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We believe everyone has the right to love their food and feel proud of how they choose to eat. Join the coaches at Confident Eaters as they share their insights and advice to ditch diet culture and step into your power. They've guided thousands of people out of emotional eating, compulsive overeating, and stressful relationships with food. With science based tools and inspiration, what awaits you? Body confidence, food freedom, and joyful ease with eating.
Georgie: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Confident Eaters Podcast, where you get proven methods to end overeating, emotional eating, and stressing about food. We are heading for harmony between your body, food and feelings, hosted by me, Georgie Fear, and my team at Confident Eaters.
Michelle was looking forward to a long weekend. She had been working overtime for the last three weekends in a row, but this Saturday and Sunday were looking beautifully free on her calendar.
She pictured herself on the couch with her book and endless cups of tea, and it seemed like heaven. She had sent a message to her brother earlier that she wouldn't make his barbecue he was having at his house. He literally had one every weekend all summer, and she enjoyed going to most of them. But it was always a very loud affair, and she wanted a migraine free Sunday. As she pulled into her driveway on Friday afternoon, [00:01:00] the ping of her phone sounded. It was Chuck, her brother. You're coming, right? Can you pick up some ginger ale on the way over for the boys? She sighed. He was always like this. He read her text clearly saying she didn't want to come, and he just dismissed it and assumed she would. Fast forward to Sunday, and Michelle is on her couch all right, but not with her book. She's on the couch with a stomachache and a heart full of regret. Of course she went to Chuck's BBQ. Of course she got the ginger ale he asked for. And of course she also got potato chips, a large pack of gummy worms, and two for one on bags of Hershey's Chocolate Kisses.
The soda went to Chuck's backyard, but everything else stayed in her car, waiting for just her. And now, after having eaten all of it, she cried. The tears rolled down her cheeks as she thought of the weekend she wanted to have, and confusion at why it hadn't happened. What happened to Michelle was [00:02:00] that her people pleasing trait overrode her desire to spend some quiet time alone.
And when that sparked resentment, The old habit of seeking candy was ready to surface. Welcome to this episode of the Confident Eaters podcast. I'm your host, Georgie Fear, here as always with Christina Holland.
Christina: Hey, Georgie, I think this is such an important topic that we're talking about today because we definitely see people pleasing all the time with our clients, even if not all of them identify that they are people pleasers, we can see the trend and we thought it would be helpful to have this episode and first start out with just a few common things that when we hear clients say, We think that might indicate some people pleasing.
Georgie: That little like thought bubble above our heads is like, oops, people pleasing.
Christina: Exactly. So, a few examples of that might include, I couldn't make that for dinner because my family wouldn't like it. Or, I didn't take time for myself because other people really needed [00:03:00] me. Or, I tried eating healthy this weekend, but then my family wanted to get donuts, so everything else went out the window after that. Or my wife gets really jealous when I lose weight, so it's easier just to say the way that I am. Or finally, I was really tired this weekend and I wanted to stay home, but my mom wanted me to go to her house, which is similar to our little story at the beginning with Michelle. And this is not a comprehensive list, but it's a few things that we hear from our clients If you hear yourself saying these kinds of things, then you might be dealing with some people pleasing and it's worth paying attention to.
There are a lot of ways that this can be problematic if we tend to do what others want all the time ahead of our own wants. So here are some signs that people pleasing could be negatively affecting your life. If you start to notice yourself feeling resentful or If you feel yourself headed towards burnout, that might be a sign.
It [00:04:00] can also lead to overeating and emotional eating. Again, like our story with Michelle at the beginning. It can also just lead you to becoming disconnected from your own needs. I think that's a really big one.
Georgie: Yeah, I think we, we see that come up as I'm unhappy and I don't know why, or something's amiss, but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Christina: Right. Especially if it becomes a very normal thing for you. It's like, oh, I've always been not tapped into my own needs. Like this is just my normal.
Georgie: Yeah. Just default discontent. Doesn't everyone have it?
Christina: Yeah. everyone lived like that. Another example might be that it can unfortunately, directly impede your recovery or weight loss efforts because those efforts are an inconvenience to other people. Just like that phrase we said earlier, you know, if you have a partner who gets jealous of you, if you are starting to lose weight, it might get in the way of you wanting to. And another example is you're suffering in your [00:05:00] relationships because you're just afraid to face your fears or say no. And, people pleasing also makes other people happy, but it costs you your own happiness, and it could lead to people just taking advantage of you always being a yes person.
Georgie: I think we see that in the workplace quite a lot,
Christina: Mm hmm.
Georgie: oh, we'll just ask Joan. She always does it. She'll always take on more stuff. And, you know, meanwhile, Joan's, like, back is breaking under all of the, the work she's trying to shoulder.
Christina: Right
Georgie: When you mentioned burnout, I've gotten the bit of a sense for when I'm headed in that direction.
And so I do start saying no to things and I will usually say I'm smelling smoke. And if I burnout, I'm no good to my clients. I'm no good to my teammates, you know, all of these other things. So that's a phrase that I recommend using, like, I'm feeling like I'm approaching burnout. I'm smelling smoke.
Christina: Yeah,
Georgie: That's why I'm saying no here. This is not because I don't care. It's because I can't wreck myself.
Christina: and it's super helpful to know the warning signs so that you don't get to a point where you're burnt [00:06:00] out. You know, so many of my clients are like physically ill because they just can't handle anymore and they're like, oh, I guess I needed to rest.
Georgie: Yeah. Yeah. And, and emotional eating or for people who struggle with binge eating, having a binge can definitely be one of those. Hey, maybe I'm saying yes to other people too much. And this is. Part of my, you know, mind body kicking back like, no, do some stuff for you.
Christina: Mm hmm.
Georgie: So what can we do about this situation? If you feel like you recognize yourself in some of the examples that we gave, first try to notice your feelings when you slip into that people pleasing mode. Exactly. Are you afraid of what happens to you when you cater to other people's wants? For example, an hour or two later, how do you feel after you've done what somebody else wanted?
Even if you didn't want to do it, it's common to have mixed feelings. Part of you is appreciative that you did something very kind. Because you value that, but then [00:07:00] part of you also may be really disappointed that you didn't get what you wanted. the feelings are rarely simple or singular. So, just try and get in touch with the complexity of all the things that you can feel.
One of the most common emotions that arises in this exercise is that people will notice that they have fears or worries that other people won't like them. And that's what's maintaining this behavior. It can be influenced by our ideas about what is a good husband, a good wife, or what a good parent does.
Georgie: People pleasing can also simply have become a habit where we make other people's happy because we genuinely love them and we want them to have what they desire. If you want your husband, for example, to have exactly what he wants to eat and have his favorite on a regular basis, it might mean that you have to make eggplant parmesan sometimes, even though you don't love it.
That's not necessarily people pleasing, but if every night or 9 out of 10 nights you're making something for [00:08:00] dinner with other people's palates in mind, that is people pleasing behavior. Being a considerate, loving person Would mean taking your preferences into account as much as any other person at the table.
Christina: Yeah, and a lot of people listening might notice at this point that it's a long standing habit to go on vacation wherever their wife wants to go, or to eat where their kids want to eat and watch what they want to watch on TV. It's not just at home it also happens in the workplace and with friends, such as feeling obliged to accept every speaking engagement or wedding invite. People pleasing can also take the form of conflict avoidance. I know that's how it shows up in my life lot. Or accommodating people who stand you up when you have plans or anyone speaking to you rudely or acting demanding or bossy. So if you're able to start noticing, I said yes to that because I'm afraid that the other school moms won't [00:09:00] like me if I say no, then you're on the right track. It's that smelling smoke thing with the burnout, but with this people pleasing. So it doesn't mean that saying yes or saying no is the correct or right thing to do, but at least you're aware of your motives for your own behavior. I think a lot of times I want someone to tell me like, well, what is the right answer?
And there is hardly ever a right answer, but getting to know your motives can be a good way to see if you're behaving in alignment with your values and your goals.
Georgie: I planned a birthday party for myself last week, and our theme was puzzles and pizza. And I had that in mind, and I Literally didn't say it for a few days while my friends were trying to figure out what we were doing, because I thought that other people would think it was stupid or not cool enough or not fun enough, but I was like, I just really want a chill evening at home. I don't want to go to a restaurant. I don't want to dress up. I don't want to do anything like that. And then I was like, Georgie, you're editing your birthday [00:10:00] plans to try and figure out what other people want.
Like, just say what you feel like doing, and like, if they don't want to come, they don't have to come. turns out to be a ton of fun. So,
Christina: Yeah, that sounds awesome. I would have loved to come to your birthday party, depending on how many piece puzzles you were doing, of course, because
Georgie: We had teams. We had like two teams of three, and each team was doing their own puzzle, and I don't know how many pieces were in it, but it wasn't like a massive one. We finished it in a few hours.
Christina: yeah, so picking your battles and letting some annoyances slide is part of the give and take in our relationships, but if you never speak up because you don't want to upset anyone, then it's turning into people pleasing.
Georgie: Agreed. It's normal to want other people to like us. You know, we all want to have friends, have social connections, but I think it shouldn't regularly mean that we're giving up essential things like sleep or private time. We shouldn't have to give up doing the things that we love to stay friends with other people.
And I don't think we should have to give [00:11:00] up our health for likeability. So when somebody says that they aren't able to. people are able to eat in the way that they want to eat, or that they're not able to stop drinking, even though they want to stop drinking because it would inconvenience their friends or spouse.
You know, I do think that's, falls into the category of people pleasing and something that we can improve. So with that in mind, we come to the question of, well, what does it cost us to make other people comfortable? And this question is so tempting to brush off and you may feel an inclination to take the easy route.
That easy route sounds like this. Oh, it costs me nothing to be nice. I don't mind making eggplant parm every Wednesday because Jake loves it so much, and I kind of like making that sacrifice for him. It makes me feel loving and like a generous person, which I want to be. So while all of that may be true There's a blind spot if someone can't also admit that there is a small cost associated with making and eating something that isn't your preference for [00:12:00] dinner.
There are small costs here and there. I'd say the single hardest aspect of turning around people pleasing is that it requires bold and brutal honesty. It may only be a small sacrifice to make that eggplant parmesan one meal a week that isn't your favorite can feel quite manageable, but it's important to be able to recognize that there is a bit of sacrifice there, it's not zero. Likewise, it might be a small sacrifice to hold your tongue when a colleague makes a joke in poor taste. And another small cost to get up early to take your son to hockey practice. These small costs can add up to a substantial imbalance if you aren't also making choices based on what you want and like some of the time.
If every exchange with another person involves you giving them a nickel, the amount may be tiny and feel trivial, but if you never put any coins into your own pocket, or you never let anyone else give you a nickel, eventually you end up broke. What you may be [00:13:00] seeing from this description is people pleasing is an imbalance between choices that increase other people's comfort and happiness and those that increase your comfort and happiness.
Christina: I love that analogy because I think it's so easy to minimize your own efforts. Like you said, like. Oh, it's not that big of a deal, I'm so lucky to have all these people in my life, but if I'm constantly giving and giving, then it definitely can add up. So I am the type of person who's like, it's not that big of a deal. I'm like minimizing everything. And really understanding the value and the balance I think can be really helpful.
Georgie: When I was first thinking about this I was thinking it's like a credit card, like those tiny little charges add up.
Christina: But then you look at the balance statement at the end of the month and you're like, Oh yeah,
Georgie: Dug quite a hole there.
Christina: Yes. So now let's talk about how we can change. I think one of the most important aspects of overcoming people pleasing is just knowing what [00:14:00] your preferences are. If you're used to meeting the needs of other people and other people's preferences. We can kind of self forget a little bit, and when we start to get to know ourselves or practice remembering what your preferences are, then practice stating what they are. It might be that you want to eat something, or that you want to cool down the house, or warm it up, or it might be how you want to spend your weekend.
But if you always default to doing what the other people in your life want to do, it can take some practice to state these preferences or even recognize what you want or prefer. Give yourself some grace there if this is new for you.
Georgie: I've definitely experienced, like, I'm not a hundred percent sure what I want. Cause I always just do what other people want. And if you've ever been in a controlling relationship, I think a lot of people can tragically relate to that. Like, wow. I don't even know what I want because I've been walking on eggshells trying to, [00:15:00] prevent blowups for so long.
So it's a nice transition to be faced with that challenge of like, let me figure out what I want to eat for dinner. What a new question.
Christina: There's also a concept called self betrayal. Which includes dishonoring ourselves or not being authentic with who we are and what we want in order to stay in these relationships with other people for fear of, saying no, or stating our preferences. I think that term is really eyeopening because oftentimes we then feel guilty after a people pleasing moment because we're not living authentically as a result and that doesn't really sit well with us. What's even worse is that when you are working on changing your self betrayal or people pleasing habits, you start to state your preferences and then you might feel badly about trying to Speak up or suggest something that you want, which also doesn't feel very good. If there's one thing that makes a recovering people pleaser, say, or cringe, it's this notion of [00:16:00] being less nice to other people. I think there is a motivation to be kind to others in our people pleasing, but Oh, you want me to not be nice to people on purpose? Like what sort of evil are you trying to sell us here, Christina Georgie?
We're definitely not encouraging you to be mean to people. We're just talking about a balanced care for your own desires and for other people's. As natural as it is for us to want to take care of other people, it's also natural to want to take care of yourself. Beyond your survival needs like food and water, it's healthy to honor your desires and the things that increase your comfort or make you smile.
That's just part of having a healthy relationship with yourself. When we love other people, we don't just want their basic survival needs met. We also want them to have things that they love.
Georgie: even if it's eggplant Parmesan.
Christina: Hey, what do you against eggplant and parmesan anyway?
Georgie: I don't know , I just needed an example.
Christina: So if we aren't meeting our [00:17:00] needs and desires, what we sometimes see is that emotional eating can stem from that desire to take care of ourselves by giving ourselves pleasure or comfort in food. And one of the major tenets of the Christian faith is that you are to love your neighbor as yourself.
But for the people pleasers out there, you might be reading that as like, Oh, I have to always put others first, which is not necessarily a bad thing. But if we're thinking about that balance, if you treat yourself like crap, that's not actually how you want to treat other people or treat your neighbor. So I think that helps us to realize that means I should be also treating myself the way I'm treating my neighbor.
Georgie: So since we're talking about a balancing act here, you could correct the imbalance by focusing on the side where you be more generous to yourself. For example, if you want to lay down instead of vacuuming and you give yourself permission, like, yeah, I am just going to let myself take that siesta. That can be a step towards [00:18:00] correcting a people pleasing imbalance. While it's possible, theoretically, to maintain your level of giving and accommodating and just focus on giving more to yourself, that's hard to achieve in reality. That's because most of our decisions do impact other people.
If you want to take that yoga class, you might arrive home 20 or 30 minutes later to make dinner. So your kids might have to wait a bit. If you want to try a new Mexican restaurant, your friend who prefers Thai food is going to make a small sacrifice in not having their absolute favorite this week. If you want to make chicken parmesan instead of the eggplant parmesan, your spouse is making a small concession for you to have your preference on that night.
The cost may have felt very small when it was you conceding on the dinner choice and eating the eggplant, It was so small that you may have even considered saying, Oh, it's nothing yet, it can feel uncomfortably large to sit there and enjoy your favorite entree, [00:19:00] knowing that somebody else is having something that's not their favorite at the same time.
It's okay. We get it. To use my earlier simile. You're noticing that giving nickels to other people feels like nothing, yet them giving you a nickel feels like absolutely immense. Like something that's so big you can't tolerate other people making that sacrifice for you. Obviously there's some distortion going on, based on our perspective.
Like looking through a curved lens. From one side, things look smaller than they actually are. Yet, if you flip it over, it becomes a magnifying glass.
Christina: Yeah. And I think it's realistic to expect that in some ways other people are going to be slightly affected when you make these more balanced choices. Sometimes you go to your brother's barbecue, but other times you're going to say no, and you're going to stay home because you're more in need of that quiet afternoon. Saying no is scary at first. I definitely can relate to this. So bear in mind that other people are not [00:20:00] going to hate you for saying no once in a while. It's important to trust that they can survive not having every wish fulfilled instantly. Adults are capable of handling some disappointment every once in a while, and healthy relationships thrive on all parties being able to say yes or no with free will.
So if there's someone in your life who truly can't take no for an answer, That may not be the healthiest relationship in its current form. You might be able to talk with them about handling disappointment and how you can maintain the relationship in a more fair way to you both. Or, it might not be a good idea to continue the friendship. Which is hard to admit.
Georgie: it is, it is like, it's tough to let relationships go, but it's also really tough to continue to sacrifice ourselves to maintain them. So when we outgrow people pleasing, I was thinking, what do we become? I haven't come up with a phrase that feels perfect, but [00:21:00] so far I like thinking that we become inclusive givers, inclusive, because for a change, it includes us.
So, people pleasing is really other people pleasing, whereas if we think of being an inclusive giver, it's like, more fair. I give to you, I give to other people, I also give time to myself, sometimes I give to charity, sometimes I spend money on things that I enjoy. It's not always about other people, nor is it always about ourselves.
I don't know anyone whose goal is to become completely self centered, so
Christina: Me neither, thankfully.
Georgie: that's not what we're going for. So in summary, as you listen to this podcast, you may have recognized a few things that felt familiar to you. Perhaps you identified yourself in some of the quotes we said at the beginning. Perhaps you can relate to Michelle's story of going to do something you didn't really want to do, but you didn't want to say no to somebody, and then you find yourself eating in some reactionary way, as if you could make up for the prior self betrayal. You may find that it's tricky to recognize [00:22:00] But that you're able to start becoming more aware of when you're engaging in people pleasing and saying things just to make other people like you, just to make them happy. And you may get a feel for where your tolerance level is. If you're just a little above your tolerance, You may only need to make a couple of changes to feel more at ease and more happy, and recognize your relationships are able to withstand you voicing your opinion. If there's a relationship that starts to crumble because you spoke up or you expressed your opinion, it wasn't a really strong friendship or fair friendship to begin with. I hope we've given you some good stuff to consider and try out in your real life.
If there's any food problems that we can help you solve, get in touch with us at confidenteaters. com. Thanks for your time. We'll see you next week. [00:23:00]