Decide Your Legacy

Social skills can be a powerful way to develop the life you've always wanted.  In this episode we get down to how you can be more encouraging to those around you and the impact that can have on your life.  And don't forget to sign up for Tune Up For Life (and use the code "mylifepurpose" to get $100 off)!  On this episode we discuss:
  • The risk Adam is taking right now
  • Why social skills matter
  • Asking questions instead of giving advice
  • Letting go of having control
  • The best types of open ended questions
  • Learning to trust your intuition
  • Seeking first to understand and validate
  • Expressing appreciation consistently
  • How to appreciate in the workplace
Be sure to follow me on Instagram @adamgragg

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Episode 14:Finding Your Life Purpose (podcast)
Episode 3: Asking Great Questions (podcast)
20 Questions to Ignite Meaningful Conversation (article)
Speaker/Listener Bookmark
Emotions Bookmark
5 Languages of Appreciation in The Workplace (book)
9 Key Social Skills
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Adam is a life coach and counselor who specializes in helping individuals and organizations find transformational clarity.  He specializes in anxiety, depression, life & career transitions, adolescent challenges, and family counseling.

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What is Decide Your Legacy?

Are you ready to take the steps necessary to thrive? Join us every episode as host Adam Gragg discusses what is holding us back and how to move forward with purpose, along the way developing healthy relationships and navigating life transitions while overcoming fear, stress and anxiety. Adam is a family therapist, mental health professional and life coach helping individuals and organizations find the transformational clarity that unleashes hope. Live the life you want, the legacy you decide.


Adam Gragg: [00:00:00] Welcome to today's episode of the decide your legacy podcast. I'm your host, Adam Gragg. If you have not already done so hit the subscribe button so you never miss another podcast episode. And if you're out there and you love this podcast, it's been helpful to you and you've gotten value from it, please give us a review or rating on iTunes or Apple and, you know, write a review.

It helps the podcast to grow and may take you 20, 30 seconds. I'll love you forever. I promise. Share with your friends, help it to grow. Really appreciate that. So, risk. I have recently taken, which I share every episode as well. I had a classmate actually pass away. Believe it or not have a heart attack.

Somebody reached out to me, who I hadn't talked in a friend, Justin really hadn't talked to him for about 20 years. And he reached out getting a little asking what happened. I gave him some details as far as what happened, could have left it at that. But then I decided just to engage, kind of figure out what he'd been doing with his life, where he's been.

we have our 30 year high school reunion coming up, challenged him to go to that and everything. And it went, it turned into a really good conversation. It could have gone south. I mean, it could have been kind of awkward, but it was reaching out to an old high school, old friend. And you may want to think about people you could reach out to who could potentially reject you, but it's worth it, you know, because you will get some people thinking, okay, why is he doing this now? Why is he reaching out now? But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised when you reach out. How people are receptive in these situations because they're longing for connection, just like you are.

Adam Gragg: So I'm Adam Gregg, I'm your host. I'm a mental health professional and life coach been doing this for over 20 years. My purpose in life, as I share every episode is helping people find transformational clarity so they can overcome their biggest fears. I love to see people take on challenges in life and to see that on the other side is growth, right? When they're pushing up against that fear on the other side is growth.

I also like to talk about. In a simplistic way that you could just share with your six year old and they can grasp the concepts as well. That's how I prepare these podcasts. That's my hope for you. And I do hope that you do share it with your 6, 7, 8, 10, 12, 14 year olds, and that you listen to it with them as well.

It's simple, basic and practical. I also like to discuss topics that I struggle with myself. I'm a fellow traveler, as I've mentioned before, I have my own social anxiety issues. I have my own issues and other areas I've been through some things, some challenging situations, some trauma. And I like to talk about things that are going to help me and inspire me as I share it with you.

The subject today is how to encourage people, how to encourage the people around you. By encourage, I mean, how do you give them courage? That's my definition of encourage, to give courage, to give them courage. I'm going to give you three actions, three commitments you can make to apply today to encourage the people around you.

Three things you can do today right away to encourage the people around you. And why is this so important? Why is this topic so important? Well, I'll tell ya. I have found that professionally, those people with the best social skills typically outperform and excel even the most competent and technically savvy in their field.

Those with the best social skills when, so, and you can use that to think. Well, yeah. Okay. People that manipulate other people socially are going to win. That's not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about genuine, real, honest. Good. Heart-to-heart conversation engagement with people. Those that can do that with confidence.

Those that can do that consistently are going to win in every really air every area of life. I mean, they're going to marry the best people they're going to get the best jobs are going to get promoted faster. They're going to sell more. They're going to XL more social skills matter. And they even matter in very technical professions or in professions that take great gifting like pro athletes.

For example, those that have the best social skills over time that learned to navigate things and up actually outperforming excelling. People want to be around them. They're the best team player. They bring others up around them and people want to have them as teammates, professionally, the same thing. We want to have people around us that build us up that bring us up and that help us go to a different.

Improving your social skills matters and big factor. There is learning how to empower, to truly empower, encourage those around you, even those that you don't actually like. So it takes some forgiveness and letting go of resentment to do this. It takes some. Creativity as you will. It takes some passions and willingness to do some things that are awkward in order to do this.

And I have three [00:05:00] things that you can do today. So number one, first thing is don't give advice. Don't give advice, ask questions. Instead, learn to help people answer and solve and figure out their own solutions to their own problems. You do this by asking great questions. You don't get sucked in to the dynamic that often people will try to get you put in and suck you into where you're just telling someone how to do something.

Rather you trust that people within themselves have the answers to their questions. And so that social skill, it may frustrate some people because you're asking them to figure things out, but it's going to show. Yeah, she's going to show them and empower them because they're going to see that they have a lot of the answers to their own questions.

I mean, I'm convinced that most of my clients, they already know what they need to do. They're just struggling with finding the courage to actually do it. So you ask the questions to help them see that they have the solutions that will empower them. We are all leaders in some capacity of our lives. As parents, as people, as members of churches, as members of our community, we are all leaders in different capacities, in different areas of our lives.

And that that position that we're in requires us to empower people in different ways and empowering them may look a lot. New may look different than you actually think. We're empowering people to trust themselves, to trust their instincts, to trust their intuition. And that takes asking the right questions.

It does take some timing, but it means we're letting go of control. We're not micromanaging them. Think about this as a parent for telling our kids what sports they should play, what things they should do with their free time, who they should hang out with work. It's going to lead to kids that don't know how to make decisions for themselves.

It's going to lead to people that grow up enabled and living in your basement and at the age of 40, which you don't actually want. If you learn to ask them questions so they can see they can solve their own problems. It's going to lead to a much more resilient child as an adult, which is what we all want.

We all want with employees as well. We want them to go ahead and proactively solve and create solutions to the problems that they face. I recently had an experience where I had a client tell me that they had made some mistakes in their marriage and they're going through a potential divorce. I think there's possibility for reconciliation, but she had shared some mistakes she had made and that she would do differently in the future.

And I asked and she wanted to vent and talk about it. And, you know, she would not work so much as one of them. And she wouldn't be dependent to some addictive behaviors. One was work all ism, but also some other addictive behaviors that she had. I didn't judge her, which is not what I wanted to do. I didn't want to cast a stone at her, basically.

My action. My question was, well, what would you do differently next time? What did you learn from this? And you have to present the question in such a way that it's not judgemental. And that can be kind of tricky because sometimes we can ask questions that are judgmental. You know, we cross our arms. So what'd you learn about this?

You know, so what are you going to do differently next time? It's very different than asking it in a. The question in an empowering way. So good questions we can ask can be, what ideas do you have here? What solutions have you thought of, you know, what would you do differently next time? What opportunities are there ahead for you and what support do you need?

What can I do to help you? And then they have to think about that and then ask you the question and, you know, here's what you can do to help me. In this situation, you know, and it's not solving their problem, but there may be some legitimate ways you can help them by giving them maybe some feedback on your past experiences and similar situations.

You can become a mentor. For them and mentors don't tell people what to do either. They don't, they ask questions. Great mentors are great leaders as well. Sometimes I have clients do an activity where I help them learn to trust themselves. It's an intuition activity and I've shared this before. What I have them do is they tell me what their favorite color is.

And then they share with me what their middle name is and I'll have them. Take a few deep breaths and then in their mind, not out loud share with their middle name is, and then share a false middle name. So I'll tell them, well, if your middle name is Jennifer, then two times in your mind, you'll share that your middle name is Jessica, and then I'll do the same thing with their favorite color. Their favorite color is green. I'll have them say that twice and then say in their mind, the favorite color is blue. And then I ask them, well, how did, how was that experience, you know, after they opened their eyes. And then usually generally what they say is something felt awkward about it.

They weren't trusting themselves and, and they weren't trusting their intuition basically. And that's. When we empower people, we want them to start trusting that they have it within themselves to solve their own problem. Recently, my [00:10:00] daughter and I were out driving and we were at a stop light left turn. Greenlight arrow pointing. She had, you know, it was in the front of the lane basically. So she was at the, she was the first car in the row basically. And then she asked me, dad, what should I do? And I said, well, Emerson, what do you think you should do, dad? What should I do? Emerson? W w what do you think you should do?

You know, and then a car behind us honked. And then she started to move forward. She knew what she needed to do, but she kept looking for that valid, that kind of extra something from me, but she knew, I mean, it's, it was really clear kind of a simple thing. And even just recently, Emerson had shared with me, oh, over the last two or three months that she was excited about being in the choir.

She's in drama right now. So she has a play that starts next week. And she had shared with me, you know, that she had an interest in the choir. We were doing her schedule. She was doing her schedule and her mother and I were talking about this and she didn't want to put choir as one of the electives. And I was a little bit surprised by that because a lot of the kids that are in drama are also inquire and she has a great voice.

She could work on her voice and all that. So basically I was wondering, okay, what's going on here? This price, some kind of fear. I think I've talked about this in the last step, last podcast episode as well. But it boiled down to me, sitting down with her and just asking her a question, not saying to her Emerson, you got to do the choir.

You're gonna miss out. You're gonna love it, whatever. But it was asking the question, Emerson, what are some things in your life that you initially wanted to do? And then had some real apprehension about doing it the day before, right. When you were about to sign up or something. I got her to think about it.

She didn't really like that question. I mean, it was kind of frustrating because I had basically put it on her to think about situations where fear has gotten in the way. And then I followed up, I even said, what are some things Emerson that, you know, You've you've not wanted to do done and then been really, really glad you did it, you know, and she shared some examples and actually, well, I mean, they, she wanted me to share some examples.

It was kind of frustrating interaction a little bit overall, just to be honest with you, but it was me putting those questions on her that the real parenting was taking place. And I was really glad that I did. I was glad I asked her that question and I asked her also, or I didn't get to ask this question, but I thought about asking the question.

Have, you know, what are some things that you wish you would have done that you actually didn't do? And believe it or not, these questions came to me through some interactions and some questions from some friends related to me, figuring out how to be a better parent. It wasn't them telling me how to parent it was him just asking me, cause I would share.

And I do share with some friends, some of the parenting struggles that I have because I want to be the best parent I can be. And it's not always the easiest thing. You want your kids, your employees, your friends, your family, you want them to be the best version of themselves. And that means that they figure out their purpose in life, which requires them to ask some questions of themselves.

But you can ask them as well and seeing some great questions to ask yourself, even our, you know, if let's say, you're trying to figure out your life purpose, like, what do I do next in my career? What am I, what am I. This planet for what should I do? You know, is this like, what am I good at Emerson? What are you really good at?

What do you enjoy doing? How can these things serve the world around you? How can these things that you're good at and that you enjoy doing serve the world around you and maybe how can you make money at it as well? So I did an episode, episode 14 is on clarifying your life purpose episode number three, actually of the decide your level legacy podcast is on asking great questions that can build.

Relationships. And I go over some great questions in depth that you can ask, and you really have to make a shift that like I'm no longer going to be the guy giving advice all the time. And many of you in your roles are experts. You know, your physicians. Your engineers, you know, your optometrists, your people that others go to for expert advice.

And in those situations, you know, you are the expert and you are helping them solve a specific problem. I don't want my optometrist after an exam saying, well, what do you think we should do here? You think we should, have you had a negative three or negative four? You know what I mean? Or a negative two?

Or should we even have you in glasses at all? What are your ideas? No, that's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about those situations where people. Have the ability. They're not necessarily an expert. Although I believe that everybody even starting at a young age is an expert on their own lives and their own potential and future.

But it's thinking about those things in a different way. And knowing that you're the kind of person in their life who is going to challenge them to think about things in a different way, it changes the dynamics of your relationship, but it's one way you can empower and encourage those around you. And you may even be thinking as we talk.

Who are those people that I need to be asking more questions of? It may be some of your coworkers, they may be used to you just saying, Hey, do [00:15:00] this. Here's how I would do this instead. What do you think? Or, you know, what's worked in the past for you here, or how have you solved a similar problem in the past, in a similar way?

What ideas do you have? You're starting to empower the people around you. There is also a link in this article, my 20 favorite questions to ask clients. And I'd really encourage you to click on that and check it out. It's a really popular posts that I think it's two year old or so, but it's some of my favorite questions to ask clients and some have already mentioned.

If you like what you hear so far, please sign up for the decider legacy, newsletter, the newsletter, and you'll get 50 excellent relationship building questions you sign up at, decide your You don't want to miss that 50 excellent relationship building questions. There'll be questions that will help you ask great questions of others as well when you encourage them, when you empower them.

And like I said, you can do this even with people that you don't like. I have people over. The holidays. Tell me consistently. Gosh, I got to see my sister. We don't get along. We haven't talked to in years. I've got to see my brother, my nephew, my niece, whatever. I don't really want to engage them. I don't even want to go.

Well, this is a great starting point. Just be prepared to ask some questions, to ask some questions, to be curious about them. That's not threatened. You're going to know some information about them already, and you're going to dig a little bit deeper and they're going to know that you care because you're expressing some curiosity and interest in their life.

Not out of judgment, not out of condemnation, but simply because you do care, even if you don't like them, you know, I've repaired a number of relationships with coworkers and people in my life by asking questions rather than judging. You know, what I would say would be my brother. I think it's helped me a lot to shift my relationship and have that kind of dynamic.

Rather than me just kind of being the big brother who tells him what to do, which I did for really, probably a decade. And then I made that shift maybe a decade ago to actually starting to ask him questions, but the second commitment and action you want to make to encourage the people around you that you love.

Is to listen and validate is to really, to really truly listen and, and to validate other people. Listening is a tough skill. Some we always have to be mindful of, I believe because we can default to this. I want to answer, you know, I want to give them feedback right away, or I want them to know my opinion on this matter right away, rather than actually trying to understand their opinion first, you know, seek first.

To understand then to be understood. It's from the seven habits of highly effective people. Stephen Covey seek first to understand then to be understood. People often formulate their opinion before they actually fully understand what the other person is actually saying. So validation is a new way of living for a lot of people.

You're validating what the other person said. I mean, just recently someone said to me, something that was fairly frustrating. I mean, it wasn't something I really wanted to hear. They, they, they told me some discouraging news. Yeah. Instead of saying and getting frustrated about it. I was able to say, wow, that's, you know, it's, I can really tell that that's bothering you.

I can tell that really is impacting you. And the most common response when someone feels validated is that they say they elaborate. Yeah, it is frustrating me and I'm really trying to get to the bottom of it. And I can't believe this happened and they start elaborating and talking more and it gives you more of an opportunity to ask them questions and it gives you more of an opportunity to validate them.

So, so it will encourage them your validation because it's showing them that you really are listening and really trying to understand them. And what they're feeling. So you validate emotion, you pick up on emotion. I can tell you're excited about this, or seems you have great passion for this seems to be a great fit.

Seems that you have really thought this through and you really know what you're doing in this area, those are all validating statements that we can give to our friends and our enemies. And I love when it says, when Jesus says in the Bible, you know, it's, it's easy to love our friends. You know what I mean?

It's something to that effect. You know, it's really easy to love our friends, but it's tougher and it really shows character and it really shows. You know, love when we love our enemies. When we reach out to those people, we have resentment towards, and you may be thinking of some of those people right now, because I promise you that they will respond to these tools.

I promise you, they may not initially, but it'll start to build some positive rapport. So you want to, you want to listen and you want to validate. And one great validating statement is to say something like, if I understand you correctly, here's, here's what I'm hearing you say. You know, you're really frustrated about the way they raised interest rates on you and, and, and you didn't realize that, and you didn't know, you didn't know you had an ARM, you know, an adjustable rate mortgage and you do, and now you got to refinance or whatever. I can, I can really tell that's that's frustrating. I mean, so you're articulating to them and proving to them [00:20:00] that you really understand the detail.

And when I do this with clients, oftentimes, especially if it's family counseling, I'll have them rate each other on a scale of one to 10 on how well they're listening and a little activity. So they have. Basically paraphrase and summarize and validate and you know, how well do you feel they understand you on a scale of one to 10, 10 is size, one is low and they'll say, well, seven and I'll say, well, what would make it an eight?

Well, they didn't really pick up on this because I was expressing also that I think, you know, this is going to go on forever, you know, or I was expressing also the magnitude is a little greater than what they picked up on. So that's all about validating and listening. And again, you're listening for the emotion from someone else.

And if. This makes sense. You probably have situations in your life where, where you have given advice when you could have validated first and foremost, a lot of parents will do this with their kids consistently. They'll say, you know, they'll, they'll, their, their child will have this frustration at school and or this frustration, you know, with a sibling.

And instead of. Validating the frustration, Hey, it seems like you're really frustrated there. It's like, you know, go repair things or go apologize or go, you know, or, you know what? You made a mistake here. It's not even trying to understand what actually happened. And by the way, I consider an apology, an excellent validation tool as well, because apologies legitimate.

You know what I mean? You don't apologize for something you really actually didn't do, but I mean, a legitimate apology. Is a vulnerable action and it's something where someone could potentially reject you pretty easily. And often it's going to repair the relationship. Although the initial response, one of the most common initial responses to an apology, a legitimate apology, you know, I messed up here.

I was wrong. I was wrong. I think that's a term. I really like, I was wrong. is. It's actually a anger. That's a very common response to an apology. You know, it's like, it's like, yeah, you, you were wrong. You know, you really were wrong for that. And I mean, look at this, look what you've done to me the last 10 years of my life, or look what you did to me as a kid.

A lot of times, people with an apology bring up the past. They bring it up. We at look at this, you know, and what about this? And what about this other time you did this to me, you know, when are you going to stop? And I mean, that is a common response to an apology, but it's worth it to take the risk to apologize because it's what repairs and will repair relationships.

And I'm not saying to you that in every situation you probably should consult with friends sometimes that whether or not you should apologize, but that can be something that is extremely helpful validation. Validation, paraphrasing and summarizing will transform relationships will transform your relationships.

I do this with clients consistently. At least I try, although I do like to give advice, but they come in and they're all in disarray and they're very frustrated and very stressed out and maybe even suicidal. And I want to go to the safety mode at some time at certain points where I solve the problem, you know, are you gonna, do you have a plan to commit suicide?

Are you, you know, have you tried before rather than just asking them, you know, how long trying to validate them? You know, it's been a real rough two weeks as it, it. It's been a real rough two weeks as you know, it's, you've really had a lot go on, you know, cause maybe I haven't seen them in two weeks and then generally the response, it can be emotion.

Yeah. It really has, you know, and, and it can be, you know, tears, it can be further explanation. Yeah. I don't know what happened. I mean, it's really triggered me that it's the anniversary of my father's death and I just kind of figured that out recently and I think that's why I'm doing. And I think that's why I've been really having these, these thoughts of just not wanting to go on.

And so, but you only got there because you actually validated them first before trying to solve the problem. Something to keep in mind too with emotion is a lot of times people have, have primary and secondary emotion. They have like this initial reaction. That is, is very angry, let's say. And, and if you validate that black, until you're, you're super angry about this, you know, then that validation can lead to them actually realizing that that anger is really a secondary emotion based on fear or hurt and that as they start to think, which is what you want people to do as you encourage them, is to really learn how to think critically.

They realize in the process that. You know, I'm not really angry. I'm, I'm just, I've been really lonely for a long period of time. And, and when I get lonely sometimes. I get angry just to get attention. I mean, literally, if you can validate the emotion you see, you may realize, and they may realize it. It's not, it's not really the primary emotion that they're expressing and they're going to get at the primary emotion, like the real feeling, the central nervous system is this amazing thing.

I [00:25:00] mean, it picks up on all kinds of things in our environment. I like to say it's smarter than. So, I mean, it is smarter than our brains. We can overthink all kinds of things and really based on fear and based on judgment and based on, and based on just overall perception, like of what we believe, what we think we're making inaccurate judgements about situations, which leads to some feelings that we really.

Aren't accurate. And so as you ask questions and validate their emotion, they're going to get at that as well. And then they're going to get the, the primary emotion, which is that one that's connected to our central nervous system is going to come forward. Like, yeah, I'm really actually excited about this am really excited.

A little bit expressing fear. I actually really am excited about this and that comes out and you can see that in them. And then before your eyes, because of your validation and your summarization of what they're saying, and you're listening, they're starting to come alive and they're thinking about things differently right before your eyes.

It's like the fear melts away. I can do this. Yes. I am excited about this still. Yes, I do. Still want to be in the choir. Yes, I do. Still want to go for that promotion. You'll see that as you ask those questions and validate, so think about people in your life. People in your life that you can validate more.

You can do a better job with validation, enlist those people and make a commitment just to feel sharing some more, just encouraging them a little bit more. So the third thing, the third action, third commitment you can make is expressing appreciation. So being somebody that. Others see, primarily as a person who will build them up and not tear them down.

So I will, I will tell you that most people and I hate to be so judgement to be so kind of broad in my scope, but I will just say most people are focusing more on the things they don't like about people and want to change and the future that they don't want to have, not the future that they do. And, and that's going to poison the well, I mean, that's going to poison your attitude towards people.

It's going to be something, as I've mentioned, it's easier to be negative than it is to be positive. It takes about two seconds for a negative thought to stick about 14 for a positive. And so it's the same way when we relate to people. So thinking about someone's negative qualities or how they're going to take advantage of you or how they're going to hurt you.

Like someone in the past is easier. Then actually thinking about their positive qualities and what you appreciate and admire about them. It actually is easier. It takes intentionality, you know, and like I shared before, especially if we've been hurt by people, but even if we haven't been hurt by people we're naturally wired and geared towards protection safety, I've mentioned that why are we so negative because of.

You know, and the very thing we desire the most as humans is connection. If the very reason why we get negative is because we want to protect the connection that we have from descent, disintegrating. So we actually sabotage ourselves in an effort to get what we want, the connection that we so desperately want and desire, and really need for survival.

Because of our self protection negativity, we end up hurting relationships when we could be helping them. So that third thing express appreciation consistently. I've seen a study where 70% of employees report a lack of appreciation in their job, a lack of appreciation it's lacking, it's lacking. And I've seen other studies where people will cite that close to 30, 40% of the reason that people leave a job is because of a lack of appreciation a lack of affirmation. Basically, they don't feel valued in the environment that they're in. I love appreciation. I mean, I get client, I get letters from clients that I've seen years ago. I got a letter recently from a client and it was in a very encouraging letter just saying that, you know, whole coaching process has been helpful.

I wouldn't have made these changes, had it not been for coaching. And you know, she did all the work. I will tell you. I'm going to save that letter. The rest of my life. I do that. I mean, I have this encouragement folder that actually scan these things and I put them in a folder that I had looked through fairly frequently.

I should be looking through it more, but the encouragement that I've gotten from people in my life, it sticks and it does overpower the negative, but you need more of it. And I shared that whole positive sentiment override. Concept before, if there's enough incur, if there's enough appreciation in a relationship it's going to, you can pretty much tell them anything, you know, that they're fat and ugly.

If even if they're skinny, I mean, th that you do, you know, they have bad breath and you never want to see them again. And, you know, I mean, literally, I mean, Going to accept anything from you because there's enough positive sentiment in the relationship. I mean, they're not going to just accept abuse from you obviously, but you're going to have so much more room to be open with them and honest with them and really to build that kind of [00:30:00] relationship because you're expressing appreciation.

You may be familiar with the five love languages. Gary Chapman there's, there's a guy actually that I'm friends with, Paul, Dr. Paul White, and he wrote a book with Gary Chapman called the five languages of appreciation in the workplace. And it's very helpful, but. Especially, if you really want to build a positive work culture and you know, those languages, if you're not familiar with them are one is words of affirmation.

That means that if that's your primary language of appreciation, then you like nothing more from coworkers to get a letter saying that they appreciate you, or an email or a text, something of that nature. If that's your primary language, you know, which it is for many people, then you're like me. I mean, you're going to save these things and they're going to stick, even though you may not actually see an outward expression of, oh, what really had an impact on my life.

It's going to register deeply with them. If that's their primary language of appreciation, then for some it's words of, it's acts of service. And for that person, you know, nothing more in the workplace, we're just talking work here, but this applies to home parenting as well, acts of service. You know that for them, it's nothing.

It's going to register really high when you help them with a project. Or, you know, you figure out what they need and you ask them what they need. And then you go ahead and help them work on whatever it is. Maybe they just need more, they need a hug. I don't know, but they need something for some it's receiving gifts for that person.

They like nothing more than actually getting a gift, a gift card. You know, you make them cookies, you take them out to lunch and you buy lunch, something like that. But they're receiving something tangible from you. And I would say that. All of the appreciation languages have value in every single relationship at some level.

But on a scale of one to 10, 10 is high. One is low. They're going to register higher. Like for example, a words of affirmation register for me, probably at an eight when for other people that might be a three, when, you know, acts of service, my register out of 10 for other people or a nine. And it, for me, it's just kind of like a two or three.

I appreciate it. I want it, but it's not like my primary. And then you have, you have, quality time, which for that person, they like nothing more than just to spend time in that is focused on them. So going out to lunch with somebody, with a coworker, taking them out to lunch and just listening to them, finding out about their vacation, vacation, you know, asking about their kids.

That's going to register at a very high level and pay dividends and the related. It's going to cause a lot more positive sentiment override, then maybe another act of language of appreciation because it's not their primary. And then the final one, and you wouldn't think this would apply to the workplace, but it really can.

It's physical touch and you know, physical touch in the workplace could be a handshake, you know, or it could be a, a. You know, but that, even that one little connection for somebody where that's their primary language, you know, can mean can mean a lot, can be very significant and powerful. So you figure that out and can make a huge difference.

As you express appreciation in people's lives. I will say that a couple activities I do with clients. Is, I have to make a list of eight, an encouragement lists like 10 different ways other people can encourage you specifically. And if they know their primary language of appreciation, it's going to relate to that.

But it's going to be very specific. So if their language, if the primary language is receiving gifts, then on that encouragement list, it could be, you know, a Starbucks gift card or it could be homemade cookies. You know, it could be perfume. I don't know, could be if it was your spouse or somebody. It could be with a sibling, somebody, something very unique on there, like, you know, a recipe block or something that they would really like to have, but you make very specific encouragement lists and you can give these to your coworkers.

You know, you can give these to your spouse, your friends, and then they do the same. They make an encouragement list that they give to you. And then you put these things top of mind, you know, you focus on it, you look at it. You actually do something with it, even challenging yourself. Do you know once a day, I'm going to encourage somebody based on their encouragement list or I'm going to share something that I admire appreciate are thankful for about.

A person in my office every day or every week, every person in the office is going to get, am going to share and express something I admire appreciate, or a thankful for. I mean, that's something that you can always do. And I will say words of affirmation from what I have found, everybody wants that everybody desires that in some.

They may discount it. And I know people that oftentimes you give them a compliment and they say, oh no, you know, you say, oh, you look like you lost some weight, you know, man. Wow. What's going on? You know? And they say, oh, I don't think so. You know, or, you know, but they really have, and they know they have, and you know, your buddy, Ben just discounts it, but it doesn't mean it wasn't worse saying that to them.

It doesn't mean it wasn't worth encouraging them. You just. Didn't wasn't received in the way you expected what you have to do, that it has to be more. [00:35:00] If you're going to encourage people around you overall, you have to make it not about you. It's all about them. It's all about them and making their lives better to give them courage.

It's all about them. It's not about you. So their reaction shouldn't, although it could hurt a little bit, but it really, if you're coming from the right place, it's, it's gonna, it's not going to derail you if they reject you because you have enough confidence in yourself and the situation and what you're doing that.

Okay. It's worth it to you to risk the rejection, to encourage them. And that's the place you want to be in. And that'll make a huge difference. That fear of rejection, which I went over last time in the last podcast, you know, really addresses that significantly as well. So you encourage you express appreciation consistent.

And, you know, the three things that I shared, three things you can do encourage those around you. One don't give advice, ask questions, ask questions consistently. Be curious to listen and validate. And there is going to be a link in the show notes to two bookmarks that I give out to clients consistently.

One is a speaker listener bookmark, and one is an emotions bookmark, and you can use those. you can actually order those bookmarks and purchase them from me if you like them for your team, but you can just see the PDF version of those bookmarks, both front and back in the links in the show notes of this episode.

So in the third thing is express appreciation, you know, consistently express appreciation. So if you love this, if you love this podcast is helpful to you, please share it on your Facebook page. Share it on your Facebook page and tag me, Adam, Greg, last name G R a G G, or decide your legacy tag, decide your legacy.

I think you can do that as well on a Facebook page tag a business. So that's the name of the business? The business name is all about that curiosity you decide. Cause ultimately the ultimate question which you got to ask yourself is how do you want to be remembered by the people you love when you're gone.

Your legacy. So in the near future, I have a few podcasts that I want you to be aware of. One is, and this is the next one I'm actually going to record, it's three ways travel can transform your life. And I'm going to do that with my, my sister, who is a international, Travels all over the world.

Leads retreats. Conde Nast has her rated as an, one of the, one of the top in her specialty, in her category, which is a travel magazine. She's she's had quite a career and she's done these she's been to over, I believe it's 80 countries. and she's going to talk about travel, which is amazing to me that she travels about seven, eight months a year, given the fact, she hasn't with COVID of course, but given the fact that she was terrified of traveling when she was a kid.

So that's an upcoming podcast. And then how to practice mindfulness really excited about this one, because I'm going to record actually a mindfulness meditation that you can use. And, you know, use on your own. So it'll be very helpful to you and then have podcasts on creating a vision for your future.

Like I said, most people spend 95% of the time thinking about what they don't want and the future that they don't want and how to avoid getting that. Then the future that they actually do want. If you have found this helpful today as well, what I would encourage you to do is to think about the one or two things from today that you're going to apply because usually, and this is a question I ask every client at the end of every coaching session, what was most impactful from today?

What insight did you gain from today? And they can share one or two. Commit to taking some action based on whatever it is that really resonated with you today. If there was one little thing, one nugget, one thing that, you know, inspired you the most, if this podcast interests you and you liked my style, I would really highly encourage you to purchase my online course, Tune-up For Life. Eventually, it's going to be called the Legacy Course, and it's going, if you purchase now at this price, you're going to be grandfathered in. So it's a great time to purchase it and you'll get a hundred dollars off, actually, you will. And so. The next, well for the next two weeks, I said last podcast until the end of February, I'm extending that because of the interest level.

And if you enter in the coupon code, my life purpose, you'll get a hundred dollars off. It'll help you clarify your life purpose. It'll help you with healthy thinking skills, understanding your true value and the things you love about yourself. As you've got to love yourself first, you're going to love other people.

It'll help you to learn about life and. A lifestyle of balance, which is one of the things you want to have to learn to live a satisfying life. You'll also identify and clarify your life purpose statement, learn about your core values and learn how to set the right goals. But the right goals are nothing without the raw, with the right habits.

So that'll be as a section on creating the right. And creating habits every day to move you towards your goals, because do you have vision? You break it down into goals. You create habits that are you're consistently engaging, that are going to help you to reach your goals. So I'm going to sign [00:40:00] off as I do every episode, you decide your legacy.

No one else think about it. Put energy into it, journal about it. You decide your legacy, you decide your future, and I'll see you next time.