucking corporate mascots, these little kids and ship. They got rid of that ship, right because just like McDonald's got rid of Ronald McDonald. You can't fucking find ron McDonald, man.
00:45:13
Speaker 2: He's gone, you can't.
00:45:14
Speaker 1: That's a good point, Like Grimas, Ron McDonald, Mary mccheese, Hamburglar. All these motherfuckers are gone. You walking Anny McDonald's today, they're like, huh oh no, they're all like Peter after Christ got arrested and shit like that. They're like Jesus, who I've never met the guy. Then you hear cock crow. They're just gone, man McDonald's like, I don't know nothing about No Ronald.
00:45:35
Speaker 2: Ronald McDonald was a scary guy.
00:45:38
Speaker 1: No, he wasn't. He sold this food for years, not you general. I meant good times. You would do this and an m would appear.
00:45:46
Speaker 2: It's so true, but he was. He was kind of scary.
00:45:50
Speaker 1: No way, no way, All those characters, they were like brothers and sisters. Growing up. I spent so much time watching television, and they were there for me between each fucking you know, during each ad, to stop me from getting bored and make me hungry for French fries and a burger.
00:46:04
Speaker 2: My brother Ronald, my sister Grimace.
00:46:09
Speaker 1: My uncle the burger, and my bitch cousin Wenday. Oh my god, my friends are getting drunk. He ind tonight, fucking Wenday, Wendy. That's imagine, all right. So let's go back to the Campbell soup. So they decide to bring the Campbell Soup kids out of moth balls. They're like, hey man, this sucking old campaign. Let's let's do the Campbell Soup kids again. That'd be fun. And they want Austin to be the Campbell Soup kid. M living embodiments of it m hm. So he becomes a living cartoon. But he's gonna make that flow from progressive money and they're gonna be that many commercials. He he will be forever identified as the Campbell Soup kid, even even I mean Austin, howel's Austin like forty two? How old is Austin?
00:47:09
Speaker 2: He's twenty nine?
00:47:10
Speaker 1: Okay, so you know, maybe he's like, I don't want to play a kid forever, but fucking the money's good.
00:47:16
Speaker 2: Oh he's playing a.
00:47:17
Speaker 1: Kid, Yeah, a camp the Campbell Soup kid.
00:47:20
Speaker 2: I'm sorry.
00:47:22
Speaker 1: Which in advertising this is like playing Hamlet. I mean, it's like playing Rosenkrantz in Hamlet. This ain't like playing media. Maybe like playing Tyler Perry's media.
00:47:38
Speaker 2: I can't believe that often.
00:47:42
Speaker 1: He's going to be a Campbell suit kid. Number one, does Austin go for this. Yeah he would no, but I mean you're committed. They make him sign up for like five years in advance, like your can't. You can't you're exclusive, can't do feature work or anything like that. You're just camera suit kit. Now you're gonna make fucking crazy money, crazy good money, not not like insane money. I'm not like this isn't some like Harlely Thetical. That's the new department we're in right now. So he segued from fucking that was a transition right into the Harleytical. Okay, he's got to be the Camel Soup Kid for five years, and he's very the character is very infantilized. He wears a diaper in the ad. Oh god, he's got souper, and his catchphrase is just like yum yum good. But he's got to say it like a baby Campbell soupy yum yum good. So everyone who sees him in public like camel soup yum yum good. Stuff like that.
00:48:42
Speaker 2: But he's not making like wait, he's not playing a kid. He's playing a baby.
00:48:51
Speaker 1: Soup kids were like babies who could walk and talk, you know, kind of like the rug Rats. He's playing the walk and talk. So he's playing yeah a baby, he wears a diaper, he's bare chest and ship. But it's the dimples everyone cares.
00:49:07
Speaker 2: About, of course.
00:49:08
Speaker 1: And he's got like you know usually because it's Campbell soup. He's got like tomato soup on him and ship I hate, and he wears it upside down. Super Bowl so, oh my god. But he's gonna make great money.
00:49:23
Speaker 2: Very much and is it worth his dignity?
00:49:26
Speaker 1: Or he's gonna make five times whatever he made his highest thus far on a commercial.
00:49:34
Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't think he would take you up on this?
00:49:38
Speaker 1: Are you serious? He'd be the Campbell soup kid. It's consistent work.
00:49:41
Speaker 2: I understand it.
00:49:45
Speaker 1: I think six spots a year.
00:49:48
Speaker 2: I think he would be committing, committed to finding let me tell you something right now, something else.
00:49:54
Speaker 1: I would sit him the fuck down. I'd be like, if you want to marry my fucking daughter, you signed that contract paper on. Yeah, you wear that typer you are. Look, that's what we call you behind your back already the Campbell soup baby baby yum yum, a baby fucking yum yum. So get to work. Look, I let this fucking go for a long time. I said, she loves him. Whatever. Fuck, but now it's time to grow up.
00:50:22
Speaker 2: It's time to time to get down.
00:50:24
Speaker 1: To brass tacks man, it's time to fucking get in the soup.
00:50:27
Speaker 2: Literally quite literally, put the bowl on your head.
00:50:32
Speaker 1: Put that fucking ball in your head if you want to marry my daughter.
00:50:36
Speaker 2: M Yeah, it's a good opportunity.
00:50:39
Speaker 1: Amount what he got paid the highest commercial that wouldn't.
00:50:42
Speaker 2: Do it for him five times, I think, so not to wear it.
00:50:46
Speaker 1: Tell me what he made so that I could fucking do the math in my head and we'll write it on your phone. You could just show me.
00:50:51
Speaker 2: I don't know the fucking number, but the number diaper tell you something in being baby yum yums.
00:50:59
Speaker 1: Well, but I mean, you know whatever he got paid the most to do a spot in real life.
00:51:04
Speaker 2: I don't know the exact number.
00:51:05
Speaker 1: No, he keeps that from you.
00:51:07
Speaker 2: Well, it's also different, it's not it's not like at night.
00:51:11
Speaker 1: You're trying to like sleeping a new listen, because he talks to his sleep, and that's how you find out information. Paint twenty grand be in that spot and you're like this, I got the information sleeping.
00:51:27
Speaker 2: You make money, you don't really make that much money when you film it.
00:51:32
Speaker 1: Well, I'm saying they're paying up front and also he's going to make residuals and they're offering five hundred thousand dollars a spot.
00:51:38
Speaker 2: Five hundred thousand dollars a spot. Yeah, so five six spots a year or five?
00:51:45
Speaker 3: Okay?
00:51:46
Speaker 2: So three million dollars a year.
00:51:48
Speaker 1: Yes, bro, he's the flow from Progressive. Let me she's going down.
00:51:54
Speaker 2: Let me talk.
00:51:55
Speaker 1: She's making hawk to of money flow from Progressive. She's doing it.
00:52:01
Speaker 2: Hey, so did talk to him?
00:52:03
Speaker 1: Hey? Hey, no, we don't know that. So this little bug is the little bugs back three. You'll be like, so three million dollars a year to be the Campbell soup kid, I'll ask him, No, this is about you. Do you fuck him? Oh my god, no, not fucking, but do you I mean guess kind of do you fuck him? Are you okay with that? Or If he's like, look, I gotta be the Campbell Sooop kid for that kind of money, and you're like, I want you to pay John pract here, I'd probably would you be ashamed of him as the Campbell soup kid?
00:52:35
Speaker 2: I'd be a little embarrassed.
00:52:37
Speaker 1: Are you serious?
00:52:38
Speaker 2: If my grown ass boyfriend was on TV wearing a diaper with a bowl on his head, with soup on his chest.
00:52:45
Speaker 1: Making millions. That's the part you're leaving out.
00:52:48
Speaker 2: If my twenty nine year old boyfriend was playing an infant onto I.
00:52:54
Speaker 1: Mean, fucking Jim Carrey made a vast fortune doing like making his butt talk. You have a point, yeah, don't be Look, take a page out of your hater's book. Don't be so judgy.
00:53:08
Speaker 2: You're right.
00:53:11
Speaker 1: Let me tell you something right now? What never mind? Like with that kind of money, you can fucking chase your dreams independantly, Like, do whatever you want. That's fuck you money, Campbell's fuck you.
00:53:22
Speaker 2: But you signed this. You signed something saying you can't do anything else.
00:53:26
Speaker 1: Yeah, he can't be in movies and ship like, but you can make independent films your finances.
00:53:32
Speaker 2: Oh well, you didn't say that.
00:53:33
Speaker 1: Well how about you said he's calling down that Campbell's money and he invests in your fucking film? How about that? All right?
00:53:40
Speaker 2: Well fucking great.
00:53:43
Speaker 1: It's hardlythedical. All right, So wait, are you into this or not? Never mind him? Do you there? They come to you and no, like we want you. He's already said yes, I said. After a year's success, They're like, we got to add a girl.
00:53:59
Speaker 2: But I say no, it's a huge it's a huge note for me.
00:54:04
Speaker 1: Three million dollars a year. It's a no, three million dollars a year.
00:54:08
Speaker 2: To wear a diaper and be an infant.
00:54:10
Speaker 1: For six fucking TV spots, Yes.
00:54:13
Speaker 2: Six spots that play so many times a day.
00:54:16
Speaker 1: So much so when people see you they're like, oh, yum, yum, yum or whatever it is. No, no, really, no, let me tell you send him my way.
00:54:25
Speaker 2: I happily fucking will.
00:54:27
Speaker 1: I'm taking that kind of money to be like, yum, I'm good. I'll fucking suck my own tip for that kind of money on TV.
00:54:37
Speaker 2: I'm glad to know him.
00:54:38
Speaker 1: Who fucking like raised you with dignity? Where that come from?
00:54:42
Speaker 2: Not you telling you fucking this guy?
00:54:45
Speaker 1: Truly? God damn it. All right, Well there's your Now we're on to the next apartment, bars, bars, What are you listening to?
00:54:55
Speaker 2: I let me see, let me looka.
00:54:59
Speaker 1: Really it came to life now. Could have used that back on the whole Campbell soup thing.
00:55:03
Speaker 2: I love talking about. Fair enough, Well, of course I've been listening to dough Chi's album.
00:55:09
Speaker 1: How about your playing? Can we get a little taste of your music?
00:55:13
Speaker 2: No?
00:55:14
Speaker 3: Why because it's coming soon?
00:55:16
Speaker 1: Yeah, but just a taste? No, Like, we can't hear the opening bars of a thing. That's how you wet the audience's appetite. Wait, you think fucking like it's out and spoil sales. That's how you get people. Maybe get Look who else is gonna be buying the music first? Except that people listen to the show. So I say, I say, a little taste.
00:55:40
Speaker 2: You know, I can literally be three today?
00:55:44
Speaker 1: Is that right?
00:55:45
Speaker 2: Yes?
00:55:46
Speaker 1: I think, I think, I think? What you it's okay to eat fish fishing up bucket. Oh that's a good taste right there?
00:56:03
Speaker 2: There you go, there it is all right?
00:56:04
Speaker 1: Was that so fucking hard? You know you're acting like I'm like, well, show, little titty, we got to sell the show. I'm like, just playing a few bars of your song and very appropriate because the department was called bars. When can they hear this music? What is going on with the music?
00:56:22
Speaker 2: Our first song is going to come out on Valentine's Day?
00:56:25
Speaker 1: Is that right?
00:56:26
Speaker 2: Yeah?
00:56:26
Speaker 1: So wait this is I gotta look at the calendar to see where we are in time?
00:56:32
Speaker 2: Today is January twenty nine.
00:56:35
Speaker 1: Remember they're listening.
00:56:36
Speaker 2: In the future.
00:56:36
Speaker 1: Oh of course, so Thursday to listening to the show we already just put up, so they would this would be February sixth, So when does it come out?
00:56:44
Speaker 2: February?
00:56:45
Speaker 1: So in a week, in a week, your your record's going to drop? Is it record or album? What do you call it?
00:56:50
Speaker 2: An EP?
00:56:51
Speaker 1: Well?
00:56:51
Speaker 2: No, our first single is going to come out a single? Is a single? Yes? Off of the EP was.
00:56:56
Speaker 1: A song called you know what I'm saying?
00:56:58
Speaker 2: Yet it's called Star Is it you?
00:57:01
Speaker 1: We're finally getting some scoops around here. Star that's the name of the song. Star drops February fourteenth, Kids, Valentine's Day. You're gonna fall in love with this brand new music from the band American Winch. That's the name of the album.
00:57:17
Speaker 2: Maybe after today it maybe you can go.
00:57:20
Speaker 1: Back to your boys and be like, because it isn't like two boys.
00:57:23
Speaker 3: In the band?
00:57:24
Speaker 2: Yeah, like.
00:57:27
Speaker 1: What about us? What about them? Like we're not wenches?
00:57:32
Speaker 2: Is more like Wench doesn't have to be a woman. Right in my eyes, a Winch.
00:57:42
Speaker 1: O your eyes in my definition.
00:57:44
Speaker 2: My eyes the way I was viewing when I knew.
00:57:46
Speaker 1: With the English language kids, butch.
00:57:51
Speaker 2: Meant something else to me, still means and.
00:57:53
Speaker 1: A look fair enough man, a world war. Bitch has come to me in a lot of things other than female dog, and it's used between dudes, go bitch, you know, to each other. I think you're fine to be to make wench, what do they call that? Omni gender versal? No ah? No, what would be wench? Universal? Yeah?
00:58:17
Speaker 2: Universal lunch.
00:58:21
Speaker 1: Well, well, well, keep an American because look, America is still a good brand.
00:58:29
Speaker 2: Picks your hair.
00:58:30
Speaker 1: Really finally, fuck makes me so proud? All right, man, So Harley's uh first single drops in a week. Get ready, everybody shop fast and ship like that like a high holy day. And then uh, vegan mabbatoire van abbatoi. Vegan Abbatoire is where we get vegan recommendations. Here's mine, juicy marbles. Oh you they make a fake little that is to die for. That is the end. Passion Okay, got one passion and ration not one thing that is passion or ration.
00:59:19
Speaker 2: I have a ration. I've been a I don't know if you can tell from the podcast, but I've been feeling all down on myself lately. All right, Yeah, I've been feeling pretty I.
00:59:34
Speaker 1: Listened to the podcast. I didn't pick that up at all.
00:59:36
Speaker 2: All right, Well, maybe not again.
00:59:38
Speaker 1: I tend to listen to the Kevin Smith's side of things. He's very okay. Maybe that's why I couldn't listen last week though, because I couldn't take my eyes of his fucking stupid hair sticking out of his hat.
00:59:50
Speaker 2: You done?
00:59:50
Speaker 1: Yeah?
00:59:51
Speaker 2: All right?
00:59:52
Speaker 1: So what's the point.
00:59:54
Speaker 2: I'd like to to ration being self deprecating?
01:00:00
Speaker 1: Really? Yeah? Well, self deprecating, yeah, I guess that's right. I trade in self deprecating humor. Yeah, but you're not talking about like being You're just being self deplicated.
01:00:13
Speaker 2: Basically. Yeah. I would just like a little less of that. If I can.
01:00:19
Speaker 1: You gotta think positive, then.
01:00:20
Speaker 2: I'd like to strive to strive for that.
01:00:23
Speaker 1: Yeah, I like that. Here. First step to that saying yes to that Campbell Soup gig.
01:00:28
Speaker 2: I think that would put me in a very rough spot.
01:00:31
Speaker 1: Think about it.
01:00:32
Speaker 2: It's my identity.
01:00:33
Speaker 1: You could as an actor be the Campbell Soup baby girl baby, and the two of you are together.
01:00:38
Speaker 2: And you want to do it.
01:00:39
Speaker 1: They cover you in all the trades. They're like the Campbell Soup babies. Are married in real life. How sweet is that?
01:00:45
Speaker 2: What about a fan?
01:00:50
Speaker 1: It becomes so fucking popular that you guys get a variety show, the Campbell Soup Baby's Hour.
01:00:56
Speaker 2: How about you and Austin do it?
01:00:58
Speaker 1: They don't want me, I'm old. They want you. They need a girl and a boy.
01:01:01
Speaker 2: They asked for you.
01:01:02
Speaker 1: They need a girl and a boy. No, this isn't your don't try to hijack my story. They need a girl and a boy, and they want him young. They don't want me.
01:01:08
Speaker 2: I told you my answer. I told you my answer.
01:01:10
Speaker 1: It's no, just saying that happiness is.
01:01:18
Speaker 2: Happiness is three million dollars a year.
01:01:21
Speaker 1: That's happiness.
01:01:22
Speaker 2: Happiness is to make it work because I can't play an infant as a twenty five year old.
01:01:30
Speaker 1: I just think that even in a hypothetical world, it's worrying when you're like no, because I.
01:01:37
Speaker 2: I how the fuck is not even a legitimate ask? What do you mean for me to play? The fucking you are?
01:01:46
Speaker 1: The flow from Progressive for Campbell's.
01:01:49
Speaker 2: So I'm in a diaper on TV?
01:01:52
Speaker 1: Yes, play an adult baby playing, not an adult baby A Campbell soup kid, No classic beloved camp Soup Kids. My grandmother. Oh my god, my great granddaughter grows up to be one of the Campbell soup kids. That's amazing. I never saw that.
01:02:08
Speaker 2: This is why people hate me, because you put me in these fucking hypotheticals and then I sound like an ass because I don't want to fucking do something humiliating for three million dollars.
01:02:20
Speaker 1: It's just weird to me because I will, and.
01:02:21
Speaker 2: Then people hate me. You just start setting me up to get hated on every fucking time, and I'm fucking tired of it. That's my ration.
01:02:30
Speaker 1: I feel like I'm setting up breezy layups and you're like, nah, yeah, my dignity is more important than money, And I'm like, what you are talking to? Silent Bob, still wearing the same app for thirty years. All right, well there's your ration, kids.
01:02:46
Speaker 2: My rasian is these fucking hypothetical hypotheticals that make me look like an asshole.
01:02:52
Speaker 1: Do you know what my passion is? What the hypothetic hype? Asshole? They're not meant to make it look like an asshole. It's t ball. It's me putting the ball on the thing so you can easily hit it. Instead, you take the bat to your.
01:03:12
Speaker 2: Own foot, because your thing.
01:03:15
Speaker 1: Because you don't because you don't understand that it's all made up. Who gives a ship? Just fucking go along.
01:03:21
Speaker 2: With it, all right?
01:03:22
Speaker 1: Sure?
01:03:23
Speaker 2: Whatever fucking and that's all the departments. That's it.
01:03:32
Speaker 1: I can't listen to the end of our show. Do you have a good time? No, that's how we do it. Here a beardless dickless meat kids, that's beardless tickless meter this week.
01:03:45
Speaker 2: I hope you enjoyed.
01:03:47
Speaker 1: I had a great time.
01:03:49
Speaker 2: I just I'm not confident of a person enough to put myself at the butt of every joke, either of mine.
01:03:58
Speaker 1: But for money, that makes a big difference. If it was free, if the Campbells people were coming at you been can you do it? Other counts, you're right, I'm right next to you, go fuck yourselves. But if they're like, here's a fat three million dollars.
01:04:12
Speaker 2: For three million dollars, sure I will be the Campbells wue baby in a diaper. Seriously, if it makes you happy and proud, it.
01:04:20
Speaker 1: Makes me happy and proud. Plus you'll be three million dollars a year richer. That makes me happy and proud too. So you're in. I can have you sign the contract. Yes, okay, problem is it's not vegan soup. Mephisto strikes again.
01:04:37
Speaker 2: I literally have no words.
01:04:40
Speaker 1: There's your vegan abatua for this week, vegan abit that's right, we left began abatue. There's beardless this week. Yeah, we've exited the began app twelve and we've re entered beardless stickless mate, just in time to say goodbye. Do you have a good time, kids? It's even funnier when you watch it at that Kevinsmith club dot com. Man Plus, we get paid.
01:05:01
Speaker 2: So true.
01:05:04
Speaker 1: For beardless stickless, ma'am Kevin Smith. Yourselves, a beardless dickless day, a little dicklets. This has been a podcast production, this podcast podcast, using our mouths on you since two thousand and seven. Hey kids, did you like what you just heard? Well, guess what. We've got tons more, man thousands of hours of podcasts waiting for you at that Kevinsmith club dot com. Go sign up now.