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The Beyond High Performance Podcast is brought to you by the coaches and friends of the executive coaching firm, Novus Global, and the Meta Performance Institute for Coaching. Join us for intentional, vulnerable, thought provoking conversations that illustrate the life-shifting power of coaching. In order to adequately share the breadth and depth of the firm’s insights, this podcast consists of three unique shows. The Meta Performance Show, will bring you unflinching interviews with top industry leaders on their paths to success. Next, we explore with the show called On Coaching, which pulls back the curtain on the intricacies of life as a Novus Global Coach. And finally, Your Finest Hour, which explores the unique dynamics between a coach and their client by bringing both on the show to unpack their coaching experience together. This podcast was crafted to help you grow as a coach, leader, employee, and human being, inspiring you to go beyond high performance and explore what you are capable of. Note that this podcast is not for those who are committed to mediocrity.
# Swell AI Transcript: Community - On Coaching (First Edit with Intro).wav
SPEAKER_01:
Welcome to the Beyond High Performance podcast featuring content and conversations from me, Jason Jaggard, along with our elite coaches at Novus Global, their high performing clients, and the faculty of the Metta Performance Institute for Coaching. On this podcast, you'll hear some of the world's best executive coaches and high performing leaders, artists and athletes discuss how they continue to go beyond high performance in their lives and businesses.
SPEAKER_07:
In today's episode of On Coaching, we want to create some energy around the topic of community. And we want to do that by offering up a few stories and tools on how to create and sustain a community that gives you life. I'm Janet Breitenbach, partner at Novus Global, and I'm joined today by three of my fellow executive coaches, Laura Leflar, Andrew Simla, and Laura Gruen, to discuss how community can act as a catalyst for creating meta performance in your life. To start, we take a deep dive into some of the most common challenges to building community that last, whether it's developing a vision around what you want, managing unresourceful mindsets that exist, or following through on those plans. Later on, we'll share stories and anecdotes of how to build community that are strategies you can actually steal and try for yourself. We believe that community is so important because these are the people you get to live life with and who will advocate for your best along the way. We hope you enjoy the show.
SPEAKER_02:
The wait is finally over. Our new book, Beyond High Performance, what great coaches know about how the best get better, is available for purchase wherever books are sold. This USA Today bestseller is more than 250 pages of expertise, anecdotes, and insights from Novus Global coaches, as well as faculty from the Metta Performance Institute for Coaching. We are so excited to put our proprietary framework that has helped thousands of leaders achieve more into your hands. And we can't wait to see how you'll use the book to enhance your life and leadership. To learn more and obtain this essential resource for yourself, visit novus.global.com.
SPEAKER_07:
I am so, so excited to be here today. My name is Janet Breitenbach. I'm a partner at Novus Global, and our topic of conversation today is on community. And that's the word we're using today, although there can be quite a few different words to express the conversation we're going to have today. We're going to talk about what it looks like to build community, the challenges of creating that, even this idea of meta performance being a team sport. I think there, I think it was Jason, our CEO said once was, if your vision doesn't involve other people, it's too small. And I just love this idea of, you know, we can have these dreams, these outcomes, these goals in our life, but what does it look like to go after something that requires that we build a team of people around us? I've had clients who have built a quote-unquote board of advisors. It could be your immediate community. It could be your local community. It could be your best friend. It could be mentors, right? Just what does it look like to actually build out a team, a community of people who you get to live life with, who you get to advocate for your best. And so we're going to talk about the challenges of that and what does it look like to actually practically build out the community of your dreams. And joined with me today, we have Laura Gruhn, Laura Leffler and Andrew Simila to have this conversation with us. And in fact, these three, I would categorize as three people who are actually pretty great at building and creating communities. So I'm excited to have them with us today. So we're going to dive right in. And the first thing I want to throw out to our group is I want to talk about either your or your client's challenges in creating and building community. And actually, in preparation for this episode, I polled my social media and our internal Slack about like, hey, what are the common challenges presented when trying to build and manage community? And there were quite a bit that were listed. We won't have time to go into all of them, But we talked about things like location, like I just moved from Pasadena, California to Kansas City, Missouri. And so I have a whole host of new challenges with building community and people around me because I don't know anyone in the city quite yet. And I'm going to throw out a few more that here and then please open floor to the three of you. We also talked about values. That was a big one that came up actually. And I'm curious if for the three of you, you've seen the challenge for yourself, for your clients, when it comes to finding people who share common values. Where have you seen that?
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, I think sometimes that's a big challenge because for me personally, in my own personal life, you know, I have three kids. And so when you're raising kids, it's an interesting thing around, you know, are you hanging out with people? Are you building community? Is the support system around you sharing those same values and belief systems? So that's one area for sure where I find that.
SPEAKER_07:
Yeah. And one of the things I'm thinking about, too, is someone said like, hey, I want to find people who care about growth. I want to find people who are ambitious and I want to find people who are willing to have hard conversations with me. This was a pretty common one that I've seen as well. I'm curious if that's been a challenge for either of you, Laura or Laura. We have two Lauras on the call today. What are the challenges that you found for you with creating and building community?
SPEAKER_04:
For me, it usually is first identifying what kind of community it is I am feeling the need for. In different spaces of my life, I would define that community differently. So there might be moments in my life where the kind of community I long for is really the community that just brings the fun, that has events planned and adventures that we can look forward to. And then in other moments of my life, the community I'm really longing for is the one that challenges me. the one where we can have the really deep and vulnerable conversations with each other. And of course, then there's spaces where you kind of fluctuate between both. So for me, identifying, like, when I say I'm longing for community, what am I actually longing for? How would I define what's missing from my relationship life now?
SPEAKER_07:
Can I ask Laura, what's up for you right now? What's your current challenge?
SPEAKER_04:
Yeah, that's great. Well, my current challenge is this is a unique space in my life after being kind of a single person, lived in LA for 17 years. My complaint in LA was always, you know, where are all the other people looking for community? And this is such an isolating city and everyone has, you know, families and jobs and busyness. And then I moved to Denver and my complaint was, I don't know anyone here. How do you make friends as an adult? How do you start over in building community, especially in my forties? And now I'm entering a life of being married and having a partner. And I'm realizing how having a partner impacts my desire for community because suddenly I have someone who I'm having a lot of conversation with and I'm almost experiencing more, you know, relationship than I have in a long time. And so now my needs are like, OK, how do I reintegrate friendship into my life with this new person who's also involved in all of it? So. My current is balance. Balance is my current challenge.
SPEAKER_07:
Yes, yes. I have a feeling, Laura, that so many people can resonate with those challenges, especially stage of life. I've noticed even for me going from single to married, it's just a different world. Pros and cons for each. But definitely it presents a new world of challenges every new stage of life. Laura Leffler, I'm curious what your current challenges are with building and creating community.
SPEAKER_05:
I was resonating with the stage of life conversation. I have found it a new challenge moving from different phases of life, like I've now been married for 18 years. But when I got married, it was like, you know, what community is serving needs that I have and then creating space for my husband to have community that serves, you know, recreational hobby kind of community needs that he felt. Where do we have community together? And then, of course, that shifting as we had kids. And it's a unique challenge, I would say, to find other parents who are raising their kids in the same kind of way and, you know, with the same kind of values and creating community. And then, of course, you don't all you don't want all of your community to be completely homogenous either. Right. So finding people who challenge you and expand you and all of that as well.
SPEAKER_07:
Yeah, that's so good. I was thinking about, so a few of us are from, especially on this call, are familiar with church community as well. And some of us used to go to a church called Mosaic, and there was a saying they had there, which is cause creates community. which I actually really love that line, but it reminds me of the aligned values conversation. When you're with a group of people who are going after the same thing, oftentimes that community becomes a little bit easier because you have something that you're collectively going after, that you're doing together, and you get to hang out in the midst of that. And I feel super grateful that we have a lot of that kind of built in at Novus Global because we're all kind of going after the same mission. We're working together. So oftentimes when we travel to go work together, we get that community. And I think about like, gosh, what if I didn't have this? And even in that, there's still challenges to building a community. You know, I really wish that the three of you lived in Kansas City so we could have a game night. But you don't. And so then it becomes a question of, like, okay, what are the different elements of community as well? And how do I find people who also just want to hang and play games and do all of that? So...
SPEAKER_05:
I think if you had asked me 10 years ago, I would have listed proximity as a necessity for community. And, you know, you can have relationships that are long distance, but not necessarily community. And as our work as coaches and being a part of Novus Global has become largely remote, the relationships that we have with people, you know, whether it's other coaches in the firm, or clients, you know, people that we've developed friendships with, I would say a huge portion of my community doesn't live anywhere close to me. And so a new challenge has been figuring out what does it look like to show up for people in my life when I can't drop food off at their door, in person anyways. We found ways around that. I love a good DoorDash gift card, you know. Yep. But yeah, that's a unique one.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, I think it really comes down to like, one of the things that might come down to is just intentionality. It's kind of what I'm hearing is like, the cause creates community, but then there's an opportunity that it presents for you to be intentional. Like, what would it look like for me to create community within, I guess, the grandiose community of Novus Global, you know, but then also within there's a micro kind of community with certain coaches on the firm that we kind of, you know, are connecting with a little bit more so than others or, yeah, so definitely there's a intentionality there.
SPEAKER_07:
Which is a good segue to, because I wanted to really flesh out the many problems that people are listening to can connect with so that we can connect to how to solve for that. The other things I listed here as the common challenges, so we said location, values, vision, and we're going to talk a little bit more about that, but skill, so Do I have the skill or do others have the skill to generate relationships? And we can dive deeper into that. That wouldn't have been something years ago I would have said is necessary for creating community. But I do notice like it comes easier to some people. Some people, it takes a lot of extra intention and work. So skill, expectations, culture, time, like figuring out the how, is it through connecting in small groups, big groups, love languages, and of course, breakdowns, which I think, you know, once you start to get into 30s and 40s, I believe you start to have to have a higher skill and being able to navigate hard conversations, like what happens when there's hurt? What happens when there's let down or people break their word to you? Like, how do you have those conversations? So you mean you don't just avoid it? Yeah, great community avoided.
SPEAKER_03:
There's conflict. I'm out. New one.
SPEAKER_07:
Yeah, yeah, exactly. Exactly. So there's so many elements, especially for, you know, in our 20s, it feels so easy, or at least to me, as it occurred to me, like in our 20s, you're surrounded by people, whether you go to college or you're attending a church. And it feels like everyone's always just going to be there. Like, oh, these are going to be my friends forever. And then life happens. People move away. People have breakdowns between each other. They start to lose trust and people develop their kind of way of building it. So I wanted to kind of break our conversation into three categories, which are very common in the world of coaching. So if you have been listening at all, these will sound very familiar to you. But the three categories are vision, mindset, and strategy. And the reason I want to start with that, and I want to start with this idea of vision, because one of the things that I've noticed that is really powerful when it comes to creating community is having a vision for it. And what's surprising to me, because this is something that I just love, and I love building community, creating it, all of the above, is that sometimes I've realized that people don't have a vision for community. Maybe they passively want it, but they don't necessarily have a picture of the future for community. Maybe they've been disappointed before, maybe they don't know how, and maybe it's slowly drifted into just a thing that maybe they'll have one day or maybe they don't even want or need. So I guess I want to start there. When we think about vision, do you have a vision? What have you seen has worked when you have a vision? What are your thoughts on vision for community?
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, I think it's vital. I think having a vision is essentially like the anchor that pulls us in every kind of conversation we're having as coaches. So if we were to have a community conversation, I think it's vital to have the conversation around vision. Do you have a vision for your community? I think sometimes people don't know what they want. They haven't really gotten clear on that. They have some feelings and emotions potentially or some needs that are maybe unmet. But I'm excited to kind of explore this conversation around vision. But I definitely think there's a need for a vision when it comes to community, yeah.
SPEAKER_05:
When we were coming out of COVID, it was such an interesting time to reevaluate. Where are we building community? Who are the people who we're building community with? And my husband and I found ourselves in a place where it was time to re-envision community. And so we have a group of five families who all decided we would meet weekly and we had conversations about, yeah, when I was younger, I remember having my family had like a group of friends or cousins and it was like, all the kids were running around together and the grownups were hanging out drinking coffee and just like great memories running wild. And we were like, yeah, let's be that group for each other. And so we decided to be intentional about building something coming out of COVID, all of us feeling a level of disconnection in our lives, a level of feeling disoriented around community. And so decided, hey, we're going to get together every weekend at this time. Everybody's going to bring snacks. The kids grab the snacks and go to the basement. The adults hang and we talk about, hey, what's actually happening in your life and have intentional conversation. And having that common vision together, it felt clunky. You know, how do we find a time that works for everyone? Are these kids going to get together and like each other? Are we going to be running downstairs to break up fights all the time? Um, but yes, we will, but it's still worth it. Right. You know, but, but that intentionality, I think really came from having that vision, that picture of like, Hey, let's give this experience to our kids. Let's be people for each other who are there to have the real conversations. Um, and now those are the group that is the group that we have holidays with and that we're dropping off food when someone is sick and all that kind of thing. So yeah, I love that Janet starts with vision.
SPEAKER_03:
Laura, I've never really thought about it that way because it occurs to me that you're drawing those, a lot of that from the past, like what maybe you grew up in or nostalgia or because it brings up a thought in my mind of like, you know, my dad taking us beach camping when we were young and we have this big beach site and we would just invite all of our friends or like the New Year's Eve parties we would have and a lot of moments in my life that I'm like, oh my God, those were so fun and now as a dad, I find myself going like, I'm going to book the same site, you know, or like, we're all going to go to Yosemite. And a lot of actually what's driving me is this thought of like, I actually have experienced community in such a way, which maybe Janet, you're experiencing that too. Now you're in Kansas. And I remember going to your house in LA where the parties were fun and there was a bunch of people and maybe it's like wanting to create that for yourself in Kansas City, just to be specific, not Kansas, Kansas City, but yeah.
SPEAKER_07:
Thank you. Thank you for correcting that.
SPEAKER_05:
That's a really good example, too, Andrew, because Janet, you and your husband really had a vision for a community. I know you're in a time of transition now. You're in a new city and re envisioning what that looks like. But you guys, can you speak to that a little bit about the vision you had for using your place in L.A. ?
SPEAKER_07:
Yeah, I mean, that was very intentional. So it is weird to be in a new city where we don't have just hordes of people that we can invite yet in Kansas City. But absolutely, when we got the little house in Pasadena that we rented for three years, we got it primarily because the backyard and, uh, we kind of made a decision, Hey, we want to have people over as often as we can. And so it meant there's costs to that, right? Because it, one it's vulnerable. Like, are people going to come over? Are they going to like it? And oftentimes we would say, hey, we're just going to we don't want to make it difficult. So we're going to just invest a few hundred dollars in groceries and cook for everyone. And that's like our our thing. So I actually have a line item on my budget that's for hosting. Because that's how much I didn't want to limit it because of nitpicking over, like, how much do we spend and all that.
SPEAKER_03:
One thought that comes to mind is my wife told me the other day, we were talking about the difference between hosting and hospitality. And even just that thought, because for me, what often gets in the way of creating a community is I think I need to host people. And so, when I have people over to my house, I got to clean it, we got to like stock it, we got to make sure it's up. You know, it's dialed in where a lot of like the survival needs kind of come up of like looking good, people are going to, you know, it's like, Our house is a disaster, like three kids and it's like chaos, but someone's, you know, hey, pop by, we're here. Like, hey, we're there. And so even just creating that distinction between am I hosting or are we creating a space of hospitality? Because the second we tried that on was we're actually more committed to hospitality than we are to hosting. And there are times where, you know, we do a game night and we curate it and everyone's kind of coming over and we're playing this specific game and it's fun and we invite specifically these people. But there's a big difference between hosting and being hospitable. And when I started to make that shift, man, the slew of people we would invite over, the friends that we would have come through, there was no age or stage or range. It was like just opening up and being hospitable. So I wonder what your vision for your life and community is in Kansas City now that you're there, even the thought of like, I don't really have a lot of people we know, or we had a bigger community in LA. It's like, I wonder what that would unlock for you if it was hospitality, you know?
SPEAKER_07:
Well, so I really love that, Andrew, because I think although it's fun for me, I make time for it. I'm blessed with the time for it to host rather than, you know, the not rather than, but in addition to the hospitality aspect. There's a lot of people who might say, like, I don't have the time for all of that, or it feels really vulnerable, or I'm introverted. So I kind of want to shift into what are the mindsets that tend to get in the way from either your personal or your clients? Because I don't know about you guys, but this is often a topic of conversation with clients as well. Especially when you're working with executives or people that are high performers that are looking to expand their impact, oftentimes there is a complaint. And what I'm curious about is what are those complaints? In other words, what are the mindsets that often get in the way of creating community?
SPEAKER_04:
For me, I realized once I was being coached, I realized that I'd been sitting in a real victim mentality mindset around community for a long time. You know, I am the victim of a city where everyone is so spread out and no one wants to drive to each other. Or I am the victim of being the only single person in my friend group So everyone else is bonding over their kids or I am the victim of having moved to a new city and having a hard time integrating where people already have their well formed pockets of community. So that mindset was really creating for me a sense of helplessness and hopelessness. And I found myself many times like sitting in my apartment, longing for community, um, where, which was, you know, obviously not coming to find me in my apartment, but because I was in a space of, there's nothing I can do about this. I was feeling stuck. And I hear that a lot as well. When people talk about community is like this complaint of I am stuck in my circumstance when it comes to community.
SPEAKER_07:
That's so good, Laura.
SPEAKER_03:
One mindset that comes up for me is the thought of getting rather than giving. Like, community's here for me to take. Like, what can community do for me? But I've seen the most powerful moments of community in my personal life when I choose to kind of give and show up and to create a community for others to be included or others to be seen or heard or noticed or understood or blessed or fed, even from a natural standpoint, just like we want to feed people. If you're ever short on community, go feed people.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, when all of those things, all of those things you're saying occur to me like generosity is like, how do you have community without generosity from yourself and of your resources and in multiple ways? That's good, Andrew.
SPEAKER_06:
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SPEAKER_07:
That's so good. I'm thinking of because I, I had a big aha moment for me, I think when I was 31, and I realized that my chronic complaint was that I give more than others give me. And so same thing, Laura Green, I was in this mindset, this very disempowered mindset of, look, I'm always giving, always giving. So ironically, that was the con. I thought I was being generous. But what I wasn't doing is I was giving with an expectation of it being returned. and then resentful when it wasn't returned. So like transactional instead of generous. Very much. It wasn't actually generosity. So I was conning myself that it was generous, but really it was, hey, if I'm giving this to you, I'm expecting for you to give it back. And that can be a little brain breaking for it was for me. It is often for clients because there is a little bit of this mentality of, well, like, shouldn't I expect that? Shouldn't I be getting that back? And we want to zoom out and go like, actually, I love the sewing and reaping metaphor as well, because whenever I feel I'm missing something, I'm not reaping the result that I want to get. then I start to look for, okay, where do I want to go? So vulnerability, so I'll receive vulnerability. And so that's, I'm curious, if there's any other mindsets, what do you see get in people's way, or your way?
SPEAKER_03:
The mindset of like, lack versus abundance, I think is huge, too. Because even what you're saying, Janet, in regards to like, I'm giving more than what I'm getting like that stems out of like lack of in the sense of like with one of the clients I'm working with we just recently had a conversation where he got approached by someone he's a photographer and there was this person that reached out I'd love for you to shoot this project and in his mind it was like this person's not going to be able to pay my rate this person's not going to be able to get me to where I need to go. And he was craving for referrals. He was craving for people to want him and this work to be created. And I said, do you notice how you're pushing away, like, the very thing that you're wanting to receive? Because his mindset was limited in regards to what might be possible if I just gave. And so generosity, it's like, It's powerful when you're generous, your world gets larger. And so, when we shifted that mindset, it was powerful to see what he actually created on the other side of that conversation, what it led to and what results were created just by him giving and being generous and what that led to. So, I think for sure, lack is often what gets in the way.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, I was thinking when you were talking about vulnerability, the way I was going to phrase it before you said vulnerability was just the willingness to be with people. And there's sort of that tension. I think in so many of these conversations about community, there's a tension to hold. Like you want to be generous with your time and also you want to make sure you're resting too, or then you'll have nothing to bring to community. You know, so there's tensions to manage. I would say that the tension around the willingness to just be with people. So a challenge and a mindset that I often experience is like, I'm not ready to be with people, you know, or I have to be in a certain mind frame to be around people or you know, like, yeah, vulnerability is probably even a more precise way to put it, like a willingness to be messy in front of people. I would say that's been the journey of my last, like, 10 years, probably, like with a beauty that comes in relationship when I'm willing to be messy with people.
SPEAKER_07:
So Laura, I think that's so huge, especially because that covers a lot of boxes when it comes to the common complaints that I've seen myself have and other people. I will often witness people in hard situations want to fix the other person in friendship. Like, oh, they're expressing this thing. They're going through this challenge. Being a friend means I need to jump in and give unsolicited advice and fix the situation. And I see this happen pretty often. It could be someone's just talking about a challenge. It could be someone's going through a really hard time. Someone's going through a death. And Laurie, you bring up a great point of like, what is it? Do I feel comfortable just being with someone else versus feeling the need to fix? Like what's, how do I see, do I see myself as valuable enough just to be here and not providing anything?
SPEAKER_03:
In 2017, I lived in New York and I was hit by a car. It was crazy because I had to actually be out of the game for a whole year. I couldn't go to the city. We couldn't work. We couldn't live. We just had to stay home. I was dealing with some mental issues. trauma and some injuries. I had a traumatic brain injury, short-term memory loss, cognitive delay. But what's crazy is in that season of life, I couldn't leave my house. I couldn't go do. And the people that we were able to be around in that moment, it was literally just people come sit on my couch and hang out. Like as if you're in the doctors or the hospital and someone just sitting by your bedside in a way. And there's so much power in playing video games. It was like so simple, but with people who would just be next to you in the video game or be next to you watching the movie or be with you in the house rather than the doing side of things. And so I noticed what you're saying and it's super powerful. It relates to my life of actually really impacted by community and served by community and supported by community just by someone showing up to the house and sitting with me long enough for it to make sense in my mind.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah, showing up for people to me is so huge. We had a significant loss in our lives about eight years ago. And I still get emotional thinking back the way that community showed up for us. And it was so powerful to have somebody text and say, Hey, I know you guys are going through it. I just dropped off wine and chips on your front step. You know, and it was like, they didn't want to ask for anything. They just wanted us to know, I see you and I'm showing up for you.
SPEAKER_03:
And I think those- And at times, you don't even love those wine and chips.
SPEAKER_05:
It's like- It doesn't even matter. It could be my least favorite kind of chips. It doesn't matter.
SPEAKER_03:
I wish they were salted.
SPEAKER_05:
Yeah. And yet I put so much pressure on myself. I will notice that I, if I want to show up for someone, I need to know their favorite kind of chips or then I can't do it right. You know? And I do remind myself like, Hey, like, remember, and I think these, these two statements I've been grounding for me is like, show up for people and see people like, and I think that's been a gift when people have done that for me, when you just see, When you see me, when you see us, and you just show up, it doesn't even matter. You know, that's the gift. And so that's the lift, I think, for me, is to do that without the pressure to make it perfect or, you know, hit it right on the nose, like to show up for people and see people.
SPEAKER_03:
Right. Yeah. It's like, what I'm hearing is like, we vastly underestimate the power of just being present. Like, just showing up imperfect, messy, it's like dropped off the wrong chips, we don't even drink wine. But it was like, it's the thought that counts, right? And it's like this idea of like, just getting out of my own way to be there for someone, yeah.
SPEAKER_07:
That's good. Yeah. And in preparation for this, I actually asked each person to come with a story and maybe, because Laura, that was already an, I love that example. That's such a good example of someone showing up for someone, because I think it'd be helpful to hear examples of like, what does it look like to actually do this? Especially if I'm listening to this episode and I've typically just been relying on things to just kind of fall together, so to speak. I've been relying on who's around me. I've been relying on maybe just who I work with and I'm sitting here going, but I don't really know what this looks like. And I actually have an example for myself when I think it was like, gosh, Eight years ago now, I had just gone through a breakup and I was noticing that the person that I broke up with was my primary friend and that I was lacking in the department of girlfriends. And I was just really getting in my head about it because I was like, oh, this is why I keep going back to things that aren't working, because I actually don't have people I can hang out with. And nothing was happening naturally. You know, I wasn't in school anymore. I wasn't attending a church at the time. I had some community through some nonprofits that I was volunteering with. But other than that, there wasn't anything naturally unfolding. And so I got clear with myself. I was like, I want more girlfriends. And I remember how vulnerable it felt just to even say that to myself. Like, I want more girlfriends. I want friends, right? Like, it was so vulnerable to think that, to say that out loud. And there was a person in my world that I was like, she seems really cool. Like, she seems like she'd be a good friend. And it wasn't like natural chemistry. I know in my early 20s, I just relied on people that I had immediate chemistry with. It wasn't natural. There was no like glaring, like her and I will be best friends or anything like that. I literally called her on the phone and said, hey, and I started crying because that's how vulnerable I was. I was like, hey, so basically I've realized that I want more girlfriends in my life. And you seem really cool. And would you like to go out to dinner with me? That's literally a version of how the conversation went. And she was like, Oh, my gosh, yes, I think you're cool, too. And we literally went on this friend date. And it wasn't immediate. It was we got to know each other. And she is now one of my closest friends. And I don't think it would have ever happened if I hadn't just said, hey, I like you. Do you want to be my friend?
SPEAKER_05:
And so there you go back to vision again, too. Like if you didn't have that vision for girlfriends and the role of friendship in your life, then there would be no reason to put yourself out there and feel so vulnerable. I actually think talking about, Hey, what kind of friendship do you want to have? Is a way it is vulnerable, but I think it's actually a way more accessible conversation than it occurs to us. Like we create this weird, you know, Oh, that would be a funny thing to ask people. But imagine how honoring that is. If somebody says, Hey, like, I really care about you. And what kind of friendship do you want to have? And they're totally okay. If you're like. you know, just hanging out and be casual. And, you know, they don't actually have a vision for deep friendship and you're just like, okay, cool, that's fine. You know, the ability to be open handed, but have these kind of honest conversations. And I think often those will, those conversations can turn into a really intentional vision and building something because you both kind of get on the same page.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah. What comes up for me when you're talking, Janet, is like the risk of relationships. And I think for me personally, like my personal story, when you ask, hey, can you come with it? Like it ties so well with that because, you know, you went through this breakup or this breakdown or this disappointment or this hurt or this pain or this grief or this letting go of kind of, and then it's like this lull in life where it's like, I'm craving this now, I feel isolated, I'm lonely, I'm kind of like teetering the line of even borderline depression even, and that's not me saying about you, but my own life personally, like we went through a real tumultuous breaking season of like letting go of friendships and relationships and it was like a transition. But we sat in that place again where we were lonely and it got to the cause essentially started to create this need for community. And the things that came up were like the notices of, I don't want to deal with the hurt. I want to push people out. I don't want to restart. I don't want to trust again. I don't even want to try again. But the pain got so big that my wife literally just told me, I need friends. I know you're going through something, but we need friends. And so, it was crazy to think like, you know, what it looks like for us to risk the relationship again and to put ourselves out there and to really get specific on what's the vision we want for our friendships and our community and our lives and to really be someone who risks again. And so, I guess if you're listening to this and you're thinking, you know, is it worth the risk of like trusting again or trying again or or putting myself out there again, what I'm hearing from you, Janet, is like, wow, it actually is. And you found fruit on the other side of that risk. And I know for myself as well.
SPEAKER_05:
You know what I'm really thinking is our conversation is focusing so much on friendship and how it's a huge part of community and you can't have, I would say, community without relationship. And also there's those people who they their focus for community is mostly about creating this container. Right. There's people who will start a thing, host an event, you know, create a space. And it's not even that they are necessarily focused on building friendships, but it's like, hey, because this person created this company or created this nonprofit or held this event all of the time, all kinds of community spun out from it. So that's what's coming to my mind right now is like building community doesn't necessarily mean you are connected to all of the people or that it's all about the relationships you have. You can be building community by building a space or creating a space for people to build the community within.
SPEAKER_04:
Yeah, I have a story about creating a container for community. And this kind of ties the the vision, the the spheres that Janet talked about of coaching vision, mindset and strategy conversation together in my life. I had a vision, a complaint that I didn't have community in Denver as an adult, and I didn't know how to meet people and build community. And my coach helped me examine my mindset about that, which was that I was a victim and then shift that into a place of like, well, what would you do if you could do anything to create the community that you want? What kind of, you know, swings are you willing to give? for that and I started brainstorming and out of that came up with this idea where I would open up my condo for strangers to come sit around my kitchen table and I decided that I was going to invite seven people that didn't know each other and eventually my hope is that I wouldn't know them either but I started with people I knew who didn't know each other to come to my table and have like charcuterie. And there was a topic for the night, which I wasn't sure how that would go, but I gave them basically a one word topic. And it was like courage is the topic for the night. And I invited everyone to bring something that they would read or a story that they would tell about it or just a personal reflection on the word and what it means to them. And we would go around the table and share and then we would chat and eat and drink wine. And everybody would leave a name at the end of the night of someone they thought would want to be invited to another one. And eventually, I was doing these on a monthly basis, and pretty soon my table was full of strangers to meet. And it started to, I called it Eight Plates, and it started to be a thing where people would call me and say, Hey, I want to do an Eight Plates at my house. Like, what's the format? How do you build it? I wrote an article about it. It created this new energy, and it also gave me something to talk about. Because then when I was out at happy hours, I could say, I have this eight plates thing. Why don't you come? And people are like, go talk to Laura. She's interested in community. like generating energy through creativity as you work to solve your own complaint and move towards the vision is what I would inspire people to do. Like take a minute and ask yourself, what would I do if it was up to me to create community for myself in this moment right now?
SPEAKER_00:
Hi, my name is Mike Park, and I'm a proud graduate of the Metta Performance Institute for Coaching. The faculty of the Metta Performance Institute not only provided the training, tools, and experience to learn how to coach people toward powerful growth and thrilling results, but also advocated for that kind of growth and results in my own life. unique opportunity to have world-class executive coaches invest in my development both professionally and personally. It's a privilege to be part of a tribe of coaches fiercely committed to exploring what we are capable of together. If you're looking to become a coach or to set up your coaching practice to reach the next level, I highly recommend the certification from the Metta Performance Institute for Coaching. To fill out a free assessment of your abilities as a coach and to connect with someone to find out if the Metta Performance Institute is for you, check out www.mp.institute.
SPEAKER_07:
That's so good, Laura. And if you're listening, I want you to pay attention to what's going on in your head right now as you listen to Laura's example. If you say to yourself, I could never do that, that sounds like a lot of work or, gosh, if someone asked me to bring something on the topic of courage, I would have no idea what to bring. Right. So like we often have these this list of ways we like to give ourselves an out for investing in things like that. And by the way, Laura's example is an incredible one you could steal right now. And it's one of many ways, right? Laura got curious for her, like, how can I bring my own creativity to this? And you reap the benefits, which is really
SPEAKER_03:
What I'm noticing is that like resources, often when we coach people, we talk about, you know, when you have a clear vision, it really shows resources that were there the whole time, they just were invisible. Like for you, there's actually a whole ton of people in Denver that are looking for a table to sit around and a plate to eat, right? So it's like, even just by you creating that vision, it was you're at a restaurant and then you have something to talk about. It's like the resources became visible. And I'm thinking about community because Janet, what you were saying in regards to like, maybe this is what you're thinking, I could never do that, or I don't know what I would share. Like, is it possible to have community without uncomfortability? Like, is it possible to have community without sacrifice or, you know, so the thought is like, that is what makes The uncomfortable sacrificial is what actually makes the reward and the life giving in the sense. And so, I love that story, Laura, how you're really like, you started with a vision and I make up you had to get out of your own way with that mindset and then you went straight into making it happen and resources became available that were invisible otherwise. So cool.
SPEAKER_04:
Yeah, I love that question of what resources are available to me with this vision that I have for community. Because I don't know that I saw my table as a resource and then all of a sudden my table that can hold eight people was a resource for community. The cheese shop down the street became a resource for community. Everyone I met at a networking event had a network. that became a resource for filling my table for the next event. And so I'm guessing wherever you are with your community, five minutes of what resources do I have available to me right now to help me towards this vision could be a really powerful journaling exercise.
SPEAKER_03:
Wow. That's great.
SPEAKER_05:
Andrew, when you were just saying what you said, I'm thinking being around other people helps us confront ourselves. You know, there's a piece of like... Are we going there?
SPEAKER_03:
Okay. Yeah, go on.
SPEAKER_05:
You know, like to be human together. And I think that probably covers a lot of what we've talked about here about just being together, letting other humans be messy, the vulnerability of that, the intentionality of that. But yeah, the more that we're around other people, the more that we learn from others, the more that we see our own humanity, how it might be getting in the way. have people who are gracious enough to have relationship with us, for us to practice getting out of the way of our humanity and, you know, more into generosity, more into love, more into compassion and showing up for people and all of those things. So As we're in the business of meta performance and seeing what we're really capable of, I would suggest that it is difficult or maybe even impossible to fully explore what you're capable of in isolation.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, it's super uncomfortable having, I mean, to have eight strangers, like, are you serious? Like eight strangers in your house at your table? I think that's often a way that people avoid like creating community, it's like, there's nobody in Denver. And it's like, if you were avoiding, what might you be avoiding, right? Because then it's like, the second you start to go into, all right, create community, like you fill your table. And then I think The creating the community is the easy part. I know it sounds really weird to say, but it's becoming is the challenging part. Like when I put myself around people at the table, whether it's political views or religious views or perspectives or past experiences and then things start, it's like this becoming who I need to become is actually the challenging part. And so, I'll use there's nobody in Denver as a way to avoid maybe growing.
SPEAKER_07:
Yeah, yeah. And what's nice is we've already transitioned into strategies. So we've heard Laura share a wonderful example of what it looks like to actually actively act out your vision. So she had a vision. And I want to stress the importance, if you're listening right now, if you're getting in your head about, well, what do I got to do? Do I got to do I gotta host a dinner? Like, what is it gonna take? If you start with vision, the strategy will often unfold. If you get clear on what you've been avoiding, so mindset, or as one of our coaches told me many years ago that stuck with me, what you judge, you resist. So if you judge hosting dinners, if you judge networking events, if you judge what you judge, you resist. So if you have judgments, that's a great place to start. Like, ooh, what am I judging? And how is that getting in the way of me leaning in to that? And oftentimes that will reveal the strategy and give you extra energy to go again, try again. All right, that didn't work. Great. Try again. I've had my share of parties that I've hosted that quote unquote didn't work. One time I tried to host a kind of whiskey cigar night, which that in general is a great idea that I'm going to repeat. But I invited a collection of people and it was on a night that didn't work and I meant to have 20 people there and three people showed up. And, you know, it was fine, but it was, you know, they were all people that didn't really feel like talking and it was a little bit of a flop. And I was like, OK, great. I could have looked at that as like I am never doing this again. It wasn't the fit. Sparks didn't fly between people. And I think really what I'm hearing from you all today, too, is like, what does it look like to risk? it's going to require a level of risk in order to create that level of community.
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, I think one strategy that's super resourceful that I have seen create a ton of results in my life in regards to community is inclusivity. So my thought is not like often, how do I have people over to my house? It's actually like that is one strategy, but really like, where am I going and who can I include? So if I'm going to the grocery store, who do I bring with me to the grocery store? If I'm going to go see a movie, who am I including into watching? Who would love this movie? If I'm going to go to the beach, who are the people that would love to go to the beach? And so it's just this idea of like, wherever I'm going, if I'm going to the gym, like, which I never do, God forbid. But, you know, if I was to go to the gym and I love to go to the gym, like the question is, who do I want to work out with? And so just the inclusion side of things, I think is a super powerful
SPEAKER_07:
That's so good. And Andrew, I had to look up inclusivity to see if it was a real word. Is it?
SPEAKER_05:
No. It is now. I thought it was intentional. I thought you were combining inclusive and sensitivity. Oh, it's amazing.
SPEAKER_07:
So you might have just created a brand new word, Andrew. So congratulations.
SPEAKER_03:
Well, I've been using it for a decade. So that's amazing.
SPEAKER_07:
You combined inclusivity and sensitivity. Bang on. I'm going to start using that. So I love that.
SPEAKER_03:
It's incredible.
SPEAKER_07:
If there are any other stories or examples from the group I want to hear, I think there's a couple of last things that I want to bring in. So as you're thinking about, hey, gosh, Janet, this is still so scary for me, or I don't feel equipped. I think it's worth mentioning just some common resources that I've found to help me over the year. So for one thing, if you haven't heard, I mean, I feel like most people have heard of this by now, but the five love languages. It's worth Googling it. There is a book. You don't even have to read the whole book. Just on a ground level, learning to understand that different humans give and receive love in different ways has been a really powerful resource for me as I've thought about that. And oftentimes, that's what's gotten in the way of me going, well, I spent five hours with them. How come they don't feel like it's enough? And actually their love language is words of affirmation. So yeah. And just to list them out real, really quick here. And if I miss them, please step in, but it's quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch. So in, in romantic relationships, that's a big one, but even in non-romantic relationships, I love hugs. I love high fives. I love, you know, uh, tackling people if I haven't tackled someone in a while. I will likely tackle someone at our Novus Global retreat coming up in here in three weeks. Let's see, what's the other one? I'm missing one. Oh, acts of service, acts of service. I distinctly remember a moment in a friendship where they were cleaning up at the party and I was just like, why won't they come and sit down? and hang out with me. And I later realized, oh, that was their way of loving me in that moment. Was it me, Janet? No, it wasn't actually. Actually, Laura, I actually do think of you when it comes to words of affirmation is not my natural way of loving people. And like, that's been something you've expressed and that you're actually so good at doing. Laura is someone who, if she thinks something positive about someone, she'll send a voice memo and say, hey, I was thinking about you. I'm really proud of you about this thing. And years ago, for me, that used to be very uncomfortable. I used to be like, yeah, I used to let it roll off my back. And now I've been really leaning into receiving that and going, wow, what a cool way to be loved by Laura. And so, yeah, I think it's really powerful sometimes just have some of those tools on your tool belt.
SPEAKER_04:
Yeah, and everyone doesn't have to know the five love languages to use it. I actually just adopted those into a practice I did, you know, maybe six months ago with friends where I just asked them like, hey, can I ask you a question? I'm just going to write down your answer. You know, when do you feel loved by me? in what spaces, how, when do I show up and you feel loved by me? And it was really surprising. The answers that I got, even from some of my closest friends, there were things that I would have thought would be their first answer that weren't on the list. And things, um, I remember one of my closest friends said to me, when you come into my house and you just open the cupboards and take something out and sit at the table and act like it's your space. Like that's when I feel loved by you. And I was like, really? Me stealing your food is an act of love? I would have had no idea. So it's a fun exercise. And if you want to take the risk, people appreciate the question.
SPEAKER_05:
I love that one. And this is kind of dipping a little bit back to strategy, too. But one thing that I've leaned into as far as a strategy for building community, especially when we don't have proximity and when we are very busy, I don't love the word busy when we have full intentional schedules, you know, is celebration, you know, so just celebrate with people. So like you said, Janet, it could be just celebrating something you see in someone calling it out, or celebrating with them, like, how are they winning? Be happy for them, you know, just celebrate with them, lean into that will build a lot of community, even if you're not close to each other. And it's actually really easy strategy as it occurs to me. Yep.
SPEAKER_07:
Yep. And just to bring this back to you, what does it look like to build community and see how actually that connects to your vision? So again, one of the reasons we're talking on this podcast right now is because what we love to help people do is go after their meta performance vision, their outcomes, the things outside their realm of what they formerly thought were possible, And like, man, how am I going to accomplish that thing? And this, without a doubt, has been one of the coolest ways that I found to actually go after inspiring things is to actually involve your community, which requires, again, vulnerability, asking for help, making bold requests. One of the coolest exercises that we do oftentimes with teams And that we actually did at our last retreat together is we did a bold request exercise. And I may have said this before, so it might be a repeat, but I was shocked because I helped facilitate that. And I remember before I facilitated that for the firm thinking, Oh, we're about to do the bold request exercise. I don't know if it's going to land because we're already coaches. We're already over always making requests to each other all the time. Is anyone going to have any other requests? And of course, I was shocked. And it was one of the, I would say it was one of the most favorited exercise from the retreat. And it was so cool to see people cross the room and make bold requests to have people help in their vision, to receive those requests, to make requests of others, and to watch how fulfilling that is to actually involve other people in your vision.
SPEAKER_05:
I'm trying to put my finger on it right now, but there is something about that exercise that spun off a lot of community. I think too, like Laura Groon had a request that ended up with her here at my house and staying with us, you know, long story, but that that's the benefit that came out of it for me anyways, Laura. I know you got to do some work things that were exciting and you know, whatever out of that bold request. But yeah, I think was it that we were cross pollinating in a new way that we were, you know, going outside the normal kind of interactions that were the default? way that we are going about our relationships? I'm not exactly sure, but something about that, Janet.
SPEAKER_04:
Well, I just have a theory that, you know, sometimes we wait with our requests until they're our last resort. So we're trying everything else that we can think of to solve a complaint in our own power. And then it's like, when I get desperate enough, I might ask someone. And in this exercise, a space was created for us to just sit and think, who do I have a request for? Like, who could help me? and we made it, you know, kind of culturally appropriate to go ask them in that moment. But it made me wonder, you know, if I did this exercise on a weekly basis with anyone in my life, you know, who do I have a request for? What would come out of it? What would be created?
SPEAKER_05:
That's brilliant, Laura, because I think when we're talking about the meta-performance conversation, what Janet's exercise of, like you said, making it culturally appropriate to go ahead and involve other people, go ahead and make those requests. It's like we were normalizing, if you will, what we invite people into in the meta-performance work, which is becoming resourceful. Who do you know who could help you? Where could you make a request? Who has expertise in that area that you could tap into? And we were just doing that. So we're accelerating the growth, accelerating the results. So maybe that's what I think your theory is bang on. That's what I was sensing that so much happened in that room. Andrew, what do you think?
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, when I did that exercise, what came up for me was like, this is available? Like, I can do this? You know, like, we can do this? Yeah. And the thought was like the phrase, live off the land. And I think that's like a catchy phrase these days in the regards of like, we want to all move to a place where we can just live off the land like Laura, you know, and just be able to have like a farm and grow our own food and be like sustainable. I know, Janet said you did, so I was rolling with it. You know, it's inclusivity. It's fine. So, yeah, but this thought of like, we want to live off the land and in the context of community, it's like the bold request is really the opportunity to live off the land, like live off of the resources that are available to like, see the fruit that comes about in someone else's life, but also be able to eat of it and benefit from it. And so, it's this cool kind of idea that I was like, whoa, like we can do that. Like, I can access, like, I can request, like, we can collaborate, like, I could serve and show up for someone, I could be a resource for someone, like, and it's a both and, it's not a take or a give, it's a give and a take, and so it's powerful when we did that, yeah.
SPEAKER_07:
Yeah, that's so good. I'm going to wrap up this episode with a few suggested steps that if you're listening that you can immediately do. So we talked about vision mindset strategy, the very, very first thing I would invite you to do is to spend time thinking about your vision. So sometimes the simplest step is to actually say out loud, write on a piece of paper, say to a friend, hey, this is what I want. This is my vision. It could be, I want a group of people who all get together on a weekly basis. It could be going deeper with someone that you already know. It could be inviting someone to partner with you towards your vision. Whatever it is, I would invite you to write that down And then I would simply invite you to write down how you're currently relating to the gap between where you are and where you want to be. Like, are you scared that it's not going to happen? Are you anxious? Are you avoiding it? Like, whatever that is, write that down. Get clear about that and get grounded into a mindset that's going to serve you. And then last but not least, decide on a step you can literally take what we just described and write down a request like who in your life do you want to make a request to and by when do you want to do that so those are just some easy quick things that you can do i also want to hear any last thoughts from andrew laura and laura whether it's like a suggestion a thought on what's going to be most helpful for those listening
SPEAKER_03:
Yeah, I think for me, it's just encouraging people to risk again. You know, I think that's what stands out for me is like sending someone to DoorDash or showing up and sitting next to somebody through a season of challenge or opening up your table for eight plates and random strangers. Like all of what we accomplished, it kind of all boils down in my mind to me personally, like risk, like putting yourself out there, creating this, making a bold request is a risk. They could say no. So I think just encouraging the listener to, what would it look like for me to like risk again? and live off the land.
SPEAKER_05:
I'm thinking about how talking about this will create energy around it. So, you know, who are you talking about building community with? Who are you talking about vision for community with, even if they're not the person you build it with? Exploring, hey, how am I possibly getting in the way of building community and learning about yourself and what you want and maybe where you're holding yourself back. I think those questions can start to create a lot of momentum if we lean into them.
SPEAKER_04:
Yeah, I think sometimes people can get intimidated by the word vision, because it's kind of a coaching term. So, you know, if that's a stumbling block, then I would just, you know, take it really down to the basics of what Janet said. What do I want that I don't have now? Or what am I longing for? And even asking yourself the question, like, who has what I want? Like, where am I seeing examples of the kind of community that I want? because you've probably had it modeled in one way, shape or form, whether it's on a television show or in your childhood, or one of your friends is doing something you admire. And maybe a conversation about that thing that you want will lead you to a more clear vision for yourself and what community looks like for you.
SPEAKER_07:
Well, thank you all for this conversation. It's so worth it, in my opinion, to invest in the people around you. Brene Brown has done a lot of work on this. And she talks about what are the elements that create wholeheartedness. And of course, she connects a vulnerability to that. And I truly believe that there's so much available to us. when we put a stake in the ground and make decisions for what we want and we go after it. And it's fun to do it with other people. So thank you all for this conversation. And we hope everyone has a lovely day. Thank you. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01:
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