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Kamini Wood works with high achievers on letting go of stress, overwhelm and anxiety that comes with trying to do everything, and trying to do it all perfectly
Voiceover: [00:00:00] Rise Up Live Joy Your Way from emotional intelligence through cognitive distortions, certified life and wellness. Coach Kamini Wood is on a mission to help people see the magnificence of their own unique human spirit. Through these small bites of self visualization and self-confidence, you can have healthy relationships, success in business and career, and live the life you want to live, Rise Up Live Joy Your Way.
Kamini Wood: Hi there, and welcome to another episode of Rise Up Live Joy Your Way, whether it's morning, afternoon, or evening. Thank you for spending. Some time here with me today, and today I wanna explore a kind of burnout that a lot of us experience, but not many of us actually talk about. It's not the burnout that comes from too many deadlines or too many things on your plate or too much work, and it's not the burnout that you can measure just in productivity or how many hours you've logged.
What I wanna talk about is the burnout that shows up when you are [00:01:00] functioning on the outside. While struggling on the inside, it's the burnout that comes from carrying emotional pain while still meeting expectations. It's the burnout that forms when life does not give you a pause button, even though your heart and or your nervous system desperately need to pause and to slow down, you might be grieving a relationship that's changed or adjusting to a major life transition or navigating stress that's actually built up over years.
Or maybe you're trying to hold things together for your kids, or maybe you are working through anxiety that you haven't really shared with anybody else, or you're living in survival mode on a day-to-day basis, and yet you are still showing up, you are still at work, you're still taking care of people, you are still smiling, you still continue to push through.
So this episode is about emotional labor that's happening beneath the surface. It's [00:02:00] the hidden burnout. It's that invisible exhaustion and the quiet overwhelm. And my hope is that through this conversation today, if you are feeling this or it resonates with you, that you walk away feeling seen, that you walk away feeling validated, and that you walk away with maybe some tools to support yourself in a gentler, more compassionate and sustainable way.
So one of the hardest truths about an adulting, uh, an adulthood is that life keeps going. Um, even when we're hurting or we've gone through something really difficult, the alarm still goes off in the morning. World still expects things from us. Our responsibility still exists. Our children still need their meals.
They still need homework help. They still need our emotional presence. You know, work still needs our attention. Bills still have to be paid. Deadlines don't care when our heart is heavy, and when you're grieving or you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious or just emotionally stretched, [00:03:00] the world may not see.
What you're facing in your inner world and in your inner reality. So you learn to function. You learn to hold back the tears in meetings. You learn to compartmentalize during the day, and maybe you find yourself collapsing at night. You learn to breathe through panic while sending emails or picking up your kids or sitting in carpool.
You learn to act steady for others even when you feel really, really unstable on the inside. This doesn't mean that you're being dramatic or that you're weak or that you're not resilient. It means that you're human In a world that often prioritizes performance over wellbeing, uh, people don't always need a break because of workload.
Um, I think a lot of us need a break because we're carrying an emotional weight. Doesn't seem to end. And the burnout that comes from that kind of caring is really profound because it's quiet, it's heavy, it's cumulative, and it generally is going unseen. And so I [00:04:00] think a lot of times it's the burnout that doesn't really get named very often.
Now, burnout from emotional pain is different, I think. Then burnout from overworking, because burnout from emotional pain affects your mind in ways that are actually very subtle at times, but can be really powerful when you're functioning through grief or anxiety or overwhelm or chronic stress. Your mind is constantly working behind the scenes.
You're navigating in real time intrusive thoughts and mental fog. You're navigating difficulty focusing. Sometimes decision fatigue, emotional swings, fear of dropping the ball, fear of disappointing others, fear of being judged, as you know. Um. That, especially if you let any of your struggles show there's this fear of being judged and this, this type of mental load that I'm talking about is extraordinarily emotionally draining.
So even when you're doing your everyday [00:05:00] tasks, your mind is actually trying so hard to multitask with the emotional pain 'cause it's running in the background. So imagine running a race while carrying a backpack full of bricks. I mean, that's essentially what. You're doing. Everyone else sees you running and assumes you're moving at the same pace that they are, but they don't actually recognize the weight that's in that backpack of yours.
They don't understand the weight that's actually slowing you down. They don't feel the effort it takes for you to take every single step, and that actually starts to create a disconnect between what you show and what you feel. And then that disconnect becomes one of the roots of that hidden burnout. It also creates disconnection with other people.
Your mind becomes this container for unprocessed emotions and containers can only hold so much before they overflow. And so when your emotional reality and your external performance don't match, your nervous system has to work over time because you've got one reality on the inside and this other reality on the outside.
And so your body starts to experience stress even when you. Don't look [00:06:00] stressed, right? You're still smiling, but the body on the inside is extraordinarily stressed out. Your body doesn't care how well you're functioning. It cares about what you're caring. It cares about what's happening inside. So living with this hidden emotional pain will often show up physically.
I mean, many of my clients talk about. They have chronic fatigue or they feel this tension in their back because we carry a lot of our emotions in our back or their shoulders. They have headaches. A lot of people talk about IBS and digestive issues or the, you know, the inability to either fall asleep or they fall asleep but can't stay asleep.
The random aches and pains just difficulty relaxing. A lot of people talk about racing thoughts, just not being able to. Slow the thoughts down. That's not your body failing you, it's your body communicating to you. Uh, it's your body communicating that, hey, we're on overload. And it's actually your body trying to keep up with what's happening and emotionally for you.
And many people blame themselves for being tired. You know, they actually say, well, I've, I've slept, you know, eight hours. I shouldn't be tired, or I should be stronger. I should be able to handle this. A lot of my clients routinely will just [00:07:00] say, I should be able to push through this. Why can't I push through this?
And it's almost very shame-based. But the reality is that pretending you're okay is creating physiological stress. Those suppressed emotions don't go away, right? We, we pretend that they're not there, but we're pushing the down and they store themselves. Where are they storing themselves in our body? And they're gonna be there until they're released.
And our nervous system is not meant to hold onto that grief. It's not meant to hold onto that worry and responsibility. Without support, you know, you aren't weak for feeling exhausted. You're not a weakling for feeling really tired. You're exhausted because you've been strong for far too long Without getting a break, you've been strong without getting the support that you need.
Hidden burnout is easy to miss in a lot of people, especially high achievers because they hide it so well. It shows up quietly, and oftentimes people appear to be normally functioning. So as an example, the parent who's holding it all together, right? You're managing the household, you're supporting your kids emotionally.
You're [00:08:00] navigating schedules, you're doing all of this. While behind the scenes, you're carrying your own anxiety or maybe grief, and some days you feel like you're performing parenthood while slowly this pieces of you are really dying inside or they're sinking inside. Or the professional who just. Tells themselves, I, I don't have time to slow down.
So you're meeting your deadlines, you're hitting the goals, you're showing up to work, like nothing is wrong and people praise you for this work ethic. They're impressed by how, how you just continually show up and they're totally unaware that your mind is foggy and you're emotional bandwidth is so depleted, and you're literally feeling like you're, you're held together by toothpicks.
Toothpicks and bubblegum, so to speak, or the teenager who looks fine on the outside, they're going to school, they're showing up to practice, you know, they're turning in their assignments and they're maybe even smiling and laughing with their friends, but on the inside, they feel so emotionally weighed down and crowded and anxious or lonely, but they say, Hey, I'm fine, because they don't wanna burden anyone.
Or also, they don't want anybody to think that there's something wrong with them, and then they get. [00:09:00] Labeled as there's something wrong with them or the person going up through a break, going through a breakup or a divorce, right? You're processing this loss, uncertainty, identity shifts, emotional pain, but you still gotta show up to work.
You still have to parent and you still have to function, and people expect you to move on quickly, but inside your body, you're still feeling everything. Or the caregiver who never gets to fall apart, right? You're taking care of somebody else. You're supporting someone through their illness or their stress or their crisis, and so you're holding emotional space for them, but nobody is holding the emotional space for you.
I offer those as examples to just highlight that functioning does not equal flourishing. We can be functioning, but we may not be flourishing. Right? That's the difference between surviving and driving. So just because somebody is showing up doesn't mean that they're not dealing with something internally, and people struggle with that hidden burnout because it's often complicated, right?
By this. Fear or worry [00:10:00] about asking for help. They want help, but they don't feel comfortable maybe asking for it or receiving it because maybe they have some internal messages around, you know, I don't wanna burden anyone. I should be able to handle this. They might also feel like nobody else will really understand what they're going through.
And then a big one also is that they don't wanna look like they're weak or that they can't handle it. And those beliefs really aren't stubbornness. They're not signs of stubbornness. They are signs that there may have been some past experiences or some messages that they've received, or maybe their environments were not supportive of vulnerability.
Or maybe when they were vulnerable that wasn't welcomed. It was maybe communicated as a weakness or maybe there is a fear of judgment. Or maybe they've just been patterned, right? It's been a lifetime for them of being the strong one, the one that can handle anything. And strong people rarely ask for help because they, they actually don't expect help.
And they, they, since they've been deemed the strong one and they've been the one with like [00:11:00] so-called the emotional backbone for everyone else, they don't. Know how to ask for that help. But you know what happens when you're the strong one? Eventually it turns into loneliness and again, that loneliness can turn into to burnout.
You know, you can be capable and still deserve care, and you can be independent and still. Need rest, you can be strong and still need support. And it's really important that we start to get to this place where we recognize that those two truths can actually coexist together. So I wanna invite you to, if this does resonate with you, or any part of it resonates with you, just to take a few minutes and just ask yourself some questions.
And again, I offer these questions to invite curiosity and not judgment. So one question to just get. Curious with yourself about is in what areas of my life am I functioning well, but feeling emotionally depleted. For a lot of parents, it really may be parenting. You know, what feelings am I carrying that [00:12:00] no one else knows about?
Where in my body do I feel overwhelm or a sense of tension? What emotional needs have I been ignoring? You know, when did I last? Feel truly supported? Or what do I wish somebody would ask me? What is the one thing I'm pretending is fine, but actually isn't? And where am I holding expectations for myself, like unrealistic expectations for myself?
And if I'm allowed to pause, what would I feel? Again, awareness is not about fixing everything all at once. It's about acknowledging what is present. You know what is real? Because burnout isn't just healed, you know in a moment, and it's not healed through pressure. It's healed through awareness, honesty with yourself, and then taking some aligned action.
Now, you might not be able to step away from your responsibilities or take [00:13:00] an a long break. I mean, we can't step away from parenting. But there are still meaningful ways that you can support yourself inside of the life that you are living. One thing, and those of us who are perfectionists, this is a hard one, but sometimes we need to lower the bar on our expectations.
You know, maybe not everything needs our highest level of energy. Maybe there's a good enough that can really truly be good enough. You know, allow yourself to pause even if it's briefly, so your nervous system responds to even those small minutes of rest. So. Taking three minutes of stillness could actually make a huge difference.
I really truly encourage you to practice emotional naming. You know, really just acknowledge and name. There's a part of me that feels tired. There's a part of me that feels anxious, part of me that feels sad because again, naming that reduces the internal pressure because we're not trying to suppress it.
It takes a lot of energy to suppress these things. Identify somebody who is emotionally safe for you. You don't need [00:14:00] 20 people, you just need one. Maybe just work on simplifying your commitments. Look for like certain tasks that maybe you can delegate or maybe you just delay for right now, or maybe you can take them off your list and let yourself feel without apologizing.
You know, we're allowed to cry. We're allowed to have our moments of irritation. We're allowed to feel that heaviness. None of it makes you inadequate, move your body, right? You don't have to go and exercise like for. Several hours, just stretch walk. Pay attention to your breathing, right. Just allow for some emotional release.
Build micro moments of self support. So micro moments could be, I'm stepping outside for a breath of fresh air, or a micro moment could be, I'm gonna consciously take five deep breaths. Or a micro moment could be, I'm gonna just simply write down, you know, how my day's been. I'm gonna write down a gratitude for today.
'cause these small shifts, while they are small, they do accumulate and over time they bring our nervous system back towards regulation. [00:15:00] So as we wrap up this episode, I just wanna say to the part of you that has been carrying all of this and afraid to really acknowledge it, I want you to hear you're not weak, you are not failing, you are not behind.
You are not being dramatic. You are not overreacting. You are carrying more than anyone can see. You're functioning through emotional weight that. Many people would not necessarily be able to function really well through, right? You are doing your best with the circumstances that actually very little people, very few people know that you're actually dealing with and you're trying to be present for everybody.
Else in your life while navigating what's going on inside of you and that exhaustion that you feel is real. The heaviness you feel is real, the overwhelm you feel is real, and it's not a reflection of your capability or your strength or your resilience. It's just [00:16:00] a reflection of your humanity. So give yourself some compassion.
Be gentle. Allow yourself to rest, ask for support 'cause you don't have to handle everything all by yourself. Hidden burnout is not a personal failure. Hidden burnout is a sign that you need some care, you need some space, you need some compassion, and you need some connection. So even if you can just take one small step today, I really encourage you to do that.
And if you'd like to hear how coaching could help support you through this or anything else you might be going through, feel free to book a time with me anytime at coachwithkamini.com and until next time, stay well.
Voiceover: Thank you for listening to Rise Up Live, joy your way. For more information, Book a chat with Kamini at www.chatwithKamini.com, or visit her website at www.kaminiwood.com. You can also find Kamini on Facebook or Instagram username, it's authentic me. Thank you for [00:17:00] listening!