Subscribe
Share
Share
Embed
Authentic gay conversations on personal development, life coaching, and mental health. Join Keegan Hirst (founder of The Unapologetic Man and Gay Man's Coaching) a former professional rugby player, for weekly real talk about gay lifestyle, coming out, relationships, business, and authentic living. Deep, honest conversations that help gay men build confidence, find community, and create vibrant, unapologetic lives.
00:00
Hello guys and welcome to this week's Kiki with Keegs, your weekly catch up with me. I've been doing a lot this week. I uh went to somewhere called Candid in London to do a photo shoot with me and Joe for uh the new podcast that we're going to be doing. I'm really excited to bring that. Nothing like this. It's going to be super chill, super fun. Probably a side of me that some people maybe don't see.
00:30
I know some people think I'm a bit of a hard ass and super serious all the time, but I'm really not. I'm just really passionate about helping people and people not staying stuck. And that's why it's a lot of what I talk about because I've been there and I've lived it and I've gone through it and I don't want people to stay stuck, feel small, not fulfill the potential because I did that for a big chunk of my life and it sucks and not in a good way. So I'm looking forward to doing that.
00:59
I've had to take Fenn back to the vet this week because he had an operation on his teeth and he was fine and then he seems to have got an infection. uh So that's ongoing. We have renovation start next week for the kitchen, which is exciting and terrifying, but I'm looking forward to it. I noticed that I've got quite a lot of open loops at the minute, em which...
01:29
When you have open loops, means things that are not concluded, things that are not done, things that you are waiting for, either time to pass till someone does something or gets back to you. The more open loops you have at once, the more overwhelmed and anxious you're gonna feel because there's so many uncertainties, all right? And that is often the deep cause of what anxiety is. So I noticed that I've got quite a lot of open loops in a minute, so I'm working very hard to close those and not.
01:58
open new ones. I've also been working really hard on we have put out our Edinburgh event which is going to be in March. We're doing a multi-day event in Edinburgh next year. It's going to be epic. There's going to be kilk fittings. There's going to be gala dinners. There's going to be our massive action day as well as whiskey tasting, tours of the castle and the city, one-on-one hands-on coaching, yoga, socialising, networking. There's going to be
02:27
a ton and I'm really really excited. We've got 35 spots for GMC members and we've also got five spots for non GMC members which I'm really excited. We did that in Chicago and it was fantastic. Four of those guys who actually came to the Chicago event ended up joining GMC and are a big part of the community now. So we are, I love being able to share what we do inside of GMC outside and that's one of the reasons that we're doing
02:57
our elevation event at the end of November. The whole idea of this event is to help people who attend elevate themselves, their thinking, their habits, their behaviors, everything they need to go to the next level. So it's for people who are stoked, for people who feel unfulfilled, for people who feel like they're in a rote, for people who know that there's more in the tank and they're playing small. And this is gonna give you clarity, it's gonna give you action steps, and it's gonna give you everything you need
03:26
to elevate the things in your life, your standards, your behaviors, your beliefs, your thought patterns, your identity that are going to allow you to elevate your standard of living and what you are capable of. So I've been working really hard on that and I'm really looking forward to that. So if you know anybody who you think would be interested, get them there, tickets are free. I've been putting stuff out all over my Instagram, in my emails, it's in there so.
03:55
Go check that out because there's only 150 spots. I think we've sold, well not sold because it's free, but a third of them have gone already. This week I am really looking forward to bringing in uh Tough Love Tuesdays. So as you guys know, we do workshops throughout the week with GMC guys. We have group calls, we have one-on-one calls, but the group calls that we do, I really get a lot of value out of them. I love being able to...
04:24
teach problem solve with the guys and just kind of delve into a topic. So, Tough Love Tuesdays are coming in on Tuesday where essentially I'm gonna take one topic um and I'm gonna unfiltered, unedited, not the nicey nice stuff that people often want to hear that people feel is sexy, but the stuff that we often need to hear and the stuff we often avoid, the stuff that we don't like to hear. Being a coach's job is to be
04:54
give the client exactly what they need when they need it. And sometimes that's tough love, sometimes it's an arm around them, sometimes it's support, sometimes it's a cheerleader, it varies. A good coach knows what to do at what time. But a lot of us in this climate shy away from feedback, shy away from critical feedback because...
05:19
We internalise things and think, oh, someone said I did something wrong, that means I'm a shit person. It doesn't, it just means that you've got something wrong. And I think that's something that I have learned through rugby is to not take things personally. uh And certainly putting things out on social media. If I took everything personally that everybody said, I think I'd have opened a wrist a long time ago. uh Because I get hammer all the time. But it's about being able to take things on board.
05:49
ask yourself, there any validity to this and what can I take from it to help me progress? And there have been lots of times in my life where I've received tough love and not liked it, not liked it. And sometimes in the moment I've rejected it and gone, no, fuck off, not for me. But I would say 99 times out of 100, I've then reflected on it and go, yeah, there's something in that. And I think having that willingness and being able to do that,
06:19
is so important for anybody's physical, personal, emotional and mental health and their development. And because I'm bringing in Tough Love Tuesdays next week for the GMC guys, I wanted to share five bits of Tough Love that have really helped me over the years, that have really helped clients that I've helped, and I think everybody...
06:46
needs to hear or needs reminding of, because maybe some of these you actually know about. But number one is most people don't actually want to change. Most people do not want to change. They are far too committed to being a victim, to using their circumstances, the things that have happened to them and just saying, this is me, this is shit, I have no power and I actually like moaning about being stuck and not having anything work for me. They'd much rather moan about it.
07:15
then do something about it, then take action. Because it's familiar, it's safe, it's easy to do that, to sit and mourn. And that's not victim blaming. That's not saying, well, it's your own fault for being there. Because for the vast majority of us, it's not our own fault. There's a lot of things that have gone on in life. There's a lot of things that happen to us that are completely not our fault. But our life is our responsibility. And it's so much easier to sit and mourn and do jack shit and not take action.
07:46
and just expect things to change. Spoiler, they won't. So this is why people's actions are, judge people by their actions, not by what they say, because anybody can talk a good game. Trust me, I've met many, many people who can talk a good game about what they're gonna do, what they're capable of, what they're this, what they're that. But when the rubber meets the road, they do not take action because it's so much easier to blame, blame, blame.
08:15
rather than try, potentially fail, and then have to look at themselves and go, oh, I could have done this, this, and this. So, tough love is that, ask yourself, do you actually really wanna change? And what actions are you taking to show yourself that that's the case? Because if you're not tracking things, if you're not getting help from somebody, if you're not checking in on time, if you're not turning up to...
08:40
Events and workshops and courses and the things that are actually going to help you and then implementing the things Yeah, because it's not just about information if you're not actually taking action you are not trying to change you're talking about changing and that that ties in with with the second point which is saying is not doing just just Just talking about something does not mean that you want to change Show me someone's calendar and I'll show you their priorities
09:08
You know, if they are, if someone says they wanna get in shape and their gym is not in their calendar, or they're not tracking their food, or they're not planning their food, or they're not getting help, or they don't have accountability from someone, and know, checking isn't in their calendar, or go to the gym isn't in their calendar, they know that's not a priority for them. Because what you diarise, you prioritize.
09:35
I've never said that out loud before, but it kind of rhymes and I'm gonna go with it. What you diarise, you prioritise. Things that you go in your diary, they are your priorities because they go in there and you put them in there so you don't miss them. Now that doesn't mean that you're always, that things don't crop up and you miss things and it's not about being perfect, but it's about what are you prioritising and what are you actually doing and following through? I actually sacked a client.
10:04
this week because they kept telling me how they wanted to change, they wanted to do things, how they wanted to do this, that and the other and they did nothing. They didn't check in on time, they didn't get back to communication, they didn't go to the gym, they didn't turn up to workshops, they didn't come to the events and they just moaned and they said that they wanted their coach to message them every single day. I was like, that isn't coaching, that's babysitting. You don't want to change, you want somebody to blame because you're not changing.
10:33
and that is not how coaching works, so I got rid of them. Saying is not doing, that is number two. Number three is you need to stop rationalising your excuses. I see this all the time. Well, it's just one day, it's just one day. It's my birthday, it's Christmas, it's a holiday. Here's the thing, and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that anybody should live like a bodybuilder or an athlete. Moderation is important and it is important to...
11:02
track things but if you cannot string together four weeks in a row without there being a one day situation you are never going to get a result. You're never going to reinforce uh beliefs and behaviours about how you are a consistent person, you're never going to keep showing up for yourself, you're going to let things get in the way. Every single week of the year for the rest of my life I could find a reason not to be on track. ah A birthday, a holiday, an occasion, a social event.
11:32
something that's going on, fucking Mercury in retrograde, I could find an excuse every single time and people rationalise their excuses with that and then they'll say, oh well, you know, it's not that bad and it's not this and it's not, and again, just to clarify, you do not need to be perfect to get a result. I genuinely believe, in fact, I know from my vast experience as a coach, that if you are 80 % on plan, 80 % of the time,
12:01
you will get a result. Will it be an elite result? Probably not, but it will be a result that is above 99 % of the population. That said, if every single week, every single weekend, there's a social event that you have to go to, a family event that you have to, and people go and they go, well I had to go and I have to eat. Me, don't. No one is pinning you down and forcing you. It's your elbow.
12:27
You know, your elbow goes up and the hand goes near your face and the food goes in. You're allowed to say no. You're allowed to not have a drink. You're allowed to go to the gym. You're allowed to prioritise your own growth. Stop rationalising your own excuses as just one day and saying that you'll try and do this and you'll try and do that. As Yoda said, do or do not, there is no try. uh And what that means is when you go into something and you say, I'm gonna do my very best, you will go in and do your best.
12:56
When you say I'm gonna go in and do something, I'm gonna try, basically you're giving yourself an out. Oh yeah, well I did try, but it would have been half-assed. So stop rationalizing excuses. Number four is that every single person makes their own life harder. You are making your own life harder by the stories that you tell yourself. Because the stories that you tell yourself about who you are, the actions that you take, how the world is,
13:24
they build up your identity and you reinforce that. I see this all the time and this is a conversation that I with clients and I'm like, I'm not gonna stand for that kind of like talk because it's bullshit when they go, oh, I'm just an emotional eater. You keep telling yourself you're an emotional eater and you will be an emotional eater. If you tell yourself that you are a strong, independent fucking champion, guess what you're like like one.
13:53
And you might not believe it at first, but you will eventually. um And it's not a kind of fake it until you make it the situation. Although I suppose you could say it is a little bit, but how you talk about you, you become. Whatever you say about you, you become. You say that you're lazy. You say that you're inconsistent. You say that you're in emotionally. And guess what? Bada bing, bada boom. You are those things. You say that you are consistent. You say that you turn up. You say that you... m
14:23
you know, ask for help and that you are a team player and you will be those and you can reinforce the stories, how you feel about things as well. know, uh someone does something and cuts you off, like I don't know, they cut you off while you're driving. It's easy to go, he did that on purpose, he did this, he did that. That just makes you feel shit. You can just go, oh, he probably made a mistake. That is a choice. That is a choice that you make.
14:53
how you see things, the stories that you tell yourself about who you are, how the world is, and the actions that you take create your identity. And when you start to internalize things like I'm an emotional eater, I'm all or nothing, I'm this, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, that is when no matter what diet, what training program, what coach, what your goals are, what job you've got,
15:20
you will always repeat the same behaviors because you have made something an identity and until you start to do the work to shift that, which is the everyday conversations that you have, the everyday actions that you take and the everyday stories that you tell yourself, you will continue to do that. And that kind of ties in with my last one. The last one is change is a choice. You choose when to change. It doesn't happen upon you on a new year, on a Monday, next month.
15:48
when your boyfriend breaks up with her, whatever it is, it's a choice that you make to either start taking action to change or it is a choice to stay where you are and do nothing and moan. Everything that you do or do not do, you are choosing. Yeah, what you are not changing, you are choosing. So when you um let people walk all over you and you don't put your boundaries and don't do anything, you are choosing not to do that.
16:17
And don't get me wrong, this is not me saying that it's easy. This is not me saying that it's not challenging because it is those things, but you are choosing not to be challenged. You are choosing the easy route and you are choosing not to change things. Just like you are choosing to go to the gym and you are choosing to check in on time and you are choosing to, you know, get involved with communities that support you and want to see you win. Or you are choosing to be isolated. You are choosing to see uh changes or you are choosing.
16:46
to stay the same and keep telling yourself the same stories, keep saying and not doing, you are choosing to rationalise your excuses. Everything that I've spoken about there, it's a choice and it starts as soon as you make that choice and you take an action in the right direction, you are changing and you are taking control. And when you don't do that, you are also choosing not to do that. And the actions that you take reinforce, reinforce, reinforce the choices that you are making.
17:15
So I you know, I don't want to be overweight Okay, I am NOT gonna buy in loads of chocolate I am NOT gonna order pizza and then when you do when you don't go order the pizza and you have a chicken salad instead then you go I Reinforced I did an action that reinforced the thing that I said that is a positive feedback loop That is how you start to tell yourself different stories about
17:41
who you are and where you belong in the world and what goes on and you start to build a new identity and guess what? When your identity is I am a healthy person and I look after myself and I train, going to the gym, uh eating well, saying no to things, having boundaries, having a good quality of life become really, really easy. And it all starts from the little choices that you choose to make or not make. And remember that they are all choices. So I hope those five things have helped.
18:09
They're like some little bits of tough love. And you can skirt around them, you can say I don't like them, you can do all that. I've done that myself, did it for years, got me nowhere. When you actually look at things head on and go, yeah, do you know what? uh If it looks like a duck and it quacks like a duck, it's usually a duck. uh And the same goes for when people say the same things over and over again. There's usually a reason to it. uh And those...
18:37
those things are true. I think those things are more true now in 2025 than they ever have been. People think that they have a God-given right for the world to treat them fairly. The world has never treated anybody fairly. For things to go their way and for results to just fall into their lap and just happen. Well guess what? They don't. No one is coming to save you and no one is coming to wipe your arse. Yes there are people who want to help you. Yes there are people who want to support you.
19:05
but you have to take responsibility for your own life and if you are not willing to do that and to make the choices to take the action to reinforce the habits, the behaviours and the stories that you tell yourself with ones that are in line with the person that you want to be. If you are not willing to do that, you are not willing to change. And to be honest, until you are willing to change, there is nobody on the planet who can help you. There's nobody on the planet who can help you because you have to be wanting to change and willing to go through the discomfort of that.
19:35
So a bit of Tough Love in preparation, that's kind of stuff I'm going to be talking about on the Tough Love Tuesday sessions, which I'm really looking forward to bringing in. This weekend, I'm going to a birthday celebration on Saturday. And then next week, I will have the results from my MRI that I had on my heart to see if the medication for my dilated cardiomyopathy is working. So I'll be able to report back on that.
20:05
I hope you've enjoyed it, I hope you've got a lot of value out of it. If you have, please do let me know. You can grab free tickets to Elevation if you want to attend. Just check out my weekly emails, check out my Instagram. There's loads of stuff going on there. I am really, really excited by what we've got coming up to finish the year off with GMC. Massive action day in Manchester, the Elevation event.
20:32
You know, all the stuff that we've got going on into next year with Edinburgh and Montreal, London, the photo shoots, like it's going to be epic. So really excited about that. Look after yourself and listen, take on board what I said or don't. That's your choice. That's right. It ties in with what I said. But try not to eat and drink and behave at the expense of how you want to look and feel. And you'll be absolutely sweet. And I'll speak to you next week.